0:00:17 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28The show with barefaced lies
0:00:28 > 0:00:30and well-masked truths.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31On David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:31 > 0:00:34an actress who once worked as a children's clown.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37She went from huge feet to Cold Feet.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39It's Fay Ripley.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41APPLAUSE
0:00:41 > 0:00:43And a DJ whose radio show
0:00:43 > 0:00:46is aimed at young, hip and with-it people.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I would listen but it clashes with The Archers.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51It's Melvin Odoom.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:54And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:00:54 > 0:00:58a presenter who once competed for Wales in gymnastics.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01She literally bent over backwards for her country. It's Gabby Logan.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And a comedian whose first job was selling ice creams.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10I bet he made hundreds and thousands.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15It's James Acaster. APPLAUSE
0:01:15 > 0:01:17And we begin, as always, with Round 1, Home Truths,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19where our panellists each read out a statement
0:01:19 > 0:01:21from the card in front of them.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26they've no idea what they'll be faced with
0:01:26 > 0:01:27and it's up to the opposing team
0:01:27 > 0:01:30to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32James, you're first up.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36I once spent the night in a bush in Basingstoke.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38LAUGHTER
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- David's team.- Right.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- That's a true.- Yes! - LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Definitely.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- APPLAUSE - Definitely.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Why were you spending the night in a bush in Basingstoke?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53I missed my train.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Where do you live?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Well, at the time,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I lived in Kettering, in Northamptonshire,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- rose of the shires.- Mm-hmm. Why didn't you go to a luxury hotel?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Well, David, at the time,
0:02:03 > 0:02:07I had no money...in my wallet at all, and my phone was dead.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I had no way of contacting anyone.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- That certainly adds up. - Why a bush?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Why not a bench or, like,
0:02:14 > 0:02:15somewhere warmer than a bush?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- Well...- Is a bench warmer than a bush?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I would say a bush is warmer than a bench.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I would have thought a bench is definitely colder than a bush.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- It's more exposed. - There's an old saying,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26"You're warmer in a bush than on a bench."
0:02:26 > 0:02:29LAUGHTER
0:02:29 > 0:02:31So, where was the bush?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Paint the picture of the local area.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35It was right in front of the train station
0:02:35 > 0:02:39and there was, like, a little, like, pick-up point for taxis and stuff
0:02:39 > 0:02:41and then it went down a little bit to the road,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44and then right in front of the road, just a load of bushes.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47So you didn't look for a long time for a particularly comfy spot.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48I'll level with you, David.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51The amount of time it took me to decide to sleep in the bush
0:02:51 > 0:02:52was embarrassingly short.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- Right. - LAUGHTER
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Was it?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Now, that does surprise me.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00It was a quick decision.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02You missed your train, and you go, "Right, that's it,"
0:03:02 > 0:03:05and you immediately, like... 14 seconds later, you're snoring.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Well, I actually didn't get to sleep. It was scary.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I was freezing, actually,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12even though the bush...
0:03:12 > 0:03:13It was a nice, roomy bush.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Can you remember the shape of the leaves?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19LAUGHTER
0:03:19 > 0:03:21It was, like, small, little, Basingstoke leaves.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- Individual leaves.- Yeah.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Variegated?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29OK. You have to explain what that word means.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31LAUGHTER
0:03:31 > 0:03:33It means they're sort of...
0:03:33 > 0:03:35There's a sort of white bit on the outside, I think.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I wasn't paying attention to the leaves.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38I had bigger problems at the time.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I wasn't sitting in the bush going,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42"One day, I may have to justify
0:03:42 > 0:03:44"this entire experience on Would I Lie To You?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47"I'd better memorise the leaves and whether they're...
0:03:47 > 0:03:49"gentrified," or whatever you said.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:55APPLAUSE
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- So, James, you've settled down in the bush...- Yes.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00..and you're lying there, but it's cold.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- Oh, I'm sitting there. - Sitting in the bush.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Sitting there, crossed-legged and cold. I had a T-shirt on.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08How were you going to get to sleep sitting?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I was scared!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- So I... I hadn't really... - What were you scared of?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15It was Friday night in Basingstoke, there were hoodlums around.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- The... But...- And all you had on was a T-shirt.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- And jeans. - And jeans, of course.- Yes.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I still feel like the bench is warmer.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:29So, did anybody hear you in the bush, and come and investigate?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30At one point they did.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32At one point, some hoodlums stopped outside the bush.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35They said, "You know what we haven't done in a while?
0:04:35 > 0:04:36"We haven't...
0:04:36 > 0:04:38"We haven't beaten someone up in a while."
0:04:38 > 0:04:40LAUGHTER
0:04:40 > 0:04:41That's how they speak, David.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Bullies speak like that to each other
0:04:43 > 0:04:44and I was in the bush
0:04:44 > 0:04:46and at the time I was wearing a red dress.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49LAUGHTER What did you say? What?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I was wearing a dress by now.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53What? You said you were in a T-shirt.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Originally I was in a T-shirt and then I had to put a dress on.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57LAUGHTER
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Why did you put a dress on?
0:04:58 > 0:04:59- Why?- It was cold.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Where did you get a dress from?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- I had it in a bag.- Why?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08I was making a short film and I had to buy the wardrobe for the cast.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10You're in the bush,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12the hoodlums had moved on, they didn't beat you up.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I tricked them, I put the bag over my head.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17You seriously put the bag over your head?
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Yeah, put yourself in my shoes.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20They're saying they want to beat someone up.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23If they look down and see me wearing a dress,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- it'll be like Christmas. - LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:27So I put the bag over my head,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29and now if they look down, they'll think...
0:05:29 > 0:05:31"Someone's left a bag...
0:05:31 > 0:05:32- "and a dismembered body..."- Hang on.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- "..in a bush." - LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:38People at home, don't put bags on your heads.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- No, no.- Let's go back to the temperature of this bush now.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43LAUGHTER
0:05:43 > 0:05:45You said you went into the dress for warmth,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48but surely the jeans and T-shirt were warmer than a dress.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49There's a lot of ventilation.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I don't think... I think, to be fair...
0:05:51 > 0:05:54I don't think he took the jeans and T-shirt off.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Oh. Oh, it was...double. Double.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Yeah, he didn't slip out of the jeans and the T-shirt,
0:05:57 > 0:06:00fold them up nicely, at the time,
0:06:00 > 0:06:04and then get the dress and put it on and go, "Oh, I look wonderful."
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- LAUGHTER He wasn't doing that.- Oh, right.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09By the end of the night, he's wearing the jeans, the T-shirt,
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- the dress...- BOTH: And the bag.- Oh.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- LAUGHTER - May I just say...?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15It's lucky this didn't happen to Melvin because
0:06:15 > 0:06:17if so, he'd have been on a bench
0:06:17 > 0:06:18wearing a dress and nothing else.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:24APPLAUSE
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Let's go for a guess.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Is he telling the truth? Melvin, what do you think?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I think, looking at James, I can believe that he could
0:06:31 > 0:06:34put on a dress with a bag over his jeans and T-shirt,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37but a man that picks a bush over a bench, I can't trust.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39LAUGHTER
0:06:39 > 0:06:41So on that basis, it's a lie.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- Oh.- Fay.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- I've got to absolutely say it's true.- True?!
0:06:46 > 0:06:48I'm believing every element, really.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- I'm going to go true.- True.- Yeah.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52You're saying true. Right.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54James, was it true or was it a lie?
0:06:54 > 0:06:55It's...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- true.- Whoa.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01APPLAUSE
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Yes, it's true.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06James did once spend the night in a bush in Basingstoke.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- Melvin, you're next.- OK.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15At school, I used to regularly pay my friend to clean my rubbers.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19LAUGHTER
0:07:19 > 0:07:22You used to pay your friends to clean your rubbers.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24It was just one friend.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25How dirty can a rubber get?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Nobody cleans a rubber.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Oh, they get dirty, my friend. - Do they?- Oh, yes.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32What? Full of... What, just lead, mainly?
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Full of... Yeah, lead.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Don't you rub a dirty rubber against a clean piece of paper
0:07:35 > 0:07:37and it sort of cleans itself?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40No, what you're describing is the action of cleaning a rubber.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41That is how you clean a rubber.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Oh, I see, but you weren't even willing to do that.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45That's not the same as, "It cleans itself."
0:07:45 > 0:07:47That's like saying, "Why do you need to clean a car?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"You just wipe it all over and it cleans itself."
0:07:49 > 0:07:51LAUGHTER
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- APPLAUSE - OK.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Ten years.- What...? What is your...?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Ten years of this kind of bullying.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59LAUGHTER
0:07:59 > 0:08:01What was your friend's name?
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Um...
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- Ediz.- What?- What?- Ediz.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Ediz. It's a Turkish name.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07How old were you?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Like... It was primary school, so probably, like, ten.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13So ten years old, and why couldn't you have just done that action
0:08:13 > 0:08:15of just rubbing it against a blank piece of paper?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Well, he did it as, like, a service to everyone.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- How much did you pay him? - Like, a pound a rubber.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- A pound?!- A pound a rub? - A pound?- Yeah.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Why couldn't you have done it yourself? I'm confused.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Because it used to have, like, a nice smell when you had it back.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- Are you sure it wasn't Ediz? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- Where was this magical smell coming from?- Well, that's the thing.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- We didn't know until we got older. - See, if I was giving a man a rubber
0:08:34 > 0:08:36and he went away, and it came back and I went...
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- "That smells differently." - LAUGHTER
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I would say, "Why does it smell differently?"
0:08:41 > 0:08:42I wouldn't just leave it at that and go,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44"That's different, yeah, here's a pound."
0:08:44 > 0:08:46He just said he'd found out years later.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- He was using, like, car air freshener to spray it.- Ah.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51It was a great service.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53You were cool if you had a fresh rubber.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:58But how much would a new rubber have cost?
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Probably about 10p.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01LAUGHTER
0:09:01 > 0:09:03How many times did you pay him a pound to clean your rubber?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Like, it probably happened, like,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- once every two months or something like that.- What?!
0:09:07 > 0:09:08And this went on for how long?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- For ages. Like, for years. - Monthly thing, "I'll treat myself."
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- And he was doing it... - Yeah.- He was making quite...
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I'm going to get the rubber nicely cleaned and scented...
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- Yeah.- ..for the weekend.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Did Ediz clean any other stationery items?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Um, not that I can remember,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30but he used to do something else with stationery,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32but I can't remember what that was. He'd do...
0:09:32 > 0:09:35He didn't sharpen your pencils in a very interesting way, did he?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36LAUGHTER
0:09:36 > 0:09:39It was something like he would organise your pencil case
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- but I can't remember. - Organise your...?! Sorry.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- LAUGHTER - I can't remember now.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I'm picturing Ediz with a little suit and a briefcase.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49"Hello, guys, how are you doing? It's me again, it's Ediz.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52"I'm here to clean your rubbers or organise your pencils,"
0:09:52 > 0:09:54and you're in the corner going,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56"Oh, hang on, girls, I was chatting you up
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"but I want to sort out my pencil case. Just wait there.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00"Tell me some more, Ediz."
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Well, that's exactly where the economy's going, isn't it?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Nobody makes things any more, we just provide pointless services.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07"I'm a party planner!"
0:10:07 > 0:10:09"I'm a pencil case organiser!"
0:10:09 > 0:10:10"I shout on panel shows!"
0:10:10 > 0:10:12We used to make steel!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14LAUGHTER
0:10:14 > 0:10:19APPLAUSE
0:10:19 > 0:10:20What's it going to be?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- Oh.- Look, the thing is,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25during my one, which was true,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I started thinking it was a lie.
0:10:27 > 0:10:33LAUGHTER
0:10:33 > 0:10:34So, I don't...
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I haven't got a clue any more.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I actually kind of think it sounds true
0:10:38 > 0:10:40but then, for that reason, I want to say it's a lie.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER
0:10:42 > 0:10:43You've been a big help. Thank you.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:48APPLAUSE
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Gabby?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52My gut's saying, "True."
0:10:52 > 0:10:54- What's your gut saying? - Go on, let's go true.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56You're going to say true? Melvin?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- It is...- Was it true? GABBY:- A lie.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Or was it a lie?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01It is...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- true. - APPLAUSE
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Oh.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Our next round is called This Is My,
0:11:08 > 0:11:09where we bring on a mystery guest
0:11:09 > 0:11:12who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim
0:11:14 > 0:11:17it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:11:17 > 0:11:20and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22So, please, welcome this week's special guest -
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Mick. APPLAUSE
0:11:30 > 0:11:32So, Gabby, what is Mick to you?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34This is Mick
0:11:34 > 0:11:36and I deliberately tripped him up
0:11:36 > 0:11:38during the wheelbarrow race
0:11:38 > 0:11:40at my son's sports day.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43OK, James, how do you know Mick?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45This is Mick, and for six months
0:11:45 > 0:11:47he was my sworn enemy
0:11:47 > 0:11:49when a practical joke got out of hand.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51LAUGHTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:53And...finally, Lee.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54This is Mick.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57He's my son and I'm only allowed to see him every second Friday.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00LAUGHTER
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Sorry, no, that's not it.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05This is Mick.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09I once took him home from nursery instead of my own son.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11LAUGHTER
0:12:11 > 0:12:13So, there we have it.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Is Mick Gabby's cheated child,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17James' feuding friend
0:12:17 > 0:12:19or Lee's traded toddler?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21David's team, where would you like to begin?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Well, Gabby...
0:12:24 > 0:12:26the wheelbarrow race,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28you were also a competitor.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31What was the format of the race
0:12:31 > 0:12:32and how did the accident happen?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Your classic sports day wheelbarrow race.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Child is the wheelbarrow,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I was driving my son as a wheelbarrow
0:12:39 > 0:12:42and Mick's mum, Barbara, was driving him...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44and there's always...
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I feel our family gets a lot of pressure on sports day
0:12:46 > 0:12:48because my husband was an international rugby player
0:12:48 > 0:12:51and I did sport, and people always look at us as if,
0:12:51 > 0:12:52"They're the ones to beat."
0:12:52 > 0:12:55You know, I always feel that added dimension of competitiveness.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- You were a rhythm gymnastic, weren't you?- I was a gymnast.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Yeah, I think they're looking more at him. Carry on.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:06So we were in the lead, my son and I,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09and, you know, in, like, your peripheral vision,
0:13:09 > 0:13:11you can feel somebody coming,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13and as we got to the turn
0:13:13 > 0:13:14they were level with us,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17and my son's arm buckled and...
0:13:17 > 0:13:18- GASPS - No!
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- ..which, in a wheelbarrow race, is a bit of a no-no. That's...- Hmm.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25So it takes you a couple of seconds to recover. So now we're behind.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Quite painful for your son as well.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Perhaps that should be the main concern.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- LAUGHTER - Classic sports person.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33"That's a no-no! We NEED this!"
0:13:33 > 0:13:36LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:39So we got back level with them and I...
0:13:39 > 0:13:43I'm ashamed, obviously, about what happened next.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45So I can feel...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47You know, and these horrible thoughts coming into my mind.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50You know, "We could take him out." You know, we could...
0:13:50 > 0:13:51- LAUGHTER - Wow.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54"Come on, this is why we've been taking all the drugs!"
0:13:54 > 0:13:57LAUGHTER
0:13:57 > 0:13:59And basically, I stood on...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I stood on his hand, and so...
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- I know.- Blooming heck. Deliberately? - Don't judge!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:07 > 0:14:09You were thinking, "We should take him out."
0:14:09 > 0:14:11LAUGHTER
0:14:11 > 0:14:14So he then slightly buckled, so he then...
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- Which is a no-no. - LAUGHTER
0:14:16 > 0:14:18He got himself back into the race
0:14:18 > 0:14:20and I decided that I couldn't let us win
0:14:20 > 0:14:23because that could be construed, in some people's eyes, as cheating -
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- standing on the opposition's hands. - Yes.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28And in some people's eyes, physical assault.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31So I had to then sabotage us
0:14:31 > 0:14:32because I couldn't let us win.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34So I deliberately kind of
0:14:34 > 0:14:36pushed my son into the ground.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38So you assaulted two children?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I kind of just, you know, pretended to trip onto Reuben,
0:14:44 > 0:14:45and then his arms buckled...
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- Double buckle, which is a no-no-no...- No-no-no-no.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- LAUGHTER - And that meant...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- Reuben is your boy? - Yes! Oh, gosh, yeah.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- Sorry, yes, yeah. - You know, the one with...- Ah.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56You know, the one with the face like that.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:01All right, who would you like to speak to next?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04OK, James. So, Mick, became your sworn enemy
0:15:04 > 0:15:06because of a practical joke?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- That got out of hand! - That got out of hand.- Yes.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11So what was the practical joke or prank?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14First of all, I'll say for the record, before we carry on,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I hate this boy.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19LAUGHTER
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I've nothing but contempt for him
0:15:21 > 0:15:23and I'm furious he's got on this show.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25LAUGHTER
0:15:25 > 0:15:26How do you think I feel?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I can only see him every second Friday.
0:15:28 > 0:15:33LAUGHTER
0:15:33 > 0:15:34So what was the...?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36What was the practical joke, James?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38He put...
0:15:38 > 0:15:39cabbage leaves in my bed.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41How did he get in your room?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I was staying at his house.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45What, on a sleepover? How old are you?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:49It was a few years ago.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Yeah, well, he wouldn't have been born.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- LAUGHTER - He was... He was nine.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56And you were what, 31?
0:15:56 > 0:15:57LAUGHTER
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I was, what, 28, 29?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02And how do you know him?
0:16:02 > 0:16:03My...
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I know his dad. He's...
0:16:05 > 0:16:10- He's his son. - LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:12APPLAUSE
0:16:12 > 0:16:14So...
0:16:14 > 0:16:17And you were staying at their house.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Yes.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Why did he put cabbage leaves...?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Why is...? What is...? Why is that a thing?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- Well, it's not a thing until he started doing it.- Yeah.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27There's something severely wrong with him.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28I don't know why he started...
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- But you say...- ..pulling this kind of stunt.- "..started" doing it.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- Yeah.- Was he...? What...? What do you mean?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- This is one occasion when you're staying there.- Oh, is it?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- LAUGHTER - Well, I don't know, tell me.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40This is the first of many, David.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- So you... So... - I said, "Got out of hand."
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- I do not use those words lightly. - LAUGHTER
0:16:45 > 0:16:48So you regularly stay at the house of...
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Oh, no.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Oh, this little man...
0:16:51 > 0:16:54does not restrict these pranks to his own house.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57He has no respect for anyone's privacy
0:16:57 > 0:17:00and will cross any boundaries available to him.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- I hate him with all my heart. - Yes.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05LAUGHTER
0:17:05 > 0:17:06So...
0:17:06 > 0:17:10So, he initially put cabbage leaves in the bed you were sleeping in...
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- True!- ..when you were staying at his father's house.- Yes.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- Right. And then, SUBSEQUENTLY... - Yes.- ..he has followed you
0:17:18 > 0:17:21and put cabbage leaves in other places you've been sleeping.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22No.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24OK, what then?
0:17:24 > 0:17:25He sent me a cabbage in the post.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28LAUGHTER
0:17:28 > 0:17:33APPLAUSE
0:17:33 > 0:17:35He sent me half a cabbage,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37cling-filmed, in a box.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38I was out when they delivered it.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I had to go to the Post Office to pick it up.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44LAUGHTER
0:17:44 > 0:17:46There was a note inside that said,
0:17:46 > 0:17:48"You got cabbaged again!"
0:17:48 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Ah.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53So... OK, so he's doing that.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Did you...?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Bearing in mind that this is a minor, did you, at any...?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01It was a major, as far as I'm concerned.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03LAUGHTER
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Did you, at any point, retaliate?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Yeah, but it took me six months.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09What did you do?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12After six months of this...
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- I...- Well, when you say, "Six months of this,"
0:18:14 > 0:18:15what is "this"?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17There's the initial cabbage leaves in the bed at his house
0:18:17 > 0:18:19and there's the posted half cabbage.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- Yeah.- Anything else?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23His grandad cabbaged me to my face.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- LAUGHTER - What does that mean?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27He gave me a present, it was all wrapped up nice,
0:18:27 > 0:18:28I thought it was a nice present,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I unwrapped it, it was another half a cabbage wrapped in cling-film.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Members of the public started cabbaging me.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I made the mistake of talking about it on the radio
0:18:36 > 0:18:37and then everyone got the idea
0:18:37 > 0:18:40and I couldn't turn up to a gig without there being a cabbage
0:18:40 > 0:18:42hidden somewhere in my dressing room.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43LAUGHTER
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Well, thank God you're playing safe and not saying it on telly, eh?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER
0:18:49 > 0:18:51APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:53So, did you retaliate?
0:18:53 > 0:18:54I absolutely did.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I removed all of his belongings from his bedroom
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- and replaced them with cabbages. - LAUGHTER
0:19:00 > 0:19:01That's, I would say,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- a disproportionate response. - LAUGHTER
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Six months of my life, David.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Six months of my life of not knowing
0:19:07 > 0:19:10where the next cabbage was coming from. It was horrible.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I had to go big, I'd been cabbaged so many times,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14someone had started a Twitter account
0:19:14 > 0:19:16and was tweeting pictures of cabbages on me every day
0:19:16 > 0:19:19and saying stuff like, "Oi, oi, savoy." It was horrible.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21LAUGHTER
0:19:21 > 0:19:23And that was just the tip of the iceberg.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24AUDIENCE GROANS
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- No. It's a lettuce.- I know, I know! - It's a lettuce, you idiot!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I know, but come on, cut me some slack!
0:19:30 > 0:19:31- No, no.- You can't.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I would say that anyone who can enjoy that joke about a lettuce
0:19:34 > 0:19:36would have to be a sociopath.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38LAUGHTER
0:19:38 > 0:19:39All right, onto Lee.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Lee, remind us of your story.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45This is Mick. I once took him home from nursery instead of my own son.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Why did you not recognise your own son by using your eyes
0:19:48 > 0:19:50and knowing what he looks like?
0:19:50 > 0:19:51I...
0:19:51 > 0:19:53I do recognise my own son
0:19:53 > 0:19:56but we had this new pram and...
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I put him in the pram. He was very young at the time,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01cos, well, you have to, to go to nursery,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- and I put him in the pram. - A pram, at nursery?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- Not a pram, a push...- They're in a pram when they're sort of tiny.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08A pushchair. A pushchair! You make one mistake,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11you say lettuce instead of cabbage, they're on your back!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13You say pram instead of pushchair.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I get to see him every other week, I'm stressed!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18LAUGHTER
0:20:18 > 0:20:20I put him in the pushchair,
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and then I got chatting to all the other mums and dads and stuff,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26got chatting, turned round, little did I realise
0:20:26 > 0:20:28that one of the other parents had exactly the same pushchair
0:20:28 > 0:20:31and because he was asleep, I just didn't bother talking to him
0:20:31 > 0:20:34cos I thought he was asleep, pushed him and got all the way home.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Long walk as well, cos he goes to school in London
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- and we live in Aberdeen. - LAUGHTER
0:20:38 > 0:20:40When...? How long was it before you realised?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- Probably...Glasgow. - LAUGHTER
0:20:44 > 0:20:46It was about... Oh, it was... Believe it or not...
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Preferably, do.- Yeah, that's very much the question.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Believe it or not, it was as I went into the front door
0:20:51 > 0:20:53and I pushed him towards my wife,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55who was coming towards me,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59and she said, "That is not my son."
0:20:59 > 0:21:01But the other mother would have recognised her child.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Let's go to the other mother. - Let's go to the other mother, so...
0:21:04 > 0:21:05What happened there?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Obviously I'm not there to see the other mother because I'm at...
0:21:08 > 0:21:10No, but presumably in the police interview,
0:21:10 > 0:21:11you've gone through those details.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14No, I knew it would be a bit of a nerve-racking experience
0:21:14 > 0:21:16so I thought I'd better play safe and just keep him,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19and that's what we did, we just ended up bringing up another child.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21So I got into the house, pushed him into the house,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23my wife said, "That's not my son," so I went, "Oh!"
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I realised immediately what had happened, obviously.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I turned round and I raced back to the school very quickly,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31so I got in just in time for them to go, "What the...?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- "Aw, you..." And then... - So you'd got back...
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- You got back just in time. - Got back in time.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Just before Mick's mother was going to start screaming,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40"My child has disappeared, my child has disappeared."
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Yeah, because...
0:21:41 > 0:21:44No, because what had happened is she was getting a bit frantic
0:21:44 > 0:21:46but someone had calmed her down by doing the obvious
0:21:46 > 0:21:48and pointing to the child and saying,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50"Use your logic here, there's a child."
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Yeah, child abductors don't tend to leave a child as well.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54LAUGHTER
0:21:54 > 0:21:59So, David's team, is Mick Gabby's cheated child?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- Maybe.- James' feuding friend?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- Maybe.- Or Lee's traded toddler?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05No.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I think that the cabbages,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11that is a good trick
0:22:11 > 0:22:13cos cabbages, when they get warmed up, stink.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17I also have, you know, been to many a sports day
0:22:17 > 0:22:20where the parents do get incredibly competitive,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22but I would probably lean towards Gabby.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25What about you, Melvin? Which way are you leaning?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I believe Gabby but James is just weird,
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- so I believe him even more. - LAUGHTER
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Your paranoid view seems to be, "The whole country's in on it."
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Now everyone's sending you cabbages.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38Every time people laugh at me, I suspect they're my enemy, which...
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- makes my job very difficult. - LAUGHTER
0:22:41 > 0:22:45APPLAUSE
0:22:45 > 0:22:48You think Gabby, you think Gabby but James even more.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51And David thinks it's me, so...
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Oh, I don't know.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- James. - GABBY GASPS
0:22:56 > 0:22:59You're going for James? Mick...
0:22:59 > 0:23:01would you please reveal your true identity?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I'm Mick, and...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I am James' worst enemy.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08LAUGHTER
0:23:08 > 0:23:12APPLAUSE
0:23:17 > 0:23:24Yes, Mick is James' feuding friend and here's the proof.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26That... LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:30That is what James did to Mick's bedroom.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33LAUGHTER Thank you very much, Mick.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies,
0:23:41 > 0:23:42and we start with...
0:23:42 > 0:23:45It's David.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I recently ended up in A&E
0:23:48 > 0:23:51after attempting to use a sledgehammer to crack a nut.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53LAUGHTER
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- Lee's team.- Right, first of all, what type of nut was it?
0:23:56 > 0:23:57- A walnut.- Of course.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58A walnut.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Did you use the floor or the wall?
0:24:00 > 0:24:01LAUGHTER
0:24:01 > 0:24:04I used...a bit of kitchen surface.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06What is your work surface made from?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Er, er... Well, at home...?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11No, no, no, in your shed.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER
0:24:12 > 0:24:15What is your kitchen work surface made from in your kitchen?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17It's a sort of... It's... I've... It's...
0:24:17 > 0:24:19- I don't really know.- OK.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Why did you have a sledgehammer in the kitchen?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Well, it was...
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- Ah. - LAUGHTER
0:24:25 > 0:24:27I didn't.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Oh.- This... - Ah.- So, it's not true.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- This didn't happen... - Oh, OK.- At all. So easy.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36LAUGHTER
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Wow, we broke him quickly tonight, didn't we?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40No, this didn't happen at my house.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Where did it happen? - At my parents' house.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45So why were you trying to describe your house
0:24:45 > 0:24:47when you were talking about the work surface?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Because he kept asking me about my own work surface...
0:24:49 > 0:24:52and I'm just trying to be as helpful as possible.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53OK, can you describe...?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Can you tell us the colour of the kitchen surface
0:24:55 > 0:24:57in your parents' house?
0:24:57 > 0:24:58- Brown.- Brown.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- Was it wood? Is it a wooden...?- No.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Did it look like a tree, but flat?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04LAUGHTER
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I don't know what it's made of but it's...
0:25:07 > 0:25:08- Is it Formica?- Might be.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Formica. - Might be Formica.- Wooden Formica.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- Formica.- Your parents have got wooden Formica table tops.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17I think so.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Why don't you use your television money and treat them, you tight git?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:25APPLAUSE
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- So, there's a walnut in your parents' house.- Yeah, there is.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31You, for whatever reason, maybe hunger, want to open it.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- Yeah, yeah.- There's a sledgehammer.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Why is the sledgehammer in your mum and dad's...?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Apart from the fact they knew you were coming round.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I... I had to go and find the sledgehammer.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- Where was it, in the end? - It was in the garage.- Right.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- We couldn't find any nutcrackers. - Well, your parents...
0:25:44 > 0:25:47You say "we" - your parents were witnessing this?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Yes, I wasn't on my own in my parents' house
0:25:49 > 0:25:51smashing away at my hand like a maniac.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52LAUGHTER
0:25:52 > 0:25:55It seems to me that, on the evolutionary scale
0:25:55 > 0:25:58between nutcracker and sledgehammer,
0:25:58 > 0:26:02there are some other things you might find lying about the house.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- I wouldn't...- A man's shoe.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Well, and three shattered iPads later, I found the sledgehammer.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10LAUGHTER
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Who was there by the way, in this...? Who was witnessing this?
0:26:13 > 0:26:17There were... My parents were there, my brother, his wife, my wife.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Peter Gabriel. - LAUGHTER
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- David's not going to get that joke. - APPLAUSE
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Do you want me to explain or are you all right with that, David?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- I can be your sledgehammer.- Oh, sledgehammer! Oh, yes, very good.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Sorry, I'll rephrase that. Rob and David aren't going to get this joke.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33LAUGHTER
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I... I have no idea but there wasn't anyone called Peter Gabriel.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38LAUGHTER
0:26:38 > 0:26:41OK, now we know that this story ends with you in Accident & Emergency.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Yes, yes, yes.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44How did that happen?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Well, I got the... I'd been...
0:26:46 > 0:26:49I'd cracked a few nuts with this sledgehammer
0:26:49 > 0:26:51and then maybe I got a bit cocky.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- Oh.- And, I...
0:26:53 > 0:26:56you know, and I'd left my thumb in the way.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Oh, no!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00And it was...
0:27:00 > 0:27:01It was carnage.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Sorry, there's a really...
0:27:03 > 0:27:04The thumb, can we have a look?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- All right.- When was this, before we look? This Christmas just gone?
0:27:09 > 0:27:10It was this Christmas, yes.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13So it should look pretty bad, this thumb, shouldn't it?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Well, actually...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17What was the...? What happened...? Was it?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20You'll find there's absolutely no visible scarring
0:27:20 > 0:27:22and neither is there on that one.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25What a credit to our National Health Service, ladies and gentlemen.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26LAUGHTER
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- Everyone was absolutely marvellous. - It's weird cos he...
0:27:29 > 0:27:31One might almost say miraculous.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Did they say any bones were broken in your thumb?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36They X-rayed it,
0:27:36 > 0:27:37and fortunately not.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39They said, "In a few months,
0:27:39 > 0:27:41"you won't be able to tell this has happened."
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- LAUGHTER - Of course. Of course.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47- LAUGHTER - Hey, hey. David, they were right.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- They were spot-on.- All right, what are you thinking, Lee?
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Has this been the truth or has he made it up?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55There's... There's bits of it that...
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Well, the bits that are true are that he's got thumbs, Gabby.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59LAUGHTER
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I believed everything until we looked at his thumbs.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04- And there's nothing there. - And then I was like,
0:28:04 > 0:28:07"That man not only has not hit himself in the thumb
0:28:07 > 0:28:09"with a sledgehammer,
0:28:09 > 0:28:11"but I don't think he's picked up anything in weeks."
0:28:11 > 0:28:14LAUGHTER
0:28:14 > 0:28:17APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:22- You think lie, don't you? - I would say that it's a lie.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23You're saying it's a lie.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25David, truth or lie?
0:28:25 > 0:28:26It is...
0:28:26 > 0:28:30- a lie. - APPLAUSE
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Yes, it's a lie.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show
0:28:35 > 0:28:37and I can reveal that it's a draw.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39APPLAUSE
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Thank you for watching. See you next time. Goodnight.