0:00:22 > 0:00:25Tonight on Would I Lie To You...
0:00:25 > 0:00:30She's a priceless presenter... Fern Britton!
0:00:30 > 0:00:33He's a Free Agent...Stephen Mangan!
0:00:33 > 0:00:37And their team captain... David Mitchell!
0:00:37 > 0:00:43And facing them tonight, beaten by a Tory...Ken Livingstone!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Always got a story...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Reginald D Hunter!
0:00:47 > 0:00:51And their team captain, Lee Mack!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54And your host, Rob Brydon!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Hello, good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You, the show where
0:01:04 > 0:01:06fibbing is the order of the day.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08When they're lying, people fidget awkwardly,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11they shuffle their feet and they avoid eye contact.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I know this is a fact because the
0:01:13 > 0:01:16other day I did a stand-up gig to an audience of 2,000 liars.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER
0:01:21 > 0:01:25We lie the most on the telephone, because there's no written record.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Lee lies on the phone all the time.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30There's never really a fire, is there, Lee?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:35 > 0:01:39And scientists believe we evolved the ability to lie simply because
0:01:39 > 0:01:41it helps us to get food and sex.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I don't have to lie to get food!
0:01:44 > 0:01:45LAUGHTER
0:01:45 > 0:01:49And so to Round One, Home Truths. It's all about the extraordinary,
0:01:49 > 0:01:50exciting lives of our panellists.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Each panellist will turn over a card containing either a true fact about
0:01:54 > 0:01:59themselves or a whopping lie they've never seen before.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04Can the opposing teams separate the truth from the fibs? First up, Reg.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08The D in my name stands for Delicious.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER
0:02:16 > 0:02:21- Obviously, why?- Well, it was the late '60s when I was born, 1969.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25There are a lot of black men my age around that time being given names
0:02:25 > 0:02:29like Reginald and Winston and Delicious.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Because at that time in America, affirmative action had just started
0:02:37 > 0:02:40so black women saw an opportunity for their children to get jobs.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43So what they did was, "We'll give him a name that will
0:02:43 > 0:02:48"enable him to be recognisable yet dignified to potential employers."
0:02:48 > 0:02:53- And Delicious is dignified? - Well, I mean, you have to understand, it's a little
0:02:53 > 0:02:56different in the black community than it is in your white world.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:05And so, like, the name Delicious commands great respect in the ghetto.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:16You probably don't listen to much rap music, do you, Fern?
0:03:16 > 0:03:22There's MC Delicious, Big Papa Delicious...
0:03:23 > 0:03:25French Golden?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27LAUGHTER
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Where did Reginald come from?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Reginald is a German name.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38It means mighty, or wise power.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Delicious means very tasty.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER
0:03:45 > 0:03:47APPLAUSE
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- What was your father's name? - His name was Homer.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59LAUGHTER
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- What was his middle bit? - He didn't have a middle name.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06He grew up in the '30s and '40s -
0:04:06 > 0:04:10tough times for black people, and he couldn't afford a middle name.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Do you have brothers and sisters?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- I do indeed. - And what are their names?
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Um, there's Brenda, there's Cathy, there's Oliver,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23there's Scrumptious...
0:04:23 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER
0:04:28 > 0:04:32I don't think people would have thought that calling you Delicious
0:04:32 > 0:04:33would help you get jobs,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36except as a food.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- Shall we say it's a lie?- Yeah. We're gonna feel stupid when it's true.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44You're saying that it's a lie?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Reg, is it the truth or is it a lie?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48It is...
0:04:48 > 0:04:50a lie.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51APPLAUSE
0:04:53 > 0:04:57So what does the D stand for in your name?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59What does the D stand for in my name? None of your business.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:05The D in Reg's name does not stand for Delicious.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10I did once meet a person called Delicious, but I'm not sure it was her real name.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Or if the other girl was really her sister.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Or if either of them were actually qualified nurses.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER
0:05:18 > 0:05:22But I will say, if you're watching, Delicious, could I please have my wallet back?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:26And Stephen Mangan, you're up next.
0:05:28 > 0:05:34Yep. I once guessed the exact number of sweets in a Mini Cooper
0:05:34 > 0:05:38and was awarded a prize by Britain's tallest man.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40TITTERS
0:05:40 > 0:05:43How many sweets were in that car?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Yep.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I can't remember, actually.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Ooh, when was this?
0:05:50 > 0:05:55- I would've been about 11. - Can you give us a ballpark figure?
0:05:55 > 0:05:59It was something in the 4,000 area, because they were quite...
0:06:01 > 0:06:05- ..Quite big. I don't... - 4,000 sweets in a Mini Cooper?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I don't think they were real sweets - they were probably,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- like, fake, big sweets. - Right. What sweets were they?
0:06:11 > 0:06:15What tipped you off to make you think that they was fake?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18They just looked too big for a mouth.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- If they're that big - you said this big?- Quite big, yeah.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I don't know, about... Yeah.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29- So they had massive, fake sweets in a Mini Cooper?- Yeah.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I'm very suspicious of your story.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:37You can't remember the amount. You can't remember the size.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40And where was this? Any recollection of the country?
0:06:40 > 0:06:46Yeah, yeah. It was at Brent Cross shopping centre. I won £100.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- What?- That was the prize.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49- £100?- £100.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- What year was this?- Oh...
0:06:54 > 0:06:5880...late '80s - '83? Something around there.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01"Late '80s - 83"?
0:07:01 > 0:07:02LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Bit of advice. Don't ever try and make it in politics.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08You haven't got a chance.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10And he knows.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I sense you're edging ever closer to a decision.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- What are we going to say, Ken? - He's lying.
0:07:22 > 0:07:27- Not that tough then. Reginald? - My first instinct is to say
0:07:27 > 0:07:33that that's too fantastic a story to have ever happened to anybody.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36But then I think you look like you might do anything.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I'm gonna go with yeah.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50I don't know whether to go with Reginald, with his suave charm...
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Or you.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54LAUGHTER
0:07:54 > 0:07:59I'm going to go with him here, and say that you are, in fact, not telling the truth.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01You're saying it's a lie? OK.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04So, Steve Mangan. Truth or fiction?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06It is, in fact...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- ..The truth.- No! No, no, no!
0:08:11 > 0:08:14APPLAUSE
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Yes, it's actually true.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Stephen did guess the exact number of sweets in a Mini Cooper
0:08:25 > 0:08:28and was awarded a prize by Britain's tallest man.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33I'm so glad that that story ended happily, considering it had the words "car,"
0:08:33 > 0:08:35"sweeties" and "strange man" in it.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- Ken, your turn to reveal all. - "I am the Mayor of London."
0:08:41 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:51 > 0:08:57I was the first person in the world to breed the Congolese frog,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00hymenochirus curtipes, in captivity.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02TITTERS
0:09:04 > 0:09:06This shouldn't take long. David.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Why?
0:09:07 > 0:09:12They are the only frog I know that has a prehensile anus.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14LAUGHTER
0:09:16 > 0:09:18You got Lee's attention.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23They can turn the anus into a small tube, which sprays eggs or sperm in
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- just about every general direction. - How did you...
0:09:27 > 0:09:29m-m-make them breed?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Well...
0:09:31 > 0:09:34He stammered when he asked it. I love that.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38"Sir, h-how did you, um, m-m-make them breed?"
0:09:38 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Everybody else kept them in tanks with an aerator, which bubbled away.
0:09:45 > 0:09:50With the prehensile anus spraying the sperm and the eggs in all directions,
0:09:50 > 0:09:54if it's bubbly water, they just sink down and nothing happens.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59They need to stay on the surface film. So it's pure luck on my part.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Not in my wildest dreams did I think I'd hear Ken Livingstone say "anus"
0:10:03 > 0:10:04so many times.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07You should have been around on election night.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:10 > 0:10:12OK, David. What's your decision?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I think it's a clever lie, because we know how you like
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- amphibians or reptiles or whatever. What's, what's the...?- Politicians.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:26 > 0:10:28You have to reach a decision.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31What do you think, is it true or false?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- AUDIENCE MEMBER: False. - She thinks it's a lie, see?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36You can't ask members of the audience.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Of course you can!- What is this? - Hands up all who think it's a lie.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44What's this?!
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- It's unheard of on this show. - What I like, Fern, is that we
0:10:47 > 0:10:51now have a sort of soupcon of Ready, Steady Cook about it.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55- What are you going to say, then? - I think Green Tomatoes have got it.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- And you're saying...? - There were more hands up for true.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- I think we're going to go with true.- You're saying it's true?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Hee-hee! Right.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Ken Livingstone, is it the truth or is it a lie?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09It's true.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11APPLAUSE
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Yes.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19It's completely true.
0:11:19 > 0:11:27Ken was the first person in the world to breed the Congolese frog, hymenochirus curtipes.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29LAUGHTER
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Ken, perhaps if you'd concentrated a bit harder on your
0:11:31 > 0:11:36transport policy instead of Kermit, you'd still be in power.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Our next round is called the Ring Of Truth. I read out
0:11:40 > 0:11:43celebrity facts and all our teams have to do is decide
0:11:43 > 0:11:45if they're true or not. What could be simpler?
0:11:45 > 0:11:49David's team, look at this clip of someone we can all look up to.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Years ago, a Brylcreemed head looking like patent leather
0:11:52 > 0:11:53was just the thing for the trendy young man.
0:11:53 > 0:11:581955, Saturday night, off to Tottenham Royal.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00So it was crash, bass, sausage and mash,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03two kippers and a bonbon, a little dab'll do ya.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Really so, on the barnet.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07And then the combination was,
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Old Spice on the German, little bit of Old Spice...
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Tiddly winky woo,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14with the Brylcreem, bee's knees.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16APPLAUSE
0:12:21 > 0:12:24You know what? I wouldn't mind giving him a punchy wunch in the boat race.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29Here's the related fact, then, for David's team.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Is this possible, David's team?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Why would you need a Cockney version of the Bible?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43It was to make the Bible more accessible to the man on the street.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Sun blushed tomat-a... Stigmata.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48LAUGHTER
0:12:56 > 0:13:01George Carey endorsed it in 2001.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05The feeding of the 5,000 becomes Jesus feeding 5,000 geezers from
0:13:05 > 0:13:09five loaves of Uncle Ned and two Lillian Gish.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12LAUGHTER
0:13:12 > 0:13:16"Jesus heals a deaf and dumb man" is translated as,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19"Jesus heals a mutton Jeff geezer who couldn't rabbit, either."
0:13:19 > 0:13:22LAUGHTER
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Please, let this be true!
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- Again, it would be great if that was true.- Wouldn't it? I'd buy one of those.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31You'd think we'd have heard about it though, wouldn't you?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Chas and Dave would have done a CD.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35LAUGHTER
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Why is that clever, rhyming slang? Why is that good?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41You're using language to make it unclear. Say what you mean!
0:13:41 > 0:13:45It was to stop the police knowing what you were talking about.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50People shouldn't stop the police knowing what they're talking about!
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- What are you going to say? - I'd like to believe it, but I think it's a lie.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56- It has to be a lie, doesn't it? - OK, we'll say lie.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58You're saying lie?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00It is...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04True.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06APPLAUSE
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Yes, amazingly, it's true.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I have the book here.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20We don't Adam and Eve it!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22LAUGHTER
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Let me read a bit to you.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25The Lord's Prayer.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- I'm going to hate this, aren't I? - Yes, you are.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I'll just brace myself.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- "Hello, Dad."- Oh, God.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36LAUGHTER
0:14:36 > 0:14:37No, no, no - "Dad."
0:14:40 > 0:14:43"Hello, Dad, up there in good ol' heaven.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46"Your name is well great and holy, and we respect you, guv.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48LAUGHTER
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"We hope we can all have a butcher's at heaven,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54"and be there as soon as possible.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57"And we wanna make you happy, guv."
0:14:57 > 0:15:01It is true. When the book came out, it was a massive hit,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03which is also Cockney rhyming slang.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05LAUGHTER
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Which means at the end of that round, it's David with three points
0:15:09 > 0:15:11and Lee with two points.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13LAUGHTER
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring
0:15:20 > 0:15:24on a mystery guest, who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:15:24 > 0:15:30Or, more embarrassingly, is someone from the Child Support Agency looking for Lee.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine
0:15:34 > 0:15:37connection to the guest and it's up to Lee's team to spot the truth.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40So please welcome this week's special guest, Gordon.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42APPLAUSE
0:15:49 > 0:15:54So, Stephen, what is Gordon to you?
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Er, well, this is Gordon.
0:15:55 > 0:16:03Er, Gordon and I were in a prog-rock band called Aragon, and we recorded
0:16:03 > 0:16:08an album called The Wizard's Dream.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09TITTERS
0:16:09 > 0:16:14- David, perhaps you'd like to explain the connection.- Yes, this is Gordon.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19He works in my local pet shop, and recently sold me a hamster
0:16:19 > 0:16:22that died the very next day.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Finally, Fern, explain your relationship with Gordon.
0:16:26 > 0:16:32This is Gordon. He's the subject of my life-drawing class and I have
0:16:32 > 0:16:36- painted him naked three times.- There we are then, pretty straightforward.
0:16:36 > 0:16:42A former prog-rocker, a purveyor of poorly pets, or a nude model.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- Lee's team, where would you like to start?- What did the hamster die of?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49What did the hamster die of? I don't really know, actually,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- I think it was... - I think we all know, David.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54LAUGHTER
0:16:57 > 0:17:01You didn't take it back and ask for your money back, or ask for
0:17:01 > 0:17:02an explanation about why it died?
0:17:02 > 0:17:06You just brought the man who sold you the dead hamster on the show.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07LAUGHTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Who was the hamster for?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13It was for the godson of some friends of mine.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17No, no - rather, my godson, who is the son of some friends of mine.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- Can I ask, are you close? - It was for God's son.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22LAUGHTER
0:17:24 > 0:17:26For his birthday, I bought him a hamster,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29and he came down the next morning...
0:17:29 > 0:17:30LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:34and the hamster was no longer alive.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- OK. Stephen.- Hello.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- Could you remind us again of the name of the band?- Aragon.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44OK. And what was the album?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- The Wizard's Dream.- Can you name some of your songs on the album?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- Yep.- In fact, I've changed the question - name them all,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53without stopping for breath.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57There was The Dragon, which was 15 minutes long.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Er, Reflections Of The Reaper.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- Fool By The Fire. There were four songs, that's three...- Four songs on an album?- Yeah.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Well, one was 15 minutes long...
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Which year was this? - This was the early '90s, 1986.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12LAUGHTER
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- How many band members were there? - There were four at that point.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- We started with...- Could you name the other members?- Yes.- Do it.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Right.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24I see where you're going.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- Charlie Dilks.- Yeah.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28LAUGHTER
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Good old Charlie.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33And Angus Ford-Robertson.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35And, Fern...
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Now, you take sketches of this man here?
0:18:38 > 0:18:44So, what - you build up from fruit, to flowers, to his testicles, or...?
0:18:44 > 0:18:45LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:49We started on a ladder and a bit of fabric and the paint brushes and
0:18:49 > 0:18:56things, then we moved on to eventually Gordon and he was there for three sessions.
0:18:56 > 0:19:01OK. Now, let me ask you this, when did you do this course?
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- Two years ago, I started. And I still do them.- You still do them?
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Now, you get up and rush off to the studio, you've got four kids and you
0:19:09 > 0:19:12have whatever extra things you do,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15and then you have time to go and paint men you don't know.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19- Well, it's only 7 o'clock to half-past eight.- Really? Really?
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- You're a very energetic woman, Fern, to do all that.- Thank you.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Don't say "thank you." It's not a compliment, it's an accusation.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33So, Lee's team, is Gordon Stephen's ex-bandmate,
0:19:33 > 0:19:38David's hamster vendor, or Fern's nude model?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- OK, what do you think, Reginald? - I don't think Fern has time.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46I don't believe you would ever try to handle a hamster, living or dead.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER
0:19:49 > 0:19:55And I think it's you, because you and this cat here - Gordon, y'all got the same eyebrows.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- And, Ken, you're going with... Stephen as well?- Yeah, yeah.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08So it's Stephen?
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- Let's go with Stephen. - OK. Gordon, would you like to reveal your true identity?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15My name is Gordon and I was a guitarist in a progressive-rock
0:20:15 > 0:20:19band called Aragon with Stephen, and we did record The Wizard's Dream.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20APPLAUSE
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Thank you very much for coming along tonight. Cheers. Gordon.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25APPLAUSE
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Yes, the story was true.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Gordon was Stephen's bandmate.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37And if you fancy listening to Wizard's Dream, simply log on to iTunes - there's
0:20:37 > 0:20:41literally tens of thousands of much better albums available right there.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43LAUGHTER
0:20:43 > 0:20:48So, at the end of that round, David's team have three points, Lee's team have three points.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50APPLAUSE
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Which brings us to our final round, called Quickfire Lies, in which our
0:20:57 > 0:21:01panellists lie not only through their teeth, but against the clock.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Again, they don't know whether they're about to read a true fact,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08or a lie that we've made up and they've never seen before.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11So we will start with...Lee.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14"Last year, I was ordered to leave Blackpool Tower,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17"after I threw a sausage roll off the top."
0:21:17 > 0:21:23- How were you discovered? Did someone see you...?- Security was at the top.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25And they saw you? Why did you throw it?
0:21:25 > 0:21:30Well, because I'm Northern and I just thought, the bin's over...
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- The bin was not in sight. - Why didn't you finish it?
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Because actually, I'd already had one. This was my second.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I was halfway through it and I thought, "No more for me."
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Were they hot sausage rolls?
0:21:42 > 0:21:46If you want, I'll give you the accurate heat of how they were.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48This hot...
0:21:48 > 0:21:49HE PANTS
0:21:51 > 0:21:53SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Why did you throw it off the top? You're there, security's there,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59it's a horrible thing to do...
0:21:59 > 0:22:05How fast is a hot, or even quite hot, sausage roll gonna be moving by the time it hits...
0:22:05 > 0:22:07No, you're wrong, David. It wasn't quite hot...
0:22:07 > 0:22:10..some poor, morbidly-obese child down on the promenade,
0:22:10 > 0:22:14having a miserable time on holiday in Blackpool, of all places?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17And he's just heard about the divorce of his parents, consoling
0:22:17 > 0:22:24himself with another load of high-sugar snacks, and the next thing he knows, a warm-ish sausage roll
0:22:24 > 0:22:26hits him slap in the face!
0:22:26 > 0:22:27LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- He may be trying to eat the second sausage roll!
0:22:30 > 0:22:32LAUGHTER
0:22:36 > 0:22:38David, let's have a guess.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- Fern?- I don't think...- I don't... - I don't think he would.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- I think it's a lie. - I think we think this is a lie.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- Yes.- You're all agreed?
0:22:46 > 0:22:51- Yes.- It's a lie?- It's a lie.- OK. Lee, is it the truth, or is it a lie?
0:22:51 > 0:22:52It's actually a lie.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55APPLAUSE
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Yes, it's a lie. Lee was not ordered to leave the Blackpool Tower
0:23:01 > 0:23:04after throwing a sausage roll off the top.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08As if anyone from the North would waste something wrapped in pastry.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:15 > 0:23:18And next...it's David.
0:23:18 > 0:23:24"As a child, at my grandparents' house, I had a little bell that I
0:23:24 > 0:23:26"would ring if I wanted anything."
0:23:26 > 0:23:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- Lee.- Why did you have a bell?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Well, there was a bell, it was a pre-existent bell.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41There was a bell in the house and I liked it.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Only at the grandparents' house? - Yes.- Not at home?- No.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Cos your parents didn't play that shit, yeah?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49At home, you just sort of went...
0:23:49 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- So how old would you be?- About six.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57What were the things you wanted when you rang the bell?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59More chips.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Er, a glass of orange squash.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05A sense of purpose in life.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Was it both grandmother and grandfather that would come and
0:24:08 > 0:24:11wait on you hand and foot, or was it just one or the other?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Er, I was a small child. I was indulged to a certain extent.
0:24:14 > 0:24:20But then also, to a certain extent, there was, "Can you actually just stop ringing the bell now?"
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- "OK." - So, Lee's team, what do you think?
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Parents could easily have had a bell and the little brat could have just...
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I liked the bell!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32I liked ringing the bell.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35He liked ringing the bell, is it true or is it a lie?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Reginald Delicious Hunter?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Um...
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Well, Sausage Roll, I believe that...
0:24:44 > 0:24:48I believe that there's a simplicity to the story that rings true.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- I'll go with that.- Go on. We'll say that's true.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54You're saying it's true. David, is it true or is it a lie?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Well, it is in fact... true.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59APPLAUSE
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Yes. Yes, it's true.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06As a child, David's grandparents' house did have a little bell
0:25:06 > 0:25:08that he would ring if he wanted anything.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Ding-a-ling... "Er, could I have a posher upbringing, please?"
0:25:12 > 0:25:14LAUGHTER
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- He, erm...- That's a remarkable impression, because it has the
0:25:17 > 0:25:20advantage of also sounding quite a lot like Ken Livingstone.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I know. You're absolutely right. As I did it, I thought,
0:25:23 > 0:25:26"This isn't the best David I've ever done."
0:25:26 > 0:25:29If it was going to be one of the good David Mitchells, it would be more like this.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34"I don't know why anybody would think I would do that. Why would they think that?
0:25:34 > 0:25:35"And I'll tell you another thing..."
0:25:35 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:40 > 0:25:43And next...
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- Fern.- Ooh. "Possession."- Ah, now,
0:25:46 > 0:25:51you have a box under the desk we'd like you to get out. That's it.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Open it up.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00"This is my tea-cosy.
0:26:00 > 0:26:05"I take it absolutely everywhere with me, because I can't stand a cold teapot."
0:26:05 > 0:26:09For no reason at all, David, could you just put it on your head?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Yeah, all right.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13LAUGHTER
0:26:14 > 0:26:18- Right, now get a big stick... - It's George Carey!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I feel quite important.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Can I have a little bell?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29If you take it everywhere, why isn't it more grubby?
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Ooh, is it grubby?
0:26:30 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:32 > 0:26:37- How hot do you like your tea? How hot?- I don't like it when you go like this, "Ugh!"
0:26:37 > 0:26:41The tongue's all burnt and then the rest of the day, you can't taste anything.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45- I understand the language of the miming burn.- This is the Lee Mack scale, all right?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Yeah. The rest of humanity uses numbers, you know, temperature.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- You use mime.- Cos that would make sense. "Is your tea all right?"
0:26:51 > 0:26:56"Yes, it's a number seven. Maybe a six, I'm not sure."
0:26:56 > 0:27:01So genuinely, the idea of numbers denoting temperature is new to you?
0:27:01 > 0:27:05- Yes.- You think that's ridiculous? - Yes, it is.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Temperature is measured in units.- But you don't say it's a seven, do you?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I'm talking to the lady, not the nutter!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14You don't want...
0:27:14 > 0:27:18Who would want a seven, anyway? A cup of tea... A seven?!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20That's horrendously cold.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22LAUGHTER
0:27:22 > 0:27:26In whichever scale. If it's Centigrade, it's too cold.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28If it's Fahrenheit, it's solid!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34So, Lee, we need a guess, please.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- What d'you think? - Come on. Come on, man, come on.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39- Could you be equally cool? - I think it's a lie.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41OK, so that's a lie.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43You're saying it's a lie?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Fern, is it true or is it a lie?
0:27:47 > 0:27:53- It's true.- Oh! Why do you do that? APPLAUSE
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Yes, it's true. That is Fern's tea-cosy and she takes it everywhere
0:27:57 > 0:28:00because she can't stand a cold teapot. That is...
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Showbiz really is rock and roll, isn't it?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05It's stashed full of skunk.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07LAUGHTER
0:28:11 > 0:28:15- BUZZER - Oh, that noise signals time's up. It's the end of the show.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18I can reveal that tonight's score is a draw.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21David's team have five and Lee's team have five.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23APPLAUSE
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Of course... Of course, it's not just a
0:28:32 > 0:28:39team game, and my individual Liar of the Week this week is Fern Britton.
0:28:39 > 0:28:40APPLAUSE
0:28:42 > 0:28:46Yes. Fern Britton, whose gigantic whoppers were as beautifully
0:28:46 > 0:28:53showcased tonight as they were on her 2003 pilates video. Good night.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:08 > 0:29:11E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org