0:00:26 > 0:00:29Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie to You?,
0:00:29 > 0:00:33the show where fibs and fancies are the order of the day.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36And on Lee Mack's team tonight, the Springwatch TV presenter
0:00:36 > 0:00:39who when she was younger, worked on a crocodile farm.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41It's where she first got her love of animals...
0:00:41 > 0:00:43and shoes and handbags.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Kate Humble.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:53And in the hit sitcom Rev, he plays the lovable,
0:00:53 > 0:00:57slightly odd, bookish nerd Nigel, and he's such a consummate actor,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01he started getting into character 32 years ago.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02It's Miles Jupp.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:09On David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11an actor who stars in The Indian Doctor,
0:01:11 > 0:01:14a show all about the first ever Indian doctor in Wales.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16I'm not sure what part he plays,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I just hope his Welsh accent's up to it. Sanjeev Bhaskar.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:27And it really is, it really is no exaggeration to say we have had
0:01:27 > 0:01:31hundreds of letters saying, "You've got to get this guy on the show."
0:01:31 > 0:01:34All from Judy, who just wants one night to herself. Richard Madeley.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:39 > 0:01:40And so we begin with Round One.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43It's Home Truths, where our panellists each read out
0:01:43 > 0:01:47a statement from the card in front of them. To make things harder,
0:01:47 > 0:01:48they've never seen the card before,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51so they have no idea what they'll be faced with. It's up to the opposing team
0:01:51 > 0:01:55to sort the fact from the fiction and Richard, you are first up.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00One Christmas morning,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I woke up stark naked in our shoe cupboard,
0:02:02 > 0:02:07clutching nothing but two cans of fake snow.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Lee Mack, what do you make of that?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- So, yeah, what year was this? - About 1993.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19OK, and can you talk us through how this happened?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I, uh, went to bed very drunk on Christmas Eve,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25actually, it was Christmas morning by then, about two in the morning,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28and I woke up again in the cupboard under the stairs,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32totally naked, with two,
0:02:32 > 0:02:36as I realised when I picked them up, empty artificial snow spray cans in
0:02:36 > 0:02:40each hand and the light was on and my face was in the Wellington boots.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42What had you gone in there for?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I'd gone in to put the snow cans back
0:02:45 > 0:02:47after what I then realised I'd done with them.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50What had you done with them?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Two weeks earlier, we'd bought our family Christmas tree
0:02:53 > 0:02:55and Judy and Chloe, my daughter, decided it wouldn't be
0:02:55 > 0:02:59a good idea to put artificial snow on it and Jack, my son, and I, thought it would.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00And we had a massive row
0:03:00 > 0:03:03and of course the ladies won, so the spray was hidden
0:03:03 > 0:03:08- at the back of the cupboard, but I saw where Judy hid it. - But you did this naked, presumably.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I did it in my sleep.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Can I just stop you there?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14No-one's listening now, we're all just thinking,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16"Ah, Richard Madeley sleeps naked."
0:03:16 > 0:03:18LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:21And, uh, and clearly, I mean, I can only suppose what happened,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I'd gone downstairs in my sleep, taken the cans out,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27covered the tree with fake foam, gone back in the thing and then woken up.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- You'd done the whole tree. - The whole tree.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Was it a good job?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34It was terrible, it covered the lights, it covered the baubles,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37it was like a great big Mr Whippy.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41I'm intrigued by this cupboard under the stairs, Richard.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Someone with your income would, by 1993 even,
0:03:43 > 0:03:48during your, let's call it heyday, would have had...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:51 > 0:03:54..I do think you would have had it converted into a, into a,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56a downstairs, uh, facility.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Is that your view of opulence?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01That any sort of space under stairs
0:04:01 > 0:04:03must be fitted for immediate...egestion?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Any sort of unused space anywhere.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Any money at all, there's something about the combination of
0:04:08 > 0:04:12wealth, career success and a little cubby hole that just says "poo".
0:04:13 > 0:04:16What did Judy and Chloe have to say about this in the morning?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Christmas morning dawned
0:04:18 > 0:04:22and I went down with Judy and there it was, looking awful and I just went,
0:04:22 > 0:04:26"Jack, we told you not to do that and you went and..."
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Kept it up for about a minute and then confessed.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- So you woke up at two in the morning.- I didn't wake up.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- I was sleep spraying, if you like. - Then you went into...
0:04:34 > 0:04:36That has horrid connotations.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Please. Think of the children!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- We've all done it. - So you did the spraying...
0:04:43 > 0:04:48What's your first conscious memory? Waking up in the cupboard or waking up in the bed?
0:04:48 > 0:04:49No, waking up in the cupboard.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- Do you always sleep naked?- Yes. - Always?- Yeah.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55How does Judy feel about, about that?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Well, so does she.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Blimey. Is it me, or is it getting hot in here?
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Sorry, hang on, hang on, hang on.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06No, no, no, give me a minute.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Hands up, who sleeps naked?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18David, keep your hands down.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21It's got to be 40%.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I mean, obviously, I go to bed dressed as Scrooge.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26So what are you thinking, Lee?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I definitely think it's plausible. What do you think, Kate?
0:05:29 > 0:05:30What concerns me
0:05:30 > 0:05:33is the gap between the waking up at two o'clock in the morning
0:05:33 > 0:05:37and going to bed and not sort of
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- doing anything about the tree. - Just leaving it.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Just leaving it.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- Miles?- I think it is true. - You do?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45So what are you going to say?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48OK, split decision, we will go with, I will go with Miles
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- and say that's true.- It's true?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Richard Madeley, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I have to tell you guys, you've made a terrible start for us.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59It's true.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Well done.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Yes, it's true.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07One Christmas morning, Richard did wake up stark naked
0:06:07 > 0:06:11in his shoe cupboard, clutching nothing but two cans of fake snow.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Judy was quite pleased when she came across Richard sitting there
0:06:15 > 0:06:19stark naked, as it reminded her to put the turkey in the oven.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Miles, you're next.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Every time I shower,
0:06:28 > 0:06:32I must adhere to my strict system for drying myself.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33OK, quick as you can,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35what's the system for drying yourself?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Well, I always use a towel...
0:06:38 > 0:06:41You weird eccentric.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Well, actually, I don't start with a towel, I use,
0:06:44 > 0:06:48I sort of brush water off this arm, I do that 20 times.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50With your hand?
0:06:50 > 0:06:55- With my hand.- Yeah. - And then 20 times that one.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Do you dry yourself between your legs with your hands?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07No, I don't, Richard.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Is it like an OCD thing,
0:07:08 > 0:07:12where it is 20, or is it roughly 20?
0:07:12 > 0:07:16- It can be multiples of 20. - You're not serious?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Yes, like 20 of those, one, two,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12...
0:07:21 > 0:07:25- We know what 20 is.- Yeah, yeah. Um, and then the same on the other, and then 30 in the hair.
0:07:25 > 0:07:2730 in the hair?
0:07:27 > 0:07:31And then I think, I'd better move on to the towel phase.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I've done the arm and head thing, it's towel time.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36And when, when did you start doing this?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Within the last, uh, two years.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40When you reach for the towel, are there any other oddities
0:07:40 > 0:07:43or do you basically then proceed in what
0:07:43 > 0:07:46we would refer to as a conventional drying manner?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Well, I get the towel and I do 50 on the top of the head,
0:07:50 > 0:07:54and then, this is quite a new development, actually, probably within the last...
0:07:54 > 0:07:57The whole thing is quite a new development.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00You clearly had some sort of breakdown a couple of years ago.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03So now it's 50 on top and 50 behind,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06whereas it just used to be 50 on top.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10What was it about your drying policy before this point, two or three years ago,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12that you considered inadequate?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I was getting through a lot of towels.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19How much moisture do you hold?!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I am unbelievably absorbent.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26One could wring me out like a sponge, I really...
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Have you tried that? Because that might be a more efficient way of...
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I don't see what it is about this system
0:08:31 > 0:08:34that is hard to believe or understand.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- I don't like it... - Oh, no, don't do it.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44If this turns out to be true, it's going to be a tense evening.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Have you ever washed your car by hand rather than going through the drive-through?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53No, never.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Never? You are the most middle-class man I have ever met.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59You've never washed your own car?
0:08:59 > 0:09:03I've been to the, you know, the roly one.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05That's not the same, Miles. Getting the coin
0:09:05 > 0:09:09and putting it in the slot does not constitute manual labour.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I've only had a car for three years.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Did the purchase of the car coincide with the new shower policy?
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Having seen the car go through the "roly thing" that you don't know the name of,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23even though the name pretty much creates itself...
0:09:25 > 0:09:30Did you think "I am going to create my own domestic version of this with my hands"?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Do you have a little sign when you go into the bathroom
0:09:36 > 0:09:40that says "Stop" once you get there? Do you edge forward waiting...
0:09:40 > 0:09:46Stop! And you've got to do it quickly because you know that it's
0:09:46 > 0:09:50going to go "Peep-peep!" and you've got to get out again.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- David, it's time to take a guess. - What do you think?
0:09:53 > 0:09:58It's truly horrible, but I want, I want it to be true and I,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01and I'm an optimist in life, so I'll say it's true.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I can't, I can't go with that. I mean, if it is true,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06then it's really disturbing and frightening,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09and all those other things that you scare your kids with.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12My instinct is that it's a lie.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13OK, you're saying it's a lie.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18Well, Miles, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20It is true.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31Yes, almost unbelievably, it's true.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Every times Miles showers,
0:10:32 > 0:10:37he must adhere to his strict system for drying himself.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Kate, you're next.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Every time I have a haircut, I ask to keep the hair,
0:10:45 > 0:10:46which I then take to London
0:10:46 > 0:10:50and scatter for the pigeons to make nests with.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56There we are. All right, David, what do you think?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59What is it that makes you think the pigeons of London are short of...
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- Hair.- ..stuff?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Yeah, hair, I mean, there's just a lot of
0:11:03 > 0:11:05nest making stuff in London, surely.
0:11:05 > 0:11:11Actually, there isn't that much, there has been this big drive to keep London tidy.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14And Kate do you, do you believe,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16do you believe that pigeons prefer blondes?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18No, but I think they do like curls.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19How do you know that?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Well, you know, I've... when I scatter it, I then just
0:11:22 > 0:11:27sort of stand back, make sure it's appreciated and, and you know...
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Because it immediately gets snapped up!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Amazingly.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34So if somebody else is feeding them some bread, they go, "Oh!"
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Who wants a bit of old Hovis?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39How much of your hair do you get cut for the curl to be included?
0:11:39 > 0:11:43About an inch and a half. I don't have it cut very often.
0:11:43 > 0:11:49Where in London do you go to to distribute your clippings?
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Can I ask you a question, David, have you ever met a woman before?
0:11:56 > 0:12:01I really hope that's the kind of thing you say to random strangers.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04It's not a thing I've ever said before,
0:12:04 > 0:12:08but you can't say it isn't pertinent to the circumstances.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Do you secretly hope
0:12:12 > 0:12:17that one day, a very clever pigeon would make a tiny little wig?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19If he did, what might he sound like, Richard?
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Because I've been told that you do a very good pi...
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Oh, he's doing it now!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27IMITATES PIGEON CALL
0:12:27 > 0:12:30That's a wood pigeon, isn't it?
0:12:30 > 0:12:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:35 > 0:12:37And for the aficionados of bird land amongst you,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40not to be confused with the ringed dove.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44IMITATES DOVE CALL
0:12:46 > 0:12:49And also, not to be confused with the parrot.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Pretty Polly! Pretty Polly!
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- Very good.- This programme is getting more and more like The One Show.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Well, actually I did want to ask Miles a question,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11if you don't mind, Miles, if you were to do what she does,
0:13:11 > 0:13:15would you wash the cuttings and hand dry them before you put them...?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20If I were to collect Kate Humble's hair,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23and then get on a bus? No, I'd just, I'd go to the hairdressers
0:13:23 > 0:13:25and say, "Have you cut Kate Humble's hair?"
0:13:27 > 0:13:32- With that voice? - "Well, put it in a bag for me!"
0:13:32 > 0:13:35And then I'd catch a bus and I'd go straight to the top deck
0:13:35 > 0:13:37and tell everyone exactly what I had in my bag.
0:13:39 > 0:13:44"Who watches Springwatch? Got her hair in my bag.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48"It's not for me, it's for the pigeons."
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Um, what do you think, David?
0:13:52 > 0:13:56I think more of Kate than this. I have a higher opinion of her than this.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I think a lot of her, I mean it's... Oh, sorry, in that sense, yeah.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I think she's telling us a lie.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I think, yeah, I think we all think it's a lie.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08You think it's a lie, pretty unanimous. OK, Kate, fact or fiction?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12It's a lie.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16I really hoped that was true.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Yes, it was a lie - every time Kate has a haircut,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22she doesn't take the hair cuttings to London to scatter to
0:14:22 > 0:14:24the pigeons for them to make nests with.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Our next round is called This Is My,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to
0:14:29 > 0:14:33one of our panellists. This week, each of Lee's team will claim
0:14:33 > 0:14:35it's them that has the connection to the guest,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41So please, welcome this week's special guest, John.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:47 > 0:14:53Right, Miles, first of all, what is John to you?
0:14:53 > 0:14:58Er, John and I were paid to fight together in a supermarket,
0:14:58 > 0:15:00dressed as...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03..dressed as gladiators.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- Kate, how do you know John? - This is John,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10and, er, when I was in Africa,
0:15:10 > 0:15:14he and I dressed up in a pantomime giraffe costume
0:15:14 > 0:15:19in order to get close-up shots of giraffes in the wild.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- Lee, what's your relationship with John?- This is John.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Despite being total strangers, we were once forced
0:15:25 > 0:15:29to share a bed when we were double booked into the same hotel room.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32David, where do you want to start?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Um, well, maybe with Kate,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37because what I'm reluctant to believe
0:15:37 > 0:15:41is that the best way of lulling giraffes
0:15:41 > 0:15:43into a false sense of security
0:15:43 > 0:15:47is to try and disguise yourself as a giraffe,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49because I reckon they'd...
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I mean a giraffe, it takes one to know one.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55He thought that if we dressed up as a giraffe
0:15:55 > 0:16:01then he could put a camera on a kind of periscope thing up the neck
0:16:01 > 0:16:03of the giraffe and get that evening shot
0:16:03 > 0:16:07of the giraffes against the sunset.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Now, you said, very astutely,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12that it takes a giraffe to know a giraffe.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16If we did this in daylight, it would have failed completely
0:16:16 > 0:16:20because giraffes have extremely good day vision, but their night vision
0:16:20 > 0:16:23isn't very good and that's why we decided to try it.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Why is it then necessary to disguise as a giraffe at all?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Why not just take a stepladder?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33They are not completely blind,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36they're just not necessarily going to worry too much
0:16:36 > 0:16:39about whether you're made out of polyester or real fur.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Could you just show us how you did this?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44How it worked? Would you like me to do that with John?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Lee will be the perfect partner for this.- Lee, OK, Lee, if you come...
0:16:47 > 0:16:50He has the look of the wild about him.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Kate's going to demonstrate the whole giraffe doppelganger
0:16:54 > 0:16:55with you, Lee.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59So you are in the front, OK? You need to stand about there,
0:16:59 > 0:17:01and, um, actually, could you three stand up
0:17:01 > 0:17:04and all just be giraffes in the wild with the sun behind you?
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Do you ever get the feeling she's mocking us?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12OK, so you've got this big giraffe costume on
0:17:12 > 0:17:14and it's got a kind of pole up the back of its spine.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16You have got a camera
0:17:16 > 0:17:19on a pole poking out of the mouth of the giraffe, right towards them.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- OK?- Right.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I am behind you...
0:17:24 > 0:17:26LAUGHTER
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Kate, Kate at what point do you say, action?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I've got the laptop here, so I'm checking the focus
0:17:35 > 0:17:37and saying to John,
0:17:37 > 0:17:42"OK, you're nicely framed up, that's looking lovely."
0:17:42 > 0:17:44By the way, I'm a meerkat.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Excellent. You're doing a very good job.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50APPLAUSE
0:17:53 > 0:17:56All right, I think that's made it a lot clearer.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Let's say a big thank you to our giraffes.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01APPLAUSE
0:18:01 > 0:18:05But most of all, a big round of applause for our meerkat.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Right. Who would you like to question next?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Er, yes, Miles, you had to dress up as a...
0:18:12 > 0:18:13A gladiator.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16A gladiator? As in a Roman gladiator?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Or as in from the TV show Gladiators?
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- A Roman gladiator.- So, sort of sword and sandals?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Yeah, and breastplates.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29What sort of a gladiator were you?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31We each had a sword and shield and we did battle.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35- And this was in a supermarket?- Yes.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Were you employed or was this just...?
0:18:38 > 0:18:43A distraction technique so someone else could steal biscuits and cakes!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48We were promoting a range of foods.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Fresh lion meat, you know, the usual!
0:18:53 > 0:18:58We were promoting, er, a range of foods -
0:18:58 > 0:19:01the Viva Italia delicatessen range, I don't know if you remember
0:19:01 > 0:19:03when Safeway rolled that out, er...
0:19:05 > 0:19:09But we would have this fight and then one of us would die,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11er, or be beaten, be vanquished,
0:19:11 > 0:19:15and the other one would say, "Oh, how did you get the strength to beat me?"
0:19:15 > 0:19:18And you'd say, "From aisle 7, where..."
0:19:18 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:25"..Where I've been... Where I've been
0:19:25 > 0:19:30"feasting on the Viva Italia delicatessen range."
0:19:30 > 0:19:31What about Lee?
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Lee, remind us, what is your link to John, I've forgotten.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Er, this is John and we were once
0:19:37 > 0:19:40forced to share a hotel room together,
0:19:40 > 0:19:44or share a bed in a hotel room, because we'd been double booked.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47OK. Um, so where was the hotel, Lee?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49The hotel was in Scotland.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52OK, and any... Do you want to be more specific than that?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54OK, it was right in Scotland.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56LAUGHTER
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Be more specific.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01More specific?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04We, it was... Isle of Skye.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09OK! Oh, yeah, fine, I believe you. What were you doing?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I was, er, at a wedding.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Yeah, when was this wedding?
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Nine years ago.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18You came back from the wedding, so it was late.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21So, I came back from the wedding. Got to the hotel.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I'd had a bit too much to drink. So I go to reception. I say, "Hello, I'm..."
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Well, I didn't have to say.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Nine years ago? Yes, you bloody did!
0:20:31 > 0:20:35So she leans round, she gives me the key, I go upstairs, no lift.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37She doesn't in any way go,
0:20:37 > 0:20:40"By the way, there is a large man already in this room?"
0:20:40 > 0:20:43No, obviously she wasn't aware of the mix-up,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45otherwise she would have stopped me, wouldn't she,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48as I walked off. She didn't go...
0:20:48 > 0:20:49"What?"
0:20:49 > 0:20:51"Nothing. Nothing, you'll see!"
0:20:51 > 0:20:56So what happened, you... You were given the key by reception
0:20:56 > 0:20:59and then opened the door and he was in there?
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Correct.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04At which point you said...?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05I was a bit drunk
0:21:05 > 0:21:09so I just assumed that there'd been a mix-up. Wrong key, I was in the wrong room,
0:21:09 > 0:21:11so I went, "Oh, sorry," and he went...
0:21:11 > 0:21:13HE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:21:13 > 0:21:14He said what?
0:21:14 > 0:21:15HE MUMBLES
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Don't mock him, wait till he opens his mouth in a minute.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22"Come on, who are you?" and he goes...
0:21:22 > 0:21:25HE MUMBLES
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Then you go back down to reception?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32I go back down. I said "You've given me the wrong key."
0:21:32 > 0:21:36So then she said, "Sorry, there's been a mix-up."
0:21:36 > 0:21:38There's been a mix-up...
0:21:38 > 0:21:42"You're going to have to go back in there."
0:21:42 > 0:21:45He was in the wrong room but he'd checked in earlier on so it wasn't her mistake,
0:21:45 > 0:21:47it was a mistake earlier on by somebody else.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52- Why didn't you investigate the possibility of sharing with the person in the other room?- Oh, yeah.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55What I did was, I went round all the rooms and I went...
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"I don't think so, do you?"
0:22:01 > 0:22:05"It's your lucky night, soldier!"
0:22:05 > 0:22:08When you realised, when the two of you realised that you were going
0:22:08 > 0:22:09to have to share a bed together,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11did you have a kind of negotiation?
0:22:11 > 0:22:15I have never been to bed with anyone where negotiations have been involved.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16That's not completely true.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24No, what I mean is, did you say, for example, "I like to sleep on this side of the bed,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26"I'm happiest on the right hand side?"
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Before we even got to that point,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31we both tried to not sleep in the same bed. I didn't just go,
0:22:31 > 0:22:32"What the hell are you doing?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35"I'm going to sleep on the left and you can sleep on the right."
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Right, so we need an answer, what do you think?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43I really don't know! Whatever we say, if we get it wrong
0:22:43 > 0:22:46we'll look like we've believed something ridiculous!
0:22:46 > 0:22:50I don't believe that the best way of photographing
0:22:50 > 0:22:54giraffes at sunset is to disguise yourself as a giraffe.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I don't... I don't... Just, two actors,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58fighting in a supermarket,
0:22:58 > 0:23:03but why, if you're pushing a range of sort of Italian delicatessen foods,
0:23:03 > 0:23:07are you going to imply that they give you gladiatorial strength?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Strength to kill somebody.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13That's what people are looking for in a nice bit of pastrami -
0:23:13 > 0:23:15"But will it give me the strength to murder?"
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Also, don't you think
0:23:18 > 0:23:23John looks like the kind of bloke you'd bump into at a Scottish wedding?
0:23:23 > 0:23:27I know it sounds weird, but I kind of believe Kate's version more.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30You think Lee, I think Lee, but what if it's Miles then?
0:23:30 > 0:23:34That's awful if it's Miles! We're going to say Lee.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36You're going to say Lee.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39The wedding, the bed, the night together?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Yes!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44So, John, would you please reveal your true identity.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48I'm John and I was once paid to fight Miles in a supermarket.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51APPLAUSE
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Yeah. John and Miles were paid to fight each other in a supermarket
0:24:01 > 0:24:02while dressed as gladiators.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04This is a horrible, stupid game!
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Thank you very much, John, thank you.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10APPLAUSE
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Which brings us to our final round - Quickfire Lies,
0:24:13 > 0:24:17in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth, but against the clock.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20We will start with...
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Uh, David.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27I like pens.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32- I know this! It's true. - I like pens.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36And I... And I like to know where my pens are.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41For this reason, I have a three point pen policy.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- What's your three point pen policy? - Er, well, point one,
0:24:46 > 0:24:50I find it important to know where my pens are at any time.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Um, for example...
0:24:53 > 0:24:55That...that covers all three, doesn't it?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57No, no, no, no.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00LAUGHTER
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- Point two.- Yeah?
0:25:02 > 0:25:07Is to, um, is to be hyper-aware of any pen that I've lent out.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11And point three
0:25:11 > 0:25:13is to take any opportunity
0:25:13 > 0:25:19within the bounds of a reasonable interpretation of the law,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23to purloin or otherwise obtain pens.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Name three people who have currently got pens of yours that you want back?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32There are no people who have pens of mine.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33A key part of point two
0:25:33 > 0:25:37is to get a pen back as soon as possible.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39When people say, "Oh, can I borrow you pen?",
0:25:39 > 0:25:44what I want to say is "Absolutely NOT,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46"get your own pen, this is mine!"
0:25:48 > 0:25:52However, as part of a scheme I'm working on to try and seem,
0:25:52 > 0:25:57normal would be an exaggeration, but, you know, at least
0:25:57 > 0:26:00acceptable in broader society, I try not to say that, I try and seem
0:26:00 > 0:26:02casual about it, "Oh, yeah, borrow my pen, that's fine,"
0:26:02 > 0:26:07and then I'm thinking about it constantly until it is returned.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11The pen that you've got with you, sorry, is that your own pen, or is that a BBC pen?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- This is now my pen. - Pass me the pen.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17- I'd rather not.- But you have to! You have to pass me it. I will give it you back...
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I will promise to give you the pen back within five minutes.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- All right.- I'll... Let's meet halfway.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26It'll be the first time we've made physical contact in five years.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31Right, put the pen on the floor and step away.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- Step away from the pen. - You're going to destroy the pen, aren't you?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I'm not going to destroy the pen, you've got such a cynical mind.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39He's going to destroy it.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I'm not going to destroy the pen, that would be infantile.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- So this is a pen you got from the BBC today?- Yeah.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47If I take this pen and say I'm keeping this pen,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50what will you do to get the pen back off me?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52I will not fight you.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55So what are you thinking, Lee?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57It didn't seem much of a system, did it?
0:26:57 > 0:27:01You ask me to have the pen back, I'm going to say no and he's going to leave it at that.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:27:05 > 0:27:09I'm so sorry.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11It is fair to say we have created drama.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15You had explicitly reassured him,
0:27:15 > 0:27:19in front of witnesses, that you would not break the pen.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20I didn't believe him.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22That is correct, that is true.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I didn't believe him. I knew he'd break the pen.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26That pen, I'm afraid to say,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29and I hope this doesn't make me sound heartless,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32when I put that pen down there, it was dead to me.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Right, Lee, which way are you going? Is he telling the truth or a lie?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44I bet you love pens, I bet you're pretty crazy about pens
0:27:44 > 0:27:46but you do not have a three point system.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48I think he might.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52OK, Lee, take a guess, truth or lie?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- We'll say it's a lie. - You say it's a lie.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58David Mitchell - the truth or a lie?
0:27:58 > 0:27:59It is in fact...true.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10Yes, it's true, David does have a three point pen policy,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12- so he knows where they are. - BUZZER
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Oh, that noise signals that time is up and it's the end of the show,
0:28:15 > 0:28:19and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by three points to two.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:25 > 0:28:28But it's not just a team game,
0:28:28 > 0:28:33and my individual liar of the week this week is Miles Jupp.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Yes, Miles Jupp, he has the face of a choirboy
0:28:40 > 0:28:44and the morals of a choirmaster. Good night.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd