0:00:19 > 0:00:22APPLAUSE
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
0:00:25 > 0:00:28the show where honesty is never the best policy.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31On Lee Mack's team tonight, a legendary Shakespearean actor
0:00:31 > 0:00:36who starred in Hamlet, Much Ado About Nothing and King Lear,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38though, of course, I know him best from Peppa Pig,
0:00:38 > 0:00:39it's Brian Blessed.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:47And an actor whose first role was in the highly-rated Grange Hill.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I say highly-rated, it only got a satisfactory from Ofsted.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51It's Kevin Bishop.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:57And on David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01young and good-looking, he's at least one of those things,
0:01:01 > 0:01:02it's the young Josh Widdicombe.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:11And an historian and broadcaster who says she's into historical fashion.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14So is David, but not intentionally.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15It's Professor Kate Williams.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18APPLAUSE
0:01:20 > 0:01:22So we begin with Round One, Home Truths,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24where our panellists each read out a statement
0:01:24 > 0:01:25from the card in front of them.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27To make things harder, they've never
0:01:27 > 0:01:30seen the card before and they've no idea what they'll be faced with,
0:01:30 > 0:01:33and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Josh is first up tonight. Josh, would you reveal all?
0:01:38 > 0:01:43To keep fit every morning, I do just one press-up, one sit-up
0:01:43 > 0:01:45and one star-jump.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Lee's team. - Well, it's clearly working.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Do you know what? I'm going to take that on face value. Thank you very much.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Why don't you do more? You can manage two of everything, surely.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- No, because it's in the bathroom every morning...- Right.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06..and I've never been very good at physical fitness. I don't enjoy it.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09But what happened was I thought I'd start by doing one of each
0:02:09 > 0:02:12and then I'll build up slowly but surely.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Do you press up on your fists or your hands?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Well, my hands, because I'm not insane.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19- LAUGHTER - On your hands?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- Do you do press-ups on your fists? - Yes, yes, I can, yes.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I do about 50, 60, 70.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- There's no end to my talents. - Oh, really?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- You mock, you know, what I do... - That's right.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- ..but...- Yes.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33..he does 60 press-ups, I do one.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Who's in the better shape?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- LAUGHTER - Whoa!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41He's climbed Everest. What have you ever done?
0:02:41 > 0:02:45One sit-up, one press-up and one star-jump.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47LAUGHTER
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Could you demonstrate how you do it for us?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Why don't you pop yourself just there?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- All right, so...- Do you go into this in a sort of giddy way
0:02:54 > 0:02:56or do you warm up? Because I find...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- Do I warm up?- You warm up...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I find, when I wake up in the morning,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03it takes me a while before I reach my full potential.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I can't just go at it hammer and tongs.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I have to stretch a little bit,
0:03:08 > 0:03:09make sure all the extremities are working.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12This is another detail as to why I do it in the bathroom,
0:03:12 > 0:03:16because I go for a shower, I take my boxer shorts off, which I sleep in,
0:03:16 > 0:03:17so I normally do it in the...
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- In the nude?- In the altogether, yes.- OK.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22What order do you do them in?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Press-up, sit-up, star-jump.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Well, you've got a system. - Strength followed by cardio.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28LAUGHTER
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- Go on, do your press-up. - Ready?- Yeah.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- We've been ready for a while, Josh, to be honest with you. - LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:37I'll be honest, normally I have my inhaler, so this is a gamble.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39LAUGHTER
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Are you this reticent at home in the morning?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48No, but normally Lee Mack's not sat in the corner making jokes at me.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm never there!
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Never there.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I just want to make that absolutely clear.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Can I ask you a question Josh, sorry? Do you live with anybody?
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Yeah, my girlfriend.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01OK. That's not true, it's a lie.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:07So, walk in, close the door, walk across...
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You live with your girlfriend?- Yeah.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Why do you need to close the door?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Oh, because, come on, how emasculating is my exercise routine?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I don't know, we haven't seen it yet.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I do think as well, Lee, it's very important
0:04:18 > 0:04:23to keep mystery in a relationship if you want to maintain the magic.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27If you parade in front of your partner without a second thought,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I think the magic can slowly diminish.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Yeah. Well, I'm lucky because my wife is blind.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I think she's the lucky one in that relationship.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:37 > 0:04:41All right. Right. Walk in, close the door, and then...
0:04:41 > 0:04:42All right.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45..straight down into the press-up.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46- One.- Round.- Ooh!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Into the sit-up.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER
0:04:50 > 0:04:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Do you remember, back in the day, in the Rocky movies,
0:05:00 > 0:05:01the training montages?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Yeah.- That's what's coming back for me when I watch that.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- Have you been doing this for long? - Three months.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09You seemed to be struggling a bit on the sit-up.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12I'm not going to lie to you...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I'm not going to lie to you...
0:05:14 > 0:05:16By the way, you may have to at some point...
0:05:16 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER
0:05:19 > 0:05:22There's a ridge under the bath that I can normally stick my toes under,
0:05:22 > 0:05:23so I use that to...
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Oh, so you even cheat for your one sit-up?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27LAUGHTER
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Brian, does it ring true?- I, well, it does to a certain extent.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I mean, cos I sleep naked...
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Er...
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- You what?- ..as nature intended.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37And I've got lots of animals.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I have a Jack Russell female that absolutely adores me
0:05:40 > 0:05:42and she sleeps between my legs and...
0:05:42 > 0:05:44LAUGHTER
0:05:44 > 0:05:46..and she wakes me up by scratching my privates.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- Yes.- Can I just check,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50have I had a blackout and we're talking about something else?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52LAUGHTER
0:05:52 > 0:05:54So, Brian thinks it rings true.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Kevin, what do you make of it? - I think it's silly...
0:05:57 > 0:05:59But it's working. You've got to see that it's working.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00I think it might be true.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- Well, I have to go with my team and say true, then.- Wow. OK, true.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Josh - truth or is it a lie?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08It is...a lie.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11APPLAUSE
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Yes, it's a lie.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Josh doesn't do one press-up,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18one sit-up and one star-jump every morning.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Brian, it's your turn.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24While searching for a mythical beast in the jungle,
0:06:24 > 0:06:28my boat was skippered by an orang-utan.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Well, we've had this one before.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36LAUGHTER
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Yes, yes, I'll make it easier. It was a canoe...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- Right.- I was paddling a canoe.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I wasn't imaging one of those big cruise ships.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45- No, not a big ship.- Oh, I was.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50I went as a guest of the Viceroy of Malaysia
0:06:50 > 0:06:54and we were there specifically to hunt for Orang Pendek,
0:06:54 > 0:06:55upright man...
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- Can I just stop you?- ..which is a... - Nope?- ..kind of yeti, and...
0:06:58 > 0:06:59LAUGHTER
0:06:59 > 0:07:03..we got into the canoe and there's a canoe there and this orang-utan,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05they always loved me because I look like a gorilla.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I got in it and it rowed and it rowed
0:07:08 > 0:07:10and I made noises at it.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I actually developed the noise
0:07:12 > 0:07:15for the king of the Gungans in Star Wars.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19I played Boss Nass. And when the Jedi wanted me to help them...
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- Sorry, can I...? - ..they all kneeled in front of me...
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- Can I...?- ..I stepped in front and went...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25No. Brian. So...
0:07:25 > 0:07:28And this... When I did that to the orang-utan, it went...
0:07:28 > 0:07:31MAKES FARTING NOISE
0:07:31 > 0:07:35OK, so let me clarify, you're in search of a mythical beast
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- and you arrive in Malaysia... - Yeah.- ..and you come across a river,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- you get into a canoe, the canoe... At the oars...- That's right.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- ..of the canoe is already an orang-utan.- That's right.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- He starts rowing.- That's right.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48You give directions to the orang-utan using noises
0:07:48 > 0:07:51later to be employed in a major sci-fi franchise.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Absolutely right!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- Yeah, um... - How far did the orang-utan take you?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Oh, about ten, 15, 20 miles.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- Oh?- Very upright body. - Did you feed him?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02And at the end of the journey, when we got off the bank,
0:08:02 > 0:08:06he gave me a wonderful big deep-throated kiss.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I would like to pause the proceedings
0:08:08 > 0:08:10and have a word with my client.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13LAUGHTER
0:08:13 > 0:08:15We would like to change our plea.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16LAUGHTER
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Insanity.- And he loved it when I...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20LAUGHTER
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- He loved it when I belched. - Let me ask this.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26The orang-utan, was he paddling with an oar?
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- Yes, that's right.- Or was he paddling with his large hands?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33He was paddling like an Olympic rower.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- Oh, no, come on!- Yes!
0:08:35 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER
0:08:36 > 0:08:42So, David, what is your team thinking about Brian's...story?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- Kate, do you think it's true? - Well, I liked the detail,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47but I'm concerned about the distance the orang-utan succeeded in.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Had it been just five metres, I could've believed it, but all that way?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I think it would have the upper-body strength,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54but would an orang-utan see the point...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:08:58..of rowing strangers 20 miles?
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Do you know, the only thing I don't buy is that.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09Well, I once heard a podcast in which someone described a chimpanzee
0:09:09 > 0:09:11making a gin and tonic.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Sorry, David, you have won me round(!)
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- Yeah, yeah. - So you're saying it's true?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Yep, it's true, yeah, yeah.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Brian Blessed, was that the truth or was it a lie?
0:09:22 > 0:09:23True.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26APPLAUSE
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Well played.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Yes, it's true. Brian's boat was skippered by an orang-utan.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Kevin, you're next.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Right.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I once found my postman's finger.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER
0:09:43 > 0:09:45OK. Erm...where?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49On the floor, in my hallway.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50On the floor, in your hallway?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53It had been sliced off by the letterbox?
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Sliced off by the letterbox?!
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- He was posting a letter...- No(!) - ..through my letterbox
0:09:57 > 0:09:59on a Saturday morning, and...
0:09:59 > 0:10:01That doesn't sound very likely.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER
0:10:03 > 0:10:07..and we suddenly saw a postman
0:10:07 > 0:10:11up against the window with a finger missing.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:14He was banging on the window, screaming for help.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18And when we went to answer the door the finger was just there.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20It was completely off.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- From where? From halfway? - From his hand.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I know from his hand, I mean... from whereabouts on the finger?
0:10:25 > 0:10:26From the top knuckle.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29You can stick it back on, can't you,
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- and tape it and things like that? - Yeah, yeah, we, um...
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Before the hospital comes along, the doctor.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36We put it in ice. And he took it to the hospital with him,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- and they stitched it back on, apparently.- And did it still move?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I don't know, I've not seen him since.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Had you previously noticed quite how
0:10:45 > 0:10:48vicious the action on your letterbox was?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Well, I've never posted a letter in my own letterbox. Why would I do that?
0:10:51 > 0:10:56Oh, you've had to pull a bulky one through, we all have. And I have...
0:10:56 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER
0:11:03 > 0:11:07What I bet happened is it came down on him and he recoiled in terror,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09something I'm sure that Brian could act with great...
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Imagine, Brian, you put your finger in, you've got it caught.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- How would you recoil?- I'd go...
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhh!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- Something like that.- Yes, yes.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22That sort of thing, yes.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25APPLAUSE
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Was it harrowing? Like, I'd find... - For him, yeah.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- For him?- It must have been quite harrowing for you.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- Yes, it was.- How old were you? - I was, um...about ten.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36And who phoned 999 and said...
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- Not the postman.- .."I've got the postman's finger"?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41LAUGHTER
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I mean, let's be practical, you could use your other hand.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50LAUGHTER
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- So, David, what do you think? - Um, do you think it's true?
0:11:52 > 0:11:56I don't. I think it would've been more kind of affecting.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58I think Kevin's a bit laissez faire with something
0:11:58 > 0:11:59that would've maybe stuck...
0:11:59 > 0:12:03He wouldn't be able to tell a story like this yet, cos...
0:12:03 > 0:12:04- Cos it'd be so traumatic.- Yeah.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08In fact, whenever anyone beckoned to him, he'd scream.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Do you beckon TO someone?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Or do you beckon someone?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Probably beckon. You're right, I've wasted a preposition.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18LAUGHTER
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- So, what do you say - truth or lie? - Yeah.- I don't want it to be true,
0:12:21 > 0:12:25because if it is true for Kevin's postman,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27it could be true for ours, because...
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- Suddenly it explains all those fingers on the doormat.- Yeah.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I think it's not true.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I think the ice is too convenient and it...
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I don't know what I mean by that!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39APPLAUSE
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- We're going to say it's not true. - So it's a lie, then?- Yeah.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Kevin Bishop, the truth or a lie?
0:12:44 > 0:12:45It is in fact...
0:12:45 > 0:12:46true.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48- O-o-o-o-o-oh! - APPLAUSE
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them
0:12:59 > 0:13:01who has the genuine connection to the guest
0:13:01 > 0:13:04and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07So please welcome this week's special guests,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Jenna, Thomas and Joanna.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14APPLAUSE
0:13:18 > 0:13:19So...
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Kate, first of all. What are they to you?
0:13:22 > 0:13:26This is Jenna, Thomas and Joanna and they let me sleep in their tent
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- in Glastonbury when I couldn't find mine.- OK.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- Josh, how do you know them? - This is Jenna, Thomas and Joanna
0:13:33 > 0:13:37- and together we made up my entire school year.- Right.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40David, what is your connection?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43This is Jenna, Thomas and Joanna
0:13:43 > 0:13:46and I nudged them into a canal
0:13:46 > 0:13:50when I lost control of my Boris bike.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52LAUGHTER
0:13:54 > 0:13:56So, there we have it.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Are they Kate's festival friends, Josh's school chums,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02or David's bike buddies?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- Lee's team.- Josh, when you say,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07between the four of you, you made up your school year,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09do you mean it didn't exist?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12My entire year was us four.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I'm looking at faces now to see if they look an equal age. Now...
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Well, yeah, I suppose... Do you think they look an equal age?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Yeah, they do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's convincing.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- OK, that bit of the story we believe.- Yes.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24They look a lot younger than Josh, it has to be said.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Well, you know, they're probably doing three to four press-ups a day.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29LAUGHTER
0:14:29 > 0:14:31- What's...- Between them or...?
0:14:31 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- What year was this?- 1987... - Yeah.- ..to 1994.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I would've been four to 11.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Where was it? Where were you at school?- Devon.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42- Where in Devon?- On Dartmoor.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- How many kids were in the other years?- Oh, well, ours was the smallest.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- You don't say(?)- Yeah.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- So the one below was six...- Right.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50I think it actually started to get bigger,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53cos the school got more popular, so by the time I was leaving,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55you were looking at eight or nines.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56- Right.- That's ridiculous.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59How does a child get any attention with that sort of class size?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- Have you stayed in contact with them?- Uh...
0:15:04 > 0:15:07I haven't stayed in contact with Jenna and Joanna.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08- Why?- Why?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10LAUGHTER
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Hang on, let's test him on this. Which one is Thomas?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Thomas is in the middle.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22And I've seen him a couple of times because his brother is married to my sister.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- Really?- Yeah.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26And they talk about the Welsh, don't they?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28LAUGHTER
0:15:28 > 0:15:29If this was the size of your year,
0:15:29 > 0:15:33what happened when you got to the Nativity play or the summer concert?
0:15:33 > 0:15:34The summer concert?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36LAUGHTER
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Or the garden party, or the...?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40When you troop the colour, how did you do that?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42LAUGHTER
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Well, it wasn't just a class of four,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47we were taught four years together.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Oh, so four fours...12.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51- 16.- 16!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53LAUGHTER
0:15:53 > 0:15:56And that's the benefit of the smaller class size, isn't it?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Is it still as small? - I don't still go.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03No, but you must know. You must know.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07It'd be frowned upon if I hung outside, counting the children.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I'm interested to know what the system was at lunchtime.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Was it packed lunches or did they provide something hot?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Obviously, because there was only, what, 40 children in our school,
0:16:19 > 0:16:23there was no need to cook school dinners on-site.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25So you went to a restaurant? What are you talking about?
0:16:25 > 0:16:26LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:28So we went to Wagamama's. No, um...
0:16:28 > 0:16:30LAUGHTER
0:16:30 > 0:16:34So, what would happen, cos obviously most of us were packed, so, um...
0:16:34 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:38You've got a very high opinion of yourself.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:43So what would happen would be, when you were answering their register,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45you wouldn't say, "Here". Instead you'd say "packed" or "dinners".
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Then one of the children would tally up the amount of people that
0:16:49 > 0:16:53say "dinners" and then they'd phone it through to the nearest school who would...
0:16:53 > 0:16:55The nearest school is where you are.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- No, that's... To the next school. - Oh, right.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Then they'd cook us the eight dinners and get them sent across.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02So you were having supply dinners, essentially.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Yeah, we had a kind of meals on wheels deal with our dinners.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- Wow.- All right, who would you like to quiz next?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Uh, David.- Yeah, David.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Uh...where were you cycling on your Boris bike?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15The Regent's Canal in London.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Sort of from where I live towards...
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Eastwards towards Kings Cross. - "Eastwards"?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Where were you going, Mordor?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25LAUGHTER
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- "I was travelling eastwards." - Eastwards, yes, easterly.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29- Easterly?!- In an easterly direction.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31"I'm off out." "Where you going?"
0:17:31 > 0:17:33"Uh, I'm going eastwards."
0:17:33 > 0:17:35APPLAUSE
0:17:35 > 0:17:37"I'll see you later." "When are you back?" "Oh, I don't know."
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"It depends what the westerly wind's like on the way back."
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- Have you got a bay of Boris bikes near you?- Not that near me.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I was hurrying somewhere and I was late...
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- Where were you going?- To a meeting.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- Were you wearing a helmet? - I was not.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Right, so you were going to a meeting, you were in a rush.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56How did you manage to knock three people in?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- It's ridiculous, isn't it?- Were they stood dressed as dominoes?
0:17:59 > 0:18:00LAUGHTER
0:18:00 > 0:18:03No, they were sort of sitting on the edge of the canal.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I was... I'm not an experienced cyclist.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11I'd only got the Boris bike because I was running so late.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Did you knock them in the river and you thought,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17"Let's swap numbers and keep in touch"?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- That's exactly it, yes. - LAUGHTER
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- I thought that.- So just talk us through it in a bit more detail.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Did you knock them off with your body?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Did you knock them off with the bike?
0:18:26 > 0:18:30I'm cycling along the towpath - I'm late. My phone rings.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34It's the people at the meeting, and I'm afraid I answer my phone...
0:18:34 > 0:18:35- Oh.- ..on the towpath...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- Without a helmet.- Helmetless. - Oh, David.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40You don't expect me to put a helmet on to answer my phone.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:41 > 0:18:43And when they went in, what did you then do?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Well, they were out again as soon as they were in...- Shallow.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48It wasn't a very deep bit of the canal.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50The deeper water is further out.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53That's actually the title of my collection of poems.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- David?- Yeah.- If I was cycling at speed and I hit three people...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03..I think I'd go over myself.
0:19:03 > 0:19:08Wouldn't...? I think the momentum would take me off my bike.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Well, what can I tell you? Doesn't happen.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13LAUGHTER
0:19:13 > 0:19:15What about Kate? Do you have any questions, Brian, for Kate?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- Yes.- Can you...?- What did Kate say?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19She couldn't find her tent at Glastonbury,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21so these three reprobates, let's call them,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24offered for her to sleep in their tent.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26They're my knights in shining armour, they rescued me.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Do you know that I've just done the voiceover
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- for all the loos at Glastonbury?- Oh!
0:19:31 > 0:19:32For the loos?!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35What do you say? What is the voiceover?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38"Are you enjoying your loo? Some people don't have any loo at all.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42"All over the world they don't have a loo and you're privileged to have a loo."
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I've just done a whole government thing for it.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47I thought possibly you might have sat in one of these loos.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER
0:19:49 > 0:19:52No, but I'm envisioning the thought of going into a loo
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- and suddenly you popping into my ears. - LAUGHTER
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Can I just at this point...? Kevin, I know for fact,
0:19:58 > 0:20:02can do a very, very good Brian Blessed impersonation.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- AS BRIAN:- "I, no, I wouldn't, absolutely..."
0:20:04 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:09 > 0:20:12"Are you sitting down?"
0:20:12 > 0:20:14"Are you sitting comfortably?"
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Oh, great, now I've got him in stereo.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- First of all, when was this? - This was Glastonbury, 2011.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28My boyfriend bought tickets for him and his brother,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30and then I heard Beyonce was going to be there,
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- so I said, "I'll come, too," so I could see the goddess...- OK.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- ..in person. - So you've lost your tent...
0:20:36 > 0:20:39So at one o'clock in the morning, I needed to go to the loo,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41so I set off in search of the loos with my phone.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43And because you'd gone to see Beyonce,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46when you couldn't find your tent... There's a joke coming up.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49..did you go, # Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh,-uh-oh, uh-oh... # ?
0:20:49 > 0:20:50SHE SINGS ALONG
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Rob, Rob, Rob...
0:20:51 > 0:20:55- No...- You told us about some joke that was on its way.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57LAUGHTER
0:20:57 > 0:21:01APPLAUSE
0:21:01 > 0:21:03So you come back and now you can't find your tent...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Well, I had a bit of a loo mission,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07because the first set of loos were not clean,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09and so I had to try and find some more, so I went...
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Someone, said, "There's some more over there,"
0:21:12 > 0:21:17and there were people sort of, you know, making new friends there,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19so I didn't want to stay there.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22LAUGHTER
0:21:22 > 0:21:24This poor woman who was taking pity on me said,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"There's another over there," so I went to the other ones, and...
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- This is like a quest.- Yes. - First set of loos, too dirty.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Second set of loos, too sexually compromised.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Set of loos number three...
0:21:35 > 0:21:38This is the voiceover you want in the toilet, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41"Don't forget this is for defecation, not sexual compromise."
0:21:41 > 0:21:44LAUGHTER
0:21:46 > 0:21:51Yes, I have the precise timbre to reverse arousal.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52LAUGHTER
0:21:52 > 0:21:55So you're going, you're crawling through the grass at Glastonbury...
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- I found the third set. That was all fine.- Good.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01And then I thought, "OK, I'm going to walk back now."
0:22:01 > 0:22:03But I just couldn't find my way.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04How did they come about?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Well, I was wandering around and then I just thought,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"I'm going to have to throw myself on someone's mercy," so I...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I thought you were going to say "tent" then.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- I thought, "That's no way of doing it".- Help me!"
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Surely just knock on the flap first.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17That's the voice you need in the toilet!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:23I just saw these three friendly people, and I thought,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26"Maybe I'll just approach them," because I was getting desperate.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29So I said, "Look, I'm completely lost," and they said they'd help.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31"We'll help you find this first set of loos,"
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- because if I found the first set, I can find my tent.- I see.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36So, they said, "Look, we could be going all night,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39"this is really useless, let's just go and sleep in our tent."
0:22:39 > 0:22:42What's the set-up with Thomas...
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Jenna and Joanna? LAUGHTER
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Well, this is a good point, Rob, because I did have that question...
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Did you hear that? Good point. - Unlike the postman.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- Good point.- I know, I got it.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56I was wondering when the joke was coming.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Yeah. That's the problem with postal jokes,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00it's always the next day when you get it.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:04 > 0:23:06All right. We need an answer.
0:23:06 > 0:23:11So, Lee's team, are Jenna, Thomas and Joanna Kate's festival friends,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Josh's school chums, or David's bike buddies?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Do you think there's any truth in David's story?
0:23:17 > 0:23:18No, none at all. None at all.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21The whole escapade sounds like Toad Of Toad Hall with the bike,
0:23:21 > 0:23:24the Boris bike going down the canal.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Regent's Canal, of course, that's near the zoo there,
0:23:27 > 0:23:28where you get lots of orang-utans.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:32At the very least, it's unlikely.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Oh, it's definitely unlikely. I mean, it's worthy of anecdote.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I mean, no-one's going to come and say,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41"These are three people I said hello to in the post office".
0:23:41 > 0:23:43LAUGHTER
0:23:43 > 0:23:45There's got to be an unlikeliness to it or it's not worth televising.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47APPLAUSE
0:23:47 > 0:23:50This is potentially worth televising.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:56 > 0:23:57I think it's Josh.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- Brian thinks it's Josh.- Yeah.- Kevin?
0:24:00 > 0:24:01I also think it's Josh.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Is it the ages? Cos they do look very similar in age.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I have to say, Tom in the middle there, of the three,
0:24:07 > 0:24:08looks like he's had a slightly harder life.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10LAUGHTER
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- We're going to go with Josh. - You're going to say it's Josh.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15On behalf of the three,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Joanna, would you reveal your true identities?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21We are Joanna, Thomas and Jenna,
0:24:21 > 0:24:23and together we make up the entire year of Josh's school.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27APPLAUSE
0:24:27 > 0:24:30It is. And here's the proof, we've got the school photo.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Have a look.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Thank you very much, Jenna, Thomas and Joanna.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39APPLAUSE
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with...
0:24:44 > 0:24:46It's Lee.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Because it irritates me so much,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I'm always correcting people when they wrongly call fog "mist",
0:24:54 > 0:24:57and mist "fog".
0:24:57 > 0:24:59David.
0:25:00 > 0:25:05Oh, right. What is the distinction, Lee, between mist and fog?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- Well, that is a very good question, David.- Yeah.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11LAUGHTER
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Any others?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Mist is...
0:25:15 > 0:25:19I used to live by the coast, we used to have a lot of sea fret.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- You know, sea fret.- Nope. What's sea fret?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- Sea fret is like, it's a sort of mist...- Right.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- ..and it's produced by the sea. - Fog-like, you might say.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30That really irritates me, that, David.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32APPLAUSE
0:25:32 > 0:25:35There is a thing called sea fret. It is when the mist comes off the sea,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38it's the water that comes off the sea, we used to have a lot of that.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40I remember my mum said, "Oh, it's foggy again."
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- And I killed her. - LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I would say that was when it started.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I call that Day One.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- So here's a question maybe familiar to you, Lee...- Yes.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54What is the difference...between mist and fog?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- I'll tell you exactly the difference.- Mm-hmm.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01Mist comes from a very rainy day, which then becomes...
0:26:01 > 0:26:02- Misty.- ..misty.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Whereas fog is where it's foggy.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09APPLAUSE
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Fog...fog comes from a drop in temperature.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14If it's very cold suddenly.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16There has to be a sudden temperature change for fog.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- How quick?- Mist is the opposite and is often created by heat,
0:26:18 > 0:26:22which causes water to evaporate and thus causing mist.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24And be honest, you weren't expecting that, were you?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26APPLAUSE
0:26:26 > 0:26:28So fog is as a result of a sudden drop in temperature.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33Mist is a result of evaporation caused by heat.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- Yeah. - And can you tell to look at it,
0:26:36 > 0:26:40or do you have to have known the meteorological back-story?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43You can tell by looking at it. Mist is...
0:26:43 > 0:26:45How can I describe it in layman's terms? Um...
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Is mist thinner?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- Fog is on the floor, isn't it? - Yeah, fog is denser.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Mist is a little... It's a bit easier to see someone in mist.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55But how could you tell the difference between a light fog and a heavy mist?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58LAUGHTER
0:26:58 > 0:27:02You can tell the difference, in the same way as you can tell the difference between
0:27:02 > 0:27:04a light fat person and a heavy thin person.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06LAUGHTER
0:27:06 > 0:27:09When was the last time you corrected someone on it?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11The last foggy day we had.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Who was it that you corrected?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I corrected a sailor, actually.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- How did you find yourself to be with a sailor?- I was on a fishing trip.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22- On a fishing trip?- On a fishing trip, just off the west coast of Scotland.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- What were you doing up there?- Lost. It was from Brighton we left.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26LAUGHTER
0:27:26 > 0:27:30What do you feel about the Paul Gascoigne song Fog On The Tyne?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I felt worse when he took that penalty and he missed.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Why do you find people making this mistake between two phenomena that
0:27:43 > 0:27:45do look pretty similar? Why do you...?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- They don't look similar. - Yes, of course they look similar.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- No, they don't.- It's like the air is difficult to look through.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55What is it about the distinction between mist and fog
0:27:55 > 0:27:57that makes it a particular bugbear of yours?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00I think it's because of when I lost my Uncle Pete at sea...
0:28:00 > 0:28:03LAUGHTER
0:28:05 > 0:28:07So, what are you going to say then? Is it the truth?
0:28:07 > 0:28:10- Lie.- Lie?- Lie. Lie, we think it's a lie.- You're saying it's a lie. OK.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Lee...truth or lie?
0:28:13 > 0:28:14It's a lie.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17APPLAUSE
0:28:17 > 0:28:18BUZZER
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Oh, and that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show
0:28:21 > 0:28:25and I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to two.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Thanks for watching. Goodnight.