0:00:14 > 0:00:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
0:00:24 > 0:00:28the show that sorts the facts from the fibs.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30On David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:30 > 0:00:32a comedian who admits to being
0:00:32 > 0:00:36a huge hypochondriac - or at least that's what he thinks he is,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40but what if it's something worse? Please welcome Joe Lycett.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:48And a guest who called his first tour Who Is Nish Kumar?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51and his second tour, Nish Kumar Is A Comedian.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Please welcome... He's spoilt the introduction, hasn't he?
0:00:55 > 0:00:56It's Nish Kumar.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:02And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:01:02 > 0:01:06a host of Watchdog who is not only going to be entertaining us tonight,
0:01:06 > 0:01:11but after the show is going to help me get my PPI back. Nikki Fox.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Thank you.
0:01:13 > 0:01:18And I'm not saying he's posh,
0:01:18 > 0:01:22but he describes the Royal Family as new money - it's Miles Jupp.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:26 > 0:01:30And we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists
0:01:30 > 0:01:33each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39they have no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction
0:01:42 > 0:01:45and Miles is first up this evening.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51Whilst on holiday in South Africa I had a two-minute conversation
0:01:51 > 0:01:53with what I thought was my wife,
0:01:53 > 0:01:57only to discover that a small hippo had wandered into the bedroom.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04David's team, what do you make of that?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Miles, describe your wife to us.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Tall, slender, statuesque.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15So the hippo had a very similar voice to your wife?
0:02:18 > 0:02:22The hippo was just sort of moving gently around.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27They're known for that.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Not in an especially close proximity.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35What was the conversation about and how did you go two minutes?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39I'll tell you what the conversation was about, it was about me and I was doing most of the talking,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41which obviously contributed to my confusion.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44So where in fact was your wife?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47My... I don't, I don't know where she was, she was just not...
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Have you ever seen your wife again?
0:02:50 > 0:02:54So where were you? I'm guessing that this is a safari scenario,
0:02:54 > 0:02:58- am I right?- It was sort of on the outskirts of Cape Town.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Describe the nature of the structure you were in.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Right.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Is it a building, is it on the fourth floor of a...?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Did the hippo have to get in a lift?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17OK, well, it's mainly bungalows. The resort is a collection
0:03:17 > 0:03:20of sort of bungalow buildings, largely A-frame wooden buildings
0:03:20 > 0:03:21with a kind of thatch roof.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Why were the doors so big a hippo could get in?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Well, it's a small hippo, isn't it?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30How small is a small hippo?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Like George from Rainbow?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37About yay big.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39So, so, the hippo was only that big?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- Yeah.- So about the size of a Labrador?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Well, let's be clear, is that its width or its length?
0:03:46 > 0:03:50That is its width, as viewed from behind and I suspect from the front.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52This is worse, your wife's like the back end of a hippo!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57This A-frame bungalow has how many rooms in it?
0:03:57 > 0:04:02It's got two rooms, at one end there is a big bathroom
0:04:02 > 0:04:05and then there's, the rest of it is a very big open-plan bedroom
0:04:05 > 0:04:07and it has a sort of seating area in the middle of it
0:04:07 > 0:04:12and it has a bed at the far end, a very robust bed.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15A bed you could make love to a hippo on?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26That is speculation but I wouldn't bet against it.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30OK, we're in the bungalow.
0:04:30 > 0:04:35I'm in the en-suite end, OK?
0:04:35 > 0:04:40And I'd been shaving and then, you know, shouting over my shoulder
0:04:40 > 0:04:41and I realise after a while
0:04:41 > 0:04:46I'm not getting a lot back here and I turned round and I saw that I
0:04:46 > 0:04:52had not been moaning about my career to my wife, but to a baby hippo.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- How long was this baby hippo? - Yeah.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Well, I only saw it from the back, but I imagine statistically
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- it'd be, what, probably three times as long as it was wide?- OK.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07So, broadly, so it was a sort of as long as this desk.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Nobody measure animals by width.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13"Oh, I saw a massive snake, it was this big."
0:05:13 > 0:05:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:19 > 0:05:22So what are you going to say, is he telling the truth?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I think based, on the width, it's a lie.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Yeah, I think that was a panicked reach for width.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29On the basis of the panicked reach for width,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I think we'll say it's a lie.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34You're going to say that's a lie.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37OK, Miles, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40It is...
0:05:40 > 0:05:41..a lie.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44APPLAUSE
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Yes, it's a lie,
0:05:48 > 0:05:53Miles didn't mistake his wife for a hippo whilst on holiday.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Joe, you're next.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00"I also went to the same resort and skinned a cheetah.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02"I am wearing it tonight."
0:06:02 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:09 > 0:06:12At the end of my first driving lesson, my instructor told me
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I'd done pretty well but that I didn't need to make
0:06:15 > 0:06:19- the noises of the car engine as I drove along.- Lee's team.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22OK, so what kind of noises would you make?
0:06:22 > 0:06:26I find it very sort of reassuring to make noises in the car
0:06:26 > 0:06:28cos I find it quite stressful driving.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32So on the first lesson this is when it started and I'd just go...
0:06:32 > 0:06:37HE MIMICS CAR ENGINE
0:06:37 > 0:06:38So you would replicate,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41then, if you changed gear, you'd do what you just did then.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43HE MIMICS CAR ENGINE
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Yeah.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49What's the reversing around a corner backwards noise?
0:06:51 > 0:06:56I need to just get into the character, into the position.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57I'd go...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59HE SIGHS MECHANICALLY
0:07:06 > 0:07:08What's weird about that?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Would you make all the noises?
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Would you do indicators, for example?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15No, no, let's not be silly.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Joe, just to get to the nitty-gritty - name of driving instructor.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Cos I remember mine - Norman - and we ate Percy Pigs.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26I don't actually... Cos I had two cos the first one was a friend
0:07:26 > 0:07:30of my dad's and he kept shouting, "Don't panic!"
0:07:30 > 0:07:33It wasn't Clive Dunn, was it?
0:07:34 > 0:07:38I don't know that reference. Who's Clive Dunn?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40LAUGHTER
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Oh, Lee...- Clive Dunn played Corporal Jones in Dad's Army.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45You've just fallen into the generation gap, Lee.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48This audience actually oohed the fact that Joe didn't know who...
0:07:48 > 0:07:50They were like, "Ohhh, you piece of work."
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Well, you say they oohed, perhaps they were accelerating.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:00 > 0:08:02So what do you think, then, Lee,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- what is your team thinking about this?- Nikki, what do we think?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- I reckon it might be the truth. - You think it's the truth.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Yeah, I would say that, do you, Miles?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I think just Joe is inherently believable, very trustworthy.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13OK, well, we'll say it's the truth.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16You're saying it's true. Joe, truth or lie?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19It is...a lie.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Oh. I'm sorry.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27So, our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on
0:08:27 > 0:08:31a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them
0:08:34 > 0:08:36that has the genuine connection to the guest,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43So please welcome this week's special guest - Amy.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53So, Joe, what is Amy to you?
0:08:53 > 0:08:57This is my friend Amy and I grossly offended her
0:08:57 > 0:09:01when I made a less-than-perfect sculpture of her head.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Nish, how do you know Amy?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06This is my friend Amy. We became friends after
0:09:06 > 0:09:10I found her asleep in a box of volleyballs.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13And finally, David, what is your relationship with Amy?
0:09:13 > 0:09:18This is Amy, she is the charity shop worker who sold my shoes
0:09:18 > 0:09:23whilst I was otherwise engaged trying on a pair of cowboy boots.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Lee, where do you want to start?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Nish, remind us again.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- I found her in a box of... - Oh, yes.- ..volleyballs.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34First of all, where were you where there was a box of volleyballs?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I was working at a leisure centre just after I left school
0:09:37 > 0:09:41and Amy was also working there over the summer between school
0:09:41 > 0:09:44and uni and they sent me to check on the volleyballs.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Whoa, whoa, to check on the volleyballs?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49MILES: That's a good job for a new guy.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52"Make sure the volleyballs aren't messing around."
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Had your manager recently been watching Toy Story?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I believe the technical term was "conduct inventory".
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- So I was just trying to make sure. - You're supposed to count them?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Yeah, you're supposed to count them and it turned out that what she was
0:10:05 > 0:10:08doing was, because no-one really wanted to play volleyball,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11she'd found the perfect spot to have a mid-work sleep in.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- How big was this box? - It was, like, woman-sized.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Could she stretch...? Woman-size?- Yeah.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20You've heard of a volleyball coffin.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23You know, that's how they transport volleyballs.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25So you opened it up and you saw...?
0:10:25 > 0:10:26A sleeping woman.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Amongst all these volley balls. How many were there?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Like, I think probably, like, 35.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33You see, you've just said to me that this box was woman-sized.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Now, the largest woman I've ever seen is still smaller
0:10:36 > 0:10:38than 35 volleyballs.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I've used this as a chat-up line.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44When a woman says, "Oh, I feel a bit fat in this," I'll always go,
0:10:44 > 0:10:47"Don't be silly, you look less than 35 volleyballs to me."
0:10:49 > 0:10:50So she's... Did you wake her up?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Yes, and so we became friends,
0:10:52 > 0:10:57because then I would also often have a nap in the volleyballs.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59What was her job...?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- What was she supposed to be doing at the time?- We, we, we were...
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Perhaps she was sent to count the volleyballs earlier
0:11:06 > 0:11:09and had become bored by the monotony of the process.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12The boss - "I keep sending people to count the volleyballs
0:11:12 > 0:11:14"and they never come back."
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Working at the leisure centre,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Nish, what else did your job demand of you?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Basically, all-round dogsbody,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24so I would work on the front desk sometimes.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I thought you were going to say all round ball games.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29So, everything except rugby.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Bowls, David. - What?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38They're not totally spherical in bowls, that's why they curve.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I would say colloquially they're still round, though.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Oh, hello, it's all kicking off at bridge club.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51All right, who else would you like to quiz?
0:11:51 > 0:11:55OK, Joe, what situation were you in where you were sculpting her head?
0:11:55 > 0:12:00We... I-I have an office in Birmingham where I live.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02That'll do.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05So, yeah, I totally believe this, I mean that, that makes it,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08you can answer any question you like, I don't mind.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- You have an office in Birmingham? - Yeah.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Why?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Just to...to write jokes and be creative in.
0:12:16 > 0:12:21So, you went to this office to write jokes
0:12:21 > 0:12:23and said to your friend, "Would you like to come along,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26"sit in a corner and I'll sculpt your head"?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29"I've been looking for a use for all that clay I keep in my office."
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Had you just been watching a Lionel Richie video?
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Hello?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- So did you know how to do this? - No.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46But, yeah, I thought practice makes perfect, so I called Amy and...
0:12:46 > 0:12:48How long did you spend doing it?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Maybe an hour or so.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Weren't you tempted to just make it really soft, get her face,
0:12:54 > 0:12:55push it into it...
0:12:56 > 0:12:58..then do the back of her head and then go,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00"Well, at least I've got a mould"?
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- You said she was offended by this sculpture.- Yes, she was offended.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06So what did you end up with?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- It didn't look like her. - What did it look like?
0:13:09 > 0:13:13It looked more like Ainsley Harriott.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17OK, now, what about David? I'm looking forward to this.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19What was it you claimed, David?
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- That-that Amy is the charity shop worker...- That's right.- Oh, yes.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26..who sold my shoes whilst I was otherwise engaged
0:13:26 > 0:13:28trying on a pair of cowboy boots.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Can you talk us through the incident, please?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- Well, I was in the charity shop. - Which charity shop?
0:13:33 > 0:13:38- It was a Marie Curie charity shop near where I live.- OK.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I'm setting the scene before this, you're at home, you're thinking,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44"It's about time I got myself some cowboy boots,
0:13:44 > 0:13:49"but I'm not willing to commit to a new pair in case I go off the idea."
0:13:49 > 0:13:51"Just on the very slightest off-chance
0:13:51 > 0:13:53"they don't turn out to suit me and my personality."
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Cowboy boots, I'll be honest with you, don't particularly appeal
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- to me aesthetically. - Wow, that surprises me.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I don't think they go with what I like to call my style.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Well, how would you describe that style, David?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I-I don't... I think my style is indescribable.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Oh, no, I could describe it.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- Well, let's... I think it's best left undescribed.- OK.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22I wasn't sitting at home plotting the purchase of some cowboy boots.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I was pottering around near my house and I saw the Marie Curie shop
0:14:26 > 0:14:30and I saw in the window what looked like a nice selection
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- of second-hand novels.- Right.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37And I went in and it wasn't a nice selection of second-hand novels,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40it was all Ken Follett crap.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43But I did notice the array of shoes
0:14:43 > 0:14:47and I tend to take my shoes off at home and maybe wear slippers
0:14:47 > 0:14:50or socks - I don't want this to get too sexy.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Hang on, I need my inhaler again.
0:14:57 > 0:15:02So what I vaguely was on the lookout for was a pair of everyday,
0:15:02 > 0:15:06easy-to-put-on, non-lacing shoes that I could keep by the back door
0:15:06 > 0:15:10in case I needed to pop into the garden for some gardening.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13But you said you'd taken some of your shoes to the charity shop.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I was, I was wearing shoes.
0:15:16 > 0:15:21You decided to take them off in the shop and hand them to her?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24When you go shoe shopping do you go barefoot?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- When I take shoes... - Does somebody take you seriously?
0:15:28 > 0:15:29When I take shoes...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32"Don't keep me waiting, look how badly I need them!"
0:15:32 > 0:15:38But when I take shoes to the Sue Ryder shop, I choose shoes
0:15:38 > 0:15:40that I no longer want. I don't wander round
0:15:40 > 0:15:43and then go, "Do you know what? "You can have these if you want."
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Why would you do that? You take them ready to give.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I wasn't, it was not my plan...
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Can I just say, Rob, you're the only person in the whole
0:15:51 > 0:15:54of the United Kingdom watching this that isn't following this story.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57APPLAUSE Well, he said...
0:15:57 > 0:15:59He said he took off his shoes.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Why do you think he took his shoes off?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- To try the other ones! - To try the cowboy shoes on.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Ohhh!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Right, sorry, sorry.
0:16:08 > 0:16:13- Well, David... David, I owe you an apology.- Thank you.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- There you are in the shop... - Yeah.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20I'm in the shop and I spot these cowboy boots and to me they look
0:16:20 > 0:16:24- sort of quite loose and easy to slip on.- What length?
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- Um...- Not width, length. - Well, I'd say that long.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31About that, so they're coming up to just below the knee?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- They're not, you know... - How tall are you, Rob?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35They're not going to...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- For me, they'd be thigh length. - "I can't see over these."
0:16:43 > 0:16:46"Aaah!"
0:16:46 > 0:16:48No, I would say they're, for a cowboy,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- they're shortish... - Leather or suede?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- ..but they're not ankle boots. - Leather or suede?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Leather and with a sort of, bit of,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58you see, I don't know the technical shoe terms, but sort of like,
0:16:58 > 0:17:02like a bit of crenulation sort of flapping underneath.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06I'm just going to have to use the terminology of the medieval castle,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08it's the only way I have of describing it.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Anyway, they look like...
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- So, you saw them, you saw the boots? - Yeah, I saw them.- OK.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- So I thought, you know, "I'll try them on."- Yeah.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- But they were slightly harder to get on than I imagined.- Ah.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19People in the shop, I imagine, were going,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22"Why is David Mitchell trying on cowboy boots?"
0:17:22 > 0:17:25The shop wasn't as packed as you're imagining.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- In fact, I thought myself to be the only customer there.- Right.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I was soon disabused of that.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39When did you notice that your own shoes had been sold?
0:17:39 > 0:17:43I think, well, I-I remember I walked to the back of the shop
0:17:43 > 0:17:46in the cowboy boots, restraining an urge to walk like John Wayne,
0:17:46 > 0:17:50and when I came back towards the shoe area
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I noticed that my shoes weren't there.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- And did you see who'd bought them? - I didn't, no.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I'm picturing a scene where you walk out the shop and you walk home
0:17:58 > 0:18:01and then, a few minutes later, a cowboy goes up to the counter
0:18:01 > 0:18:05and says, "Excuse me, I was just trying on a pair of..."
0:18:05 > 0:18:09And then behind him, a clown and a sailor...
0:18:09 > 0:18:13This just goes on all day. Round and round.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17David, David, I don't know you, I've just got to know you today,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20and I admire you very much, but what I know of you from watching you
0:18:20 > 0:18:25on TV, the cowboy boots are just... I can't buy it.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I can't imagine you'd even try them on.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Well, in which case, then, you should say that I'm lying.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35That I might do.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38So, we need an answer.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43Lee's team, is Amy Joe's miffed model,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Nish's sleepy sidekick
0:18:45 > 0:18:48or David's sneaky shoe seller?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- I'm more inclined to believe Nish, myself.- You believe Nish.- Yeah.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- Because?- Because, I dunno, I just think Amy
0:18:53 > 0:18:56and Nish look like they could be really good mates.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- Miles, you think?- Well, I was looking at her very closely
0:18:59 > 0:19:03while Joe was talking about sculpting her, she looked quite icy
0:19:03 > 0:19:05about the whole thing and, of course,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07she was very offended in the story,
0:19:07 > 0:19:12but during David's story she looked, I mean, understandably, baffled.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I think it might be Joe, actually. What do you think?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Well, I'm not... I'm beginning to think,
0:19:19 > 0:19:23I mean, it doesn't even matter what I think. I mean, your own...
0:19:23 > 0:19:27I mean, my job really is to agree with you. I mean, you are a man...
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Are we trying to re-enact Dad's Army here?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33"Do you think that's wise, sir?"
0:19:33 > 0:19:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I think Nish is telling the truth.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43You think Nish is telling the truth. You think Nish is telling the truth.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- Yeah.- Right, in that case... I'll go with what my team say.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48You're saying it's Nish.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52No, I'm overruling! I'm going with Joe.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- Are you seriously? - I feel it's Joe.- All right.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Amy, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I'm Amy, and I'm Joe's friend.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19This is the sculpture that Joe...
0:20:19 > 0:20:22HE LAUGHS Good Lord!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25This is the sculpture - get ready for this.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29You will never in your lifetime
0:20:29 > 0:20:32witness a worse sculpture than this.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52You poor, poor woman.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Yes, Amy is Joe's miffed model.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- Thank you very much, Amy. - Thank you.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Which brings us to our final round, Quick-Fire Lies,
0:21:07 > 0:21:08and we start with...
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- It's Nikki. - Right.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20I love gravy so much that I freeze it into ice lollies
0:21:20 > 0:21:22to suck in the summertime.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25David.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28You maniac!
0:21:28 > 0:21:31What sort of gravy - beef, chicken or vegetable?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Beef gravy would be my gravy of choice.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Do you only make lollies out of the beef gravy?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39If I'm desperate...
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Yeah, you do sound desperate.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45..I might possibly choose another gravy.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Do you use granules?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I try and avoid granules.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Cos I think, if you're going to have a gravy ice lolly,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- you might as well do a posh one. - Yeah.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Everybody thinks it's strange, yeah, everyone thinks it's strange.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- It is strange. - Do you think it's strange?
0:22:00 > 0:22:05No, because I think if I made you one, you'd suck that gravy lolly...
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Need the inhaler again.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Yeah.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14..you'd suck that gravy lolly and you'll be like, "Nikki..."
0:22:14 > 0:22:19There's the slogan right there. It markets itself.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22"You suck that gravy lolly."
0:22:22 > 0:22:24So, David, what are you going to say, is this the truth
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- or is Nikki telling a lie?- What do you think?- I think it's true.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- You think it's true. - I think she's off her nut.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33And I think she's made a gravy lolly.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38I think it's a lie because I think... No, I can't believe
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I'm having to justify this, it's a gravy lolly, I think it's a lie.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- I think, overall, I think it's a lie.- Think it's a lie, OK.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Nikki, was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50It is, in fact, a lie.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56But I'm glad you believed it.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Yes, it's a lie. Nikki doesn't freeze gravy to use as ice lollies.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Next.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04It's Lee.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07On a recent train journey, under cover of darkness in a tunnel,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I secretly switched bananas with the stranger opposite
0:23:10 > 0:23:13because his looked better than mine.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14David.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17So, why was there no lighting in this train?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Were you perhaps travelling in the 1870s?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Because it was daytime
0:23:28 > 0:23:31and in daytime they don't turn the lights on in a train.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34So they were unaware of the tunnel on their route?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37The tunnel was so brief and so quick they didn't bother.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40So it was very brief, so it's basically like an extended bridge.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42It was a short cut.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45So it was a very quick tunnel, but nevertheless you had time...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- Very quick tunnel, I would say... - ..to swap bananas.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49No more than five seconds.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Can you demonstrate how you did it?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Yeah, I had my banana and I was looking at it thinking...
0:23:54 > 0:23:57You know when yours is just a bit, it's not...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I like them really yellow. I don't like that bit where they're
0:23:59 > 0:24:02just starting to go a little bit black, you know what I mean,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05just a little bit. But it was close enough where I thought,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07"Given an opportunity, I reckon I could swap that banana,"
0:24:07 > 0:24:10cos he was reading his paper. I thought, "He's not concentrating
0:24:10 > 0:24:13"on that banana, he hasn't fully engaged with the colour."
0:24:13 > 0:24:16So he was reading his paper, he was holding a newspaper
0:24:16 > 0:24:20with two hands and then, in one of the hands, he also had a banana?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22No, no, it was on the table in front of him.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Have you been on a train recently?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- The point is he wasn't holding the banana.- I'm not that bold.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28- No, fine.- I'm not that bold.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30That would have been awkward in the darkness.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32"Oi, what's going on, what's going on?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34"Hey, hey, what's going on?" And then the lights go on and I go...
0:24:34 > 0:24:36HE WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Mine was sitting on the table, his was sitting on the table.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41OK, and you saw the two bananas, yours has gone a bit manky,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- his is pristine. - Just a fraction.- Just on the turn.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Just enough that I could get away with swapping it.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Yeah, so it's plausible that he might think, "Oh, I thought this banana was fresher than this"?
0:24:50 > 0:24:55- Yeah, but it was like a film... - "It's been 14 seconds later, maybe it's just turned."
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Did you have any reading materials or were you just sat?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Don't mock me, you know I can't read.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I was simply entertaining myself, as ever, with my Etch A Sketch
0:25:04 > 0:25:08and I remember thinking...
0:25:16 > 0:25:19I'm looking and thinking, "He's not looked at that banana once,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23"that's wasted on him." But that's irritated me and then I just
0:25:23 > 0:25:27thought, like that, put it back in its case - I'm very protective
0:25:27 > 0:25:29of it - and I thought, "Could I...?"
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I was tempted to do it, I thought, "No, I'll never get away with this."
0:25:31 > 0:25:34And then suddenly it was pitch-black.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37I'm struggling to envision a tunnel that takes five seconds
0:25:37 > 0:25:39to get through but is...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- Well, do you know those really long tunnels?- Yeah.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Imagine one of them but really short.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47But that renders the whole carriage, it just, complete blackout.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Well, you know, all I can say, there's one important factor
0:25:50 > 0:25:53you're missing - bright sunshine, eye adjustment.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Because the effect of the bright sunlight directly on your eyes...
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Did I not mention how bright it was?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- Very, very bright?- Oh, it was bright, I can't help thinking
0:26:00 > 0:26:03he wasn't reading that paper, it was shielding him!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05In fact, it was so bright
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- I think the bananas actually grew on the train.- Yeah.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- So it's a moment of complete blackness.- Black.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- You're almost... - Black as night.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15You're almost blinded in this blackness.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I'm so blinded! And do you know, it was so dark, you know
0:26:18 > 0:26:22when it's so dark you think, "God, it's dark, I could nick a banana"?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25But that's my whole point, how did you manage...
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Yeah, how did you see the banana?
0:26:26 > 0:26:30..to put your hand on his banana if it's so...?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32You must have rummaged around.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34No, I didn't rummage. Picture the scene, the Etch A Sketch
0:26:34 > 0:26:37is away, he's behind his paper, and I'm looking and his banana's
0:26:37 > 0:26:40definitely reachable, and he's not looking and it's there and
0:26:40 > 0:26:42even before we go through the tunnel I'm tempted, I'm going,
0:26:42 > 0:26:46"Could I? No. Could I? No." There's no-one looking here, there's no-one looking...
0:26:46 > 0:26:48And I'm so close to making that decision - it goes black!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50"Get it, get it, go!"
0:26:50 > 0:26:53APPLAUSE
0:26:56 > 0:26:59And I'll never forget his face.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01I will never forget his face, he literally...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04It made a bit of a noise, bit of a kafuffle, and the lights came on,
0:27:04 > 0:27:05and he literally went...
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- And I knew I'd got away with it. - So what do you think, David?
0:27:13 > 0:27:14What do you think?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- Absolute nonsense.- All right! - What do you think?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Listen, give me another go.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22It was a pomegranate on a rickshaw!
0:27:25 > 0:27:28I mean, it's a very, very rich, complete picture
0:27:28 > 0:27:29- that Lee has painted.- Yes.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31But I don't think he... I simply don't think...
0:27:31 > 0:27:35- Grapefruit in a brothel?- ..he would steal someone else's banana.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I think he looks low on potassium as well.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- So, for you, it is a lie. - Yeah.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Lee, were you - everybody's on tenterhooks to find out -
0:27:45 > 0:27:47were you telling the truth?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Or was it maybe a lie?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Hmm, what do we think, team?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER
0:27:56 > 0:27:58This is the one where you know the answer and you say.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Oh, I see. In that case, it's a lie.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Yes, amazingly, it's a lie.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09Lee didn't secretly switch bananas with a stranger on the train.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10BUZZER
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17I can reveal that David's team have won by 4 points to 1.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20APPLAUSE
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Thank you for watching. Goodnight.