0:00:17 > 0:00:19CHEERING
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Hi!
0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING / APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33the show that sorts the facts from the fibs.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36And on Lee Mack's team tonight - she presents The One Show,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38which is now part of British life. Without it,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41millions of families would have to eat their tea in silence.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- It's Alex Jones! - SHE LAUGHS
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING / APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:52And the presenter of the extremely popular daytime quiz show Pointless,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55whose fans will no doubt be tuning in to this show tonight.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59So a big welcome to students, the unemployed and the bedridden.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- It's Alexander Armstrong! - CHEERING / APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:07And on David Mitchell's team tonight -
0:01:07 > 0:01:11well, 12 years ago he was honoured with a Lifetime Achievement award.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14He didn't take the hint. He's still here. It's Chris Tarrant!
0:01:14 > 0:01:17CHEERING / APPLAUSE
0:01:18 > 0:01:23And, er, first Light Lunch, now The Great British Bake Off...
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Is there any meal she won't exploit for her own financial gain?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Mel Giedroyc!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- CHEERING / APPLAUSE - Thank you!
0:01:31 > 0:01:35And so we start with Round 1, Home Truths,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37where our panellists each read out a statement
0:01:37 > 0:01:40from the card in front of them. To make things harder,
0:01:40 > 0:01:44they've never seen the card, so they don't know what they're faced with.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction,
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- and we'll start with Alex. - Oh! Here we go.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54"I once lost Julian Lloyd Webber's cello
0:01:54 > 0:01:57because I was chatting up a parking attendant."
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- LAUGHTER - Well, David and team?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- Lot of factors there.- Go on.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Why were you in possession of Julian Lloyd Webber's cello?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Because...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10he had lent it to me.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Um...
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- LAUGHTER - Why would he lend you his cello?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- Well, not exactly lend. - You nicked it.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23- I was kind of looking after it. - Where were you, Alex?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- I was in Manchester.- Right. Yeah.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Was he playing? Was he doing a gig or something?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32He was doing... Yeah. He was, like, with an orchestra,
0:02:32 > 0:02:34but he had his own solo part, so he played -
0:02:34 > 0:02:37In an orchestra, they all have their own instrument each, don't they?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Yeah, but, David, he had a special part.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Oh, right. OK. But... For which he didn't need his cello?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47It was... And he asked you to hold the cello...
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- This was before.- ..and go and check on the parking scenario
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- in the middle of the symphony. - This was before.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- Before the concert.- OK.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- So, did you know him? - I hadn't met him before, no.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02But what was the great attraction of the parking attendant?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Very handsome. Very fit. It was a very hot day.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08With a big hat like that and his jacket up there?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- He didn't have a hat on. He was very modern.- He didn't have a hat?!
0:03:11 > 0:03:15I think we need to analyse this story chronologically.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Yes. We'll start again.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- Now, it is the day of the concert. - Right.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Dawn breaks. LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- Right.- Where are you, and where is Julian Lloyd Webber?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Julian Lloyd Webber and I are both in Manchester.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- When did you meet?- In the car park.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- No...- Said like a true Welsh girl!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38ROB LAUGHS
0:03:39 > 0:03:41APPLAUSE
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I'm afraid "the car park" is not an acceptable answer
0:03:46 > 0:03:48to the question "When did you meet?",
0:03:48 > 0:03:50because the car park is a place, not a time.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54- LAUGHTER - Let me set the scene.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- OK.- So, I'm in the car park,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- with a car-park attendant. - Of course you are.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03He's just there. He hasn't got a hat on. He's not that official.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07He's just generally hanging around the car park, all sexy.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- He's just hanging out. - Yeah.- What's he wearing?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- Has he got anything on?- Is he naked? - He's got jeans on and a T-shirt.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Jeans and a T-shirt? This is just some guy!
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- It's a bloke!- He's got high-vis on. - He's told you he's an attendant
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- because he wants to sound important. - Is that important?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Yeah. It's the sexiest thing you can say. Everyone knows that.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Julian Lloyd Webber... - Yeah.- ..walks in with a cello.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- Which weighs about four ton. - No. They're not that heavy, Chris.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39And for someone like Julian, who's probably got a bit of sinew
0:04:39 > 0:04:42and bicep because of all his playing, it would be very light.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- Yeah.- It's not going to be heavy.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48It's how they pick cellists. They pick the ones that can carry it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52You can teach anyone to play it, but carrying it's the trick.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55He pitches up.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59- He's on his phone. - Yeah. Oh! While carrying the cello?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02What a guy! LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Were you trying to get off with the car-park man
0:05:05 > 0:05:08because you wanted to not pay for your own parking?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12It's difficult to know, if you're a car-park attendant,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14whether any relationship you're in is genuine.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18- "Is it me, or is it just for the free parking?"- Exactly.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Did he just hand the cello to you with a nod, like that...- Yes.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26..on the understanding that you would know what he meant?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29No. He'd put it down on the side, and then just went...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- What happens then? - Yes. This is crucial.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Then Julian comes off the phone.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Taps me on the shoulder. "Where's my cello?"
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- I look round. Cello gone. - THEY GASP
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- What? - It was the car-parking attendant!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- LAUGHTER - Who took the cello, then?
0:05:46 > 0:05:50The cello had made its way into the concert hall.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- Of course it had.- On its own?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56The very best cellos can do that, can't they?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Well, somebody has taken the cello,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00gone into the concert hall with the cello.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Julian and me, flummoxed.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Flummoxed?- So this is not an attempt to steal the cello?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09This is a do-gooder seeing an unattended cello
0:06:09 > 0:06:11and thinking, "Well, I can't leave that lying around."
0:06:11 > 0:06:14"Someone could steal it. I'd better steal it."
0:06:14 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER
0:06:16 > 0:06:19It was a good citizen who thought, "That's worth millions."
0:06:19 > 0:06:21"It's on its own. I'll take it in."
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Why were you at this concert? What was your ostensible role?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I was a runner-researcher,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29so I was working on a television programme that they were making.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31That's new information.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I'm suddenly coming round to Julian's point of view.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37So, what do you think? What are you going to say?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- I think it's utter, utter nonsense. - You think it's nonsense?
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- I'm going to say she's lying. - You both think she's lying?- Yeah.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- Well, I certainly... I think it's true.- Do you?
0:06:47 > 0:06:52- But not enough to overrule. - Oh, don't say that, cos now you...
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I know. It's very rarely that I overrule.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57At the moment I believe in democracy,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00but if it turns out you guys are wrong,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02I'm going to lose my belief in democracy,
0:07:02 > 0:07:05and this could become a police state.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- So, your answer is... - We're going to say it's a lie.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Saying it's a lie. Right.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- Alex?- Actually, no. We're going to say it's true.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17LAUGHTER Oh, police-state time!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- We're going to say it's true. - I like that.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I like that. I find that arousing.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Alex, truth or lie?
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Rob, you should have to take the first answer on this programme.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- It's true!- No!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35APPLAUSE
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Yes, it's true!
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Alex did lose Julian Lloyd Webber's cello
0:07:41 > 0:07:43because she was chatting up a parking attendant.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Right. Next up it's Xander.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51"I once prevented a burglar from breaking into my house
0:07:51 > 0:07:56by hiding behind the door and barking like two different dogs...
0:07:56 > 0:07:58LAUGHTER
0:07:58 > 0:08:00..at him."
0:08:00 > 0:08:05- David's team?- First up, please do the two different dogs that you did,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- and say what the dogs were.- OK.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I doubt that Xander, in his state of panic, went,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14"First I'll do a Yorkshire terrier,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17then I'll do... No, not an Airedale. A retriever."
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- This is -- I can't do a retriever. I can't do a retriever. I've tried.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25- What I tried to do... - LAUGHTER
0:08:25 > 0:08:29The effect I was going for was of scratching paint, and...
0:08:29 > 0:08:31HE GRUNTS AND GROWLS
0:08:31 > 0:08:35What I wanted to give an illusion of was weight,
0:08:35 > 0:08:39weight and snuffling, so I went for...
0:08:39 > 0:08:41HE WHINES AND GROWLS
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- Has anyone got a Scooby Snack? - LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:47And dog two, the different dog?
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Maybe a smaller dog, the mastermind.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- HE LAUGHS - One was... The other one...
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I was worried about this. It was...
0:08:56 > 0:08:59HE SNUFFLES AND SNEEZES
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Did this frighten the burglar? Did he run off?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Did he break into the house, Chris? No.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09You were crouching down behind a door,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11and a burglar is also coming through the door.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Well, what was happening was, the burglar was busy...
0:09:15 > 0:09:19was at the door, trying to force his way in
0:09:19 > 0:09:22by shoulder-barging. The door wasn't open,
0:09:22 > 0:09:26but he was, er... he was trying to break the jamb.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- So, this was at night?- Yes.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Is your bed right by your front door?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34No, it's not. My bed is in my bedroom.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36LAUGHTER Classic.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Yeah. I thought, "That's the last place they'll look."
0:09:39 > 0:09:42You thought, "Somebody's shoulder- barging the front door down"...
0:09:42 > 0:09:46I was woken up by, thunk, thunk, on the door,
0:09:46 > 0:09:50and I was just thinking, "What... What do I do?"
0:09:50 > 0:09:53So he was barging away. Ba-room! Ba-room!
0:09:53 > 0:09:56And you were snuffling away at the other side of the door.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58- Yeah.- And then what?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- He paused, did he? - He paused, and then he went away.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- I think it weirded him out. - Why didn't you do a scary dog?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09It sounded like a hamster.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- A very big hamster. - That's scary, actually.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- That's actually very scary. - Don't you have a burglar alarm?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- I never set a burglar alarm. - Not on national television.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Not on television.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23OK. What are you going to say? Truth or lie?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- What do you think, Chris? - I think it's so daft,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29and he's so daft, and it's such a ridiculous vision.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32I think it's almost certainly true.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- I'm the yin to your yang, Chris. - Are you really?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I'm saying it's a lie. A big fat one.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Ooh... I want you to override me again, David.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I... LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- Sorry. If I do that again, it won't be special.- OK.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51I just don't think a burglar would try to shoulder-barge the front door.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55I think a murderer might try and shoulder-barge the front door.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- So, therefore your answer is... - A lie.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Lie. OK. Er, Xander, was that the truth or was it in fact a lie?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Well, I'm sorry to tell you it is, in fact, a lie.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Oh! He nearly got us there.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Yes, it's a lie.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Xander didn't prevent a burglar from breaking into his house
0:11:13 > 0:11:16by barking like two different dogs. Of course it's a lie.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18When burglars break into Xander's property,
0:11:18 > 0:11:22they still have to walk up the path, swim the moat and slay the dragon
0:11:22 > 0:11:25before getting to the front drawbridge.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- LAUGHTER - So, at the end of that round,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31David's team are in the lead by two points to nil.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Our next round is called This Is My...
0:11:35 > 0:11:37where we bring on a mystery guest
0:11:37 > 0:11:40who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44This week David's team will claim to have the genuine connection,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50So, please welcome this week's special guest, Syd.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52CHEERING / APPLAUSE
0:11:55 > 0:12:00So, Chris Tarrant, what is Syd to you?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02This is my dentist, Syd,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05and I had to drive her to A&E
0:12:05 > 0:12:09after biting her finger during a check-up.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- LAUGHTER - Right. Mel,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13could you explain how you know Syd?
0:12:13 > 0:12:18This is Syd. We once posed as members of an orchestra
0:12:18 > 0:12:22to gain backstage access to meet our idol.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Finally, David, what is your relationship with Syd?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Um, this is Syd. Last year - LEE LAUGHS
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Sorry. I just... There's something about you.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I don't think you know any women or anyone called Syd.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- In which case you'll be saying that it's a lie.- Correct.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- This is Syd.- Lie!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42LAUGHTER
0:12:42 > 0:12:47This is Syd. Last year she rescued me
0:12:47 > 0:12:51when a seaside donkey went haywire with...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53LAUGHTER ..with me on its back.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Can I just say, I retract my earlier comment. True.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- LAUGHTER - So, there we have it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Chris's disgruntled dentist, Mel's orchestral imposter
0:13:04 > 0:13:06or David's seaside saviour. Where do you want to start?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Let's start with Chris. What was she doing
0:13:09 > 0:13:12that made you bite down so hard? LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:19She's actually a very accomplished dentist.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Her real name is Sydney, Sydney Matthews.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25She is the junior partner in a company called Matthews & Priddy
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- in Weybridge in Surrey. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- Sorry. Her real name is Sydney? - Sydney!
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- Girl's name, Sydney.- Now somebody's shouted it really loudly in Welsh,
0:13:34 > 0:13:36it's quite clear.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- LAUGHTER - So, sorry, Chris. Say it again.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42I fixed up to go and have a temporary crown taken out
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- and put the proper one in.- Oh, yeah?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Coronation, was it?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- No.- You're getting above yourself, Tarrant!
0:13:49 > 0:13:52So she starts doing this little bit of drilling,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55and you've got so much in your mouth, I'm going...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- HE MUMBLES - "It really hurts!"
0:13:57 > 0:13:59"I want some anaesthetic!" She said, "What?"
0:13:59 > 0:14:02In fact I bit her two fingers really quite badly. "Argh!"
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- And she is pouring blood. - And has Syd treated you since?
0:14:06 > 0:14:10No. She's due to in three months, so I'm trying to be quite nice to her.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Right. Do you want to move on to another suspect?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15OK. David, what did it do, the donkey?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18It ran suddenly in one direction with me on its back.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21No! Where were you? I bet he says Blackpool.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24No. I was on the beach. It was in Norfolk.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Which beach? I know Norfolk quite well.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Which beach in Norfolk was it? - Oh, damn!
0:14:29 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:35It was, er, Great Yarmouth.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- When was this? - It's about... It was last year.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Do they let adults ride donkeys? - Good question. Ask him.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Yes, they do. They do. They did. I got on the donkey. It went haywire.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- Hang on.- Are you saying I'm a liar?
0:14:47 > 0:14:52The donkey went haywire, and Syd rescued me!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- LAUGHTER - But what scared the donkey?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- Yeah. I could answer that. - What scared...
0:14:57 > 0:14:59LAUGHTER
0:14:59 > 0:15:01You haven't explained why you were on the donkey.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04When I look at you, I don't think "donkey".
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- Thank you.- I think Mel does.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11The aim was... LAUGHTER
0:15:14 > 0:15:18One child of some friends of mine wanted to have a donkey ride,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21and then was a bit nervous of the donkey ride,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24and I said, well, I'd have a donkey ride
0:15:24 > 0:15:27to sort of demonstrate that it was, you know, fine and safe and...
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- Oh, so it was a disaster, then? - It was a disaster.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33It was an absolute disaster. It was a very sad day.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- Did you have to pay for the ride? - Er, I think so, yeah.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Do you remember roughly what that was?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I think roughly about a thousand pounds.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44LAUGHTER Might have been less.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Certainly not a million. Not a million pounds.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50It wasn't, like, 4p.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52David, how did Syd rescue you?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55She had a geographical advantage on the donkey,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58because I don't think I'm being rude to Syd
0:15:58 > 0:16:04to say she probably couldn't have matched this crazed beast for speed.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07She was over where the donkey was headed,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09sort of near there, and was able to intercept
0:16:09 > 0:16:13and grab the bit of string that's attached to a donkey's face.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16THEY LAUGH
0:16:16 > 0:16:20It's like having Zara Phillips with us, isn't it? It really is.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24You have literally never seen a donkey in your life, have you?
0:16:25 > 0:16:30- Right. What about Mel, then? - Just remind us again of your story.
0:16:30 > 0:16:36This is Syd, and we once posed as members of an orchestra...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Yeah?- Mm-hm.- ..to meet our idol.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Who is the idol, just for fun?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- Lesley Judd, the, um... - LAUGHTER
0:16:45 > 0:16:48..the, er, ex-Blue Peter presenter.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51You don't need to tell me who Lesley Judd is.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55So, does Lesley Judd also play in an orchestra?
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- Not that I know of. - What was she doing there, then?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- She was hosting the event. - Where was it?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05It was in Oxford Town Hall.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- And you were how old?- 16.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11You say you posed as orchestra members.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13How? Did you go and buy an instrument?
0:17:13 > 0:17:17We borrowed from a friend, funnily enough, a cello case.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19That's all you'd need. Cos one of you gets in it.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- Yeah.- So, hang on.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26When you were 16... Lesley Judd, as we know, was a Blue Peter presenter
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- back in the glorious heyday - - The fab four.- Exactly.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- Noakes, Purves, Singleton, Judd. - When grown-ups used to...- Yeah.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- When grown-ups used to host Blue Peter.- Yeah.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Great times. - ROB LAUGHS
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- Did it work?- We got past security.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I'm not sure about this security business, to be honest.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Imagine a meeting at Oxford Town Hall. "Who we got on this week?"
0:17:49 > 0:17:51"Lesley Judd is hosting an orchestra."
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- "We're going to need some security." - LAUGHTER
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Did she sign anything for you? - She did, yep.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I had a Blue Peter annual.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- I think Lesley was in circus gear on the front.- I've got that one.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- LAUGHTER - All right.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09We need an answer, so what are you going to say?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- I think it's Chris.- You think Chris?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Cos Syd, more importantly,
0:18:14 > 0:18:19looks like she could be a very good dentist.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I have to disagree. If we're going by looks alone,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25I'd say she's more likely to have manhandled a donkey.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27LAUGHTER
0:18:28 > 0:18:31We can't just go by looks, can we?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I think she looks like a really lovely friend of Mel's.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- We need an answer, so... Alex thinks it's Chris.- Chris.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Are you sticking with that? - I'm sticking 100 percent.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Lee, presumably you think me. LAUGHTER
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Despite my real gut reaction that it's David,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- I would say... - LAUGHTER
0:18:50 > 0:18:53..of the two,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- we will go with Mel.- Argh!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Or will we go with Chris?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Split the difference. Me!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06APPLAUSE
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- We'll say Mel.- You're saying Mel.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15OK. So, Syd, would you like to reveal your true identity?
0:19:15 > 0:19:19My name is Syd, and Mel and I posed as members of an orchestra
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- in order to meet our idol. - CHEERING / APPLAUSE
0:19:23 > 0:19:28Yes, Syd and Mel did once pose as members of an orchestra
0:19:28 > 0:19:31in order to get backstage and meet Lesley Judd.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Thank you very much, Syd. APPLAUSE
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42in which our panellists lie through their teeth and against the clock.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44We will start with... BUZZER
0:19:44 > 0:19:46It's Lee.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50"I can always remember all my ex-girlfriends' names
0:19:50 > 0:19:52and the order in which I went out with them,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55because their initials happen to make the acronym...
0:19:55 > 0:19:57BERMUDA."
0:19:57 > 0:19:59LAUGHTER
0:19:59 > 0:20:02OK. Off we go.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04BERMUDA.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- B!- What?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- B.- B?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Please give me the names of all your ex-girlfriends
0:20:13 > 0:20:17that make the acronym BERMUDA, as quickly as possible, please.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19OK. Brenda...
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Brenda!- Brenda!- Superb.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Brenda is still as popular a name as ever.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- E.- Ethel.- Sorry?
0:20:27 > 0:20:31I'm helping you. What's the next one? Is it Ethel?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- It's not Ethel.- Enid. - It's not Enid. Have another guess.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36LAUGHTER
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- Erin.- Sorry?- Erin.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Erin?- Erin!- OK.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- Um, how do you spell Bermuda? - LAUGHTER
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- R. - I know. I was joking, you...
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- LAUGHTER - Sorry. Er, R?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51That was... Oh, R.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Rasputin.- That was actually Regine.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- Sorry?- Reggie?- Regine!
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- Regime, as in "regime change"? - No, no, no.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Next? Next up after Regine?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06..Regine was the lovely Molly. Molly, Molly, Molly!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I could tell you a thing or two about Molly,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- but this isn't the time. - Next one!- What about U?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Uriah.- This was the weird one. - They're all a bit weird.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Not actually her name, right, but my nickname for her - Una.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- What was her real name?- Sally.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24LAUGHTER Why did you call Sally Una?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Because Una Stubbs played Aunt Sally in Worzel Gummidge.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Oh!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Oh, that's very good. That's very good.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Yes, he's good.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37D, Dave. Experimental year.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40LAUGHTER
0:21:40 > 0:21:43If you've forgotten it, I'll never forgive you!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45HE LAUGHS
0:21:45 > 0:21:48APPLAUSE
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Happy days, Dave. Happy days.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Dave. The D... That's what you're saying?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- The D is Dave?- Of course I'm not.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- OK.- Delia.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Not THE Delia!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04And, may I say, not my mother, who was called Delia. True story.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- Definitely not her.- But that's why it popped into your head now
0:22:08 > 0:22:10as you were making it up!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12And A?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Was Alex. - SHE GASPS
0:22:15 > 0:22:18That certainly is a serendipitous series.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20If Sally wasn't serendipitous,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23I wouldn't have been able to do that with her.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- What was the M again? - What?- The M again?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- Molly.- And the E?- Was... What?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- And the E?- The E...
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- I'll tell you exactly what the E was.- The E was...
0:22:34 > 0:22:37It was, in fact... I'll tell you exactly.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- Erin!- U...
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- And I loved her.- U?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Er... Una. Sally.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Real name Sally. Come on, Lee. You know this. The D?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Give me a D!- The D was...
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- Mummy! Deirdre! Delia! - LAUGHTER
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- The E?- Give me an E! Erin!
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- The B?- Give me a B!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04That was a long time ago. Be fair! Brenda.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- And the R? - And the R was Reg-... Regine.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- Regine!- Little Regine.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- Is that a name? - It's a name, isn't it?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- Tell me it's a name. - LAUGHTER
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Regine's a name! Anything's a name, isn't it?
0:23:17 > 0:23:22I went out with a girl called Cupboard for three weeks.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26And where did Cupboard come in the BERMUDA list?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Oh, she was before I invented the acronym system.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Sorry? It was a system? It didn't happen by accident?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35You were seeking out people beginning with these letters.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38What was it about the island of Bermuda that you wanted -
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Some of my ex-girlfriends went missing.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44LAUGHTER / APPLAUSE
0:23:47 > 0:23:49What do you think, David? What does your team think?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- I think it's a lie.- Would he go out with somebody called Brenda?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55What do you mean? Yes. She was Miss World, right?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58She said, "I really like you." I said, "And I really like you."
0:23:58 > 0:24:01"What's your name?" "Brenda." "Forget it."
0:24:01 > 0:24:03So, what's it going to be, David?
0:24:03 > 0:24:07I mean, I think it's preposterous because it's preposterous.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Yes. I think it's a lie. I think it's a lie.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13You're saying it's a lie. OK. Um, Lee?
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- Were you telling the truth or a lie? - Of course I was telling a lie!
0:24:17 > 0:24:21- Oh, yes! Well done. Brilliant. - Well done.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- APPLAUSE - Yes, it's a lie.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28Lee's ex-girlfriends do not form an acronym that spells Bermuda,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31although they have formed a support group.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- Next... - BUZZER
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- It's Alex.- Oh.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40"I can tell if someone is a good dancer
0:24:40 > 0:24:42just by the way they smile."
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- David's team.- Alex, look at me.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- Turn your head a little bit. - LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- And now this way. - Now do it whilst you're dancing.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57LAUGHTER
0:24:57 > 0:24:59No.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Yeah, well, it's true, then.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- But why?- What is it about the...
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Because people who are good at dancing -
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Will you stop doing that? I find it a bit disturbing, David.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- It's a bit "light entertainment" for you, dude.- Really?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18LAUGHTER
0:25:19 > 0:25:22What is it? What do you look for?
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Well, people who are good at dancing will look naturally smug.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29What... What are you saying?
0:25:29 > 0:25:33- Now, you're putting on a smug face. - No, he's not.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35LAUGHTER
0:25:35 > 0:25:39And people who are good at dancing have shorter teeth than you.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- LAUGHTER - It's just something about dancers.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46They seem to be a little bit underdeveloped in the tooth area.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Are they making up for their short teeth by learning to dance?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52I don't know, but it seems to be a pattern.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55That's what I've found, doing extensive research.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- I'll go round you all now. Open up. - LAUGHTER
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You could be all right.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Oh, that's a backhanded compliment!
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Nice short-toothed person!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- You want mine?- Go on.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12LAUGHTER
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Rob?- Rob, he's got quite long teeth.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- No. - LAUGHTER
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Rob, you get up there and prove her wrong!
0:26:29 > 0:26:33AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
0:26:33 > 0:26:36ROB SINGS TUNE TO "STAYING ALIVE"
0:26:36 > 0:26:38# Staying alive, staying alive...
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- What a mover! - CHEERING
0:26:49 > 0:26:51I just want to say, Rob, I've got a lot of respect
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- for your commitment to the show. - Yeah.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56I mean, I'm no Bruno or Len -
0:26:56 > 0:27:00- HE IMITATES HER ACCENT - Hasn't she got a stupid voice?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02LAUGHTER
0:27:02 > 0:27:07What is... Does anyone know how large Fred Astaire's teeth are?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- Small.- Didn't have any. Just gums.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- He had little tiny little... - Like that?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# I'm putting on my top hat
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# Tying up my white tie...
0:27:17 > 0:27:19HE CONTINUES, INDISTINCT
0:27:19 > 0:27:22So, what are you going to say, David?
0:27:22 > 0:27:26- Mel, do you think it's true? - I think it's the sort of claim
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- that Ms Jones would make. - It's not scientifically proven.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- Oh, you don't say! - LAUGHTER
0:27:33 > 0:27:37I think it's... It is the sort of thing she'd believe in.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- She's claimed it. She's not saying - - Do you think it's the truth?
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- Yeah. I think we think it's true. - You think it's true?
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Alex Jones, was it the truth, or were you telling a lie?
0:27:48 > 0:27:53- Don't be so ridiculous. It's a lie! - Oh, no!
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- Oh!- Very good!
0:27:56 > 0:28:01Yes, it was a lie. Alex can't tell if someone is a good dancer
0:28:01 > 0:28:03- by the way they smile. - BUZZER
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Oh, that noise signals time's up. It's the end of the show.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10I can reveal that David's team has won by three points to two.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13CHEERING / APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:18But it's not just a team game,
0:28:18 > 0:28:22and my individual Liar Of The Week this week is Alex Jones!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25CHEERING / APPLAUSE
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Well done, Alex!
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Beautiful, intelligent, a gorgeous Welsh accent
0:28:32 > 0:28:34and eyes you could drown in. That's what she said to me,
0:28:34 > 0:28:38and I'm starting to think she didn't mean any of it. Good night!
0:28:38 > 0:28:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:42 > 0:28:46E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:46 > 0:28:46.