0:00:18 > 0:00:22APPLAUSE
0:00:22 > 0:00:23Ha-ha!
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie to You?,
0:00:29 > 0:00:33the show with tremendous truths and humungous lies.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34On David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:34 > 0:00:38a man whose TV show is called Richard Bacon's Beer And Pizza Club.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Not only is it good fun, but if it comes on TV
0:00:41 > 0:00:44more than five minutes late, you get free garlic bread. It's Richard Bacon.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:52And, erm, the man who gave us Touch The Truck, Pets Win Prizes
0:00:52 > 0:00:56and Hole In The Wall, yet still no BAFTA, it's Dale Winton.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:03And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a TV presenter who's
0:01:03 > 0:01:06so immersed in the culture of horse racing,
0:01:06 > 0:01:08when she buys a new pair of shoes,
0:01:08 > 0:01:12it's all she can do to stop herself nailing them on.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- It's Clare Balding. - APPLAUSE
0:01:15 > 0:01:19And a comedian and star of the very realistic
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Call The Midwife. I didn't watch it myself,
0:01:22 > 0:01:26I just stayed the other side of the screen and offered encouragement.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30- It's Miranda Hart. - APPLAUSE
0:01:30 > 0:01:34And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them
0:01:37 > 0:01:41and to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43So they've got no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Dale is first up tonight. - OK.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55As a child, rather than sleeping with a comfort blanket
0:01:55 > 0:01:58or teddy bear, I slept with a potato.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00LAUGHTER
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Lee Mack, what do you think?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Was it the same potato or did you
0:02:06 > 0:02:09have different potatoes over the years?
0:02:09 > 0:02:13That was the problem because you get attached to a potato
0:02:13 > 0:02:17so when you get attached to a potato, it's rotting a bit
0:02:17 > 0:02:19but it's your comfort, it's like you...
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Your teddy bear smells of your old teddy bear or whatever it happens to be.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26The potato was my favourite potato and I used to draw on it.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28So it was one potato the whole time?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30The actual truth is, it was taken away from me
0:02:30 > 0:02:33and I cried and I cried and I cried but they threw it out
0:02:33 > 0:02:37so it took me another three or four weeks to get used to the new potato.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Dale, did they have names, your potatoes?
0:02:40 > 0:02:41No.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44You slept with a potato that you didn't even know its name.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- Well...- You slag!
0:02:46 > 0:02:51Did you hug them, did you have them close to your face?
0:02:51 > 0:02:55I used to put it on the pillow, like that, and I used to bash it.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56- What?- What?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Why did you bash it? Is that how you show love, Dale?
0:03:03 > 0:03:04What's the bashing?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Well, I used to, I used to like the dent it made in the pillow.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Oh, you'd bash it onto the pillow and then you'd sleep?
0:03:09 > 0:03:13So, then I'd take it out. "That's where you're going to bed later."
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Be honest, Dale, is the truth of this story that your parents
0:03:16 > 0:03:18would shout through the door, "What are you doing in there?"
0:03:18 > 0:03:22You'd say, "Nothing, just bashing the potato."
0:03:22 > 0:03:24You haven't asked me why I stopped,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27and this is why you'll realise...
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Oh, Dale, why did you stop?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Because Mrs Marks, who was our next door neighbour,
0:03:31 > 0:03:35I heard her talking to my mother in the driveway and I heard
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Mrs Marks say to my mother, "Is he still sleeping with a potato?"
0:03:40 > 0:03:43I think that they'd been talking about it and she probably said to
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Mrs Marks, "Did any of your children ever want to sleep with a potato?"
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- So what are you thinking, Lee? - Miranda.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I sort of want it to be true.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Because he's so sweet.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00I do think the two winning things are "That's where you're going to sleep," and Mrs Marks.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01D'you know what?
0:04:01 > 0:04:07I think Mrs Marks exists and I like Mrs Marks, I like what
0:04:07 > 0:04:09she represents, she represents the sanity of the street.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Whereas the Wintons, they're all over the shop.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15So what are you gonna say, Lee? What's it gonna be?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- You think it's true?- I do think it's true.- I think it's true.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I'll go with my team and say that it's true.
0:04:19 > 0:04:25You're saying it's true, OK. Dale Winton, the potato, in the bed,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I have slept with many things over the years cos I'm a very old man,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33but I have never slept with a potato - it's a lie.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36That's very good.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Yes, it was a very convincing lie.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46As a child, Dale didn't sleep with a potato.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Richard, you're next.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52OK, when I worked in McDonalds, my long-term girlfriend joined
0:04:52 > 0:04:58the queue to my till and when she got to the counter, she dumped me.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Lee, Lee, Lee.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02How old were you?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- I was 18, I think I was 18. - OK, so you're 18 years old.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09How long did you consider a long-term girlfriend to be
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- when you were 18.- Well, she was actually my first girlfriend.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Her name was, presumably is, Kate.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20She could have died. I mean, I don't know.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Yeah, look on the bright side!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Kay dumped you, was she special?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26She was, she was.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- It's a "Special K" joke, I'm not explaining them all.- Very good.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Can I mention Special K, or do I have to mention Crunchy Nut Cornflakes?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Well, I think when it comes to breakfast cereals,
0:05:35 > 0:05:39there is one that stands head and shoulders above all the rest.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44So how long was long term?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Two years. But when you're 18, that's a long-term relationship.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Can you remember what she said to you?
0:05:49 > 0:05:50I can't, Miranda, no, but...
0:05:50 > 0:05:53what made it doubly heartbreaking was I, I loved that job and...
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- What?- You didn't get the sack, did you?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Well, no, but I was very... I loved the job and then she came in
0:05:59 > 0:06:01and broke my heart at this place that meant so much to me
0:06:01 > 0:06:03and that added to the emotional impact of what she said.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06What was it about the job that you loved so much?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Let me tell you a fact about this place.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09This is amazing, right?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12The regular meat which is the meat that
0:06:12 > 0:06:14goes in their signature burger...
0:06:14 > 0:06:19it goes from frozen to fully cooked in 44 seconds.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I found this amazing.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Fascinating. I wonder why she dumped you?
0:06:30 > 0:06:31I think we should get back to the girl.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35She got to the front of the queue, she dumped me there and then.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39I left my station, didn't serve the other customers and then I went
0:06:39 > 0:06:44to the store room and I sat on a box of gherkins and I cried my eyes out.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Oh, that's gherkins for you, though.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Kay put in her order.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- She puts in her order and says I would like...- Kate.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- Oh, Kate. - Oh, that changes everything..
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- What's her name?- Kate.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00The Special K joke doesn't work. I didn't want to say anything.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- Kate.- Kate.- I thought it deserved a bigger laugh.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06I wondered why the hell you said it!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11You're always trying to work it round to Crunchy Nut. Leave him alone.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Why don't...? Richard, you be young Richard, OK,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20at the counter of this fast-food outlet.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23David. You are a normal customer.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Dale is Kate.
0:07:27 > 0:07:33Could I please have a, a, a Filet-O-Fish but with no cheese?
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Hold the cheese, and put the cheese on the chips, please.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Excuse me, sorry, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me...
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Where are the toilets?
0:07:43 > 0:07:47They're just, they're actually just next to my till, actually,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49the door's just about there.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I'll...see you later, Kate.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Oh, gosh, it's my girlfriend, Kate. Hello, Kate.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Well, I thought I'd come in and see you tonight.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- I haven't heard... - LAUGHTER
0:08:08 > 0:08:11What's funny about that?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Oh, it's Meryl Streep in The Iron Lady.
0:08:18 > 0:08:25I'm afraid, Richard, it's over. You're just not my kind of guy.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26SHE MIMICS EASTENDERS THEME
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Aw, beautiful. So, what are you thinking, Lee?
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Does this sound credible to you?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I'm suddenly going truth, I think
0:08:36 > 0:08:38he was dumped in a queue at said burger joint.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43I find it staggering that he remembers all the facts that he
0:08:43 > 0:08:46remembers about how long it takes meat to defrost and yet he cannot
0:08:46 > 0:08:49remember what she actually said when she got to the front of the queue.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- But is he...? - The answer to that is, he's a man.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56So, Lee, what's it going to be, truth or lie?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- You're saying lie, Clare? - I am.- Miranda says true.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- Yeah.- Go on, we'll go with Miranda and say it's true.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02You're saying it's true.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06OK. Richard Bacon, was that the truth or was it a lie?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09That story...is...
0:09:09 > 0:09:12true. AUDIENCE GASPS
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Well done, well done, well done. - DAVID: Thank you for sharing.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Yes, it's true. When Richard worked in a fast-food restaurant,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23his long-term girlfriend joined the queue to his till
0:09:23 > 0:09:26and dumped him when she got to the counter, and then,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29to rub salt in the wound, she ordered a Happy Meal.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31LAUGHTER
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:09:34 > 0:09:36who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:09:40 > 0:09:42that has the genuine connection to the guest,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49So please welcome this week's special guests, Robert and Will.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52APPLAUSE
0:09:57 > 0:10:00So, Clare, what are Robert and Will to you?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02This is Robert and Will. They do my garden
0:10:02 > 0:10:04and to avoid the embarrassment of me
0:10:04 > 0:10:07ever getting them mixed up, I call them both Barry.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11OK. Lee, how do you know Robert and Will?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13This is Robert and Will. I once used them
0:10:13 > 0:10:16to convince an audience I could teleport people.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20And finally, Miranda, your relationship with Robert and Will?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22This is Robert and Will.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26I was a judge at the Identical Twins Of The Year award
0:10:26 > 0:10:32and they came third, but we had to disqualify them
0:10:32 > 0:10:35because it turns out they were two of triplets.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Wow, there we have it.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42So, Clare's green-fingered Barrys, Lee's teleporting twosome,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44or Miranda's cheating triplets.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47David, where, where do you begin?
0:10:47 > 0:10:52Explain the rationale behind the Identical Twins Of The Year awards.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57Well, I have to say, when I was asked to come along and judge,
0:10:57 > 0:11:01I was a little confused but I think there's a sort of magazine or
0:11:01 > 0:11:04trade magazine or it's part... or there was some...
0:11:04 > 0:11:08A trade magazine? What's the trade?
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- Twins! - The...the marketing of twins?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- Twins. - Yeah, I've heard of that.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I've actually heard of the competition.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18There is a competition to do with twins.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19What do they do in the competition?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23There's the physical lookalike thing, how much they look alike.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Right.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29And then they also do kind of games, like Mr & Mrs type games
0:11:29 > 0:11:32so it's a personality thing, as well.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Did they win, or...?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35No, they came third. But they were disqualified.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- Why? Oh, cos of the triplets thing? - Yeah.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40And we did see a third. I didn't see it,
0:11:40 > 0:11:42but apparently there is a third one.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44So the third triplet turned up to this event?
0:11:44 > 0:11:48- Yes!- That's not exactly Moscow rules, is it?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52The third one was picking them up to take them home.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- And was seen.- Clare.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Robert and Will are your gardeners, and you call them both Barry.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Mm-hmm.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Isn't that a bit of a sort of an affront to their individuality?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07No, because the first time I did it, I said,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10"Would you like a cup of tea, Barry, love?"
0:12:10 > 0:12:12As soon as you say "love", they're fine with it,
0:12:12 > 0:12:16they just smiled, had a cup of tea and they were fine, and do you know,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18when sound engineers work a lot on outside broadcasts, they
0:12:18 > 0:12:22all call each other Percy, they all call each other Perce, and so they
0:12:22 > 0:12:25call me Perce as well and I call them Perce, and I called them Barry.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- Yeah.- Why?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Because they can't remember everyone's name.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- Are you sure they're not trying to mug you?- Purse!
0:12:34 > 0:12:37RICHARD: Those nails are very clean for gardeners.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Well, I hope they've had a bath before they've come.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45But they are pristine, beautiful, soft hands.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I'm not coming on to you!
0:12:48 > 0:12:53- Richard, if you want to go and have a look, you can.- Thank you.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- I'd love to.- You can't touch, but you can look.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- Would you like a look, Dale? - Not particularly.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- Really?- Oh, go on, then!
0:13:01 > 0:13:05I'm now not as attracted to these hands as I was!
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- There's dirt under the nails. - Don't touch, Dale.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Could you turn them over?
0:13:10 > 0:13:15DAVID: I feel I should have a look, as well.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18It'd look unconscientious.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19This here...
0:13:22 > 0:13:24That could be the remnants of soil.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28They're not very big, so...
0:13:28 > 0:13:30You know what your gardener's hands look like?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I'm like everyone else here, apparently, I don't have a gardener.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36You'd probably expect I'd have about nine.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39What did you think of what you saw, Richard?
0:13:39 > 0:13:40How did the hands rate for you?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43That's actually thrown me a little.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I regret going over there, to be honest.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- Did they look like...? - Well, from this distance,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50they were beautiful, pristine, manicured hands.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Close up, there's dirt under the nails.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55LEE: I hope these poor fellas are gardeners!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58They're not, by the way!
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Erm, Lee?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Yes?
0:14:09 > 0:14:13You're going to bother going through this one, are you?!
0:14:13 > 0:14:17What was this particular show? You were trying to pretend
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- that you were able to teleport people?- Correct.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- Was it a stage show or TV show? - Was it a stage show or TV show?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26That's funny, are you an interpreter of Dale?!
0:14:26 > 0:14:30I thought you'd said it. I'd missed it so asked my captain.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Sorry, what's your friend saying, David?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Was it a stage show or a TV show?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38OK, it was a stage show.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40And where was it on?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43It was on at the Hackney Empire.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44And when was it on?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46It was on in the mid-'90s.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48And what was it called?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50It was a new act competition for new people and I thought
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I'll do a magic trick cos it'll impress everyone.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Yeah, to make up for the comedy.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01What did you say at the end? "I'm sorry, everyone, but I CAN teleport."
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Talk me through the act. What did you do?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- Magic Circle, love, Magic Circle. - Right.- Can't tell you anything.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10He's going to tell us...
0:15:10 > 0:15:12So, what's the illusion we're supposed to be seeing?
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- I'm not going to tell you how I did it.- It's the Magic Circle!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19You're not going to say you made it look as if you teleported!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Oh, I see. Yeah, very wise!
0:15:22 > 0:15:26I'm not giving away my secrets on television!
0:15:26 > 0:15:27So, go on, Lee, what did you do?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30You're there on the stage, the audience are enrapt.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32I come on and I bring someone out the audience,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35and then I put them in a box at one side of the stage,
0:15:35 > 0:15:37or in a cupboard actually, I put them in a cupboard,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39- and then I do a bit of the showbiz magic...- Yeah.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Said a few words... Can't remember now, might have been "Alakazam".
0:15:42 > 0:15:46And then I opened up a box
0:15:46 > 0:15:49and out comes the first person who's gone in out the other...
0:15:49 > 0:15:54Well, it looks like that, but he was already in the box.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58And he sits down and the audience give me a big round of applause, so that's actually quite good.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- He goes and sits down in the seat. - So you've done the teleport thing, then what?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Straight into the levitation, I'm not an idiot.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Actually, as a technique for a magic trick
0:16:08 > 0:16:12to try and make it look as though someone's magicked across the room,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- it's clever to use identical twins. - DALE:- Do you still do it in the act?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Hey, don't tell me, tell the judges that night.- How did you do?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Awful, came third, turns out I was a triplet.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Right, we need an answer, so David's team,
0:16:26 > 0:16:30are Robert and Will Clare's green-fingered Barrys,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Lee's teleporting twosome, or Miranda's cheating triplets?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35What do you think, Dale?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I think it's Lee, I think he's telling the truth.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- OK. Richard, what about you? - I don't believe Lee.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43They had a bit of soil on their hands. I think they're gardeners.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44David, what about you?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48I don't think Lee did a random magic trick
0:16:48 > 0:16:52at the beginning of his try-out spot at the Hackney Empire in 1995.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Maybe he did, but I just don't believe it.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57So I think I agree with Richard.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- I think it's Clare. I think it's... - You think it's Clare?- Yeah.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02OK, here we go.
0:17:02 > 0:17:07Robert and Will, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:17:07 > 0:17:13- I'm Robert.- I'm Will, and Lee tried to convince an audience that he could teleport.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Yes. Lee used Robert and Will to convince an audience
0:17:23 > 0:17:26he could teleport someone. Thank you very much, Robert and Will.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37We start with...
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Lee.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Possession.- Right, there's a box under the desk, Lee.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Now, I'd like you to take the item out of the box
0:17:46 > 0:17:50and hold the object, then read the card out, please.
0:17:50 > 0:17:55This is my dibber. I donated it to the British Lawnmower Museum
0:17:55 > 0:17:57where it is now a permanent exhibit.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- Right, David.- What is a dibber?
0:18:01 > 0:18:05What's a dibber? A dibber... That's a good question, David.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09And would you believe me if I was to say I don't know?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12But it's a... It's a...
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- Yes, I would.- I'll mime it for you!
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Could be any of these.- OK, yeah.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30It's to do with gardening.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34So what does your dibber do?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- Pardon?- What does your dibber do?
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Are you... Are you Fred Flintstone?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Answer the question! What does your dibber do?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I'm not 100% sure, but at a guess,
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I would say the dibber is for pushing holes in the ground,
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- and then maybe popping something in there like a seed.- I see.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59How did your dibber come to be in the British Lawnmower Museum?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I'll tell you, Inspector Morse.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Have you ever been to Southport, my home town?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- Er, I have, yes.- Oh, great!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Can I start again?
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- Yes.- Right, I have never been to the British Lawnmower...
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- I was online, I was online! - But it is in Southport?
0:19:20 > 0:19:24It is in Southport, that's true, and I did see it online.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26What did you put into Google that that came up?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Well, you don't want to know that!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32But I noticed on the website there was a bit that said,
0:19:32 > 0:19:36"The tools of the rich and famous." "Famous tools" is what I typed in.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38There is actually...
0:19:38 > 0:19:43I do know for a fact that there is a British Lawnmower Museum,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46because I have donated a trowel.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- You haven't! I- have, honestly, Rob. I donated a trowel.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50What IS this museum?!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55But surely they want a lawnmower?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- So you saw the Lawnmower Museum online.- Online.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- With a list of celebrity artefacts. - There was quite a few.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Brian May from Queen had given a lawnmower.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Joe Pasquale had given a strimmer.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09So what happened then?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I thought it'd be nice to do cos it's my home town.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Sorry, you saw that and you thought, "I want a piece of that."
0:20:15 > 0:20:18I want a piece of the action. Prince Charles, he gave something.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- This is where the story falls apart. - No, that's not where it's falling apart!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24But what is asked to donate to...?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I wanted to donate something and thought it'd be nice
0:20:27 > 0:20:29to have something of mine, cos it's my home town.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31So you picked up the phone...
0:20:31 > 0:20:35- I picked up... You're still doubting my abilities, aren't you David? - HE SCREAMS
0:20:35 > 0:20:38It is not your ability to make a phone call...
0:20:38 > 0:20:40"There's a man in the phone!"
0:20:40 > 0:20:45Are you seriously saying that the fact that you could
0:20:45 > 0:20:48have physically made this phone call means I should believe that you did?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I picked up the phone.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52You say, "I could have made the call. I'm physically capable.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Therefore, it happened, David, end of story."
0:20:54 > 0:20:57I phoned them up, I said, "I'd like to donate something,"
0:20:57 > 0:21:00they said, "What have you got?" I said, "Dibber."
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- You knew its name? - Well, actually, I...yes.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- You knew its name but didn't know what it was for? - That's actually not true.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- So what did you say?- I took advice before the phone call.- From whom?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- From who?- From whom?- I'm not doing it if you put an M at the end.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- All right, from who?- Thank you.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Who's putting the M at the end, know what I mean?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- No-one any more, no-one! - Who did you take advice from?!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I shall tell you.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24You found a thing in the shed, didn't know you owned it,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27you didn't know what it was, who did you ask about it?
0:21:27 > 0:21:28You want to know from who?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I want to... I want to know who you asked about that object
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- in order to find out what it was called.- I shall tell you.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Well, please!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- David Tennant, or as I call him, Dr Whom.- You asked...?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- You asked Dr Whom?- Dr Whom.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- Who did you ask?- Tom Baker.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51There are seven billion humans on Earth.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Please, let's not eliminate them one by one.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Er, I asked my wife.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02So David, what do you think? Is Lee telling the truth or is he lying?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- Dale?- I don't believe a word of it.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09If it is true, it's one of the best acting performances I've ever seen.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Thank you, if it's true.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- You think it's true? - No, I do not. No, it's a lie.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- OK, what are going to say?- We think it's a lie.- You think it's a lie?
0:22:15 > 0:22:20OK. Lee, truth or lie?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22It is in fact...
0:22:22 > 0:22:25true.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Not only is it true, but how exciting is this?
0:22:34 > 0:22:35We've got a picture.
0:22:35 > 0:22:41There it is, in situ, at the British Lawnmower Museum.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Yes, incredible, isn't it, eh? Just a simple tool...
0:22:45 > 0:22:50who donated his dibber to the British Lawnmower museum. Next.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53It's Miranda.
0:22:53 > 0:23:00I once embarrassed myself in front of the local vicar at Christmas.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- Is that it?!- Vague, isn't it?
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- Is that all we're getting? - Well, no, we can get more.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12- What happened? - Well, er, it was Christmas,
0:23:12 > 0:23:16and the vicar had to come round to my aunt and uncle's
0:23:16 > 0:23:19where I was having Christmas.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Sort of drinks, I think.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26I went to sit next to him and sat sort of...
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- and sat on the edge of a sofa.- Mm.
0:23:30 > 0:23:37And as I sort of sat back like that, I broke enormous wind.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38And did he say anything?
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- He sort of... - AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:23:42 > 0:23:44LAUGHTER
0:23:44 > 0:23:46He's here!
0:23:47 > 0:23:54No, I don't think he did, which is what made it so funny for me.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Why did you go over to sit next to the vicar to start with?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Because I think my sister was there, and I thought,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03"Oh, no, she's been lumbered with the vicar,"
0:24:03 > 0:24:07and I thought, "Oh, she might need some conversational help."
0:24:07 > 0:24:11- Brilliant!- Yeah. - Which I sort of provided!
0:24:11 > 0:24:15What direction was the vicar at this point?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I don't know if he was down or upwind, but he was involved.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22You saw his hair move?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24I think, actually, what I did was...
0:24:24 > 0:24:26That is a great image, isn't it?
0:24:29 > 0:24:33I think I burst out laughing and did one of those laugh-spits.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Laugh-spits?! So having farted at the man, you then spat on him?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- You know when you go... - SHE MIMICS FART NOISE
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- So, it was like... - REPEATS NOISE TWICE
0:24:44 > 0:24:48- So, what do you think, David? What are you going to say?- Hmm.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Miranda, the way you told the story, I couldn't work out... You had lots of pauses.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Was that for effect or were you thinking it up?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56And I think, probably, you were making it up as you went along,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58so I think it's probably a lie.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Hmm, Dale, what do you think?
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Miranda is one of those fabulous people in the world who's uninhibited with...
0:25:03 > 0:25:07- Am I right? You're kind of like, "Oh, what the heck, I don't care!" - My face is a mask.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09So, you think it's true, you think it's a lie.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- Yeah.- I'll say I think it's true. - You think it's true?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15OK, Miranda, true or lie?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17It is actually...
0:25:17 > 0:25:19true.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22APPLAUSE
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Yes, it's true.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Miranda did embarrass herself in front of the local vicar. Next.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Oh, it's me.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37When I'm in a play, as part of my nightly vocal warm-up,
0:25:37 > 0:25:43I perform sets of scales in the voice of a chimpanzee.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- Will you give us a quick rendition? - Of course.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49- HE MIMICS A CHIMPANZEE - Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- HIGH-PITCHED - Ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59You just go through the scales as a chimpanzee.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Is it just for plays, cos I've been next to you in a dressing room for a gig
0:26:04 > 0:26:06and I didn't hear chimpanzees?
0:26:06 > 0:26:07I used to do a singing tape of...
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- IN STYLE OF A VOCAL WARM-UP - # Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. #
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- And then... That was lovely. - It was lovely!
0:26:12 > 0:26:16# La-la-la-la-la-la-la
0:26:16 > 0:26:19# La-la-la-la. #
0:26:19 > 0:26:23That really is lovely. Don't blow your nose!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Rob, where did you get this from?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Was it another celebrity that gave you the idea?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31No, no, it was one night I was doing it and the other actor said,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34when I started going, "Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,"
0:26:34 > 0:26:37he says, "Just relax." "Ooh-ooh-ooh." He said, "You sound like a chimpanzee."
0:26:37 > 0:26:40So then I went, "Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh."
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I found it really opened up the diaphragm and actually worked.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Can you go the other way? Can you go from high notes down?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47That's what Dale was asking me earlier!
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Is he angry, Lee, is he angry?
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Well, it's hard to tell what colour his face is, but can you go...?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Can you go from the high note down?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- INCREASINGLY LOW-PITCHED - Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00- Oh, excellent!- That is good.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Who was the actor who said you look like a chimpanzee?
0:27:03 > 0:27:08- Miranda, you know very well he didn't say I LOOKED like a chimpanzee.- Sorry!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10You won't trip me up like that. It was Kenneth Branagh.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14- Kenneth Branagh gave you this idea? - He did, he did!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Yeah, laugh it up, Balding.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I know your reaction was to laugh!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21The reaction was, "How preposterous."
0:27:21 > 0:27:24The man with the breakfast cereal would be in a play
0:27:24 > 0:27:26with Kenneth Branagh, yet it was true.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28So what are you thinking?
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- IN A DEEP VOICE - Mitchell, Winton, Bacon.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- I think it's true. - You think it's true?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- Do you think it's true? - Oh, absolutely, he does it so well.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- I think it would sort of help. - What about you?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- IN A DEEP VOICE - Balding, Mack, Hart.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Sounds like a series of illnesses, that!
0:27:46 > 0:27:49"I'm afraid you've got Balding-Mack-Hart."
0:27:49 > 0:27:51- What are you going to say? - I think he's probably lying.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53You're saying true...
0:27:53 > 0:27:57I imagine you and Branagh having a right old hoot doing that together.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00- I'm going to go with Clare. - You're going to say lie?- Yeah.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02- You're saying true? - ALL: True.- It is in fact...
0:28:02 > 0:28:04a lie.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06APPLAUSE
0:28:09 > 0:28:15It's a lie. When I'm in a play, I don't perform sets of scales in the voice of a chimpanzee.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18- BUZZER SOUNDS - That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
0:28:18 > 0:28:23I can reveal that Lee's team have won by 4-2.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25APPLAUSE
0:28:25 > 0:28:27But of course it's not just a team game
0:28:27 > 0:28:33and my individual Liar Of The Week this week is Dale Winton.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Yes, Dale Winton, a man who lies so much,
0:28:40 > 0:28:44I don't know how his wife and three children put up with it! Good night.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48CHEERING
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd