0:00:22 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Oh, yes.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Good evening and welcome to a very special edition
0:00:30 > 0:00:34of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie To You?
0:00:34 > 0:00:39On David Mitchell's team tonight, Mackenzie Crook, Frank Skinner,
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Katherine Parkinson, Dara O'Briain, Lorraine Kelly,
0:00:43 > 0:00:49Bill Oddie, David O'Doherty, Rebecca Front, and Jack Whitehall.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:00:51 > 0:00:57Miranda Hart, Rhod Gilbert, Nick Hewer, Sarah Millican,
0:00:57 > 0:01:02Louie Spence, Bill Turnbull, Victoria Coren, Barry Cryer
0:01:02 > 0:01:04and Sue Perkins.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09And so to Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12To make things harder, they've never seen the card before
0:01:12 > 0:01:14and they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction
0:01:17 > 0:01:20and, Mackenzie, you're up first.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26When I won the Pirates of the Caribbean sandcastle competition...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28LAUGHTER
0:01:28 > 0:01:31..Keith Richards was so angry he stamped on my drawbridge
0:01:31 > 0:01:33and threw Johnny Depp's bucket in the sea.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35LAUGHTER
0:01:35 > 0:01:38This, this is delicious. Lee, what d'you think?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41The competition was what, at the end of filming the whole thing?
0:01:41 > 0:01:45It wasn't at the end, it was during one of the films,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I think it was the second one we were...yeah.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Why was Keith Richards there? - Keith Richards played, erm...
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- Why was Keith Richards there? - Oh, was he in it?
0:01:52 > 0:01:53D'you go to the cinema?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- LAUGHTER - I don't really watch TV or go to cinemas,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I'm struggling to recognise anyone round here.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- LAUGHTER - Well, imagine how we feel.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03LAUGHTER
0:02:03 > 0:02:07I thought the Chuckle brothers had split up. Erm...
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- D'you have any connection with popular culture?- None whatsoever.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Big fan of yours though.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- APPLAUSE - Oh, don't applaud it!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21So, your sandcastle, why was your sandcastle so good?
0:02:21 > 0:02:27I'm just particularly good at making sandcastles, sand sculptures, it's one of my...
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- Some people think, say it's a super power...- But it isn't really, is it?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- No, it's not really.- "A burning building, there's a child trapped!"
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- "Don't worry, I'll make a dolphin." - LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Had Keith Richards made a sandcastle?
0:02:40 > 0:02:45I think he'd attempted one, he wasn't in the best...of health.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48If Keith Richards hadn't had a proper go at the sandcastle
0:02:48 > 0:02:51cos he didn't really care, why was he so angry that you'd won?
0:02:51 > 0:02:55I think because I had trumped Johnny Depp and he's...
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- they're very good friends and... - No, he threw Johnny Depp's bucket in the sea.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00He was just furious, he's...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03He went so mental he threw somebody's bucket without knowing whose it was.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08- LAUGHTER - Can you describe Keith Richards' sandcastle?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10It was basically a mound.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11LAUGHTER
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Did he try to snort it?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- And what beach was this? - This was on a beach in St Vincent
0:03:18 > 0:03:20in the Grenadines.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Was it a completely empty beach, nobody playing on it, sandcastle beach?
0:03:23 > 0:03:24We were on...
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Can I interrupt? If there's a beach with Johnny Depp and Keith Richards
0:03:27 > 0:03:30it's not an empty beach any more, that's going to attract tourists.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34I doubt they were having to film amongst holiday makers.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I've not seen in Pirates Of The Caribbean
0:03:36 > 0:03:39families, you know, carrying kids into the sea,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42"Argh, I'm Cap'n Jack Sparrow. Sorry, mind how you go there, kiddie,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44"put factor 24 on there."
0:03:44 > 0:03:49How far out was the, was the sea from where you were making the sandcastles?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Ah, gosh, brrr, 50 yards?
0:03:52 > 0:03:57Oh, no, and Richards made it all the way down the sea with Depp's bucket?! LAUGHTER
0:03:57 > 0:04:01I reckon he ran ten of those yards and lobbed it the rest.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Get off! He lobbed a plastic bucket 40 yards?!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- LAUGHTER - I think you've heard enough,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- what d'you reckon, is he telling the truth?- I don't know, I...
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- You DON'T know?- D'you think he did it, you think it's a lie?
0:04:14 > 0:04:15- No.- I think he did it.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17So, you think he did, you think the story is true...
0:04:17 > 0:04:19The story is true in its base form.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Right, well, that's pretty much what we need.- That's the game, yeah.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER
0:04:24 > 0:04:26So come on then, Lee, truth or lie?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Right, I'm going to go with Rhod and say it's true.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30You say it's true? OK, Mackenzie Crook,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32star of Pirates Of The Caribbean...
0:04:32 > 0:04:35is it the truth or is it a lie?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37It is a...
0:04:37 > 0:04:38lie.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Oh, is it no, a lie?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42APPLAUSE
0:04:42 > 0:04:46- Of course it was a lie. - Yes, it's a big, big lie.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Mackenzie didn't upset Keith Richards
0:04:48 > 0:04:51by winning The Pirates Of The Caribbean sandcastle competition.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55The cast actually used to pass time on the set
0:04:55 > 0:04:59by drinking lots of beer and then urinating their name into the sand.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03A competition that was amazingly won by Keira Knightley.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Miranda, you're next, off you go.
0:05:09 > 0:05:15Last year, whilst house-sitting for friends, I had to shout for help for two hours
0:05:15 > 0:05:19when I got stuck in their children's Wendy house.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- David, what do you think of that? - Right, so where was the Wendy house?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Er, in their garden.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Was there bait in the Wendy house?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- GRUFFLY:- There was cake and I have to have it!
0:05:34 > 0:05:35No, I actually thought,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37"This looks fun, I'm going to go and have a little look."
0:05:37 > 0:05:40You were supposed to be looking after the children?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- No, I was house-sitting.- Oh, you were house-sitting.- Yes.- Right...
0:05:42 > 0:05:45The Wendy house specifically or the actual house?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- LAUGHTER - The actual house.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- Oh, the actual house.- What was it made of?- Wooden structure.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51It was a shed.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:56A wooden structure in a garden is called a shed, not a Wendy house. LAUGHTER
0:05:56 > 0:06:00It was smaller than a shed, it was a little house made of wood.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02It looks very inviting, you open the little door...
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Yes.- ..crawl in...- Yeah. - ..then what happens?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Then I shut the door, and think, "Oh, this'll be fun."
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Right.- I know I'm coming across as a bit weird!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:18I go to the little door and there's one of those latchy things, which doesn't work,
0:06:18 > 0:06:22and then, so I think, "Well, I'll just push it,"
0:06:22 > 0:06:28and you see it got stuck to the concrete on the bottom
0:06:28 > 0:06:31and I could not push it.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- That's quite sad.- So it was... LAUGHTER
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- It was about, you see...- You're like a very posh Chilean miner.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER
0:06:38 > 0:06:42- So, what, so you shouted for two hours.- Yeah.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43What did you shout?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- Help me!- Help?!
0:06:45 > 0:06:49- LAUGHTER - What d'you think she shouted?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Recipes?
0:06:50 > 0:06:51LAUGHTER
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- Who saved you in the end? - The neighbours.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56And how did they manage to open the door?
0:06:56 > 0:07:02- They got a little saw and sawed around the...latchy bit.- How?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Is this an episode of Tom & Jerry? - LAUGHTER
0:07:05 > 0:07:09How do you do that? How do you get a saw in there?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- It was one of those, "Vrrrr" ones. - LAUGHTER
0:07:12 > 0:07:16- Jig saw.- "Vrrrr!"- It's a jig saw.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- So it has a thing that initially penetrates.- Yes.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23- And then cuts laterally.- There is, there is...- It's a jig saw.- Yes.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Have you ever thought of advertising for B&Q, you'd be the perfect voice.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31"Are you looking for something that does that, then penetrates laterally? B&Q."
0:07:31 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Which way are you leaning on this?
0:07:35 > 0:07:39- So are we leaning towards a lie? - Yeah, but I...- Yeah.- ..I slightly want it to be true
0:07:39 > 0:07:42cos I think it's a funny image of Miranda being stuck, screaming in a Wendy house.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I'm not buying it, I'm afraid.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- Let's say it's a lie. - You're saying it's a lie. OK Miranda, truth or lie?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50It is...
0:07:50 > 0:07:51a lie.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52APPLAUSE
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- You did very well, though. I thought it was impossible.- I was struggling.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Bill, you're up next.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04I have drunk rum from a human skull.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07David's team, what do you think?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10That's...that must have been a dark moment.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I was in Haiti.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Right.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20And I was working, and the opportunity presented itself.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- I, I, I don't think we need to ask any more then.- No.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29LAUGHTER How did the opportunity present itself?
0:08:29 > 0:08:33I was attending a voodoo ceremony in the middle of the night.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- Right.- Best time for a voodoo ceremony. - LAUGHTER
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Those ten o'clock brunch ones are rubbish.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Were you, were you covering the... - Was this work related?- Yes.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- Yeah, work related, yes, it was, yes.- Where was it held?- In Haiti.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Where specifically in Haiti?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Where they practised voodoo. - Yeah, in a conference centre? A cave?
0:08:52 > 0:08:53LAUGHTER
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Don't you know?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- It was in, er, out in the countryside.- Right.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00In a little...shed.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- Right.- And they passed around this skull.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07It wasn't the whole skull that was full, it was, the top had come off.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12They poured rum in it and then they all took a drink from it
0:09:12 > 0:09:15and they asked me to... drink from it as well.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19How did you know that this sort of grey, little...
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- How did I know it was a skull?- Yeah.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Someone told me afterwards,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- I thought it was a coconut at the time.- Right.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Did it have hair on the... did it have hair coming out of it?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31What?! It's a skull.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Like a coconut, he said he thought it was a coconut,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36there are two hard round things that have hair on them,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39human heads and coconuts. That's the point!
0:09:39 > 0:09:40The head, not a skull.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43A skull doesn't have bloody hair on it, does it?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45LAUGHTER
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I think it's possible, I've seen hair on a pork scratching.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:53It gets passed round, you take a sip from the weird grey saucer,
0:09:53 > 0:09:57it gets passed on, the voodoo ceremony ends, you head back.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Who tapped you on the shoulder and went, "I'll tell you what you just drank out of, mate."
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- Was it the bloke with his brain showing? - LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:09I was there actually to do an interview with a zombie.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- You met the zombie?- Yes.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15When you say zombie, what d'you mean?
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Well, he's a zombie.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Well, a zombie is somebody in the hinterland between life and death, you idiot.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- LAUGHTER - Evidently he wasn't that.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Can I just say your hosting position is a bit aggressive?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29LAUGHTER
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- What do you mean by a zombie, Bill? - Well, they said he was a zombie.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Oh, right. - They brought him in
0:10:35 > 0:10:37and said, "Now you can do an interview with him."
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Oh, you interviewed him! - LAUGHTER
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Did you mic, did you mic the zombie up?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:49What are you thinking, David? Is Bill telling the truth or is he lying?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Katherine, what do you think?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I think it's so mental and ludicrous,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I just, I don't think it's true.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Insane, I'm going to say that is not true.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02So we're going to say we think it's a lie.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06You think it's a lie? OK, Bill Turnbull...truth or lie?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09What did you say - "insane", "ludicrous"?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11And true.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12APPLAUSE
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Rebecca.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Erm, right...
0:11:20 > 0:11:22OK.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I have vomited in Cliff Richard's hedge.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26LAUGHTER
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Now, can I just be very clear about this?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I don't know about you, but I'm terrible with euphemisms.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37LAUGHTER
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- Was it his front hedge or his back hedge?- Lee, please.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Please, Lee!
0:11:41 > 0:11:42- It was the hedge... - Inside a Wendy house.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45..abutting the pavement, the front pavement.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Where is this house?
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Er, I think it was Surrey.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52You think, how drunk were you?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54No, I was very, very young at the time,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- this explains the vomiting. - How old were you?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58I think I was about five or six.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01How did you know it was Cliff Richard's house?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Because I was...
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- He came out and said, "Congratulations." - LAUGHTER
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I had been taken to see this house
0:12:09 > 0:12:12because it was Cliff Richard's house.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Oh, you were taken like a day out?- Yeah,
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- because I was a big fan at the time. - LAUGHTER
0:12:18 > 0:12:23- Was it a revulsion or something you had eaten? - Car sickness.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Car sickness.- Yeah.- What was the plan when you were getting there?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- It was a drive-by almost.- Just him...
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- A drive-by puking.- Drive-by puking. - Drive-by vomit.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Presumably there was a lot of other vomit in the hedge,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39it was sort of matted with the vomit of admirers.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Probably.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Was Cliff in the house going, "Oh, oh, oh, what's, what's...?"
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- I'm doing Cliff Richard. - LAUGHTER
0:12:48 > 0:12:51You never want to say the phrase, "I'm doing Cliff Richard." Never.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56Never say that, Rob, especially if you're doing that with your hands.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- So, what do we think, Lee? - Shall we say true, Nick?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02I think so, it's a dismal little story.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:08 > 0:13:10D'you know what, can I just say,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- you really should have your own chat show, you'd be amazing. - LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:15So, Lee, you are saying that it's true, yeah?
0:13:15 > 0:13:20- We'll say it's true.- You're going to say it's true. OK, Rebecca Front, is it true or is it a lie?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22It is true.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Well done, team.- Well done. - APPLAUSE
0:13:27 > 0:13:32Yes, Rebecca did once vomit in Cliff Richard's hedge.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Cliff, on the other hand,
0:13:33 > 0:13:37has never been made to feel nauseous by a bush of any kind.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38LAUGHTER
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Sarah Millican, you're next.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I once ruined a Christening party
0:13:45 > 0:13:49when I was overheard calling the baby ugly on a baby monitor.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50LAUGHTER
0:13:50 > 0:13:51David.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55So, the baby monitor, presumably, is by the baby.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Yes.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00So you, so most of the party is in, let's call it room A.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02OK.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- And the baby... - How big is your house?- Is, is...
0:14:05 > 0:14:06Room Z!
0:14:06 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Oh, we'd never speak of Room Z.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11LAUGHTER
0:14:15 > 0:14:19And the baby is in Room B, very appropriately in Room B.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20B for baby, yes.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22So, you're looking over the baby.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25It just, you know, looked like a Winston Churchill,
0:14:25 > 0:14:26like they all do when they're born,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- you know, just little and fat. - LAUGHTER
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- So I just, you know, spoke up. - What did you say?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I just said, it wasn't very pretty.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37LAUGHTER
0:14:37 > 0:14:39What sort of monitor was it, Sarah? Was it an audio monitor?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Cos we recently invested in the video and audio monitor
0:14:43 > 0:14:47and if there are any young parents like myself out there, then...
0:14:47 > 0:14:49LAUGHTER
0:14:49 > 0:14:52..then I would recommend getting the video cos you can see them, it's lovely.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57- Isn't it a lovely image, Rob's wife putting him in the cot like that. - LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- It gives her peace of mind, she knows I'm safe. - LAUGHTER
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I went on holiday with a couple and they had...
0:15:03 > 0:15:08- You bloody pervert! - LAUGHTER
0:15:08 > 0:15:11They had a walkie-talkie on the dinner table, in the evening,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14and they said... I said, "What is that?"
0:15:14 > 0:15:18They said, "We use this as a baby monitor
0:15:18 > 0:15:22"because they've got a much better range."
0:15:22 > 0:15:27But wouldn't the baby have to press it down to talk into it?
0:15:27 > 0:15:32Yeah, it sort of went, "Wah! Wah! Over."
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- LAUGHTER - David, what's it's going to be, truth or lie?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I would say that saying that, basically what you were saying is,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40"Oh, babies all look the same to me, they look sort of baby-like,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43"I don't find them that pretty," that's not that rude a thing to say.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Saying SPECIFICALLY, "That baby is hideous,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49"what with its third eye and everything."
0:15:49 > 0:15:50That wouldn't have been shocking
0:15:50 > 0:15:53because everybody else would have noticed the third eye as well.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56They might have tried to be nice about it and said, "Oh, what a lovely extra feature."
0:15:56 > 0:15:57LAUGHTER
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Frank?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Well, I sort of believe it.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Yeah, yeah, no, it's easily done, yeah.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- We think it's true then. - You think it's true?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Sarah, were you telling the truth?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10It is...
0:16:10 > 0:16:11a lie.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12APPLAUSE
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Oh.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Nick, you're next.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- Possession.- Ah right, there's a box,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25if you just pick, pick that up, bring, bring it up to the desk there
0:16:25 > 0:16:27and would you read, there's a card in there,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I'd like you to read the card first
0:16:29 > 0:16:32and then reach back in and take out the possession.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Right, OK.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37This is a hat from my hat collection.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38LAUGHTER
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I wear one whenever I throw a dinner party.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47OK, now take out the possession, the hat.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Please be a fez.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Wow, oh, let's see.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54There we are, how's that?
0:16:54 > 0:16:55- Terrible.- Wow.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58You should wear that in the boardroom, that would be terrifying.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Just pop it down there. David's team, what d'you think?
0:17:01 > 0:17:02What sort of hat is that, Nick?
0:17:02 > 0:17:07- That hat is the hat... - LAUGHTER
0:17:07 > 0:17:10..of a Kazakhstan...
0:17:10 > 0:17:11border guard.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- Can we have a look at it?- Yes.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Lee, it's a hat.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Oh, yes, it's his hat, isn't it?
0:17:20 > 0:17:21LAUGHTER
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Thank you.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I would love to see you wearing that hat, David.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Well, I'd be very proud to wear it.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- It's a bit small for me. - Very fetching though.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35LAUGHTER
0:17:37 > 0:17:38APPLAUSE
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Would you like to tell us how you came by this?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:17:44 > 0:17:49- Then please do.- I happened to be dawdling my way through Kazakhstan...
0:17:49 > 0:17:54- LAUGHTER - ..and on the way out of Kazakhstan
0:17:54 > 0:17:58I thought it would be sad to leave that great country...
0:17:58 > 0:17:59without a souvenir.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Did this belong to a border guard? Did you...
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Erm, I'm going to let that one pass.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Is that what you said as you walked through?
0:18:07 > 0:18:08LAUGHTER
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Are you implying that you stole it?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I'm not really, I'm pleading the fifth on that one.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Now, can you tell me some... - LAUGHTER
0:18:16 > 0:18:21something, about your hat parties? What happens at these hat parties?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Wherever I go I try and pick up a national hat,
0:18:23 > 0:18:27so I have one from Kyrgyzstan from Mongolia,
0:18:27 > 0:18:28from Kazakhstan, from Russia...
0:18:28 > 0:18:31So you have a whole assortment of ridiculous military hats?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I keep them on a beam on my house and we have all the different hats up there
0:18:34 > 0:18:38and when dinner parties get rowdy we put our hats on.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Wow. I want to get to that party!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Is everyone allowed to wear these hats, or is it just you and...
0:18:44 > 0:18:46No, everybody's got to pick their hats
0:18:46 > 0:18:51- and then sometimes during dinner we change them around.- Ah, wild! - LAUGHTER
0:18:51 > 0:18:55How do you swap the hats round, like keys in a bowl sort of thing?
0:18:55 > 0:18:59No, we just, "Oh, may I have a go with yours?"
0:18:59 > 0:19:03I think it's very much like the key in the bowl!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Keys in the bowl thing.- David, I'd like you to take a guess, please.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- I think this is true. - You think it's true, OK.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Nick, is it true or is it a lie?
0:19:12 > 0:19:13- True.- True.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15APPLAUSE
0:19:16 > 0:19:20And here's a picture of Nick in another of his favourite hats.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Isn't that nice?
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Yes, it's true, that is a hat from Nick's hat collection
0:19:28 > 0:19:30that he wears at dinner parties.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33One of Nick's dinner parties ended up in a food fight.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Margaret Mountford got a face full of Sugar
0:19:35 > 0:19:39and when Lady Sugar found out she started a food fight.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40LAUGHTER
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Katherine, you're up next.
0:19:45 > 0:19:52Me and my husband have a fake laugh that we do at parties to signal when it's time to leave.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Oh, fantastic.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Lee, fake laughs, what d'you know about those?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Well, I know she's been doing it quite a lot tonight.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01LAUGHTER
0:20:01 > 0:20:02That's nice, do that again.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
0:20:05 > 0:20:10Is that it? What about just saying, "Can we leave now, darling?"
0:20:10 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:13That was, "Can we leave now, darling?"
0:20:13 > 0:20:14LAUGHTER
0:20:15 > 0:20:16APPLAUSE
0:20:20 > 0:20:23So, just put us through this scenario then.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27You're both having the same conversation at a party with somebody else...
0:20:27 > 0:20:32And when one of us wants to go home, we will just laugh in a certain way.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Does your husband do the same laugh as you, or has he got his own version?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37He's got his version, his voice is deeper than mine.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Same thing but deeper?- Yeah. - Like, for instance?- Do his laugh.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Sort of...
0:20:42 > 0:20:43It's sort of, erm...
0:20:43 > 0:20:45"HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"
0:20:45 > 0:20:47LAUGHTER
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- Give me your laugh again cos I didn't quite hear it.- OK.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- This is Katherine's laugh.- Yeah.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- LAUGHTER - And now the husband's laugh.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Well, I'm not so good at doing that one, so, you know.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Do the husband's laugh. - LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I feel like you're mocking me.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05No, I'm threatening you.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:07 > 0:21:10HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- And your laugh again? - HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- And his laugh?- HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- OK, OK.- What was your laugh like again?- HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
0:21:18 > 0:21:19And his laugh?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21LAUGHTER
0:21:21 > 0:21:22When's the last time you did it?
0:21:22 > 0:21:26I think we did it about two weeks ago at...
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Who were you talking to? LAUGHTER
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I'd rather not say on television.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- Is it a television person, is it someone famous?- No.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35No, it's not someone famous,
0:21:35 > 0:21:38it's someone who LOVES being insulted on television. LAUGHTER
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- Lee, let's go for a guess.- Shall we say it's true, is that what we're saying?
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- I think that, but I'm going with you.- You're trusting me, aren't you?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- I'll trust you.- Trust. - I don't know why, but I will.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Go on, true.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51You're saying true, OK, Katherine, truth or lie?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53It is in fact...
0:21:53 > 0:21:54a lie.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Ohh!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57APPLAUSE
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Yes, it's a lie!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Katherine and her husband don't have a fake laugh
0:22:01 > 0:22:04that they do at parties to signal when it's time to leave.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06When they're bored stiff at a party, they say,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08"Thanks for having us, Rob, but we'd better make a move."
0:22:08 > 0:22:10LAUGHTER
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Bill.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- It's a possession.- Ah, there's a little box under your desk,
0:22:15 > 0:22:16if you'd bring that up, please.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Take the possession out for us
0:22:18 > 0:22:22and then read the card for us, please.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25This is my conversation book.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26In it...
0:22:26 > 0:22:27LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:30..I've written a list of topics that I refer to
0:22:30 > 0:22:33should I ever run out of things to talk about.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER
0:22:35 > 0:22:39How do you, without seeming weird, consult the book
0:22:39 > 0:22:42in the middle of this floundering conversation?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43LAUGHTER
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Like that.- Like that, you hardly noticed.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Have you thought about draught proofing your house recently, Rob?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Yes, I have, yes, I have.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Is that one of your subjects, to sort of enliven a conversation?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56LAUGHTER
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- Is that genuinely in the book? - No, to be honest, erm...- Let me see.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Give me the book, give me the book.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Throw me the book.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05This is a very special book to me.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12We promise...we promise we'll take good care of the book.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14LAUGHTER
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Erm...
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Right, let's have a look, OK.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Home insulation tips is indeed the first thing. LAUGHTER
0:23:23 > 0:23:28- Interest rates, very low of course. - They may be going up.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Yeah, they may be going up, but not on this programme!
0:23:31 > 0:23:32LAUGHTER
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Are the Cotswolds overrated?
0:23:35 > 0:23:36LAUGHTER
0:23:37 > 0:23:42- Are the Cotswolds overrated? - See, it's interesting, isn't it?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Rugby, three question marks after rugby.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47D'you not know much about rugby,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49is that why you were a bit worried about...
0:23:49 > 0:23:51No, sometimes it doesn't really work as a topic
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- and I'm not sure... - Not with women.- ..how it would go with you, Katherine.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Quite a few of those won't go very well with me, if I'm honest with you!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01When was the last time you thought about draught proofing your...
0:24:01 > 0:24:02HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04LAUGHTER
0:24:04 > 0:24:06APPLAUSE
0:24:07 > 0:24:10What do you call it? Is there a name, like the Governor?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14"I'll just ask the Governor," something like that. Yeah.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16LAUGHTER D'you call it the Ustinov?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:21"I'll just consult Ustinov...
0:24:21 > 0:24:23"Erm...
0:24:23 > 0:24:24"rugby?"
0:24:24 > 0:24:26LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Let's write some unexpected ones in it!
0:24:28 > 0:24:30LAUGHTER
0:24:31 > 0:24:34"Boobs!"
0:24:34 > 0:24:35LAUGHTER
0:24:37 > 0:24:38APPLAUSE
0:24:39 > 0:24:43"So, Archbishop, what d'you think about boobs?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45"Oh, my God!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47"I said BOOBS!"
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- Right, David, come on. - Well, I don't think it's true.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52I think...I think it is.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I mean, he went to all the effort of doing it.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Well, someone did. LAUGHTER
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- You think it's true and you think it's a lie?- Lie.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Decide.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03I think it's a lie, my instinct is it's a lie.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05OK, Bill, truth or lie.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I'm immensely relieved to tell you it is in fact...
0:25:08 > 0:25:09a lie.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11APPLAUSE
0:25:12 > 0:25:14It's a lie,
0:25:14 > 0:25:18it's not Bill's conversation book that he refers to if he ever runs out of things to talk about.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22In fact, if Bill ever finds himself short of things to say
0:25:22 > 0:25:25he just throws to Carol Kirkwood for a round up of the weather.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26LAUGHTER
0:25:26 > 0:25:28BUZZER SOUNDS
0:25:28 > 0:25:29It's me.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER
0:25:32 > 0:25:37For one week I appeared in a Dear Deidre photo casebook
0:25:37 > 0:25:39in the Sun newspaper.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Both teams are able to probe me.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45LAUGHTER
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Although I'd be happiest if it was Lorraine.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Can I just clarify the Dear Deirdre is the sex thing where you have sex problems
0:25:52 > 0:25:54and you're the photographs with the balloons.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59- What are you doing, what's your relationship problem? - I was the husband.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- What was the problem?- The wife was attracted to my friend.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- And what face did you do? - I only realised at the very end,
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- so most of the time I was being happy or vacant. - LAUGHTER
0:26:08 > 0:26:11How did you find out in the story about the...
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- that she fancied the friend? - I walked in on them, so I had to...
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Oh, do the walked in face!
0:26:15 > 0:26:20I did vacant, happy, shocked and sad.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Right, do happy.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Do vacant.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24LAUGHTER
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- Shocked.- Shocked.- Shocked.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27There you go.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- Do sad.- Sad.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Oh, oh, that's nasty, that's...that looks pained.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Well, how would you feel?
0:26:36 > 0:26:40My best friend was in bed with my wife!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42No, it doesn't look like you're upset,
0:26:42 > 0:26:46it looks like you're trying to pass something uncomfortable.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Let's imagine for a moment that Lorraine was my wife.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50She is having a relationship
0:26:50 > 0:26:54with the better-looking half of Mitchell and Webb, OK?
0:26:54 > 0:26:58He's not here so we'll use David. Right...
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- Boo.- Boo!- So the two of them...
0:27:00 > 0:27:04So the two of them, so get yourself in a position that might, you know.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- Are we have having an affair, is that what he's saying?- Yes.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- We have to get closer.- I don't know how you do that.- Do it, do it, do it!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- I could sit on you.- Oh, all right.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- I don't want to squish you! - APPLAUSE
0:27:16 > 0:27:17OK.
0:27:17 > 0:27:22- In this scenario, am I waiting my turn? - LAUGHTER
0:27:24 > 0:27:26So I...
0:27:26 > 0:27:27LAUGHTER
0:27:30 > 0:27:34I'm coming home. I'm about to give you shocked.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- Truth or lie, Lee? - We're going to say lie, are we, Sue?
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- I think so.- Lie. - OK, I don't think I can argue.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Lie? OK, David?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- I think it's a lie. - You think it's a lie?- Mm.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- OK, we'll say it's a lie. - You'll say it's a lie. A-ha.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00It is in fact...
0:28:00 > 0:28:01a lie.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02APPLAUSE
0:28:03 > 0:28:04BUZZER SOUNDS
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Well, that's all for now, good night!
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:24 > 0:28:27E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk