0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:31Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,
0:00:31 > 0:00:34the show teeming with tall tales, and tantalising truths.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38On David Mitchell's team tonight - a comedian who once starred
0:00:38 > 0:00:41in a programme to find the world's most dangerous road.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Turns out it's the one between Snappy Snaps and George Michael's house,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46it's Rhod Gilbert!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:53And a comedy actress currently on our screens in Miranda
0:00:53 > 0:00:56who also co-created Smack The Pony,
0:00:56 > 0:00:58a sketch show that received critical acclaim,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Emmy awards and a stern letter from the RSPCA.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02It's Sally Phillips.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:12And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a showbiz legend whose TV show
0:01:12 > 0:01:15once drew an audience of 15 million people.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Admittedly, there were only two channels and no remote control -
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Des O'Connor!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:27And a lady who co-stars with Bruce Forsyth on Strictly Come Dancing,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29but she's here tonight in her own right,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32so there'll be no more mention of Brucie.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35It's nice to see her, to see her nice, Tess Daly!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:40 > 0:01:43And so to Round 1, Home Truths,
0:01:43 > 0:01:47where our panellists each read out a statement. To make things harder, they've never seen
0:01:47 > 0:01:49the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with,
0:01:49 > 0:01:53and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Des, you're first up tonight.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59LAUGHTER
0:01:59 > 0:02:03For three days running, I accidentally ate cat food for dinner.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05LAUGHTER
0:02:05 > 0:02:06David's team.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Right, um.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER
0:02:10 > 0:02:13So how did this happen?
0:02:13 > 0:02:14It was an accident.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21But it happened for three days, so we're looking at nine meals.
0:02:21 > 0:02:26No, I didn't eat every meal, but I ate on one of the meals
0:02:26 > 0:02:30one a lunch time, one a snack and one a dinner.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32But not necessarily in that order.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35And I'm assuming you thought the cat food was something else?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Why would you assume that?
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Because otherwise, Des, it's not an accident.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Was it wet or dry cat food?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I'm not a cat, I don't know.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52But as a, you know,
0:02:52 > 0:02:56a highly evolved mammal, you do know the difference between wet and dry.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00It depends what we're talking about.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Des, have you, have you got a cat?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03No.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07I would point...
0:03:07 > 0:03:11There's a chink in this, isn't there, there's a little chink in this.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I would point out that this didn't happen at home, obviously.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- Where did it happen?- Abroad.
0:03:16 > 0:03:21I was abroad in a foreign country.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Which foreign country? - Which foreign country?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I don't know, I didn't see their flag.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32How did you eventually find out that it was cat food?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I had rented a place. It was in Spain.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39I had rented a villa, and I had to go and do my own shopping.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41And I was walking around and I saw these tins
0:03:41 > 0:03:44with a little fish on the side. I thought, that'll do.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45I don't speak Spanish that well.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50I bought it back and I was opening it, and the lady who was
0:03:50 > 0:03:52doing the house went, "No, no, no, miaow, miaow, miaow."
0:03:52 > 0:03:55LAUGHTER
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- What did you think it was, Des? - I thought it was a kind of fish.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- Like a tuna, perhaps?- Yes.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I'm surprised there wasn't a picture of a cat.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- LEE:- Why would there be a picture of a cat?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12You don't get a picture of a human on a Pot Noodle, do you?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- You always have a picture of a cat on cat food. Even in Spain. - Not always.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- I could give you an example when there wasn't.- When?
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Des, tell him again.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Right, David, what are you going to say? What's your guess?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Is he telling the truth?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I'm beginning to think it's true, I must say. I'm sorry, Des.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34I'm coming round to it.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- David?- I think it's true.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39So, Des, are you telling the truth or telling a lie?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42They all think it's the truth, but...
0:04:42 > 0:04:43it's the truth.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Yes, it's true.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55Des did accidentally eat cat food for dinner for three days running.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58It was his cleaner who first noticed something was wrong.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Namely that Des was licking himself clean in front of the fire
0:05:00 > 0:05:02and going to the toilet in a tray.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Rhod Gilbert, you're next.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10I cannot go on airport travelators. The one and only time I did,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I got so freaked out by how superhumanly fast I was walking
0:05:13 > 0:05:16that I had to be taken to the sick bay to calm down.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Lee, what do you think?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Right, just how fast would you say you were going?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Superhuman was the word I used.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30OK. How fast would you define "superhuman"?
0:05:30 > 0:05:35- Because I've got my own definition. - What's yours?- Ah! I asked you first.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Let's just say it went very fast, and I didn't like it.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40You say you had to be escorted off and taken to the sick bay?
0:05:40 > 0:05:45I wasn't escorted off - I got off the end and sought assistance.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- You felt nauseous? - Yes, that's right, I felt NAUS-eous.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54What's the difference between NAUS-eous and nauseous?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57David, what's the difference?
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Excuse me! You could have asked me!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Excuse me! I'm a human being!
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I'm imagining you'll refer me to David.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08David, what's the difference between nauseous... is it simply pronunciation?
0:06:08 > 0:06:13- I think it's simply pronunciation, Rob.- Thank you, David. As you were.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I'll tell you another thing I don't like - it freaks me out when escalators don't work.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21You know when you go up an escalator, and you're exhausted,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23and your legs are burning and they don't work.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26It's more tiring than the stairs, and when you get to the top,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28you fly off the end like that? That freaks me out.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33That, I don't like that feeling of lack of control.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35The escalator doesn't work, yet you still fly off the top. Why's that?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- I don't think you do fly off the top.- No, you do fly off the top.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41That is your brain telling you a lie.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43No, my brain doesn't tell me anything. Honestly.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Rhod's brain does not tell him anything.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50It's not my brain telling me that I'm flying off the escalator.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52You're saying at the top of a stationary escalator,
0:06:52 > 0:06:56you're in some way thrown off the end of it as if it were moving.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59That's nothing to do with the electrical motor in the escalator
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- that isn't turned on. - I'm not saying it is!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04That's because you're using a certain amount of extra energy
0:07:04 > 0:07:06in order to go up some stairs, and then suddenly it seems,
0:07:06 > 0:07:11well, you'll find that at the top of a normal flight of stairs.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- No, you won't.- Yes, you will!
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Nobody flies off the top of normal stairs!
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Hang on, let's give it a little go. Whoa! You're right, David!
0:07:22 > 0:07:26You're quite right. What are you on about?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29What I'm going to tell you now, Rhod, you may not be ready to hear,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31but the feeling of getting to the top of a normal
0:07:31 > 0:07:35flight of stairs and the feeling of getting to the top
0:07:35 > 0:07:39of an escalator that is not turned on IS the same.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- Rubbish, it's not. It's not.- It is the same.- It's not.- This is madness.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45It's not.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- You started off saying...- I'm not going to discuss it any more.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52I've told you the information, and, at some point, you will accept it.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Rhod, you're on this travelator. - I was.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58And you didn't like the fact you were going so fast.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- Would that be a fair assessment? - That's exactly what I said, so yes.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Why didn't you stop walking, so you weren't going as fast?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09I just don't like the way they... shift along. I just don't like it.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Oh, it's the up-and-down motion!
0:08:11 > 0:08:13There's that little cushioned padding in it.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16You could have walked backwards and then you'd have been
0:08:16 > 0:08:18standing still, if you'd judged the speed right.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Well, I had a plane to catch, David.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- What do you think, Lee?- Tess, what do you think?- I'm trying to read his body language,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27because I'm a woman, and we do intuition very well.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30He's very laid back and he seems very committed.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- He might be telling the truth. - What about you, Des?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- I think he's telling the truth. - Thank you, Des.- I think he might be telling the truth.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39You're saying true?
0:08:39 > 0:08:43- True.- True. Rhod, truth or lie? - It is...
0:08:43 > 0:08:44a lie!
0:08:50 > 0:08:56Yes, it's a lie. Of course, Rhod can use airport travelators.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Our next round is called This Is My...where I bring on
0:08:59 > 0:09:02a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that
0:09:05 > 0:09:07has the genuine connection to the guest,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12So please welcome this week's special guest, Tony!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14APPLAUSE
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Welcome, Tony.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Rhod, what is Tony to you?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26This is Tony.
0:09:26 > 0:09:31And for five years, he was my badminton doubles partner.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Right, Sally, what is your relationship with Tony?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41This is my Uncle Tony, and last year, I had a go on his mobility scooter
0:09:41 > 0:09:45and I drove it into a pond and wrote it off.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Finally, David, how do you know Tony?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52This is Tony, and when I was little, he used to help me
0:09:52 > 0:09:56get to sleep by telling me bedtime stories about the war.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Isn't that lovely? There we are.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03So, Rhod's badminton buddy, Sally's scooterless uncle
0:10:03 > 0:10:05or David's bedtime storyteller?
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Before you start asking, I'm going to bring a chair on for you,
0:10:09 > 0:10:13and you can have a lovely sit down there. There we are. You relax there.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17- Lee?- Sally, does he use the mobility scooter a lot?
0:10:17 > 0:10:21He's had two hip replacements.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23So he can get by without it?
0:10:23 > 0:10:27The fact he walked on fine, he can get by.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31I don't think they're just for old people. I've got a bath with a door.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I think it's nice.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38That was more a DIY mishap, though, wasn't it?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I think it's nice to open the door, step in,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43wait for 19 or 20 minutes while it slowly fills up in the freezing cold.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I think it's lovely.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Why did you take the mobility scooter in the first place?
0:10:49 > 0:10:55Because I was going to play a psychopath in a film,
0:10:55 > 0:10:59a psychopath on mobility scooter, and I said, "Can I have a go?"
0:10:59 > 0:11:01because I can't drive a car.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Sally, how far did you drive before you went into the pond?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08A good distance. I didn't know I had it in reverse.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10So you were very close to the pond?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14It wasn't far from the pond, but it was facing that way,
0:11:14 > 0:11:19and I took it out of park, the wrong way, and went backwards.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Was your uncle with you at the time? - Yes.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25How much instruction did Tony give you before you got on?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Well, he thought, as he said afterwards over tea,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31many, many times, that it was quite self-evident
0:11:31 > 0:11:33how one drove this thing.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37He said all it had was a little gear tiller,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- and he thought even a nincompoop... - TESS:- Backwards and forwards...
0:11:40 > 0:11:46Did he say gear tiller? That's a nautical expression.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50You obviously felt on some subconscious level
0:11:50 > 0:11:51more comfortable at sea.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- Did you buy your Uncle Tony another mobility scooter?- I did.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00How much was that mobility scooter?
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Yes, how much that mobility scooter?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- It was £1,500. - For a brand-new mobility scooter?
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Hang on, is that right, Des?
0:12:15 > 0:12:19- How long ago were they, that you were playing badminton doubles? - That we were doubles partners?- Yes.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26- 10-15 years. - LEE: And when did this end?
0:12:26 > 0:12:27When did this end?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30We had to stop because...I was getting on a bit.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- How did your partnership begin? - Well, we played for the same club.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38What was the club called?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Um...it was in West London.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46West London. You can't remember the name of the club?
0:12:46 > 0:12:51- It was called Old Actonians. - Old Actonians Badminton Club?- Yes.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Did you wear the full gear, short shorts, you know?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56No, I wore a miner's helmet, and he wore a frogman's outfit!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Of course we did, Des!
0:13:01 > 0:13:06- Did you ever win anything, yourself and Tony? - We won a lot, yeah.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08And why did you come about playing together?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11No disrespect, but why didn't you go for someone more of your age?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Because we complemented each other's game.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19When you say, "complemented each other's game", you went, "You're good", "So are you, come on."
0:13:19 > 0:13:24Out of you two badminton players, who would you say was the better?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Tony was a much, much better player than me. Tony played for England.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31ROB LAUGHS
0:13:31 > 0:13:34This started out, "We were just knocking around
0:13:34 > 0:13:38"in a West London club." Now he is the Rafael Nadal of badminton.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42If he played for England and he was so good,
0:13:42 > 0:13:46why is he choosing you to partner him?
0:13:46 > 0:13:50I think it would be fair, and Tony wouldn't mind me saying...
0:13:50 > 0:13:54when I played with him, he would have been probably in his early 70s.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Whoa, whoa! When you were playing with him?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59When I was playing with him, yeah.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04OK. The prime age for badminton. Particularly at international level.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11OK, David. What's your connection with Tony?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- He lived next door when I was little.- And he read bedtime stories?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- He would occasionally babysit for me and my brother. - TESS:- It's feasible.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Made up, or these were his stories from the war?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Not out of a book, but ostensibly true.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Did he ever just shout them through the wall?
0:14:25 > 0:14:32"We were surrounded by Germans. And so, basically..." "I'm trying to get to sleep." "I don't care."
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- How old were you? - I think I would have been...
0:14:36 > 0:14:3923!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I think it was around the time I was five, six, seven.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45It could happen. I had a neighbour who would sing me nursery rhymes and bounce me on his knee.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Am I the only one who had parents? What's going on here?
0:14:50 > 0:14:54I think perhaps what it was, Lee, with you is your parents found it hard to find
0:14:54 > 0:14:59any other adult who was willing to take sole responsibility for you.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Now, let me ask you this,
0:15:03 > 0:15:07would Tony ever come round, not for babysitting,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10but just to tell you some of the stories,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12or would it only happen when he was babysitting?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I think it started when he was babysitting,
0:15:14 > 0:15:19but he'd come round quite a bit anyway.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Oh! You just did an upwards inflection!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25I've never heard you do that before. That's so not like you.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31"Sometimes he would come round, ANYWAY!" What's happened to you?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Look, I'm on national television and I'm getting a bit defensive
0:15:34 > 0:15:37about talking about my abuse-ridden childhood.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38That's all!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Of all the war stories he told you to help you go to sleep,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45what would you say was your favourite?
0:15:45 > 0:15:50The thing I found most interesting was the story Tony told about his mother,
0:15:50 > 0:15:56who, during the war, worked in the library in Oxford.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57This is the interesting one?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02And what she had to do was compile and analyse
0:16:02 > 0:16:06and place photographs of the Japanese coastline.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I tell you what, it's getting better. Carry on.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12This was in preparation for an invasion of Japan.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14And you said, "Thank you..." - as a five-year-old -
0:16:14 > 0:16:15"..that's very interesting."
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Because by the end of the story, I was asleep.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22It's time for an answer, Lee. So, is Tony...?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Sorry, I'm trying to get the idea out of my head
0:16:24 > 0:16:27of passing David's door and hearing a man inside going,
0:16:27 > 0:16:31"Obviously, with the coastal line of Tokyo, it's very hard
0:16:31 > 0:16:35"to determine whether we should have a land invasion or by... Oh, you're asleep.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38"OK. Nighty night!
0:16:38 > 0:16:41"Sleep tight! Don't let the Japanese invade!"
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I think, Rhod we can discount. There were too many flaws.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I agree with you, I think it's one of the other two.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50I've got a horrible feeling that it's David in the middle there.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I know which one David is.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58All right, what about the mobility scooter with Sally?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02- Have you ever taken your driving test?- No, I've never even taken it.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I've never learned to drive.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08You can't emphasise the word "even" if it's the same thing.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11"Have you taking your driving test?" "I've not EVEN taken it."
0:17:12 > 0:17:17So, Lee's team, is Tony Rhod's badminton buddy,
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Sally's scooterless uncle or David's bedtime storyteller?
0:17:21 > 0:17:26- What are you going to say?- It's not Rhod.- Tess, what you going for? - Sally.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- I think David.- And in a weird way, I've now gone back to Rhod.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- I have.- Thank you.- I can see it in his little Welsh eyes.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39In his little devious Welsh eyes.
0:17:39 > 0:17:44Trust me, if there's one thing I know about working on this show, it's little devious Welsh eyes.
0:17:46 > 0:17:51- Rhod or Sally?- It's Sally. - Sally?- Yeah, Sally.- Sally.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Right, Tony, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:17:55 > 0:17:56I'm Tony,
0:17:56 > 0:18:00and Rhod was my badminton partner for five years.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03APPLAUSE
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Yes, Tony was Rob's badminton doubles partner.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- Tony, thank you very much. - Well, thank you.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14APPLAUSE
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth but also against the clock,
0:18:23 > 0:18:24and we start with...
0:18:24 > 0:18:27BUZZER
0:18:27 > 0:18:29It's Lee.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Possession.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36Right, well, in that case, step this way and take the card,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38read the card to us, and when you've done that,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40you can reveal your possession.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46In Thailand, I paid £200 to have my portrait painted by a monkey.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51This is that portrait.
0:18:57 > 0:19:03- David, what do you think? - What colour shirt were you wearing?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08You probably want to ask less what colour shirt I was wearing
0:19:08 > 0:19:10and what colours were available to the monkey at the time.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14You don't particularly remember it being green?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17No, and I don't remember having four green ears either.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21What colours were available to the monkey?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Blue, red, green and its own excrement?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29That's my face!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Can I just say, I was recently at a zoo
0:19:32 > 0:19:35where I was painting with chimps, in the Colwyn Bay mountains
0:19:35 > 0:19:38in North Wales, and I tried to get them to paint stuff,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40and there's no way they'd have done that well.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45I'm not being racist, but that's your Welsh chimp.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- That's all I'm saying. - How big was the chimp?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Well, let me remember now. He was sort of like this.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07I'd say he was about... that big sat down,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10so that plus a couple of chimp's legs.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14I honestly don't think that a monkey... There is a sort of mouth
0:20:14 > 0:20:18on that and there's two blue blobs for eyes - monkeys can't do that.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20You think it's too good is what you're saying.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Yes. I think the resemblance is too strong.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29It's even got your little squinty eyes.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Don't push your luck.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35The things I have to put up with on this show.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- You're wondering why it's like this, OK?- No, a chimp did it...
0:20:38 > 0:20:42It could have been better, but he was a surrealist.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47David, what are you going to say? Is this story true?
0:20:47 > 0:20:48I think it's a lie.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52I think it's an absolutely pointless act to get a monkey to paint
0:20:52 > 0:20:55a picture of you, and I think Lee would also have thought that.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I think Rhod thinks it's a lie, we know that. Sally?
0:20:58 > 0:21:02He looks like a hard man. He wouldn't be easily fooled.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- David, you're saying a lie?- I think we all think it's a lie, yeah.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- Lee?- It feels weird being up here
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- and not being able to press something. Do you mind?- Not at all.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11It is, in fact...
0:21:11 > 0:21:12a lie.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:17 > 0:21:22- Yes, what a surprise. It was a lie.- Of course it's a lie!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25How am I supposed to sell that as the truth?!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Do you know what? I'm glad it's not mine.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35How am I supposed to have a chance?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38If my four-year-old son is watching, erm...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45..thanks for doing it, and I'll fix it and I'll bring it home.
0:21:48 > 0:21:53Tell him I want my 200 quid back and the monkey suit.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Yes, it was, of course, a lie.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Lee didn't pay £200 to have his portrait painted
0:21:58 > 0:22:01by a monkey in Thailand. Why would a dumb, hairy beast
0:22:01 > 0:22:04who spends all day throwing his faeces at the wall
0:22:04 > 0:22:08and scratching his bottom want a portrait from a monkey?
0:22:10 > 0:22:11And next...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15..it's Sally.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Out loud, Sally.
0:22:24 > 0:22:29Because he swims in our local pool, my husband and I play a game
0:22:29 > 0:22:35over text called I've Just Been In The Water With Trevor McDonald.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I'm currently beating him 3-2.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Well, it sounds plausible.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Did I have a couple of blackouts in that sentence?
0:22:43 > 0:22:48I suppose there might be some people watching who aren't aware
0:22:48 > 0:22:50of who Sir Trevor McDonald is.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54He's the esteemed newsreader and journalist. Just in case.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58There could be some young people who don't know who he is.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02So if you go swimming, and Trevor McDonald's in there,
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- you get a point? That's the rules, right?- Yeah.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- Do you live near him? - I do live near him.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10- Do you ever talk to Trevor McDonald? - Not really.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15I made eye contact with him when we were both buying fireworks once.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17You didn't bother playing the game,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19I've Made Eye Contact With Trevor McDonald Over Fireworks?
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- That didn't catch on?- No, because it's important he's in the water.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Sally, who saw him first?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29My husband saw him first, cos I'm quite short-sighted, as you can see.
0:23:29 > 0:23:35- Was he swimming?- Yes, he was swimming and...- And what?
0:23:35 > 0:23:36He wears nose clips.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41Does he? Are you concerned that he's going to watch this programme,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- and this is now going to be awkward? - I am a bit concerned.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46The person who'll be really gutted is my dad.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48He says hello to him in the supermarket.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51He's got his own game going with your mum, has he?
0:23:51 > 0:23:56It all started cos my dad was name-dropping Trevor McDonald... "Trevor McDonald said hello..."
0:23:56 > 0:23:58so we started going one better...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00You live in a very small village, don't you?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02You know this is true, don't you?
0:24:02 > 0:24:07Of course, because we live near each other in show-business land.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10There's a swimming pool, a fireworks shop and a supermarket.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12It's a lovely place!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Is he a serious swimmer doing laps?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- He goes up and down. - You mean on the spot?
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Up and down would signify sinking and desperately trying...
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- You mean back and forth. - He does lengths.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- What's his stroke?- He alternates. - He alternates between what?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Between breaststroke and front crawl.- Which do you prefer?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33I'm afraid I have to do breaststroke.
0:24:33 > 0:24:38You've got to keep your head above the water to keep a lookout for newsreaders.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40So what do you think, Lee?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43What do you think - is Sally telling the truth?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45You're making it up, it's a fib.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- What do you think?- I think it's true.- You think it's true?
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- Yeah, I think it's true.- I'll go for...true.- You're saying true. OK.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Sally Phillips, truth or lie?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56It is a lie.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58APPLAUSE
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Yes, it's a lie.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08Sally and her husband don't play a game over the text called
0:25:08 > 0:25:12I've Just Been In The Water With Trevor McDonald. Next...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14it's David.
0:25:14 > 0:25:20On a wall in my flat, there is a mysterious red switch.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I have no idea what it does, because I have never pressed it
0:25:23 > 0:25:26and refuse to do so.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Right, mysterious red switches. Lee?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- Where's the switch? - It's on the wall.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36Sort of, not directly, but slightly behind the television.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Haven't you just...been tempted to touch it? See what it does?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42It's not that distracting.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46It's bright red, I'd say it's about maybe three quarters of an inch
0:25:46 > 0:25:48or an inch wide.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51It sounds like one of those cooker switches, doesn't it?
0:25:51 > 0:25:57It's a bit like that. It's cocked up in a sort of inviting way that you might want to give a tweak to.
0:25:57 > 0:26:03- You'd have to flick it down.- Exactly. - That's always more scary, isn't it?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06If it were down, I'd assume that whatever it does was happening.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10- Right.- I'd be afraid to turn it off, because I might need it.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15- It might turn the oxygen off.- You've never gone near it, never touched it?
0:26:15 > 0:26:19I've gone near it. I've gone very near it!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I don't live in a very large flat.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24I can't cordon off a whole area of the living room
0:26:24 > 0:26:26just because of the proximity of a mysterious switch.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27I need that space.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31How long have you been in your flat and ignored this switch?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34I moved into the flat about 11 years ago.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37That's a long time to ignore a switch.
0:26:37 > 0:26:43But sometimes I do other things. It's not just been solidly ignoring the switch 24 hours a day.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47How is your granddad's dialysis machine going at the moment?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Lee, what are you going to say? This mysterious switch, is it true?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I started believing it, because I thought, yeah, you have
0:26:53 > 0:26:56those switches in your house and don't know what they are for.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- I've got them.- But you'd have to flick the switch?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- I'd have to flick it. - I would be flicking that switch.
0:27:00 > 0:27:06You can't not fiddle, can you? It's there, you've got to play with it.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I remember seeing an episode of the show
0:27:10 > 0:27:13when David talked about his bedroom door, which didn't have a door handle.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15He had to claw his door open every time
0:27:15 > 0:27:19he opened his bedroom door, so he's not going to bother about a switch.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- He lives in a slum. - Basically, yes, he does.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- He lives in a slum. - So I say it's true.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30If they paid proper repeat fees on Dave, it would be different.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Lee, what are you going to say - truth or lie?
0:27:38 > 0:27:42- Des?- He's telling a lie.- You think he's telling a lie.- Yes.- Why?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44I don't think he could ignore it.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Look at that intelligent face, look at that beard.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49He does look like a professor.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53- He doesn't have a bedroom door handle, Des.- How do you know?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56LAUGHTER
0:27:56 > 0:28:02- So truth or lie?- I think I will go with...Tess and say it's true.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- You're saying it's true. David, truth or lie?- It is...
0:28:05 > 0:28:06true.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Yes! Finally!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Success!
0:28:10 > 0:28:11Yes, it's true.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15David does have a mysterious red switch on the wall of his flat
0:28:15 > 0:28:17which he's never pressed.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19BUZZER
0:28:19 > 0:28:22And that sound signals time is up and it's the end of the show,
0:28:22 > 0:28:25and I can reveal that David's team have won by 5 points to 1.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27APPLAUSE
0:28:27 > 0:28:29But it's not just a team game,
0:28:29 > 0:28:33and my individual liar of the week this week is Sally Phillips.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35APPLAUSE
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Yes, Sally Phillips who's given us
0:28:37 > 0:28:42more barefaced cheek than a leapfrog competition at a nudist colony.
0:28:42 > 0:28:43Good night.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd