0:00:16 > 0:00:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?
0:00:30 > 0:00:33The show with a lust for lies. On Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35a veteran comedian and writer,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39who, after receiving his OBE, bantered with the Queen,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42one of the few occasions on which Victoria was amused.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43It's Barry Cryer.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Thank you.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:52And the star of BBC series Supersizers,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55who once had to eat the same sort of food that people lived on
0:00:55 > 0:00:59during World War II when she went for lunch at Barry Cryer's house.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02It's Sue Perkins.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And joining David Mitchell tonight,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11a comedian who left university with a degree in physics.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I mean, God knows who it belonged to,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15but finder's keepers, I say. Dara O'Briain.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:18 > 0:01:23And a TV presenter who, for Comic Relief,
0:01:23 > 0:01:27took part in a gruelling trek across a bleak, African desert,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29a journey she easily coped with
0:01:29 > 0:01:32as she regularly gets the train from Dundee to London.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35It's Lorraine Kelly.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:37 > 0:01:40And so, we begin, as always, with Round One.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43It's Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement
0:01:43 > 0:01:46from the card in front of them. To make it harder,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48they've never seen the card before,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50so, they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53It's up to the opposing team to sift the truth from the lies.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Dara starts us off tonight. Dara, off you go.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57OK.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01On doctor's advice, I have to sleep in a cycle helmet
0:02:01 > 0:02:04due to the violent nature of my dreams.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06LAUGHTER
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Well, Lee, where to begin?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Tell us about the violent nature of your dreams, Dara.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I move a lot within the dreams.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18They're active rather than like hack and slash movie-type violent,
0:02:18 > 0:02:22they're more, I'm playing a match or I'm running or something
0:02:22 > 0:02:24and I move a lot in the bed.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Dara, what damage can you do to yourself with a pillow?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Well, I can snap, you know.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33It can go back quite violent... You know, like, I can recoil.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36What does your wife think? Does she...? Do you share a bed?
0:02:36 > 0:02:37I do share a bed, yes.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41When did the doctor prescribe the helmet?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44It was during my late teens. Whenever that stage that it began...
0:02:44 > 0:02:47That is the age when you start tossing and turning.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:52No, no, no, no, I'm not having... No, I'm not having that.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55If I can't make an innocent comment...
0:02:55 > 0:03:00Please, this isn't Never Mind Your Buzzcocks.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01I dreamt, this is true,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I dreamt, the other night, that I was being spooned,
0:03:04 > 0:03:08I was the spoonee with a lion.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Seriously, seriously. I could feel its big, hairy arms
0:03:14 > 0:03:17and its leg... Well, they're all legs, aren't they?
0:03:17 > 0:03:21All legs around me and I could feel it and I could smell it
0:03:21 > 0:03:25and it was so vivid and I liked it.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27LAUGHTER
0:03:27 > 0:03:30So, the last thing I would have done is lash out because I was...
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Feared for my life.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Yeah, but I didn't have that dream.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37You feared for your life and you liked it?
0:03:37 > 0:03:38It was a lion!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I thought you said you liked it.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43You must have thought you were safe with this lion,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45but it was actually the fear that you liked.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48We've all had experiences in bed, David,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50where we're simultaneously afraid and excited.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER
0:03:51 > 0:03:53So Dara, back to the...
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Yeah, the plot.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57..the image. What do you wear in bed?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00What do...? Oh, other than that? Pyjamas and a T-shirt.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01It's a lovely look.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02LAUGHTER
0:04:02 > 0:04:04The pyjama with the...
0:04:04 > 0:04:09I don't wear the jacket, though. It's unnecessarily formal.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13As if you'd wear a blazer in bed. It would clash with your helmet.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16It is odd the way pyjamas have a collar that could take a tie.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:24- Back to the helmet.- You know Petr Cech, the Chelsea goalkeeper?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26You better explain to David who...
0:04:26 > 0:04:29He's a footballer who got kicked in the head.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33- The goalkeeper's the one that owns the club, right?- That's him, yeah.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Anyway, he got kicked in the head
0:04:35 > 0:04:37and he wears a padded... It's very similar to that.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39If you've had a previous head injury
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- and I've had a knock in the past. - Have you?
0:04:42 > 0:04:43What was your head injury?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I fell off a bike when I was a teenager and...
0:04:46 > 0:04:49How ironic! They make you wear a cycle helmet to remind you
0:04:49 > 0:04:52of that terrible, terrible day.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55When did you start wearing the cycle helmet in bed?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- That was when I was 16.- You've worn it since you were 16?- Yeah.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59- How old are you now?- 39.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02So, on your honeymoon night, you wore it, did you?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04She was used to that. She'd seen it.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07So, every night.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08I've heard of safe sex...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10LAUGHTER
0:05:10 > 0:05:11During sex, are you wearing it?
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Cos then, you're really thrashing around, aren't you?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Do you presume that there's no gap between the end of sex and sleep
0:05:19 > 0:05:20that I couldn't then go,
0:05:20 > 0:05:25"Oh, that was magic. Do you mind if I put my hat on?"
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Do you know what? That, to me, is more disturbing.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:33"That was marvellous. What the hell are you putting on your head?"
0:05:33 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Lee, it's time to take a guess. What do you think?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43If he's not telling the truth, he's made life hard for himself.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45He didn't have to say he'd done it for 23 years.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- How long have you know him for? - I've never slept with him.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I don't think...
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- It's a lie. Lie. - We're saying it's a lie.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59So, Dara, are you telling the truth or was it a lie?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01That scar that goes from there to there?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03No, it's a lie.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:07 > 0:06:12It's a lie. Dara wasn't advised to sleep in a cycle helmet
0:06:12 > 0:06:14because of the violent nature of his dreams.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Lorraine, you're up next.
0:06:16 > 0:06:22I once presented an episode of TV-am whilst drunk.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I don't think we need to discuss this any further.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27LAUGHTER
0:06:27 > 0:06:31OK. Why, what time do you start work on TV-am?
0:06:31 > 0:06:35In those days, I would be getting up about three o'clock.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37So, you're waking up at three...
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Are you still hammered from the night before or topping up at three?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- If you're waking up sober, this is a tragic story.- This is a great story.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47No, it was only the once.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49What happened the night before or the...?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51No, I went for lunch.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- A long lunch?- About 12. Well, aye.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56"Well, aye."
0:06:57 > 0:07:00What time does the lunch start?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03About half past 12.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05OK. What time did you finish drinking?
0:07:05 > 0:07:06About three o'clock.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Three o'clock in the morning?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11You've drunk all the way through till three o'clock.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13That's your wake-up time.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17So, you've not slept? It was an all-nighter.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20So, you're drinking from 12 till three in the morning, and you go,
0:07:20 > 0:07:22"Aye, got to go to work, now, lads."
0:07:24 > 0:07:26"See you later, I'm on telly."
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Lorraine Kelly, who were you with? - Who was I with?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I was celebrating with John Hannah, the actor.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36John Hannah, the actor?
0:07:36 > 0:07:37ALL: Oooh!
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Stop the clocks.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Exactly, and we kind of did.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44He was celebrating the fact that he'd got the part
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- in Four Weddings And A Funeral. - Was he? Wonderful!
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I hope this is true, now, because that's a lovely story.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- I know.- And you went drinking... - It's a sort of lovely story,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55that she turned up drunk on air
0:07:55 > 0:07:57after a 19-hour drinking session.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00It's quite heart-warming.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- A-a-a-h-h-h! - But, but, but I could...
0:08:03 > 0:08:07I could have phoned in not well, I could have phoned in instead.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Yeah, we appreciate you're a professional.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Thank you.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14What might we have noticed about Lorraine Kelly that morning?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Oh, nothing, absolutely....
0:08:16 > 0:08:17- Did you have your top on?- I did.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20LAUGHTER
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Nobody would ever have known. Nobody did know, only me.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26When you say drunk it sounds like... I mean, drunk's a big word.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- You know that way you can drink yourself sober?- Yes, I do.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31You're my kind of woman.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34You can drink yourself sober, you can actually...
0:08:34 > 0:08:35- I don't think you can.- You can!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I don't think you can, kids.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43"Mummy, do you know what Lorraine Kelly's just said on television?"
0:08:43 > 0:08:45You can't drink yourself sober.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- You can.- You're right, Lorraine.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- Thank you Barry, you can. - Yeah, you're right.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52You can!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55So, Lee's team, what do you think?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57What do we think, Barry?
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Is this true or a lie?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I'm an old-fashioned gent.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I'm sorry to say I think it's true.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04LAUGHTER
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Sorry, Lorraine. - Do you think it's true?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- I think so, yeah. - OK, we'll say it's true.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- You saying it's true? Lorraine. - Shaking her head.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16As if I would do such a thing as that!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18It's true.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Yes, it's true.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Lorraine did once present an episode of TV-am drunk.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29It's astonishing, isn't it?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Only once. I mean, that's nothing.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34I once got so drunk I WATCHED an episode of TV-am.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Barry.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43I have written and had published a trilogy of romantic novels
0:09:43 > 0:09:47under a female pen name.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48David's team.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50What's the female pen name, Barry?
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Mary Windsor.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- Mary Windsor.- Oh, Mary Windsor.- Yeah.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57And at what stage in your career was this?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Early.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00LAUGHTER
0:10:00 > 0:10:04I'd written... Done one book of anecdotes
0:10:04 > 0:10:08and the publisher said that they fancied doing a sort of
0:10:08 > 0:10:09sub-Barbara Cartland, you know?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11A sort of... One of those.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Were the anecdotes romantic in your book?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15No, no. I don't know why they chose me,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18but I went for it and I got away with three of them,
0:10:18 > 0:10:19which didn't sell, obviously.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Nobody's heard of them.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Were they linked, by the way? Was it a trilogy or was it the same story?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26There were three separate stories.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Great, so, that's all three plots, please, off the cuff.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32LAUGHTER
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Let's go for book number one.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Book number one was a shameless rip-off of Lady Chatterley's Lover.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39It was about a guy
0:10:39 > 0:10:42who worked on the estate and the lady of the manor.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43It was just blatant.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- And what was it called, Barry? What was the title?- My Land.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50It was a quotation from the lady of the manor
0:10:50 > 0:10:52who said it at a crucial point in the plot.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Oh, how crucial?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57On their first falling out, they become lovers
0:10:57 > 0:10:58and then, it became very tense
0:10:58 > 0:11:00and then, she became very autocratic with him
0:11:00 > 0:11:04and it was a very moving moment, if I say so myself.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08LAUGHTER
0:11:09 > 0:11:14- And book two?- Book two was set in Spain and a bullfighter is involved.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- Oh, right. - But same plot, I'm not kidding you.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20LAUGHTER
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Was book two called My Bull?
0:11:23 > 0:11:28No, no. I'm ashamed to say it was called Hasta La Vista.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31LAUGHTER
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I wish you wouldn't go on about this, I'm not proud of them.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I think I want to read them.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39And book three?
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- One Year, it was called. - One Year.- One Year.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45You didn't go overboard on the titles, did you?
0:11:45 > 0:11:49No, simple, self-explanatory titles.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51What was the plot of book three?
0:11:51 > 0:11:55The plot of book three was on board a liner.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- On board a liner?- My Liner!
0:11:58 > 0:12:05This posh, frustrated woman went on a liner and met this steward.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Why did they stop this? This is gold!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Which one, now that you look back, Barry,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- with the wisdom that you've accrued over the years...- Yes.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Which one are you proudest of?
0:12:20 > 0:12:24The third one because I was starting to get the hang of it.
0:12:24 > 0:12:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:34 > 0:12:36The publishers disagreed.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39They thought you were losing what hang of it you'd ever had.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45- What are you thinking, David's team? - What do you think, Lorraine?- Och, no.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49I just don't see Barry having the time to do it and if...
0:12:49 > 0:12:53I could write those drunk in the morning.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:00 > 0:13:02We think it's a lie, don't we? Yeah, yeah.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04You sure? Think it's a lie.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Barry Cryer, truth or lie?
0:13:06 > 0:13:11Dramatic pause. Music is heard in the background.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13It was...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15..a lie.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18APPLAUSE
0:13:23 > 0:13:27It's a lie. Barry hasn't written a trilogy of romantic novels
0:13:27 > 0:13:29under a female pen name.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30I love romantic fiction.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33The new Jilly Cooper book features a highly-sexed woman
0:13:33 > 0:13:35who makes love in the strangest places.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39It's on the shelves Monday, hanging from a chandelier Tuesday,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42on top of the wardrobe Wednesday.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Our next round is called This Is My...
0:13:44 > 0:13:46where we bring on a mystery guest
0:13:46 > 0:13:49who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52So, please welcome this week's special guest, Rod.
0:13:52 > 0:13:58APPLAUSE
0:13:59 > 0:14:02So, Barry first of all. What is Rod to you?
0:14:02 > 0:14:08This is Rod. He drives my favourite bus
0:14:08 > 0:14:12and whenever I see it, I shout, "Hello, darling".
0:14:12 > 0:14:15LAUGHTER
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Sue, how do you know Rod?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19This is lovely Rod who's my local butcher
0:14:19 > 0:14:21and when I won Maestro,
0:14:21 > 0:14:25he had a whole pig in the window and he stuck my face on its face
0:14:25 > 0:14:29and he put a little conducting baton in its trotters to celebrate.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30ALL: Awww.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Lee, your relationship with Rod?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34This is Rod, and after we accidentally
0:14:34 > 0:14:37took each other's baggage from the carousel,
0:14:37 > 0:14:41I ended up having to wear his clothes for three days on holiday.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43So, there we have it.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Barry's bus driver, Sue's butcher or Lee's unlucky holiday-goer.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- David, off you go. - So, your local butcher...- Yes.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53You got to know him quite well before this...
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Before you were sort of represented in pig form.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Yes, for about seven years, off and on.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Is this, like, a posh butchers, basically?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Well, no, how...? what do you mean by posh butcher?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I basically think going to a butcher's is quite posh now,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10on the basis that most people buy meat at supermarkets.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Well, no, the butcher's en route to the tube,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14so I've always gone and also I've got...
0:15:14 > 0:15:17If you need some meat to gnaw on the tube...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Basically, he's on that route so I always say hello
0:15:19 > 0:15:22and there's three of them that work there, Rod's one,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25and also I've got dogs so they give me bones...
0:15:25 > 0:15:29- So this is sort of a 1950s idyll you're living in.- Yeah, exactly so.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Sue, this was done, so you say,
0:15:31 > 0:15:33in honour of the programme Maestro.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Tell us what that was.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39A programme where you learned how to be an orchestral conductor.
0:15:39 > 0:15:44So why the leap? "Ah! An orchestral conductor - a pig!"
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Well, to be fair, I mean, he is a butcher,
0:15:46 > 0:15:47he can't say shall we put it on
0:15:47 > 0:15:51the face of the pig or the dead body of Andre Previn in the back there?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56How was your face done? Was it like a colour printout?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Yeah, like something they'd got off, off the internet,
0:15:59 > 0:16:01so it was quite, quite pixelated.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Not pixelated, I think you mean low resolution.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07That's what I mean. Not like smiley face.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Otherwise, people would go,
0:16:08 > 0:16:11"That's clearly the pixelated face of Sue Perkins on that pig."
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Right so moving on...what number bus is it, Barry?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19H14. H14 Hatch End to Northwick Park Hospital.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23- Right.- And, and in reverse. No, he doesn't drive in reverse...
0:16:25 > 0:16:29And I don't shout, "Hello, darling," at Rod - nothing personal, Rod.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33I shout it at the bus, because it's my friend.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36You shout it when the H14 drives past.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- So when, when you're planning to get on it..- Yes.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41..then at what point do you shout, "Hello darling."
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I'm a creature of whim.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48It might be early, it might be late, it might be
0:16:48 > 0:16:51when I'm getting on, I don't... I want to vary it.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Do you add, "I'm coming in, darling."
0:16:53 > 0:16:56No, no. No, there's no foreplay.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02David, what about Lee's?
0:17:03 > 0:17:08- So where were you going on holiday? - Thailand.- Right.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Me and Rod got our bags mixed up
0:17:09 > 0:17:11on the carousel and so as a result of that
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I had to wear his clothes for three days.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- Where did you fly to, Bangkok? - Flew to Bangkok.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- You didn't have labels on your case? - Correct.- That was very remiss.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Well, it was remiss, it was...
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Lorraine, it was remiss or I'm lying!
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- Aye.- Yeah. - In which case it wasn't remiss.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30OK. I think it will be remiss.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32So just, just to clarify, Lee,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35are you still saying this is true
0:17:35 > 0:17:37or has the very suggestion you might be remiss,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40made you abandon any attempt at playing this game.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- I will not be...- "I'm not going to be called remiss,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45"OK, it's nonsense, it's nonsense.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48"I'm not a fool, I actually label my luggage very carefully cos I think
0:17:48 > 0:17:51"that's very important and I'm not for a moment
0:17:51 > 0:17:53"going to pretend otherwise!"
0:17:55 > 0:17:59What sort of case was it? Was it just...what kind of case was it?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- It was actually leopard skin. - Oh, please.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Not leopard skin as in animal fur,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05it was plastic but it had, had the effect.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08No, blokes don't have leopard skin.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11You're right, It was my wife, my wife's zany idea.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Rod's a proper bloke, I mean... - So am I, Lorraine, thank you!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- But you're kind of showbiz. - What d'you mean "kind of showbiz"?
0:18:17 > 0:18:18How about I AM showbiz?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I don't think Rod would have...
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Remiss, kind of showbiz? I'm really coming for you.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- SUE:- Not a proper man!
0:18:26 > 0:18:27BARRY: What barbs!
0:18:27 > 0:18:32Hang on so there's two men... TWO MEN of exact same build,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35both travelling to Bangkok on the same flight
0:18:35 > 0:18:37with leopard skin suitcases.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39LAUGHTER
0:18:39 > 0:18:41People swap bags all the time,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43but they bring them back to the airport
0:18:43 > 0:18:45or they get somebody at the hotel to bring them back
0:18:45 > 0:18:48and they buy replacement clothes. They don't go,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"I will now assume the identity of the man whose suitcase I have."
0:18:51 > 0:18:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:56 > 0:18:59No, but I have to be honest, that is the rules of the games,
0:18:59 > 0:19:00I didn't...I wasn't in Bangkok,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I had to fly again from Bangkok to a place called Krabi
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- and then we got on a boat to an island resort...- Yeah.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09..so it was a long way back to Bangkok.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- So you didn't open your case until your final destination?- Yes.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14What were Rod's clothes like?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Were you happy to wear them, did they fit you?
0:19:16 > 0:19:20I think you can look at Rod and you can see he's a stylish man.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- Mmm-hmm. - His...his wigs weren't great...
0:19:23 > 0:19:24but his...
0:19:24 > 0:19:25LAUGHTER
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Let's say some of the things I wouldn't have worn.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30For example his, his bus conductor's outfit.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I wouldn't have worn that!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35And as for his butcher's outfit...well.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37What are you thinking, David, I mean, it's...
0:19:37 > 0:19:39it's a tricky one I think, this week.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I think, I think it's Sue.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Really?- I think it's probably Sue.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Do you? I think it's Lee.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48You think it's Lee?!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50What did I say?
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Lorraine, Lorraine, can I just say, even I don't think it's me.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55LAUGHTER
0:19:55 > 0:20:00- No, it's two against one, go for it. - Ok, well, we think it's Sue.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Right. Rod, would you please reveal your true identity.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I'm Rod and I'm Barry's H14 driver.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Ladies and gentlemen, Rod. Thank you, Rod.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Time now for some high-speed lying in our final round, Quick-Fire Lies.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Our panellists don't know
0:20:27 > 0:20:29whether they're about to read out a true fact
0:20:29 > 0:20:33about themselves or a made-up lie they've never seen before.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36David is currently behind, so really has to work hard
0:20:36 > 0:20:38to grab some extra points, if they want to win.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40We will start with...
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Oh, David.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Possession.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- You know the form... - This could be anything.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Take out the object, show us first and then read out the card, please.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Awww.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58It's true, it's true!
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Move on!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02We don't even need to hear it.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04This-this is my bear, Tablecloth.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08LAUGHTER
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Customs officers once cut his head off
0:21:10 > 0:21:13and searched him for smuggled goods.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Can we see, is there proof?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- Is there any way of telling? - There's some stitching.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Oh, just tilt, tilt his chin up so we can see the stitching.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Not too much, don't want to upset him.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- All right.- Can we have a look at the bear?- Yes, you can have the bear.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- Throw him over violently. - No, don't throw him.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I couldn't possibly.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- SUE:- He's been decapitated, he's seen worse.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37You can't throw the bear, that'd be a shame.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Thank you, Lorraine.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Sorry, I meant you to pass it to Rob, I've now made you
0:21:41 > 0:21:45do the whole journey, like, "Take the bear over there please, Lorraine.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49"It's in my contract I never leave, I never leave the desk."
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- David, just look at me... - I, I didn't...
0:21:52 > 0:21:54How is this making you feel?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58- LORRAINE:- That's terrible. You are horrible!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Stop it! That's really terrible!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Isn't it awful?!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06He's had his head cut off and his thing ripped out,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08how can that possibly upset him?
0:22:08 > 0:22:13David why, why did you call this bear Tablecloth?
0:22:13 > 0:22:14- BARRY:- Yes.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Because, when I was very little,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19he had a little jacket made out of a tablecloth.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22AUDIENCE SIGHS
0:22:24 > 0:22:25If this turns out to be a lie,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27you are a shameless little light entertainer.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Coming from you, Lee, that is a compliment.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38What...where was the customs, where were you going from or to?
0:22:38 > 0:22:42We were going back from Minorca.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44What were they looking for?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I imagine it was just, sort of, a spot check.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Did you see them carve the head off? Was it happening in front of you,
0:22:50 > 0:22:51on the table, on the...
0:22:51 > 0:22:54No. I'm glad to say I was shielded from that moment.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57David, I'm going off this story.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00You heartless bastard.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Huh-ho!
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Sorry, Tablecloth.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07- What? Do it to him, smash his face on the...- Give me the bear.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I'm taking the bear into care.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14You looks like you're about to do an appeal.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Why didn't they check the arms and legs?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I don't know, I should have asked them to.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I should have said, "Call that thorough?"
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I'd have done this here.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30What's that you say?
0:23:30 > 0:23:34You say it's time for Lee's team to take a guess?
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Erm...what do you think?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Maybe he's in denial
0:23:38 > 0:23:41and the truth is he, as an adult, was searched for drugs
0:23:41 > 0:23:44and he's so traumatised by what they did to him
0:23:44 > 0:23:47he's had to create a teddy bear and put it all on to him.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Show us on the teddy bear what they did to you at customs.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Show us on the teddy bear where they shoved their fist.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00That's why the bear's hands are like that.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Oh...
0:24:01 > 0:24:03APPLAUSE
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- OK, we're going to say lie are we, Sue?- I think so.- Lie.- OK.- Lie.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I don't think I can argue with that.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09OK, David.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Well, it is a lie.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17APPLAUSE
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Yes, it's a lie.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24David's teddy bear didn't have his head cut off by customs officers,
0:24:24 > 0:24:26as they searched for smuggled goods.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27When I was a rebellious young man,
0:24:27 > 0:24:30I once stuck two fingers up to a customs officer,
0:24:30 > 0:24:34who pulled me aside, put on a rubber glove and returned the favour.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Next.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Oh, it's Lee, Lee's go.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Possession. - Right, box under the desk, Lee.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Please read the card first and then show us what's in there.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I spent an entire year in a plastic work class at school
0:24:51 > 0:24:54and this is the only thing I managed to make.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Plastic work.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Plastic work. What is it?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02What is it?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I don't know. Can we have a look, can we...
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- Can you bring it over? - Lee, what is that, though?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Thank you.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10It's shit.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12LAUGHTER
0:25:14 > 0:25:18You bastard. And I treated your teddy bear with such respect.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20What is it, though?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- Ironically, it's a luggage tag. - Is it a luggage tag?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26It's a key ring.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- Oh, is it a key ring? - Are you a big sports fan?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- I follow football. - Yeah, which team d'you follow?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34- Blackburn Rovers.- Blackburn Rovers?
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Blackburn doesn't begin with an L, does it?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43So what was the LFC?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Erm...it was Liberace for Chancellor.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48LAUGHTER
0:25:51 > 0:25:53It stands for Liverpool Football Club.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- Yes, it does.- Yeah, yeah.
0:25:55 > 0:26:00Why did you make a Liverpool key ring in plastic work?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Because they didn't have blue and white plastic,
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Blackburn Rovers, they had red plastic, so I thought,
0:26:06 > 0:26:10"Well, I'll give it the Liverpool Football Club", cos it's red!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- Right.- When did you do it,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15what age were you when you did that? Was it at school then?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17No, it was in Broadmoor.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23You say it took you a year.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- DIFFERENT PRONOUNCIATION: - No, a y-EAR.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- LAUGHTER - Oh...!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30APPLAUSE
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I've never heard of plastic work.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Well, the thing is, in 1982, plastic was the future.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Well, I don't, I don't in any way disparage plastic,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45that's fine, I like plastic, plastic's very useful.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48But a class at school doing... for plastic work?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50How did you cut it? What did you use?
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Well, not like that.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I don't think you're in any position to get all haughty about your
0:26:56 > 0:27:01plastic cutting technique if THIS is the only thing that you have.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04APPLAUSE
0:27:06 > 0:27:08I must say I, I don't believe this.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12I'd love to know what this object is, who made it and why
0:27:12 > 0:27:16- but I think we think it's a lie. - All lies.- Totally.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19OK, they say it's a lie. Lee, is it the truth or is it a lie.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21It is in fact true.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24THEY GROAN IN DISBELIEF
0:27:24 > 0:27:27LORRAINE: Oh, my God!
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Plastic work. That was a lesson that never caught on, plastic work.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- Plastic work. - Did anyone else do plastic work? - AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Did you get marked on that, submitted for examination?
0:27:39 > 0:27:40- Yes, I did get.- What was your grade?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43I got a 2:1 and went straight to Oxford. What do you think?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45LAUGHTER
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Yes, it's true.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49I don't know exactly what LFC stands for,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52but I'm guessing the first word is lazy.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55LAUGHTER
0:27:55 > 0:27:56BUZZER
0:27:56 > 0:28:00And that noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show
0:28:00 > 0:28:05and I can reveal that David's team have a pathetic three points
0:28:05 > 0:28:08and Lee's team has trounced home with eight!
0:28:08 > 0:28:13APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:13 > 0:28:15But, of course, it's not just a team game
0:28:15 > 0:28:19and my individual liar of the week this week, is Barry Cryer.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Oh, shucks!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Bazza.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Yes, Barry Cryer, who hasn't lied so much since he typed the words
0:28:27 > 0:28:30"new material" at the top of a page of jokes.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Good night!
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:41 > 0:28:44E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk