0:00:20 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?
0:00:31 > 0:00:34The show that not only encourages liars, it rewards them.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38On David Mitchell's team tonight, it's the star of Pirates of the Caribbean.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Johnny Depp knows him, it's Mackenzie Crook!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:45 > 0:00:48And a naturalist and TV wildlife presenter.
0:00:48 > 0:00:54No, look, I'm not going to debase myself by doing cheap double entendres at his expense.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I will just give you the ingredients and you can take it from there.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Birds, tits, short-haired beavers.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Knock yourself out. Chris Packham.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:09And joining Lee Mack tonight,
0:01:09 > 0:01:14the country's most famous Victoria behind Beckham and Station.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17It's the writer and broadcaster Victoria Coren.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:19 > 0:01:22And a fine comedian who once starred
0:01:22 > 0:01:25as the voice of the Welsh tourist board.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Imagine demeaning yourself by appearing in an advert.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Rhod Gilbert.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:36 > 0:01:41To Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46To make things harder, they've never see the card before and they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction. Rhod is first up.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Rhod, please reveal all.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I was sacked from my job at a zoo
0:01:56 > 0:01:59when my boss found out I had been taking photos
0:01:59 > 0:02:02of the animals wearing hats.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04LAUGHTER
0:02:04 > 0:02:09So just to clarify, were you wearing the hats or the animals?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12No, I was taking photos of the animals wearing hats.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Just to clarify, were you wearing hats or the animals?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19You think I was wearing photos of animals while I was wearing multiple hats.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I would say that in the world of oddness,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25a man wearing two hats is no odder than an animal wearing one.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32Can you give me some examples of animal-hat combos that you took photos of?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Erm, yeah, I'd done monkeys in bowler hats.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Course.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I've done a hippo in a flat cap.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42And, well...
0:02:42 > 0:02:46I was going to call him a snake. It wasn't a snake, it was in the reptile house,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49but I don't know what he was, but he was wearing a fez.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Were these miniature hats? Were these little animal hats or human hats?
0:02:55 > 0:02:56On the hippo, are you mad?
0:02:56 > 0:03:03No, but on the thing in the reptile house I'm thinking a full-sized fez is going to just hide the creature.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05So what you're saying is, were the hats to scale?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Thank you. Rhod, were the hats to scale?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12The hats... Well, to scale is a grand way of putting it,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15but I would certainly try and, you know, make the hat fit.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Right.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20The top of a hippo's head is actually quite a slippery affair.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Oh, you've got to get the right hat.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24LAUGHTER
0:03:24 > 0:03:28What was your official role at the zoo?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30General dogsbody, basically.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I get the feeling that if you were to put hats on animals
0:03:32 > 0:03:36you'd have gone for deer stalkers and bear skins.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I didn't say I didn't.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41We just haven't got all the way through the animals.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- You name a hat, you name an animal...- Deer stalker.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Erm, no, I didn't do a deer stalker.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Was it the antlers, would have made it...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I didn't have a deer stalker, it wasn't a comprehensive...
0:03:52 > 0:03:55But you had a fez, you had a massive hippo-sized flat cap.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Yes! No, it was a regular flat cap.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02- What you're saying is... - I didn't have every single animal and it wasn't every hat.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07I didn't cross reference every combination of animal and hat. I just put some on some.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Fair enough.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Rhod, where was this zoo? Was this a Welsh zoo?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Was it Penscynor Bird Gardens, for example?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18It was down in Pembrokeshire, in a place called Oaksnade.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Oaksnade?- Yep.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24There's a chain of snade zoos, isn't there?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26There's Oaksnade, Whipsnade...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28LAUGHTER
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- How did it all come to an end? I- got caught.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33And who was it who apprehended you?
0:04:33 > 0:04:34It was the...
0:04:34 > 0:04:36the manager of the zoo.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40As a zoo owner and manager, I wouldn't have been offended
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I can't see anyone being offended by a fez on a snake and a flat cap on a hippo.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I'd have said...
0:04:46 > 0:04:47It's just what the zoo needs.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50If it's down there in South Wales, at this Oaksnade
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I'd have thought any little hat on a cat would have done the trick.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Why? Because it's a Welsh zoo?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Our animals aren't good enough in their natural habitat,
0:04:58 > 0:05:00we'd better dress them up a bit.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03You racist bastard!
0:05:03 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Unbelievable.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Well, David, what do you think?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Well, I'll ask my team first.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I mean, I've never heard of Oaksnade zoo?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Have you ever heard of Oaksnade zoo?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Ha! Is that the most you doubt about that story?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Put a flat cap on a hippo? Fair enough.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Oaksnade zoo? Not having it, not happy.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31My girlfriend owns a zoo. We tour zoos
0:05:31 > 0:05:33and Oaksnade's never been on our agenda.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Oaksnade, the zoo that shares a syllable with Whipsnade.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I think Mackenzie's right,
0:05:39 > 0:05:43that's the chink in the otherwise impenetrable armour of plausibility
0:05:43 > 0:05:46that Oaksnade zoo doesn't exist.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48We're very happy to say, lie.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50You're saying it's a lie. So, Rhod,
0:05:50 > 0:05:55were you telling the truth or were you telling us a lie?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Well, chaps I'm afraid I was telling...
0:05:57 > 0:05:58a lie.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02APPLAUSE
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Yes, it was a lie.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Rhod wasn't sacked from his job at a zoo
0:06:08 > 0:06:12because he was caught taking photos of animals wearing hats.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Mackenzie, you're up next.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- Possession. - Right, there's a box under the desk.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Would you take the possession out, pop it up on the desk
0:06:21 > 0:06:22and read the card, please.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Oh.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Oh, hello.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28This is my orchidometer,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30it was a present from my sister.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- What does an orchidometer do? - Yeah, that's true.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37I tell you what, I've seen one of those and it wasn't called an orchidometer.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Admittedly I haven't seen the whole length of it before.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:48What's an orchidometer, Mackenzie?
0:06:48 > 0:06:52It is a piece of medical apparatus
0:06:52 > 0:06:54used for determining the size
0:06:54 > 0:06:59of testicles in male humans.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Why do you need to know the size of male testicles in humans?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06I'm 42, nobody's ever gone, "Hey, extra large."
0:07:08 > 0:07:12I don't, this was bought for me by my sister.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17Wait a minute. Some of them are so small... They're tiny.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19You'd be surprised.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:25 > 0:07:29My sister bought this for me, for nostalgic reasons.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- Nostalgic?- Yeah. To remind me...
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Hang on, if this is to remind you both of the good old days,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37we don't want to hear it.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40But surely nostalgia... My sister, when I was growing up,
0:07:40 > 0:07:44she would do a little pencil mark on the kitchen wall. Fair enough but...
0:07:44 > 0:07:45For your testicles?
0:07:45 > 0:07:49LAUGHTER
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Oh, you're getting taller.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01You know how when someone gives you a jumper, they say, "Oh, try it on now."
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Which one are you? You must have done it. - I've never done it.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08You liar!
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Why would I want to know?
0:08:09 > 0:08:13I'll tell you why, cos the second we get out of this studio, I'm doing it.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I want to do it now in front of the audience.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Well, I think we'd all be very happy for you to do it now.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Let's do it.- Oh, no.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Have you washed it?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28It hasn't been anywhere near any.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Well, don't bring it to me. I don't want to...
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Hey, Rob, bring back memories?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Right, I will do it, but I'll do it under the desk.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- You're not going to get your... - Yeah. Come on.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48One, just one then.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Meet me half way.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Go on then.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Go on then?! No, no, no!
0:08:53 > 0:08:57If this is a real medical thing, why did your sister get you it?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Because when I was younger I was a very slight chap, not the...
0:09:01 > 0:09:03When you were younger, you were slight?!
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Blimey, what were you? A stick man?!
0:09:06 > 0:09:10I used to have to go to a hospital to be measured in all sorts of creative and...
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Awwww.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Keep it light.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16One of the ways they measured me was using the orchidometer...
0:09:16 > 0:09:20- They measured your testicles with this?- Yeah, not with that one.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24With your testicle measuring device, you spoil us, ambassador.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29The question is whether his sister got it for him, not what this is.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33His sister got it for him. He's telling the truth! Can you not...
0:09:33 > 0:09:34But this can't be real.
0:09:34 > 0:09:39Take those. Have a look at him through those and tell him your sister gave you that as a present.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Have you got truth glasses?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46They're not allowed on this show!
0:09:46 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Lee, it is time to take a guess.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Imagine going to the doctors and going,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56"Is that normal to have that many?"
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Take a look at this, Doc.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Tell me that's normal.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06They're purple and it's the wrong amount!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:08 > 0:10:11OK, what do you think?
0:10:11 > 0:10:12OK then.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Well, why not? It sounds true.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Saying true? OK, Mackenzie, what's the answer?
0:10:17 > 0:10:18It is...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20true.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24It was true.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Mackenzie's sister did buy him that orchidometer.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Mackenzie frequently brings it out at dinner parties and uses it as an ice breaker
0:10:32 > 0:10:35and more often than not, a morale crusher.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39And at the end of that round, the scores are level.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Our next round is called This is My... where we bring on a mystery guest
0:10:46 > 0:10:49who's a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53This week David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection
0:10:53 > 0:10:55and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Please welcome this week's special guest, Simon.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03APPLAUSE
0:11:03 > 0:11:07So Mackenzie Crook, what is Simon to you?
0:11:07 > 0:11:13This is Simon and when I hoaxed my school by burying some treasure
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Simon found it and the police were called.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19OK. Chris, how do you know Simon?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23This is Simon, in a virtual world, we're married.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:31And finally, David Mitchell, your relationship with Simon?
0:11:31 > 0:11:32This is Simon.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35He has a large tattoo of my face on his knee.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39So there we have it.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Is Simon Mackenzie's treasure hunter,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Chris's cyber spouse or David's tattooed fan?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Lee's team, where would you like to start?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- David.- Yes?
0:11:48 > 0:11:49How do you know Simon?
0:11:49 > 0:11:54Um, I know him because when I was doing a book signing
0:11:54 > 0:11:59of a comedy book, he came and asked for the book to be signed
0:11:59 > 0:12:03and also asked me to sign my name underneath
0:12:03 > 0:12:05the tattoo of my face on his knee.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08When you signed the face,
0:12:08 > 0:12:12is the face normal when the knee is stretched?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Or is the face normal, when it's not stretched?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Look, it's my face. It's not normal at all!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I hate to ask you this but you've got to answer honestly.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- No, no, I don't.- That's the whole point of the game OK.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28OK. When the people from Would I Lie To You said,
0:12:28 > 0:12:32"We're going to invite on that man who's got a tattoo
0:12:32 > 0:12:35"of your face on his knee", did you say,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38"Oh, good, I'd like to see him again"?
0:12:38 > 0:12:42I am of course thrilled...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44to re-make the acquaintance of, um...
0:12:44 > 0:12:46of... yeah.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Simon.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50It's Simon.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Of, um, Simon.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Just to digress a little bit,
0:12:55 > 0:12:57I once got, it's true, backstage after a gig...
0:12:57 > 0:13:01a woman asked me to sign her bosom
0:13:01 > 0:13:04and I went to sign with the pen that she gave me
0:13:04 > 0:13:06and the pen didn't work
0:13:06 > 0:13:09and without thinking I went to the other breast and went...
0:13:11 > 0:13:13It was awful.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15APPLAUSE
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Mackenzie, how old were you when you buried this treasure?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Er, maybe 13 or 14.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23What was the treasure?
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Diamonds.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27LAUGHTER
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- Whoa. - That's got everyone's attention.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- Fake diamonds, it was hoax so... - How many fake diamonds?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Erm, probably six.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41- Where did you get fake diamonds? - From my sister's jewellery box.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Then you rang the police and hoaxed them into coming to find some fake diamonds?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47No, no, I put them in a tin
0:13:47 > 0:13:51and they were dredging the school pond
0:13:51 > 0:13:54so I knew if I placed it in the pond it would be found.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55And where did he fit into this?
0:13:55 > 0:14:02Simon found the tin with the supposed diamonds and a letter that I'd faked.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04What did it say on the letter?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08It said something along the lines of, "These are stolen, smuggled diamonds."
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you're telling me
0:14:11 > 0:14:15that diamonds were found with a letter that goes, "These are smuggled diamonds."
0:14:15 > 0:14:20Someone went, "We better phone the police, this is genuine." Was there a punishment involved?
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Nobody ever found out it was me. The police said they'd analysed the diamonds
0:14:24 > 0:14:26and they weren't diamonds and it was a hoax.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30So they caught Ronnie Biggs, but they couldn't get you?
0:14:30 > 0:14:35- Are you happy to move on now? - Yeah. Chris you're married in a virtual world?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Tell us more about how you met Simon.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Second Life is a virtual world that exists on the internet,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Secondlife.com, and I'm one of the players.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47There are various roles that you can play.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49You invent an avatar for yourself.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50And you are?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52My avatar is Audrey Helpburn.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Is what?- Audrey Helpburn.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- So you're playing the woman in this relationship?- Yes.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- Why have you got a second life as a woman?- Part of the whole thing
0:15:01 > 0:15:04is that you can be whatever you want to be...
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Don't start singing I Am What I Am!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I thought, well, I'll change my personality,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I'll be Audrey Helpburn,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15as the Audrey Hepburn happens to be one of my real-life heroines.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Couldn't do Hepburn cos someone had already done it.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19And what is Simon's avatar?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22He is Simon Bernstein Junior.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Right. And where did you meet him in this virtual world?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Well, when you go on there,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30you can go to places and then you meet people. They contact you.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34It's a bit like real life, but for sad people!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36His name's Simon and his pretend name is Simon?
0:15:36 > 0:15:41Yes, but his real name's Simon Morgan. Presumably, rather like Audrey Hepburn,
0:15:41 > 0:15:45he couldn't be Simon Morgan. There are about twenty million people...
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- No, but you're not Audrey Hepburn. - No, Helpburn.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52No, but you wanted... Yes, but he is Simon Morgan.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56It's like a psychiatrist's couch. "You are not Audrey Hepburn!
0:15:56 > 0:16:00"I'm not going to tell you again. We went through this last week. You're not Audrey Hepburn."
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I still haven't established where you met Simon Bernstein Junior.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08I met him at a cocktail party. I married him for his money.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I believe you because when you said you married him for his money,
0:16:11 > 0:16:13did you see his face?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER
0:16:16 > 0:16:18He couldn't help it when he said that.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22No, that was the ink on his knees, drying.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23What are you going to say?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27This is a tricky one for me. Victoria, who is he connected with?
0:16:27 > 0:16:31If this was a poker game and I had to make a call, I'd say Mackenzie's not bluffing.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- You're going by body language? - That's interesting.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38What is it about his body that tells you he's not bluffing it?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41He has a certain... He has a sort of calm...
0:16:41 > 0:16:45I know for a fact he's under heavy medication!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Looking at it from a different way, Simon is far too geeky
0:16:48 > 0:16:49for tattoos on his knees,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52but the avatar thing sounds just a bit too plausible.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53I think it's Mackenzie.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58Victoria's a top poker player, she knows body language better than anybody.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00You're saying it's definitely Mackenzie Crook?
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- You're saying that it's the buried treasure?- Yeah.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07OK. Simon, would you like to reveal your true identity?
0:17:08 > 0:17:09My name is Simon
0:17:09 > 0:17:12and when we were at school together, I discovered
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Mackenzie's buried treasure.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19APPLAUSE
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Everything that Mackenzie said was absolutely true.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Simon found the treasure Mackenzie buried
0:17:25 > 0:17:29and actually, we can show you the letter. Have a look at this.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35"In this tin, I have placed stolen..."
0:17:35 > 0:17:37You don't mind me doing it with an accent, do you?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"In this tin, I have placed stolen diamonds."
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I thought you were going to do it with an accent!
0:17:43 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I would never claim to have your range as an actor, David.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Shall I do posh and repressed, or repressed and posh.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:00 > 0:18:05Well done and thank you very much Simon for coming on, how about that?
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Which brings us on to our final round, Quickfire Lies.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Our panellists lie through their teeth and against the clock.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17First up... It's Lee.
0:18:19 > 0:18:24I once helped my mum and dad look for something they'd lost using a Ouija board.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Was it a relative they'd lost?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33David's team, do you believe that?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Um, what was it that they'd lost?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38They'd lost an important document.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42OK, I don't want you to be more specific, that's fine.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Or actually, yes, be more specific.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- A very important document.- OK.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49It was a document.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- It was a document?!- Yes.- Oh, right.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- Did I mention how important it was? - You're going too quickly!
0:18:55 > 0:18:57It was a document.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Did the document matter?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- Oh, it was important, yes. - An important document.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04I can't stress upon you how important it was.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05It was very important.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07What was the important document?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Well, that's the thing I can't...
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Erm, I was only young and I can't remember exactly.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13They'd lost it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16It was something to do with a potential court case,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I don't think it ever got to court...
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Well, of course, they didn't have the document.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24They were worried something might go to court and if they found
0:19:24 > 0:19:27this document it would mean they were proved to be in the right.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- I can't remember anything more... - I can't go into specifics.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Can we concentrate on the world of the dead?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Did they get through to your grandmother and she went,
0:19:36 > 0:19:40"Where did you last see it? Retrace your steps."
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Where did you get the Ouija board from?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I think one of those regulars cos we grew up...
0:19:45 > 0:19:46One of the regular what?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49We grew up in a pub, before the internet,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52between three and five the pub closed, you had to think of something to do.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- Obviously dabble in the occult. - Dabble in the occult.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59And believe it or not, my mum, dad and the regulars had a lock-in,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02and me and my brother were invited to do the Ouija board.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05If only you'd had Jenga or something more wholesome, but no.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Did you hold hands? - That's a seance, don't be an idiot.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- Sorry. I get my bullshit mixed up. - Yeah.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15How did you ask the question?
0:20:15 > 0:20:20I remember it. My dad said, "Spirit world, we have a very, very,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24"very, very, very, very... I can't stress upon you enough
0:20:24 > 0:20:27"how important a document it is that we must find."
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- And they told us where it was. - What did they spell out? - "In the attic".
0:20:30 > 0:20:33So were your parents massively into the occult?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36No. It wasn't a problem. It wasn't like, you know...
0:20:36 > 0:20:38It was just a bit of fun in the afternoon.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- Ouija boards was cheeky in the '70s, before these horror films. - Right.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Until then it was a Waddington's family game.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50- It used to be advertised after Mouse Trap.- "MB Ouija board."
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Picture of all the family looking freaked out.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- So, David, what's it going to be - truth or lie?- I think.- True.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- You think it's true? - I think it is.- I think it's true.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03I was not thinking it's true, but my team think it's true.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- You're the captain. - So I'll go with the team.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08OK, you say true. Lee, what's the answer?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11The answer is it is, in fact, true.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16APPLAUSE
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Yes, it's true. Lee did once help his parents look for something
0:21:20 > 0:21:21they'd lost using a Ouija board.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24For those of you who don't know what a Ouija board is,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27it's like Scrabble for dead people.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Next...
0:21:29 > 0:21:33It's Victoria.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37If I ever get stuck on a crossword clue, I phone Tim Henman for help.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39He hasn't let me down yet.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- Right, David. - I think that's a very cruel line, "he hasn't let me down yet".
0:21:43 > 0:21:48We all know what that's an allusion to - his repeated letting down
0:21:48 > 0:21:51of the entire nation. I think it's, you know...
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Tennis is difficult. And I'd just like to say
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I wouldn't necessarily have won Wimbledon.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Obviously, if I'd practiced as much as Tim Henman,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I'd bloody well expect to. But nevertheless...
0:22:02 > 0:22:07- LAUGHTER - Um... Right. So how do you know Tim Henman?
0:22:07 > 0:22:12I met Tim Henman when he was promoting a sort of
0:22:12 > 0:22:17- tennis academy thing, and I went and played tennis with him at Wimbledon. - Did you play at Wimbledon?
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Yeah. I was writing about it, it wasn't like, "Victoria Coren's got to come and play."
0:22:21 > 0:22:26- You used to ring up Tim Henman to as him difficult crossword things? - Yeah.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29How did you get round the sensitive issue of going, "Six down"?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31LAUGHTER
0:22:35 > 0:22:39So Tim Henman is particularly good at crosswords?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41He's got to be good at something. LAUGHTER
0:22:43 > 0:22:48Once again, I would say that Tim Henman is relatively good at tennis.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52He could almost be a professional.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56I'm curious, of all the people you meet in the course of your job,
0:22:56 > 0:23:02you chose a tennis player of sorts to advise you on crosswords.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- He's very into crosswords. - You're saying, "At this point, in this clue I can't get,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09"what we need are some of the skills that it takes to, you know,
0:23:09 > 0:23:11"choke during a tie break"?
0:23:11 > 0:23:15You're turning against him now, aren't you?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Make your mind up - which side are you on?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19How did the subject of crosswords come up?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I was doing a crossword while waiting for him...
0:23:22 > 0:23:24To serve, to get one in.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28LAUGHTER That's why he kept losing.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32I was doing a crossword, he came in, it was kind of a bonding thing because he said,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34"I like crosswords, let me have a look."
0:23:34 > 0:23:36What do you think? Is it plausible?
0:23:36 > 0:23:40I think it might be plausible, yeah.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Cryptic or just regular?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Cryp. He's not an idiot.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48"Oh, yeah, it's got three letters, household pet, starts with D."
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Cat.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52LAUGHTER
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Mackenzie thinks it's plausible, Packham is saying...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- I think it's sadly probably true. - Right, so you... Come on.
0:23:57 > 0:24:03- I don't have to think.- You're saying true?- True.- OK, so, Victoria...
0:24:03 > 0:24:06You think I phone Tim Henman to ask him the answer to crossword clues?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Obviously, that's a lie.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11APPLAUSE
0:24:14 > 0:24:17It's a lie, Victoria doesn't phone Tim Henman for help
0:24:17 > 0:24:21whenever she gets stuck on a crossword clue. Next...
0:24:21 > 0:24:22It's Rhod.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30I once paid for some tapas with a Nissan Micra.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:36 > 0:24:41- David, tapas, Nissan Micra. - How much tapas were you buying?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44One meal's worth of tapas.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47So what cash value of this tapas?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49In the area of £15.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51OK. Why?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I didn't have any money.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58But weren't you aware that a Nissan Micra, even in probably quite
0:24:58 > 0:25:01scruffy condition, would be worth a lot more than £15?
0:25:01 > 0:25:06Yeah, but if you haven't got money, just a Nissan Micra, what are you going to do?
0:25:06 > 0:25:10I don't suppose I'd eat out in restaurants that much.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Drive home and have some toast.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16I couldn't drive home, I'd sold my car for some tapas.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Oh, yeah, good point.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23- Did they accept the car in payment? - Er, yes.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- How many of you were eating? - Er, eight.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Eight of you sharing £15 worth of tapas?
0:25:29 > 0:25:34- I ate £15 worth, we all had roughly, I suppose... I don't know. - But you didn't offer...
0:25:34 > 0:25:37You didn't offer the Nissan Micra for everyone's meal, you said,
0:25:37 > 0:25:42"Well, I only had this, this and this, the Nissan Micra's only covering that"?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"You can pay for your own."
0:25:46 > 0:25:50I mean, that might have been the time to be a little bit, you know,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53little bit generous. "I am giving a car away here."
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Did none of the others think that they might chip in to save your car?
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Somebody did bail me out, so I had to pay them with my car,
0:26:01 > 0:26:03that's all I had. They said...
0:26:03 > 0:26:06So it was one of your friends that you gave the car to,
0:26:06 > 0:26:10- not the proprietors of the restaurant?- Obviously not, yeah.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14I see. So one of your friends said, "I'll give you the 15 quid."
0:26:14 > 0:26:15"I'll pay your share."
0:26:15 > 0:26:19"But you can't owe it to me, you can't give it to me next week,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22"I want something in exchange for it NOW."
0:26:22 > 0:26:28You looked in your pocket, "I've got a handkerchief, my shirt. It'd be embarrassing to take my shirt off,
0:26:28 > 0:26:29"it'll have to be the car."
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I think what happened was she said, "I'll pay your share."
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I said, "I've got nothing, I can give you my car."
0:26:34 > 0:26:38I don't think it occurred to her to say, "Give me 15 quid next week."
0:26:38 > 0:26:39"I'll take the car" is what she said.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- What was the value of the car? - 2,500 I paid for it.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44And how long had you had it?
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- And how long before the dinner? - I lost £2,485 on the deal.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52LAUGHTER
0:26:52 > 0:26:57It was good tapas, it was nice. We had, um...
0:26:57 > 0:26:58I had albondigas,
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- I had croquettas, you know, croquettes.- Don't patronise me.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05LAUGHTER
0:27:05 > 0:27:09And, um. And I had gambas a la plancha - grilled prawns.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10No, no, no, no.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14And then I threw in the floor mats for some patatas bravas.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17David, what do you think? Is he telling the truth?
0:27:17 > 0:27:21- I think not. - Surely not.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24But it's so sort of odd and weird and I think it's a lie.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- It's a lie.- Yeah. - They're all saying it's a lie.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30OK, Rhod Gilbert, truth or lie?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32It is a...
0:27:32 > 0:27:33..true.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37APPLAUSE
0:27:39 > 0:27:42So, just to be clear, everything you just said was true?
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- Every word of it.- You are a moron!
0:27:45 > 0:27:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:46 > 0:27:48BUZZER SOUNDS
0:27:48 > 0:27:52And that noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54And I can tell you, well, what a shocker,
0:27:54 > 0:27:58- Lee's team have won by six points to four.- How did you do it?
0:27:58 > 0:28:01APPLAUSE
0:28:01 > 0:28:05But, of course, it's not just a team game,
0:28:05 > 0:28:10and my individual liar of the week this week is Mackenzie Crook.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13APPLAUSE
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Yes, Mackenzie Crook - I suppose the clue was in the name.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20never trust anyone called Mackenzie.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Good night.