0:00:24 > 0:00:26Oh, yes!
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,
0:00:29 > 0:00:32the show that celebrates the art of lying.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36On Lee Mack's team tonight, the England star who once beat Wayne Sleep.
0:00:36 > 0:00:41Luckily, it was in I'm A Celebrity and not with a cricket bat. It's Phil Tufnell!
0:00:43 > 0:00:48And a splendid comedian who likes to satirise the great and the good,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51so it'll be nice for him to have a night off and mix with us lot.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53It's Marcus Brigstocke.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00And joining David Mitchell tonight, an actor and comedian, who during his
0:01:00 > 0:01:0513 years as a drama teacher said he found his pupils inspirational.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09They inspired him to leave teaching and become a comedian. Greg Davies!
0:01:12 > 0:01:16And, as one of the longest serving presenters on Blue Peter, she became
0:01:16 > 0:01:20an expert at explaining things in a way that a child could understand.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Excellent training for sitting opposite Lee this evening. It's Konnie Huq.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Right, we start with round one,
0:01:29 > 0:01:34which is Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from a card.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38They've never seen the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:38 > 0:01:43It's up to the opposing team to sort the truth from the lies and, Greg, you are first.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- Am I? - You are, yes.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50For my first term at university,
0:01:50 > 0:01:55I rented the bathroom in a student house and slept in the bathtub every night.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Lee.- Greg.- Yes?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Before we even start this, can you stand up?
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Unless David stands up with me, there'll be no perspective.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14David? In fact, let's have proper perspective. Konnie, can you stand up?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22You know the question.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23- Yeah.- What's the answer?
0:02:23 > 0:02:30Well, I just hung off the end of the bath, as I'd hang off every single bed that I've ever slept in. It's...
0:02:30 > 0:02:35No, no, no, no, no! You definitely don't hang off a bath like you hang off a bed.
0:02:35 > 0:02:40Because a bed goes like that and then you hang off. You'd have to go up, across and hang off.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43You're tall, but you're not a snake, Greg.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48The thing that actually drove me to change my circumstances was that I was genuinely
0:02:48 > 0:02:53bruising the side of my cheek regularly by waking up in the morning and clanging into one of the taps.
0:02:53 > 0:02:59Can I ask why on Earth you would sleep with your head at the tap end?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01That is mad.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Yes, well, you know, I was 18 years of age and I mainly lived off
0:03:05 > 0:03:11Thunderbird wine, so bad decisions were my forte at that period.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- Did you have a bed in the house?- No.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- So that was the reason you were in the bath.- There was a...
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Well, why do you think he was in the bath?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I chose to, Phil, yeah.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23How many other people were there in the flat?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Three.- Three people. What, three beds?- Yeah.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Why would you not sleep on the floor next to the bath?
0:03:29 > 0:03:33We had a giant 1970s sofa
0:03:33 > 0:03:38that had a peculiar corner unit and I took
0:03:38 > 0:03:42both cushions from that corner unit and they fitted in the bath perfectly
0:03:42 > 0:03:45and it was incredibly comfortable.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49- It wasn't a free standing bath? - A roll top.- Yeah, was it a roll top, free standing bath?
0:03:49 > 0:03:54It wasn't a free standing bath, but the end of the bath projected out into the room.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Where was this, Greg? Which town where you? Was this Oxford or Cambridge?
0:03:58 > 0:04:02It was in Isleworth, in West London.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07It was only because of a mix-up in housing agreements.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11We soon sorted it out after a term. I only had to do it for a term.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12What was the mix-up?
0:04:12 > 0:04:17I'd agreed to move in with these three guys and we got the wrong size house.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Hang on, that's not a mix-up, that's just stupidity.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22There was four of you and you got a three bedroom house and went,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24"There's been a bit of a mix-up here".
0:04:24 > 0:04:27The boys blamed me, which is why I got the bath.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Why did they blame you? - I was the one who booked the house.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33How did you get into university?
0:04:33 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:42 > 0:04:48- So, Lee, what are you thinking? - Marcus?- I think it's too preposterous to be true.- Mm.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53The taps. The taps for me. If you're going to sleep in a bath, you don't put your head up the tap end.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I think it might be true, but I'm not going to over...
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- You've got the armband, son.- I might be the skip...- Do you get armbands if you're a captain?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Only if you can't swim.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07I'm telling you - I don't know if this is in the spirit of this game - this is true.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17That was sufficiently moving.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20I'm going with it, I'm saying it's true now.
0:05:20 > 0:05:26- What are you saying, Skippy? - Shall we say true?- True, yeah. - Not Skippy, Rob.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30I'm not going to go and fetch help, I'm the skip.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Someone's fallen into a mine shaft?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- Go on, mate.- We'll change it to true. We're going for true.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Greg Davies, were you telling us the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Do you feel, David, any sense of genuine competition in this game?
0:05:44 > 0:05:49- Yes, I do, yeah. - Then I think you're going to like me very much. It was a lie.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Yes, it was a lie.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01Greg didn't sleep in his bathtub every night for his first term at university.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- Right, Phil Tufnell.- Yes. - You're next.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Right. OK.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11I'm haunted by a recurring dream in which I'm a potato.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- David?- OK. How does...
0:06:22 > 0:06:27How does the dreaming realisation that you're a potato manifest itself?
0:06:27 > 0:06:31I'm being chased.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Oh, right! Oh, yeah. Of course, potatoes get chased all the time.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40I'm being chased by a pitchfork.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- How do you know you're a potato? - (DAVID) Because you can't move.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48No, no I can. It's like Mr Potato Head.
0:06:48 > 0:06:54I wear a little trilby hat, little legs and I'm running along the garden like that
0:06:54 > 0:06:58with a pitchfork trying to poke me. And I'm sort of climbing up trees and things
0:06:58 > 0:07:00and the pitchfork's sort of going for me.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Has it ever caught you? - No, it has never caught me yet.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07And then, just as it is going to catch me, I think I wake up.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09What do you think the pitchfork wants to do?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Is it attempting to harvest you?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- It's a family show. - I think all the...
0:07:15 > 0:07:18It's heavy with symbolism, David, isn't it?
0:07:18 > 0:07:25I mean, the sturdy steel of the pitchfork, the soft, pliant flesh of the potato.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30I'm getting a little worked up just thinking about it, to be honest with you.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33He didn't say it was boiled, did he?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- I think it's baked. - Oh, it is baked.- Baked potato.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37So you're a baked potato?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I think I'm a baked...
0:07:39 > 0:07:41What are you doing in the garden, then?
0:07:41 > 0:07:45How long have you had this dream?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- I've had it... - He only has it when he's mashed.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Yeah, I have it quite a bit, actually, you know?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58It's quite at the forefront of my dreams.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02I'm just sitting listening to you. You could be related to Len Goodman from Strictly Come Dancing.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- Could you just say for me...- Seven! - Look at that, yeah.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09"Your Paso Doble was lovely, I liked it, it was good.
0:08:09 > 0:08:14"You're a bit over there, but you were trying hard, I'm going to give you six."
0:08:14 > 0:08:20I'm doing Len Goodman off Strictly Come Dancing. What do you think, David?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- Well, it's possible, isn't it? What do you think? - I'm not convinced.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I think it's, without question, a lie, because when he was asked
0:08:27 > 0:08:32how the potato was moving, I actually saw Phil's brain working
0:08:32 > 0:08:35to think of the Mr Potato Head.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Yeah. It is true that lots of people have dreams where they're being sort of chased,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41that's quite a natural thing.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Yes, but generally, they haven't become a root vegetable.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48You think it could be true, don't you?
0:08:48 > 0:08:53My brain is shot by this game. I think anything could be true.
0:08:53 > 0:09:00- I am so sure it's a lie. - Well, we're going to say it's a lie, then.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04So, you're going to say it's a lie. OK. Phil Tufnell, were you telling the truth or were you lying?
0:09:04 > 0:09:07I was telling...
0:09:08 > 0:09:10No!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16It's true.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Phil is haunted by a recurring dream in which he is a potato.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24There's a technical term for Phil Tufnell turning into a potato.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26It's called evolution.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32That's not very nice.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36And our next round is called This Is My, where we bring
0:09:36 > 0:09:40on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up
0:09:45 > 0:09:50to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth. So, please welcome this week's special guest, Ian.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53APPLAUSE
0:09:56 > 0:10:03- Right, Konnie.- Sorry, even before we start I can tell you now, lads, this man does not know David Mitchell.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Konnie, what is Ian to you?
0:10:05 > 0:10:11This is Ian. When he brought his lizards onto Blue Peter, one of them went missing.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Later that evening, I found it in my handbag.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17All right. David, what's your connection?
0:10:17 > 0:10:22This is Ian. I sat next to him on a plane and he had such a fear
0:10:22 > 0:10:27of flying that I had to hold his hand throughout take-off and landing.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33It turns out David Mitchell might know this man really, really well.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Greg, how do you know Ian?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41This is my friend, Ian. One night, after getting drunk together,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44he was wrongly arrested on suspicion of murder.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Greg, keep it light!
0:10:49 > 0:10:54Konnie's lizard loser, David's terrified passenger
0:10:54 > 0:10:57or Greg's falsely accused friend. Where do you want to start?
0:10:57 > 0:11:02So, Ian here brought lizards to a flagship BBC children's programme
0:11:02 > 0:11:09and left going, "Well, you know, you don't always go home with the same number of lizards..."
0:11:09 > 0:11:13The great thing with Blue Peter is if you lose an animal there,
0:11:13 > 0:11:17they'll make up a name for it. What type of lizard?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Well, there was a selection of lizards.
0:11:20 > 0:11:26He brought in about eight or ten lizards, and there were chameleons.
0:11:26 > 0:11:33- And what? Did one of them change its colour to the same as your handbag? - Yes.- Hence getting lost?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- It wasn't a chameleon. - It was a lizard.- What was it?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- It was a lizard. - What was your handbag made of?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42The handbag was made of snake. No, it wasn't!
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Whereabouts were you at Blue Peter when you found the lizard in the end?
0:11:46 > 0:11:53- No, I wasn't, I was actually in my car and my handbag was on the passenger seat.- Yeah.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55So you open your bag to get some money out?
0:11:55 > 0:12:02I was in the multi storey car park and I'd stopped and I just wanted to check that I had my phone.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06- Right, OK.- And then I was, like... - So, you opened it and did you go, "Er, hello, hello?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08"Hello?"
0:12:08 > 0:12:13I had the theory that someone put it in as a joke, but I don't know and I've not...
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Oh, the wacky days of Blue Peter.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Hilarious!
0:12:17 > 0:12:22I don't know if it's in the spirit of this game, but it really is true.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24They've done it again.
0:12:26 > 0:12:32- I'd like to say I'm not stupid enough to fall for this again.- I am.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35OK, right. David?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- Yes?- Just remind us again of your implausible story.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Well, I was on a plane next to Ian
0:12:42 > 0:12:47and his fear of flying was such that I had to hold his hand during take-off and landing.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50And where were you going from and to?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I was going from Gatwick to...
0:12:53 > 0:12:57That's an airport. Think of another one now.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Corsica.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Gatwick to Corsica.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03And what did he say? Was there any,
0:13:03 > 0:13:08for want of a better word, foreplay, or did he go straight for the hand?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11On take-off, he just suddenly... he started...
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- What?- He started sort of making agitated noises.
0:13:14 > 0:13:20Please, please, can you do the demonstration of the... I think we all want to see his agitated noises.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22- No!- Go on!
0:13:22 > 0:13:26As I remember it, it was just sort of "Ahh!".
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Are you sure that wasn't the engine, David?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Yes. Yes, Lee, I'm sure it wasn't the engine.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- So, basically, he's sounding agitated...- Yeah.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- Has he grabbed your hand?- Then he grabs my hand.- Oh, no talking?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- There's no, "D'you mind if I..."? - Not at that point, no.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42You slag, David Mitchell.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46And what did you say, "Do you mind? "I'm a married woman"? I mean, what did you do?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I don't think I said anything.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53You know why he's grabbed your hand, do you?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Well, I assumed it was... I didn't think it was sexual attraction.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- Right.- But it's very sweet of you to leap to that conclusion.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- Did either of you have fellow travellers with you?- No.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08- No, we were... - You were both just flying to Corsica to see what might happen.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11See who you meet on the plane, maybe.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14And this happened again when you came in for landing?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18After it levelled off,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20it became fully airborne...
0:14:20 > 0:14:22LAUGHTER
0:14:24 > 0:14:25It sounds like a virus.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32..he then sort of apologised and said, "I'm really sorry...
0:14:32 > 0:14:35" freak out sometimes on a plane".
0:14:35 > 0:14:39And I said, "Oh, you know, not to worry".
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I bet THAT calmed him down(!)
0:14:43 > 0:14:48I once stroked a girl's back while we were having a very difficult re-entry over...
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Not now.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54We were coming into Heathrow and I didn't know her and she was crying,
0:14:54 > 0:14:58and I just reached out and just stroked her back and held her hand.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01There was a reason why she was crying, wasn't there, Rob?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03The madman behind was stroking her back.
0:15:03 > 0:15:09I wasn't behind her, I was going, "Hey it's OK. This is just turbulence.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10"This is nothing, honestly.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15"This is normal, really. This... Bloody hell, whoa!".
0:15:15 > 0:15:17And she was quietly sobbing.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21I mean, it was quite... I'm BAFTA nominated, I should point that out.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- So, these things do happen. - Yes, there's definitely people get nervous on flights.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I think we have to deal with Greg's story.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Go on, Greg, let's have it.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I got drunk with Ian,
0:15:32 > 0:15:37and later he was arrested wrongly on suspicion of murder.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39And thank God that bit's in.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41So, what happened?
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Well, I wasn't really part of it because we both passed out.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46It was a college ball
0:15:46 > 0:15:51and we all drank vast amounts, particularly Ian and I drank a ridiculous amount
0:15:51 > 0:15:54and then both collapsed.
0:15:54 > 0:15:59The last thing I remember is Ian falling down and him obviously being horribly hurt.
0:15:59 > 0:16:06- And I woke up on a carpet and ran... - So, nice change from the bath.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I ran upstairs and he was sitting up in his bed,
0:16:09 > 0:16:14honestly, looking... His face was swollen like a pumpkin.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18And then he told me that that night when he'd been stumbling about drunk,
0:16:18 > 0:16:22he'd been arrested for murder because someone with a similar facial wound
0:16:22 > 0:16:24had murdered someone in the town.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- Someone with a similar... Oh, so the facial wound from falling...- Yeah.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31And someone with a similar facial wound had murdered somebody else?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Yeah.- That's unlucky.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Where was this?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38How did they know he wasn't the murderer?
0:16:38 > 0:16:42What was the defining point in the interview?
0:16:42 > 0:16:46He told me that they had questioned him for hours and, eventually,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48he said to the police, and I think this is a quote,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"I'll be honest with you, lads, I could well have done it".
0:16:51 > 0:16:54LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:17:00And yet, they still let him out before you'd woken up.
0:17:00 > 0:17:06It upsets me to think that police respond to double bluffs like that.
0:17:07 > 0:17:13And, just to be clear, it was proven at the end that he had absolutely nothing to do with it.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- Correct.- Obviously, otherwise he wouldn't be here.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21We never established just why David was going to Corsica.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- On his own. - Was it Club 18 to 30 again?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27No, it was a holiday.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I was going on holiday with a group of friends,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32but I could only go a day after everyone else.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35They made those rules, did they?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:41 > 0:17:43So, Lee's team,
0:17:43 > 0:17:47is Ian Konnie's reptile wrangler,
0:17:47 > 0:17:49David's frightened flyer,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51or Greg's suspicious friend? Which one are you going for?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- What do we think, Phil? - I quite like Konnie.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Well, we all do.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- Well, there you go.- Focus, Phil!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01No, I can imagine a bit of Blue Peter, he looks like a chap
0:18:01 > 0:18:04who might keep lizards, I don't know why.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09I'm slightly leaning towards Greg, only because I don't believe David.
0:18:09 > 0:18:15I'm inclined to think that Konnie's story is true.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Oh, go on, then. Konnie, if you've suckered these two idiots into it, I'll go along with that.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Ian, would you like to reveal to us your true identity?
0:18:23 > 0:18:30My name is Ian, whilst at college with Greg Davies, we got very drunk one night
0:18:30 > 0:18:33and I was wrongly arrested on suspicion of murder.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36APPLAUSE
0:18:36 > 0:18:42When I went up in the morning he was sitting upright in bed and his head was three times its natural size,
0:18:42 > 0:18:46and I went, "Oh, my God, mate! Are you all right?". And he looked at me
0:18:46 > 0:18:50like this...and went, "We've gone too far this time, mate".
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Thank you very much, Ian.- Thank you.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, in which our panellists
0:19:03 > 0:19:07lie not only through their teeth, but against the clock. We will start with...
0:19:08 > 0:19:11..Lee, yes.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I once had to show my boss an intimate area of my body
0:19:14 > 0:19:17to prove why I was late for work.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20OK!
0:19:20 > 0:19:25Which part of your body and why did that prove that you were late for work?
0:19:25 > 0:19:31It was my, er... Well, I think we all know what I'm talking about.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- I don't!- No.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Well, let's call it Mr Weewee.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42You actually had to show it to him?
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- Well, I didn't have... He didn't say...- You elected to.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47He didn't say,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50"Prove it, get it out", but I could tell he was doubting me.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- I said, "Honestly, look!", and I got it out.- So, what was...?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- What was the...?- That's the bit they're all waiting for, David.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02- What did it prove?- Mr Weewee had banged his head.- What on?
0:20:02 > 0:20:06- "What on?", is a good question. - Ceiling.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Yeah, basically, I was lying in bed
0:20:17 > 0:20:20and I was naked,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24and I think there was a tiny, little bit of glass in the bed.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28And it just wouldn't stop bleeding. So, I had to get some tissue paper.
0:20:28 > 0:20:34I wrapped it round quite a lot and, I can't lie, it ended up looking like Mr Bump.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36It was blue?
0:20:36 > 0:20:37It was...
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I just put lots of it on, and then I just told him the truth.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44"Sorry I'm late, there was an incident".
0:20:44 > 0:20:47I told him, he went...as if to say, "You're not telling the truth".
0:20:47 > 0:20:51I said, "Do you want to see it?", whizzed it out, he went, "Oh, it's Mr Bump".
0:20:51 > 0:20:57Every time someone raises their eyebrows at you, your instinct is to get your penis out?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Stop it, Greg! Stop it! You know I can't help myself!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Stop it!
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- He made you show it? - No, he didn't make me. He never, at any point, made me do it.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11No, all he did was give you the sign.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Stop it, Greg.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16You were in no position to deploy it.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20He was quite well covered. It was full of bandaged tissue paper.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25So, it was it was easy to get it out and keep my dignity. In fact,
0:21:25 > 0:21:29I was quite proud of it. It was like this! I was like, "Do you want to have a look at it, mate?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31"There it is.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35"Wrap your eyes round that little beauty, eh?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38"Mr Bump's fainted, get used to it".
0:21:38 > 0:21:42David, what do you think, is he telling the truth? Let's have a decision.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46- Konnie? - Well, I could weirdly believe it.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Yes, I could believe.
0:21:47 > 0:21:53- I mean, it's a very extreme story to have made up. - It's too much so it must be true.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- Yeah.- You're saying true? - Yeah, we're saying true.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01- You're saying true. OK, Lee, truth or lie?- It is, in fact, true.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Yes, it's true. Lee went on to a successful career in entertainment,
0:22:10 > 0:22:16while his boss went on to anti depressants and a course of trauma therapy. Next...
0:22:16 > 0:22:17it's David.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22I recently bought a cat,
0:22:22 > 0:22:26but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Once again, David is mixing up the words "cat" and "wife".
0:22:38 > 0:22:41What was the matter with his personality? What did you clash on?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Well, the use of claws.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46He didn't like that, did he?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50What was he scratching?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Scratching? Well, slightly me,
0:22:52 > 0:22:56but also furniture quite vigorously.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- Scratching your furniture.- Yeah. There was a sort of corner of a sofa
0:23:00 > 0:23:03and a corner of a table.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- Corners.- Always corners.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Was he a kitten when you got him?
0:23:09 > 0:23:13No, I think sort of about...two.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18- Two years old.- That's quite... - Why did you buy a two-year-old cat rather than a kitten?
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Well, it, it came from Battersea Cats and Dogs Home,
0:23:22 > 0:23:27which I thought that's quite a responsible place to source a pet,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- rather than, you know... - Did you pay for the cat?
0:23:30 > 0:23:37- No. Well, it was just sort of, you know, you home it.- You home it? - You give it a home.- Oh, I see.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42- It was a homing cat. - Oh, I thought you meant you threw it out of the window like a pigeon.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I've rehomed a cat.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Did they come round and have a look at where he was going to stay?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- No.- Didn't they?
0:23:50 > 0:23:55- No. They did with mine.- Yeah, well, that's your history, Phil.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57That's just you.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00What colour was it? What kind of style was it?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Style! What sort of...
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Art Deco.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10What sort of breed was it?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14It was tortoiseshell with a sort of...the odd blotch.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- You took it back after one day?- Yes.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20How long was it in your house before you went, "Oh, this is rubbish?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"This is going back."?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26I was suspicious after as little as an hour.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29I was despondent after six hours.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33After eight hours, I was decided.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36So, what are you going to say then, truth or lie?
0:24:36 > 0:24:41- Lie for me.- What do you say, Marcus? - Oh, I don't know, I'm confused. A lie, then.- I'll say lie, then.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- You're going to say lie. OK, David, truth or lie?- It is a lie.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54Yes, it's a lie. David didn't buy a cat and then return it a day later because their personalities clashed.
0:24:54 > 0:24:59Aloof, rather prickly and temperamental and hard to befriend, David still doesn't have a cat.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Next...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04and it's Greg.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I used to try and scare school friends by planting
0:25:09 > 0:25:13a particular drawing in their pockets, signifying death.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Lee, what do you think?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- What was the drawing?- It was an owl.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Ah, the owl of death.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- Its full title was actually the hoot owl death sign.- Oh.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32- What do you mean the owl of death? What was it doing in this drawing? - Hoot owl death sign.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- That old chestnut.- I could draw it for you, if you like.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Greg, I've got a pen and paper. I'll come there.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41No, I'll come to you. Don't stand up next to me, it just highlights it.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Greg, can you...
0:25:45 > 0:25:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:50 > 0:25:53So, please, draw the owl of death.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55So...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Don't look at it, David, you'll die.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Oh, my God! Blimey.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Oh!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Oh, please put it away!
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Just imagine, you're innocently, in your pocket,
0:26:17 > 0:26:21minding your own business, and you go, "Oh, what's this in my..."
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Oh, no it's the owl of death!
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Your friends would find that in their pocket and be...
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Not my friends, my deadly enemies.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34What would be the purpose of that?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37It would serve for people who had crossed my friend and I.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41- What kind of things would they have to do to cross you? - There was an English teacher who
0:26:41 > 0:26:45we found a bit boring, so we slipped one in his pocket.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48That was the highlight of the whole campaign actually -
0:26:48 > 0:26:52the English teacher once stood up in front of class,
0:26:52 > 0:26:56was chatting away and went into his pocket and went, "Oh..."
0:27:00 > 0:27:05And he went, "Sorry, everyone. Does anyone know anything about this, because I've just..."
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Was the purpose of it to scare them?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Like, you would tell them later on it was your, or...?
0:27:10 > 0:27:14No, no, of course not, we were both nerdy cowards.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18You created a sort of mythology around what might happen
0:27:18 > 0:27:21if you found the hoot owl of death in your pocket?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24In our minds, anyone who found the hoot owl of death in their pocket
0:27:24 > 0:27:29would very shortly afterwards meet their demise.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Time to take a guess. What are you going to say?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- Phil, do you think that is possible? - I think it's possible,
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- but I think it's a lie. - I think it's a lie.- OK.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46- You say lie, you say lie, what about you, Lee?- I say lie.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Right, Greg, truth or lie?
0:27:48 > 0:27:53Well, it would be pretty tragic if two boys had spent their youth doing that, wouldn't it?
0:27:53 > 0:27:54And it is indeed true.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Yes, it's true, Greg did try and scare school friends
0:28:03 > 0:28:07by planting a particular drawing in their pockets, signifying death. BUZZER
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Well, that noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show -
0:28:10 > 0:28:15I can reveal that David's team are the victors by seven points to three.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18APPLAUSE
0:28:18 > 0:28:20But, of course, it's not just a team game.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23My individual liar of the week is Greg Davies.
0:28:29 > 0:28:34Yes, Greg Davies, whose stories were so tall, some of them almost came up to his shoulder. Good night.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:52 > 0:28:55E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk