0:00:26 > 0:00:30Good evening, everybody, and welcome along to Would I Lie To You?,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33the show that rewards the very best liars.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38On David Mitchell's team tonight, a legendary comedian who manages to be
0:00:38 > 0:00:41one of the biggest stars in showbiz and one of the smallest.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- It's Ronnie Corbett!- Thank you.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44APPLAUSE
0:00:44 > 0:00:52And a comedian from Newcastle, so she won't have seen anything like this before, men wearing jackets.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55It's Sarah Millican!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:03And on Lee Mack's team, a comedian who's always on the lookout for a double entendre.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06So I'm going to bend over backwards not to give him one.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08It's Julian Clary!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:16And a comedian from Guildford in leafy Surrey, although she was brought up in the rough
0:01:16 > 0:01:20part of town, where the Waitrose didn't have its own deli counter.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22It's Holly Walsh!
0:01:22 > 0:01:25APPLAUSE
0:01:25 > 0:01:28So let's begin with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists each
0:01:28 > 0:01:31read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:31 > 0:01:36To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, so they've got no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40It's up to the opposing team to sort the truth from the lies.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Julian Clary is first up. Julian.
0:01:44 > 0:01:50In my garden, I have a life-size statue of myself astride a unicorn.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51LAUGHTER
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Seems reasonable enough. David?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Where do you get one? I mean,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- I want one. - It was a prop from a show.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02A prop from a show I did. It's not made of stone,
0:02:02 > 0:02:07it's made from polystyrene or something that's been painted. It's a bit weather-worn now.
0:02:07 > 0:02:13- What was the show?- It was a New Year's Eve thing for Channel 4,
0:02:13 > 0:02:18"Hello 1993" or something.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Why did "Hello 1993"
0:02:20 > 0:02:23need a statue of you on a unicorn?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Well, it was the '90s.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30Do you tart it up every now and then, every spring give it a repaint?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- I have a man for that sort of thing. - All right!
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- You don't have to touch up its horn yourself?- No!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Did you ask for the unicorn or was that forced on you?
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Well, it was part of the set.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46You know you have these sort of bumper car things on this set?
0:02:46 > 0:02:51- Yes, I see that. - When this comes to an end, you may want to take one of those home.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I'd like to have this in my house and I'd like to address my wife from it.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04"On to Round Three, Foreplay, and if you get through that, who knows what might happen!"
0:03:04 > 0:03:09So it's in the garden. Is it part of a water feature, is it on a lawn?
0:03:09 > 0:03:14It's on a plinth, you know, a few bricks.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15A few bricks?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Which is it, a plinth or a few bricks?
0:03:17 > 0:03:24Because when cars have had their wheels taken off, they don't say, "Oh look, that car's on a plinth."
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Well, I call it a plinth.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- What do you think then, David? - What do you think, Ronnie?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I think it might be a lie.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- Really?- Would be in the garden for this long? I ask myself.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40- Well, it could be in a bit of a state.- Seriously dilapidated?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Yes. A decaying image of yourself,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46a reminder of your own mortality on top of
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- a mythical beast. - I have a similar thing in my house, it's called a mirror.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53What are you going to say, David?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I thought it was true from the first time he said it.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- I didn't need any back-up. I think it's true.- You think it's a lie?
0:03:58 > 0:04:03- I think it's a lie.- Well, I think on balance, I think it's true.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04David's saying it's true.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Julian, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:04:08 > 0:04:09It was...
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- a lie.- Oh!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14APPLAUSE
0:04:16 > 0:04:22Yes, it's a lie. Julian doesn't have a life-size statue of himself astride a unicorn in his garden.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25The traditional method for hunting a unicorn is for a fair
0:04:25 > 0:04:30maiden to sit alone upon the grass, and after a time, the unicorn will approach.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33This is also the traditional method for catching flashers.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Ronnie Corbett, you're next.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Right.
0:04:39 > 0:04:46I once undertook a self- help course entitled, How To Become Taller.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48LAUGHTER
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Very hurtful that laughter, I thought, Ronnie.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Was it a step-by-step guide?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01AUDIENCE GROANS
0:05:05 > 0:05:09No, it was a little routine I had to perform every morning
0:05:09 > 0:05:13against the wall, stretching up, and with a pin in the wall.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17It was literally taller, not just to make you feel confident?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- Oh no, to really make me taller. - This is going to make you taller?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I'm talking about the real business, making me taller.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Seeing every day and in every way, getting taller and taller.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Can I ask you a question? Did you keep the receipt?
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Was this done once you were of maturity, or is it when you were an
0:05:34 > 0:05:37adolescent and still possibly might grow?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I was about 14 or 15.
0:05:40 > 0:05:46And it was bought by my aunt, who was perhaps more worried about my size than I was.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51- And so she subscribed to it. - How tall were you at 14?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55A little bit taller than I am now.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59This is a great book you bought(!)
0:05:59 > 0:06:03But surely at 15 you can still have a growth spurt?
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Julian, you're pretty tall, how old were you when you reached the height you are now?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I shot up when I was 15.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14TENTATIVE LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Bit slow!
0:06:17 > 0:06:23- Were you older than 15 when you were as tall as you are? - I was about 18, I suppose.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26So to worry about your nephew not being tall at 14 or 15,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30that's quite premature to get concerned about someone's height.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34But boys do usually shoot up at about 14 or 15, don't they?
0:06:34 > 0:06:40I never shot up. My parents kept telling me that my cousin Gethin,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42"Oh, he shot up when he was 22, you've got ages yet."
0:06:42 > 0:06:46And of course, I peaked at a very disappointing five foot seven.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50I can't believe in front of Ronnie, you're saying, "A very disappointing five foot seven."
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- Think of his feelings! - I know, so upsetting.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01That's even more upsetting!
0:07:03 > 0:07:07When did you get out of short trousers into long trousers?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Well, what time is it now?
0:07:09 > 0:07:14So what do you think, is Ronnie telling the truth?
0:07:14 > 0:07:18In the context of, what was that, the '40s when you were a teenager?
0:07:18 > 0:07:25- 1944, '41-'42.- It's the sort of thing people might have been...
0:07:25 > 0:07:28I don't think people have money to spend on self-help books.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32It was during the war, they're not going to spend time worrying about how tall people are.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- That'd be the time exactly! - Exactly when you worry about it.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39"We need to be taller than the enemy!"
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Having said that, I would have been annoyed if they'd made you grow an extra six inches,
0:07:43 > 0:07:48sent you to war, got in a trench and your head was sitting out the top!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51You've got to get a grip here, Lee, and make a decision.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I think we should go for... You say truth, Holly, how sure are you?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58I'm definitely sure that's not... You're not... It's... I'm sure.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01You've answered the question, sweetheart. I'll go with Julian!
0:08:01 > 0:08:03OK, you're saying it's true.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07So, Ronnie Corbett, is it the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10It is...the truth.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12APPLAUSE
0:08:14 > 0:08:20It's true. Ronnie did once undertake a self-help course entitled, How To Become Taller.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Of course, lacking height is no obstacle to success.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I can think of loads of short people who've become household names.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30There's Ronnie, of course, and then there's Sleepy, Grumpy, Happy,
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Dozy, Sneezy, Ant and Dec.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Sarah, you're next.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43I once spent an entire day on the Asda shuttle bus, just to have a day out.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46LAUGHTER
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Lee, what do you think?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51How long did you spend on the Asda shuttle bus?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- Three hours.- Is that a day out?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Well, yeah, I slept late.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00So you spent three hours on the Asda shuttle bus. On your own?
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Yes. Well, no, there were other passengers but I wasn't with anybody else.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06All life is there on the Asda shuttle bus.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10You just sit there and watch the world get on with their shopping.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Not all life, you wouldn't be on it, would you?
0:09:13 > 0:09:14No, I...
0:09:14 > 0:09:18I think Ronnie wouldn't be on it before David wouldn't be on it.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23- I don't know.- Can I just say, I'd be on it? Happily.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24You'd be driving it.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30You should be on the Asda shuttle bus cos you're quite small, and every little helps.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36No, that's Tesco.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Tesco, yes!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I like those adverts for Sainsbury's, there's that
0:09:40 > 0:09:45guy with a really great voice who says, "Sainsbury's, try something new today."
0:09:49 > 0:09:53I'm the voice of Scottish laminate flooring.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55LAUGHTER
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Does all your flooring have to be laminated?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Oh no, I don't approve of it myself.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Which branch were you going to?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- It was the Boldon Asda. - The what?- Boldon.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13It went from Asda, all round all the estates locally.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- In Boldon?- Yes.- Is that it Newcastle?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18No, it's in South Tyneside.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Sounded like Newcastle to me.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24That's because you're racist.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Did you get on the bus thinking you were going to go shopping
0:10:31 > 0:10:36and then thought, "This is fun, I'll stay on it." Or did you plan to get on the bus as a jaunt?
0:10:36 > 0:10:40I got on cos I thought it would take me home,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43but it didn't go anywhere near my house, so I just stayed on
0:10:43 > 0:10:48and then got back off at Asda. It wasn't planned in advance.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50You got on thinking it would take you home,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53it does one full revolution back to Asda, and you think,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57"I'll try again, it might stop at my house this time.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02You never know, the second time round he might just go via my house."
0:11:02 > 0:11:07There must be quite a lot of old people who do that to keep warm and for something to do.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- I mean, how long did you...? - I'm 34, love!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:15So what are you thinking, Lee, which way are you leaning?
0:11:15 > 0:11:19- Julian?- I've no idea on this one.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I've changed my mind. I think it's true now.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26- What made you change your mind? - The story of her trying to get home, that part of it.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29That was the bit that made me think she wasn't telling the truth.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- Oh, we're so different. - I know. Hey, you say that!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Chalk and cheese.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38That could be a great name for a double act for me and you.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Chalk And Cheese. "I'm Chalk. And this is Cheese."
0:11:40 > 0:11:42HE PRETENDS TO PLAY BANJO
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- I'll phone my agent.- I don't know.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- Holly?- I think it's true. - So what are you going to say, Lee?
0:11:48 > 0:11:53Go on then. I'll say it's true.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55You're saying it's true?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- OK. Sarah, truth or lie?- It is...
0:11:58 > 0:11:59true.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02APPLAUSE
0:12:03 > 0:12:09Yes, it's true. Sarah did once spend an entire day on the Asda shuttle bus, just to have a day out.
0:12:09 > 0:12:15There's always one slightly strange person on those buses, you know, that everyone's a bit afraid of.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17And in this case, it was Sarah.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22So at the end of that round, David's team are trailing by four points to nil.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26APPLAUSE
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Our next round is called This Is My..., where we bring
0:12:30 > 0:12:33on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:12:33 > 0:12:38This week, each of David's team will claim its them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43So please welcome this week's special guest, Paul.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46APPLAUSE
0:12:49 > 0:12:54So first off, Ronnie, what is Paul to you?
0:12:54 > 0:12:58This is Paul. Paul, I found one morning...
0:12:58 > 0:13:00LAUGHTER
0:13:00 > 0:13:04..bound and gagged
0:13:04 > 0:13:06in a bunker on the golf course
0:13:06 > 0:13:08next to our house.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13David, would you tell us how you know Paul?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15This is my driver, Paul.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23He refuses to drink pints because his hands are so small.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26And finally, Sarah, your relationship with Paul.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29This is my newsagent, Paul.
0:13:29 > 0:13:37And he once asked me to watch the shop for 10 minutes and by the time he came back, I'd broken a window
0:13:37 > 0:13:41and there was a little boy had his head stuck in a crisp box.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42LAUGHTER
0:13:42 > 0:13:48Right, Ronnie's gagged golfer, David's small-handed driver or Sarah's unfortunate newsagent.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Lee, where would you like to start?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Ronnie, this bunker...- Yes.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- What were you doing? This is early in the morning? - Very early in the morning,
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- I go out very early in the morning, about maybe 7.15am, 7.20am. - On the golf course?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- On the golf course.- In case anyone wants to use you as a tee?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07- It is upsetting.- It is upsetting.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11shouldn't worry, cos the other day I walked out in my big golfing flat cap and the greenkeeper
0:14:11 > 0:14:15rushed out and said "These bloody mushrooms are early this year."
0:14:15 > 0:14:18LAUGHTER
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- So you saw him? - To be truthful, the two dogs, they
0:14:24 > 0:14:28went in the bunker, I thought, "What are they sniffing about there?"
0:14:28 > 0:14:35And I went over there and there Paul was, bound and gagged in the sand, in the bunker.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- And then what happened? - Well, he was coming round,
0:14:37 > 0:14:43because I think he'd had a bit of a night the night before. So I
0:14:43 > 0:14:46tapped him on the cheeks gently like that, and when I was tapping
0:14:46 > 0:14:50him on the cheeks, and I'd undone the stringy thing and the string
0:14:50 > 0:14:56round your ankles, you were really relieved, came round, didn't you? And I took you back home to have
0:14:56 > 0:15:01a cup of tea, and the dogs were very pleased to have found him. He'd been there all night.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Was this some sort of prank? I mean, was it a stag do or something?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Well, I didn't want to be too nosey about that.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11I wanted to look after him, get him on the phone to his friend, have him
0:15:11 > 0:15:14collected and off the bloody premises!
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Has he kept in touch?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24We have, really, haven't we?
0:15:24 > 0:15:30Because we found that your wife was quite friendly with one of my daughters, I think.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34But we haven't seen enough of each other, actually.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37LAUGHTER
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Right, Lee, who else would you like to question?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45OK, David.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50Yes, when you say he's your driver, I mean, he's picked you up on occasions?
0:15:50 > 0:15:55He was the driver on several series of Peep Show.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56So you're a professional chauffeur?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58He's not allowed to answer.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- He's a professional driver, yes. - Have you ever picked me up?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05He's not allowed to answer.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- Can I see your hands? - Yeah, you can hold your hands out.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- You could hold a pint of lager, what nonsense.- Nothing wrong with those.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- I've got tiny hands.- Have you?
0:16:14 > 0:16:15You're my kind of lady!
0:16:15 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER
0:16:22 > 0:16:25David, tell us about the whole business with the pints, then.
0:16:25 > 0:16:31Well, what Paul told me is that he always chooses to drink bottled beer because when he holds a pint...
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Wait, this isn't at the wheel, is it?
0:16:35 > 0:16:41No, but on a night out, he chooses to drink bottled beer rather than pints, because he gets laughed at
0:16:41 > 0:16:45for holding a pint glass, because he sort of has to use two hands.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Maybe there's some course you could go on to make your hands bigger.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Speak to Ronnie about it. Now what about Sarah, Lee?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03So how old were you?
0:17:03 > 0:17:04It was only a couple of months ago.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- Are you a regular in his shop? - Yeah, I buy a lot of chocolate.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10And what happened while you were in charge?
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Well, I was trying to shut one of the windows cos it was quite cold,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17and he had quite high ceilings, you know those sticks
0:17:17 > 0:17:21that have got the hook on the end that you can shut the window, it sort of went through the window.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- What's the shop called? - Paul's.- It's called Paul's, is it?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Just Paul's?
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- Not Paul's Shop? - No, no. Well, it's obviously a shop.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32To be fair, Marks and Spencer's.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35What about this boy who got his head stuck?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Yeah, I forgot about him!
0:17:37 > 0:17:42- How did that come about? - It was at the end of the school term, sort of 4pm,
0:17:42 > 0:17:48and there was a rush of little kids, and one of them just wanted to get himself some crisps
0:17:48 > 0:17:53out of the box and it was the last one, and he got his head stuck in cos he sort of went in.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56The cardboard boxes with the crisps in and the hole?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Yeah, he couldn't reach so he went in head first.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- He put his head in and he was stuck? - Yeah.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04And you couldn't think of any way to unstick him?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Well, I don't really do kids.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09The crisp boxing doesn't ring true.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12They're not that big, are they? That you have to put your head in.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17If it's a little boy. He hasn't got a head, no offence, the size of yours.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20His arms are reasonable length, presumably.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24- Yeah, that's a good point. - We need a guess from you, Lee.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Is Paul...
0:18:26 > 0:18:32Ronnie's bunker buddy, David's tiny-handed driver, or Sarah's unfortunate newsagent?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34He does look like a driver.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Can I have a look at the back of your head?
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Turn around. Do you recognise the back of his head, Julian?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43LAUGHTER
0:18:48 > 0:18:50He's a driver, I mean, he's a driver!
0:18:50 > 0:18:57And I don't believe he's a Northern shopkeeper because his shirt is too nicely ironed.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02See, this is the dilemma, the dilemma is...
0:19:02 > 0:19:04You're saying there's no chance of it being Ronnie?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08It's unlikely, but I'm not saying it's definite. I want that to be true more than any other story
0:19:08 > 0:19:13I've heard in my life, because that's what I want to see Ronnie doing in the big chair next time.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14"You're not going to believe it."
0:19:14 > 0:19:19I can't do the voice, all right, I can't do the voice. And if I could, I wouldn't keep doing it!
0:19:19 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:31- What?- Ronnie, can you do an impression of Rob?- No.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- IMPERSONATION:- I've never felt the need to do an impression of Rob, no.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39You want the glasses?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- I'd love the glasses, yes. - There we are.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- IMPERSONATION: - Oh my word, goodness me!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55And in a packed programme tonight...
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Good lord, you get vertigo in those.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I'm nobody without these.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- So, what are you going to go for? - I don't know. What do you think?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I think it's the driver.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- You think it's David's driver? Holly? - Yeah, I think it's David's driver.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14I think it might be Sarah, because she looks like the kind of person
0:20:14 > 0:20:19that could break a window and almost kill a small boy in 10 minutes.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- I'm going to overrule my team and say it's Sarah.- Bold!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- I've got a gut feeling.- You're saying it's Sarah and the newsagent? OK.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Paul, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:20:29 > 0:20:30I'm Paul,
0:20:30 > 0:20:34I'm David's driver and I don't drink pints because my hands are small.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37APPLAUSE
0:20:42 > 0:20:48Yes, well, if ever there was a harsher warning of the dangers of a fascist state, I'd like to see it.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Thank you very much, Paul!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53APPLAUSE
0:20:55 > 0:20:58So, at the end of that round,
0:20:58 > 0:21:02David's team have two points and Lee's team have four.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Which brings us to our final round,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Quick Fire Lies, in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth,
0:21:10 > 0:21:11but against the clock.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Again, they don't know whether they're about to read a true fact
0:21:14 > 0:21:18or a made-up lie that they've never seen before.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21David's team are currently behind. And we will start with...
0:21:23 > 0:21:30- It's David.- As a child, I used to play board games against a bucket with a face painted on it.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33LAUGHTER
0:21:37 > 0:21:43I called this bucket Stephen Tatlock.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Wow, what games did you play?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Monopoly.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56I played a game called Diplomacy.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01- Even then, you were thinking of becoming a politician.- Even then?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03I'm not a politician!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Why Stephen Tatlock?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10It was basically named after a friend of mine.
0:22:10 > 0:22:16Why didn't you play with Stephen Tatlock? He had no hands!
0:22:18 > 0:22:23Stephen Tatlock wasn't always there.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27But after I painted a face on a bucket he was!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Did you paint the face on the bucket?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33- I think my dad painted the face.- Your dad was involved in this sad story?
0:22:33 > 0:22:41He decided you haven't got any friends, but "Lucky day for you, this is Stephen Tatlock."
0:22:41 > 0:22:47What can I say, my father saw me talking to a bucket and decided to accept that side of my nature.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Did your father invent Henry hoovers afterwards?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55"And this is your girlfriend."
0:22:55 > 0:22:57LAUGHTER
0:23:00 > 0:23:07So if you were playing Monopoly, you'd have your go, and then you'd run round and pretend to be Stephen?
0:23:07 > 0:23:12I wouldn't pretend to be Stephen, but I found I had to roll for Stephen.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16And Stephen would need help moving his...
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Did Stephen ever win?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Yes.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25What do you think, Lee, is he telling the truth?
0:23:25 > 0:23:30- What do you think? - I don't know many people who have an imaginary friend with a surname.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35He's one of the few. Did you call him Stephen Tatlock or Stephen?
0:23:35 > 0:23:40Did you say "It's your turn, Stephen Tatlock.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44"You must do it quickly or otherwise you will go the way of the other buckets."
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Usually, I'd call him Stephen.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- Aw, you were quite friendly then? - Yeah.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Did Stephen Tatlock know there was an impostor?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- An impostor?- I call it an impostor.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01No, I never mentioned Stephen Tatlock to Stephen Tatlock.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Did you ever mention the real Stephen Tatlock to the bucket?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I think probably not, no, That would have been...
0:24:07 > 0:24:10They were blissfully unaware of each other's presence?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I don't want you to think that I felt I was in any way being unfaithful
0:24:14 > 0:24:16to the real Stephen Tatlock, or the bucket.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I'm not picturing this as some sort of romantic film.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24I can't imagine the real Stephen Tatlock walking in on the game and you going, "Stephen...!
0:24:25 > 0:24:28"Stephen! Stephen! I can explain!"
0:24:28 > 0:24:30LAUGHTER
0:24:30 > 0:24:34So what do you think, then, Lee? Time for a guess? Truth or lie?
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- I think it's true. - You think it's true?
0:24:38 > 0:24:39I don't know why.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43But look at David, we know why! What do you think, Holly?
0:24:43 > 0:24:47I don't think it's true.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I might ask my friend, Boris Dickie.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- Boris Dickie says, "No, it's a lie." - You're saying it's a lie?- Yes.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59You and Boris say it's a lie.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03- Boris Dickie!- OK, Boris Dickie.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05David, truth or lie?
0:25:05 > 0:25:06It is, in fact...
0:25:06 > 0:25:08a lie.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11APPLAUSE
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Yes, it was a lie.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19When David was a child, he didn't play board games against a bucket that he called Stephen Tatlock.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Next...
0:25:22 > 0:25:23..it's Ronnie.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25My goodness me!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28LAUGHTER
0:25:29 > 0:25:32So glad I've been asked. There we are.
0:25:32 > 0:25:38Last week, I actually had to go into a shop
0:25:38 > 0:25:41and buy four candles.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:52Can I just check, Ronnie, when you say four candles...
0:25:53 > 0:25:57..did you mean four candles or fork handles?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59You can have that one if you like!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I went in to buy four candles.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Which one, though? Four candles or fork handles?
0:26:07 > 0:26:08- Four candles?- Not fork handles?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10No, four candles.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14That would be confusing, wouldn't it?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Can I just say, can you please let me have my childhood dream?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Can I please say to Ronnie Corbett,
0:26:19 > 0:26:21do you mean handles for forks?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23No, four candles.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Four candles.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33So candles that you light?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Four candles, yes.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Where was this?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Addescombe Road, you know where Addescombe Road is?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- Well, give me a clue, tell me the town.- London, London.
0:26:44 > 0:26:50- Oh, London town.- It's a hardware shop and it was, you know...
0:26:50 > 0:26:53So you went in and you said, "Can I have four candles?" What did the man say to you?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58He came back with four candles.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Now, this is where it gets interesting.
0:27:02 > 0:27:08When he came back with the four candles, were they four candles or were they handles for forks.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11They were four candles.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12LAUGHTER
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Lee, is it a truth or is it a lie?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- Tell me now.- Oh, it's just...
0:27:17 > 0:27:22I want this to be true more than anything I have ever heard in my life. What do you think, Julian?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24- It's a legend, so it must be true. - You think it's true?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- Holly?- I think it's true.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- I want it to be true. - I want it to be true.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Ronnie, is it the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:27:31 > 0:27:37- Well, I wanted it to be true but I'm afraid, it's a lie.- It was a lie.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39APPLAUSE
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Yes, last week Ronnie didn't have to go
0:27:42 > 0:27:46into a shop and buy four candles.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47When you say four candles...
0:27:47 > 0:27:49LAUGHTER
0:27:49 > 0:27:55It's a lie, although Ronnie does love shopping, as if he's good, he gets to ride in the trolley!
0:27:55 > 0:27:56BUZZER SOUNDS
0:27:56 > 0:28:02And that buzzer signals time is up and it's the end of the show, and I can reveal that,
0:28:02 > 0:28:05good lord, Lee has romped home to victory by eight points to four.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08APPLAUSE Well done, team.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13But it's not just a team game,
0:28:13 > 0:28:19and my individual Liar Of The Week this week is Ronnie Corbett!
0:28:19 > 0:28:21- APPLAUSE - Thank you very much.
0:28:21 > 0:28:26Yes, he's won BAFTAs and Royal Television Society awards,
0:28:26 > 0:28:28but I think being named Liar Of The Week
0:28:28 > 0:28:32by me, Rob Brydon, will surely be regarded as the pinnacle of his success. Good night.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:49 > 0:28:52E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk