0:00:14 > 0:00:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,
0:00:29 > 0:00:33the show that celebrates the dark art of the tall tale.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38On David Mitchell's team tonight, he's spied on more birds than a teenage Russell Brand.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41It's the comedian, naturalist and TV presenter, Bill Oddie.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44APPLAUSE
0:00:44 > 0:00:47And one of the country's best-loved comedians,
0:00:47 > 0:00:51who's also had a number one hit in the charts.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Finally, someone I can relate to. It's Frank Skinner!
0:00:54 > 0:00:57CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:00:59And joining Lee Mack tonight,
0:00:59 > 0:01:02a comedian who used to have a job in a call centre.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04She says it wasn't that bad,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07but the daily 17-hour commute to Mumbai was knackering.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Sarah Millican.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And a comedian who trained as a chef but had to give it up
0:01:15 > 0:01:21when he realised he wasn't a rude, cantankerous arse, Jon Richardson.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24APPLAUSE
0:01:24 > 0:01:25We start with Round 1, Home Truths.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32To make things harder, they've never seen the card,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39It's up to the opposing team to sort the truth from the lies and Sarah Millican is first tonight.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40OK.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47I once wet myself in a car and then blamed it on my friend's dog.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49LAUGHTER
0:01:49 > 0:01:50David.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Right. Um...
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I mean, it's... I'm willing to believe it,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I'll say that at this point.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58Why did you wet yourself in a car?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Cos I needed a wee in a car.
0:02:00 > 0:02:05I've needed a wee in a car but I've never weed in a car.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I was once stuck in a very long line of traffic
0:02:09 > 0:02:11trying to get on to the Severn Bridge on the M4
0:02:11 > 0:02:15and I let myself go in a one litre bottle of Volvic.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19I did that on the motorway and my problem was
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I was really desperate
0:02:21 > 0:02:25and I had a bottle of water and I had to drink the water.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29My body was saying, "No! No more water!"
0:02:29 > 0:02:32So, it was a it was a terrible, cyclical thing.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34No sooner had I got it down, it was out again.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I didn't want to draw attention to myself,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39cos people might pull up either side
0:02:39 > 0:02:42and I'd clearly, by my facial expression, be urinating.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Oh, please show us that face.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51So, this is obviously, just for everyone but me,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- a commonplace occurrence.- Yes.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59I don't, you know, basically lavatories are just for me.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01What a great name for your autobiography.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06APPLAUSE
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Who did you blame the dog to, if you see what I mean?
0:03:12 > 0:03:19To the mechanic when I took it in for a valet.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- So, so whose car was it?- My car.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26- Your car. You peed in the car? - Yeah.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Were you in a... Was there a good reason for that?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Were you in a traffic jam after a large bottle of Evian?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I was... Well, just tap water probably.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I've never been in a car with a tap, so, you know.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- It's a very posh car.- Oh, right. - Yeah, I was stuck in...
0:03:42 > 0:03:44It's so posh, it's plumbed in!
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Literally got gangs of people following it with pipes.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52To be fair, if it was plumbed in, I'd have probably had a toilet in there as well.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56I've not done this, but is it... Cos women don't really have much control over where it's going,
0:03:56 > 0:04:02but as a man, is it conceivable you could aim it out of the window?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05You could, you could, but the speed you were going at
0:04:05 > 0:04:08would mean that it would all come straight back in at you.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11LAUGHTER
0:04:11 > 0:04:15So when you got to this "mechanic", what did you say?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I mean, was the stain so clearly visible?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21No, it had sunk right in.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Was he a bit confused that the dog was driving?
0:04:23 > 0:04:27No, because it wasn't on the driver's seat.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29You changed seats to have a wee?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30That is dangerous.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32You changed seats in a traffic jam,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- where you're in control of the vehicle.- Yes.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37You can't buy class, can you?
0:04:37 > 0:04:41If I looked in a rear view mirror, I'd think that passenger
0:04:41 > 0:04:45looks very, very content, considering there's no-one driving.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- So what are you thinking, David? - What do you think, Frank?
0:04:51 > 0:04:56I just think Sarah is the kind of strong, independent woman
0:04:56 > 0:04:57who would step out of her car,
0:04:57 > 0:05:02stride to the hard shoulder and just go...
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- ..and then and then do it. - Yeah. Bill can you believe it?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Yes, I think it happened. - You think it's true and you think it's a lie.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15I have to decide. Which I hate.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- I think, I think it's true. - You think it's true?- Yeah.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22OK. So, in that case, Sarah, truth or lie?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24It is, ah...
0:05:24 > 0:05:26True.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29APPLAUSE
0:05:29 > 0:05:34- Well done, David. - Now you listen to us in future.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Goodness me.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I was stuck in traffic for two and a half hours.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I was in absolute agony and thought it was the only way out,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46and it was either that or rupture something,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48so I just moved across, stripped,
0:05:48 > 0:05:52weed, moved across, pulled back up, champion.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Well, there we are. And if you've been affected by any of the issues
0:06:01 > 0:06:04raised on tonight's show...
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Frank.- OK.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11I was once driven to A&E in an ice-cream van.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14In place of a siren, the driver turned on the musical chimes.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22What happened to you that involved having to go to A&E?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Well, I was playing rounders.
0:06:25 > 0:06:31I ran in between bases and I sort of went over on my ankle.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- And it was in Cornwall.- Your ankle?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Yeah.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39That's how far out of place it went.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Blimey!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44So I was in, I mean, real, proper agony.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Like, honestly, I thought I was going to black out,
0:06:47 > 0:06:52it hurt so much and somebody phoned an ambulance and...
0:06:53 > 0:06:58..it probably was about 25 minutes and still no sign.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00This bloke came over
0:07:00 > 0:07:06from the ice-cream van and he said, "I'll take you to the hospital".
0:07:06 > 0:07:08So they're trying to dial the emergency service?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Perhaps instead of dialling 999, they pressed 99.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14APPLAUSE
0:07:14 > 0:07:16It's easily done.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- So you've gone over on your ankle... - Yeah.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21..and the ice-cream man saw you from a distance?
0:07:21 > 0:07:26- We didn't have a car. We got the train down, so no-one had a car. - Right.- So this bloke said...
0:07:26 > 0:07:27And I was just...
0:07:27 > 0:07:30The idea of getting to somewhere where they could just give me
0:07:30 > 0:07:32a pain-killing injection would have been lovely.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Presumably you didn't get the siren straight away.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40- No, it wasn't the siren, it was Greensleeves.- Well, Greensleeves.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Did you give him some money for lost trade?
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Oh, no.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Jon, when you've been a celebrity a bit longer,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49you'll realise that money is no longer relevant.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- Whereabouts in Cornwall were you? - I was in Truro.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I don't understand why you would put the siren on.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05I think I did mention to him that I liked...
0:08:05 > 0:08:08music from the Tudor period.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I also don't understand why you were in Truro,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16cos if you didn't drive, you'd have got the fast service to Penzance.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23The holiday was a combination of rail travel and taxis...
0:08:23 > 0:08:26and a little bit of ice-cream van.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- So, time for a decision.- What do we think?- I'm not happy with it.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- Not happy with it?- Not happy. - Not having it?- I think it's true.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I don't want to become Trevor Travel Planner, but if...
0:08:35 > 0:08:38LAUGHTER
0:08:38 > 0:08:41A rounders kit is something you take in the car boot, not on a train.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- OK, so you're saying it's true. - I think it's true.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- Jon thinks it's a lie.- Yeah.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- We'll say it's lie. - You're saying it's a lie?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50OK, Frank, truth or lie?
0:08:50 > 0:08:51It is...
0:08:51 > 0:08:52a lie.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55APPLAUSE
0:08:56 > 0:09:01Yes, it's a lie. Frank wasn't driven to A&E in an ice-cream van.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05In fact, accidents involving ice-cream vans are incredibly rare,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09yet always result in the tragic loss of hundreds and thousands.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Bill, you're next.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Right, OK.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I was saved from drowning
0:09:17 > 0:09:22by a character from the children's show Rainbow.
0:09:24 > 0:09:30- Wow.- Surprising buoyant, your six-foot, felt-covered man.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32We don't know he's felt-covered.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35There was un-felt-covered men, too. People.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- Human beings, I think they're called.- Geoffrey.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Don't give him names, don't help him!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Which character? If he says Geoffrey, I'll kill you!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- Freddy.- Well, there was a Freddy.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- There was a Rod, Jane and Freddy. - Rod, Jane and Freddy, yeah.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Yeah, he was the sexier of them.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- I always liked the pink hippo. - Only one arm though.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- What?- George and Zippy had one arm each.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Oh, yeah, they did, the other arm was in their mouth.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01What are you saying?!
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Sorry!
0:10:04 > 0:10:07You say a lot of disgusting things on this show,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09but now you've gone too far.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13So, Freddy has saved you from a... What was it, a pond?
0:10:13 > 0:10:17- From drowning. A pond?! - It was in the sea.- It was the ocean.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19The ocean. OK, which ocean was it?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22It was the...Indian Ocean.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Did you get the train there, I would like to know.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Now, the question I want to know is, is Fred from Rod, Jane and Freddy,
0:10:33 > 0:10:37is he on holiday with you or is this an unbelievable coincidence?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40It is actually an unbelievable coincidence.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- Did he recognised you?- Yes, he did. - Or did he know you already?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45No, he did know me.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I hadn't met or anything like that but...
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- No, but he was aware, he was aware. - But he was aware that there was somebody in the sea,
0:10:52 > 0:10:56some way off shore, waving as if to say, "I am drowning, I am drowning."
0:10:56 > 0:11:00He probably thought you were doing the Funky Gibbon, didn't he?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02It might have been pre-Funky Gibbon.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03What year was it?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Wow. Surely human beings still lived in the sea then?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14You're in the sea and then Rod, Jane and Freddy, or just Fred.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- Is he with Rod and Jane, by the way? - He was with Jane.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Well, Jane and Freddy were a couple, weren't they?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- I think they still are a couple. - Rod must have felt left out.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25He was giving it to Zippy.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Did he cup you in the traditional...
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- No, he didn't cup me! - I don't mean...- Oh.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Yes.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Well, I'm not suggesting he'd arrived and, "Before I save you..."
0:11:43 > 0:11:46So I got pulled in backwards, yes, on my back, as it were.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Onto the shore. - Yes, back to the shore
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- and it was about that... - Well, it's obviously going to be
0:11:51 > 0:11:54back to the shore. He's not going to take him further out!
0:11:54 > 0:11:59He might have been intercepted by a life boat!
0:12:02 > 0:12:08That was the angriest he has been in three series!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Don't come onto this show and soil the seats.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Too late!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19So, Bill, he gets you back to the shore, was that it?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21We then exchanged pleasantries
0:12:21 > 0:12:24and said, "What the hell are you doing here?"
0:12:24 > 0:12:27They were on holiday, we were on holiday, total coincidence.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31My query would be this, and it's not train related, right?
0:12:31 > 0:12:36If no one else but Freddy was around, how did you not know you were on holiday with Freddy?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39It was a very small island.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I'll name drop it now, in the Seychelles.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Oooh! Bit of class.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- Will we all get free holidays in the Seychelles now you've said that? - No, but I will.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57I also think the Seychelles sound nice.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02I've always adored the island of Mauritius.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05If there's anybody watching from Alton Towers...
0:13:07 > 0:13:09OK, Lee, time for your decision.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- What is your laser-like mind telling you?- Me?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I think it's a lie, yeah.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Because I don't remember any episodes of Rainbow
0:13:16 > 0:13:20that had Freddy swimming in them, so I'm not sure he could.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24I think it's true, but I just have this really sad image
0:13:24 > 0:13:27of lots of other people watching you drown
0:13:27 > 0:13:29and Freddy going, "Well, I'll bloody get him, then!"
0:13:29 > 0:13:33OK, Jon says it's true, Sarah says it's a lie.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- I'm going to say it's true.- OK.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Very well. The answer is...
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- it's true.- No way!
0:13:41 > 0:13:47Yes, it's true. Bill was saved from drowning by Freddy from Rainbow.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Our next round is called This Is My,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52where we bring on a mystery guest
0:13:52 > 0:13:55who has a close connection to a panellist, and this week
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Lee's team will claim they have a connection to the guest,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04So, please welcome our special guest, Cathy.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Welcome, Cathy. So, Jon, what is Cathy to you?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16This is Cathy,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19and we crashed into each other while we were both on our driving test.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Sarah, how do you know Cathy?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23This is my friend Cathy.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26We fooled the newspapers into reporting that
0:14:26 > 0:14:30she'd been left under the spell of a hypnotist at a hen party.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- And, Lee, what about you? - This is Cathy.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36She's the hotel receptionist that I had to phone from my room
0:14:36 > 0:14:39when I found a peacock in my hotel room.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45So, there we have it. Jon's pranged motorist,
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Sarah's newspaper prankster or Lee's peacock remover. David.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- Jon.- Hi.- Your driving test.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57How did the crash happen, what manoeuvre were you attempting?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I was pulling out of a junction onto a carriageway,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03but then I saw a car so I stopped, and she drove into the back of me.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08- Basically, two driving tests in convoy, as it were.- Yeah.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10You do the same route from the same driving school,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13don't you, when you go to get your exam?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Did you fail your test, Jon?
0:15:16 > 0:15:20We both had to have our test annulled because of the accident.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Annulled?
0:15:22 > 0:15:26That usually involves the Pope, doesn't it?
0:15:28 > 0:15:34- When was this, Jon?- I just had to renew my license, so 11 years ago.
0:15:34 > 0:15:3811 years ago, OK. Cathy hasn't changed her number in 11 years.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41She described it as weird, what had happened, and I remember thinking,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44it wasn't weird, you hit me.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48So, she said we should keep numbers, jokingly, and said,
0:15:48 > 0:15:51"So that we don't get our test on the same day next time, LOL."
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Did people say LOL 11 years ago?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- Yeah, it was just coming in, then. - Right.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Before we even knew you could write it down.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Sarah, why did you...
0:16:07 > 0:16:09What's the story here?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12What...? What...?
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- A disinterested policeman.- I think you mean uninterested policeman.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- All good policemen are disinterested. - Yes, good point.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Not an amusing point.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- But grammatically, an absolute belter.- Yeah, yeah.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28What's the difference...
0:16:28 > 0:16:32What's the difference between... What does disinterested mean?
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Disinterested means impartial. Uninterested means bored.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Well, I think I know which one the audience are.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Please continue.
0:16:43 > 0:16:49So, Sarah, you fooled the newspapers about a hypnotist at a hen party.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54Fooled the newspapers into reporting that she had fallen under a spell,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57put under by the hypnotist at the hen party.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01What was the nature of the spell? What did Cathy think she was?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03She'd just burst into song as Madonna.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07So, how did you then fool the paper? You just phoned them up?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Just phoned them up and told them and...
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- They printed it.- They came out and did a photo shoot, the local paper.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Did it end up in any national papers?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Yeah, most of the national papers.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Seriously?- Most?- Yeah. - Was Cathy photographed?
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- Was she in the paper looking Madonna-esque?- Yes, she was.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28David, are you satisfied with your witness?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- FRANK:- What about Lee?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Lee, you found a peacock in your hotel bedroom?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Yes, I found a peacock in my hotel room, yeah.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Did they have ornamental grounds?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41They had some sort of ornamental grounds to a degree.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- They definitely had peacocks. - Did you hear the peacock?
0:17:45 > 0:17:49I woke up in the morning, it was ground floor and,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52you know, like most blokes who sleep on their own in a hotel,
0:17:52 > 0:17:53it can get a bit whiffy.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56So, I opened the French doors that were in the room.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Oh, you opened the French doors.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I go into the swimming pool, which is very near my room.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I come back with a dressing gown on.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I walk in and there's a peacock in my room.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Did he do the thing with this tail?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11He went like that, and I think his tail went up a little bit
0:18:11 > 0:18:14and then he ran around a bit and then he got a bit flustered
0:18:14 > 0:18:17and I tried to waft him out the door. I was a bit panicking.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I know it doesn't sound threatening, but it's one of those things
0:18:20 > 0:18:23that in your room suddenly becomes terrifying.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28- You've tried to waft the peacock out and then you ring reception, Cathy answers?- Yes.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33- What do you say? - I said, this is a bit weird, but there's peacock in my room.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37And she said, "Oh, yeah, they do that a lot," and she came round.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42She sort of just...literally, was more assertive than me.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46- She wafted it with more gumption. - Stop saying waft. It was more masculine than that.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50I said waft once and you haven't let it go, have you?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- She used the pillow, made a few noises.- Yeah, to...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- And the peacock went out. - The peacock went out
0:18:55 > 0:18:59and then she shut the door for me. I was like, I could have done that.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02It was a takeover bid by the peacocks to distract Cathy.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06When she got back to reception, 50 peacocks there, "This is our hotel now."
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I just think...
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I just think a receptionist would phone someone else,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18another member of staff to deal with it.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21It wasn't a big five star hotel. It was a, sort of, you know...
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I don't know what star it was,
0:19:23 > 0:19:26but it was more casual, the hotel, than you're imagining.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31No, peacocks are in very posh places and very formal places.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- Very rural places, generally.- No!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- You don't farm peacocks.- Yes, you do!
0:19:36 > 0:19:39People do farm peacocks.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42No, but... OK, yes.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46The English countryside is covered in massive flocks of peacocks
0:19:46 > 0:19:49because of all the peacock milk we endlessly drink.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55It has to be all or nothing with you! They farm peacocks.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59There's nothing more informal, laid back and basically hippyish than those hotels
0:19:59 > 0:20:01with peacocks milling around,
0:20:01 > 0:20:05in and out of the rooms, and the occasional panicky comedian
0:20:05 > 0:20:08who won't join in, won't pal up with the peacocks.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Say waft, I know you want to.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Tries to waft it out. - Waft it out! Swine.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18The only member of staff in the hotel has to come and make noises with a pillow.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19And apologise to the peacock,
0:20:19 > 0:20:24and say, "We won't let him stay here again, he is all stuck up."
0:20:25 > 0:20:29So, we need an answer, David's team.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Is Cathy Jon's unfortunate learner driver,
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Sarah's hypnotised hoaxer or Lee's receptionist to the rescue?
0:20:36 > 0:20:41Well, if we take Cathy, though, as the core of this whole thing,
0:20:41 > 0:20:46I think Cathy looks too alternative and cool
0:20:46 > 0:20:52- to work in a small anonymous hotel. - Do you know what I'd say to that?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Have you ever noticed you're talking to the receptionist,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59and they seem one thing, and you see them in the local pub
0:20:59 > 0:21:02later that night and they can be quite punky.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Right, David, decision time. What are you going to say?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Bill, what do you think?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18I would think that it could be the peacock rescue.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I can see her doing all the moves for Madonna.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25I can see her with three muscular black men behind her doing a synchronised dance.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30So can she, by the look of it!
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Well, I think it's Sarah's. I think it's the local paper scam.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- That's what you're going for? - Yeah.- OK.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Cathy, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Hi, I'm Cathy, and together Sarah and I fooled the local papers
0:21:50 > 0:21:57- with our fake hypnotism story. - Go on!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Wow. It was in the national press.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03It went in the Star and the Express,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06but it was biggest news on the Shields Gazette
0:22:06 > 0:22:08where it was front page news.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11There it is. Thank you very much, Cathy.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Which brings us to Quickfire Lies,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21where our panellists lie through their teeth and against the clock.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23First off is...
0:22:23 > 0:22:25it's Lee.
0:22:25 > 0:22:30When I'm at home, I amuse myself by shaving only half my face
0:22:30 > 0:22:34and doing that thing where you have a conversation between two people.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44What are the characters of the shaved Lee, unshaven Lee?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I'll do a sailor because that suits the look of the longer beard.
0:22:47 > 0:22:52- Could we have a little bit of sailor? - "Looks like you've shaved half your beard off again."
0:22:52 > 0:22:56Hang on, that doesn't make sense. It looks like he's got the complete beard.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59No, no. He has got the beard and he's talking to the man who hasn't.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01"You've shaved half your beard off."
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- But the other person... - The little boy goes,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07"I couldn't help it, I had to, I was feeling a bit hairy."
0:23:07 > 0:23:11But that doesn't make any sense, because the other one looks like
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- he's completely shaved his beard. - No, no, no, sorry.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15I've shaved half the beard.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18The one with the beard is the sailor with the beard.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Going, "Looks like you've..." - Meaning him.- "..half your beard."
0:23:21 > 0:23:25To the other one who is then going, "Yes, I did shave it half off."
0:23:25 > 0:23:28But it doesn't look like they've shaved half of it off...
0:23:28 > 0:23:33- It looks like they've shaved it all off.- No, no, no, no!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35"I've shaved it all off, you stupid bastard!"
0:23:35 > 0:23:39OK. Man with half a beard. "You look like you've shaved..."
0:23:39 > 0:23:42No! No, the character you're playing is a man with a full beard!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- Let me finish!- OK.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46"Looks like you've shaved half your beard off."
0:23:46 > 0:23:51- OK.- "Yes, I had to, but you should see the other side, look, it's still there."
0:23:51 > 0:23:56And then the other fellow goes, "I'm just as bad as you. Look, clean-shaven."
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- No, no, no, no, no, no! - If you'd let the story finish...
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Why did you say "half" in the first remark?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04He didn't say half.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07It should be, "Shaved your whole beard off." And he goes,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10"Yes, yes, but let me show you more fully." Like you did...
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- DAVID CONTINUES TO RANT - I didn't say it like a rent boy!
0:24:13 > 0:24:16"..coincidence, because I too am a cock!"
0:24:16 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Do you know what? The kids just laugh and clap.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Right, David, time for a decision.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32- Well, I think we think it's lie. - I think so, yes.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- Yeah, definitely a lie.- Lie. - Lie, OK.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Lee, is it the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:24:38 > 0:24:39It is, in fact, true.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Yes, it's true.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Lee does amuse himself by shaving only half of his face
0:24:53 > 0:24:57and pretending to have a conversation between two people.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Jon.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- Possession.- Right, there's a box under your desk, Jon,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07would you bring the box up, please?
0:25:07 > 0:25:13This is the emergency kit that I keep in my car at all times.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- OK. - Well, not at all times, obviously.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18It's here.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Lie!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- BILL:- Next!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Jon, will you take it out of the box and put it on the desk, there?
0:25:28 > 0:25:32It would have been brilliant if he'd have taken his car out of there.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Can we investigate it?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- Do you want to?- I'd quite like to. I'll be very careful with it.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Are you going to bring it back?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Yeah. I'll be careful. There we go, thank you.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Oh, I've never given another man my box before.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- OK.- I have, it's quite nice.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57There's a mug, spotted mug.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Yeah, well spotted.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Here's Options, Belgian Chocolate.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Bill, be careful, that's his mother's ashes.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- SARAH:- Ah, chocolaty ashes.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12And, here, a little bottle of....
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- Some red wine. - Can I just say, this is like
0:26:14 > 0:26:18the most boring version of the Generation Game?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Or the best Ready Steady Cook ever.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25It's sort of a post-nuclear Deal Or No Deal.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Right, OK, so take us through why you've got these items.
0:26:31 > 0:26:37Well, I'm on the road a lot and I like food and alcohol,
0:26:37 > 0:26:41so I make sure I have some in case I have an unexpected overnight stay.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45I love how seriously Bill and Frank are studying the products.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50This has got a very curious marking on it.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54There's a circle and a pregnant woman and a line going across it.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56What's that got to do...?
0:26:56 > 0:27:01That suggests to me that they don't advise that pregnant women drink.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04It's hardly hieroglyphics, Bill, is it?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I tell you what, if I'd found this in a car,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I'd assume it was the flight recorder.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- David, time to guess.- I think it's nonsense, are we happy to say that?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18- Yeah, yeah.- A lie, OK.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Jon, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:27:21 > 0:27:22It is...
0:27:22 > 0:27:24true.
0:27:26 > 0:27:31And I should say, if you're thinking of compiling an emergency car kit of your own,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34both Would I Lie to You and the BBC would like to point out
0:27:34 > 0:27:38- that other brands are available. - CHEESY MUZAK PLAYS
0:27:45 > 0:27:47BUZZER
0:27:47 > 0:27:49And that noise signals time is up,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52and I can reveal that tonight's winners,
0:27:52 > 0:27:56by a massive seven points to three, Lee's team.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58APPLAUSE
0:28:00 > 0:28:02But, of course, it's not just a team game
0:28:02 > 0:28:07and my individual liar of the week is Sarah Millican.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Yes, Sarah Millican.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Sarah hasn't lied so much since her first day on Loose Women
0:28:17 > 0:28:22when she told her co-hosts, "Honestly, I can't smell gin." Goodnight!
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:38 > 0:28:40E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk