0:00:22 > 0:00:27Tonight on Would I Lie To You, you'll laugh till you weep.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Jo Brand!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32He's the Queen Vic's black sheep.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Larry Lamb!
0:00:34 > 0:00:36And their team captain,
0:00:36 > 0:00:37David Mitchell!
0:00:37 > 0:00:42And facing them tonight, good at sums,
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Carol Vorderman!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45He's a hit with mums.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Russell Howard!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50And their team captain, Lee Mack!
0:00:50 > 0:00:54And your host, Rob Brydon!
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,
0:01:02 > 0:01:06the show that demands each of our panellists lie through their teeth.
0:01:06 > 0:01:12Now, one in three adults have lied about reading high brow literature to appear well read, but I mean,
0:01:12 > 0:01:18when you've read as much Dickens as I have, you realise that's typical of what Muggles do.
0:01:18 > 0:01:24And psychologists claim that laughing at a joke you don't find funny is a form of lying.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29So if you're in the audience tonight prepare for an evening of raucous dishonesty.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31And so to round one, Home Truths,
0:01:31 > 0:01:35in which our panellists turn over a card and read aloud a fact about themselves.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Some are true, others are lies that they've never seen before.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Can the opposing team separate the truth from the fiction?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Carol Vorderman, you're first up.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Please reveal all.
0:01:47 > 0:01:54On Countdown, if I worked out the number puzzle before the time was up, I used to play a little game.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57That's where I've seen you before!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00AUDIENCE LAUGH
0:02:00 > 0:02:02So, David's team. What do you think?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04What little game?
0:02:04 > 0:02:09On the numbers puzzle, you do the sum, press the target and the numbers and the target...
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- And there's a time limit.- And you had 30 seconds to do something in.
0:02:12 > 0:02:19Well, most of the time I'd get the answer before the clock started, so I had 30 seconds.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- Ooooh!- Before the clock started?
0:02:21 > 0:02:25You must have despised the contestants.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30Sitting there, working away for the whole 30 seconds like morons.
0:02:30 > 0:02:36What I used to do, I used to get my pen that I would write on the board with
0:02:36 > 0:02:43and I used to go round all the props boys and I used to make them tap the end of my pen,
0:02:43 > 0:02:49and how many could tap the end of my pen in 30 seconds was the game.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51How many props guys, PROPS guys,
0:02:51 > 0:02:56were required in the production of Countdown?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Jo's been on Countdown a lot.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05You know, we have someone like Harry or Vince or Stan,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07who do the water-pouring.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Carol, Carol.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- We "had".- Oh yeah, had.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Tap my pen!
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Did you ever vary the game at all?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Was it always the same game?
0:03:26 > 0:03:31Sometimes I managed to get to the front row of the audience as well,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33occasionally a member of the audience.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Oh, come on. Those people can't move!
0:03:35 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER
0:03:37 > 0:03:42I can touch the pen! Oh, she's gone, she's gone.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43I'll get her next time.
0:03:47 > 0:03:53Was this not distracting to the poor contestants who're trying to do some maths, if out of shot?
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Slightly out of shot, yes.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59I feel sorry for this new girl that's doing the numbers, cos all the props guys must be going,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01"You'll have great fun on this show."
0:04:01 > 0:04:04They would have said to her on the first day,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07"Are we gonna play touch the pen?"
0:04:07 > 0:04:09And got fired for sexual harassment.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12"We always played touch the pen with Carol."
0:04:12 > 0:04:16"Well, I'm sorry, I'm just not like that!"
0:04:16 > 0:04:20David, what are you and your team-mates thinking?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- Strike you as plausible? - I think it's flannel myself.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Flannel! That's a great word!
0:04:24 > 0:04:29You've been on EastEnders too long, Larry! "It's a load of flannel!"
0:04:29 > 0:04:34I don't know. I mean, I missed a lot of that because as soon as Carol started describing the game
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I had a sort of mental absence.
0:04:37 > 0:04:43- I've done Dictionary Corner quite a lot.- But you couldn't see me from Dictionary Corner, could you?
0:04:43 > 0:04:44No, I couldn't.
0:04:44 > 0:04:49What I doubt is whether you would be allowed, when the contestants are trying to work out the maths,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52to run around the studio getting men to touch your marker pen.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- Yes, well, so we think it's a lie. - I think we do, yes.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01What a surprise. OK. Carol, is it truth or is it a lie?
0:05:01 > 0:05:02It is...
0:05:03 > 0:05:05..true.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07APPLAUSE
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Now, then.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Oh!
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Do you know what, it actually is lots of fun.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19So you seriously did this?
0:05:19 > 0:05:25It was a ritual, and after about 15 years it gets funny, really, when, you know, people...
0:05:25 > 0:05:29That's what we're hoping with this show.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34Do you know when I was being really cheeky, I'd take the top off and they all got dirty fingers!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:43I think you just like to behave outside of society's rules, don't you?
0:05:43 > 0:05:47I wouldn't be surprised to find out you're an enthusiastic dogger.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:54So, Larry... Your turn to confess all.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00I used to run a market stall
0:06:00 > 0:06:02that only sold hats for dogs.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Lee's team, this shouldn't take long.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Absolute flannel. Flannel!
0:06:11 > 0:06:12LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:14What year was this?
0:06:14 > 0:06:19It was in 19... Here we go. 19...
0:06:19 > 0:06:25Larry, we're supposed to go, "here we go", you don't do that yourself!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- It was in the 1960's. - The 1960's.- Yeah.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32- And this was your own business? - I was a lad, I was still at school.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36You were still at school and you thought, "I'm going to hit up the booming dog hat market."
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I was pretty enterprising lad, I tell you.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- Can you give us...- In Harlow.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43What was your top seller?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46The top seller was a plaid one, funnily enough.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50I was going to ask about sizes, because the sizes of dog....
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- There were only three sizes. - What were they?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Small, medium and large.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER
0:06:59 > 0:07:03It's a complex system, Carol.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07My key question is, how did a dog keep the hat on?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- You put it on over its ears. - So you crushed its ears!
0:07:10 > 0:07:11No, you don't crush it.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14This was the '60s, you didn't worry about those things anyway.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Hang on, hang, on, Larry!
0:07:16 > 0:07:19People talk about the '60s and go, "The '60s, it was wild!"
0:07:19 > 0:07:23I've never heard anyone go, "It was crazy, we used to crush dogs' ears and we didn't give a monkey's."
0:07:23 > 0:07:25"Honestly, crazy times!"
0:07:25 > 0:07:30Did you make the hats yourself or did you buy them them from somebody else and sell them on?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- They were being made in China. - They were being made in China.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37So you had links with China, despite the fact you were at school. You're chasing this.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Was it just dogs' hats?
0:07:39 > 0:07:44The main item in the '60s, for some strange reason, in Harlow was...
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Oh, I see. In Harlow. Only in Harlow.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49LAUGHTER
0:07:49 > 0:07:56Lee, the moment has now come within the game where you guess whether it's the truth or a lie.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- All the evidence seems to suggest... - It's a great big fat porky.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Yes. That would be a great name for one of his hats!
0:08:03 > 0:08:08- So you're saying it's a lie? - It's got to be a lie.- It's a lie.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Larry, is it the truth or is it a lie?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13It's a lie.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16CHEERING
0:08:16 > 0:08:18It's a lie.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23Larry did not run a market stall that only sold hats for dogs.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27He was far too busy running a kiosk selling cumberbunds to kittens.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Russell, your turn to convince us.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36I used to put my underpants on my head to cure my acne.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Sounds reasonable enough. David.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Were they on your head like a hat or were they just covering your face?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49No, I only did it at night.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53- You slept with like an underpants mask?- I'm ashamed to say.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58- Were these the underpants you'd been wearing the previous day? - No, no, I'm not a weirdo.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I had a system.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05I was 12 and I was into Nirvana and stuff like that.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07I didn't want to cut my hair, I had greasy hair.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11I thought, "I can't ask Mum for a hairnet so I'll whack some pants on, like that."
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Nice and tight and I'll sleep and I'll wake up and it'll be fine.
0:09:14 > 0:09:20If the pants were tight around your head they must have been pretty tight when you wore them as pants.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24That's just what I was thinking.
0:09:24 > 0:09:29I think that's a bit of a clue. My waist is wider than my cranium.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33David, you can't see down here. He's all small and withered.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- Are you saying he tapers to a point? - Yes.- And what made you stop?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40What happened, I went to the doctor's,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43because one of my nipples suddenly went, "Whoot!" like that.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45It didn't make that noise.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49And I went there and I was worried I was becoming a woman or something like that.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53And my mum chose this moment to go, "Yeah, and he puts pants on his head at night."
0:09:53 > 0:09:55And I was, "How am I going to chat about that?"
0:09:55 > 0:09:59And the doctor said, "In no way will that get rid of your acne",
0:09:59 > 0:10:00so I stopped doing it.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- You had acne at 12?- Yeah.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Acne and you started to get breasts?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Yeah, it was a brutal summer. Brutal.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11- If I'd had breasts at 12 I'd never have left the house.- Only one!
0:10:15 > 0:10:16So, David's team.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I think it's plausible.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- Because I've worn pants on my head as well.- Really?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Yeah.- In what context did you wear pants on your head?
0:10:25 > 0:10:29I think possibly when I was, like, looking for something to tie my hair back with.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Actually, Jo, what's that in your hair at the moment?
0:10:33 > 0:10:38Obviously if I had pants on my head at the moment they'd be the size of a marquee, Lee.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41LAUGHTER
0:10:41 > 0:10:45What I like to do, every night when I take my pants off,
0:10:45 > 0:10:49it's a bit of a laugh, as I disrobe, all I have left,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51if you can picture it, is the pants
0:10:51 > 0:10:55and what I do is I shimmy them down the length of my legs,
0:10:55 > 0:10:59first the upper thigh, then across past the knee.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- Roll it down.- Down the shin.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04I extract the left foot.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Come on, we're only human.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Then I go, "zoom!" and I catch them on my head.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13CHEERING
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- So, David, what's it gonna be? - Do you think yes?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- Yes.- I think we're going to say we think it's true.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24You are saying it's true, he actually did it. OK. Russell, is it fact or fiction?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Depressingly, it is true.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29APPLAUSE
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Our next round is called The Ring of Truth.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38I'll read out some celebrity facts and all our team needs to do
0:11:38 > 0:11:40is decide whether they are truth or tosh.
0:11:40 > 0:11:45Take a look at this fascinating clip of rock 'n' roll star, Liam Gallagher.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48People were scared to talk about
0:11:48 > 0:11:52what it actually is that makes a rock star.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55An example of this is Liam Gallagher,
0:11:55 > 0:12:00who at various points looked quite androgynous.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02What does that mean?
0:12:02 > 0:12:06- That you have a feminine quality about you as well.- I have a what?
0:12:06 > 0:12:07A feminine quality about you.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09What does that mean?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Well, you're not just some, you know...
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I'm a bird?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I'm not saying you're a bird.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16What does that mean?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19It's like you're not some 15-stone hulk,
0:12:19 > 0:12:23you have that kind of,
0:12:23 > 0:12:27androgynous, you've got a bit of feminine in your masculinity.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Have I? Explain, how does that mean?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- It's your looks. - I'm a pretty boy, yeah.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I'm pretty good looking.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40I take care of me hair, bit obsessed with me hair.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44You've got to have a decent haircut if you're the front man of a band, you know what I mean?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47APPLAUSE
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Liam Gallagher there, talking a lot of sense.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54LAUGHTER
0:12:54 > 0:12:58He is, I think that makes complete sense. I mean, that's the clincher.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00You have to have a bit of a poncy haircut
0:13:00 > 0:13:03if you're gonna be the front man of a pop band.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Even I know that.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09If I wanted to be the front man of a pop band this would not do.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Robert, might I ask you, with your number one hit single
0:13:13 > 0:13:17earlier in the year, did you do anything special with your hair?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I just try and hang on to it, basically.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Beating a hasty retreat.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- Thank you for mentioning the single, Carol.- It's my pleasure.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Bless you. Doesn't alter the fact that Countdown is over.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33Here is the related fact for Lee's team.
0:13:33 > 0:13:39Liam Gallagher once ordered a trampoline from hotel room service,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42claiming, "I like to bounce."
0:13:42 > 0:13:46- Do we believe it? Lee's team. Trampoline. - I love the idea that it's true.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51I think trampoline is a good thing, because bed bouncing is a good thing to do, is it not.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- Yes.- Jumping up and down. So...
0:13:53 > 0:13:58I think it's morally neutral, I'd say, bouncing up and down.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Is it not like recycling is a good thing to do.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Fine if you want to bounce but don't feel guilty if you don't.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11Let me give you some facts. He was staying at the Mal Maison, quite a posh hotel in Edinburgh.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14The problem with hotels like Mal Maison,
0:14:14 > 0:14:15they think they're cool
0:14:15 > 0:14:18because they'll try and have got him a trampoline
0:14:18 > 0:14:22rather than going, "What are you talking about? This is a hotel.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25"Do you want to order something on room service,
0:14:25 > 0:14:29"do you want an ironing board, do you want any of the normal things?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32"Of course you may not have a trampoline. You moron."
0:14:32 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:37 > 0:14:40He might have been playing that game where you ring room service
0:14:40 > 0:14:43and just make up something really stupid to see...
0:14:43 > 0:14:44I haven't done that one.
0:14:44 > 0:14:50Have you not? It's really good fun. I like to ring up and say I'd like some nuclear material, please.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53LAUGHTER
0:14:53 > 0:14:56I think it's absolutely the truth.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- You don't!- I do. Yes.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I think it's true and it's really...
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- How can that be the truth? - Because he's clearly off his box.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- You both think that is true? - What do you think?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- My team think it's true, so I think it's true.- OK.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15I can tell you that, in fact, it's true.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- Yes!- Result!
0:15:17 > 0:15:20APPLAUSE
0:15:20 > 0:15:25Liam Gallagher did once order a trampoline from hotel room service,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28claiming, "I like to bounce."
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Other things Liam has done in a hotel room include trashing a telly,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35smashing some doors and breaking a window.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38He really is very poor at trampolining.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Which means at the end of that round
0:15:43 > 0:15:47David has three points and Lee also has three points.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50APPLAUSE
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Our next round is called This Is Mine,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55where we bring on a mystery guest
0:15:55 > 0:15:58who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Who knows who they might be tonight.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05The cook from David's country house or perhaps Lee's parole officer.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10Tonight, each of David's team will claim the connection,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13it's up to Lee's lot to work out who's telling the truth.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Please welcome this week's special guest, Liz.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19APPLAUSE
0:16:23 > 0:16:28Welcome Liz. So, start with you, Jo, what is Liz to you?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Well, this is Liz, and when she was a baby
0:16:31 > 0:16:35I accidentally dropped her in a pond.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- What?- Accidentally?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43There will be time. Larry, would you tell us what Liz is to you?
0:16:43 > 0:16:48This is Liz, who taught me basic bar skills before I went to work in the Queen Vic.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52OK. And David, what is Liz's connection with you?
0:16:52 > 0:16:58This is Liz, and together we are writing a guide to the castles of Britain.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01LAUGHTER
0:17:01 > 0:17:06Totally plausible. Lee's team, where do you want to start?
0:17:06 > 0:17:11I think we gotta start with Jo. What are you talking about?
0:17:11 > 0:17:16When I was about seven or eight, yeah.
0:17:16 > 0:17:21Me and my two brothers were looking after Liz, and she was a baby,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24she was about, I don't know...
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Well, how old is a baby?
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- A year.- You decide, it's your story.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Who was the oldest looking after the baby?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- My brother.- He was how old?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38He's a year-and-a-half older than me.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43So he was nine-and-a-half and his role was the chief leader of looking after the baby.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- Yes.- What a great job you all did, may I say.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Apart from the dropping it in the pond bit.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Why were you near a pond?
0:17:50 > 0:17:55Cos I lived in the country and, ooh, there's ponds in the country, Carol.
0:17:56 > 0:18:01Being rude to Carol Vorderman's not going to get you out of trouble, Jo Brand!
0:18:01 > 0:18:05How did the actual dropping happen in the pond?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07We were playing catch with her.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Come off it!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11You were playing catch?!
0:18:11 > 0:18:16Just kind of, just trying to make her laugh, just throwing her to...
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I think we should move on to castles.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I absolutely think we should move on to castles,
0:18:20 > 0:18:24with the first question, what's what's your favourite and why, Dave?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I have two favourite castles. They are castles I discovered as a child.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Not on my own, they had been previously discovered by historians.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35One is a castle in Wales, in the Mumbles,
0:18:35 > 0:18:40near Swansea and that is called Oystermouth Castle.
0:18:40 > 0:18:45- It's called what?- Oystermouth Castle.- I can vouch for that. - What kind of castle?
0:18:45 > 0:18:51That's a sort of Norman, late Norman kind of castle, with a keep and a...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- What do you like about Oyster Castle?- Oystermouth.
0:18:54 > 0:19:00I like it because it's a traditional, old fashioned castle with a moat.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- An old fashioned castle? - They all tend to be...
0:19:03 > 0:19:08As opposed to these new modern ones with stone cladding.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12It has always been irritating to me that very few castles
0:19:12 > 0:19:18completely adhere to what I imagine being the typical castle.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- What was yours again, Larry? - What was yours?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23This is the lady who taught me my basic bar skills
0:19:23 > 0:19:25for when I was working in EastEnders.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28What are the three most important bar skills that you now have?
0:19:28 > 0:19:35My character is supposed to have spent years working in the bar and pub business, so it's timing,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37it's not just a case of "pull a pint".
0:19:37 > 0:19:41You have to pull a pint and be talking to a customer, taking money.
0:19:41 > 0:19:48- Multi-tasking.- What sort of lines might you say, Larry?- You might say, "How you doin', sunshine?"
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- Did you go to her or did she come to you?- No, you go to her.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- Is that near the studios? - This has been years...
0:19:54 > 0:19:57They've been doing this for, evidently, eight years.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02- I've only been there for a year-and-a-half and it's an induction thing.- So did Barbara Windsor go?
0:20:02 > 0:20:08Barbara Windsor had to go after, because she's been there for, sort of, nearly 20 years.
0:20:08 > 0:20:14So for 20 years, they said, "OK, it's been OK so far but we've decided suddenly..."
0:20:14 > 0:20:19- Everybody.- "The first 14 years was great but now it's about time you had a bit of bar training
0:20:19 > 0:20:22"cos we can't put up with you missing that pint pot any more.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26"Pouring it over your head and then your bra falls off."
0:20:26 > 0:20:31We need an answer. So Lee's team, is Liz Jo's pond playmate,
0:20:31 > 0:20:38David's fellow castle expert or Larry's bar tutor?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- What do you think, Russell?- I think castle.- Why do you think castle?
0:20:42 > 0:20:48Because Dave's an intelligent man and will have lots of little hobbies and stuff.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50This is definitely Larry.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52It's not Jo. That's completely inconceivable.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56You would not give a very small baby to three very young children,
0:20:56 > 0:20:57not even in the '60s.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01- Who went in the water to get the baby out?- My brother Bill.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04What, because he had the right beak shape?
0:21:04 > 0:21:09- Lee, I'm going to push you for an answer.- Larry. Say Larry.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I'll say Larry.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15- You are saying it's Larry. - I don't think any of them are true.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20OK, Liz, would you like to reveal your true identity.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24I know Jo, she dropped me in a pond when I was a baby.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Yes. We've actually got a photo of the two of you together.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Aww!
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Look at the fear in her face!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Liz, congratulations.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I don't know why I'm congratulating you for being thrown into a pond.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Thank you so much for coming. Liz.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52APPLAUSE
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Yes, it's actually true.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Liz was dropped in a pond as a baby
0:21:59 > 0:22:03and it was Jo who accidentally dropped her.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06And then accidentally skipped away, laughing.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09She also accidentally strapped her to a breezeblock
0:22:09 > 0:22:12and tied her up in a sack full of kittens,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14but that's Jo. Ever so clumsy.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18LAUGHTER
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Which brings us to our final round, Quick fire.
0:22:22 > 0:22:28Lee's team are currently behind so they need to do better here. And we start with...David.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Possession.
0:22:31 > 0:22:36Well, you have to reach under your desk and lift out your box.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39LAUGHTER
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- OK.- Yeah.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47This is a letter rejecting me from a job at McDonalds.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Lee. What do you reckon?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Could you read it out to us, please, David.
0:22:55 > 0:23:03"Reference, CM1156/P. Dear David, thank you for your recent application to work at the Abingdon branch.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07"Unfortunately at this time your application has not been successful.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09"Thank you for your interest in our company.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12"Yours sincerely, Martin Danks."
0:23:12 > 0:23:14When was it dated, please?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17It's dated 19th July 1990.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- And you will have been... - I will have been...- Mortified.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Uh, yes!
0:23:22 > 0:23:26I never really bounced back from that. I would have been just 16.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Does that add up Carol?- He's 52.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33At heart. Yes.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I don't want to bring back unhappy memories for you,
0:23:36 > 0:23:40but what did you feel you could have brought to the company?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42LAUGHTER
0:23:42 > 0:23:44A certain nervous energy.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49A culinary snobbishness that is lacking.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54A fear of interacting with customers
0:23:54 > 0:23:58and an equal fear of frying chips.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I think Dave could have closed them down
0:24:01 > 0:24:03just by having people come in,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06"Gies a burger." "You don't want a burger, my friend."
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I wouldn't, at that age, have had the confidence
0:24:09 > 0:24:12to refer to someone as "my friend" in that way!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I would have gone, "Ooh, why?"
0:24:16 > 0:24:18"Don't look at my face."
0:24:18 > 0:24:19What do you think, Carol?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I think it's a lie.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25I don't want to sway you on this, because we need the points.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29I reckon he's kept it. He's a peculiar mystery. Look at him.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33This is why I don't like people looking at my face.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- So, Lee, you're saying...- I have to say I think that's probably...
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- True, it's true, it's true. - I think it's a lie.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- I say it's a lie.- You're saying it's a lie. OK, David, time to own up.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45It is in fact a lie.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Nice work, Vorderman.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50APPLAUSE
0:24:50 > 0:24:52It's a lie.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55David has never even been to McDonalds, although he was...
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Of course I've been to McDonalds.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00LAUGHTER
0:25:02 > 0:25:07What's the betting that the next joke is, "He went to visit Lee."
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Can I please be allowed to read the autocued joke.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Sorry.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17David has never even been, although he was once mildly tempted to pop in
0:25:17 > 0:25:20and sample their short-lived McPheasant Zinger.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23LAUGHTER
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Excellent. Good work.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Good work, the joke computer.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Next, Lee.
0:25:33 > 0:25:38I once picked up a hitchhiker and scared him so much he cried.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40David, do you believe him?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Where were you driving?
0:25:42 > 0:25:46I was going from, I think it was from around the Norwich area,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49presume somewhere between Norwich and Yarmouth.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50How did you scare him?
0:25:50 > 0:25:55What happened, we were driving along, he got in the car and he said, the first thing...
0:25:55 > 0:25:58You were driving along and he got in the car? That's dangerous.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- He was running to keep up. - Yes, it was an ice-cream van.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03I grabbed him by the hair and pulled him in.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05That's how I used to get them.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09My car used to have problems, because it was a problem car
0:26:09 > 0:26:14and I pulled over, right, I pulled over and I went round the back,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17cos I used to have to hit the engine to get it going again,
0:26:17 > 0:26:21and it all went wrong and we pulled over, so I said,
0:26:21 > 0:26:25"I'm just getting in the back because I need to get a hammer to give it a whack,"
0:26:25 > 0:26:28and as I went back I said, I thought it would be funny to say,
0:26:28 > 0:26:30"Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you."
0:26:30 > 0:26:33So I went round the back of the van, got a hammer out.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Went back to the front, as I was walking past the front of the car, I looked in,
0:26:37 > 0:26:41and I just saw him go like that, and he just wiped a small tear from his eye,
0:26:41 > 0:26:45cos I think he genuinely thought I'm gonna kill him and he was a bit worried.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47He cried?!
0:26:47 > 0:26:51That's a very odd response to immediate mortal danger.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53To just slightly well up.
0:26:54 > 0:26:59I call that a more the end of It's A Wonderful Life reaction!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02"Oh dear, I am to die, it appears."
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Rather than get out the car and run!
0:27:05 > 0:27:06No, just a slight welling up.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09"Ah, well, all things come to an end."
0:27:09 > 0:27:12LAUGHING
0:27:14 > 0:27:17David, what do you reckon then?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I think the stuff about having a dodgy car
0:27:19 > 0:27:22that he has to hit in a certain way with a hammer to get it going,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- I think that side of it is true. - Let's leave it at that, then.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- That's the bit that doesn't ring true to me.- Flannel.
0:27:28 > 0:27:33Larry, what do you say, you've got a good flannel detector, would you...?
0:27:33 > 0:27:35I think it is. I think it's flannel.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I actually think it might be slightly true
0:27:38 > 0:27:40but I'm not convinced it's true,
0:27:40 > 0:27:43so I'm gonna go with the team and say it's a lie.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Not gonna rock the boat. OK.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Lee Mack.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49I say that it is indeed the truth.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53APPLAUSE
0:27:53 > 0:27:54It's true.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Lee did once pick up a hitchhiker
0:27:58 > 0:28:01and scared him so much that he cried.
0:28:01 > 0:28:06Even Lee now admits it probably wasn't a good idea to shut him in the boot with the other hitchhikers.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07LAUGHTER
0:28:07 > 0:28:09BUZZER
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Oh, and that is the noise that signals the end of the round
0:28:13 > 0:28:17and the end of the show and I can reveal it's a draw!
0:28:17 > 0:28:21With five points on Lee's team and five points for David's team.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24APPLAUSE
0:28:24 > 0:28:26But it's not just a team game.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30My individual liar of the week is Jo Brand.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32APPLAUSE
0:28:34 > 0:28:37I have to say, I had my suspicions about Jo,
0:28:37 > 0:28:40the second I saw her park in the disabled bay
0:28:40 > 0:28:42and limp into the studio.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Good night!
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:53 > 0:28:56E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk