0:00:21 > 0:00:28Tonight on Would I Lie To You? strictly a lady Claudia Winkleman,
0:00:28 > 0:00:32chips and gravy Jason Manford,
0:00:32 > 0:00:36and their team captain David Mitchell.
0:00:36 > 0:00:41And facing them tonight, she's a comedy character, Miranda Hart.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44He used to be a barrister, Clive Anderson.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47And their team captain, Lee Mack.
0:00:47 > 0:00:52And here's your host, Rob Brydon.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02the show where bare-faced lying is actively encouraged.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07Experts say that if you suspect your spouse is lying, you should keep a diary
0:01:07 > 0:01:09of what they claim they've been doing.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Or you can turn a blind eye, and that way you get to keep the house
0:01:12 > 0:01:15and still see your children.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19And it's claimed women in their 30s are the most likely to lie on their CVs.
0:01:19 > 0:01:24Or as they call themselves on their CVs, women in their late 20s.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25And so to round one, Home Truths,
0:01:25 > 0:01:29where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:29 > 0:01:34To make things harder, they've never seen the card before. So, they have no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38It's up to the opposing team to sort out the truth from the lies.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40And Claudia is first up.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41OK.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Oh!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I, um...
0:01:46 > 0:01:47LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:54Good. I once put nail-polish remover in my fish tank to give my goldfish more energy.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Lee's team, quiz her relentlessly.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- When was this?- I was small. I was five, six when I had goldfish.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04They were lovely sweet things.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- What happened to the goldfish? - They were fine.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- They survived?- Yes. I didn't put the whole bottle in. I just put a tiny...
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Just like a little bit,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14just to give them a bit more pizzazz.
0:02:14 > 0:02:20I should say at this point to people who might be watching at home or just in Dixons's window,
0:02:22 > 0:02:27that we don't encourage interfering with fish
0:02:27 > 0:02:29in any way.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31How many goldfish did you have?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- I had two.- Two goldfish. What were they called?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Rabbit and Cat.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39What was your rabbit and your cat called?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Was your cat called Dog?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- No, no, no.- Was your mum called Dad? - I was, I was... ha!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49My mum was. Why did you think it would give them energy?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Because I just thought... I thought they were looking a bit sleepy.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And they were never really doing enough hoo-ha.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00So I put in a bridge, and what you want them to do is play hide and seek. And hide under the bridge
0:03:00 > 0:03:04and them come up. And go weave through the, the, the green...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06the pond life, the water, the plants.
0:03:06 > 0:03:12- Yes.- Do you think David Attenborough's job is threatened by you?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15The point is, is when you put... when you buy freshly cut flowers,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18they often say put in an aspirin or some nail-polish remover.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23- And it'll just make them tssh for longer.- Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've never heard that.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- I've heard aspirin but not...- Why would you give aspirin to flowers?
0:03:26 > 0:03:32- They've got a headache. - It's their, it's their feet that are hurting, surely?
0:03:32 > 0:03:39When you see a bunch of flowers, you think they're silently going, "My feet hurt! Ow, my feet hurt!"
0:03:39 > 0:03:42She said "Where the hell are my feet? My ankles are killing."
0:03:42 > 0:03:47As you'd know if you were an amputee, you can still get an itch in the bit of you that's been cut off.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50You'll to have to work in your catch phrases, David.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53You've heard the story.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54I know what I think.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59I can't share that with you because I have to remain impartial.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02We've never asked Rob this. But what do you think, Rob?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05I think Claudia needs 24-hour care.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Anyway, to return to what we were concerned with a moment earlier...
0:04:11 > 0:04:15I can imagine a child doing something like that. I can't believe it would work, would it?
0:04:15 > 0:04:20- Drive them to distraction. Probably flapping around in a big craze. - It did work, then!
0:04:20 > 0:04:25It did work. It did have more energy. They were going, "I'm dying, I'm dying!"
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- So, what we going for, Clive? - Well, I think it's a lie.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32- What do you think? - It's a lie.- Well, then I'll go with my team and say that it's a lie.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- You're saying it's a lie. OK, Claudia Winkleman.- Yes. - True or false? Truth or lie.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38It is in fact a true.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41APPLAUSE
0:04:41 > 0:04:46Yes, it was true all along.
0:04:46 > 0:04:53Claudia did once put nail-polish remover in her fish tank to give her goldfish more energy.
0:04:53 > 0:04:59That was the last time in her life that Claudia Winkleman wasted a single drop of make-up.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05To Clive, you're next.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10Right. I once had my wallet stolen by a walrus.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Where, where... What's the context?
0:05:16 > 0:05:22The context? It's not that long ago actually. I was in Greenland making a radio programme
0:05:22 > 0:05:24to look at Inuit ways of dealing with criminal justice.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- And what was the walrus...- Doing? - Why was he involved, this walrus?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30There was a sort of... I couldn't really call it a zoo.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34More a menagerie by the sea with a variety of animals there.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37And there was a sort of tame-ish walrus there.
0:05:37 > 0:05:43I had my wallet in my hand because I'd actually for once paid for something on a trip for the BBC.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46This will be implausible, obviously. I put it down and it picked it up
0:05:46 > 0:05:51as though it was going to eat it. and then dived in the water. And we never got the wallet back, so...
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Wait, wait, wait. I have many questions. What were you buying in this menagerie?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57You've got your wallet out to, what?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Wait... this was just to get in. I'd taken my wallet out to pay for...
0:06:00 > 0:06:02So, the walrus is right by the entrance?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I still had the wallet in my hand...
0:06:04 > 0:06:09- That's crazy.- Did you have to ring the card company to say "I've had me, I've had me...
0:06:09 > 0:06:14"Have they been stolen or lost?" "Well, sort of stolen, but it was a walrus."
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- Yes, yes.- "So, if there's any...
0:06:16 > 0:06:20"if there's any sort of transactions on it, they'll probably all be under sea."
0:06:20 > 0:06:25This may be a scam, for all I know, that they then dive down afterwards and, and Greenlander theft.
0:06:25 > 0:06:32Identify theft, that's what you're worried about? A walrus just walking about... Do you remember me?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35How did it take it? I mean, what bit?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37It was a sort of tame walrus and it sort of...
0:06:37 > 0:06:42- Could you, could you play me? Could you play...- OK, Clive, what do you want me to do?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- Do you want me to be you?- I think it's a very valuable re-enactment.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- Right, I'll be you. - You're just holding the wallet.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53- It went, and knocked it and grabbed it and then went into the water. - Knocked it and then grabbed it?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Flicked it out of your hand? - This is what I recall happening.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01And did you get... were you very badly splashed? Were you very grumpy about it? Or did you...
0:07:01 > 0:07:05- I was certainly grumpy about it. - I'll play you being grumpy.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06- Yeah, re-enact.- Oh!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09LAUGHTER
0:07:17 > 0:07:18David's team, what do you think?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Claudia? I can sense you're sceptical.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23When you pay for something you put your wallet back.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28You don't wander around a menagerie holding your wallet like some sort of ice cream cone.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32- I think it's got to be a lie. - And Jason?- I think it's a lie. - I think it's a lie.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37- So, you're going to say it's a lie? - We're going to say it's a lie. - Saying it's a lie. OK, Clive?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Ha! Ha! Ha! It's a lie.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Damn.
0:07:42 > 0:07:47Yes, it's a lie. Clive didn't once have his wallet stolen by a walrus.
0:07:47 > 0:07:53I once made love to a walrus, Barry White.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Always gets me in the mood.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Miranda is up next. Miranda, reveal all.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05One of my best friends at school was a little man I'd made from a slice of toast
0:08:05 > 0:08:07that I always kept in my bag.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- OK.- Yes, true.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Next question.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- What was his name?- Tim.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Tim Toast?- Tim the toast man.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23How did you make him?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I cut him. I cut actually cut...
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I actually figured him myself.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Scissors or a knife?
0:08:30 > 0:08:35- Scissors.- Scissors. So, you got a piece of toast... brown or white? Good question.- Brown.- Brown toast.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40- Was he buttered? - No, he wasn't buttered. That would be stupid, David.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46You make yourself a piece of toast. You butter it unthinkingly
0:08:46 > 0:08:50before it's, "Oh, no, that was the one I was to cut out and make a friend out of.
0:08:50 > 0:08:55"Now unfortunately I've buttered my friend. But now my friend will be more buttery, which is good."
0:08:55 > 0:09:01The fats in the butter would help preserve the friend from the mould which would otherwise develop.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Which is going to be the central part of my next question.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06How long did Tim last before he rotted?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10And what did you feel when you saw Tim, who you'd created, rotting?
0:09:10 > 0:09:14I stopped listening about ten minutes ago. What are you asking me?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I'm asking what happened about the rotting of Tim.
0:09:17 > 0:09:22- I don't remember a rotting. - How old were you when you made Tim? - Seven. Seven or eight.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27And how old were you when you stopped being interested in Tim?
0:09:27 > 0:09:3029.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34- What did he do, Tim? - Did you never have an imaginary friend, who was just...
0:09:34 > 0:09:38This wasn't an imaginary friend. This was a friend that happens to made out of piece of toast.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Did you make him, you know, in your own image?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I do remember designing big legs.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Because I wanted him to be a fast runner like what I was.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Where did Tim sleep?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53In the toaster.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Goodnight, Tim.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Morning!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07All right then, David's team, I think you've heard enough.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- What do you think, Claudia? - I think it's true.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I'd be very happy to make a small piece-of-toast friend.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- I think true. - I'm, I'm... I don't know.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19So, I'm happy to go with true, yes.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- You're saying it's true? - We're saying it's true.- OK, Miranda.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- Is it true or is it a lie? - It is in fact a...
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Well, done. It was a lie all along.
0:10:36 > 0:10:41One of Miranda's best friends at school was not a little man that she'd made from a slice of toast.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Well, it makes sense now.
0:10:43 > 0:10:49A little man who lives in a woman's handbag is both the plot of a charming children's story
0:10:49 > 0:10:52and grounds for committal to a psychiatric institution.
0:10:54 > 0:11:00Our next round is called The Ring Of Truth, in which I read out amazing celebrity facts.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03And all our teams have to do is decide whether they're true or not.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04What could be simpler?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Lee, take a look at this.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12- Have you ever met Jodie Marsh? - Yeah, I met her at a book signing.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14And that's clever... she wrote her own book.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16What do you want to do in life?
0:11:16 > 0:11:21I'd like to be like just like the next Jodie Marsh, and be like famous and that.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24And then when I've got too old to do that, I'd like to be a writer.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I like writing. I've already started writing my autobiography.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I know I'm dead young, but I'm just carrying on.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- What is your book called? - It's called Ups, Downs And Wishes.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38- Why?- Because it's got like all the ups in my life and all the downs and all the wishes.
0:11:43 > 0:11:50Is the premise of that show that the people interviewed are too boring to be interviewed by humans?
0:11:50 > 0:11:54They have to use a computer, because a human interviewing them would die of boredom.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Is she not your type?
0:11:58 > 0:12:03All right, here's the... here's the related fact, then, for Lee's team.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Now, is that true?
0:12:10 > 0:12:14What would Nelson Mandela do with a colouring book?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:12:15 > 0:12:20- Bit old for it.- He's more likely to give him a football or a shirt though, wouldn't he?
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Or something like that?
0:12:21 > 0:12:26- Or a pair of boots?- But he's 90. What's he going to do with the boots or the football?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Do you do David Beckham? Can you do his voice?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- HIGH-PITCHED:- I can do that sort of thing, yeah. Like that.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- Could you do it, then? Could you do it now?- I'm doing it...
0:12:34 > 0:12:36LAUGHTER
0:12:40 > 0:12:44For Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday in 2008 David Beckham sent this message.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- HIGH-PITCHED:- Mr Mandela...
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I'll do it nicely. I'll do it as Sean Connery.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Do it as Ronnie Corbett or Terry Wogan.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59- I'm joking.- Ronnie Corbett. - Terry Wogan. Do Frank Spencer.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03The message went like this.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08Rob, I think you... Probably safest, tell us first who it is, you know.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11And then we'll know.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I'm not going to say who it is.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18I'll just say he's a bit of a tit, OK? And then you go with it.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- IMITATES DAVID MITCHELL:- Mr Mandela, happy 90th birthday.
0:13:21 > 0:13:27Sorry I can't be with you, but I'm sure you'll have an amazing day.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- Lee's team, what's your guess? - I think it's not true.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I think he gave him something else.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41But I, I don't know why I say that.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I, I reckon that's true.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Truth, lie. I'm going to say true.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- You're saying it's true. - You're gripping...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52you're gripping the desk man, for goodness sake! It's a panel game.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- It's all right.- That's not the desk.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59You're saying true. Yes, it is true.
0:14:03 > 0:14:10David Beckham did give a copy of his own autobiography to Nelson Mandela as a Christmas present.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13As if the man hadn't suffered enough.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Not so much a long walk to a freedom.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16More a short walk to the bin.
0:14:16 > 0:14:23So, at the end of that round, David's team have two points and Lee's team have two points.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:14:32 > 0:14:34who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39This week each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:14:39 > 0:14:42And it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45So please welcome this week's special guest, Owen.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56So, Miranda Hart, what is Owen to you?
0:14:56 > 0:15:04- This is Owen and he stopped me attending his yoga classes because I couldn't stop laughing.- Right.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Lee?
0:15:05 > 0:15:10This is Owen. He's a professional juggler and he's teaching me to juggle.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15And, Clive, how do you know Owen?
0:15:15 > 0:15:20He is my builder and in fact he was working on my roof once and fell through it, while I was watching television.
0:15:20 > 0:15:26- Oh, my word! All right. David, where do you want to start? - Right, Clive. What was on TV?
0:15:26 > 0:15:30I'm afraid to say it was Richard And Judy. And this is what made it embarrassing.
0:15:30 > 0:15:35It was daytime telly. Owen I've known for quite a while. He's done a lot of building work for me.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38He used to make fun of the fact that sometimes I was at home.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I would explain that I was working. Sometimes the television would be on.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I'd have to explain, "I'm researching something."
0:15:44 > 0:15:49So, as he came through the ceiling you shouted, "There's an item on Inuit justice coming on the telly!"
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- And what was he doing on your roof? - My roof is a nightmare.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57So, I've had endless time with builders on the roof, including Owen.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- First his father.- He fell through.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00No, no, no.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03And his father before him and his father before him.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08He was pulling up the lead or the zinc that forms the valley gutter
0:16:08 > 0:16:11and was standing on the slates and unfortunately that created a hole
0:16:11 > 0:16:15and his legs came through and then eventually brought down the whole ceiling.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16- OK. Lee, Lee.- Yes.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21- So, you're looking to develop more showbiz skills?- Correct.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25What made you think juggling?
0:16:25 > 0:16:31My four-year-old son went to a children's party and said, "I saw a juggler today.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34"I wish you could juggle, Daddy."
0:16:34 > 0:16:38And I looked into that little boy's eyes...
0:16:40 > 0:16:43..and I... I said, "Son."
0:16:44 > 0:16:49I said, "Son, if you want to see your old daddy juggling," you know.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54- How many lessons have you had? - I look over at Rob and I see that he's got balls on his desk.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56And I would... thank you.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Oh, four? What about the seven clubs? Why don't I do that, Rob?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- I've had two lessons.- Surely you want to get Owen to do the juggling? - Him? He's a builder.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17I've only had two lessons so I'm just learning the basics as the moment.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21I admit I'm only throwing two.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28He's not a very good teacher.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30We've learnt absolutely nothing from that
0:17:30 > 0:17:34because if Lee did know how to juggle he would not now be juggling as well as he could.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- Good point.- Yeah, so. - So, what about Miranda's claim?
0:17:38 > 0:17:43- OK.- What's so funny about yoga? - A couple had joined our class.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46And they just got engaged and they wanted to tone pre-wedding.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50And they were very earnest. And that's when it started going wrong because they...
0:17:50 > 0:17:54- They were what made me laugh a lot. - What was it that they did that was...
0:17:54 > 0:18:00Well, the first thing was that when they did positions, they looked into each other's eyes quite earnestly.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02And I found that very funny.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06And then another time... Oh, we were doing the sun salutations...
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I don't know if you're aware of yoga.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14And Owen said, "And into downward dog," which was always amusing anyway.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20And the woman did the biggest fart.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23I would have got myself together I think there.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28But the fiance, he said very earnestly,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30"And there she blows."
0:18:30 > 0:18:32AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:18:35 > 0:18:37OK, we need an answer.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41So, David's team, is Owen Miranda's ex-yoga teacher,
0:18:41 > 0:18:47Lee's juggling coach or Clive's tumbling tradesman?
0:18:47 > 0:18:53I don't believe that Lee would just have juggling lessons just so he could look his son in the eye.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I believe... completely believe about Clive's roof.
0:18:56 > 0:19:03Is there many male yoga teachers? It seems a little bit of girl... like a girl's job.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06It's like the first time you've ever been out of the North.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- NORTHERN ACCENT:- Is there such a thing? Because it sounds to me like homosexuals.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15Do you know what? You always do this when I'm on this show.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19- You're from the North.- I thought I was from the North till I met you.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:24OK. I do need an answer, chaps.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Well, shall we go with Clive, then? - I think so.- Yeah.
0:19:27 > 0:19:34- Yeah.- So, you think that it's Clive's roofer, Owen. Would you like to reveal your true identity?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38I am actually a professional juggler and I've been teaching Lee.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47Fooled you, Mitchell. Look at these go. Look at these babies.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Here's the full shower, like that. There's the big finish.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Look at that.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56What about the kid, the kid's side of thing?
0:19:56 > 0:20:01My kid genuinely went to a birthday party and came home and said, "I saw a juggler.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- "It was the best thing I've ever seen and I wish you could do juggling, Daddy."- Oh!
0:20:05 > 0:20:10That's the kind of man I am, girls. So, if anyone's up for it...
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- I've blown it, haven't it?- When you hear things like that, it just adds to the mystery
0:20:15 > 0:20:17of why the social services took him away, doesn't it?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Yes, Owen is teaching Lee to juggle. Thank you very much, Owen.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,
0:20:33 > 0:20:38in which our panel is lying not only through their teeth but of course against the clock. Starting with...
0:20:38 > 0:20:40It's you, David.
0:20:40 > 0:20:45I was thrown out of a nightclub for refusing to stop dancing on a table.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- There we are. - What was the name of the nightclub?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53It was called Sindy's.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- This has taken on a whole new... - What sort of a...
0:20:58 > 0:21:03David couldn't think of a name and went, "Think of your dolls." Sindy's!
0:21:03 > 0:21:10- Why were you on the table? What was the occasion?- There was just a group of us went to this nightclub,
0:21:10 > 0:21:14you know, on a Saturday night I think. And got very pissed.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16When they said, "Please stop," what did you say back?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Hammer Time!
0:21:18 > 0:21:22And then he carried on.
0:21:25 > 0:21:31I think I was sort of, if you imagine this, in a slightly drunken state of self-righteousness.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33And I sort of thought I wasn't doing any harm.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37- What, what kind of music were you into then? - You know, whatever was on.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38What? A quite fast foxtrot?
0:21:41 > 0:21:45"This is going at some speed. I'm getting on the table."
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- No, it was... It was you know pop music, where they play...- Pop music?
0:21:52 > 0:21:56- The expression... - Something from the hit parade?
0:21:56 > 0:22:00No, no, no, no, no. The expression "pop music" is totally legitimate.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04It is not in the same category as talking about the hit parade.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09You can say pop music without turning to tweed.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- Lee, it's time to reach a decision. - Miranda, what is our decision?
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Well, I've seen David drunk many times, but I've never seen him dance before.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- You think it's a lie? - I think it's a lie.- It so has to be a lie.- It's got to be a lie.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30I, I thought it was a lie when he said, "Once in a nightclub..." I, I... my shutters went down.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34You're saying it's a lie. David, is it the truth or is it a lie?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36It is a lie.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Next it's Jason.- All right.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50I once put out a fire using my neighbour's milk.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Lee's team,
0:22:53 > 0:22:57- is that possible?- Was it a... was it a very small fire?
0:22:57 > 0:23:04It was, it was, you know, a fire. Say, say for example that desk was on fire. It was about the big.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07And it wasn't just one neighbour's. It was about 15 neighbours'.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- 15 neighbours?- 15 neighbours? What time of day was this?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15In the morning, when the milk came.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20- All of your neighbours were up early enough to bring the milk in? - It was a Saturday.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22It was a Saturday, you're having a lie in.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25And you get double milk because of the Sunday, you know.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27So, what was on fire, please?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30On like a... On like a field there was like some dried grass.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33So, it's a bonfire, then?
0:23:33 > 0:23:37No, it just sort of... we just thought, "Oh, look at that dried grass. Let's set it on fire."
0:23:37 > 0:23:40And you know that's what you do when you're 25.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- I think we were about eight or nine. - But basically you're an arsonist. You started the fire.- Yes.
0:23:46 > 0:23:52And then stole some milk in order to put it out, when it could have just burnt out quite happily on it's own.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- There was no need really to pour... - Yeah, but at eight, I mean, I've not got this knowledge of fire.
0:23:56 > 0:24:02- I'd seen three episodes of London's Burning. I don't know how it works. - I'm not sure that adds up, Jason.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06- How long's London's Burning been on? - You can believe him. He's seen London's Burning.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I'm not sure London's Burning the programme was on...
0:24:09 > 0:24:13- So, you are disputing when London's Burning first came onto our screens?- Yes.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Right. Jason was born in 1981.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20So, he is alleging that by 1989 London's Burning was already on television. I believe him.
0:24:20 > 0:24:221981?
0:24:24 > 0:24:291981? He looks like me uncle.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34- Anyway, can we get back to the story that we're...- Yes.- Yes.- How far did you have to go to get the milk?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I was a kid. I didn't measure it. I mean, about 12 and half metres.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- About 12 and a half metres? - 12 and half metres.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Why didn't you just knock at the door and say "The field's on fire?"
0:24:46 > 0:24:51- That would be admitting...- Yeah. - ..there was a fire. Whereas in this instance the only thing that happened
0:24:51 > 0:24:54was a milkman got sacked for not delivering milk.
0:24:54 > 0:25:00Just to clarify, before we say our decision, how many bottles of milk to put out the fire?
0:25:00 > 0:25:05- 15, I think.- Ah, 15.- 15, 10. - Well, I'll tell you about your earlier answer which was 15 houses.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07And on a Saturday they got double milk.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13He's very fair minded.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16He took one pint from each house.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19What are you going to say, Lee? What are you going for?
0:25:19 > 0:25:24- I don't know now.- The whole answer is delivered in such an implausible and frankly guilty sounding way.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26What do you think, Miranda?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I think it's a truth.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Jason, where were you... where were you brought up?
0:25:31 > 0:25:35- Manchester.- I was brought up round Manchester and I can imagine you saying, "Let's go in there
0:25:35 > 0:25:40"and set fire to a field." Believable. The bit where you go, "Oh, no, that's a bit big.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44"Better put it out with some milk and be good citizens," doesn't really add up.
0:25:44 > 0:25:49- So, what are you going to plump for? - You're saying the truth? - Truth.- You're saying a lie?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- Yeah.- I'll go with Miranda and say we think that's the truth.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55You're saying it's the truth. OK. So, Jason, is it the truth?
0:25:55 > 0:25:59It is a true.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Next, Claudia Winkleman.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Ah! Oh, possession.
0:26:11 > 0:26:16- There's a box just behind the stage there, Claudia, if you'd like to get it.- Bear with me.
0:26:16 > 0:26:22- Take out its contents. - OK. In here is my pet cat
0:26:22 > 0:26:25from when I was little. And my dad had her stuffed for me when she died.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Here she is.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Want to just pop her on the desk there, Claudia.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Was she run over?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Did you want your father to stuff your cat?
0:26:42 > 0:26:46No, but I was so devastated and so upset that she died.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51So, my dad as a present gave her to me all stuffed. And she came to my wedding.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Sorry, sorry. Came to your wedding?
0:26:55 > 0:27:00I think, Lee, not of her own accord.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Was she a bridesmaid and came down on a trolley down the aisle?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Can you just remind us again how your poor little cat died?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Yes. Well, she got sick.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14And were you pleased with this dead cat?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17I was very pleased because she's sort of lucky.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- Like if you're anyone near her... - She's lucky?
0:27:23 > 0:27:27I would hate to see what happened to the unlucky one.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31- What are we saying?- I want this to be true because it'll be funnier... it will be funnier if it is.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34I just don't, I just don't believe Claudia...
0:27:34 > 0:27:35even in Claudia's world...
0:27:35 > 0:27:42- which I, which I love. However, this is a step too far. I just don't believe.- Miaow.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44That's pretty convincing(!)
0:27:46 > 0:27:50What the hell? She looks like a very lovely but slightly unstable woman
0:27:50 > 0:27:55- and I am going to say that that's true.- You're saying it's true. OK, Claudia, is it true or is it a lie?
0:27:55 > 0:28:00- It is indeed a lie. I hate cats! - Oh, what a shame.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06It's a lie.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09It's not Claudia's pet cat that was stuffed when it died.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12I considered having my own cat stuffed.
0:28:12 > 0:28:17But I prefer to remember him peacefully attached to the grille of that Hyundai as it sped away.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20It's what he would have wanted.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21BUZZER
0:28:21 > 0:28:26That noise signals time's up. It's the end of the show and I can reveal David's team have three points.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29But Lee's team have romped to victory with seven.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
0:28:32 > 0:28:36Of course, it's not just a team game.
0:28:36 > 0:28:42And my individual liar of the week is Claudia Winkleman.
0:28:42 > 0:28:49Yes, it goes to show being as mad as a bag full of chimps had to come in handy sooner or later. Goodnight.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:06 > 0:29:09E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk