0:00:20 > 0:00:23CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
0:00:27 > 0:00:30the show with unvarnished truths and highly polished lies.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32On Lee Mack's team tonight, when she was young,
0:00:32 > 0:00:34she wanted to be a vet or a comedian.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Either way, she'd have to practise her putdowns. It's Sara Pascoe.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:41 > 0:00:44And he's a former world snooker champion.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47In fact, just today, he got a 147.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Dropped him off right outside the studio. It's Steve Davis.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:57And on David Mitchell's team tonight, an actor who got
0:00:57 > 0:01:01rid of his TV set because there was so much rubbish on it.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05I can only apologise. From Line Of Duty, it's Craig Parkinson.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:14And she went to Cambridge, where she got an MA in history of art.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Just like Lee, she's as clever as she is beautiful.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21It's Claudia Winkleman. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:26And we begin with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists
0:01:26 > 0:01:29each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34They've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Sara, you're first up.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I once booked a holiday to Costa Rica
0:01:42 > 0:01:44because I thought it was in Spain.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:53I only realised my mistake when I sat down on the plane.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54David's team.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Where is Costa Rica?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00It's in...between um...
0:02:00 > 0:02:03America and South America.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08- OK.- Central America, they call it. - Sorry?- Central America.- Yeah.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12- And you realised when you sat down on the plane?- Yes. - What made you realise?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15When you sit down on a plane, it has a chair in front of you,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18unless you're the pilot, and it has a little square on it with
0:02:18 > 0:02:20the map that you're going to go on.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22And it says how long the flight is going to be.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25And this flight said 14.5 hours.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Which I thought was a long time to get to Spain.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- And... - Suddenly, you're a geography expert.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Anyway, so it had all of the dots
0:02:36 > 0:02:39and the dots were going away from Europe to Central America.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- And who were you with? - Myself. By myself.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Where were you going at the time? Was this a holiday?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Um, yes. I was going to do a yoga retreat.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50And when you booked the flight,
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- was there no information about the landing time?- No.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55I booked the holiday,
0:02:55 > 0:03:00and this is bad, on a lunchbreak on my iPhone, while crying.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- So I was paying so little attention.- OK.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I'd just broken up with my boyfriend
0:03:06 > 0:03:11and the only time I had off work was Christmas and New Year.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16I decided that rather than being sad in the UK, I was going to go
0:03:16 > 0:03:18away and do something like really healthy.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20So, how did Costa Rica come into the picture?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Well, I was Googling yoga retreats and it said Costa Rica. Costa Brava, Costa del Sol...
0:03:24 > 0:03:27And in your mind, you've always associated Costa Rica...? Oh, I see.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- Yes, in Spain.- Costa del Sol.- Yes! - Well, there is a logic to it.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- Of course!- OK, yeah. LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:35I love the way you do that...
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I love the way you turned as if it was them
0:03:37 > 0:03:40that didn't quite understand that.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Did you get that from the off?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Rob, I'm going to break the news gently.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46You're the only one in the room that hadn't actually thought of that.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48I hadn't. I hadn't put two and two together.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Do you make this mistake all the time? When you go to Costa Coffee,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- do you think - that was a lot quicker than I thought?- Yeah!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56It's swings and roundabouts, isn't it?
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- The first time. The first time. - APPLAUSE
0:04:00 > 0:04:05- Now, what was it like?- Costa Rica? Um, because it's not in Spain, there's lots of different
0:04:05 > 0:04:10insects and scorpions that we don't have in Europe, that we've banished.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13And they've all gone to Costa Rica.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15What insects do you remember?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- Tarantulas.- They're not insects, they're arachnids.- All right, David.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20OK.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25Oh, let's be factually inaccurate, shall we? That never causes any problems,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28as you enter the ninth hour of your flight!
0:04:28 > 0:04:32- Spiders are not insects, Costa Rica is not in Spain.- OK.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36This is why education is so important!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39All this anger towards me, all of a sudden!
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- I've just got one more question. Did you see any monkeys?- Yes.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- What kind?- Black and white ones.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51This has all been noted. Continue.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- Did that help? The monkeys?- Yes.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- Do you remember how you paid for it? - On a debit card.- Right.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Cos things are going fine!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Did you not think - it's a little bit over the Spanish budget?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08No, I didn't, actually. There's a couple of factors just to take into consideration.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Number one, it was over Christmas, New Year,
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- so everything's much more expensive. - You were going away for Christmas?!
0:05:14 > 0:05:18- On your own to a yoga retreat?! - She'd just split up with her boyfriend! Show some sympathy!
0:05:18 > 0:05:23- She was crying in her lunch hour. - Poor girl.- Yeah, but you don't want to be on your own at Christmas.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Don't fall for this, it's the classic Brydon chat up line.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Say, "Yes, I do," just say that.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36I've got a flat in the centre of town. You should come round there.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- All right, what do you think? Is she telling the truth? - I've got a few problems with this.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I think you can get there faster than 14.5 hours
0:05:43 > 0:05:45and there are howler monkeys everywhere.
0:05:45 > 0:05:50- That's why I asked her the monkey question.- Ah. - Are they black and white?- No!
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- Ooh, what colour's a howler monkey? - Sort of, I'm going to say, russet.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57You used to be russet, didn't you, Steve?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Certain areas, still a bit.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- So, what are you thinking? - I don't... What do you think?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- I actually now think it's a lie. I'm with you.- We'll go lie.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18So, Sara, was it true, or was it a lie?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20It was...
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- ..true. - APPLAUSE
0:06:26 > 0:06:29It's true!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Sara did go on holiday to Costa Rica because she thought it was in Spain.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Disappointing for us at this stage,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37but the good news is a third of their team is an idiot.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- LAUGHTER - I think you'll find it's two-thirds!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- Yes, of course!- Don't forget me, David, come on!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46OK, Craig, you're next.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53When I was eight, for about a year, I insisted my parents set
0:06:53 > 0:06:57an extra place at the dinner table for Steve Davis.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Wow!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Lee's team.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- How old are you? - How old do you think I am?
0:07:06 > 0:07:11- It's not about that.- It is to me. - I reckon you are, to put it into Steve's language...- Passing age.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13..three reds and four blacks.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18You can't make three reds and four blacks.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- That's a good point Steve makes. I can't do three reds and four blacks. - It's impossible!- But it took...
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I know, I've forgotten and I'm a commentator.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Can I just say, you can, because you could use the black ball as a
0:07:27 > 0:07:30free ball, as a red, and you could get three reds and four blacks.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33So you're wrong, Steve. But never mind, you're new to it.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36What era was this?
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- It was in the '80s.- So when Steve was like the world champion.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Steve Davis at that time, for me, was my hero.- Still is, surely?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46MOUTHS
0:07:48 > 0:07:53- So, you'd never met him?- Ah. - You had.- I HAD met him. - Oh, you had met him?- Yeah.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Where did you meet him?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I met him in a shopping arcade in Warrington.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00This story's pretty rock 'n' roll.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Have you ever been in a shopping arcade in Warrington, Steve?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I don't know cos the '80s were a long time ago. How old are you?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- What was Steve doing in the shopping arcade?- Signing things for people.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Yeah, I did sign things.- Did you take something to sign?- No, because it was a spur of the moment thing.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- I didn't even know he was going to be there. - But you met him?- Yeah.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- And how did that conversation go? - I can't remember.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28He shook my hand and he signed a little piece of paper for me.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31He said, "Keep up," because I said I really wanted to play snooker.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- He said you've got to keep practising and practising.- I used to say that.- Did you used to say that?
0:08:35 > 0:08:40- Yeah, a lot of times, yeah. - I think because he was so encouraging then, it really spurred
0:08:40 > 0:08:43me on, even though I wasn't even tall enough to start playing snooker cos it was
0:08:43 > 0:08:47really hypnotising when me and my dad used to watch on the telly.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I just wanted him to be there all the time, at meal times.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- It made me feel very safe. - Oh, it made you feel safe? - LAUGHTER
0:08:53 > 0:08:58- What? Don't be like that! That's a nice thing! - We haven't found out how old he is.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- He was probably born in about '78. - We've got Wikipedia? Haven't you?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Born in '78, I'm going to have him down as a 39-year-old man.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Yeah, we'll take that. That's fine.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- The fact is that an actor, as Sara pointed out...- Let's leave it there. 39. That's nice.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Actors don't like to disclose their age cos they feel it might prejudice
0:09:15 > 0:09:18people against casting them and I wouldn't want to do that with Craig.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- Yeah, it's true. - Do we need to ask more questions?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I'm just worried about the fact it might be true.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26- You're worried that it IS true? - I'm worried it's true. - Why is that worrying?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- Because it will freak you out a bit? - Yeah.- Really? - Why? Because he's a bit weird?
0:09:29 > 0:09:33- Well, I mean, nobody likes stalkers, do they?- It was his house.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35You can't stalk someone by staying in your own house.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Yeah. Actually, if you think about it, you were in his house.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- You were stalking him. - Yeah, it's you. You.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43APPLAUSE
0:09:45 > 0:09:48So, look, you're obviously a big Steve Davis fan.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52How many times had Steve won the world snooker championship at the age of sort of mid '80s...?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- Three.- Three. Does that add up?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I... I... Yeah.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59What did you like about Steve Davis?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Why didn't you have an imaginary Bill Werbeniuk?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Because I'd never seen anybody quite like Steve Davis.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- SARA:- Aw!
0:10:07 > 0:10:09You believe him, don't you?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12So, what's it going to be then, Lee? Do you think it's the truth?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- Sara?- I think it's true.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Are you into snooker?- Nope.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20But I've had a lot of fun, listening to all the colours and all the numbers!
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- I'm really missing out! - APPLAUSE
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Steve, what are you thinking? - I don't want to know about this now.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32The thing is, if I say it's true cos I'm being sucked in,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36how stupid am I? I'll be the third stupid person on this team.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- You think it's true. Steve, you think it's...- I think...
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I think it's true. I don't want it to be true.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I think we're going to have to say true, then.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48OK, you're saying it's true. Let's find out.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Craig, was it true? Or was it a lie?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54It was a lie.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56APPLAUSE
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- Are you not interested in Steve Davis at all?- No.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER
0:11:04 > 0:11:08I did like his character when he was Spitting Image. I liked that.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Stop digging! Stop digging!
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery
0:11:17 > 0:11:20guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:11:22 > 0:11:25that has the genuine connection to the guest.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27And it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31So, please welcome this week's special guest, Aubrey.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:43- So, Steve, what is Aubrey to you? - This is Aubrey.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46When he goes on holiday, I look after his pet snail.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Sara, how do you know Aubrey? - This is Aubrey.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53He once followed me home for ten miles,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56just to return my jar of mango chutney.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58And finally, Lee?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00This is Aubrey.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04We were once threatened with eviction after we stole
0:12:04 > 0:12:06and fried our housemate's socks.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10David, where do you want to start?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Um...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Steve, this snail,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19describe it.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23It's got a shell.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28And an undercarriage.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29An undercarriage!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31OK.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- LEE:- Welcome to Steve Davis' Natural History.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36It's back to you in the studio!
0:12:40 > 0:12:44It's a common garden snail. Nothing special.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47And Aubrey asked me to look after it.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- Where does he keep it? - Basically, in an aquarium,
0:12:51 > 0:12:55the same as you would keep any type of snake or lizard.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58So, he keeps a common, normal, regular snail...?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- Totally regular snail.- The sort of thing one might find, you know,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04dozens of just in the garden,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- he keeps one of in a tank?- Yes.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- Does the snail have a name? - This one's called Judd.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13And what do you feed him?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Lettuce or occasionally dandelion leaves.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18As a treat.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- LEE:- Or you should give him Frenchmen as revenge!
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Just go back a minute, you specifically said "this one"
0:13:29 > 0:13:32is called Judd, which to me suggests there are others.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Yes, he's had others.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37- The last one was Ronnie. - Ronnie before Judd.- Before Judd.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- And Alex.- Alex?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I see where this is going.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47- Now, are you picking up this theme, Craig?- Yes. Got this.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49With your snooker knowledge, I mean...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- CLAUDIA:- Steve, does Aubrey have other pets?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- He used to keep snakes. - What does Aubrey do for a living?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58He used to work in the snooker club I played in.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01And we got to be friends over a period of time.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05I was, to some degree, interested in snakes. No longer.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08That's how we sort of got a bit of an interest.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- Does he live near you? - In the Romford area.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14And when he goes away, do you go to his house to feed the snail?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16No, the snail comes to me.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21That must take ages!
0:14:22 > 0:14:27What does the task of looking after a snail involve?
0:14:27 > 0:14:31- Fresh food.- Of course. - And keeping the soil moist.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35And do you monitor...? Do you worry if he appeared a bit sluggish?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:40 > 0:14:43MOUTHS
0:14:45 > 0:14:48At last, the art form has reached its peak.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Who would you like to quiz next?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Sara, tell us the story about the chutney following.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59Um, I was in a supermarket and I did all my shopping and then
0:14:59 > 0:15:04when I packed it up, I didn't realise that I'd left some chutney.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- You packed up all the shopping apart from a jar of chutney?- Yeah.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Mango, did you say? - Mango.- Delish. Continue.- So nice.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15And so then, I went back to my car, I got in my car, I drove away,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I didn't know I'd forgotten anything and then
0:15:17 > 0:15:19when I turned off the dual carriageway,
0:15:19 > 0:15:23a car was flashing me and I thought I'd done something wrong
0:15:23 > 0:15:28and it was this man, called Aubrey, and, um, he came out of his car
0:15:28 > 0:15:30and had my chutney.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Is this quite a special supermarket that you had to go all
0:15:33 > 0:15:35the way ten miles to get this chutney?
0:15:35 > 0:15:41Oh, it's called Lidl and it is worth the drive, my friend!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- It's worth that ten mile trip. - I wasn't at my house.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I wasn't in London, where I live now.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I was at a writer's retreat in...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- Costa Rica.- Costa Rica.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55A place called Sheldon in the Cotswolds.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58So you're sitting at the wheel, he comes alongside,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00and you see him holding the chutney.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- Yeah.- What do you do? - Well, I put the window down.- OK.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08- And he says, "You left this at the supermarket."- Creepy.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- "I've been following you."- How did you know his name was Aubrey?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Did he then go, "Lovely to meet you"?
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- No, he tweeted me. He tweeted me that night.- Saying what?
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Just, "How was your dinner, with your chutney?"
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Did you reply?- No. - So, hang on...- This is the first
0:16:24 > 0:16:27time you've seen your stalker since...?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- He's not my stalker. It's a year and a half ago.- He's hardly a stalker.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- She left some chutney and he brought it back to her.- For ten miles!
0:16:33 > 0:16:37If that makes you a stalker, then I think we're all a little bit of a stalker, aren't we?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39This is just a jar of normal mango chutney?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41It's delicious, but yeah, normal.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Did you definitely leave the chutney there, or did he just pick
0:16:44 > 0:16:47anything off a shelf and then follow you and he's here now?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Oh, yes! In the shopping, you found the jar of chutney!
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- Oh, this... - LEE:- Did you find more chutney?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I didn't, but now I'm scared even though I know I didn't.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00All the audience members are going,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"Yes, he stopped me for chutney once!"
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Now then. What about Lee?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- Lee, remind us of your story. - This is Aubrey.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12We were once threatened with eviction after we stole
0:17:12 > 0:17:15and fried our housemate's socks.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- What was the name of the housemate? - Her name was Cathy.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21And who caught you, frying these socks?
0:17:21 > 0:17:25The catching didn't happen till the next day.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Because it was on New Year's Eve and we were about to go out celebrating.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33And we may have been, in my more carefree days,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35a little bit worse for wear.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40And so we decided it would be fun to fry these socks.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41So, how did you fry them?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Well, as anyone knows, you want to go for your basic,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48get a bit of butter in, get it all hot, nice and heated,
0:17:48 > 0:17:51lay the sock like a thin piece of steak, one side, all you're
0:17:51 > 0:17:54doing is searing the edges, you don't want to cook the middle.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57How did you know Aubrey?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Well, me and Aubrey had been travelling together in Australia.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- We were in Australia at the time. Did I tell you that?- No.
0:18:03 > 0:18:08- Oh, well, I just have. - Those socks were left in the frying pan, weren't they?- Yeah, overnight.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- So, who found them the next day? - The mother of the flatmate.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- STEVE:- No way!- Yes way!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Describe the crisis of the next day.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19The mother's there, she's come in to the house,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22she's seen the charred socks in the frying pan. What happens next?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Yes, so we've come back late on New Year's Eve, now New Year's Day,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28it's like four in the morning, so I was still asleep.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32And it was Aubrey that got the grief off the mother.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Right.- What was she so cross about? - What was she so cross about?!
0:18:35 > 0:18:38We'd fried her daughter's underwear! What do you think?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Socks is not underwear. - They are where I wear them.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43LAUGHTER
0:18:43 > 0:18:46APPLAUSE
0:18:49 > 0:18:52So, the mother gets cross with Aubrey and says what?
0:18:52 > 0:18:57She went, "G'day, Cathy. How are ya?" She's come in.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00And then she goes, "Ah strewth! Who's done that in me daughter's...
0:19:00 > 0:19:03"Who's done that with me daughter's socks?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05"I'm gonna go cra-a-azy.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09"Oi, you! Aubrey, get yerself de-e-ehn here!"
0:19:09 > 0:19:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:12 > 0:19:15So, Aubrey goes down like that. Wanders down in the kitchen.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19She went, "Ah, strewth, mate! Who would fry a girl's socks?"
0:19:19 > 0:19:21And then he said, "Look, we were a bit..."
0:19:21 > 0:19:25And she went, "Don't you...!" And she went crazy at him. She absolutely went crazy.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27She said, "I'm going to report you to the owner of the house."
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- "And I'm going to have you evicted." - Were you evicted? Did you have to leave?- We weren't evicted.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35We were threatened with eviction. I think the landlord did then have a word.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Aubrey was very much seen as the leader of the two of us. He's the kind of person...
0:19:38 > 0:19:41I mean, look at the different statures of the two of us.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43He can hold himself. Boy, can he hold himself!
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- And... - LAUGHTER
0:19:53 > 0:19:55You were told not to smile!
0:19:58 > 0:20:00We need an answer.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04So, David's team, is Aubrey Steve's snail mate,
0:20:04 > 0:20:10Sara's condiment saviour, or Lee's sock sizzling sidekick?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- This is a problem.- It is. - What's the problem?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16The problem is no-one would keep a single snail as a pet,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19no-one would follow someone ten miles just to return some
0:20:19 > 0:20:23chutney, and Lee would fry some socks, but it's clearly not Lee.
0:20:23 > 0:20:29- So...- So, come on, what's it going to be?- Socks.- Socks. You're saying socks. OK.- Socks.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33OK, in that case, Aubrey, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- I'm Aubrey...
0:20:36 > 0:20:38And Lee and I fried our housemate's socks.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41APPLAUSE
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Yes. Aubrey is Lee's sock sizzling
0:20:45 > 0:20:49sidekick and proof is found in this.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53LAUGHTER Those are the socks.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57And who is that ever so camp, glamorous young man holding them up?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Thank you very much, Aubrey. APPLAUSE
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies, and we start with...
0:21:12 > 0:21:13It's David.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Whilst trying to take a picture on a ramble,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21a big horse bent my selfie stick.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24LAUGHTER
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Was it just you on your own?
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- Erm, no.- Please tell me it wasn't just you on your own in a field with
0:21:30 > 0:21:34a horse, taking a picture on a selfie stick!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38(AS DAVID): Make an effort. Look as if you're enjoying it.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42There were three other people there.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Was it for all four of you to be in the photograph with the horse?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49No, we weren't trying to get the horse in the picture?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- Oh, the horse wasn't part of the picture?- We'd asked the horse to take the picture.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57How did the horse get involved in the story then?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00This might be a help. Look what I've got.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03This is one of these selfie sticks that are so popular.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- If I were to go and hand this to you, David.- Yes.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- Why don't you come out and imagine you're in the countryside?- Yeah.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11And Rob, with that face, you can play the horse.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:22:18 > 0:22:22It's not just the face that resembles...
0:22:22 > 0:22:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Sorry, my apologies.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33I don't even want to touch it now.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38All right, here we go. So I'm a horse. Here I am. Neigh! Whinny!
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- Here we are, taking the...- Neigh! - We're all nicely in position here
0:22:42 > 0:22:45for the photo with the hill, skittish horse.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- Neigh!- Skittish horse. I'm trying to take the thing.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Can I just check, Rob?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Are you a meerkat trying to sell car insurance?
0:22:56 > 0:23:00I'm a horse. I've reared up onto my hind legs.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04It didn't rear up. It just sort of danced about a bit.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08You worry about playing a repressed, middle-aged Englishman
0:23:08 > 0:23:10and I will worry about playing a horse.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13OK. So we're ready, we're taking the picture,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15I can't get the button to work.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- Fiddle, fiddle, fiddle. Fiddle, fiddle.- Neigh!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- I accidentally drop it. - Neigh!- Like that.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Skittish horse...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30APPLAUSE
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Oh!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Canter off!
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Oh, no!
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Oh, I can't hold it, I've got hooves.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- And then it was broken. - A bit more bent than that.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54There we go. And then... Oh, dear!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59And then did I get in the picture as well?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02And that was it. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:02 > 0:24:04That's it.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08What do we think? I mean...
0:24:08 > 0:24:11It really reminded me why I don't go to the theatre.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- It's a very, very poor art form. - It is, isn't it? Yes.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17It's reminding a lot of other people why
0:24:17 > 0:24:20they don't watch much television.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25- So, is it the truth? Or is it a lie? - I think it's a lie.- Lie.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- Because of the selfie stick. - You think it's a lie.- Yeah.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31OK, David, truth or lie?
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Well, it is...
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- ..a lie. - APPLAUSE
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Next.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40It's Lee.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45I once returned a T-shirt to a shop,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48furious that it had shrunk in the wash,
0:24:48 > 0:24:53only to discover mid-complaint, it was in fact my seven-year-old son's.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- David. - So, what did the T-shirt look like?
0:24:57 > 0:25:01It was a small red T-shirt.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05I'm guessing you had recently bought a adult sized red T-shirt
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- and you put that in the wash. - Correct.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12And presumably also, your son's identical red T-shirt,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15purchased at a different time and different place...
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I got it from Gap. And he got it from Gap Kids.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21And I just grabbed it, put it on, thought, oh, it's shrunk.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24I had no reason to believe.. I didn't check the label.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26That was my T-shirt, as far as I was concerned.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28So, when you went back into Gap, what did you say?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30I was in a queue for ages, someone shouted, "Next,"
0:25:30 > 0:25:32so I thought - I'm in the wrong shop.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Then I finally found out that it was Gap, so I got to the
0:25:39 > 0:25:44front of the queue and I went to the counter and I said, "I'm not happy."
0:25:44 > 0:25:45What did they say?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48They said, "Well, which one of the dwarves are you?"
0:25:51 > 0:25:57I'm interested in you saying that you actually put on your son's
0:25:57 > 0:25:59T-shirt, which lest we forget,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02you said earlier was something for a seven-year-old child.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05All right, I didn't want to say on national television.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07My son is clinically obese.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13You forced my hand, so now I've got to say it. OK?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15So, thank you for that(!)
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Thank you, David(!)
0:26:18 > 0:26:20No, he's not clinically obese.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24I know this is probably not the right way to play this game
0:26:24 > 0:26:29and this may seem a little bit like I'm helping the other team, but surely your T-shirt
0:26:29 > 0:26:32and your son's T-shirt would have shrunk at the same rate.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- He didn't know his child's T-shirt was in there.- Nothing's shrunk.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Nothing actually shrunk!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- Steve, Steve, nothing's... - Oh, I see.
0:26:41 > 0:26:46- Nothing shrunk. It's just his son's T-shirt.- Oh, I see!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Oh, I see!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50So, there's no shrinkage. No shrinkage is involved.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52OK.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- Are you following this? - So, why were you complaining?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57LAUGHTER
0:27:00 > 0:27:02So, there you are at the front of the queue
0:27:02 > 0:27:04and you're talking to the assistant.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I handed it over, I said, "I'd like to swap this.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08"This T-shirt has shrunk."
0:27:08 > 0:27:10She looks at the label, which I haven't done.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14She looks at it and assumes that it's my child's T-shirt
0:27:14 > 0:27:15that has shrunk.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19And she said to me, "Are you sure it's shrunk?"
0:27:19 > 0:27:21To which I said, "Yes, because I couldn't put it on."
0:27:23 > 0:27:28To which she said, "Well, yes, but could your child put it on?"
0:27:28 > 0:27:31I said, "I'm not giving it to my son just cos it's shrunk."
0:27:32 > 0:27:35And she said, "Well, if you're sure it's shrunk, then OK, it's shrunk."
0:27:35 > 0:27:37She went off, she came back,
0:27:37 > 0:27:42she gave me another T-shirt exactly the same size.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43And what did you say?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46I said, "Well, that has also clearly been in a high wash."
0:27:46 > 0:27:49She said, "How big are these supposed to be then?"
0:27:49 > 0:27:52I said, "Well, they're supposed to fit me." "Why are they supposed to fit you?"
0:27:52 > 0:27:56I said, "Because I bought an adult T-shirt." She went, "Ah! Ho-ho-ho!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59"Ha-ha-ha!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02"This is hilarious!" I said, "Why?"
0:28:02 > 0:28:04She goes, "I don't even work here."
0:28:04 > 0:28:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I'd gone to the wrong person, hadn't I?
0:28:12 > 0:28:15OK, it's time to guess, David. What do you think?
0:28:15 > 0:28:18We need to guess. It's a lie!
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Put us out of our misery. Was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:28:21 > 0:28:25- It's a lie! - APPLAUSE
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Yes, it's a lie. BUZZER
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show,
0:28:33 > 0:28:36and I can reveal that David's team have won 3-2.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Thank you for watching, we'll see you next time, good night.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42CHEERS AND APPLAUSE