0:00:26 > 0:00:29Good evening, welcome along to Would I Lie To You,
0:00:29 > 0:00:33the show where porky-pies are the dish of the day every day.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38one of the best-known faces on EastEnders.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42David, it's a show about working-class people. Nina Wadia!
0:00:42 > 0:00:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:45 > 0:00:48And he's the star of Screenwipe, Newswipe, Gameswipe
0:00:48 > 0:00:52and for one night only Would I Lie To You-wipe, it's Charlie Brooker!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:59And joining David Mitchell tonight,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01his catchphrase on MasterChef is,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04"Cooking doesn't get tougher than this."
0:01:04 > 0:01:05LAUGHTER
0:01:05 > 0:01:11Here's a man who's clearly never tasted Mrs Brydon's Yorkshire puddings. Gregg Wallace!
0:01:11 > 0:01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:16And a splendid actor who withdrew from I'm A Celebrity
0:01:16 > 0:01:20because he didn't want to eat kangaroo testicles or crocodile anus.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER
0:01:21 > 0:01:26He's going to go hungry in the greenroom tonight. Nigel Havers!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:29 > 0:01:31And so to Round One. It's Home Truths,
0:01:31 > 0:01:35where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44The opposing team separate the facts from the fibs.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Gregg, you're first up, please reveal all.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52"I always make toast by ironing the bread."
0:01:52 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:54 > 0:01:56"It tastes much better that way."
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Lee, what do you think?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- Do you, do you apply butter pre-ironing?- No.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- What, that would be MENTAL. - No, it would be crazy
0:02:04 > 0:02:08because then you are in danger, of course, of cooking the butter,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10you'd get a beurre noisette on top of your toast,
0:02:10 > 0:02:12which wouldn't do you any good at all.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- He's good.- Beurre, not, "bwer". - Is this the same...
0:02:15 > 0:02:18the same iron that you use for the clothes then straight after?
0:02:18 > 0:02:22You can use any hot, flat, metal implement to iron the bread,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25you don't have to use an electric iron.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- What other...- I quite often put a shirt in the toaster!
0:02:28 > 0:02:32What other hot, flat, metal implements do you have?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Well, you can get a spatula and heat it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37A spatula, that must take a long time to do toast?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Not a plastic one!
0:02:39 > 0:02:40I know the basics, Gregg.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44You could get a fish slice and the...
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Is this the kind of advice you give out on MasterChef?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- COCKNEY ACCENT - "Never ever heat up a plastic spatula."
0:02:50 > 0:02:52LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:54What's the bread on?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57It doesn't matter what the bread's on! A work surface.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01So when you put the iron on you're going to squash it a little bit, surely?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03To flatten and squash it a bit is the point.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Without getting your sweaty palm on it.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Bread is flat, isn't it?
0:03:07 > 0:03:12Well, of course, it's not rolling hillocks, I know this.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- It's also bouncy. - Bread isn't necessarily flat.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17If you slice it flat, it's flat. LAUGHTER
0:03:17 > 0:03:19A loaf of bread isn't flat.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- What are you doing, "to-pourri"? - LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- I mean, you can't say bread is flat. - Now I'll make it into a budgie.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29- Paper is flat, bread isn't necessarily flat.- Can I ask...
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Bread's only flat if you cut it into a flat shape
0:03:31 > 0:03:34and then iron it, like anyone sensible. LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:37If I was going to pick you up on anything tonight, Lee,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41and I like to think that I will, it would be how you pronounce the word topiary.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- To-pourri?- Did anybody notice, he went, "to-pourii"?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46It was like a wonderful mixture of trimming a hedge
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- and a little bowl you have of things that smell nice in the house. - LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:54- I say to-pourri, what do you say? - Well, it's topiary, not to-pourri!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56So, hang on, hang on, whoa, whoa, just to backtrack,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- there's a man ironing his bread... - LAUGHTER
0:03:59 > 0:04:03and I'm being picked up because I'm saying to-pourri a bit like potpourri?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- Where the hell's David gone?! - LAUGHTER
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Oh, I thought he was so middle class
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- that I'd pronounced it wrong and he'd fainted! - LAUGHTER
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I'll tell you, I knocked a water bottle
0:04:13 > 0:04:17onto what I can only describe as a nest of wires.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20And also, he was a little bored!
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Oh, yeah, you idiots trying to teach Lee how to speak,
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I mean, we could be here all night! LAUGHTER
0:04:26 > 0:04:28APPLAUSE
0:04:29 > 0:04:33If you iron bread, wouldn't you... Would it ever properly toast?
0:04:33 > 0:04:38- Wouldn't it just get very soggy and hot?- You could put butter in the steaming bit.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41You could have a butter one and a jam one.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44But if you put the jam in, you'll have the problem you have with a Pop-Tart,
0:04:44 > 0:04:48which is when a Pop-Tart comes out and you forget to let it cool...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Something working-class people have for breakfast, - LAUGHTER
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Before it's mentioned. - I'm as working class as it gets,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- I don't know what a Pop-Tart is. - You iron bread!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER
0:04:59 > 0:05:00APPLAUSE
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I don't always use an iron!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- What do you sometimes use? - I just told you!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- A hot metal implement... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.- ..like a spatula.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Yeah, or a fish slice.- How are you heating up the fish slice?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14You could just put that on a naked flame.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19It's just occurred to me that it's a bit like toasting on the Aga cos it's a hot surface.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- Similar, mind you...- That is posh!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Aga, that's a posh thing, suddenly realised!
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Have you seen an Aga? - Yes, I have seen an Aga!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I'll have you know I've broken into some very nice homes!
0:05:29 > 0:05:30LAUGHTER
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- What are you going to say, Lee, truth or lie?- I dunno, what d'you think?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38A fish... To toast bread with a fish slice,
0:05:38 > 0:05:42you'd have to get it up to such a temperature it'd be like molten lava.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I hate to bring everyone, but the allegation is an iron.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Oh, no, no, he said that he also does it with a fish slice.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54- That's chat you're having on your own time, the allegation is the iron.- Who are you, his lawyer?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56For the purposes of this, yes!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Come on, let's make a decision. - Right, what d'you think?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I simply don't buy it because of the fish-slice issue.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Nina?
0:06:04 > 0:06:09I just can't imagine that he'd waste like 20 minutes ironing a piece of bread in the mornings.
0:06:09 > 0:06:1120 minutes?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- Well, if it... - How big is your bread?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- We go lie?- Yeah.- We'll say lie. - You're saying lie.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Gregg Wallace, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- It's a lie.- It's a lie.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- APPLAUSE - I thought I did well, I thought I did well.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30Yeah, Gregg doesn't make toast by ironing bread.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I made a mental note to try that!
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Right, Charlie, you're next.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43"I once refused to pick up my girlfriend from the station
0:06:43 > 0:06:46"because I couldn't bear to step over a spider
0:06:46 > 0:06:49"that was between me and my front door."
0:06:49 > 0:06:51LAUGHTER
0:06:51 > 0:06:52David.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Was this out of fear or respect for the spider?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Kind of a combination of both.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02What happened was she rang me and she was slightly...
0:07:02 > 0:07:04It was late and so she wanted me to collect,
0:07:04 > 0:07:09- be a gentleman, walk her home, so I had to tell her I wouldn't... - You were prepared to tell her
0:07:09 > 0:07:15that you were too frightened to walk across the spider to collect her in the middle of the night?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- It was a big spider! - How PATHETIC was that?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19It caused a huge argument
0:07:19 > 0:07:22cos I was refusing to let... She was saying she would,
0:07:22 > 0:07:26you know, she didn't want to walk through the streets of London, it was frightening at night
0:07:26 > 0:07:30and I was going, "Yeah, but there's a spider here, which is real.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- "You're scared of some notional threat, I can see one." - LAUGHTER
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Get a stick or something, give it a little tweak and it'll run away.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42And he has faced spiders in the JUNGLE,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44and Lembit Opik.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER We still don't know how she got in, you got out and then what happened.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Well, obviously I was scared so I dropped a...
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I dropped a Yellow Pages on it.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57- I kill spiders without any conscious...- With only hours
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- and hours of terrified hesitation. - David, which way are you leaning?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Could be true, but that's so often the case on this game.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- A complete lie!- You think it's a complete lie?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- If it's true, I feel very sorry for Charlie, actually. It's pathetic. - Don't PITY me!
0:08:10 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Don't just openly pity me, for God's sake!
0:08:14 > 0:08:18I hate it when there's so much riding on whether something's true or a lie,
0:08:18 > 0:08:22particularly when it's just a game, but now it's your whole view of Charlie.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- What d'you think?- A lie.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- OK, we're going to say... - You're going to say lie?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- ..it's a lie.- David's team think it's a lie.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Were you telling the truth or were you telling us a lie?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34It's actually a hideous...
0:08:34 > 0:08:35truth.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Oh, no!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38APPLAUSE
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I'm genuinely paralysed by fear when I encounter a spider -
0:08:43 > 0:08:47they're not natural. I know they ARE, but you know what I mean.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I don't like spiders at all and I would agree with you, Charlie,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- they are basically monsters.- Yeah.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54But fortunately they are tiny. LAUGHTER
0:08:54 > 0:08:59I tell you what spiders would scare me - the spiders that kill you in Australia,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01the spiders that hide in toilets
0:09:01 > 0:09:03and bite you on the arse just when you're,
0:09:03 > 0:09:07at your most relaxed and then you... LAUGHTER
0:09:07 > 0:09:09You don't see them, you die happy.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12You die at the moment of relaxation the glorious moment of egestion,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14"Ahh," and then, all gone.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Can I ask you, David, is that the only time you, you truly relax?
0:09:18 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Yeah, even then I don't truly relax!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Yes, it's true, Charlie did refuse to pick his girlfriend up
0:09:26 > 0:09:29because he couldn't step over a spider on the stairs.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32The best way to get rid of a spider is with a glass
0:09:32 > 0:09:33and a piece of cardboard.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35You put the cardboard over the spider,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37then bash it to death with the glass!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Nigel Havers, you're next.
0:09:39 > 0:09:44Right. "I once went on a date with a flamenco dancer
0:09:44 > 0:09:46"who turned out to be a man."
0:09:46 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER
0:09:48 > 0:09:53Oh, Lee, this is ringing bells for you, isn't it?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55This reminds me of the time I was a flamenco dancer
0:09:55 > 0:09:57and I once went out with Nigel Havers!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Well, OK. First of all, when was this?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I was 15, 16.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08You knew that this woman, as you thought she was at the time, was a flamenco dancer?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Yes, well, yes, I'd seen her dance.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Oh, and that's what attracted you to her, when she was dancing?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- Yes.- So tell me the story, but after you've seen her dance,
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- so where did you see her dancing? - I was on holiday.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Where?- In Spain.- Spain?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Thank you, in Spain, actually.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- You were on holiday with your family?- Yeah, family.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34OK, so you're watching the flamenco dancer and she's how old?
0:10:34 > 0:10:39- Young, I mean, 18, bit older, I don't...- So, she's about 18 and so what happens next?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41So you're watching her dance in a show, I guess?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45I was watching her dancing and I thought I would ask her out.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47And she said... (LOW-PITCHED) ..yes.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48LAUGHTER
0:10:48 > 0:10:53Just so you know, mate, I don't kiss on the first date!
0:10:53 > 0:10:54LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Now, I'm not messing about, these are the ground rules.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00You can kiss but no bollock-grabbing!
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- LAUGHTER - No clues!
0:11:04 > 0:11:07How do you make contact? Where was she when you asked her out?
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- In the hotel we were staying at. - So you just went round to her room,
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- you sort of tapped on the door, she got confused and started dancing... - LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:19- ..and then she opens the door and she says, "What can I do for you?" - LAUGHTER
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Take it from there.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25She's smoking, she's got to decide whether she's got a pipe
0:11:25 > 0:11:27or a little roll-up. LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:29No, no she, she's very classy,
0:11:29 > 0:11:33she only smokes the Woodbines outside and the pipe in her room.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34LAUGHTER
0:11:34 > 0:11:38So you're on the date, how long is it before you found out she's a man?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42- A couple of hours.- So, two hours, and how does this come about?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Was it during a fumble or a conversation?
0:11:45 > 0:11:46It was due...
0:11:46 > 0:11:48LAUGHTER
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I mean that, really, THAT is the interesting question!
0:11:52 > 0:11:53LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I think it'd be fair to say I'm speaking on behalf of the group.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- We're all thinking it! - At the urinals?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- I'm just trying to remember. - "You don't mind if I stand, do ya?"
0:12:05 > 0:12:07LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Oh, sorry, she's out, isn't she?
0:12:11 > 0:12:12LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- We were on the dance floor.- On the dance floor, doing the flamenco?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- No, just dancing, quite, you know, close, close.- Slow dancing.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- Ahh, I can see where this is going! - LAUGHTER
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Something came between us.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29So what did you do, Nigel? You kind of went, "Ohh!"
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I went, "Whoa!", I did, I went, "Whoa!", just like that
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- and then I left immediately. - What do you think, Lee?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38It's a harrowing tale for the young lad.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42I think Nigel's a very nice, polite man
0:12:42 > 0:12:44and you can imagine what he was like when he was 16,
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- probably even politer and possibly a little bit shy at 16.- Possibly.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I think he'd have just been too...
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- He'd have just gone through with it because... - LAUGHTER
0:12:54 > 0:12:59I don't buy that you would be able to ask somebody out
0:12:59 > 0:13:02and not twig that they were a man.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05What about you, Nina, where, where, what do you think?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- You're a woman after all. - Yeah, hopefully!
0:13:07 > 0:13:08LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Do you know, it's the kind of thing that happens, I think,
0:13:14 > 0:13:15to a lot of actors,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18where you get confident when you're a lot younger,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21so I imagine that something like this could have happened.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22- You think it's true?- I do.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25What's it going to be, Lee, truth or lie?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- It's a lie.- OK, you say it's a lie,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Nigel Havers, truth or lie?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Well...it's...
0:13:31 > 0:13:33the truth.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35GASPING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:35 > 0:13:37We won one!
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Yes, it's true, Nigel did go on a date with a flamenco dancer
0:13:42 > 0:13:44who turned out to be a man.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48So at the end of that round, David's team has two points,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Lee's in the lead with three points.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52APPLAUSE
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:13:57 > 0:14:00who has a connection to one of our panellists.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Please welcome this week's special guest, John.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04APPLAUSE
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Right, Charlie, we'll start with you.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- How do you know John? - This is John...
0:14:15 > 0:14:18On Valentine's Day, when I was 17,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I presented him with a dustbin for his daughter.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Nina, how do you know John?
0:14:24 > 0:14:30This is John, he was the first person ever to have a drink at the Queen Vic
0:14:30 > 0:14:34and the first person ever to have a curry at my restaurant, The Argee Bhajee.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36And Lee, what about you?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39This is John and he is the previous owner of my house,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42who still pops round with his deckchair
0:14:42 > 0:14:45so he can sit in my garden on sunny days.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48All right, so, there we are.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- David, where do you want to start? - Oh... Well, Charlie...
0:14:52 > 0:14:55what's... This is quite a complex series of events.
0:14:55 > 0:15:00You presented him with a dustbin on Valentine's Day,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03when you were 17, for his daughter?
0:15:03 > 0:15:09Yes, I intended to give the bin to her,
0:15:09 > 0:15:13but she wasn't there, so I gave the bin to John.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15What was the name of his daughter?
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Ted Rogers.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17LAUGHTER
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Catherine.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Catherine, what sort of bin was it?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Like a big garden bin, OK?
0:15:26 > 0:15:30I thought it would be a funny Valentine's gift,
0:15:30 > 0:15:31was to give a bin...
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Because it's SO unromantic! LAUGHTER
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Yes, but that's the clever ruse, you see, if you're a bit, you know,
0:15:38 > 0:15:40you're a bit unsure of yourself,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42so you don't want to give a card that says,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45"I actually fancy you," you want to give something that, sort of,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48could make you look a...bit...mad?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52What, what was the, was there a note, with the bin, saying a poem?
0:15:52 > 0:15:57No I... I put her initials on it,
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- you could get these gold initials you could stick...- Oh, you can,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04you can ask for a bin to have, like, nice gold initials
0:16:04 > 0:16:07or a something, you know, a nice sentiment written on it.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- A monogrammed bin.- A lot of companies do that to bins.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12No, I made it, don't be facetious!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Sorry.- I stuck the letters on myself.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- You haven't got a shred of romance in you! - LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Was it wrapped, did you wrap it?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- I put a red bow round it.- Red... - Romantic red bow.- No, you didn't!
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Don't mock what happened, I was really nervous that day!
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- Don't rubbish his bin.- Yeah. - I was really, my heart...
0:16:31 > 0:16:33I can imagine why you were nervous,
0:16:33 > 0:16:37you were probably thinking, "I don't know, is the bin the right present?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40"I mean, I think any girl would love a bin,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43"but you can't be sure." LAUGHTER
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Oh, I'm glad my torment amuses you so much,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48you NASTY little man!
0:16:48 > 0:16:50LAUGHTER
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Let's move along now, I think, to someone else.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56So, Lee, why would you let the previous owner of your house
0:16:56 > 0:16:58still come and sun himself in the garden?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Don't say it's because you're kind cos I know you! LAUGHTER
0:17:03 > 0:17:06What's wrong with his garden?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08That's the sad story, he hasn't got a garden any more.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Oh, right.- Does he live on his own? - Yeah, in a flat.
0:17:11 > 0:17:16And he keeps a deckchair just for the purpose of visiting your garden?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Well, yeah, cos he used to come round and then I found out that he loved the garden
0:17:20 > 0:17:24and so I said, "Well, come round if you want to come and sit in my garden."
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- Sweet, but it's bollocks, isn't it? - LAUGHTER
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Why don't you let him leave a deckchair there?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I don't tell him he has to take the deckchair,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35but I don't know, maybe...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- maybe he hasn't got any furniture. - LAUGHTER
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Nina, remind us.
0:17:42 > 0:17:50Sure, John is basically a supporting artist that has been there since day one, 25 years on EastEnders,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53and he's known as being the first of everything,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56so he'll be the first who had a drink at the Vic,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59he's the first in the launderette,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02he's the first who's, kind of, done any set.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- And also you say he was the first person to eat in...- To have a curry
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- since the Masoods have owned the Argee Bhajee.- Right...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- So, so well that's very, I mean... - I can't...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- That's very plausible.- Yeah.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- At the same time could have been made up. - Can I just check something?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Is he the first in every, well he's not,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21he's the bloke who sits in the garden, but if he wasn't...
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- LAUGHTER - is he, is he the first...
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Imagine he wasn't, right, the bloke that sits in my garden...
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- APPLAUSE - ..for a minute, and he is, but imagine he's not, right?
0:18:31 > 0:18:36If it turns out you were telling the truth, Lee, this is one hell of a ballsy double bluff!
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- LAUGHTER - Is he the first in EVERY set?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Is he like, is he like in Dot Cotton's cupboard,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45is he just stepping out, or you mean in the public sets?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- No, in the public sets. - So, David...
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Is John Charlie's dustbin dad, Nina's EastEnders extra
0:18:51 > 0:18:53or Lee's friend with the deckchair?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Do you watch EastEnders, d'you recognise this guy?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Hands up if you recognise him.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Has anybody been in my garden?
0:19:00 > 0:19:01LAUGHTER
0:19:01 > 0:19:04It's DEFINITELY not Lee... LAUGHTER
0:19:04 > 0:19:07And Charlie's is so ridiculous,
0:19:07 > 0:19:09it's just so absolutely up his road, isn't it?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Charlie became so heated in defence of his romantic actions.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Too passionate about it really. Bless.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17That's what emotions are like.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19LAUGHTER
0:19:19 > 0:19:23It's a hell of a thing to get back in touch with the father of someone
0:19:23 > 0:19:28you were infatuated with years ago and who you gave a bin to.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31I mean, it's possible, but it's a lot easier to get in touch
0:19:31 > 0:19:35with the regular supporting artist on the show that you work on.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37You're absolutely right.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Come on then, what are you going to say?- OK, Nina.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42You're going to say Nina is telling the truth.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45John, would you please reveal your true identity.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49I'm John and when Charlie was 17...
0:19:49 > 0:19:50CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
0:19:53 > 0:19:54..he presented...
0:19:54 > 0:19:58He presented me with a dustbin for my daughter on Valentine's Day.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Yes!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:02 > 0:20:06And Charlie, John has a present for you tonight.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08You haven't seen it for 23 years...
0:20:08 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER
0:20:10 > 0:20:14..and I'm serious, it's here tonight, the actual bin!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:19 > 0:20:22And there are the initials on there.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23LAUGHTER
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Charlie, you old romantic, you.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28So there, you cynics!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Thank you, John.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32APPLAUSE
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies,
0:20:37 > 0:20:40in which our panellists lie against the clock.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43We will start with...
0:20:43 > 0:20:44BUZZER
0:20:44 > 0:20:47It is Lee.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49"Every Sunday I treat myself to a relaxing bath
0:20:49 > 0:20:52"with three squirts of Fairy Liquid in it."
0:20:52 > 0:20:53LAUGHTER
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Why?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Because when I was a kid...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05we, we used to use...
0:21:05 > 0:21:08put a bit of Fairy Liquid if we'd run out of bubble bath and so...
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Yes, I can believe that, but then you decided,
0:21:11 > 0:21:13"In fact, why do we need the bubble bath?"
0:21:13 > 0:21:15But why only on a Sunday?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18You shower the rest of the week and bath on a Sunday?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- I'm old school. - LAUGHTER
0:21:20 > 0:21:23There's nothing wrong with an all-over flannel wash.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- Under the armpits on a Monday, down below on a Tuesday... - LAUGHTER
0:21:26 > 0:21:29feet on a Wednesday, knees on a Thursday...
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- This is like a really dirty version of a Craig David song! - LAUGHTER
0:21:33 > 0:21:35APPLAUSE
0:21:39 > 0:21:43So, you ran out of bubble bath many years ago and have never re-stocked.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- No, not true.- What happens when you run out of Fairy Liquid?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I run out all the time, I'm always restocking on a Monday.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52How can you run out of bubble bath if you only bath on a Sunday?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Yeah, cos you shower the rest of the week!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58This is rich coming from a man who irons bread!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I stick it on a flannel, a bit of liquid soap on the flannel,
0:22:01 > 0:22:03under the arms on a Monday.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05You put bubble bath on a flannel?! LAUGHTER
0:22:05 > 0:22:10You telling me you've never used bubble bath in a shower cos you've run out of soap?
0:22:10 > 0:22:15- That's, all the time.- Liquid soap... No wonder you keep running out of bubble bath on a Sunday!
0:22:15 > 0:22:16You're just like my wife!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18In many ways.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:22David, what do you think?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I don't think this is true.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- Gregg?- It's cobblers.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Think it's a lie.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- We think this isn't true. - It's a lie.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Lee, here's your chance. Truth or lie?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Well, well, well, here we go.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36It is in fact a lie.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:38 > 0:22:39APPLAUSE
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Oh, my!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- Next... - BUZZER
0:22:43 > 0:22:45It's David Mitchell.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51"My parents recently forced me to have a new kitchen fitted
0:22:51 > 0:22:53"because my flat embarrassed them."
0:22:53 > 0:22:56LAUGHTER
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- Lee.- How bad was the kitchen?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02It was, I mean, I considered it adequate.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03That good(!)
0:23:03 > 0:23:05LAUGHTER
0:23:05 > 0:23:08"Come back to mine, I've got a very adequate kitchen."
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- LAUGHTER - How would you describe the old kitchen?
0:23:11 > 0:23:15It sort of had plasticy units that, some of whom had...
0:23:15 > 0:23:16"some of whom?", some of which,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I like to make them into personalities. LAUGHTER
0:23:19 > 0:23:23"Hello, Brian, I've had a really lonely day again."
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Exactly, Brenda where the pans go. LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"Hello, Tommy the toaster, done anything today?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- "No, Ian the iron seems to be getting all the work." - LAUGHTER
0:23:33 > 0:23:37Your parents came round, you feel that the kitchen's not really too bad.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39No, they they were sort of very unhappy about it and,
0:23:39 > 0:23:43and ultimately they said, "Look, we really think you should do this.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47"We'll deal with the admin if, you know, if you pay."
0:23:47 > 0:23:50You're a creative mind, I mean, you must have given them a steer
0:23:50 > 0:23:53as to which way you wanted it to go.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Describe a creative kitchen design steer
0:23:56 > 0:23:59that you imagine someone like me might have given them.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03You may have said I want an island in the middle, I want an Aga and a traditional...
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I'm not a god, I'm not making a planet!
0:24:06 > 0:24:07LAUGHTER
0:24:07 > 0:24:09An island and a lagoon...
0:24:09 > 0:24:10An island...
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I want DRAGONS in the north!
0:24:12 > 0:24:13LAUGHTER
0:24:13 > 0:24:15What's the new kitchen like?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Erm... It's plain.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22No, the sort of, I think, sort of, cream units, but...
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- Have you been a kitchen salesman long, sir? - LAUGHTER
0:24:25 > 0:24:30What's the most complex thing you do in your kitchen?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:32 > 0:24:33I think...
0:24:34 > 0:24:36..worry about death.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:39APPLAUSE
0:24:42 > 0:24:47- So what d'you think, Lee? - What d'you think, Nina?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I think he's lying cos his eyes go really big when he lies.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54- He also does that when he's aroused though, so... - LAUGHTER
0:24:54 > 0:24:56What d'you think, Charlie?
0:24:56 > 0:25:00I think that's got the ring of truth to it
0:25:00 > 0:25:04cos I imagine David probably doesn't really care about his kitchen,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06but that other people do.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Look at him, it's the truth.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- OK.- You're going to say true? - Go on then.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12True, OK, David, truth or lie?
0:25:12 > 0:25:13It is, in fact, true.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14APPLAUSE
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Next... - BUZZER
0:25:21 > 0:25:23It's Gregg.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Possession.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29- Right, there's a box under your desk, Gregg.- Crikey!- Would you pop it on top of the desk,
0:25:29 > 0:25:32take out what's inside and then read the card for us.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36"This is one of my history books.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39"I read them in the sauna to make them look old."
0:25:39 > 0:25:41LAUGHTER
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Lee, where would you like to start?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Why'd you try and make them look old?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I think they're more attractive that way.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I like them all bashed up and old-looking.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Where, where did you hear about this,
0:25:55 > 0:25:57if you read it in a sauna it actually ages nicely?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Well, I didn't, I just took the book into the sauna,
0:26:00 > 0:26:05and, I go to the gym, I try not to be fat, I like the sauna as well,
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- I read when I'm in the sauna and the books get aged. - Are you naked in the sauna?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Er, yeah.- You're naked with a book?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13LAUGHTER
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- What is difficult... - Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- ..my glasses.- How can you read with steamed-up glasses?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- No, I don't wear my glasses, just... - How d'you read then?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Well, I hold the book up, that's not the problem...
0:26:24 > 0:26:26So, now you're naked and you're doing that.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Do you ever do this when the bloke sits opposite you, you ever go...?
0:26:30 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:36 > 0:26:40- Can I have a look at the book? - I don't mind.- OK, would you like to pass the book?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Let me have a look at this book. Thank you very much.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47- Do you need help with the big words?- No. - ALL: Ooh!
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- D'you need help with the Harry Hill impression? - LAUGHTER
0:26:51 > 0:26:52APPLAUSE
0:26:54 > 0:26:58- Does it smell, does it smell like a sauna?- Pff, it smells of something!
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Well, it does it is aged
0:26:59 > 0:27:04and I tell you what it is, it's aged by dampness, that I know.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09Sorry, sorry, there's a phone number in the back and a bloke's name!
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- It says Tony and then a bloke's phone number! - LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:14What the hell's going on? What?
0:27:14 > 0:27:15LAUGHTER
0:27:15 > 0:27:16HE MOUTHS
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Who's Tony?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- I don't know.- Oh, you slag! - I don't know.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- Lee, is he telling the truth? - You're saying...
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- I'm saying lie.- Lie. - I think it's a lie.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- My team say lie, so I'll go with lie.- You're going to say lie?
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- Yeah, go on.- OK, Gregg truth or lie.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Well, it is the truth.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Brilliant.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50APPLAUSE
0:27:54 > 0:27:58It's true, Gregg does read his history books in the sauna to make them look old.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02- BUZZER - Ah, and that noise signals time is up
0:28:02 > 0:28:04and it's the end of the show and I can reveal that,
0:28:04 > 0:28:08in a CLOSELY fought contest, it's a draw at six points each!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10APPLAUSE
0:28:14 > 0:28:18But, of course, Would I Lie to You is not just a team game
0:28:18 > 0:28:22and my individual liar of the week this week is Nigel Havers.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Yes, Nigel Havers who's displayed the sort of duplicitous behaviour
0:28:30 > 0:28:36that's kept the upper class in power for the last 1,000 years! Good night!
0:28:36 > 0:28:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:54 > 0:28:57E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk