0:00:20 > 0:00:22APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33the show where being a fraud gets a reward.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35On David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38a man named Richard, who's an adjudicator on a BBC One quiz show,
0:00:38 > 0:00:42so when I call him Clever Dick, I'm being factual, not rude.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44From Pointless, Richard Osman.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:46 > 0:00:50And a comedian and actor whose distinctive looks
0:00:50 > 0:00:54can only be described as when Goliath ate Rik Mayall.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55It's Greg Davies.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:59 > 0:01:03And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a comedian who once told me
0:01:03 > 0:01:06he was as sane and normal as the next man,
0:01:06 > 0:01:08although at the time, he was standing next to Vic Reeves.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09It's Bob Mortimer.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:11 > 0:01:16And in Holby City, she murdered people, had affairs with doctors,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19got pregnant, and was attacked by patients.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21It really was quite an episode.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22It's Patsy Kensit.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:25 > 0:01:29And we start with Round One, it's Home Truths,
0:01:29 > 0:01:31where our panellists each read out a statement
0:01:31 > 0:01:32from the card in front of them.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Greg is first up, Greg, would you reveal all?
0:01:45 > 0:01:51At school, I invented a game called Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER
0:01:53 > 0:01:56There we are. Lee's team, what do you think?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- What was the game called again? - Umm...
0:01:58 > 0:02:00LAUGHTER
0:02:00 > 0:02:04It was called Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Right, and can you describe the game to us?
0:02:06 > 0:02:11Myself and several friends we all had snorkel parkas.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- What is a snorkel parka?- Yeah. - For some of the younger viewers?
0:02:14 > 0:02:19It's a, it, it's a large hooded coat with a fur-lined collar.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23- Oh, the one that comes out at the front?- Yeah.- And it's fur.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25And you can, you can zip it up so that it comes right up,
0:02:25 > 0:02:27and, so that only your eyes are visible.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Right.- Can you describe the rules, imagine we've never met.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I've got my snorkel parka, what would happen next?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Well, then you and I, Lee, will go to the music practice room when...
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I'm not falling for this again.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:41And you zip up your snorkel parka, and then you,
0:02:41 > 0:02:46- when someone's practising their violin with the violin teacher in the music practice room...- Yeah.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48You duck down below the window,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51and then you just come up with your snorkel parka on.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:55So just imagine you're a historical re-enactment society.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- All right. - You've got your members there.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- I suppose, I suppose... - How would you...
0:02:59 > 0:03:03I'd have to fully demonstrate it with, by using my, um, making an ad hoc snorkel parka.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08- Feel free to ask Richard and David to help you out on this.- Will you help me out with this?- Um...
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Well, I...I... you see this is one of the moments where...
0:03:11 > 0:03:13LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:14I don't like having to...
0:03:14 > 0:03:15LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- All right.- Want to do it? - Yeah, all right, yeah.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19ROB LAUGHS
0:03:19 > 0:03:22APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:03:22 > 0:03:24We'll probably have to go...
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Below our desks. Like this.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Below our desks. Right.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33So if, so if you imagine this was the music practice room and...
0:03:33 > 0:03:35And there was some, someone in there having a lunchtime,
0:03:35 > 0:03:37a lunchtime violin lesson.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41- Yeah.- You, you would wait until they were in mid-tutorial and then...
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- Right, I'm picturing it, yeah. - And then together...- Yeah? - After three.- OK.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47One, two, three...
0:03:47 > 0:03:49LAUGHTER
0:03:49 > 0:03:50APPLAUSE
0:03:51 > 0:03:52CHEERING
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- Ah...- That's it, really.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00LAUGHTER
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Was the secret to the game that they never knew who you were, cos you were...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05They wouldn't know cos it's only your eyes showing,
0:04:05 > 0:04:09- and they'd tell you to go away, so you'd duck down, and then leave it a minute...- And come back up.- Yeah.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- What age were you?- Maybe...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Please tell me you weren't one of the teachers.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15LAUGHTER
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- Maybe 13, 14.- Right the way through till when you left? - Right through till sixth form, yeah.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21You never got told to stop this, or you got a...?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Yeah, well, they'd bang on the window and be really furious with us. Then we'd...
0:04:25 > 0:04:27For five years, they were banging on the window.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31They never once thought to come out, and say, "Lads, it's getting really boring."
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- LAUGHTER - But you see...
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- I know who you are, Greg, because you're eight foot six. - LAUGHTER
0:04:36 > 0:04:41But just out of interest, by show of hands, who would like to play Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I will.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Yeah.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I'm quite keen on the game.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I've, I've already played it, I didn't really enjoy it. PATSY LAUGHS
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- It sounds ridiculous, I mean the last time I...- It does sound utterly ridiculous, Greg.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54It's almost as if you're lying.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER
0:04:56 > 0:05:01- Do you think he is lying, Lee? What are you going to say on this one? - Well, I actually believe him.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05I could just see you doing that for, for kicks and giggles.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Bob, which way are you leaning with this?
0:05:08 > 0:05:13- Well, it's got the anticipation, it's got the jeopardy, it's got the lot.- Yeah.- What a game!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- Something tells me you're going to get a phone call from Waddington's. - LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:20If this gets picked up, just cos I've talked about it, it's mine, right?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Only if you really played it. If it's a lie, if you haven't copyrighted it...
0:05:23 > 0:05:28- If it's a lie and I've just read it off this thing, whose idea is it? - I'm...- The person who wrote the lie.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I'd like to,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I'd like to maintain the rights to Balaclava Sports Hall.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34LAUGHTER
0:05:34 > 0:05:35- If...- Yeah.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- If anyone's interested. - Right, Lee, it's time to take a guess, what are you going to say?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- We're going for true. - You're saying it's true, OK.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Greg, were you telling the truth? - Well...- Or were you telling a lie?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Well, right, because that would make me utterly pathetic, wouldn't it?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Yes, I was telling the truth.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Yes, it's true, Greg did invent a game
0:05:56 > 0:05:59called Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03At school, Greg was very popular with the other pupils,
0:06:03 > 0:06:04not surprising really,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07considering they'd created him in a science lesson.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08LAUGHTER
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Richard, you're next.
0:06:11 > 0:06:17I once buried a badger with The Banker from Deal Or No Deal.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Lee's team.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I know the programme, but who is that, who is the...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23We never hear The Banker, do we?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27No, I'm not allowed to tell you, if I told you, I'd have to bury you alongside the badger, I'm afraid.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- Oh, so the badger found out, is that what happened to him? - LAUGHTER
0:06:30 > 0:06:33What's burying the badger a euphemism for?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- This banker.- Mm-hmm. - Can you describe him to me, please?
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Yes, I could do.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44LAUGHTER
0:06:45 > 0:06:48He's just a guy like you and I, somewhere in between you and I.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Well, which one is it?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Somewhere in the middle. - Why do you know the guy from...?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I've known him, I, way back when I,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- I used to be the producer of Deal Or No Deal. - Right, and what's his name?
0:06:57 > 0:07:02- Er... He is called The Banker. - No, what's his real name?- I can't tell you what his real name is.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03It's on the credits of the show. LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:09- Tell us!- What does it say on the credits of the show? - It says, "The Banker as himself."
0:07:09 > 0:07:10- Why was the badger dead?- Yeah.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14- Er... We hit it with a car, unfortunately.- What were you doing in a car with him?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Er... About 70?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Ha!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21BOB LAUGHS
0:07:21 > 0:07:23We were on holiday together.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24- Where were you on holiday?- Er...
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Badger country, Cornwall.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29GREG: Was Edmonds there? Sorry, I'm not part of this am I? Sorry.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31It's a good question, though, Greg, was Noel there?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- No, it was a holiday.- Can I...
0:07:33 > 0:07:34LAUGHTER
0:07:34 > 0:07:37APPLAUSE ROB LAUGHS
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Before you buried the badger, did you put him in a box,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42and then there's loads of other empty boxes,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45and you had to choose which box was...
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Dead squirrel, wrong box.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- PATSY: I think it's very sad that the badger died and everything.- Yes.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- But why so much trouble to dig the grave?- Because The Banker's wife was with us.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Oh. Can you tell us her name, or does she work for...
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- I can say her name.- Does she work for the Iranian government? - LAUGHTER
0:08:02 > 0:08:04What is the name of The Banker? PATSY LAUGHS
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Was this during the day or, or of the evening?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- It was, it was late at night. - Late at night.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- PATSY: Were you, were you, had you had a, you know? - I'd had a few, yeah.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- So you got spent? PATSY: You weren't driving, then?- No, I wasn't driving. - Who was driving, The Banker?
0:08:17 > 0:08:23If he won't name The Banker, he's not going on national television and go, "I was driving, I was mullered."
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- LAUGHTER - I say badger, I mean nun.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:32- APPLAUSE - Um... And then what?- The Banker's wife then says we should bury it.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- The Banker's wife, it's sounding like Cluedo this, go on. - LAUGHTRE
0:08:35 > 0:08:39To which the obvious answer is, "We're not going to bury it, it's sort of, it's two in the morning."
0:08:39 > 0:08:45- Right.- "It's really cold and it's dark."- What, what's happened, then? - So the badger is dead.- Right.- Yeah.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Sad occasion, I'm not underestimating the sadness of it,
0:08:47 > 0:08:51there's probably a badger wife and badger children at home, I accept that's sad.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- Are you not allowed to say their names either? - LAUGHTER
0:08:53 > 0:08:57So you checked the gender of the badger, you know it was a male badger.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- LAUGHTER - Or a female badger in a same-sex relationship.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01LAUGHTER
0:09:01 > 0:09:07Who'd adopted a small badger, perhaps an orphaned badger without a home in need of a rest.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11I think you're wildly overestimating the sophistication of the badger community.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- LAUGHTER - But what happens next?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- Er... We went back...- Yeah. - Got spades...- Yeah.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Went back to where the badger lay prone.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Buried it, said a few words.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21- What did you say?- Yeah.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Just said, "Lord protect this badger."
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- LAUGHTER - Or words to that effect.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- If only you'd have said it an hour earlier. - LAUGHTER
0:09:31 > 0:09:34So go on, "Lord protect this badger..."
0:09:34 > 0:09:38I think I, I said a few words about the family of the badger, and they... some words of apology.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- Tell us the word, I want the words. - Ah...
0:09:40 > 0:09:44I apologise to the family of this badger,
0:09:44 > 0:09:45wherever they may be...
0:09:45 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:52- But I'm guessing they're nearby. - Yeah?- Put some stones on it, went back home, started drinking again.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53LAUGHTER
0:09:53 > 0:09:56So Lee, what's it going to be? Truth or lie?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- BOB: Oh, I think it's true, Lee. - Bob thinks it's true. - Do you think it's true?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- Patsy?- I don't believe the badger bit, I think the badger bit's...
0:10:02 > 0:10:04That's quite central to the story.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:09- But everything else you believe.- I believe he knows The Banker.- Right. - I think he knows The Banker's wife.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- Well, there's your answer. - I think...- We think it's true, apart from the badger bit.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- LAUGHTER - OK?- Lee, Lee, it's time to make your mind up.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- Well, it's true, it's true. - You're saying it's true? - Apart from the badger bit.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25- Richard, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? - I was telling...
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- ..the truth. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Yes, it's true,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Richard did bury a badger with The Banker from Deal Or No Deal.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Patsy, you're up next.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45When I was younger, I was regularly paid to babysit Marvin,
0:10:45 > 0:10:50my neighbour's pet dog, who had died and been stuffed.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51LAUGHTER
0:10:51 > 0:10:52David's team.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Right, so that you were...
0:10:54 > 0:10:56you were babysitting the dog only post-mortem.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Yes, after, after he'd died.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00What did your duties involve?
0:11:00 > 0:11:05Well, they were elderly people, they'd leave out, like, food,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08and water, and what I used to do, because I felt so sorry for them,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10was I would sort of pour a bit of the water away,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13and, like, halve the food and stick it in, you know, the, the rubbish
0:11:13 > 0:11:14under some kitchen roll.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17So they'd come back and say, "You see?!"
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- He's alive!- "He IS alive!"
0:11:20 > 0:11:22They thought the dog was alive, did they?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Well no, they, they can't have, but they behaved, I mean, it was just, it was,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27it was a very unusual family, and she had pictures,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30framed pictures of him when he was alive and when he was stuffed.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- LEE:- How do you know the difference? - Well...- In photographs?
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- Cos it didn't look, it wasn't a good stuffing. - LAUGHTER
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- The stuffed one, he always looked exactly the same wherever he was. - Yeah.
0:11:41 > 0:11:46- Yeah, his expression didn't change much.- What sort of dog had Marvin been before?- A Yorkshire terrier.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50- Right, and then what...- And we had a Yorkshire terrier called Pepper, who was alive, I'm glad to say.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53That was rubbing their nose in it, wasn't it? LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Stuffed Peppers!- But our dog...
0:11:55 > 0:11:56LAUGHTER
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Very good, very good.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00APPLAUSE
0:12:01 > 0:12:05But our dog was, like, totally untrained, I mean adorable, but...
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Whereas Marvin was so well behaved.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- LAUGHTER - What position was Marvin stuffed in, what was...?- Standing.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Did he have a facial expression, was there any kind of emotion coming from...?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Like this, he was like that. - LEE LAUGHS
0:12:17 > 0:12:19So like he was angry.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Like he'd died in a, in a battle.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- BOB: During the... - Maybe he was stuffed to death.- Yeah. LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:28What a way to go!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30If I had a stuffed dog that was stood up,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I'd put one of its legs in the bucket, in a bucket,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35then I'd always know where that bucket was.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36LAUGHTER
0:12:38 > 0:12:41What do you think, David, which way are you leaning on this?
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- What do you think, Richard? - It sounds quite convincing. - You're convinced?
0:12:45 > 0:12:50- Well, I think it's impressively told if it's a lie.- I think impressively told, a lot of the detail...
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- You're not an actress, are you, Patsy? - LAUGHTER
0:12:53 > 0:12:56A lot of people would say I'm not, actually, so...
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- SHE LAUGHS GREG:- Well, I think it's a lie.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00My instinct is that it's the truth.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- We're going to say it's true.- You're saying it's true, OK.- Oh, no...
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Patsy Kensit, were you telling us the truth, or were you telling us a lie?
0:13:07 > 0:13:08That story...
0:13:08 > 0:13:09was a lie.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Oh...
0:13:11 > 0:13:13APPLAUSE
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Yes, it's a lie, Patsy wasn't regularly paid
0:13:18 > 0:13:21to babysit her neighbours' stuffed pet dog.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23So at the end of that round,
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Lee's team are in the lead by three points to nil.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Well done, team. Well done.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Our next round is called This Is My...,
0:13:33 > 0:13:34where we bring on a mystery guest
0:13:34 > 0:13:37who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50- So, please welcome this week's special guest, Pauline. - APPLAUSE
0:13:54 > 0:13:58So Richard, what is Pauline to you?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01This is Pauline, last year we met at a Snoop Dogg gig,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- and we bonded cos we were the two oldest fans in the room. - LAUGHTER
0:14:04 > 0:14:06David, how do you know Pauline?
0:14:06 > 0:14:11This is Pauline, when I was a cub, she was the Akela,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14and she had to take me out of the scout hut once
0:14:14 > 0:14:15for asking too many questions
0:14:15 > 0:14:18when we were being given a talk by the police.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19LAUGHTER
0:14:21 > 0:14:23And finally, Greg, your relationship with Pauline.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27This is Pauline, she's my mum.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30She once drove past me when I was having my first fight,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33and got out of her car to cheer me on.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- Lee's team, where do you start? - Greg, how old were you on this first fight?
0:14:40 > 0:14:4112?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Right, and so, where was this, at school?
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Er, no.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Where was it?
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Um, outside the...
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Outside the music room?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51LAUGHTER
0:14:51 > 0:14:52It was in the street.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- In the street?- Yeah. - Who were you fighting?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I, I honestly can't remember his name,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59he was a lad, er, and he was in the year above me,
0:14:59 > 0:15:04and I remember he had fairly distinctive, um... red hair.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- Is that why you fought him? - LAUGHTER
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I fought him because he'd fought one of my friends.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- Oh, OK, so this was like, er... - PATSY: Revenge. - You were doing a heroic gesture.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- Yeah.- And he was older than you.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18- Yes.- What was your friend called?
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Well, I'm from Shropshire, so he, he was called, er... Chinese Dave.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Is everyone called Chinese Dave in Shropshire?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29No, I'm just thinking, he was called Chinese Dave, and I don't know the reason,
0:15:29 > 0:15:33- he certainly wasn't Chinese, I think it's cos he used to wear a hat. - LAUGHTER
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- That would be it. That would be it. - That'll be it, probably.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38What was your fighting technique, do you recall?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41It was a sort of, sort of, windmill of bones,
0:15:41 > 0:15:42just like this.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45A windmill of bones! I give you the Windmill of Bones!
0:15:45 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:50What was your mum shouting at you by way of encouragement?
0:15:50 > 0:15:54- Um... I mean as I recall, it was just, "Get in there." - LAUGHTER
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- "Do him!"- PATSY: Do him, yeah.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58"Get in there, son," is what I...
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- And was she there the first time you had sex? - LAUGHTER
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- PATSY: This was in the street, your mum was driving.- Yeah.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- Past you, saw you...- Yeah.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- She knew about the attack on Chinese...- Dave.- Dave.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Dave, yeah, that wears a hat.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13So I presume she saw what was going on,
0:16:13 > 0:16:18and thought, "Oh it's good that my son is avenging Chinese Dave's..."
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- So does she get out of the car or do it from the window? Was it a drive-by?- No, she got out.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25When you, you didn't win the fight, did your mum then,
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- surely she stepped in and stopped it or did she say, "Keep fighting!"? - Well, let me tell you, Patsy...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- Yeah.- The fight came to a fairly abrupt end.- Why?
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- And I'm going to give you some very specific detail now.- Thank you.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Um... Because I was chewing Polos during the fight.- Mmm.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- Er...- Please don't, you're not going to try and convince us
0:16:41 > 0:16:44that they came out, and your mum thought it was teeth.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- Teeth.- Hear me out. - LAUGHTER
0:16:46 > 0:16:48He is, he is.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52I, I got, I got caught in the mouth, and literally, I spat Polos everywhere,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- and my mum went, "Oh! Oh no! His teeth, his teeth!" - LAUGHTER
0:16:55 > 0:16:56- What's your mum called?- Pauline.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Has she got a nickname, like Heckling Pauline or anything like that?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01LAUGHTER
0:17:01 > 0:17:03No, although I would tell you she, she has an impressive history,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06cos she was in a play-fight with my dad once,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09and he locked himself in a toilet.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Yeah?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13And to get to him in the play-fight,
0:17:13 > 0:17:15my mum punched a hole through a door.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16LAUGHTER
0:17:16 > 0:17:17So, there's obviously,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20there's obviously a violent streak in this woman.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21PATSY LAUGHS
0:17:21 > 0:17:26- It is true, though, it's definitely true, and that is my mum.- Who's next, who are you going to do next?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- OK, so we'll go with David, shall we?- Yeah.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31David, just let me recap, am I right in saying that there was a talk by the police?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- Yeah, they...- At the cubs.- Yeah.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37And you, you asked one too many questions to the policeman?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Yes, I was ask... I was full of questions.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41What kind of questions were you asking?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Well, I was asking about various, you know,
0:17:45 > 0:17:47issues involved in fighting crime.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48How old were you?
0:17:48 > 0:17:49I think I was about eight.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Right. What kind of crime fighting questions were you asking?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Well, you know there was, there was a lot of, there was a problem,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I felt... LAUGHTER
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- There was a problem with vandalism and graffiti...- Yeah. - ..in the area, um...
0:18:05 > 0:18:09You know at that age you're supposed to be taking part rather than complaining about it.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- Yeah.- That's OK, different upbringings, that's fine. What other questions?
0:18:13 > 0:18:17I asked a lot about the... The locks in Cagney and Lacey.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21I was at the time very aware of the security measures
0:18:21 > 0:18:26in all of those flats in New York, and the big locks on the doors, and I said,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29"Why don't we have locks like that, and how can..." You know,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- "How can we keep burglars out "if we don't have locks like that?"- Right.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35And the policeman was saying how you can't keep out a determined burglar.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- Right.- And I was saying, "Well, why do we lock the doors at all, then?"
0:18:39 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:41 > 0:18:44But I wasn't aware he was supposed to, trying to get on with the talk,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46and maybe questions would happen at the end,
0:18:46 > 0:18:47and maybe they wouldn't all be asked by me.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- LAUGHTER - Where was this, where was this cubs?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- It was in, er, in Headington. - Headington?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55In, yeah, where I grew up.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Well, I know that, I don't think you travelled.- Yeah.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- I assumed it was where you lived. - Yeah.- Otherwise that would be bonkers.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- "Where are you from?" "I'm from Newcastle." - No, my parents thought about...
0:19:03 > 0:19:06My parents had heard about a very good cub scout group
0:19:06 > 0:19:09about 400 miles away, and they, they thought about driving me there
0:19:09 > 0:19:13to get the very best training in... LAUGHTER ..tying, you know, absolutely.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14What badges did you get, David?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Don't talk about badgers in front of Richard.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18LAUGHTER
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Richard.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- Lee.- Remind us once again of your, of your truth.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Pauline and I met at the Snoop Dogg gig.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26PATSY: Where? Where was he playing?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Er... It was at the Forum in Kentish Town.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- When was this, what year? - Last year.- Last year.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- So he was called Snoop Dogg, cos he's been called a lot of things, hasn't he?- He certainly has.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- In the olden days, he was Snoop Doggy Dogg, but now just Snoop Dogg. - LAUGHTER
0:19:39 > 0:19:42But whereabouts were you in the Forum, where were you watching the show from?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Well, we met when there was a delay, as there often is at rap concerts,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47there's sort of an hour delay, so I'm...
0:19:47 > 0:19:49For why, why was there a delay?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- Well because of Snoop, you don't know, you don't rush Snoop. - LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Who supported him, did he have a support act?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Uh yeah, Korrupt. - LAUGHTER
0:19:57 > 0:19:59What was...
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- With a K. - With a K, wow.- With a K.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03BOB: I'd have left after them. LAUGHTER
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- PATSY: What was the, what was his hair like, Snoops?- Snoops?
0:20:06 > 0:20:07What, how was he wearing his hair?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10He was wearing his hair, he had sort of corn rows, essentially.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- He knows all the words, doesn't he? - Yeah.- He's definitely read up on this.- Yeah.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17And, OK, and so, and then you guys, your eyes met across the...
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- No, in, in this delay I went up to...- Yeah.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23There's a little quieter bar upstairs,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26and I went up there to play a bit of, er, Scrabble on my phone...
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Oh, come on!
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Because I was with younger people, they were enjoying the support act,
0:20:30 > 0:20:34enjoying the fact there was a delay, there was loud music playing, I was enjoying it less.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Yeah.- Pauline was reading a book. Right, right...
0:20:37 > 0:20:40So I thought, OK, she's quite bored as well, of this thing,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- so, anyway I'm playing my thing, she says, "Well, what are you doing?" - Yeah.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47I said, "Playing Scrabble on my phone." She said, "I didn't know you could play Scrabble on a phone."
0:20:47 > 0:20:51- So I showed her, we started playing Scrabble, have done ever since. - Ever since?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- What, you're going out with each other now? - LAUGHTER
0:20:53 > 0:20:54You know what, Lee?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Early days, early days.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59LAUGHTER BOB: Have you actually met up with Maureen since?
0:20:59 > 0:21:00OTHERS: Pauline.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03LAUGHTER
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- Ah-ha-ha! GREG:- You're not going to be able to dissect us with those blunt little words.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11So Lee, where is, where is this, where is this leading you, what are you thinking, Lee?
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Patsy, do we believe any of these people, cos they're all sounding chronically untrue.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19The Chronic, of course, was one of the first albums Snoop was on, Dr Dre...
0:21:19 > 0:21:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:21 > 0:21:22PATSY: Um...
0:21:26 > 0:21:30I could see David in his cub shorts and being, being worried about the graffiti,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33he sort of strikes me as the sort of person, it would have upset him, and he...
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- BOB:- I'm intrigued by the slight physical resemblance
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- between Greg and the lady.- Yeah. - I know what you mean, yeah. Um...
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Do you mind standing up, Greg, again,
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- would you stand next to this lady you claim to be your mother? - GREG: Next to my mum?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Well, let's call her "a woman" for now. - LAUGHTER
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Right.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50- Now... - LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:52PATSY: It's so weird.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I'm guessing for this mean average to work out,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- your dad is the Jolly Green Giant. - LAUGHTER
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- BOB:- No, but you see, Lee,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02it's a fact that a son has to be taller than their mum.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06It's either Richard or Greg, I think, so that's my answer.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- So you think...?- I think it's Richard.- You think it's Richard, you think it's Richard or Greg.- Yeah.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14- My team say Richard.- DAVID: Don't forget the...- What are you going to say?- The scout hut one, the...
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- Oh, sorry, oh sorry, are you still here?- The scout hut. LAUGHTER
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- OK, I need an answer, and I really do need it now. - We're going for David.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22He's trying to double bluff me at the end.
0:22:22 > 0:22:27- So I'm going to go with David.- So you're saying it's David.- And if it is David, I'll be so happy now.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- You're saying it's David. - I think David.- Pauline, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:22:31 > 0:22:32My name is Pauline.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I am Greg's mother, and...
0:22:34 > 0:22:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Yes, Pauline is Greg's mum,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49and she did cheer him on when he had his first ever fight.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52It must have been awful to see him fighting.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- Wonderful.- Wonderful?
0:22:54 > 0:22:55LAUGHTER
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- Thank you very much, Pauline. - You're welcome.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58APPLAUSE
0:23:01 > 0:23:03So at the end of that round,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Lee's team are in the lead by three points to one.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07APPLAUSE
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- We start with... - BUZZER
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Bob.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21I can break an apple in half with my bare hands.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22LAUGHTER
0:23:22 > 0:23:23David's team.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26What is your technique?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- I take it in the hands.- Yes.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30LAUGHTER Are your hands bare at this point?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Of course they're bare.- Yes.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Friction's very much part of this, um, this equation.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40You must pull it, um... I'm going to say east to west.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44A lot of people think you need to twist, you don't need to twist.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47- You don't need to twist? - You don't need to. - You just pull apart.- Pull apart.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- How do you get the whole apple apart?- How do you get the grip?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Won't your hands just slide away from it?
0:23:53 > 0:23:54I'd have thought you'd need to twist.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59If you twist, you fail. Twisting equals tears.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03LAUGHTER So you just grip the apple in your hand,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06and then fling them apart, and you have two half apples.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08- No, I rip it apart.- Yeah.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12The way you were miming it then, there's like downward pressure from the thumbs,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14almost as if you're trying to open it like a book.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Yeah.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Is that, is that what it's like, cos I, I can believe that more than the, just, grip, bang!
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Yes... No, David, that's fair enough, yes.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24So you're almost like, you circle....
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Oh, but I so wish it was bang, and it's not.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32No, you're inserting the thumbs to try and pull it apart that way.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- No insertion.- All right. - No but, but...- Downward pressure.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37That's the grip, downward pressure...
0:24:37 > 0:24:38And there it is.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40LAUGHTER Yeah.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44So where are the thumbs, are the thumbs either side of the stalk?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47They're here, you know where the thumbs are, David!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- Where are the thumbs, are the thumbs either side of the stalk?- Yes.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52No insertion or penetration, just...
0:24:52 > 0:24:58- Absolutely none, no, the thumbs are used for gripping, not for ripping. - Yes.- That's what I was told.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:25:00 > 0:25:02And if you remember that...
0:25:02 > 0:25:04He's just come up with a catchphrase!
0:25:05 > 0:25:09If you can remember that, you too will be parting apples.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10PATSY LAUGHS
0:25:10 > 0:25:14- How long have you done this for? - I have done it for a long time.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17What I used to do, to entertain,
0:25:17 > 0:25:21was I used to take hard boiled eggs, peel them, I can still do it,
0:25:21 > 0:25:24and I could take the shell off in one,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27and you actually peel the membrane rather than trying to,
0:25:27 > 0:25:31don't go rough handed, and don't, you know, take your time, obviously.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32LAUGHTER
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- And when did you...?- You do... That's the correct way to present.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36PATSY: Yeah!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38With an apple, it's this.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER
0:25:40 > 0:25:43When did you first discover that you could do the apple?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45How did it come about, how did it come to be?
0:25:45 > 0:25:50- I can't remember the first time I did it.- Can't remember? - I can remember the feeling.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52LAUGHTER
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- But I can't remember the first. - LAUGHTER
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- GREG:- What was the feeling?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59The feeling was magnificent.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00PATSY LAUGHS
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Right, er, David.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Um, is that, is that the truth?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07I don't think so, but it could be.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Can we leave it at that?
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Yes, that's fine. OK, on to the next round. Um... No, we can't.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I agree, I'd love to see him, I hope it's true, then they'll make him do it.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- Yeah.- I'd love to see it.- Yeah.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20If it's not true...
0:26:20 > 0:26:22- LEE:- Make him do it anyway! - Will they make him try?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24LAUGHTER
0:26:24 > 0:26:26So what's it going to be?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- GREG:- I really want it to be true, but it isn't true, I don't think.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30You can't pull an apple apart, can you?
0:26:30 > 0:26:34You can't just rip it in half, I, I so want you to be able to.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- If you and I can't, surely... - And I can't. LAUGHTER
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I've never tried.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- BOB:- Have you ever tried? - If I had an apple here, and I can have a few goes.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Well, I think if those two can't do it, David, with the greatest respect...
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- LAUGHTER - It's highly unlikely you're going to pull it off.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I have tremendously, frighteningly strong hands,
0:26:50 > 0:26:51as I've found out to my own cost.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52LAUGHTER
0:26:54 > 0:26:56APLAUSE
0:26:56 > 0:27:00- RICHARD:- Stop right there. - So you think it's a lie, then? - I'm afraid I do, yeah.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- OK, well I'll go with the giants. - You're going to say it's a lie. - It's a lie.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08All right, you're saying it's a lie. Bob, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I was telling the truth.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- Ah!- Ah!
0:27:12 > 0:27:13APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- Yes! - GREG CHANTS:- Prove it, prove it!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Well, well...
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Guess what I've got...
0:27:20 > 0:27:22..under the desk...
0:27:22 > 0:27:24My trusty box of apples.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26LAUGHTER
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- It's a proper apple, ready, Bob? - Yes.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- It's a big one.- Thank you.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- LAUGHTER - Not you, not you, him.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Does your husband play cricket?
0:27:38 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER
0:27:42 > 0:27:44I love that sort of thing.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45LKAUHGTER
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Where shall I do it?
0:27:49 > 0:27:50LAUGHTER
0:27:50 > 0:27:52I really hope he can't do it!
0:27:52 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER
0:27:54 > 0:27:56- Yay!- Whoa!
0:27:56 > 0:27:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Oh, yes!
0:28:03 > 0:28:04BUZZER
0:28:04 > 0:28:07And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show,
0:28:07 > 0:28:11and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by four points to one.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12- APPLAUSE - Finally!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17But it's not just a team game,
0:28:17 > 0:28:22and my individual liar of the week this week is Richard Osman.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25APPLAUSE
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Yes, Richard Osman, he's nothing but a liar,
0:28:27 > 0:28:30which means that the thousands of people who lost on Pointless
0:28:30 > 0:28:33thanks to his adjudication skills can now seek compensation.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34- LAUGHTER - Goodnight!
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd