0:00:21 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Good evening, everybody and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
0:00:32 > 0:00:35the show that tests our panellists' ability to lie.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38On Lee Mack's team tonight, we have a rock star physicist,
0:00:38 > 0:00:43which means he can throw a TV out of the window whilst calculating its speed and trajectory.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46From wonders of the solar system, it's Professor Brian Cox.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:48 > 0:00:52And a young Scottish comedian, who is the funniest thing to happen to Glasgow
0:00:52 > 0:00:57since it was named European Capital of Culture, Kevin Bridges.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:59 > 0:01:02And on David Mitchell's team, someone who spent
0:01:02 > 0:01:06the last three years in a coma, reliving the Eighties.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08No, it's not Bruce Forsyth.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10From Ashes To Ashes, Keeley Hawes.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:13 > 0:01:18And a comedy actor who went to university with Rachel Weisz
0:01:18 > 0:01:23and Sam Mendes, so he's perfectly comfortable in the company of major stars.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27This will be a bit different for you, tonight. It's Stephen Mangan.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:29 > 0:01:32And so to Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists
0:01:32 > 0:01:35each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39They've not seen the card, so have no idea what they will be faced with.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42It's up to the opposing team to sort fact from fiction.
0:01:42 > 0:01:48And first up is the mighty Stephen "Mango" Mangan.
0:01:48 > 0:01:54Right, "I have nicknames for both my big toes".
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Lee's team, what do you think?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- What are their nicknames? - Leslie and Scruple.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04- And what?- Scruple.- Scruple? - Yeah.- Why Scruple?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Leslie was a, um, this is... Leslie was the nickname
0:02:08 > 0:02:12me and my first girlfriend had for our baby that we were going to have.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15We had plans to get married and have a kid and we were
0:02:15 > 0:02:18going to call it Leslie, as a joke, because it's a nice name,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20but we weren't actually going to call it Leslie.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25And then, one day, the foot was out the end of the bed and... This is so embarrassing!
0:02:25 > 0:02:28And you thought, "Let's try for that baby"?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34I said, "There it is" and she said, "You know, there's Leslie".
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- It was just a... It just stuck. - What about Scruple?
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Oh, this is ridiculous. There was a kind of.... She was very religious
0:02:40 > 0:02:44and she used to believe there was an angel, you had an angel of...
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Do you want a minute to think about this?
0:02:47 > 0:02:52You have a good angel and a bad angel on your shoulder who, when you're about to do something
0:02:52 > 0:02:56awful, will say, "Don't do it or do do it", sort of, you know...
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Or go on TV saying you've got a nickname for your toe?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03- So Leslie, our baby, we wanted it... - Your big toe, let's be realistic.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06We wanted it to have the good angel to be dominant.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10We wanted Leslie to have scruples, so the other toe became Scruple.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15- It was Leslie's kind of conscience. - This is how religions get started.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20If he just made that up, he's an absolute genius.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I imagine it's probably true.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26What are you saying then, Lee?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- It's got to be true. - You think it's got to be true?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- It's got to be true. Got to be. - Kevin?- I think it's true.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- It's true.- And you think it's true? - I do.- And you're a professor.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- Do we call you doctor or professor? - Whatever you like.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- So what are you going to say?- I'll say true.- You're saying true.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Stephen Mangan, is it true or is it a lie?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45It is...
0:03:45 > 0:03:47a lie.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51APPLAUSE
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Well done. Very good.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Yes, it's a lie.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Stephen does not have nicknames for both his big toes.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Be a bit weird to give your body parts silly names,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03as I said to my Lee Mack in the bath, just the other day.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07My penis.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11LAUGHTER
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Keeley Hawes is next.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19I lied to my husband that I was good at tennis
0:04:19 > 0:04:23and had to have secret lessons when he arranged a doubles match.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Oh. All right, there we are. Lee?
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Why would you lie about that?
0:04:28 > 0:04:34- Because he wasn't my husband at the time and I was trying to... - Woo him?- Woo him.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38He's very sporty, so I told him I could ski...
0:04:38 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- ..told him I could play tennis... - Did he ask you skiing?- He took me.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Did you have to learn to ski?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49It was truly terrible. Somebody called Yust taught me to ski.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- Yust?- I can recommend Yust.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Skiing!
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Yes, so I went and booked some lessons.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04- What was the instructor called? - Oh, God, I can't remember.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07And yet Yust... Like that.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Yeah, but Yust was like...
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Keeley, Keeley, keep it together, it's falling apart.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Yeah, no, I can't remember.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21What was the first thing you learned on the tennis court?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- How to bounce the ball. - And how do you bounce the ball?
0:05:27 > 0:05:33- Like that.- That was a quick bounce. - Well, it's only that big and it's only there to there.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Tell her gravity would have taken it a bit longer.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Were you playing on the Moon?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41It's not just gravity, you can give a bit of force.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- You can impart an impulse to it, yeah.- That's it!
0:05:47 > 0:05:51- The rate of change of momentum is proportional...- Don't push it!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Did you, ah, did you win?
0:05:54 > 0:06:02- I got there and I feigned... an ankle problem.- What problem?
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Because I saw, when I got there, how good they were going to be.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- So...- It was to impress him. I didn't think he'd start involving other people.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Is he a man for involving other people, in general?
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Hang on a minute. Brian, we're not at a physicists' convention now.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24We'll keep this clean, please.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29Now, listen here, listen here, did your husband ever find out about these secret lessons?
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- I told him.- You came clean. - I came clean on the night
0:06:33 > 0:06:39that I made him dinner, pretending that I'd cooked it, and then he...
0:06:39 > 0:06:42LAUGHTER
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Your whole life is a fabrication!
0:06:43 > 0:06:49I gave it to him in the dark, then he found the Tesco Express box.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Oh, no. - And then it all came out.- Did it?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I said, "I can't play tennis and I can't cook".
0:06:55 > 0:06:56"My name's not Jeff."
0:06:58 > 0:06:59And, um...
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- So what are you going to say? Truth or lie?- Kevin, true or lie?
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- I think it's true.- You think it's true?- I'd believe that. - What do you think?- True.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- I'll say it's true. - So you're saying it's true?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Oh, all right. Keeley, truth or lie?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17It's absolutely
0:07:17 > 0:07:19true.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Well done, team. I doubted that one.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23APPLAUSE
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Yes, it's true.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Keeley did lie to her husband that she was good at tennis
0:07:28 > 0:07:31and had to have secret lessons when he arranged a doubles match.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I had a relationship go wrong because I couldn't play tennis,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38but I should never have told that bloke I was Sue Barker.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Kevin, you're next.
0:07:45 > 0:07:51- I once accidentally bought a horse. - Sorry? You bought a what?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- A horse.- A horse. Sorry, I missed the s.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58LAUGHTER
0:07:58 > 0:08:01You once accidentally bought a horse, am I right?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- You're right.- Fine. We're all clear.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Under what circumstances? What did you think you were buying?
0:08:06 > 0:08:12Erm... I never thought I was buying anything, I thought I was renting.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15LAUGHTER
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Did you think you were renting a horse?
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- Yes.- So you paid to rent a horse and then at the end when you tried
0:08:27 > 0:08:30to return the horse they said, "What the hell are you doing?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35"I've been trying to get rid of Psycho for years."
0:08:36 > 0:08:38That's pretty much it.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41How long did you imagine you were going to rent it for?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- We thought we were going to rent it for 25 minutes. - Did they charge you..?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51It was in Bulgaria, on holiday.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54OK, and what did it cost in local Bulgarian currency?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56What is the local Bulgarian currency?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Er...
0:08:58 > 0:09:02LAUGHTER
0:09:02 > 0:09:08It was...it was 200 Lev. Lev. L-E-V. I don't know how you pronounce it.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13- How much is that in sterling, roughly?- Roughly...- At the time.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18At the time, I think about £90, so we thought it was a good deal.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- £90 for 25 minutes. - For 25 minutes on a horse.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25- But you said, "We thought we were going to rent it for 25 minutes. - There was me and my friend.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30- It was a lad's holiday. We were 18 and thought, "We'll go horse riding. - In Bulgaria?
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Did you question the odd sort of time slots they were going for?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I mean, I've never gone pony trekking, but I imagine
0:09:37 > 0:09:41they sort of rent you the horse for perhaps a couple of hours. Or at least a solid half hour.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45You get 25 minutes, then the horse needs a break for five minutes...
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Then you keep the horse forever.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- Well, I never knew that. - What happened when you tried to take it back?
0:09:51 > 0:09:55The guy explained to us that... The guy was gone.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"The guy explained to us that he'd gone"?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06There were two different guys.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10You have to go through me if you want to speak to my client today.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16- There was Guy A. Guy A.- Guy A? That's a Bulgarian name. - It's very well known.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18The most famous Bulgarian name.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22The guy, Dimitri, I think that... No, Guy A...
0:10:22 > 0:10:23LAUGHTER
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- And Guy B, right?- Right.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29We thought we were going horse riding and we were heading towards
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- the place where you actually hire the horse...- Stables!
0:10:36 > 0:10:39The stables, right?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I think he's making it up and I'm on his team.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Bit of patience, Brian, come on.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51We met a guy on the way who had a horse and we thought he was doing
0:10:51 > 0:10:54that thing in Asda when you've got a shopping trolley,
0:10:54 > 0:10:58you're taking it back, somebody else needs a trolley and you say, "Want this one?"
0:11:00 > 0:11:03So we thought the guy was saying...
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- "No need to go all the way to the stable. I'm from the stable..." - Yeah.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08"So just hire this horse..."
0:11:08 > 0:11:09- That's what the guy said.- Yeah.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13So there was a bit of a communication breakdown.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18There was a Bulgarian guy trying to speak English and two Scottish guys trying to speak English,
0:11:18 > 0:11:23so we thought the guy had given us the horse to ride and come back...
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Were you not surprised? I mean, I've never been on holiday to Bulgaria,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30but I imagine that things would be a bit cheaper in Bulgaria than in Britain.
0:11:30 > 0:11:36Were you not surprised it cost you the equivalent of £90 to hire a horse for 25 minutes?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Well, it was 25 minutes each. There was two of us.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41So we chipped in for the horse.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43For 25 minutes each.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47But still, if you thought you were going to get 25 minutes each, that's a lot, isn't it?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50It's an hour. You need to give the horse a break, as I said.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Let's forget about the 25 minutes.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Just forget about the horse.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59That's absolutely, obviously bullshit.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01You take the horse back,
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Guy B, who you met on the way to the stables...
0:12:05 > 0:12:08He's gone. He's gone, no sign of him.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11So you say to Guy A, "Well, we hired this as part
0:12:11 > 0:12:16of your not bothering to go to the actual stables, but getting a few hundred yards away scheme.
0:12:16 > 0:12:23"We hired this horse for 25 minutes at an extortionate rate. Nevertheless, here it is.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- And what did he say? - We went back to the place where we picked up the horse.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32- Oh, so not to the stable.- No. - But to the random point in the road.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Can't be arsed going to the stables. Bewilderedly, "Where has the strange man gone?"
0:12:36 > 0:12:42I would have thought, logically, when you were returning it, having thought that he'd have come from
0:12:42 > 0:12:45the stable that you'd been lucky not to have to walk their before hiring it,
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- you might think, "It's the stables it has to go back to...- Yeah.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53..rather than, "Sod 'em, this is where we picked it up from. That's your fatal mistake.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I'm going to stand here 300 yards away from the stables,
0:12:55 > 0:13:01"Come over here! Come and get your own horse!"
0:13:01 > 0:13:07At which point, locals start waving, "No. You keep."
0:13:09 > 0:13:14- Kevin, look at me, look at me. You're taking the horse back... - "Look at me"?!
0:13:14 > 0:13:17What happened next?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Come on, Kevin, come on.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25So where are we taking it up from?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- You're taking the horse back. - No, let's go back to the start.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Kevin Bridges, for the love of God,
0:13:33 > 0:13:38please tell us what happened.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Right.
0:13:42 > 0:13:48We bought a horse, we thought we'd rented the horse, we did the horse riding,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- took it back to the actual place we picked up the horse...- Yes.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55Locals explained we'd been to a counterfeit guy who wasn't an official horse riding stable...
0:13:55 > 0:13:58This is a counterfeit horse?
0:13:58 > 0:14:02This wasn't a genuine horse, this was maybe two guys in a costume.
0:14:05 > 0:14:11That would explain the 25 minutes. I can only do 25 minutes.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16The giveaway was after 25 minutes, when one went...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21"Right, let's crack on, lads."
0:14:26 > 0:14:29So, David's team, what do you think, truth or lie(?)
0:14:29 > 0:14:31LAUGHTER
0:14:31 > 0:14:37I mean, the trouble with this game is it plays tricks with your mind,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40but I don't think it's true, you don't really think?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- It's got to be, hasn't it? - It's got to be a lie.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- It's got to be.- Yeah. - You're saying it's a lie.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- So here we go, this really is... - This is the moment.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51More than any other episode I've done of this,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54this is the moment we're waiting for.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Kevin Bridges, is it true or is it a lie?
0:14:58 > 0:14:59It's true.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02CHEERING
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Unbelievable.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Our next round is called This Is My..., where we bring on
0:15:25 > 0:15:28a mystery guest, who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Each of Lee's team will claim that it's them that has
0:15:31 > 0:15:34the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to David's team to spot
0:15:34 > 0:15:39who's telling the truth, so give a warm welcome to this week's guest, Drac.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42APPLAUSE
0:15:45 > 0:15:50Welcome Drac. So, Kevin, what is Drac to you?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53This is Drac, my dad's friend. He took me for a driving lesson
0:15:53 > 0:15:56and I reversed through a chip shop window.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Brian, please explain how you know Drac.
0:16:01 > 0:16:08Well, this is Drac, the roadie, that left me gaffer taped to a lighting rig for over an hour.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Right. And finally, Lee. What is your connection?
0:16:12 > 0:16:19This is Drac and I presented him with first prize at the National Pie Awards 2009.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22So, David's team, begin your investigation.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Erm, Lee, where were the National Pie Awards held?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- Birmingham.- What was the venue?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30The venue was the Hilton.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Hilton.- What type of pie was it?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Well, he made a selection, he didn't just make one pie.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37It was for his, his, his various pies.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41You don't, you don't just have one pie. It's not like... .
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Was he Various Pie Maker of the Year?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48No, he won the overall, the big prize at the end.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- National Pie Maker of the Year. - So he won the overall award, and there's like separate...
0:16:52 > 0:16:54No, he didn't have the best overall.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Were there separate, what were the separate awards?
0:17:00 > 0:17:08Was it like apple pie, steak and kidney pie, and then Drac won the big, like, Best Film - Best Pie.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13You don't just have one pie, you have, I think, two or three pies.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17I think we understand that you have to demonstrate the ability to reproduce the pie.
0:17:17 > 0:17:24Because otherwise it literally is just one pie, as soon as the judges have tasted it, what does it matter?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27That was a pie, that pie is gone.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32It was two or three pies he produced that year, but I don't...
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I think he wants to up production, actually.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37They'd done the pie tasting and judging on another occasion.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42Yeah, they had voted on it, people had voted on it and there was like a pop chart, a pie chart.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46You liked the pie chart, Brian, didn't you? I thought you might.
0:17:46 > 0:17:51Did you announce then that the winner is Drac, or did you say his full name, which is..?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I said, "The winner is Drac".
0:17:56 > 0:17:58What about Brian and Kevin?
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- Brian gaffer taped to a lighting rig. For how long?- Over an hour.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Why were you gaffer taped to a lighting rig in the first place?
0:18:05 > 0:18:13I was the youngest member of the band and I was probably not behaving in a way deemed
0:18:13 > 0:18:18appropriate for a member of a band in the presence of road crew.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23- What were you doing? - I don't remember. I think I was just being a general...
0:18:23 > 0:18:24How did you get down?
0:18:24 > 0:18:28They had to get me down, because it's a lighting rig, it was like one of these.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Wait a minute, wait a minute.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35Drac, on his own, grabbed you because you were doing something
0:18:35 > 0:18:37you shouldn't be doing, like maths homework...
0:18:39 > 0:18:46..and he carries you up a ladder to a lighting rig 20 metres above the stage,
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- and then he gaffered you round. - He was the tour manager, actually.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54He ordered the crew to put me on the ground and gaffer me up into a ball, put a harness on
0:18:54 > 0:18:59then attach me to lighting rig at the Hammersmith Odeon and left me there for over an hour.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03- Was that when you wrote Things Can Only Get Better?- Yeah, yeah!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10You can't remember what had offended them?
0:19:10 > 0:19:14No, I think it was just a build up, I think, of absolute annoyance.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Over many weeks.- I can believe it.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- So, Kevin Bridges, it's something to do with a car.- Well, yes.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26He's a friend of your dad's and he took you on a driving lesson.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- Yeah.- And you ended up reversing through a chip shop window.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- Yeah. His name's Duncan.- Duncan.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36And he gets called Drac because it's like D-R-A-C.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40and he used to be known as Duncan from the RAC, because he's a driving instructor.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Then that got shortened to...
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Were trying to do a three-point turn? What was..?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- It was the first lesson.- Right.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51We thought we'd do reversing - that's Drac's strategy.
0:19:51 > 0:19:57Once you've learnt going backwards, going forwards is a piece of cake?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59It's the way he sees life and driving tuition.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02LAUGHTER
0:20:02 > 0:20:05You've got a chip shop by the side of the road,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08so the car is not facing... The front or back of the car
0:20:08 > 0:20:13- is not normally facing a chip shop? - No, it was in its car park. - A chip shop with a car park?!
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Have you not been to Scotland before, David?
0:20:17 > 0:20:24- So this is like a kind of Ikea-scale chip shop?- It's a massive chip shop. I worked in this chip shop.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- So you're in the car park by the chip shop window...- Yeah.
0:20:27 > 0:20:32..and you get in the car for the first driving lesson
0:20:32 > 0:20:34and he says, "First things first - reversing"?
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Why didn't he press the brake when he saw you hurtling towards the chip shop?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42He was busy trying to design his new pork pie.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49David's team, we need an answer. Is Drac, Kevin's driving instructor,
0:20:49 > 0:20:55Brian's gaffer-taping roadie or Lee's prize-winning pie maker?
0:20:55 > 0:21:00- What are you going to say? - I have absolutely no idea.
0:21:00 > 0:21:06Kevin's sounds implausible, but we've been down this road before.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Frankly, nothing would surprise me.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17If he said he's unscrewed his leg and it had walked to China on its own I'd believe him.
0:21:17 > 0:21:23Lee doing a corporate? Isn't pies a bit..? He's Northern, he's doing a pie-handing out prize, isn't it..?
0:21:23 > 0:21:27- But then again, if you're doing the pie awards...- Yeah.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30..who would you go to other than Lee Mack?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Can you say that to camera?
0:21:34 > 0:21:38I can give them some available dates, I'll give available dates.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40And what about Brian's?
0:21:40 > 0:21:45- A very good specific story about the winch and the Hammersmith Odeon and...- Yeah.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47But it does seem quite a cruel thing to do.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I think he probably...
0:21:50 > 0:21:55- ..could have been irritating enough for them.- Yeah, I think so.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I don't think that's in question, to be honest.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03- What's it going to be?- Say Brian. - Say Brian?- Yeah, come one. Brian, we think it's Brian.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- You're saying Brian?- Yes.- OK.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Would you please reveal your true identity.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13I'm Drac, I'm the roadie that gaffer taped Brian to the lighting rig.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Thank you very much for coming on, Drac.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26So at the end of that round, David's team have four points and Lee's team have two.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30APPLAUSE
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies, in which our panellists lie
0:22:34 > 0:22:38through their teeth and against the clock. So, we start with...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Oh, it's David.
0:22:42 > 0:22:50"I've had to prize open my bedroom door for the last two years, ever since the door handle fell off."
0:22:51 > 0:22:54What do you use to prize open the door?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Oh, just my fingernails.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00And you have to go to the top of the door jam.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- Is it an out or a..? - It all depends which side!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Do you live on your own?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11I can answer that.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17I have a flatmate, but it's just my bedroom, yeah.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18It's only you that has the...
0:23:18 > 0:23:22I am absolutely the only person who ever needs to get in or out.
0:23:26 > 0:23:33- You speak to me with a stare and I don't know...- That's just, you know, a look of resignation.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38Why haven't you just whipped out a knob and affixed it to the entrance?
0:23:40 > 0:23:46Basically, it wouldn't, you can't just screw it back on because the holes that the screws...
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- The thread's gone.- That's it!
0:23:49 > 0:23:56- Now, Keeley, speaking as the only woman, in your single days, before you settled down...- Oh, God! Yes?
0:23:56 > 0:24:00And you would have met David and you'd be getting on like a wildfire
0:24:00 > 0:24:03and he said, "Why don't you come back to mine."
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I know you don't like it, it's either this or Ronnie Corbett.
0:24:06 > 0:24:12"Why don't you come back to my apartment and we can settle down and have a game of Boggle."
0:24:12 > 0:24:20So, you go there, you go there, and he says, "Well, why don't we go upstairs?"
0:24:20 > 0:24:25And you go upstairs and you get to the door and there's no handle or knob.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Would that put you off?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32- This actually happened to me once. - David!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- You're a dark horse. - I don't remember.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I stayed over and when I got up in the morning to leave, I couldn't get out.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51- And I didn't know where I was. - You didn't know where you were?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- Wow, really? - I had to ring the fire brigade...
0:24:53 > 0:24:57I think I should say, this was not at my house.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04And they had to come and put a ladder up to the window and give me a fireman's lift out.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- Where was the man who's house... who you'd gone back with? - Oh, he'd gone to work.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12- He'd gone to work and locked you in for later.- But you didn't know? - Didn't know...!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15"She'll keep till I get back."
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Wow! Wow! OK, what are you going to say, Lee?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- I think it's a lie. - You think it's a lie?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27He looks like a man that's got well-maintained doors.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- Yeah.- I'll say it's a lie.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31OK, then, we'll say it's a lie.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Saying it's a lie. ..David Mitchell, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35It is, in fact, true.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39APPLAUSE
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Yes, it's true.
0:25:43 > 0:25:50David HAS had to prise open his bedroom door for the last two years, ever since the door handle fell off.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54And next... Oh, it's Lee.
0:25:56 > 0:26:02- Possession. - Oh, right, take out the box, pop it on the desk and read the card.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05It's a set of children's cutlery.
0:26:05 > 0:26:11This is the children's cutlery I used when I went on a special diet.
0:26:11 > 0:26:16It helped to make the portions on my plate seem bigger.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17David's team, do you believe that?
0:26:17 > 0:26:22That's so Lee. How long did you use the cutlery for, then?
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Well, if it was a big meal, ten minutes.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29In terms of weeks or months.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Nothing was that big.
0:26:33 > 0:26:39How long was the period of you life for which you used children's cutlery in order to lose weight?
0:26:40 > 0:26:41..Swallow this.
0:26:41 > 0:26:47I know it doesn't take you that long to invent six months.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Six months.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Did you sort of take them if you were going to a restaurant? Did you take them with you?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57No, I think you're mixing me up with a lunatic.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00It's not great... ..Keeley, would you really want that on a date
0:27:00 > 0:27:03if I said, "So how did the tennis go, love?"
0:27:06 > 0:27:11I could take it into the bedroom and go, "You don't think it's big? Look at it again!"
0:27:15 > 0:27:19"And that's a salad fork, let me tell you."
0:27:23 > 0:27:27And what gave you the idea? Where was the inspiration for this?
0:27:27 > 0:27:28- I read it in a book. - You read it in a book?
0:27:28 > 0:27:34- Yes.- Which book was that?- The Book Of Dieting.- The Book Of Dieting.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38- It was...- The Big Book Of Stupid Dieting Ideas.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42- Right, David, what do you think? - It's a lie. It's a lie.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- Keeley, are you in agreement with the rest of your team?- I think that's a lie.- So you're saying no.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49OK, Lee Mack, were you telling the truth there?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Um...it was a lie.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54APPLAUSE
0:27:54 > 0:27:57What a shock - it was a lie(!)
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Lee did not go on a diet which involved using
0:27:59 > 0:28:04- children's cutlery for every meal to make his portions seem bigger. - BUZZER
0:28:04 > 0:28:07That noise signals time is up, and I can reveal that David's team
0:28:07 > 0:28:11has triumphed by seven points to four.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14APPLAUSE
0:28:14 > 0:28:21But of course it's not just a team game, and my individual liar of the week this week is Kevin Bridges.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23CHEERING
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Yes, a fine achievement for a young man of 24.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30As a Glaswegian, he can look back on that with satisfaction for the rest
0:28:30 > 0:28:33of his life...another ten years. Good night!
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:42 > 0:28:45E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk