0:00:22 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:33Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You, the show where lying is the order of the day.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37On Lee's team tonight is an actress who is well used to lying.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42How else could she convince the nation she enjoyed kissing Sid Owen? It's Patsy Palmer!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44APPLAUSE
0:00:44 > 0:00:48And an actor who, after starring in the movie In The Loop,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51is now on first-name terms with James Gandolfini.
0:00:51 > 0:00:58Unfortunately, James thinks he's called Steve and works in the props department. It's Chris Addison!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:03And on David's team, we have a comedian with the looks
0:01:03 > 0:01:07of a Greek god and the morals of a Greek waiter.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- It's John Bishop! - APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:16And, you know, I've had the honour of working with some great comic actresses in my time.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21But putting that to one side, here's half of Gavin And Stacey, it's Joanna Page!
0:01:21 > 0:01:24APPLAUSE
0:01:24 > 0:01:30So, Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35They've never seen the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:35 > 0:01:42It's up to the opposing team to sort the truth from the tosh. Patsy, you're first. Please reveal all.
0:01:43 > 0:01:49I got Wellard the dog drunk on the set of EastEnders.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52David's team, is she telling the truth?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54What, uh...
0:01:54 > 0:01:56What's EastEnders?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- LAUGHTER - What... Thank you.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Excellent.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- What's the alcohol in question? - Vodka.- Vodka.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07How much vodka?
0:02:09 > 0:02:13It was just, you know, like a small glass?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- That's small, is it? - A small glass of vodka(!)
0:02:16 > 0:02:21It was one of those small, round, flat-bottomed, little glasses.
0:02:21 > 0:02:26- You've just described a glass! - How did you get it in his mouth?
0:02:26 > 0:02:31- I didn't put it in his mouth. We put it in his bowl. - He thought it was water?- Yeah.
0:02:31 > 0:02:36- How far through it did he get before...?- He drank the whole bowl.
0:02:36 > 0:02:43I would have thought at some point, as a dog, you're going to go, "Something here is different."
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Also if you're a dog, you smell your bowl and it's full of vodka,
0:02:47 > 0:02:52you think, "This smells like a girl from Birmingham. It's clearly not water."
0:02:52 > 0:02:57- Smell, that's it! That's what dogs do all the time.- Exactly.- Yes.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Why have you got a bottle of vodka on the set of EastEnders?
0:03:01 > 0:03:05We didn't have a bottle of vodka, just a glass of vodka.
0:03:05 > 0:03:12When we first started working there, all of the bottles of drink in the pub were real alcohol.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15That strikes me as a flawed policy.
0:03:15 > 0:03:22Not then. Now you couldn't have it, health and safety, but then there was real drink in the pub.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Is that why Den was so dirty cos everyone was just pissed?
0:03:25 > 0:03:30- The vodka is diluted with water, so the dog doesn't notice?- Yeah.
0:03:30 > 0:03:36The whole place is stinking of booze anyway with all the pissed-up actors forgetting their lines!
0:03:36 > 0:03:42He went a little bit funny and he laid down. It wasn't like he was punching people in the face.
0:03:42 > 0:03:48You know, we did get really worried because he kind of did lay down. He was very quiet.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53A bit like when he died, so we knew he could do that!
0:03:53 > 0:03:57I think it's true because it's the sort of thing I'd do.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59LAUGHTER
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- To see what happens. - What are you going to say?
0:04:03 > 0:04:08I think, if you haven't at some point tried to make a dog drunk, you're not normal.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- I think it could be true. - We think that almost anyone,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16given enough time, sitting in the same room as some vodka and a dog,
0:04:16 > 0:04:20will either put the vodka in the dog or the other way round.
0:04:20 > 0:04:26- So we're saying "true", I think. - True.- OK, Patsy Palmer, is it the truth or is it a lie?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28It's a lie.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- APPLAUSE - Nice work, Patsy Palmer.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I would never do that to an animal.
0:04:35 > 0:04:41It is a big, big lie. Patsy did not get Wellard the dog drunk on the set of EastEnders.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46Of course, Bianca was there when Wellard was put to sleep after eating a chocolate.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50She held him in her arms, sobbing as he died.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Patsy, they don't give Oscars for soap operas, but if they did,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- they'd have given one to Wellard! - Yeah.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Joanna, you're next.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04I recite my times tables every night before bed.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Why?
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Because... I've always been rubbish at maths.
0:05:11 > 0:05:16It just doesn't go in my head. My brain doesn't compute that way.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I can learn loads and loads of lines if I'm acting,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23but I've never been able to get my times tables in.
0:05:23 > 0:05:30And I thought, before I die, I want to be able to do my times tables.
0:05:30 > 0:05:35And also when you go to a sale and you go shopping,
0:05:35 > 0:05:39when it says 75% off a dress or 40%, I can't work that out.
0:05:39 > 0:05:45I know it's thick and I feel embarrassed cos I'm sitting next to you and you've got a degree.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I'm a famous mathematician(!)
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Actually, my secret identity is Percentage Man.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56I thought, "I don't want to die and not be able to do my times tables."
0:05:56 > 0:06:01- Could you recite them now? - Before I go to bed, my husband lies next to me and I do them.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05- I say...- It's nice to see that romance isn't dead!
0:06:08 > 0:06:14"Dear, it's cold in the valleys." "Don't worry, I've got a game that'll cheer us up."
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- What's the first one? It's not your two times table?- Yeah, it is.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I've got as far as my six, I get to seven, don't go in.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24What's seven times five? This is so embarrassing.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- 35.- 35.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29APPLAUSE
0:06:29 > 0:06:33That is why I'm doing it. That's why I'm learning them.
0:06:33 > 0:06:40- You might have "dyscalculus" like me, so you're not thick.- Have what? - Dyscalculia, same as dyslexia.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- Oh, yeah, right(!)- Really?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I've got "shortulus".
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Well, that's true.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55- COCKNEY ACCENT: - Don't come round here giving any of that, sweetheart!
0:06:55 > 0:07:00- You'll be barred from this bloody pub!- But you might have that. You're not thick.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04If there are any kids watching, you're not thick if you can't add up.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- You're a bit thick. - It's a bit late, isn't it?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10You're not bright. Let's say that.
0:07:10 > 0:07:17Do you do it every single night? Even if you come in really pissed, you still do your times tables?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Yeah, I still try to do it. Yeah.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24If there's a dress for 80 quid and it says "50% off", will you struggle?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Right, well... No, that would be £40, wouldn't it?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32But I've got to check. I can't say it straight off.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37What I often find is in shops when they take a percentage off the original price,
0:07:37 > 0:07:41they will also tell you the subsequent price.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46It's quite a minority of shops that make you work it out.
0:07:46 > 0:07:52- No...- If you get it wrong, that's what you pay. Even if it's less than they wanted to charge.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56They go, "I hope we don't get one of those dyscalculus people in.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59"They thought it was 50p!"
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- Lee, is she telling the truth? - What have you cracked?
0:08:03 > 0:08:09- I've cracked one, two, three, four, five...- One?! You mean you've learned how to count?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12You've cracked the ones, the twos.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I cracked seven the other night, but I can't do it now.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18One seven is seven... This is my worst nightmare.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22One seven is seven, two sevens are 14, three sevens are 21,
0:08:22 > 0:08:28- four sevens are 28, five sevens... - 35.- Five sevens are 35, six sevens are 42.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Seven sevens are 40... Right, this is... 49!
0:08:31 > 0:08:3449. Eight sevens are 54?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- 52?- Higher!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- 56.- 56. What was that?
0:08:39 > 0:08:45Nine sevens are 56? Ten sevens are 70, 11 sevens are 77, 12 sevens are 84.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48APPLAUSE Eighty...eight, nine... 92!
0:08:48 > 0:08:54- Right, so...- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't clap. It's not The Jeremy Kyle Show!
0:08:54 > 0:09:00- It's the seven times table! - I think this could be a cracking new round. Don't you?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Lee, is it the truth?
0:09:02 > 0:09:06I think it's a lie. Why do you think it's a lie?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10That's the last thing you need before you go to bed.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- I think it's true. - We'll go with Patsy then.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15So, Jo, truth or lie?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18That is...
0:09:18 > 0:09:21true! APPLAUSE
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Well done, Patsy.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Yes, it's true.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Jo, I've got a mental arithmetic problem for you.
0:09:29 > 0:09:35If you take one husband and recite multiplication tables at him seven nights a week,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38how many divorce lawyers will he need?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40John, you're next.
0:09:41 > 0:09:48I had a job where we started each day with a motivational song.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- Lee's team?- What was this job?
0:09:51 > 0:09:58- It was...- Don't give him time to think of the song!- The job was selling vacuum cleaners.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- What was the song? - There were a few songs.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- Give us your favourite. - Me favourite, um...
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Me favourite one was, eh...
0:10:07 > 0:10:11# We sell Kirby cleaners, we sell Kirby cleaners
0:10:11 > 0:10:14# Suck, suck We sell Kirby cleaners... #
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Was it on the phone or was it in a shop?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19No, it was, eh...
0:10:19 > 0:10:24It was door-to-door vacuum cleaner selling.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Door-to-door vacuum... What year was this? 1946?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30When was this? It would have been...
0:10:30 > 0:10:35one of my first jobs when I left school, so it would have been in the '80s.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39- What was your other song? You had a few.- It was a long time ago.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44You used to go in... There was always a fight on a Monday morning for the tambourine.
0:10:44 > 0:10:50Then the boss would say, "Here's the songs for today." There'd be like three or four songs.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54We'd have to sing the songs, then we'd have to face the window
0:10:54 > 0:10:59and throw our negative thoughts out the window, so we could go and sell.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Why didn't you just hoover up the negative thoughts?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Did you get commission on how many hoovers you sold?
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Yeah. You know when you see those adverts in the paper and it's like,
0:11:09 > 0:11:15"Are you sad and lonely? I used to be, but now I have a speedboat, two girlfriends and a house in France.
0:11:15 > 0:11:20"If you want to be like me, phone Chas after seven." It was one of those...
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I worked for a sales company when I was 16.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28They gave us a bottle of wine and a packet of ProPlus every morning to motivate us.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33- Wine and ProPlus?- You were pissed and on drugs selling life insurance?
0:11:33 > 0:11:37But they did. That's what they did, so you never know.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- What do we think? - I think he's lying.- Patsy?
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- Let's say "lie".- You're saying "lie"? - It's a lie.
0:11:44 > 0:11:50So, John Bishop, were you telling the truth just then or were you in fact telling a lie?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I was telling...the truth.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Aaagh! APPLAUSE
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Yes, it was true.
0:12:03 > 0:12:09Which means, at the end of that round, it's Lee in the lead by three points to two.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15The next round is This Is My... where we bring on a mystery guest
0:12:15 > 0:12:19who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:12:19 > 0:12:25Each of Lee's team will claim the genuine connection and David's team must spot who's telling the truth.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29So please welcome this week's special guest Mark.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31APPLAUSE
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Welcome, Mark. So, first off, Patsy, what is Mark to you?
0:12:40 > 0:12:46This is Mark and he is currently teaching me to swim
0:12:46 > 0:12:50to overcome my fear of the water.
0:12:50 > 0:12:56- Right. Lee?- This is Mark and he started the pub darts team that I play in,
0:12:56 > 0:13:00but I had to ask him to leave because he was so bad.
0:13:00 > 0:13:05- Finally, Chris, your relationship with Mark? - Mark is my next-door neighbour.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09He lost a bet of £200 that In The Loop would win an Oscar,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12so I gave him my wheelbarrow.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15There we are. What could be simpler?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Patsy's swimming teacher who cured her fear of water,
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Lee's sacked darts team-mate or Chris's neighbour who likes a bet.
0:13:23 > 0:13:29- David's team, where would you like to start?- Darts. How can anyone be bad at darts?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32What standard of darts playing are you expecting?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Two out of three darts in the board would have been sufficient.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- What did you say to him to chuck him out?- Patsy, can you be Mark?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Yeah.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47This might involve acting, but just go with it.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Mark...- Yeah.- That's you. Yeah, you're Mark.
0:13:50 > 0:13:56- You know this whole darts thing? - Yeah.- And you keep missing the board?- Hmm.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Look at me when I'm talking to you.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03We don't like the fact that you keep trying to get the dog drunk
0:14:03 > 0:14:07and also we'll have to let you go because you keep missing the board.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11I cannot imagine YOU would say that to HIM.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14LAUGHTER
0:14:14 > 0:14:19There's not a chance you're going to say, "Listen, mate, you set up the darts team,
0:14:19 > 0:14:23"but big Lee Mack's in the room. Get off!"
0:14:23 > 0:14:28- How seriously did you take this darts team?- I take darts very seriously.- Do you?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Ask me any check-out.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I don't know what that means.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36151.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40That's your classic treble 20, treble 17, tops.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I don't know if that's true or not, but it could be.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48- 164.- That'll be treble 20, treble 18, bull.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Bull, what's bull? A hundred and eigh...ty?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56You work that out...
0:14:58 > 0:15:02- He's getting the numbers right. - Is he getting the numbers right?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Just say "180" again, Jo. - A hundred and eigh...ty!
0:15:05 > 0:15:09I feel like we've just engaged with foreplay!
0:15:11 > 0:15:16Ohh! She's at 180. We're on for a good 'un tonight!
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Wait till I get to 69!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Did he set up another team?
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Did he walk away and say, "I'll give up darts because Lee told me..."?
0:15:29 > 0:15:35He struggled because he went round saying, "I'd like to set up a darts team." "Any experience?"
0:15:35 > 0:15:39"I just recently left one because I was thrown out for being terrible."
0:15:39 > 0:15:43That's not the usual next question, "Have you had any experience?"
0:15:43 > 0:15:47You're either interested in playing a bit of recreational darts or not.
0:15:47 > 0:15:53- Recreational darts? - "I'm a busy man. I want to play in a high level darts team..."
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- Darts is a serious sport!- David, do you want to move on?- Yes, OK.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Chris, why did you feel the need,
0:16:00 > 0:16:06when your neighbour had bet some money on a film you were involved in winning an Oscar,
0:16:06 > 0:16:10why did you make up the loss for him with the gift of a wheelbarrow?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13I live in a terraced house. The houses next door are flats.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17It's a communal garden and Mark is the only one who looks after them.
0:16:17 > 0:16:23Mark's never seen the film, but he went to the bookies, put 200 quid on it and lost it.
0:16:23 > 0:16:29In the conversation that we were discussing this, it came up that he needed a wheelbarrow.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33And I felt bad cos he'd sort of staked it cos it's me...
0:16:33 > 0:16:39So if he'd said, "I could do with a leg-over," you'd have said, "There's me missus"?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42No, John. No, I wouldn't.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I don't know how things work where you live,
0:16:45 > 0:16:49but wheelbarrows and women are not the same thing where I'm from.
0:16:49 > 0:16:55You may well have given the wheelbarrow to assist him in cleaning up the communal gardens,
0:16:55 > 0:17:00but surely you didn't give it to him as compensation for your film not winning the Oscar.
0:17:00 > 0:17:07I sort of intended to offer... that he might borrow it. It kind of got out of hand.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Patsy, you have a fear of water, is that right?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I did, yeah.
0:17:13 > 0:17:19Have you had this all your life or was it some harrowing experience you could amuse people with?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I think so, but I didn't really know that I had it.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25How did you not know you were scared of what surrounds us?
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Um, because I've always swum, but I just...
0:17:29 > 0:17:33You swam, but you didn't know you were shitting yourself...
0:17:33 > 0:17:36But you wouldn't refuse to swim?
0:17:36 > 0:17:42No, I swam. We had to swim when we were kids. We just used to get put in. It was freezing cold.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46The teachers used to make you get in and that was worse
0:17:46 > 0:17:51because it was freezing cold, kids would be crying, swimming, but they did make you get in.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Sounds like you're talking about Dunkirk!
0:17:54 > 0:18:00So you already could swim before you encountered Mark to teach you to swim?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Yeah...
0:18:04 > 0:18:06How was your first lesson?
0:18:06 > 0:18:12When Mark said, "Let's have a go at the water," and you did 20 lengths, what did he say after that?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I didn't do 20 lengths.
0:18:14 > 0:18:21So you have some lessons to improve the efficiency of your swimming, you get into the water and realise,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24"Oh, my God, I hate it here! This has been the problem.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29"It wasn't the efficiency of my kicking and arms. It was that I hated it!"
0:18:29 > 0:18:33No, I just realised that I was actually quite scared of water.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38That's why I don't swim very well. I don't breathe under water.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43None of us breathe under water. That's a standard human thing.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46No, you can breathe under water. No, you can't.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51Mark, this should have been lesson number one!
0:18:51 > 0:18:56Just cos I throw you out the darts team and you're looking for a new career!
0:18:56 > 0:19:03- Telling people they can breathe under water! - Right, David, we need an answer.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Lee gives every impression of knowing a bit about darts,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10but I'm not the best person to scrutinise that.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14He knows his darts. That doesn't mean that story is true.
0:19:14 > 0:19:20I believe Chris cos of the wheelbarrow or I believe Patsy cos Mark looks quite built.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- Who will you go for? - I'd go with Patsy.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I think Patsy, yeah.
0:19:25 > 0:19:31So you're saying Patsy's swimming instructor. Mark, reveal your true identity.
0:19:31 > 0:19:36I am Patsy's swimming instructor and I helped her get over her fear of water.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38APPLAUSE
0:19:38 > 0:19:43So, Mark, the first thing I want to clear up is this thing
0:19:43 > 0:19:46of telling her it is possible to breathe under water.
0:19:46 > 0:19:52It's not quite true. She does very good front crawl and breathes out under water, doesn't breathe in.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Thank you, thank you. APPLAUSE
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Which brings us to our final round, Quick-Fire Lies,
0:20:02 > 0:20:06where our panellists lie through their teeth and against the clock.
0:20:06 > 0:20:12They don't know if they're about to read out a true fact or a made-up lie they've never seen before.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14And we're starting with...
0:20:16 > 0:20:18David.
0:20:18 > 0:20:23- Ah, possession.- Take out a small box underneath the desk there.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Have a look inside and show us what's there.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30LOUD THUMP
0:20:32 > 0:20:35This is my special travel dressing gown.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38LAUGHTER
0:20:38 > 0:20:43It's true! Definitely true! We need to hear no more, David.
0:20:43 > 0:20:48- It is true without any shadow of a doubt.- I'm contractually obliged to finish the card.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54It's the one item I always pack when I go on holiday.
0:20:54 > 0:20:59First, could we have the full modelling of the dressing gown?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- Give us a nice twirl. - Can we smell it?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I think you should come out here.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Enjoy the space. Oh, he's having trouble putting it on.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Well, he's not abroad. He's confused.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Have you forgotten the cord? - The cord is missing.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Just hold it as though it were done up, so we get a proper idea.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Yeah.- Could you mime smoking a pipe and solve a crime?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Oh, I'd love that.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29LAUGHTER
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Can I ask, where did you get it from?- Eh...
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- 1924!- I think it's from Marks & Spencer's.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- In 1924!- Did you say, "It's my special TRAVEL dressing gown"?
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Yes. I don't know if "travel dressing gown" is a technical term.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49But I have two dressing gowns. This is one.
0:21:49 > 0:21:55The other is a thicker, towelling dressing gown which takes up more space in a suitcase.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Do you take pyjamas? Do you wear anything under it?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- Yes, I...- I feel sick.
0:22:03 > 0:22:09What I don't do is I don't tend to wear it over normal clothes like this.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13That is the worst sexy chat line I've ever heard in my life!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- You...- "I'm naked under here."
0:22:15 > 0:22:21To be honest, Lee, I don't know why you come into so many encounters with me expecting arousal.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:28APPLAUSE
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Does that go with you on any trip or certain trips?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36- No, only if I'm going to stay the night somewhere.- Obviously, yeah...
0:22:36 > 0:22:40I didn't think you were walking round Dixons in it!
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Is he telling the truth or is he constructing a lie?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- Patsy?- True.- It's true?- Yeah.
0:22:46 > 0:22:52- Chris?- Based on the design of the dressing gown and his demeanour, I think they fit.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56So, Lee, what's it going to be?
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- I'll say that's true. - David, is it true or is it a lie?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- It is true. - APPLAUSE
0:23:06 > 0:23:11Yes, it's true. That is David's special dressing gown.
0:23:11 > 0:23:18It's just a dressing gown. It's not my special dressing gown like I think it's got a personality!
0:23:18 > 0:23:21It's David's SPECIAL dressing gown.
0:23:21 > 0:23:27You are never going to get away from that now. Everyone who sees this show will look at you and see that.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31My entire image has been destroyed by this show.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35I was a cool guy who was into music and modern art before this show,
0:23:35 > 0:23:41before all the stuff about dressing as an 18th century nobleman and having a little bell came out.
0:23:41 > 0:23:47The travel dressing gown is just the tip of the iceberg of naffness!
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Just so we're in no doubt, that is David's SPECIAL dressing gown.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Next...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Lee.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59I once lost a game of swingball to a chimpanzee.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02David's team?
0:24:02 > 0:24:06- OK, um... - Why were you with a chimpanzee?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I was visiting a zoo in South Africa
0:24:08 > 0:24:13and the trick that the chimpanzee could do was play swingball.
0:24:13 > 0:24:20And we all took it in turns to have a go and I'd had a few to drink and he beat me.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25- What time of day was this? - Time of day?- Yes. - Before the monkey's bedtime.
0:24:25 > 0:24:31- Are you refusing to answer? - No, but I don't know if you mean South African time or English time.
0:24:31 > 0:24:37- I think there's an hour's difference. Do you mean South African time?- Yes, the local time.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Sorry, you've thrown me a bit because most of the time...
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Local time at the zoo of your match against the chimpanzee.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Over the years, I've been using this anecdote.
0:24:48 > 0:24:55"Did I tell you about when I played swingball with a chimpanzee?" No-one has said, "What time of day was it?"
0:24:55 > 0:25:00It threw me for a second. Most people go, "A chimpanzee? Swingball?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03"Tell us more, you interesting person!"
0:25:03 > 0:25:08What's different is that when you tell that as an anecdote in the pub,
0:25:08 > 0:25:15- people will go, "It's polite to go along with the bullshit that Lee talks."- No, they're interested!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18APPLAUSE
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Why were you in South Africa?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24No, I want the time of day, the time of day!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- The time of day... - Make up a time of day!
0:25:27 > 0:25:33I couldn't beat a chimpanzee at swingball because I was drunk. How will I remember the time of day?
0:25:33 > 0:25:39I'm thinking, "I'm terrible at this and it's only a quarter to three...three(!)"
0:25:39 > 0:25:44What I'm trying to get at is why were you going round a zoo pissed?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Oh, I see.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48It's not a usual post-pub trip.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53"Let's have a few jars. I tell you what, I fancy a trip round the zoo
0:25:53 > 0:25:57"because at around about one in the morning, they get the chimp out
0:25:57 > 0:26:00"and the chimp takes people on at swingball.
0:26:00 > 0:26:05"The chimp likes nothing more than a load of pissed contestants."
0:26:05 > 0:26:10We don't all go to the British Museum for stag weekends.
0:26:11 > 0:26:17- But zoos aren't open after the pub! - No, no, it was afternoon. We'd been drinking since the morning.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22- You'd had a boozy lunch? - We'd had a boozy morning. We started at 11. Arrest me!
0:26:22 > 0:26:27Why didn't you go and see some strippers?
0:26:27 > 0:26:31We were that drunk, we thought we were. We thought that was a pole.
0:26:31 > 0:26:37"This is a rubbish pole dancing club. That pole dancer hasn't any tits and hasn't shaved for ages!"
0:26:37 > 0:26:41It was awful. I'm not going to lie. We were about to walk out.
0:26:41 > 0:26:46But then someone said, "No, it's a swingball-playing chimpanzee."
0:26:46 > 0:26:53"It's even better than we thought. I wondered why she wasn't letting me put ten quid in her bra?"
0:26:53 > 0:26:57- Before someone phones the RSPCA... - It was a consenting chimpanzee.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01I don't think he'd say, "I quite like it here at the zoo,
0:27:01 > 0:27:07"but what would make it peachy was if I could take on some visitors at swingball, badminton at a push."
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- I don't think that happened. - He had no choice.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14He had no choice. That's my point! Right...
0:27:14 > 0:27:20- Is it the truth or is it a lie? - I thought it was a lie, but it seems the sort of thing he'd do.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23What? Why?
0:27:23 > 0:27:28- I think it's a lie, but I'm happy to be...- I'll go with "lie".- We'll go with "lie".
0:27:28 > 0:27:32- You all say it's a lie?- Yeah.- Yeah. - Lee, truth or lie?
0:27:32 > 0:27:35- It is in fact...a lie. - APPLAUSE
0:27:38 > 0:27:44Yes, it is a lie. Lee has never lost a game of swingball to a chimpanzee.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47For the record, it was Scrabble.
0:27:48 > 0:27:53- BUZZER - That noise signals time's up and it's the end of the show.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I can reveal that David's team have five points,
0:27:56 > 0:28:00but the victors with seven are Lee's team!
0:28:00 > 0:28:02- APPLAUSE - We're the champs!
0:28:04 > 0:28:09But it's not just a team game and my individual liar of the week is Joanna Page!
0:28:09 > 0:28:12APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Yes...
0:28:15 > 0:28:21Joanna Page. And let me assure you that's not favouritism because she's Welsh.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23SPEAKS IN WELSH
0:28:25 > 0:28:28REPLIES IN WELSH
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Good night!
0:28:44 > 0:28:48Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2010
0:28:48 > 0:28:52Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk