0:00:23 > 0:00:29'Tonight on Would I Lie To You, always a fun show, it's Frankie Boyle.
0:00:29 > 0:00:34'Hot from The One Show, it's Christine Bleakley.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37'And their team captain, Lee Mack.
0:00:37 > 0:00:44'And facing them tonight, he edited The Sun, it's Kelvin MacKenzie.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48'He lives with his mum, comedian Jack Whitehall.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52And their team captain, David Mitchell.
0:00:52 > 0:00:57'And here's your host, Rob Brydon!'
0:01:01 > 0:01:08Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show where liars always prosper.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13A recent survey revealed that one of the most common lies is, "How nice to see you,"
0:01:13 > 0:01:16as in the sentence, "How nice to see you, Lee."
0:01:16 > 0:01:21Another really common lie is, "Sorry to bother you,"
0:01:21 > 0:01:25as in, "Sorry to bother you, Rob." "No. Come in, Lee.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28"How nice to see you(!)"
0:01:28 > 0:01:30And last year, a British couple divorced
0:01:30 > 0:01:35after the husband lied about a relationship with a girl in cyberspace.
0:01:35 > 0:01:40I met a girl in cyberspace, Glitterbabe22, and we started chatting,
0:01:40 > 0:01:44eventually ended up having cybersex.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46It turns out we had a lot in common in real life.
0:01:46 > 0:01:52I was the host of Would I Lie To You? And she was a team captain on Would I Lie To You?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57And so to round one, Home Truths,
0:01:57 > 0:02:01where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:02:01 > 0:02:06To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10It's up to the opposing team to sift the fact from the fiction, and Christine is first.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Christine, please reveal all.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15OK.
0:02:15 > 0:02:21Anton Du Beke and I danced our way out of a parking ticket.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23There we are. David's team, what do you think?
0:02:23 > 0:02:27So a traffic warden was about to give you a parking ticket
0:02:27 > 0:02:30and you did a dance for him or her, and he said, "All right.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"I'll let you off." Is that it?
0:02:33 > 0:02:34That's the gist of the story.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39- Whereabouts? - It was outside Harvey Nichols.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- But you can't park outside Harvey Nichols.- She got a ticket!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47I love you!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50It won't take long.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55- So whose car was it?- It was in his car. Well, he has a driver.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Oh, right. So his chauffeur.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03- Did he join in with the dance, the chauffeur?- No, no, he didn't. - What kind of dance was it?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06It was a little bit of a foxtrot.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11He's a ballroom guy, you see. And waltz was my best dance on Strictly, so it was a bit of ballroom.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16- Does Anton Du Beke try to dance his way out of every traffic violation? - I would say probably!
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Was it an Italian traffic warden who watched what you were doing and went,
0:03:20 > 0:03:24"You were fast. You were furious. You're back, you're forward, you're up!"
0:03:24 > 0:03:28I'm doing Bruno Tonioli from Strictly Come Dancing.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33- I think you look a bit like the gentleman in question, don't you? - The traffic warden?- No.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37- No. You look like Anton Du Beke. - It has been commented on.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42- Why don't you demonstrate with Rob how the dance went?- Go on.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- APPLAUSE - Oh, all right, then.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46It's like this.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48It certainly is now!
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- I've got to get quite close to you.- Go as close as you like.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- We have to touch bodies, OK? - Oh, something's touching.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Can I just say, that's...that's my phone.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03A little bit of this, I have to stick my head...
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- You go the other way. That's it.- No, I do not!
0:04:07 > 0:04:11There was a little bit of this, a little bit of waltzing,
0:04:11 > 0:04:15but it involves moving your feet, a little bit like that, but not quite.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Well done!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Superb!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Now what do you reckon, then,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- David? What do you think?- Kelvin.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I don't believe a word of it.
0:04:31 > 0:04:37I don't believe that there is a generous-spirited traffic warden anywhere in the world.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- Dan, what do you think?- I think he's telling the truth
0:04:39 > 0:04:44because I know when she's being dishonest because I watch The One Show every day,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47and I've seen your face laughing at Adrian Chiles's jokes.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I think she's telling the truth.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- You think she's telling the truth, and you think she's lying.- I do.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58My instinct is I think it's a lie.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02You think it's a lie. OK. Christine, is it the truth, or is it a lie?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05It is in fact...a lie.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I did well! Didn't I do well?
0:05:07 > 0:05:14It's a lie! Christine and Anton Du Beke did not dance their way out of a parking ticket.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18I mean, no-one who saw Christine dance would believe that!
0:05:18 > 0:05:21If anything, they'd probably increase the fine.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Jack, you're next.
0:05:23 > 0:05:30Every Christmas, my dad makes the whole family stand up to watch the Queen's Speech.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- Lee's team, what do you think? - How many is in your family?
0:05:34 > 0:05:38There's, uh, two brothers and sisters and then two parents.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- You look like you're lying about that.- No, just trying to remember.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46So he makes the you all stand for the Queen's Speech? Not just the National Anthem at the beginning,
0:05:46 > 0:05:51- the actual...- The whole speech. So when it goes on, we're all, "Go on. Hurry up, old woman."
0:05:51 > 0:05:54"Old woman," he doesn't like us referring to her as that either.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59- Right.- Is that the only thing on Christmas Day that's got some sort of physical challenge element to it?
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Or do you have to hop throughout Indiana Jones?
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- There's just the standing for the Queen's Speech. - But why would that be?
0:06:07 > 0:06:11He's quite old-fashioned. He's living in a kind of like time warp.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14He's quite an old dad, and he's one of those people,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17like, he'll buy Spam and sit in the cellar because he misses the blitz.
0:06:17 > 0:06:22He's like, he still thinks he's living in a bygone era.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24How old is he, Jack?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- He's 69 today, actually. - How old are you?- 20.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32So basically, if you're 20 and your dad's 69,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35at the point that he conceived you, he must have thought,
0:06:35 > 0:06:39"There is a significant risk that this will kill me."
0:06:39 > 0:06:45Are you allowed to speak during the speech at all, or is it very much, this is 15 minutes of silence?
0:06:45 > 0:06:50- Did you say 50 minutes of silence? Is that the director's cut?- 15.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55It's actually, it's ten at most, and they pad it out with music and handshaking.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58In terms of actual facts she's conveying,
0:06:58 > 0:07:03it's still five-and-a-half minutes, if you ask me. And she talks slowly.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05She's bad at it. It's a shit programme!
0:07:05 > 0:07:10Did you see when the Queen met Obama? And it was amazing.
0:07:10 > 0:07:16You saw her face thinking, "Please don't talk to my husband."
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Obama said about the Queen that he thought that she was surprisingly knowledgeable about politics,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23and she was clearly thinking, "Nelson Mandela's looking well!"
0:07:28 > 0:07:31So, Lee, what are you thinking?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35- What do you think, Frankie? - It sort of depends on how posh we think he is.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I think Jack is quite posh.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39He is quite posh, isn't he?
0:07:39 > 0:07:43He sounds like a Korean man begging for help after a traffic accident.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48He's got that almost incomprehensible poshness about him.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53Sorry. Is that what conjures up poshness to you, more than anything else?
0:07:53 > 0:07:58An injured Korean, that sounds to you incredibly posh?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01To be honest, I can't understand a word you're saying.
0:08:03 > 0:08:08Do you, Jack, do you get to a point where you're so posh that you do without hairbrushes?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I file my debts...
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Those protest things where they go on the marches and stuff,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16the only one I've ever been on was fox-hunting,
0:08:16 > 0:08:20and there were people going around saying, "This is a real cause,
0:08:20 > 0:08:25"and there are more names on the pro-fox-hunting petition than there are on the anti one."
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I thought, "Yeah, because most people that sign it have triple-barrelled surnames."
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Foxes are a great way to tell class, aren't they?
0:08:31 > 0:08:36Because if you see a fox in your back garden, if you're upper class, you get on a horse and chase it.
0:08:36 > 0:08:42If you're a middle-class person, you get your children to do a picture of it, maybe send it to Blue Peter.
0:08:42 > 0:08:47And if you're working class, you beat it to death with a shovel and use it to make soup.
0:08:50 > 0:08:55- So, Lee, it's time to come down on one side or the other. - So what do we think?
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- Is he telling the truth? - I think yeah, he's probably telling the truth.- Do you think?- Yeah.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Mmm. I think he's posh enough to be telling the truth.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- We think he's telling the truth. - They're saying it's the truth.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- Jack, are you telling the truth, or are you telling them a BIG lie? - It is...
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- I'm going to stand. ..true. - APPLAUSE
0:09:16 > 0:09:22True. Every Christmas, Jack's dad does make the whole family stand up
0:09:22 > 0:09:27to watch the Queen's Speech. My father made us stand one Christmas.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30He'd pawned our sofa to pay his gambling debts.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Happy Christmas, Dad. A child doesn't forget these things.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Frankie, you're next.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42When I was a child, I was scared that my entire life was a book
0:09:42 > 0:09:47being read by a bear, and one day...
0:09:47 > 0:09:51the bear would close the book and my life would end.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59The first question is, what on earth made you stop thinking that?
0:09:59 > 0:10:03I grew older and more rational. I thought...
0:10:03 > 0:10:10- That's a matter of opinion! - What age were you
0:10:10 > 0:10:14when this rather peculiar thought came to you?
0:10:14 > 0:10:19Quite early. But then, you know, up until I was maybe seven or eight, I was quite afraid of that.
0:10:19 > 0:10:24So in a way your interior monologue was in the voice of a gruff bear?
0:10:24 > 0:10:31I thought that there was a chance that my life was simply a fiction.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33We've all felt that, haven't we?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Yeah, but not in a bear society.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37What does the bear look like?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Was he a little cartoony bear, or did he look very natural, like a natural bear?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45He was reading a book, so he didn't look that natural.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48It came from a story book I had which was called Tell Me Another Story,
0:10:48 > 0:10:53- and it was about a bear reading stories to his little bears.- Did you have any relationship with him?
0:10:53 > 0:10:58- Did you converse with him, or was he just reading? - You can't converse with him!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00He's in the bear's world.
0:11:00 > 0:11:06You can't jump out of the book that is your life and talk to the person reading it, can you?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- You can't say, "Why is this happening, Bear?"- No!
0:11:09 > 0:11:14Otherwise, the bear's just going to go, "And then why is this happening, Bear?" said Frankie Boyle.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"I don't like this bit of the story. I'll stop reading it, shall I?"
0:11:17 > 0:11:20"No, no, no!" screamed Frankie Boyle, "Don't stop reading the story,
0:11:20 > 0:11:24"or it is the end of my life... This is definitely not suitable for little bears!"
0:11:24 > 0:11:27APPLAUSE
0:11:27 > 0:11:30David, time to make a decision.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33All right. Well, what do you think?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I think it's a massive whopper.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I really want it to be true, so I'm going to say true, because I think it could be.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- I think it's true.- A creative mind.
0:11:41 > 0:11:47I do think it's true, because it's a very odd thing for them to have made up.
0:11:47 > 0:11:53- So you're going to go for true? - Yeah, I think we're going to go for true.- You're saying it's true.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54You say that it's true.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Frankie, were you telling the truth?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00It's a lie.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05It's a lie.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10When Frankie was a child, he wasn't scared that his entire life was a book being read by a bear.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13A Chinese philosopher once asked me,
0:12:13 > 0:12:18"Am I a man dreaming he's a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he's a man?"
0:12:18 > 0:12:23And I replied, "Do I get free crackers if my order comes to more than £10?"
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Our next round is called The Ring of Truth,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30in which I read out some amazing celebrity facts
0:12:30 > 0:12:34and all our teams have to do is decide whether they're true or not.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36David's team, take a look at this.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41'At a terraced house in Ramsgate, a family settle down to watch the television,
0:12:41 > 0:12:42'but the pictures on screen
0:12:42 > 0:12:46'are from a rather special, but unusual, event.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48'The people here are watching their granny's ashes
0:12:48 > 0:12:50'being blasted into the sky.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54'Her family say she was slightly eccentric, with a great sense of humour.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59'It was her stated wish that her ashes be placed in a rocket and blasted heavenwards.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01'This was the event itself.'
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Here we go. Here we go.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09All right, Granny!
0:13:12 > 0:13:19Yes, Granny's gone to a better place...next door's garden.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Well, here is the related fact, then, for David's team.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34They offered Mick Jagger and it seems too good an opportunity
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- to waste. - IMITATES MICK JAGGER:- Mick Jagger!
0:13:38 > 0:13:43It's not up there with my Ronnie Corbett, I'm not going to say for a second that it is,
0:13:43 > 0:13:49- but it was worth an airing.- But what would Ronnie Corbett sound like if he was singing a Mick Jagger song?
0:13:49 > 0:13:54- IMITATES RONNIE CORBETT: - Ha-ha! I can't get no satisfaction.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Don't try and look like you weren't pleased to be asked!
0:14:07 > 0:14:08All right. On we go.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Um, an Australian novelty firm called Trend Connection,
0:14:11 > 0:14:16they were the ones, they offered Mick Jagger £20 million for his ashes.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21And the plan was for a share of the profits to go back to Mick Jagger's estate.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25On top of the £20 million? Oh, does he get the £20 million...?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- He gets it now.- Now, before dying?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Yes.- And they just sort of hang around with some paraffin and...
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Well, these things were going to be...
0:14:32 > 0:14:36They asked Jagger's permission to market small portions of his ashes
0:14:36 > 0:14:40in collectible hourglasses costing 1 million each.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I mean, dignity hasn't always been that man's priority,
0:14:43 > 0:14:46but even for him, it is quite undignified
0:14:46 > 0:14:51to have your remains spread around the houses of a lot of vulgar millionaires
0:14:51 > 0:14:54and using it to time their breakfasts.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57So what are you going to say, then?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59What do you think, Kelvin?
0:14:59 > 0:15:03I think it's so ridiculous, it must be true.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Kelvin's been better at the guessing than me, so I think we should go with Kelvin.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08So we're going to go with true.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11You're saying it's true. All right.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Well, let me tell you this - it is true.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15APPLAUSE
0:15:15 > 0:15:20Mick Jagger has been asked by a company if they could sell
0:15:20 > 0:15:23his ashes in collectible egg timers when he dies.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Actually, Mick doesn't want to be cremated.
0:15:25 > 0:15:30He wants to decompose naturally, a process Keith Richards started 30 years ago.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER
0:15:32 > 0:15:35At the end of that round, it's Lee in the lead with three points to two.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36APPLAUSE
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Our next round is called This Is My..., where we bring
0:15:44 > 0:15:48on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the connection to the guest,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55and Lee's team spot who's telling the truth.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58So please welcome this week's special guest, Terry.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00APPLAUSE
0:16:05 > 0:16:09So, Kelvin, what is Terry to you?
0:16:09 > 0:16:16Well, this is Terry, and he built the nuclear bunker in my garden.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- All right. David?- This is Terry, and he's the policeman who was called out
0:16:20 > 0:16:24when I was caught trying to break into the window of my own flat.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26All right. And Jack?
0:16:26 > 0:16:32This is Terry, The Mean Machine, Fraser, and he is teaching me to wrestle.
0:16:32 > 0:16:37Right. So there we have it. Lee's team, where on earth do you begin?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Kelvin, how many people can fit into this bunker?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44I bet it's just one, you selfish git! "Sorry, love!"
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Four at a push.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50A push!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53So why do you want one in the first place?
0:16:53 > 0:16:58It's a dangerous world out there, and I want to be protected and I want to protect those closest to me.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03- If there's a nuclear war, I don't want to live. - Neither do I. I'm with you.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08I don't want to come out of a shelter and try and rebuild society.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11And find Kelvin MacKenzie skipping around saying, "I'm in charge!"
0:17:11 > 0:17:18I have no skills. I mean, society is destroyed by nuclear war.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Basically, we're back to the Bronze Age.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25How long is it going to be before people start pitching panel shows again?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28It's going to be at least 2,000 years.
0:17:28 > 0:17:34I can just see you in a Mad Max type of society as everyone's holding off a biker gang,
0:17:34 > 0:17:39and you're going, "I can think of an amusing reason why one of these four might be the odd one out."
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- So, Kelvin, there's four people that can fit in this bunker?- Yeah.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47So you only have three people in the world that you care about?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- That is true. - So there's us two and who else?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Ronnie Corbett, um...
0:17:56 > 0:18:02We can live for another 20 years at the world's shittest party!
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- OK, Jack, why are you learning how to wrestle? - Because I'm a big wrestling fan.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I've always liked wrestling.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- What kind of wrestling? - I like WWE.- WWE?!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Yeah, World Wrestling Entertainment.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Oh, I thought it was WWF. - Oh, it's changed now.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21They had to change it, because the World Wildlife Fund sued them. That's not a joke.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- That's why they had to change it. - Is that true?- Yeah.
0:18:23 > 0:18:29- Do you really like it?- Yeah, I do. I saw a man who was, like, 7'4" in little spandex undies,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31and I felt alive. It was amazing!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33How long have you been learning for?
0:18:33 > 0:18:37- I've done one lesson, but I'm going to do some more.- One lesson?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- It was good.- What are you learning for?- I want to be able to wrestle.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Who studies this as martial arts?
0:18:42 > 0:18:46You see all the posters, right - tae kwon do, karate, judo, whatever.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51"I'm going to go and learn how to wrestle like a big pretend American!"
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Jack, can you tell us the name of five famous wrestlers?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58The Rock, Hulk Hogan, the Undertaker...
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- Go on.- Shelton Benjamin.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07- That's a bloody solicitor's! - Shelton Benjamin is a wrestler!
0:19:07 > 0:19:14- Is he?- Please don't tell me that you've accidentally been represented in law by...
0:19:14 > 0:19:16All right, David, remind us again.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19This is Terry, the policeman, who was called out
0:19:19 > 0:19:23when I was caught trying to break into the window of my own flat.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- Do we believe that, Christine? - I can believe you were trying to break into
0:19:27 > 0:19:31your own flat for whatever bizarre reason, but I'm not so sure...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33To live there. To continue to live there.
0:19:33 > 0:19:40I locked myself out. I had a plumber round trying to unblock a drain.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45I find it difficult to imagine you holding a conversation with a plumber as he did the job.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- Did you actually speak to him in your house?- Yes.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Did you have a glove puppet on?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54"Ah, little David is very pleased with your work.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56"Would you like a cup of tea?"
0:19:56 > 0:20:01Your genuine view of me is I would be unable to converse with a plumber.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04I'd have to create another character.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06"Please excuse my mute friend.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10"You can't say a thing, can you?"
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Mmm-mmm. "Anyway, I'm in charge!
0:20:13 > 0:20:16"That sink no longer functions!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19"Silence, you!"
0:20:19 > 0:20:23You've not covered how the police got involved in this whole...
0:20:23 > 0:20:27A policeman, Terry, turned up, and I think had been called by a neighbour.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30All right. So we need an answer.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34So, Lee's team, is Terry Kelvin's bunker builder,
0:20:34 > 0:20:39David's investigating officer, or Jack's wrestling teacher?
0:20:39 > 0:20:47The only thing that's true about any of this is that I do believe that Jack might be into wrestling.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I reckon it's got to be Kelvin.
0:20:50 > 0:20:57He seems like the sort of paranoid nutcase who might have too much time on his hands.
0:20:57 > 0:21:02At the minute, I'm going to go with Kelvin. I think he might be telling the truth.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- I'll go with my team, then. - So you're saying it's Kelvin?
0:21:04 > 0:21:10OK. Right. Now, Terry, would you like to reveal your true identity?
0:21:10 > 0:21:11I'm Terry Fraser.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16I'm The Mean Machine, and I taught Jack how to wrestle.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17APPLAUSE
0:21:21 > 0:21:29Terry, The Mean Machine, Fraser, is teaching Jack to wrestle. Now, show us together what you can do.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- Are you ready for this?- I'm ready.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35This show gets more and more like The Generation Game!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- This is the basic slam. OK. Wait, wait, wait.- Whoa!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44AUDIENCE: Ohh!
0:21:50 > 0:21:51That's fine, Terry.
0:21:55 > 0:22:01Frankie, you're no longer the scariest person on the show. Are you OK?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Yeah! I think so.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I've done one lesson.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I'm not very good.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08I've got to be honest, you didn't win!
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Can I just ask, during the lesson, did you get the impression you were annoying Terry?
0:22:16 > 0:22:21So, at the end of that round, David's team have three points and Lee's team have three.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Which brings us to our final round, Quick-Fire Lies,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30in which our panellists lie against the clock.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Now, the scores are tied, so there's everything to play for.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36We start with... It's Lee.
0:22:36 > 0:22:43If you give me any date before the year 2000, I can instantly tell you what day of the week it was.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Bollocks.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51Is this something you learn, or is this a kind of, you know, Rain Man-type thing?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- No, no, I had to learn... - You learnt how to do it?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- I learnt the system. - What's the system?
0:22:56 > 0:23:01The system is, what you do is you actually just learn...
0:23:02 > 0:23:08- You learn one...- You're sitting there trying to think of a system, and what you're plumping for is,
0:23:08 > 0:23:11you actually just learn what day of the week every day is.
0:23:11 > 0:23:19You can't go back to 14BC, but I can do it right the way back to the sort of 1920s, 1930s,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22and what you do is you learn a midway, so you learn one particular point in 1955,
0:23:22 > 0:23:26three months in 1955, you learn it off by heart, those 90 days,
0:23:26 > 0:23:29and then there's a calculation you can do...
0:23:29 > 0:23:31What's that calculation?
0:23:31 > 0:23:36Take a day from your expert period, around Suez or whenever it was.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- Well, you'd have to give me the exact year...- I don't mind.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44- Right, the 14th of May, 1955. - Hang on. The 14th of May 1955...
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Tuesday.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53And so how do you extrapolate from your knowledge of that
0:23:53 > 0:23:56to go back to the 1920s to the 23rd of June, 1927?
0:23:56 > 0:24:01Dead simple. It's seven - hang on - to the power of two.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06Then you take away 10%, unless it's a leap year.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08And is it a leap year, 1955?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Of course not, you idiot. I was 54.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Of course...
0:24:13 > 0:24:15This one - did you hear that?
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Is '55 a leap year? Did you hear that?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24He's Oxbridge-educated!
0:24:24 > 0:24:28None of the years is a leap year. Seven to the power of two...
0:24:28 > 0:24:33- Seven to the power of two is 49. Minus 10%.- So you've got 44.1.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- Correct. I was going to say that. - That's not a day of the week, that's 44.1.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40It is. If you round it up or round it down, which is 44.
0:24:40 > 0:24:4644, key of the door, 21 - two and one is three, Sunday's the first day. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Well done!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50APPLAUSE
0:24:50 > 0:24:53So, David, you think it's true?
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- I think it's true.- I think it's a lie.- I think it's clever. I think it's true.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59We all know what day of week we were born on
0:24:59 > 0:25:03and if you tell me your date of birth, I'll tell you what day.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- OK. 14th of July, 1974. - Is that your birthday?- Yeah.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11You were born on a...Thursday.
0:25:15 > 0:25:21- Looking at the demographic of this audience, this will be a shock - 22/10/46.- BC!
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- Do you know the day of the week you were born?- No. - Well, that's handy. Thursday.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Lie.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34You're saying it's a lie. OK, Lee, are you telling a lie?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Of course I'm telling a lie.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45Yes, it's a lie. Next...Christine.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51LAUGHTER
0:25:51 > 0:25:58A Coronation Street star once made me remove all the red M&Ms from a bowl for him.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Which Coronation Street star? My mum watches this, so I'm good.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Adam Rickitt.- Adam Rickitt.
0:26:04 > 0:26:10I should tell you that Adam Rickitt played Gail Tilsley's son.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Oh, right. Well, that's really figured it for me.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Didn't he go off to Canada, or... He went off, didn't he?
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I don't watch it, my darling. They just told me.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- I've never worked with such a bunch of snobs in my life.- I know!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31In what context did you meet him?
0:26:31 > 0:26:37I met him when he was a guest on a show in BBC Northern Ireland.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39So what were you doing on the show?
0:26:39 > 0:26:43I was working behind the scenes, which is what I used to do.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- What as?- A floor manager.
0:26:45 > 0:26:51You did make the move from being a studio manager to in front of the screen, didn't you?
0:26:51 > 0:26:55- Yep, yes.- She hasn't made the move in front of the screen. That would be annoying.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00You're going, "Christine, love, would you get out of the way, please?"
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Er, what do you think?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- Lie.- And you?- Go on, then. What do you think?- I think it's a lie.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Well, my views don't count, then, do they?
0:27:09 > 0:27:14You're saying lie. OK. Christine, true or lie?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16It is actually true.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19APPLAUSE
0:27:21 > 0:27:26How did this request come through to you? What did he say?
0:27:26 > 0:27:30You see, we get rider lists, for sort of big names.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32What's on your rider list?
0:27:32 > 0:27:35This is when I'm on tour - flapjacks, raspberries,
0:27:35 > 0:27:40a Diet Coke, two still mineral waters, grapes and blueberries.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Rock 'n' roll, Rob, rock 'n' roll.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- You don't look like this without effort! - LAUGHTER
0:27:47 > 0:27:51What a very particular list of things.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53That's why it's a LIST, Frankie.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57What's on your rider? Six cans of bitter and a knife!
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Six cans of bitter for a teetotal alcoholic.
0:28:03 > 0:28:08Only Frankie Boyle could complain that I said bitter and not mention the knife!
0:28:09 > 0:28:13SCOTTISH ACCENT: "I'll take the knife, but don't accuse me of drinking!"
0:28:13 > 0:28:16- BUZZER SOUNDS - That means only one thing. It is the end of the show.
0:28:16 > 0:28:24And I can reveal that David's team have five, and in what we call a tie, Lee's team have five.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:30But of course, it's not just a team game,
0:28:30 > 0:28:36and my individual liar of the week this week is Kelvin MacKenzie.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38APPLAUSE
0:28:38 > 0:28:46It's Kelvin's biggest award since Elton John's £1,000,000 damages against him in 1987. Goodnight!
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:04 > 0:29:07E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk