0:00:25 > 0:00:28Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You At Christmas,
0:00:28 > 0:00:31a very special edition filled with festive fibs.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35On David Mitchell's team tonight, a Bafta-nominated actress whose
0:00:35 > 0:00:37first job was in a sandwich shop.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Well, it did allow her time to work on her roles.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43- It's Kerry Howard.- Ah, beautiful. - APPLAUSE
0:00:46 > 0:00:48And a legendary cricket commentator who is
0:00:48 > 0:00:53so posh he makes David sound common, it's Henry Blofeld.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a BBC news journalist who has
0:01:01 > 0:01:05reported from war zones and trouble spots in over 80 countries.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09It's a dangerous job, but think of the air miles, it's Clive Myrie.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- Thank you. - APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:19And a vicar who once performed the number one song, Don't Leave Me This Way.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21What a funeral that was.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25It's the Reverend Richard Coles. APPLAUSE
0:01:27 > 0:01:31And so we begin with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists
0:01:31 > 0:01:33each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38they have no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44And we start with Richard.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50In our family, whoever was deemed to have done the worst
0:01:50 > 0:01:53mime in the Christmas game of charades had to stand up
0:01:53 > 0:01:56and have their finger nibbled by our pet tortoise.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- David's team. - What was the tortoise called?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- Aldwincle. - Why was he called Aldwincle?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Because that was the name of the place we got him,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- the village of Aldwincle. - How did it start?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11It must have been my father, it has his stamp upon it.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I don't really remember, it was just something we always did
0:02:13 > 0:02:15and it seemed perfectly normal to us.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17What was it about your father's finger?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It wasn't my father's finger.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22It was... He rather liked the sort of traditional
0:02:22 > 0:02:25aspects of Christmas, and liked to follow these things.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27But that's not one of them.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- Well, we could... - But that's an invention.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33I mean, there are other... Already there are some off-the-shelf traditions you could have used.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34- Yeah.- Well, I think a little...
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Mince pies, carols, turkey or goose, that kind of thing.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41I think he was sprinkled with a little artificial snow
0:02:41 > 0:02:44to make him seasonal, but nonetheless that's what we did.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER
0:02:45 > 0:02:47It wasn't a great time of year for Aldwincle,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I think he was probably bewildered by the entire process,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51but nonetheless that was what we did.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Of course, as I'd forgotten, but you've reminded me, they hibernate.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Well...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58KERRY: Oh, yeah!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00That's exactly, that's exactly true.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04But hibernation can be an interrupted affair.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I hope you've got your information right here.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07No, they're...
0:03:07 > 0:03:11All the kids at home - "Wake up the tortoise, it's fine, the Reverend Richard Coles says.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12"Let's go and dig up Nan."
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- I will concede... - LAUGHTER
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I will concede Aldwincle was not at his liveliest,
0:03:20 > 0:03:24he was a bit more vital, I have to say, vigorous, in the summer months.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Well, this is the thing that worries me because I think waking a tortoise...
0:03:27 > 0:03:31- ROB: I mean, can you wake an animal? - Waking any animal from hibernation can cause problems,
0:03:31 > 0:03:35so let's not do that, kids. Whether this is truth or a lie.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38OK, but the actual ceremony. So, so you've played charades...
0:03:38 > 0:03:42There would always be somebody who did Papillion,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45there would always be somebody who did The Taking of Pe...
0:03:45 > 0:03:48We did the same, you know, it's ritualised, that stuff.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Sorry, you did the same films every year?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Nearly every, yeah.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55You're really into ceremonial, aren't you?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57"We will now mime The Taking of Pelham 123."
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Exactly.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03How was it decided who'd lost at charades? How did you do the scoring of charades?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06It was usually by the kind of tutting and sighing,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- the amount of tutting and sighing.- Right.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10And also by the length of time it took to guess
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- the four films that we did every year.- OK. - LAUGHTER
0:04:14 > 0:04:18And what were the other two? Papillion and The Taking of Pelham 123.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- It was Papillion, The Taking of Pelham 123.- Yeah.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24The Sound Of The Music and Towering Inferno.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- I've not seen The Sound Of The Music.- Sorry!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30That sounds less positive about the music.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33The Sound Of The Music is keeping everyone awake.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38OK, so, David's team. Kerry, what are you thinking?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40KERRY: I think it's got to be a lie, hasn't it?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Richard has a very honest face doesn't he?
0:04:42 > 0:04:46You see, well, interesting about Richard, cos that clothing he's wearing,
0:04:46 > 0:04:52only two sorts of people wear that - vicars and confidence tricksters.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54We don't know which one he is yet.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59- You think there's a difference? - ROB: What are you thinking, Henry?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- Satire.- CLIVE:- Satire, yeah.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07I think because of the hibernation problem, I think it has to be a lie.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08What about you, though, David?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11What I think, and what I always think, is it could be either.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- Yeah.- Yes.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Because of course it sounds unlikely, but at the same time
0:05:15 > 0:05:18that's exactly the kind of true thing they would pick.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22- Yes.- If he just said, "At Christmas we would have mince pies,"
0:05:22 > 0:05:24then you'd go, "Well, that sounds true, yes, true."
0:05:24 > 0:05:27What a merry show that would be.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30But, no, they've got to pick something that's either a lie,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33or a true thing that might as well be a lie because it's so unlikely.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37And it's finding that distinction that apparently is
0:05:37 > 0:05:40the point of this section of my life.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Lie, we'll say lie.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50You're saying lie. Richard, truth or lie?
0:05:50 > 0:05:51It's a lie.
0:05:54 > 0:06:00Yes, it's a lie. Richard didn't have his finger bitten by a tortoise if he lost at charades.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Henry, you're next.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03My dear old thing.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08If fans stop me in the street when I don't want to be disturbed,
0:06:08 > 0:06:12I will put on my common voice and pretend I'm someone else.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Lee.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Right, Henry, I think you should pretend you're at Lord's,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26and I want you to give me a bit of commentary...
0:06:26 > 0:06:28In the common voice? Or the normal voice?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30No, no, no, no - in his common voice.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32In the common voice, yes.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- ATTEMPTS COCKNEY STYLE ACCENT: - My dear old thing, it's, it's...
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Oh, that's the Australian voice, isn't it?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Don't worry that'll do.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- ATTEMPTS "COMMON" VOICE:- I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44No, gawd bless her, that's, that's...
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Where's all, where's all these coming in from the pavilion end?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Gor blimey, look at them strides.
0:06:49 > 0:06:55I'll tell you what! He bowls and Boycott. Boycott, he played forward, gawd bless him!
0:06:55 > 0:07:00- ACCENT BECOMES WEST COUNTRY: - That's what, that's what I do when I, when I go off my long run.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Also West Country now, he's coming to me!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05You are changing your accent throughout.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- Where did you go then? You went down to the West Country all of a sudden. - I know!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10You didn't tell me where I had to go...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:- ..and I wanted to make all your audience feel 'appy.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Do you get all your voice training from Worzel Gummidge?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18When was the last time this happened,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20where you didn't want to be recognised?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Well, I'll tell you when I don't want to be recognised, when I'm eating.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25When I'm eating and drinking and having dinner.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26In your own house?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28LAUGHTER
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I mean, we've met your lovely wife tonight,
0:07:30 > 0:07:35if she recognised you, surely she deserves some sort of warmth from her husband.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I allow her to recognise me on alternate Tuesdays
0:07:38 > 0:07:39and on Bank Holidays.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41So you don't...
0:07:41 > 0:07:44No, of course not, she's wonderful and absolutely marvellous
0:07:44 > 0:07:46and I wouldn't have a word said against her and she's
0:07:46 > 0:07:48the best thing that ever happened to me, what was the question?
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- Oh!- Yeah.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57So, what, when was the last time this happened?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00The last time, when I was eating outside, in a restaurant.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- When was this?- Oh, two nights ago.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- OK, where were you?- In Penzance.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Is that where you picked up the accent?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- Ah, I had another one that night. - Oh, what did you do then?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- WELSH ACCENT:- I did a little bit of Welsh, I think.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- I had a very good... I had a very good friend who...- Very good.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Henry, imagine that we're out, you're out in a restaurant now,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25you've having dinner with David Mitchell, what a treat,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28and I've spotted you, OK? So, imagine, have your dinner,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31you and David, you're just eating away, chatting, OK?
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Excuse me, I, I don't mean to bother you. Sorry, David, don't mean to bother you,
0:08:35 > 0:08:39but you're not that Henry Blofeld, the cricket commentator, are you?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I, I... Would you come again, old thing? I didn't quite get you.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Yes, you are! That's your voice?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- It's lovely to meet you.- Oh.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55How are you? Oh, I can't believe it.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- Oh, it's wonderful, gawd bless. - David Mitchell.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I love the Peep Show, I really do. Not the later series.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04It dropped off a bit, but the early stuff, wonderful.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Can I have a selfie, you don't mind, do you?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Darling, of course.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Lovely to meet you.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13A friend told me you always put on a different voice,
0:09:13 > 0:09:14but apparently you don't.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Fair enough. Lovely to meet you.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22So, what are you thinking, Lee's team?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Clive, does this strike you as true?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I don't think it's true because it was
0:09:26 > 0:09:30the flip-flopping between the accents that I thought was a little bit suspect.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Richard, what about you?
0:09:31 > 0:09:36Well, in a very real sense, what is truth?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Well, well, no-one's ever said that on this before.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48I think it's a farrago, a falsehood and a tissue of lies.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- Shall we say it's a lie? - You're going to say lie?- Lie.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54OK, Henry, was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57It was a lie.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00APPLAUSE
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Yes, it's a lie.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Henry doesn't put on a common voice to avoid talking to fans.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:10:10 > 0:10:13who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:10:15 > 0:10:17that has the genuine connection to the guest,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23So, please welcome this week's special guest, Matthew.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27APPLAUSE
0:10:30 > 0:10:33So, Richard, what is Matthew to you?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35This is Matthew.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40When we were nine years old, we co-founded an atheists' club.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Clive, what is Matthew to you?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48This is Matthew, and when he was filming me
0:10:48 > 0:10:53reporting on a rise in street crime, someone took his camera.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57And finally, Lee, what is your relationship with Matthew?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00This is Matthew. I had to foot his dry cleaning bill
0:11:00 > 0:11:03after my fidget spinner landed in his soup.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:06 > 0:11:08So, there we have it.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Is Matthew Richard's atheist ally,
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Clive's camera-less cameraman, or Lee's dirty diner?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16DAVID LAUGHS
0:11:16 > 0:11:18David's team, who would you like to start with?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- Richard.- Yes.- Atheist club.- Yes.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Well, there's an obvious question, isn't there?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27At what point did you decide to lie about your atheism just to
0:11:27 > 0:11:29earn money from the Church of England?
0:11:29 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER
0:11:30 > 0:11:36Matthew and I were boy trebles, choristers together at prep school,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38and we sang in the choir together,
0:11:38 > 0:11:44and at the age of nine we formed the School Chapel Choir Atheists Club.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48As a protest against the blandishments of religion,
0:11:48 > 0:11:53and as a refusal to submit to the mythical and tyrannical deity forced upon us.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Richard, Richard, it's Christmas.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:12:00I'll bet you had a lovely voice as well, because, you know,
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- with the Communards...- Yeah. - You were lovely, weren't you?
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Well, that wasn't me singing in the Communards.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Have you ever interviewed a rock star before?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- IN WELSH ACCENT: - "With the Communards you were lovely, weren't you?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14"Next week, Mick Jagger.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17"With the Rolling Stones you were lovely, isn't it?"
0:12:17 > 0:12:19LAUGHTER
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I don't believe that a nine-year-old would have
0:12:21 > 0:12:23bonked his Christmas stocking on the head like that.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Well, that's a very interesting point. Did you still have a Christmas stocking?
0:12:28 > 0:12:33Well, I would suspend my atheism if there was any chance of personal reward involved.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- Yes, OK, I...- Respect that. - I believe that, yes, yeah.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39And now you've done so with your whole career.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- Exactly.- Yeah. So at what point did you begin to doubt your doubts?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46At what point did I wake from the slumber of atheism?
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- Yes, exactly, or...- That came along much later, when I was in my late 20s,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53after a period of turbulence in life
0:12:53 > 0:12:57and I realised that what I had acquired, unknowingly,
0:12:57 > 0:13:03all those years ago in the choir, was actually... I was good to go with it.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05And that was after the Communards,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07a time at which, I will say, you were lovely.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Thank you very much.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Was it just you and Matthew or were there other non-believers?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12No, there was Porky Hamblin as well.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- Porky Hamblin?- Porky Hamblin?! - Yeah.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Porky Hamblin sounds like a cartoon character
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- that they use to advertise pies. - KERRY:- You read in the Beano.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- LEE:- Were you brought up in an Enid Blyton book?
0:13:23 > 0:13:29Porky, Porky Hamblin was a barrister who became a Pilates teacher in Market Harborough.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Could you harmonise now, together, you and Matthew?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33No, Matthew's not allowed to make any sound.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Matthew's not allowed to sing.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Is he not? - I've got a lovely voice so...
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- Could you? - If you wanted to sing we could.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43# Sing choirs of angels
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- ROB ATTEMPTS HARMONY - # Sing in exultation. #
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Oh, you, you did that, I went for that as well. I went for the descant, sorry.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- OK.- What would be the atheist's version of that?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56It would be a largely silent howl of punk rage.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Go on, then.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Ahhhhhh!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- APPLAUSE - OK, OK.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Right.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Who would you like to question next?
0:14:08 > 0:14:09- Clive?- Hm.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12You were filming a segment about street crime.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Rising levels of street crime, yeah.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18And Matthew was filming me doing a piece to camera,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20and it often happens when you're in the middle of the street
0:14:20 > 0:14:22and, you know, things are going on and so forth.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26People are coming up behind you and mooning or they come up doing
0:14:26 > 0:14:29this kind of thing while you're trying to do the piece to camera.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31- LEE:- That's me! - Yeah.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34And this kid comes up behind and goes like this.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I, of course, didn't see him do that, but Matthew saw that happen.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Definitely a kid, not a rabbit?
0:14:39 > 0:14:40LAUGHTER
0:14:40 > 0:14:43He took one hand off the lens to say, "Get out of the shot!"
0:14:43 > 0:14:46And someone ran up behind him and just grabbed the camera off him.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- KERRY:- Wow.- A camera's quite big and heavy.- Yeah, very.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51They're heavy, exactly, so he legged it with the camera.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- Yeah.- Holding it by the handle, running like this.- Yes.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Me and Matthew legged it after him,
0:14:55 > 0:14:59and because they are quite heavy, he couldn't continue that far.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00So he just dropped it.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02So, you got the camera back, but presumably it was badly damaged?
0:15:02 > 0:15:03It was a bit knackered, yes.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05But the film, the main thing was the film was intact.
0:15:05 > 0:15:10- But a television camera, that's not a very useful thing for them to steal, is it?- You flog it.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15It's pretty noticeable, isn't it? "We've got this television camera. It's my granny's."
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- LAUGHTER - You'd be... You would be surprised.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22What you want is an iPhone or some cash, don't you?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Kids, what you want is an iPhone or some cash.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- Can I touch Matthew's arms, to feel his muscles?- Yes, you can.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Cos, if you're a cameraman, you've got to have guns, right?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Well, feel free.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36- OK, would you like...? - Bear in mind...
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Not necessarily. A lot of guys wear braces now.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- Bear in mind Matthew's not allowed to speak.- Right.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- I won't engage.- None of your probing questions.- I'm not going to...
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Thank you!
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Quite strong. And the other one?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Wow! You work out? - LEE:- Does he?- Not a word.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56- LEE:- I tell you what, I wish I hadn't dropped my fidget spinner in his soup.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I wouldn't have done it if I had known that.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04OK, now, what about Lee? He is having soup and fidget spinners.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- What is a fidget spinner, firstly? - Do you really not know?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10A fidget spinner is all the rage at the moment.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12You get them in different shapes and sizes,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- and you spin it on your finger and it just spins round.- Right.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20- Lee, I've got one here. If you want to...- Yes.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22So, that is the fidget spinner.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25You place it on the finger and you basically just spin it round,
0:16:25 > 0:16:26and it's quite relaxing.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Where were when you were fidgeting with this?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30We were in a restaurant, me and my friend.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- HENRY:- If you're in a restaurant eating soup,
0:16:33 > 0:16:35surely you wouldn't be spinning things on your finger.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I did not say I was eating soup.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- Were you eating soup?- Yes.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41LAUGHTER
0:16:41 > 0:16:46- But you seem very adept with that. - But I didn't SAY I was eating soup. Cos it landed in his soup.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Describe the scene. You are in a restaurant. Who are you with?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51I'm with Eddie The Hat, who's a mate of mine.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56- Eddie The Hat. Is that a nickname, or is he a hat?- No, it's...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Have you befriended a hat?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01No, he is Eddie The Hat, it's a nickname we have, because...
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- I don't care.- Weirdly, weirdly, he never wears hats.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Now, so, you're having a meal with Eddie.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- Eddie The Hat.- Where's Matthew?
0:17:10 > 0:17:15Matthew is sat, I would say, not a million miles away from the distance he is now.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16A little bit nearer.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20- At the next table?- Yes.- So, you're having soup with one hand,
0:17:20 > 0:17:21- and...- Doing this.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24..using the spinner with the other, is that right?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27I'd had the last few mouthfuls, the bowl was still there,
0:17:27 > 0:17:31and then, as we all do, well, since I stopped smoking, I decided to have a quick spin.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33And you can still spin in a restaurant.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- They haven't started the rule where you have to spin outside.- OK.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Did you feel, as you were eating the soup, a bit of spinning coming on?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I did. I always do, towards the end of a particularly...
0:17:42 > 0:17:45After breakfast, do you spin with your cup of coffee?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Every opportunity, to keep my... To stop my hands feeling busy.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50It was something a therapist told me to do.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I think it's "to keep your hands busy", is the expression.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Not "stop my hands feeling busy".
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- LAUGHTER - Those are the words of a maniac.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01It keeps my hands calm,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03cos I'm always wanting to do things with my hands.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Like at the moment, I want to punch David in the face.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06LAUGHTER
0:18:06 > 0:18:08With my fidget spinner, I wouldn't do it.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12So, there you are, you're having a post-soup spin.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- Having a little spin.- What happens?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I'm spinning away, and Eddie The Hat is talking about things,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20you know, and he is quite impressed, he's going, "You can spin quite fast, can't you?"
0:18:20 > 0:18:24I said, "Oh, yeah." And I got a little bit carried away and I went for a massive one.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27It flew off, the spinner landed in the soup, and an explosion
0:18:27 > 0:18:30of tomato soup went all over his shirt, his jacket and trousers.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- Wow!- What happened to the spinner?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36He took the spinner out like that, he was disgusted at me.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40He gave it back. I didn't help matters by going, "Yep, still working."
0:18:40 > 0:18:43LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:47All right. We need an answer. So, David's team.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Is Matthew Richard's atheist ally,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Clive's camera-less cameraman,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55or could he be Lee's dirty diner?
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Well, he's got strong arms, he's wiry, he could be a cameraman.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00- He looks like a cameraman. - He looks like a cameraman.
0:19:00 > 0:19:05He could also, of course, eat in a restaurant, because anyone can.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09And he looks about the right age to have been at school with Richard.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Do you see the problem?
0:19:13 > 0:19:14I would say Clive.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- And you think...?- I think Clive. Yep. The cameraman, defo.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- Well, I think it's Richard.- What?!
0:19:21 > 0:19:26- LEE:- It sounds to me like the truth is somewhere between Clive and Richard.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- I'm not going to overrule, we'll say Clive.- Thank you.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32OK, they are saying that it's Clive.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37Matthew, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I'm Matthew, and Richard and I did start an atheists' club.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42What?!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44APPLAUSE
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Yes, Matthew is Richard's atheist ally.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Thank you very much, Matthew.
0:19:58 > 0:20:03Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies and we start with...
0:20:03 > 0:20:05It's Kerry.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Oh!
0:20:06 > 0:20:11Right, OK. After a flu virus swept through my class,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14I starred in a primary school production
0:20:14 > 0:20:18of Snow White And The Two Dwarfs.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- And presumably one of them was Sneezy.- Yes.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- What did you play? - I played Snow White.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- Ah.- Yes.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31And which of the two dwarfs appeared?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Er...Happy...
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- Yeah.- ..and Grumpy.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39And which of the five didn't?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41LAUGHTER
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- Sleepy.- Yes.- Snoozy.- Snoozy, oh, yes.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Sleepy, Snoozy, Can't Wake Upy.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- Dopey.- Dopey.- Dopey.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- LEE:- Davy, Beaky, Mick and Titch.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- Who can remember the seven dwarfs? - I can't remember all of them.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- There's Happy...- There's Happy, Doc...- Doc.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03..Grumpy, Sleepy, Gary, Robbie and Mark.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05You've played 'em all, Rob.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Did no-one suggest cancelling?
0:21:07 > 0:21:12No, because originally, the thing is, I was one of the dwarfs. I was Sneezy.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Oh, you got promoted. - Yeah, so I was adamant,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17I was like, "Come on, this is my chance." I had one show.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- And how much notice did they give you?- Pff, they gave me one day.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22One day, and you learnt all the lines in a day?
0:21:22 > 0:21:23I knew the lines.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27- LAUGHTER - She was sneezing in rehearsal.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30She could have been feeling Grumpy, that would have been worse.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31LAUGHTER
0:21:31 > 0:21:34So, what do you think, is she telling the truth?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I'm loving this, I'm loving this show, I desperately want to see it,
0:21:37 > 0:21:41but I'm allowing that to cloud my judgment, cos I think it's not true.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Clive, what do you think?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45It doesn't sound plausible to me at all.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- No? Lie?- Lie.- Lie. - Lie. Lie, team says lie.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52OK, Kerry, were you telling the truth, or was it all a lie?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54My life is a house of lies.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Wow.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58APPLAUSE
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Yes, it's a lie, Kerry didn't star in a school
0:22:01 > 0:22:04production of Snow White And The Two Dwarfs.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Next, it's Henry.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15After a mix-up on the telephone,
0:22:15 > 0:22:19I accidentally went on holiday with the wrong girl.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Right, Lee's team.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Was this recently?
0:22:24 > 0:22:30Not recently, but near enough to be slightly embarrassing.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- OK.- It was early 1979.- Early 1979!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36LAUGHTER
0:22:36 > 0:22:39And that's fairly recently, is it? Blimey.
0:22:39 > 0:22:45- Well...- I'm glad this story wasn't a long time ago, it would have been in the 1640s.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48So, who did you think you were phoning?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- That's none of your business, but... - OK.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Were you going out with her at the time, was she your girlfriend?
0:22:54 > 0:22:59- Was she a sort of...? - She was a lady I had met in Sydney.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02What was the circumstance that meant that you ended up meeting this lady?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Well, I mean if you're in another country like Australia for,
0:23:05 > 0:23:09for five months or nearly five months, there's always
0:23:09 > 0:23:13the chance you're going to meet a lady or two, isn't there?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- I mean... I mean. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I want to know, at any point during the phone call did you
0:23:19 > 0:23:22realise you were speaking to the wrong woman?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- No.- You never realised.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28It was quite late at night, I have to admit,
0:23:28 > 0:23:32and I'd probably had a thimble or two of wine,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35so I wasn't actually into the business of dissecting voices.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39And the reason you were calling was to say, "Come on holiday with me."
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Well, it was more specific than that, actually, it was to say,
0:23:42 > 0:23:46"Would you like to come and spend three or four days with me the weekend after next in Monte Carlo?"
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- KERRY:- Wow, I'd say yes.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52So, this girl that's answered, have you ever met this other girl,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54the one that you're now phoning?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- Yes.- Who was this girl, another sort of...?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59It's not a matter I'm prepared to discuss with an almost total stranger.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Right, got you.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Right, so, just to clarify, you're sleeping with both of these women.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08- LAUGHTER - Can I ask, is that a question or a statement?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- It's definitely a statement, we all know.- A statement.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- We're all reading between the lines. - In which case I can ignore it.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15You've got this other woman's phone number,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18now you've phoned her up, woman number two answers the phone,
0:24:18 > 0:24:22how long does the conversation go on where you think it's woman number one?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Oh, it went on for seven or eight minutes.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28OK, so, when you put the phone down,
0:24:28 > 0:24:32you believe that you have now arranged a holiday with
0:24:32 > 0:24:34what you think is woman number one, is that correct?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- You're getting better and better at this.- Right.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Now, when is the next time you speak to woman number two?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43I went, in fact, 10 days later to Heathrow,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46and you know how it takes... You get there and you meet someone.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49I'm sure everyone here will understand exactly what I'm saying.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52And you see people come through and you wait forever
0:24:52 > 0:24:54and you look at the wretched board that says the thing has landed.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57And you wait and wait and wait and no-one came at all.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01No tall, voluptuous blonde, I couldn't see anything like that.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05And then I did see a rather...
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I don't mean the word dumpy in an uncomplimentary way.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10LAUGHTER
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Maybe that's the wrong word.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14A brunette there, and I said, she walked through...
0:25:14 > 0:25:17"No, sorry, dumpy's the wrong word, I meant brunette."
0:25:17 > 0:25:19That's not going to wash.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22And she walked through, and I suddenly thought there was
0:25:22 > 0:25:26something vaguely familiar about her, and she looked up
0:25:26 > 0:25:28and looked at me and recognised me.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32And I said to her, "My dear old thing, what on earth are you doing here?"
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Oh, no!
0:25:34 > 0:25:38And she said, "What are you doing here? I'm supposed to be meeting Geoffrey Boycott."
0:25:38 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:47I said, "My dear old thing, what on earth are you doing here?"
0:25:47 > 0:25:50And she said to me, "Don't you remember ringing up and asking me
0:25:50 > 0:25:53"to come to Monte Carlo for the weekend?"
0:25:53 > 0:25:54- KERRY:- Oh, no!
0:25:54 > 0:25:57And do you know what was so awful?
0:25:57 > 0:25:58God.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Was that I couldn't remember her name.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Oh, no!
0:26:02 > 0:26:09And so what I did was, I ran towards her to pick up her baggage,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11not in order to be altruistic and help her,
0:26:11 > 0:26:15but in order to read her name on her label.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19APPLAUSE
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Brilliant.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Henry, I just wondered how was the weekend?
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Erm, interesting, interesting.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34It wasn't what I would call a Grand Prix weekend, exactly,
0:26:34 > 0:26:39we had one, one or two rather sort of unenforced pit stops.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42LAUGHTER
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- So, what do you think, Lee?- Wow this is an... I hope it's true.
0:26:53 > 0:26:58- The Monte Carlo rings true for someone like him. - Oh, definitely, yeah. Yeah.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Well, look at his jacket, I would've said Butlins.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:11So, what we going to say?
0:27:11 > 0:27:15- I think it's true.- Oh, lord...- Well, I think it's a lie, but I want it to be true.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17So I'm going to say true.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19All right, you're going to say it's true.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Henry, was it true or were you telling a lie?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28KERRY LAUGHS
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- KERRY:- I'm so excited.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32It was...
0:27:32 > 0:27:33..true.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Yes! Hey, hey, hey!
0:27:35 > 0:27:38APPLAUSE
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Wow.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Yes, it's true, Henry did go on holiday with the wrong girl.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49BUZZER SOUNDS
0:27:49 > 0:27:51That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show
0:27:51 > 0:27:54and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by 4 points to 1.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Yay! Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Thanks for watching, we'll see you next time, goodnight.