0:00:18 > 0:00:20APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Good evening, and welcome to 'Would I Lie To You?',
0:00:25 > 0:00:29the show with naked truths and well-dressed lies.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32On David Mitchell's team tonight, from Loose Women, a singer
0:00:32 > 0:00:37who came third on The X Factor and went on to make an absolute fortune
0:00:37 > 0:00:39for Simon Cowell, it's Stacey Solomon.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43APPLAUSE
0:00:43 > 0:00:46And here to grab tonight's show firmly by the consonant, vowel,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50consonant, consonant, from Countdown, it's Susie Dent.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:59And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a man who cried when he won Strictly.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03I did, too - I had a tenner on Ed Balls. It's Ore Oduba!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:12And a comedian who in 1993 starred in The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer,
0:01:12 > 0:01:14These days, that smell, of course,
0:01:14 > 0:01:17is a mixture of Werther's Originals and gin - it's Bob Mortimer.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19APPLAUSE
0:01:22 > 0:01:25And we begin as always with Round One, Home Truths,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28where our panellists each read out a statement from the card
0:01:28 > 0:01:30in front of them. Now, to make things harder, they've never seen
0:01:30 > 0:01:33the card before - they've no idea what they'll be faced with,
0:01:33 > 0:01:37and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Susie, you're first up.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41OK.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44My dad once broke my leg
0:01:44 > 0:01:47during a particularly vigorous bout of gargalesis.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Lee, I can guess your first question.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57So, what does the word "dad" mean?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- So, well, go on, what is gargalesis? - Gargalesis.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Gargalesis is very heavy tickling.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Ah.- Oh. - Did you call it roughhousing?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12We used to call it roughhousing, as well as gargalesis, obviously.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13- You called it roughhousing? - Yeah.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16That's like where I used to live.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Talk us through the incident, then. How did it happen?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Well, I don't like tickling at all. The heavy kind.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Well, you wouldn't now, would you?
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Or the light kind, which is called knismesis.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33- It's called what? - Knismesis.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Did you just say the same word backwards?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39It did that weird thing - "knismesis".
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Anyway, gargalesis is the really heavy, heavy kind, and...
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Are you...? Sorry, did your family make these words up for fun,
0:02:45 > 0:02:46or are these actual words in the dictionary?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- These are actual words, yeah. - Oh, OK.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- In the dictionary. - So, there he was...
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- So there he was. - Your dad was tickling you - where?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56On the landing.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01APPLAUSE
0:03:01 > 0:03:02How old were you, Susie?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- I was seven. - Seven years of age.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Seven, and how old was your dad at this time?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09My dad would have been... Oh, I don't know.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Oh, I forgot, you do the words, not the maths, don't you?
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Yeah, good point.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Do you want to phone Rachel and get back to me?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21And so I, just because I absolutely hate tickling,
0:03:21 > 0:03:25was desperate to get away, and went to move off,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28and in doing so, kind of left my leg behind.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Which leg was it, Susie?
0:03:30 > 0:03:35It was my left leg, and it's still ever so slightly crooked.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- Is it?- Yeah.- You were tapping your right leg before, I'm sure.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42- Yes, that's what I remember. - Oh, was I? No, it was my left leg.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45So what do you think, Lee? Is that the truth?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47This is what might have happened - they might have given her a card
0:03:47 > 0:03:49with a word on, knowing she's a wordsmith,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52and then she's gone, "Right, I'd better give a meaning to this word,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- "quickly - I'll say tickling." - Well, I'll tell you what -
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- because Susie was coming on the show we have got a dictionary.- Ah!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Ah!- So...- And is this cheating? Are we allowed to do this?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I'm allowed to do whatever I want.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Susie, would you spell it for me? It's the wrong way up.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER Would you spell it for me, please?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Good job you put those glasses on.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18AS RONNIE CORBETT: Ah-ha-ha, I'll never forget the day. There we are.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24APPLAUSE
0:04:24 > 0:04:26How do you spell it?
0:04:26 > 0:04:27G-A...
0:04:27 > 0:04:29G... Right, give me a minute.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- ..R-G... - G-A-R-G.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- ..A-L... - G-A-R-A-L?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- G-A-R-G-A-L... - I've got G... What? Would you...?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- Let me say, "I've got G-A-R," and then...- OK. Right.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Oh, my God, it's like trying to get my dad to write an e-mail.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45APPLAUSE
0:04:47 > 0:04:50No, there it... It's not... It's seriously not in here.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55G-A-R - it goes from garfish to garganey, which is a small duck.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- Oh, yeah.- OK, so we've got a problem here, haven't we?- Mm.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Because we've found out that the word doesn't exist.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- You said G-A-R-G-A-L. - It's a small dictionary.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06It's not a small dictionary, it's huge!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- So, what's it going to be? - I am totally confused on this one.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- I'm lie now, I think. - You're a lie now?
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- Yeah.- Why?- Well, based on the wrong leg, the strange word,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17two strange words - not for me.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- So we say lie. - You're saying lie.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- Well, for me, Lee, yeah. - It's a lie?- For me, lie.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- We're going lie. - It's a lie. Susie, truth or lie?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28It is in fact...
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- ..true. - Ah!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37So there we are, it's true, Susie did once break her leg
0:05:37 > 0:05:39after her dad tickled her.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- Bob, you're up next. - Ooh!
0:05:44 > 0:05:47For the past 15 years,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I have performed my own dentistry.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:55 > 0:05:57David's team.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- So... - Give us a big grin.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04It could be true.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10No, you're implying I'm a bad dentist.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14No, because even very, very, very good dentists sometimes
0:06:14 > 0:06:18get someone else to do their teeth.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Ah, right.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24And by "sometimes", I of course mean "always".
0:06:24 > 0:06:27How do you do that? Like, do you...?
0:06:27 > 0:06:28- What do you do? - Yeah.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33Well, no, the, the key to it is I... I don't... I don't do extractions.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35I haven't had to... I haven't had a...
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- Fillings?- I do fillings.- Caps?
0:06:37 > 0:06:43I do fillings, crown replacements. I repair bridges, I...
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Specifically, I don't do - so don't ask, Stacey - I don't do implants.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- Ah. - And I don't do root canal.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Do you drill? - I do have a drill I use, yes.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59You have to, to do a filling, you've got to drill it out first
0:06:59 > 0:07:00- haven't you? - Exactly, yeah, yeah.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- Do you use local anaesthetic? - No, no need.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03- STACEY GASPS - No need?- No need.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Why, because it's not true?
0:07:07 > 0:07:12The situation in my mouth is I have one very long piece of teeth.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14That white bit there, that's all one piece, yeah?
0:07:14 > 0:07:19- What?- It's one, one...- One tooth? - Well, that... One piece.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- But... - Made to look like many teeth.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Oh, I see, so it... That's false teeth.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26- Yes. - OK.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Either end of this, I have two what you call crowns, yeah?
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Right at the end. At the bottom, I have my own teeth here,
0:07:33 > 0:07:37as my dentist says, my bottom ones are poppadum colour, yeah?
0:07:37 > 0:07:41And my top ones are pilau rice.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- So who said that? - My dentist.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47- So this was some time ago? - No, no, no, I pre...
0:07:47 > 0:07:48- David... - 15 years.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- I do... I perform my own dentistry...- Yes.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- There's no exclusivity there. - You still have a dentist.- Yes.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58But you just don't... You don't let him do all the stuff.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- Yes.- Why is your mouth in such a state?
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Because I used to... I used to have 17 sugars in a cup of coffee or tea.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07VARIOUS GASPS
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- 17?! - 17, yeah.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- 17 in a mug? - Yes.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13If I had 18, it's too sweet for me, so...
0:08:13 > 0:08:16LAUGHTER
0:08:16 > 0:08:20So the crowns would come off, I'd go to the dentist, yeah?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24He'd charge me 300, 400 quid to put them back in, and it's outrageous
0:08:24 > 0:08:29and I heard this magic word, I heard him say to his dental nurse,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Fuji 9.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36OK, Fuji 9, and I became aware that this Fuji 9 -
0:08:36 > 0:08:40it's actually a luting cement, which means you can use it...
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Are you sure he wasn't halfway through a Japanese football result?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47You can actually use it... Mixed 1:1, the liquid
0:08:47 > 0:08:51and the powder, it's a cement, yeah? Mixed two part liquid...
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- Yeah?- ..then it becomes more malleable, for fillings.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59I found a way via my TV work to get hold of some Fuji 9.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Once you have Fuji 9...
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- Why couldn't you use...? - ..you are a dentist. No, you are!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07So what equipment do you have, then?
0:09:07 > 0:09:13All I have is my Fuji 9 with its little orange spoon,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15with a bigger end and a littler end.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17For the different amounts depending on whether you want
0:09:17 > 0:09:19the 50:50 or the 2:1.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24That's Fuji 9! It's all done for you. It's done for you.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- APPLAUSE - It's magic. It's magic. It's magic.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- It's like, your...- The cement is softer than your teeth, yeah?
0:09:30 > 0:09:35So I have a leather-maker's drill, yeah? For...
0:09:35 > 0:09:36LAUGHTER
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- A leather-maker's drill? - Yes, a leather-maker's drill,
0:09:40 > 0:09:45because that has sanding fitments to grind it down.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48You've got to check your bite after you fit. If you've fixed
0:09:48 > 0:09:50a crown, if you get it a bit wonky, your bite won't be right.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53So you have to file the Fuji down to,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- "Oh, that bite's nice, now. That's nice."- OK, but you...
0:09:56 > 0:09:58That's true. The other thing you've got to check after doing your own
0:09:58 > 0:10:01dentistry is your mental health.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Do you not need one of those special lights?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Kitchen island. I've got a kitchen island.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- It's nice to have a kitchen island, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11And it has a big... It's the only place with a big light over it.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16So my son has a PlayStation seat that's very low back,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- like that, so I put... - PlayStation seat?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- Yeah, it's a gamer's seat.- Yeah. - And I put that on the kitchen...
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Island.- ..island. - ON the kitchen island?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- You put it ON the island? - Yeah.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27So you're up high on the island.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Yes, because, well, then that then puts the lamp about there.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- So you're in a PlayStation gamer's seat...- Yes.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36..balancing on... What's the surface of the kitchen island?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Do you know? I think it's Corian. It's very nice.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Corian was originally what was used for autopsy surfaces,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- again, so...- Are you doing your own autopsies at home as well?
0:10:46 > 0:10:50"Bob, the dog's dead!" "Bring it in, bring it in."
0:10:51 > 0:10:53So if I was to say this,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56the hardest thing is somewhere to hold the mirror.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59I think the hardest thing is to sell the story, Bob.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05I have the most curved Indian instrument, called the sumashi,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08or something, and if I put it next to me
0:11:08 > 0:11:11on my gaming thing, the curve of it, it's like a flute thing.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14The curve of it goes there, and I can put my mirror there
0:11:14 > 0:11:18like that, got the light there, game thing, and...
0:11:18 > 0:11:21LAUGHTER
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Sorry, you... You hang the mirror
0:11:22 > 0:11:26on the end of a curvaceous Indian musical instrument?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- Yes. - Well, this is very specific.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32So, what's it going to be?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- I mean, there's a lot of detail. - Yeah.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39If he was trying to make this story plausible, why would he say,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41"The way I set up the mirror is that
0:11:41 > 0:11:43"I tie it to the end of an Indian musical instrument"?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Sorry, do you remember Bob being on this show before?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Yes, and it's always true!
0:11:50 > 0:11:54It was true about the masks in Castle Douglas, it was true
0:11:54 > 0:11:59about him being able to tear an apple apart with his bare hands.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01It was true about the game in the gardens!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Well, look, whether or not it's true, and we don't know yet,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07don't try it at home, I should say that.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- Do you ever do extractions, Bob? - I've never done an extraction.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Cos I genuinely had an extraction yesterday, look.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17- Can you see that there? - Ooh, they've not used Fuji!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20APPLAUSE
0:12:22 > 0:12:24All right, so, what's it going to be?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- I think it's true. - You think it's what?!
0:12:26 > 0:12:27I think it's true!
0:12:29 > 0:12:34So, Bob, is it the truth, or is it a lie?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36It is...
0:12:36 > 0:12:37..true!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40GASPS, APPLAUSE, CHEERING
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:12:47 > 0:12:49who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them
0:12:52 > 0:12:55that has the genuine connection to the guest,
0:12:55 > 0:12:57and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00So, please welcome this week's special guest, John.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02APPLAUSE
0:13:08 > 0:13:12So, Susie, what is John to you?
0:13:12 > 0:13:18This is John. He came to my rescue when I once got stuck in a tree.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Stacey, perhaps you'd like to explain how you know John.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23This is John, and he once booked me
0:13:23 > 0:13:25to sing Happy Birthday to his tortoise.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32And finally, David, what is your relationship with John?
0:13:32 > 0:13:37This is John. He's the locksmith who came to rescue my locksmith
0:13:37 > 0:13:40after that locksmith got locked out of his van.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Lee, where do you want to start?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- Susie, what were you doing up the tree?- Well, I was...
0:13:48 > 0:13:51I presume escaping your dad's tickles.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53I was rowing.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Rowing in a tree?
0:13:54 > 0:13:59No, in a boat on my own for one of the very first times,
0:13:59 > 0:14:04cos I'd always been out with John, who was my rowing coach,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08and when you're rowing, of course, you have to steer backwards
0:14:08 > 0:14:12and I steered straight into a tree, and it was a tree that was
0:14:12 > 0:14:17overhanging the river, and I got my rowing jersey...
0:14:17 > 0:14:18We'll call it a life jacket.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21No, well I didn't have a life jacket, it was just a rowing jersey.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22- A rowing jersey? - Yeah.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Did you have any sort of life saver on?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- No.- Oh. - Oh, dear, dear, dear.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29No, but I can swim.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Well, I'll tell you what, if he really is your coach then,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35once this is over I'll be having a pretty stern word with him.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38What, so a little bit of branch snagged your top?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Yeah, but then it just dragged me into this labyrinth of branches.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46- Labyrinth?- Oh, so now you're lost in the branches?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48So what happened?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51John saw me, and then John is a very tough coach.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Quite quiet, isn't he? - It's tough love, and...
0:14:53 > 0:14:57He's quite quiet, yes, but this is...
0:14:57 > 0:15:00LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:05He was shouting instructions as to how to get myself out,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- but I was in such a dither... - Really?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10..and so he walked a little bit down the bank towards me,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12continued to shout and, somehow I...
0:15:12 > 0:15:15..I think I took my jersey off, actually, and then...
0:15:15 > 0:15:17It's not a very memorable story, that, is it?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I came back with one oar, with one oar.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Which one? I suppose either oar.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:15:26 > 0:15:30That's one for the Countdown crowd!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Susie, how fast were you going down this river? Because...
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Really not very fast at all. But I just didn't steer properly,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38and I still have a little scar under my eye where I...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- So you cut yourself there under the eye?- Yeah.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Wow, did you have to go and get any surgery?
0:15:41 > 0:15:46Did you go round to Bob's for his Bob Mortimer's Eye Surgery?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- No, I... - No, that would be Fuji 6.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52No, it's for grafting. Yeah.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54OK, Lee, who would you like to question next?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- OK, Stacey. - Yes.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Remind us again, sorry.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02John booked me to sing Happy Birthday for his tortoise.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Right. And was it the tortoise's birthday?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Yes. Why would I be singing Happy Birthday for the tortoise
0:16:07 > 0:16:09if it wasn't his birthday?
0:16:09 > 0:16:13My dad randomly met John, and my dad, being the crazy man that he is,
0:16:13 > 0:16:17he makes immediate friendships with people, and John had mentioned
0:16:17 > 0:16:21that his tortoise, Derek, was turning 60, and that he was
0:16:21 > 0:16:22- a big fan. - 60?!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- How old? 60?- I know, I thought tortoises lived to, like, 100,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28so I didn't think it was a big deal for it to be 60.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32But he said that the tortoise was a big fan of mine,
0:16:32 > 0:16:35and that he really wanted me to sing it, and my dad was like,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37"You've got to start giving back to the community
0:16:37 > 0:16:39"and doing nice things," so...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Were you booked professionally? Were you paid?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- I was paid.- You weren't? - I was paid!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48That's your dad's version of giving back to the community!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Is this before X Factor or after?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55It was only about a year ago.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59What was the party like?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01What was it? You arrived at the house - what happened?
0:17:01 > 0:17:07I arrived there about 3:30, and Derek was pottering around
0:17:07 > 0:17:11in the garden, happy as can be and, and, yeah, there must have been
0:17:11 > 0:17:14about ten other people. He's not a popular tortoise.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Who were these people?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17They were John's friends.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- John's got friends? - Yeah!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Whoa!
0:17:25 > 0:17:29That was the worst look I've ever been given on this show.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30And did you sing...?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Did you sing unaccompanied, or was there some musical backing?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36There was a conversation about doing it, like, Marilyn Monroe style,
0:17:36 > 0:17:40but I didn't feel comfortable doing it like that.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Would you sing it now for us?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44If you did want to sing it...
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Oh, good, you've brought the tortoise's head.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Would you like to? You could imagine David is the tortoise if you like.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- OK.- He could just sit there and look at you.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59LAUGHTER
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Derek.- I'm the tortoise? - Yes, you can be.- OK.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05But he was a bit happier. It was his birthday.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10APPLAUSE
0:18:16 > 0:18:17It's me!
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Did you just say, "It's me?" - "It's me!" Derek was...
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Do you think he recognised you, the tortoise?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- Derek's my biggest fan. - "It's me, from X Factor!"
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- It's... - SHE SUCCUMBS TO LAUGHTER
0:18:31 > 0:18:32SHE CLEARS THROAT
0:18:32 > 0:18:36# Happy birthday to you, Derek
0:18:38 > 0:18:40# Happy birthday to you... #
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Come on, Derek.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Yeah, it was a lot like that, it was a lot like that.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Sorry, have you forgot the words?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54No, I just... I feel like this substitute for Derek
0:18:54 > 0:18:59is really not appreciating what I'm doing, and I don't want to continue.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Excuse me, I take acting very seriously,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06and I'm immersing myself in the role of a 60-year-old tortoise,
0:19:06 > 0:19:10and I believe this is how the tortoise will have behaved.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12But I'm telling you, I'm there.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14If you're telling me the tortoise was jumping up and wagging its tail,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17then I'm sorry, I think we've left the bounds of credibility.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18I was there!
0:19:19 > 0:19:23All right, what about David? Remind us of your statement.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Yes, this is John, he's the locksmith that
0:19:26 > 0:19:30came to help my locksmith when my locksmith, that locksmith,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32had locked himself out of his van.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34OK, so, first of all, why did you employ a locksmith?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Because I couldn't get into my house.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- All right. - Erm...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Because?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45And it was an issue with the lock.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- What was the issue with the lock? - My key had broken in half.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51- In the lock? - In the lock.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- You were locked... You're now locked out.- Yeah.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55So, first of all, what do you do next?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- I rang my wife. - Right.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02So you had your mobile, you phone your wife, and you said,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04"Are you still doing the locksmith stuff, love?"
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I said, "I... I'm..."
0:20:06 > 0:20:09"I'm on a job, Dave, I'm on a job. I'll be round as soon as I can."
0:20:09 > 0:20:10I said...
0:20:10 > 0:20:13"I can come round Friday, maybe Saturday, but I can't promise."
0:20:13 > 0:20:19I said, "The key has snapped off in the lock. I believe, darling,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22"that you have the number of a locksmith in the area, don't you?"
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- So you call your wife...- Yeah. - ..she gives you the number,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28you phone a locksmith, so who was this first locksmith?
0:20:28 > 0:20:29- What was his name? - Andrew.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- Andrew. - Andrew the locksmith.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Your classic locksmith name, yeah.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- Yeah. Andrew turned up, assessed the situation...- Right.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38..and said, "There'll be no problem, we'll just need to drill out
0:20:38 > 0:20:41"the lock and replace it," and then went back to his van,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- and lo and behold... - What?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47..he'd left the key in it, and he couldn't get in.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Wow. Now, I'm taking it he's got your wife's number as well.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Right, so when Andrew came, how did he know that that little bit
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- of key had broken off in the lock? Did you tell him?- Well, yes.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- Yeah, did you do it...? - I thought I'd give him a clue!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I didn't say, "Oh, I'll tell you what, I'll let you work this out
0:21:07 > 0:21:09"for yourself, I'm not going to show the broken off end of key,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12"you try and get in".
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- How did he examine it?- "Now you try and get in your own van!"
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I did the whole thing to make Andrew seem like a failure.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24"What are you? You can gain admittance nowhere!"
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Who do you phone next? What happens next?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- I didn't phone.- Did...? - Andrew phoned.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30You almost looked at him, then, didn't you?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- I DID look at him. - But he didn't phone him.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- No.- He's the phonee, not the phoner. I mean, he's literally the phonee...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- Yeah. - ..if you're saying you know him.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Yeah, yeah.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41So... Another one for the Countdown audience.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Yeah, so, Andrew, not John, called his own company...
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- OK.- Yeah.- OK.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51..which I thought was a good sign.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54So John now turns up, in the identical looking van,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- cos it's a company van, I assume. - HESITANTLY:- Mm-hm.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58You said, "Mm-hm," like I was trying to trick you there.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- Were you not? - No, I was just talking.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Cos you should. You should try that.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04LAUGHTER
0:22:04 > 0:22:06So he turns up in a completely different van, right?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Yes, well, he couldn't turn up in the same van.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12He turns up in a different...
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Well, in fact, no, what happened was, Andrew rang, John answered,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19and said, "Oh, funnily enough, I'm asleep in the van,
0:22:19 > 0:22:23"and I can open it from the inside."
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- So he turns up. - Yeah.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- And how does he get him out of the van?- Er...
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- Talk us through the process. - I don't...
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I know he's a locksmith, but, roughly, what did he do?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- I don't know, even roughly. - Did you watch?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38No, I just stayed sitting on the bench by my front door.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- You've got a bench by the front door?- A bench?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43You've got a porch? By your front door?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Is that where you make people wait?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48People don't have benches by the front door!
0:22:48 > 0:22:53I've wasted this brilliant nugget just mentioning it in passing.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56This should have been on a card! "I have a bench by my front door."
0:22:56 > 0:22:59"Wow, a bench by your front door!"
0:22:59 > 0:23:04"A front door and a bench in the same universe, next to each other?"
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Have you got a bench outside the front door?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08No, I've never seen a bench by a front door!
0:23:08 > 0:23:10- Well, try it!- I've gone there. This is annoying me,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12cos I've been to your house and there was definitely not a bench.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Are you getting this bench out just for special people?- You...
0:23:15 > 0:23:17The amount of times I've knocked on your door,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19and you've gone, "Sit on the floor and wait."
0:23:19 > 0:23:22You HAVE been to my house, and there WAS a bench by the front door,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24you just didn't notice it.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Well, I'll tell you, after I went, I left, and there isn't one now.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I quite liked that bench.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I can't believe that a team of people, one of whom
0:23:31 > 0:23:34does his own dentistry on the top of a kitchen island
0:23:34 > 0:23:38with a mirror attached to an Indian wind instrument,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41can't believe that someone would have a bench next to a door.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- I can't believe it! - APPLAUSE
0:23:46 > 0:23:49All right, well, we need an answer.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51So, Lee's team, is John
0:23:51 > 0:23:56Susie's helpful hero, Stacey's party planner,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58or David's lock legend?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00What are you thinking, Bob? Who do you think it is?
0:24:00 > 0:24:05Well, I'm thinking, "Is that man a tortoise owner?"
0:24:05 > 0:24:08And I've said to myself, "Is he a locksmith?"
0:24:08 > 0:24:12and I don't see it. That man's been in cold rivers, look at him.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17OK, we're going to have to go with Susie, aren't we?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Cos I can't see it being the other two, so it has to be Susie.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- You're going to say Susie? - Yes.- Let's go with Susie.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- OK.- Yes? - Yeah, for me, yeah.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27John, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:24:27 > 0:24:31I'm John, and I rescued Susie when she got caught in a tree.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32APPLAUSE
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Yes, John is Susie's helpful hero. Thank you very much, John.- Cheers.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39APPLAUSE
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies,
0:24:45 > 0:24:46and we start with...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49It's Lee.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54En route to a meeting at the BBC, I gave CPR to an OAP.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- How old?- David's team. - Pardon?- How old?
0:24:59 > 0:25:03- I'm 48. - Why did she need mouth-to-mouth?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Well, it turns out she didn't, and...
0:25:08 > 0:25:12But, you know, how do I know how you fix a sprained ankle?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14And how did you encounter the OAP?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18The OAP was just outside the Tube station where the BBC was,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- and soon will be again, I believe. - Which line?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- What? - Which line did you get on?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- I got the train to Waterloo, and then I got the Tube.- Which colour?
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Well, she started off sort of pink, then she went red,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34and then she went a bit yellow, and then I just got her back again.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35What colour Tube?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Funnily enough, when I got back that day and my wife said,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40"What's happened today?", I didn't go, "Well, what a journey".
0:25:40 > 0:25:42When did this h...?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44I believe that you've been on the London Underground.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Thank you, thank you, David. Well, shall we leave it at that?
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Not quite. Describe the scene.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52I saw people in a circle, looking down on the floor.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57- Right. - Someone said, "Is anyone a doctor?"
0:25:57 > 0:25:58And I said, "Yeah".
0:25:58 > 0:26:00"Yeah, there's loads of people."
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- Yeah.- She goes, "I don't suppose you can do CPR, can you?"
0:26:06 > 0:26:10And I went, "Can I do CPR?" And as it happens, I can do CPR.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- So what does CPR involve? - Yeah.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Put my hand there, put my hand there, and I started doing this,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- this.- What's your rhythm? - I did this.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- That's too slow.- Way too slow. - It's meant to be Staying Alive.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Oh, you want it in real...?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Sorry, I thought you wanted it in slow motion.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- It's the music of Staying Alive. - You wanted it in the beat I did.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- It's... # Ah, ah, ah, ah... #- Ah, yeah, but my record player's broke.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- SLOWLY:- # Ah, ah, ah, ah
0:26:35 > 0:26:40- SLOWLY, DEEP VOICE: - # Staying alive, staying alive... #
0:26:40 > 0:26:42"Will you speed that record player up, love?"
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- SLOWLY, DEEP VOICE: - # Staying alive... #
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I'll tell you what, Tragedy's the worst.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- SLOWLY, DEEP VOICE:- # Tragedy... #
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- Really upsetting. - So what happened?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53We got a new record player.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59How many of these did you do?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01I think I did...
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- CORRECT TEMPO:- # Ah, ah, ah, ah
0:27:03 > 0:27:07# Staying aliiiiiive... #
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Ah, that was the problem - I paused for the high pitched note,
0:27:09 > 0:27:11and she went blue again, I went back again.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# Staying alive, staying alive. #
0:27:13 > 0:27:17This didn't help - # Ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive... #
0:27:21 > 0:27:24So, I'd say I probably got through the first verse.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26OK, so you did...
0:27:26 > 0:27:29You did the first verse of Staying Alive, then what happened?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32And then she literally got up at the right moment of the verse.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35She went... # Staying aliiiiiive! #
0:27:37 > 0:27:40And then the ambulance came and took her off,
0:27:40 > 0:27:43and she went straight over a bridge and died.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45All right, so, erm...
0:27:45 > 0:27:48What are you thinking? Stacey, does that have the ring of truth for you?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Awful, awful ending to the story, I'm so sorry.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53I'm very suspicious. He doesn't even know what Tube he got on.
0:27:53 > 0:27:58You really...? Really? That's the most doubtful part of the story?
0:27:58 > 0:27:59- What do you think? - What do you think, Susie?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01- No, I think his rhythm was all wrong.- Whoa!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Bet you've been told that before.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06AUDIENCE SHRIEKS
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- No, I don't believe it. - Don't believe it.- No.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Then I think we think it's a lie.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- You think he was making all of that up?- I do, I'm afraid.- Goodness me.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Lee, truth or lie?
0:28:16 > 0:28:18It is, in fact, a lie!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20I missed, ironically, after that.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22Yes, it's a lie.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23BUZZER SOUNDS
0:28:23 > 0:28:25That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to one.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32- Yay! - APPLAUSE
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Thank you for watching. We'll see you next time. Goodnight.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38APPLAUSE