0:00:15 > 0:00:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,
0:00:25 > 0:00:28the show that separates the truth from the twaddle.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32On David Mitchell's team tonight, an actor who recently hosted
0:00:32 > 0:00:37Channel 4's Fake News, a panel show all about lying - it'll never work.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39It's Stephen Mangan.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45And an actress whose award-winning stage and screen work
0:00:45 > 0:00:48spans an incredible 60 years.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I'm so sorry it's come to this, it's Sheila Hancock.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57And on Lee Mack's team tonight, she's a roving reporter
0:00:57 > 0:01:01for the One Show, where her hard-hitting reports saw her
0:01:01 > 0:01:04visit all 19 of Britain's Pencil Museums,
0:01:04 > 0:01:05it's Anita Rani.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11And the star of Catastrophe, Line Of Duty, and Shetland,
0:01:11 > 0:01:13it's Mark Bonnar.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19We begin as always with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists
0:01:19 > 0:01:22each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- Sheila, you're first up tonight.- Oh.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39I keep a spare front door key on my cat's collar.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42If I ever get locked out, I simply call my cat
0:01:42 > 0:01:44and he comes to my rescue.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- Lee's team.- Wow. - What's the name of your cat, Sheila?
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Stanley.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Could you do the call? How do you call Stanley?
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Meow!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Surely... Surely that's how he calls you?!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59No, that's what Stanley says.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02I was confusing, because when he wanted to come in,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I didn't have a cat flap
0:02:04 > 0:02:08and I would do the intercom and say, "Are you there, Stanley?"
0:02:08 > 0:02:10And he'd go, "Meow!"
0:02:10 > 0:02:12So you haven't got a cat flap.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13I haven't got a cat flap, no.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16You haven't got a cat flap and the spare key is round his neck.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- Yeah.- What happens if you come and he's in the house?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21He doesn't have them on when he's in the house.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Oh, he takes them off, does he, when he comes in?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- I take them off.- Does he take it off and hide it under the brick for you
0:02:27 > 0:02:29when you go in?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I take them off when it's in the house, cos it jingles.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34So do you put him out every time you leave the house?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- Yes, I do.- You do.- I do.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Are you not worried about burglars seeing the key
0:02:38 > 0:02:41around your cat's neck and then using him like a key ring
0:02:41 > 0:02:42and just...?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48No, no. No, cos he's...
0:02:48 > 0:02:49"This key's not working!"
0:02:51 > 0:02:54No, it's in a metal case, it looks almost like a whistle or something.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Oh, I see.- And you just pull it out and then inside there's a key.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Does he also wear one of those medallions with his address on it?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04No, he's got a chip, he's got a chip inside him.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05He's got a chip. Oh, yes, yes.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08He doesn't need anyone to bring him home with his address
0:03:08 > 0:03:11cos he can just come and go as he pleases with the key.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13When was the last time you had to use this method?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- About a fortnight ago. - What happened?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- I'd forgot my key. I left it inside. - What time?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21It was late at night and I'd just come back from the theatre.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23It was about 11 o'clock.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Oh, what were you seeing? Don't say Cats.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I'd seen Jez Butterworth's new play.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Can I just ask why you don't mortice lock your door?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- Modest?- Mortice.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- Let me interpret for my friend. - In my defence, I'm from Scotland.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38My friend is saying...
0:03:38 > 0:03:42HE MUMBLES QUICKLY IN A THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I don't know what a mortice lock is.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Well, you know the big lock? Aye, if you unlock the big lock
0:03:50 > 0:03:52and then you lock the... You unlock your Yale.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Well, no, he wouldn't be able to have a big key round his neck.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58You obviously aren't that security conscious
0:03:58 > 0:04:00if you've only got a Yale lock at all times.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01I've only got a Yale lock.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- DAVID:- I think if Sheila was that security conscious,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06she wouldn't tie her key to her cat.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09So two weeks ago, you went to the theatre
0:04:09 > 0:04:11and you got back at sort of half ten at night, 11 o'clock.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- Yeah.- What time do you get back from the theatre, usually about 11?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- About 11 yeah.- Just making a note of this, I'm going to rob you.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19All right, what are you going to say?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Lie.- You think it's a lie. - Lie. I'm going with Mark, lie.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- I think she's too sensible to do this, Sheila.- Yeah.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27OK, you're saying it's a lie. Sheila, truth or lie?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Well, it is...
0:04:30 > 0:04:31..a lie.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Yes, it's a lie.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Sheila doesn't keep a spare front door key on her cat's collar.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Anita, you're next.- OK.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46The day I moved into my new house, I caused the whole street to be
0:04:46 > 0:04:50shut down and my neighbours' homes to be evacuated.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52David.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53How did you cause that?
0:04:55 > 0:05:00Because we thought we'd found a grenade in the house.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03You thought you'd found a grenade?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- Yes.- Where did you think you'd found a grenade?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Please don't tell me it was round your cat's neck?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12It was our first day in our new house
0:05:12 > 0:05:15and we were cleaning in the kitchen.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Where did you find the grenade?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20On top of the cabinet, so it was kind of...
0:05:20 > 0:05:24So it was an old, really old kitchen with low cabinets
0:05:24 > 0:05:26and we thought we'd found a grenade.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28What did the grenade look like?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29A grenade?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32No, what? Describe it.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37Well, it was my husband that saw it first and he climbed up,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40came down the stepladder very quickly
0:05:40 > 0:05:43and said, "I think it's a grenade."
0:05:43 > 0:05:46What you've done there is not a description of a grenade.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52- So then I went to have a look... - Yes.- ..and quickly came back down
0:05:52 > 0:05:54and said, "Yeah, it looks like a grenade."
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- What did it look like? - OK, the only...
0:05:56 > 0:06:00It's what I imagine a grenade would look like, because...
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- That will do. - Because I've never seen one.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- My client does not want to answer any more questions.- Ah!
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Because I've never seen one in real life before.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- And then what did you do? - We called the police.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14So the policewoman came round to our house, and she did the same thing,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17she went up the stepladder, looked on top of the cabinet and
0:06:17 > 0:06:21said, "I think it's a grenade, better call Sarge."
0:06:21 > 0:06:23- So she phoned back... - What is that?- Sergeant.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Oh, sorry I thought you meant... - You know Sarge, yeah, Sarge.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28No, I thought Sarge sounds like a thing like Spectre, doesn't it?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Cobra.- Cobra, yeah, Cobra.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32You thought it was an acronym.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Yes, I... Yes, well done!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Can I just ask...?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41You don't expect that, so credit where it's due.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Did anybody ask whether the pin was still in the grenade?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48So, at this stage, we're still trying to find out what it is.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- So the policewoman has... - Has Sarge come yet?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Sarge, is that an acronym?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54No, it's not an acronym, it's a shortening of Sergeant.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56So then Sarge has turned up.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Thank goodness they didn't call for the constable.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07So sergeant's there.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10He walks in, does the same thing, up the stepladder,
0:07:10 > 0:07:14looks and goes, "OK, think it might be a grenade, we're in our..."
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- I'll have to call the inspector.- No.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22Then several hours later, the Prime Minister comes in...
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Nearly! At this point, he thinks, "I think it might be a grenade,"
0:07:25 > 0:07:28so he actually phones the bomb squad.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33So the bomb squad - really nice chap walks into the kitchen.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37He walked up the stepladder, looked at it,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39picked it up and went, "It's a lighter."
0:07:40 > 0:07:44He took the risk of going...first.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48They know, because they are the only people, let's be fair, who know
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- what a grenade looks like.- He turned round with his burned face,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53and went, "Finally one that is a lighter.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55"Argh, fifth time lucky!"
0:07:57 > 0:07:58That's why they do their job,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01because they know what a real grenade is and what a fake one is.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05So what are you thinking, is it the truth?
0:08:05 > 0:08:06What do you think, Sheila?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Oh, I'm puzzled by this one.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11There was a hesitation right at the very beginning
0:08:11 > 0:08:14while she tried to think up a story, I thought.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18I think it's true, because I like the detail of the policemen
0:08:18 > 0:08:20going up one by one and looking at it and thinking,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22"Oh, I'm not sure about this, I'd better get someone,"
0:08:22 > 0:08:25and it makes a lot of sense to me that people would pass
0:08:25 > 0:08:26the buck down the line. I think it's true.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Right, true, lie, true, lie...
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Ah, lie.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Anita, was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:08:33 > 0:08:34It was...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36..true!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Yes, it's true.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Our next round is called This Is My... where we bring on
0:08:44 > 0:08:48a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Now, this week each of David's team will claim it's them
0:08:50 > 0:08:52that has the genuine connection to the guest,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58So, please welcome this week's special guest, John.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08So, Sheila, what is John to you?
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Well, this is John and he disrupted a show I was in
0:09:12 > 0:09:15with an explosive attack of the hiccups.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Stephen, how do you know John?
0:09:18 > 0:09:23This is John, we once spent an hour hiding from a piece of rope
0:09:23 > 0:09:25because we thought it was a snake.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31And, finally, David, what's your relationship with John?
0:09:31 > 0:09:32This is John.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36I was the only person to attend his neighbourhood watch meeting...
0:09:38 > 0:09:41..so we spent ten minutes drawing a map of the road,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44then gave up and watched an episode of Knight Rider.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51So, there we have it. Lee's team, where to begin?
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- Shall we start with Sheila? - Yeah.- What was the show?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58It was a musical called Grey Gardens,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00which I did last year at Southwark Playhouse.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03It's a fringe theatre, so the audience are right on top of you
0:10:03 > 0:10:05and you can hear everything.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08And at the beginning, I could hear this person sort of
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- supressing something... - SHE GULPS
0:10:10 > 0:10:14..like that, and then there was a really quiet moment
0:10:14 > 0:10:17and he had the most terrible attack of hiccups.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18SHE HICCUPS
0:10:18 > 0:10:21It was just like as though he was choking almost.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- So, eventually, I... - You say... Sorry, "eventually"?
0:10:23 > 0:10:27You thought he was choking and you did something "eventually"?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- No, I knew he wasn't choking. - How did you know he wasn't choking?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- But he was making a choky type noise.- Oh, OK, all right.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35So I had a glass that was supposed to be whiskey,
0:10:35 > 0:10:39but was actually water, so I went over to him and I made him drink out
0:10:39 > 0:10:40the back of the glass.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I mean, the audience were applauding like mad.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43What was your character?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I was playing this old lady and it's a story of these two women,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49they were discovered surrounded by cats and animals.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- They were probably locked out. - Stanley!
0:10:54 > 0:11:00I'm curious as to how long it was before you stopped the show.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- I mean...- Well, I let it go on for about two, three minutes.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06And what were you doing at the time?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I was singing, I was trying to sing.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09- You were in the middle of a song?- Yes.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11What was the song, Sheila?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13So, I Love You, I Love You. It's a song that she sings
0:11:13 > 0:11:16to her daughter and it's a very poignant moment.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18But you can't do a poignant moment with someone going...
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- SHE HICCUPS - No, I'm kind of surprised.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22To be honest, I'm kind of surprised that John
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- didn't take it upon himself to leave the theatre.- Yeah.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27He was embarrassed, poor darling. He's stuck in this show.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29So you thought, you'll help him with his embarrassment...
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- I sort of did.- ..by making him drink upside down with a glass of water.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36No! The audience were getting really aggressive with him
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- as the...- What were they doing?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Well, they were going, "Shush, shush, shush," like that to him.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43But they must have known that it's an involuntary action
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- and he's not doing it deliberately. - No, but audiences are like that.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47It's in a lovely moment,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50they were enjoying the show and suddenly this idiot's going...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52SHE HICCUPS
0:11:52 > 0:11:54So they were going, "Shh!" And he's going...
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- HE HICCUPS - Shh, shh!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Are you sure it wasn't like the house version of the song?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Maybe it's bit more garage.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02# Shh, ah, shh, ah
0:12:02 > 0:12:04# Shh, shh, ah, ah. #
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Is that what you think house music sounds like?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10And, I quote, "Shh, shh, huh, huh,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12"shh, shh, huh, huh."
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I would say of all the genres of music,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18although house isn't close,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21it's the closest unless you can tell me what that is closer than.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25I would say it's a very experimental avant-garde...
0:12:26 > 0:12:31- ..East Berlin...- Philip Glass. - ..in the early '30s.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33I certainly wouldn't call it house music,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36in a desperate attempt to get down with the kids.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I don't think 1930s East German is actually a genre of music.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- I'm saying...- You've given me a decade and a country.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Yeah, in fact, you've also given a country that didn't exist
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- in the decade you've given.- Yes!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Well spotted! Well spotted!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53But you notice that Lee didn't spot it.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Right, who would you like to quiz next?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00We'll go with Stephen, shall we?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Just remind us, Stephen, just refresh our memories.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07This is John, we once spent an hour hiding from a piece of rope
0:13:07 > 0:13:08because we thought it was a snake.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Where were you?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13We were in California.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Right, and how do you know this gentleman?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- I'm related to him. - In what... How?- How?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Well, some of our relatives are, were, you know...
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- We're cousins.- You're cousins.- Yeah.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- OK, so you're in California.- Yeah.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- And what are you camping, are you? - We're camping.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- What age were you?- I was nine...
0:13:32 > 0:13:33- Nine?- ..teen.- Oh.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Who was camping?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- We were.- Just the two of you? - Just the two of you?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- Just the two of us, yeah. - Yellowstone?- No, no, no.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- Yosemite?- No.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43- Big Sur?- No.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Doesn't matter what type of snake it was.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50So, who spotted it first?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54We're in a tent, and I wake up and we're in the woods
0:13:54 > 0:13:55and it's California.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Oh, you're not at a camp site then, you're just going wild.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59- Not in a camp site, no.- OK.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02And I see a snake on the roof of the tent.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04So you saw the shadow, the silhouette.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07We saw a shadow of a snake. So I say to him, "I think there's a snake."
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- He says, "I think there is."- Yeah. - But it wasn't moving.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13But we watched it, because we thought maybe it was asleep.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15How long did you watch it for?
0:14:15 > 0:14:16- For about 40 minutes.- Right.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19And you were too scared to like try and sneak out the front way and run?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Well, we did come up with a plan.- Oh, OK.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Which was one of us was going to hit it and knock it away from the tent.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- Yeah.- And then it would fly away and then we'd dash out of the tent.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Hit it with your bare hand? - I think it was a pillow, actually.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32You took pillows camping?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Glamping.- Don't you?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- So one of us hit it. - Yeah, with the pillow?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41And the snake flew up in the air
0:14:41 > 0:14:44and then landed right back down on top of the tent.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- When it settled and it was still again...- Yeah.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48..you now know it's definitely not a live snake.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50No, we think it may have been stunned.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Which one of you hit it?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I'd be lying if I said I remembered.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Probably John who did it.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Probably...- HE STUTTERS:- ..John...
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Probably...John.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06I mean, it's not easy to remember blood relatives, is it?!
0:15:09 > 0:15:10So what happens next?
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- We decided one of us had to dash out of the tent...- Yeah.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16..and then see what the situation was.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17And who did that?
0:15:17 > 0:15:21And John very bravely said he would do it.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24So quietly we got out of our sleeping bags, and to get him
0:15:24 > 0:15:27a quick exit, I helped open the flap and he jumped out.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30And then he turned around and he went,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33"You won't believe this, it's a rope."
0:15:35 > 0:15:36OK.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Mark, you seem to find a potentially life-threatening situation
0:15:40 > 0:15:41rather amusing.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Can I ask Stephen, where had this rope come from?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51It was on the tent, it was just a rope on the tent.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Ropes on tents are really thin. They're not like...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- Very thin snake.- They've not got the girth of a snake.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57It wasn't a snake like that.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00No, I know, it was a piece of rope like that.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02How could you think that... The most you could think of is a worm.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Yeah, but also you've got to remember...
0:16:05 > 0:16:07"There's a worm! "Quick, get my pillow!"
0:16:07 > 0:16:10..it's also early morning, so the sun is just coming up,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- casting a long shadow. - Oh, yeah, I forgot
0:16:12 > 0:16:14snakes are lot thinner in the morning, aren't they?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17It was early morning, it'll be... They fatten up during the day.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19That's a little thin bit of rope, that's nothing like a snake.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Unless you'd have said the shadow had somehow made it
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- look like bigger.- That's what I'm saying, it's early morning.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- You didn't say that!- It's early morning, the sun is low.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- I said that.- He did say that, although...
0:16:28 > 0:16:30And made it look... I mean, you know.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Sometimes Lee doesn't totally listen to everything other people say.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35It is true, that is a fair point.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37OK, now what about David?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40David, so remind us again, David.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Erm...
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Oh, I can't remember.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47I was the only person to turn up at John's
0:16:47 > 0:16:50neighbourhood watch meeting and then gave up and watched an episode
0:16:50 > 0:16:51of Knight Rider.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53How well do you know your neighbour?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Not very well, but a bit.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58There'd been little, a sort of photocopied note had gone round
0:16:58 > 0:17:00about this meeting.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02A photocopied note?!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- It's e-mail these days.- But how do you know each other's e-mails
0:17:05 > 0:17:07before you start neighbourhood watch?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Well, they've not... They've started it, he's in it.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11No, but this is before, this is the first meeting, isn't it?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Yeah, it's the first meeting to set it up.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Oh, I do apologise, sorry, carry on. - Yeah.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Sorry, I must apologise about Rob. Sometimes he doesn't listen.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29And anyway, so between me and my wife,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32we decided that one of us should go
0:17:32 > 0:17:33and we thought that it, you know...
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- And she thought...- She thought... - ..it should be you.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40And it turned out I thought that, too.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47And it started off by drawing, you were drawing a map.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- Map of the street. - Yeah, well, then...
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Why were you drawing a map of the street?
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Because John wanted to explain, the area he thought the neighbourhood,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59this neighbourhood watch group should cover.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02How many houses away do you live from him?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Erm...
0:18:04 > 0:18:05He's...
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I think next door but four?
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Next door but four. So, let's say five houses away.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Cos that's a very weird way to describe...
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Next door but four!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I've never heard anyone say, "He lives next door but four."
0:18:17 > 0:18:19It just somehow doesn't work.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Next door but one, is the limit to how much you can use that.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24You can't just keep adding numbers on.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Go for it, I'm going for it.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29I'm going next door but 40,000, that's where the Queen lives.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Was Knight Rider on telly or did he have it on a DVD?
0:18:34 > 0:18:35He had it on a DVD.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38So I'm a massive fan of Knight Rider, I've got all of them.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Which one was this?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- Which what?- Which episode. You understand the question.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I don't remember the title of the episode.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47No, but what happened in the episode?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49What happened in the episode? I'd be interested to hear this.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Michael Knight...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Settle down, because this will be very interesting.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55..is driving along...
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- Michael Knight, that's a good start, Michael Knight.- Yeah, yes.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01As I remember, he's driving along in KITT, and he's driving
0:19:01 > 0:19:05absolutely on the speed limit, but not above the speed limit.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Even in your anecdotes, health and safety is important.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10It's important to the plot.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14He's driving at... And it says on the on KITT's digital dial,
0:19:14 > 0:19:1855mph, which is the speed limit in America.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20And the police pull him over.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23It turns out that he is driving over the speed limit,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27but there's something wrong with KITT, it's all askew.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Hang on, I'm just trying to remember the episode of Knight Rider
0:19:29 > 0:19:34where the story was about the speedometer being slightly broken.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37That's a coincidence, cos I'm trying to do the same thing.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41All right, we need an answer.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46So, Lee's team, is John Sheila's helpless hiccuper,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Stephen's cowardly companion,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51or David's Knight Riding neighbour?
0:19:51 > 0:19:52What do you think, Mark?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Er, I... There...
0:19:54 > 0:19:57It seems to me you can drive a bus through the holes
0:19:57 > 0:19:59in all three of them. I don't know.
0:19:59 > 0:20:04Stephen's snake, he had me until the pillow.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Yeah, I just don't think David, even though he's a really nice man,
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I just don't think he'd have the patience.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I'll have to pull you up on that.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Cos anyone else would just feel like,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- "Why don't we just go down the pub, mate?"- No, not David.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- Not David, no.- David's never ended a sentence with "mate."
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Mate, OK, fine! Fair enough.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Except when playing chess!
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Of course. Even for you, David, that was quite middle class.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Yes, I'll go, "Fair enough, you've won, mate."
0:20:36 > 0:20:39And what about Sheila? The fringe theatre with the hiccups.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42If I had the hiccups for two or three minutes, I would leave.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47- Yeah.- It's very difficult in those sort of theatres to get out.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- Yeah.- They were trapped. - They were trapped.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Well, but that's a fire and safety nightmare!
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Right, who's it going to be?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I think it's Sheila. What do you think, Mark?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- Ah, David.- Yeah. - You think it's David.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- Yeah, I mean possibly. - I think it's Stephen!- Oh...
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Lee Mack, make a decision. Be a captain.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Right, my decision, it's definite and it's clear
0:21:07 > 0:21:09and I'm not going back on it.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10- Anita, you are deciding.- Oh, God!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I originally thought Sheila, but I'm going to go with Stephen.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- You're going to go with Stephen. - Yeah.- What you doing, Mark?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- Stephen!- Stephen!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- Stephen, we're going to say Stephen. - You're saying it's Stephen.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I don't know why.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25John, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Hi, I'm John...
0:21:27 > 0:21:30..and Stephen and I hid from a piece of rope in a tent.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Yes, John is Stephen's cowardly companion.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Thank you very much, John.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with...
0:21:50 > 0:21:51It's Lee.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Oh, says "possession."
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Right, under the desk is a box, if you bring the box onto the desk.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Now, read the card first and then show us the possession.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07I recently took a crash course in taxidermy
0:22:07 > 0:22:10by the end of which, I'd managed to make this.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14OK, show us what "this" is.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Pop it onto the desk.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Right, David's team, where would you like to begin?
0:22:29 > 0:22:30What is it? I can't see it.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- Can we have a proper look? - Hold it up.
0:22:32 > 0:22:37That, Sheila, is what I call Mouse on a Skateboard.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- It's a mouse, is it? - Would you like me to take it across?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- Please do.- What's it made of? - Made of mouse.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- Oh, my God.- With a little bit of skateboard.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Oh, no!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Oh.- STEPHEN:- How was he killed? He looks like he was...
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I should point out that he wasn't killed.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54He was found dead naturally.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57It's like he was found walking down a very small alley.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01- Careful, took ages.- Oh.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04OK, first of all, how long was this course?
0:23:04 > 0:23:05This was the first course.
0:23:09 > 0:23:14The course is... Well, it takes place over about 16 weeks,
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- so four months. - A crash course that's....
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Taxidermy takes years to perfect, this is a crash course.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- And how often did you go? - It happens every week.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- Once a week.- For 16 weeks.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- That's not a crash course. - It is.- That's an evening class.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33No, not in relation to the proper course, to become
0:23:33 > 0:23:35a professional taxidermist, that takes four years.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Well, that goes on for 25 years and you meet once every six months?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40That takes four years or until the animal dies.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46How did you do that mouse?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Basically, we... I found a mouse.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Where?
0:23:50 > 0:23:51There, on the stair.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59And it had little clogs on.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03I found the mouse actually in the cage,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05which it was kept in because it was my child's pet.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07AUDIENCE SIGHS
0:24:07 > 0:24:09- And it was skateboarding? - No, it wasn't skateboarding.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10My son was a skateboarder,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13and that's why he wanted the mouse on the skateboard.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15What did you do with the mouse that you found?
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Well, the first thing I did was,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I had to break the news to my son
0:24:19 > 0:24:21and I said, "Your mouse is dead."
0:24:22 > 0:24:25So that was that covered and then, he said,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28"Oh, I don't want to lose him forever."
0:24:28 > 0:24:32And I said, "In that case, it's the crash course at the taxidermist."
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- So, wait a minute, the mouse dies.- Correct.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37You have a conversation with your son, "What are we going to do?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39"Let's stuff him. I know, I'll learn,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- "I won't get a professional animal stuffer."- Correct.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- And that's because...- I'll learn to do it, you ring up the course,
0:24:44 > 0:24:48they say, "There happens to be a 16-week course starting next week."
0:24:49 > 0:24:52How many people were on the course?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I would say there was 12, 14, something like that.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- 12.- There was 12.- 12.- 12.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Sorry, no, it was a disciples convention.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Talk me through them, what sort of people were they?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02There was Matthew, Mark, Luke...
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Oh, sorry, there was a guy called Thomas,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06he wasn't sure if he wanted to be there.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Tell us what you do.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11The first thing you've got to do is always check
0:25:11 > 0:25:13that the mouse is actually dead.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17So, sorry, it's always a... It's always a mouse?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20This course is just for mouse stuffers.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23No-one had anything else they were interested in.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- So everyone, all 12 of you turn up, sit down...- It was weird.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27..get your mouse out.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Well, it was be... You've got to remember that it's
0:25:30 > 0:25:33an introductory course. There was one guy, just one guy, Brian...
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- A good entry level stuffer. - ..turned up with a giraffe.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37He turned up with giraffe and he went,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39"You want the advanced course, mate,
0:25:39 > 0:25:40"cos we can't do this in 16 weeks.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43"Next door, the one that's got the, you know, the Velux windows."
0:25:45 > 0:25:46You can only stuff a giraffe
0:25:46 > 0:25:50if you've got Velux windows, that's the first thing you learn.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52What do you do, scoop the inside out?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Thank you. Someone finally interested in the art form.
0:25:55 > 0:26:00The first thing you've got to do is get rid of the inside of the mouse.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01- How?- How do you do that?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Good question, Sheila.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08You get a sharp blade and you make an incision from the back
0:26:08 > 0:26:11of the skull all the way down to the tail.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14So, what happens when you make that incision down the spine?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- Down the spine, yeah.- What happens?
0:26:16 > 0:26:20It can only be described as a very, very horrific pop-up book,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23because I opened it up...
0:26:24 > 0:26:27..and it's not a pretty sight.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33I would only describe it as sort of mouse spine like.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36And I went, "Oh," like that, and the fella said,
0:26:36 > 0:26:40"First rule of Get Stuffed taxidermy crash course..."
0:26:40 > 0:26:42He said... This is the interesting bit.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45He went, "Never ever open them from the back."
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Right, I learnt a lesson, I learnt a lesson.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52You've got to learn, haven't you?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54You've got to learn, you've got to learn.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- So what did you do? - Well, I got my needle and thread.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57So you stitched the mouse back up.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I had to stitch the mouse back up, get him back to how he was.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Turn him over, slice down the middle.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05And then what did you do?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07You have to... Effectively, there's no easy way of saying it,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I had to scrape out his insides.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- With what?- With the tools, the tools that they give you.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- What sort of tool is it? - Well, there's many, many tools.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19You know those weird things you get when you're trying to get the
0:27:19 > 0:27:21last bit of lobster out of the claw, it's like a little fork,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- it's got the...- It wouldn't work with a giraffe though, would it?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Oh, no, a giraffe...
0:27:26 > 0:27:28All you need for a giraffe is a spade and loads of bamboo.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34- OK, so you scoop out... - We learned that on day four.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36What do you put back in to give him that healthy...?
0:27:36 > 0:27:38You build individual fragments of bone shapes
0:27:38 > 0:27:40but of metal and glue them all together.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43It takes, ooh, 15 weeks on a Thursday night.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46What do you think, David?
0:27:47 > 0:27:50It sounds very plausible to me, but what does your team think?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Sheila, what do you think?
0:27:54 > 0:27:55- No, I think it's a lie. - You think it's a lie?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58I can't see why anyone wouldn't believe that.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03I don't think there's any level on which any of us believe that.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- It's a lie.- They're saying it's a lie. Lee...- Yeah.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08..is it the truth or is it a lie?
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Oh, I actually have to go through the thing of pressing the button?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Lie.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19BUZZER SOUNDS
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show
0:28:21 > 0:28:24and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by three points to one.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Thanks for watching, we'll see you next time, goodnight.