0:00:20 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Good evening! And welcome to Would I Lie To You,
0:00:30 > 0:00:35the show where deceit and dishonestly is applauded and rewarded.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38On David Mitchell's team tonight, a woman with a thing for athletic men
0:00:38 > 0:00:40and sporting talent.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Look out, David, it's sports presenter, Gabby Logan!
0:00:43 > 0:00:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:51And an actor and writer who created the series Outnumbered,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54a sitcom about living with unruly juveniles,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57so he'll be right at home tonight. It's Andy Hamilton.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:06And over on Lee Mack's team tonight - she's been in countless fights,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09been kidnapped by her own husband and had an affair with her GP,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11and that was just on the way here tonight.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15All the way from Albert Square, Eastenders' Diane Parish.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:18 > 0:01:21And the doctor who pokes and prods the patients
0:01:21 > 0:01:23on his TV show Embarrassing Bodies.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Forgive me if I don't shake hands, it's Dr Christian Jessen.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:32 > 0:01:35And so we begin with Round One, Home Truths,
0:01:35 > 0:01:39where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44so they've no idea what they'll be faced with,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Now Gabby, you're first up tonight. Off you go.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54When I want to remember something late at night,
0:01:54 > 0:01:58instead of writing it down, I just grab an object from my bedside table
0:01:58 > 0:02:00and throw it across the room.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03There we are. Lee, what do you think?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05So what's the theory behind that?
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Well, I think that if I throw it, in the morning,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I'll remember what it was that I was trying to remember.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15So if you were lying in bed and you were thinking,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I must remember tomorrow to pick up the pillow,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20you'd get the pillow you'd throw it...
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Have you experimented with slightly easier techniques
0:02:24 > 0:02:27of remembering stuff like, pen and paper maybe?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30It is quite odd to throw things, but actually, in a way,
0:02:30 > 0:02:33having a pen and paper next to your bed I would say is odder.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36I'd be more freaked out, like it was some sort of marking system.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37LAUGHTER
0:02:37 > 0:02:42Is that why there's pen and paper next to the beds in hotels?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44It's in case people want to mark each other?!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46It's not just for Countdown, David.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:52When was the last time you did it?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Do you remember when I did it?
0:02:54 > 0:02:55LAUGHTER
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Sorry! What was that? What was that?!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00That was an odd moment, wasn't it?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03First of all we're trying to work out which of the two of you
0:03:03 > 0:03:04she's looking at,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07if indeed, was it both?
0:03:07 > 0:03:11What happened there is I considered saying something,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14and then stopped myself, I thought, before anyone had noticed
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I'd considered saying something...
0:03:16 > 0:03:19And I, for comedic effect, pretended that we were sleeping together.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Trust me, we knew it was for comedic effect.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER
0:03:24 > 0:03:27It's the only reason anyone ever does sleep with me.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29The last time that I did it,
0:03:29 > 0:03:33was to remember... I think I hadn't done my kids' school lunch boxes,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37so it was to remember to do their lunch boxes.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Does it have to be something related?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40So if it's to remember to book a taxi,
0:03:40 > 0:03:44do you throw a model taxi on to the floor?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Will there be a clue?
0:03:46 > 0:03:50AS DAVID FROST: Will the clue be there as we go through...?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I'm doing David Frost.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Somehow when I trip over them in the morning,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58it just immediately triggers.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00So, Lee, what's it going to be?
0:04:00 > 0:04:04I think it's a 50/50 one, this.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Oh, no, no, sorry!
0:04:05 > 0:04:09What would your percentage balance be?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I think 100%, it's a lie.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13That's a big call.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Which way are you leaning, Christian?- Oh...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Oh, for heaven's sake, please! - I nearly answered that.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Must this be a festival of smut?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I suspect it's probably true.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I think I'm going to lean more towards Christian
0:04:29 > 0:04:31and say that that is true.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33You're saying true. OK, Gabby.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I was telling the truth.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39APPLAUSE
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Yes, it's true.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Whenever Gabby wants to remember something late at night,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50she grabs an object from her bedside table
0:04:50 > 0:04:52and she throws it across the room.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Andy, you're next.
0:04:54 > 0:05:00I used to write and hand in homework for an imaginary class-mate.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER
0:05:03 > 0:05:05So, you used to write... You used to do homework
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- for an imaginary class-mate, and hand it in to the teacher?- Yeah.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13For a pupil that he didn't have cos they were imaginary?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Yes. It was a collective effort...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Who was the group of collectives?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19It was the class.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Are they real friends, the class, or...?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Yeah, yeah, with names and everything - real people.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25What was his name?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28He must have had a name, but I can't remember what the name was.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31One of our class was quite enterprising.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34This teacher was new, he was a French teacher,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37he came in and he read the register, and one kid went,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40"Sir, you've missed out..." I don't know,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43call him Fisher for narrative purposes,
0:05:43 > 0:05:48and so this guy wrote in an additional name, in his register.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51And then you kept the pretence of this boy up
0:05:51 > 0:05:53by doing his homework for him and handing it in?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Yeah.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57And, just out of interest, this teacher,
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- when he handed the homework back...? - Yeah.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04..did he come up to you and go, "Give that to Fisher."
0:06:04 > 0:06:05LAUGHTER
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Well, that would've been a problem.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Right.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12But, he was... He wasn't a great teacher.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15He couldn't remember my name. I sat near the window,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17so he called me "Windows".
0:06:19 > 0:06:20- A French teacher, did you say? - Yeah.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22He didn't call you Windows then?
0:06:22 > 0:06:26He did. He didn't call me "Fenetre". He called me Windows cos that was...
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Often the very best French teachers speak English as well.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Who sat his exams for him though? You couldn't sit his exam papers.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41He was off sick quite a lot.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Oh, right.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43LAUGHTER
0:06:43 > 0:06:47So at which point did you own up and say, "Look, sir. Fisher..."
0:06:47 > 0:06:49We've killed Fisher.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:51 > 0:06:52He was doing too well.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58He never found out and the school decided to let him go
0:06:58 > 0:07:02and then the deputy headmaster, as I recall,
0:07:02 > 0:07:05came in and ticked us off,
0:07:05 > 0:07:10and said that he wasn't prepared to tolerate fictional children at his school.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12LAUGHTER
0:07:12 > 0:07:13I think that's what he said.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16So, Lee Mack, what are you thinking?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I can't believe it, cos I just don't think kids would create
0:07:19 > 0:07:21that much work for themselves.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24A lot of factors have to be true here. There has to be -
0:07:24 > 0:07:27they all agree to do it, we have to believe the teacher
0:07:27 > 0:07:29never looks up during the register and that no-one...
0:07:29 > 0:07:35Fisher was off a lot. Fisher wasn't there every morning.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Fisher was never there, Andy!
0:07:37 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Andy, can I ask what's Fisher doing now?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49The awful thing is, for a moment there I tried to think,
0:07:49 > 0:07:50I actually went...
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Time to take a guess, Lee. What are you going to say?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Oh we, trust me, this won't be a guess.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58This is not true.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Not true?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02If it is, I'm worried for Fisher's welfare. I think he's...
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Fisher doesn't exist!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight thinking about Fisher.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09There is no Fisher!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Come on, Lee. What's it going to be, truth or lie?
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Lie.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Let's put Fisher quietly to rest and say it's a lie.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20OK, it's a lie.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24It's a lie, OK, Andy. Is it true or is it a lie?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26There is no Fisher...
0:08:26 > 0:08:28but it is true.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:34 > 0:08:37So what happened to Fisher then?!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Yes, it's true.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Andy did write and hand in homework for an imaginary class-mate.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Now remember, it's funny to have imaginary friends at school,
0:08:47 > 0:08:51but when you start signing on for them, it's fraud.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Diane, you're next.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58When I travel by Tube,
0:08:58 > 0:09:03I like to see how many strangers I can make yawn by yawning myself.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07My record is nine in one carriage.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09David's team.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Well, let's see how good you are at faking a yawn. Oh, you...
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Oh, that's good.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Although I have been speaking so it's not a test...
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Gabby's gone, Gabby's gone.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21I'm feeling a bit...
0:09:21 > 0:09:25I yawned earlier when you were talking about it earlier.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27That's good, David! Brilliant.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30This would be great for the trail. Coming up on BBC One.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Your record was, what was it?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Nine.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Nine, and how long a Tube journey was that?
0:09:38 > 0:09:43I think I started at Cockfosters, and I think I'd ended up
0:09:43 > 0:09:46at Piccadilly Circus, yeah.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I remember where I was going actually.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- You started at Cockfosters?- That's the end of the line, isn't it?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Yeah, that's right at the end of the line.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- Do you live at Cockfosters? - Thereabouts.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58The reason I'm inquiring about Cockfosters
0:09:58 > 0:10:01is that, obviously, it's a well-known station name,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04because all of the Piccadilly line trains going in one direction
0:10:04 > 0:10:07are going to Cockfosters and I think, therefore...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Going from Cockfosters is...
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Or going from, obviously I'm aware that you have to...
0:10:11 > 0:10:14The same number of trains have to come from there as go to there,
0:10:14 > 0:10:17otherwise they'll end up stock-piling.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22So I'm not denying that many trains emanate from Cockfosters.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25What I'm thinking, though, is that you were thinking,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27"What Tube journey could this have been?"
0:10:27 > 0:10:31and Cockfosters came into your head cos you've seen it so many times on the display in the station.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33And that's making you think that you're lying.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Your honour...!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38When I say to people about that end of the line, it's like it's Brigadoon!
0:10:38 > 0:10:42It's not... It's there! People live there, there are lovely houses.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46No, no, no, no. Cockfosters is a fictional place!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48That's where Fisher lives.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49LAUGHTER
0:10:49 > 0:10:51When you yawn, Diane,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54in order to draw attention to the fact that you're yawning
0:10:54 > 0:10:58and spread your yawn more effectively, do you make any noise?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Do you just do...?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Yawning isn't the noisiest of...
0:11:02 > 0:11:03You can do a noise, you go...
0:11:03 > 0:11:04EXAGGERATED YAWN
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- I do it.- See, it works.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08VERY EXAGGERATED YAWN
0:11:08 > 0:11:09LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:14That's how I yawn, my wife loves it!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16VERY EXAGGERATED YAWN
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Let's all yawn like...
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Let's all yawn how we feel.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22ANGUISHED WAILING
0:11:24 > 0:11:26"Not more!" I often say when I yawn.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28LAUGHTER
0:11:28 > 0:11:32"Kill me now!" I say when I'm tired.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Diane, one thing that troubles me about this is that you are,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39because of Eastenders, a very recognisable face.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- Yeah.- I would have thought you'd be wanting to...
0:11:41 > 0:11:42We yawn.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I'm not saying nobody in Eastenders yawns,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47certainly the viewers for one.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48LAUGHTER
0:11:48 > 0:11:49What, what I'm saying is...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51APPLAUSE
0:11:53 > 0:11:56What I'm saying is that, someone who is in the public eye
0:11:56 > 0:11:59often doesn't want to draw attention to themselves.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Interestingly enough, of course, if you're yawning, you look less like yourself,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06so it's a way of not drawing attention to yourself by going...
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I don't think, Lee, that anyone...
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I genuinely do that if I'm in a situation like where there's,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14it's not often, but people recognise me,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I'll slightly change the shape of my face. I'll sort of go...
0:12:17 > 0:12:18LAUGHTER
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Are you Lee Mack?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I'll go, "my name's Fisher".
0:12:26 > 0:12:28"I live in Cockfosters."
0:12:31 > 0:12:33So what are you going to say, David?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36It could be true. My instinct is that it's not.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40I know, I think she was so genuinely enthusiastic when she told it,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42and she's only just seen that and it's a lie,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I'm not sure she'd have quite that enthusiasm for it.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47But she is an actress.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48In EastEnders.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49How very dare you...!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51LAUGHTER
0:12:55 > 0:12:57You think it's true.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- So your instinct is it's true, and your instinct is it isn't.- Yes.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Well, I think it's not true, that's my instinct.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- I'm two to one.- So we're going to say we think it's a lie.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Diane. Truth or lie?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13It's a lie.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Well done!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16APPLAUSE
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Yes, it's a lie.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Diane does not see how many strangers she can make yawn
0:13:20 > 0:13:22when she travels by Tube.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Our next round is called This Is My,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Now this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:13:32 > 0:13:34that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:13:34 > 0:13:37It's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Please welcome this week's special guest, Kevin.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50So, first of all, Christian, what is Kevin to you?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54This is Kevin and he's the surgeon who performed the operation
0:13:54 > 0:14:00after I swallowed one of the pieces from the board game Operation.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Diane, could you explain how you know Kevin?
0:14:04 > 0:14:09This WAS Kevin, but he is such a big Eastenders fan,
0:14:09 > 0:14:15that last year, he changed his name by deed poll to Albert Square.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Finally, Lee, your relationship with Kevin?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24This is Kevin, he has worked as my bum double.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25LAUGHTER
0:14:27 > 0:14:31There we are. So, Christian's toy surgeon,
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Diane's real-life Albert Square, or Lee's cheeky friend?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37David's team, where do you want to start?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Hmm, well, what a barrage of plausibility.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Christian, what piece from Operation was inside you?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48It was the wishbone.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49How old were you when you swallowed it?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51About 23.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52LAUGHTER
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Why did you swallow it then?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Well, we were at medical school.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER
0:15:05 > 0:15:07And it was a sort of a dare.
0:15:07 > 0:15:12I have a friend, um, who has, shall we say he's got a tremor.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I bet him, I said "You cannot remove all of the pieces
0:15:15 > 0:15:18"from Operation without setting off the big red buzzy nose,
0:15:18 > 0:15:22"and if you can, I will swallow a piece of your choice."
0:15:22 > 0:15:23We've got a picture here,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26just to show you. You had little metal pincers,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28and you had to get the little plastic pieces.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31There was the Adam's apple, the broken heart.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- What's the scale of this, how long? - It's about yay big.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37So the wishbone thing...
0:15:37 > 0:15:38- Small.- Small.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Where did it get stuck?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42It got stuck in my lower oesophagus,
0:15:42 > 0:15:46and the next day I had a sharp pain and I coughed
0:15:46 > 0:15:50and a little bit of blood sort of puked up a little bit, um...
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I'm feeling a bit faint now.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55OK, bit of blood. It's not going to get worse, is it, than blood?
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Well, it would if I'd left it.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01So this blood was coming from your stomach?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- It had stuck in the side of the oesophagus.- Yeah, but...
0:16:03 > 0:16:06You don't just...it must have cut something, mustn't it?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08You don't bring blood up
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- with things being stuck, do you? - I don't feel well.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15You have a sphincter at the lower end of your oesophagus
0:16:15 > 0:16:17that stops food coming up into it. That sphincter had closed
0:16:17 > 0:16:20on to this spiky little bit of plastic,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22and that's exactly what happened.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25It's all right. It's just like...
0:16:25 > 0:16:29It's just like a shoe getting caught in a door.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32And what sort of procedure was it to have it removed?
0:16:32 > 0:16:37Do they have to hack you open, pull the flesh back off,
0:16:37 > 0:16:41- take a big claw... - He's doing that deliberately.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43..blood coming out like that,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46spurting over the face of the surgeons, there's blood everywhere and they're reaching
0:16:46 > 0:16:48and pulling out organs and intestines,
0:16:48 > 0:16:52and then a little creature comes up and goes "Eaaagh!"
0:16:52 > 0:16:54And then they get the little piece.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Or was it a keyhole thing?
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Or was it just a small camera with a little grabber on the end
0:17:01 > 0:17:03that went down there, grabbed it and pulled it out?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05OK, so do you want to move on to another suspect?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Yes. Diane.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Kevin's name is now Albert Square?
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Yeah.
0:17:11 > 0:17:16How did you come to meet such a weird person?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20He's not... He's a fan of the show.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25We see our fans a lot. They... Kevin waits outside - sorry, Albert
0:17:25 > 0:17:30waits outside Elstree studios for us to drive in and out and we stop and sign autographs.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32And he has cufflinks on, I notice.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Unusual, isn't it, for a fan
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- to kind of hang outside the show... - Why?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Well, somebody who stands outside of Elstree...
0:17:40 > 0:17:45- Yes.- I wouldn't imagine him to be, kind of...- Perfectly decent, good people. What are you saying?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Well, he is dressed, at the moment, I would say,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50more like somebody who has an office job,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53and those hours don't necessarily collude with filming times.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Very clever, how you handled that.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- Does he look like a surgeon to you? - Could be a surgeon. - If we're talking about his looks,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02he's got a nice bum.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04LAUGHTER
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Did he say what he was hoping to achieve
0:18:06 > 0:18:08through changing his name?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10This is the thing. There are people
0:18:10 > 0:18:13that absolutely love the show, and this is just something...
0:18:13 > 0:18:14I can't explain it for you.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16You see, I would say
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- the standard response to loving the show...- Yeah.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Would be to watch the show.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24That's you.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- Fans do do weird things, though, don't they?- Right, so Lee.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Yes.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32In which of your glamorous film roles was a bum double required?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34It wasn't a film role.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37It was in my situation comedy, Not Going Out.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39You may have heard of it.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Don't clap, don't clap.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43If he has to start it, it doesn't count.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46What is wrong with your bottom?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- Nothing wrong with my bottom. - Why couldn't they use your bum?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53I didn't want to get my bum out on national television. Fair enough, isn't it?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Why should Kevin have to - sorry, Albert have to get his out?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57It's Kevin.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59If it's the bum, it's Kevin.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Unless they're all true.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04A brilliant surgeon becomes obsessed with EastEnders.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06What was the scene?
0:19:06 > 0:19:10The character I play, who's very similar to me, actually, was, er,
0:19:10 > 0:19:16in an adult movie. And at the end, I was hung upside down
0:19:16 > 0:19:21and whipped by a lady also playing someone in the adult movie industry.
0:19:21 > 0:19:26- Could Kevin turn round so we could see his bottom? - Yes, would you turn round, please,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Kevin, so we can see your bottom?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Thank you. And would you, would you like Lee to...?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Could you, Lee, stand up and turn around?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34No problem at all.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Can you turn round and lift your jacket up?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40This is like a really strange police line-up, isn't it?
0:19:42 > 0:19:47Um, Lee's bottom is about half a size bigger.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48You what?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- Has this episode gone out, Lee? - I don't know, but if the question
0:19:56 > 0:19:59you asked about us getting up doesn't get in, they'll think I'm having a wee break.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:11You, er...?
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Been here a lot? It's all right here, isn't it?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17The hand driers are broken, by the way.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Are you satisfied?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Kevin, you can turn back round now, thank you very much.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24So what are you thinking?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I think he's called Albert Square.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Do you? - You think it's Christian, don't you?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I'm between Christian and Lee.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35But the bet is odd. "I'll swallow one of these bits of plastic."
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I'm not sure I believe that.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41The thing is, there's no massive logical problem with any of those.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45They're all stories that sort of hold water, but also are unusual.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48How entertaining for the nation.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51It could be any of them. It could be any of them.
0:20:51 > 0:20:57I think, when you don't know, pick the middle one. Lee.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58- You're saying it's Lee.- Yeah.
0:20:58 > 0:21:04So, Kevin, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05I'm Kevin,
0:21:05 > 0:21:09and I did indeed play Lee's bottom double in Not Going Out.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19Yes, Kevin was Lee's bum double and, excitingly, we've got a picture.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Look at that. That is...
0:21:23 > 0:21:24You didn't mention the donkey.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- Thank you very much, Kevin.- Thanks.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30APPLAUSE
0:21:32 > 0:21:37Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies. And we start with...
0:21:37 > 0:21:38BUZZER
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Lee.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I shaved off a beard I had been growing for weeks
0:21:43 > 0:21:46because I didn't want David to think I was copying him.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48LAUGHTER
0:21:51 > 0:21:55David, on the team with two beards.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Yes.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- How long ago was this? - About two months ago.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03What was it that alerted you to the fact that I had grown a beard?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Well, I looked at you and you had a beard.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Are you all right? Are you having a breakdown?
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Were you ever together in the same room with beards?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18We did a radio show together and you had a beard, and then...
0:22:18 > 0:22:22He doesn't remember the radio show. Look at his eyes, glazed over.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26"Who the hell is this man? I thought he was my driver."
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Do you recognise me now?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35"Hello, Mr David, sir, nice beard."
0:22:35 > 0:22:37And then about a couple of months later,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I don't know if you remember this or not,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42but I invited you round to my house for dinner.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Yes, I remember.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Thank God for that. And you came.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- I was there as well. - Rob was there too.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- What a cosy picture we're painting. - Yes.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55We were all there, all together, and we sat in this position.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56I sat at my table.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Rob there. David was sat in the other room.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02And at that point, had you shaved your beard off?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I have a beard a lot when I'm at home when I'm not doing a telly show,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07and I get rid of it if I'm doing a telly show.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10And I said something to my wife like,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13"David's got a beard. He might think I've grown a beard to copy him."
0:23:13 > 0:23:16And I just said that as a joke. But it festered.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20So many of your jokes do.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22LAUGHTER
0:23:28 > 0:23:30So I thought "I'll give him a bit of a chance,
0:23:30 > 0:23:34"I'll shave the beard off so there's no unsaid tension."
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- So you shaved it off there and then? - I shaved it off ten minutes before you came round.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40What are you going to say, David, truth or lie?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42It's a very caring portrait of himself.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Yeah, you might have thought about that before you came on, actually.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52It seems that Lee's very worried about your feelings.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I mean, it's very touching.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I wouldn't go that far.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57OK, David.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I think we think it's true.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00All right.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Lee, truth or lie?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07It is in fact...
0:24:07 > 0:24:09true.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I'm all heart, David, I'm all heart.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Yes, it's true. Lee did shave off his beard
0:24:16 > 0:24:19because he didn't want David to think he was copying him.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Next...
0:24:21 > 0:24:22BUZZER
0:24:22 > 0:24:24It's Christian.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Possession.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Ah, OK, now. Look at that thing next to you with a drape over it.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30First of all,
0:24:30 > 0:24:34pop that up on to the desk, keeping it hidden under the drape.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37And then before you unveil the object,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39would you read the card out, please?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44LAUGHTER
0:24:44 > 0:24:50This is my monkey, Elsie. She watches over me while I sleep.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53And now please reveal Elsie.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Oh! I'm so sorry, David, she could have shaved.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- This is a dead monkey, isn't it? - Oh, my.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Yeah, you should know!
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Oh, no, love. Look at that face!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- Is Elsie actually stuffed? - No, she's very well trained.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18What disappointed her so badly when she died?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Dying.- Death.
0:25:22 > 0:25:28So where did you find Elsie? Did you kill her yourself?
0:25:28 > 0:25:33I was flicking through a magazine. Of interiors.
0:25:33 > 0:25:39And in the magazine was an advert for a shop that sells fireplaces.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41And monkeys?
0:25:41 > 0:25:45And on the fireplace was an arrangement of objects,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47including the monkey.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49So I phoned up the place that sold fireplaces
0:25:49 > 0:25:52and said, "Oi, give us your monkey."
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- And they did. - What's the story with the tiara?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Just out of interest, completely separate subject,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02does anyone think that Camilla will ever become Queen?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04LAUGHTER
0:26:05 > 0:26:09I just thought I'd throw it open, have a discussion. What do you think?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I didn't mean the monkey with the crown!
0:26:14 > 0:26:18That's genuinely a stuffed monkey?
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Can we have a look at it?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- That is genuinely a stuffed monkey. - Are we allowed to inspect it?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Yeah, you can inspect his monkey if you want to.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Why don't we bring the monkey to you?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31What are you doing, all three of you?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34You look like an act you'd have in the Royal Variety Show in the 1970s.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- I have to stretch my legs at this point.- I'll bring it to you. - Oh, all right.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39I'm just wandering around.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I'll bring it to you.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45This is chaos.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Join me, come on, join me.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Can we have a look at the tiara?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- Oh, I've left the tiara. - Let's have a look at the tiara.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Where's the tiara? - My God, it's terrifying.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03You know when you're asleep, Christian,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06and you wake up in the middle of the night
0:27:06 > 0:27:07and she's looking down on you
0:27:07 > 0:27:11with that glum expression, doesn't it unsettle or unnerve you?
0:27:11 > 0:27:15No, I find her very sort of... soothing.
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Monkey!
0:27:20 > 0:27:23So what are you going to say, David? Is it a truth or is it a lie?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Firstly, I'm going to hand that back.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29I think you should be insuring that. Not for theft, I wouldn't have said.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33It looks like he's just won a wildlife BAFTA.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Is it the truth? Is this a tall story?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41We think it's a lie.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- I...yes.- I think we all think it's a lie.- I think it's a lie.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I think Christian's a very good actor.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- So you're saying that it is, then...?- A lie.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53A lie, OK, Christian, was it the truth, or was it in fact a lie?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56It is in fact...
0:27:56 > 0:27:57True.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Very well played.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Good work.
0:28:03 > 0:28:10Yes, that was all true. Christian does have a stuffed monkey
0:28:10 > 0:28:12who watches over him while he sleeps.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13KLAXON
0:28:13 > 0:28:16That noise signals that the time is up. It's the end of the show,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19and I can reveal that David's team have won by 4-2.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:25But it's not just a team game,
0:28:25 > 0:28:32and my individual liar of the week this week is Andy Hamilton.
0:28:32 > 0:28:33APPLAUSE
0:28:33 > 0:28:37Yes, Andy Hamilton, a man whose stories are as fake
0:28:37 > 0:28:38as the smile on his face
0:28:38 > 0:28:42after four months of filming with those kids on Outnumbered.
0:28:42 > 0:28:43Good night.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd