0:00:27 > 0:00:30Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
0:00:30 > 0:00:34the show with fantastical fibs and tantalising truths.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36And on David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39a news presenter whose accent has been described as sexy
0:00:39 > 0:00:43and like warm honey, or put another way, Welsh.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Huw Edwards!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:51And the star of the Sarah Millican Television Programme,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I'll keep you in suspense no longer, it's Sarah Millican!
0:00:54 > 0:00:57APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:00And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:01:00 > 0:01:02an actress who can convince you of anything.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05She told me earlier she's delighted to be on Lee's team.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07It's Josie Lawrence.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13And a comedian, actor and former professional footballer who used
0:01:13 > 0:01:16to play with the likes of Beckham, Lineker and Shearer,
0:01:16 > 0:01:20and if Burt Beckham, Arthur Lineker and Frank Shearer are watching,
0:01:20 > 0:01:21he says hi.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23It's Bradley Walsh.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29So we begin with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists
0:01:29 > 0:01:32read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34To make things harder they've never seen the card before
0:01:34 > 0:01:38so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction,
0:01:40 > 0:01:42and Sarah is first up.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Sarah.
0:01:43 > 0:01:49When I'm feeling tired I photograph myself to see how tired I look.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53I then compare this photograph with other photographs I've taken
0:01:53 > 0:01:58of myself when I felt tired to see how tired I really am.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Lee's team, what do you think?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04When, when did this begin, Sarah?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Probably three or four years ago.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09How?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Boredom.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16The first time you did it what brought that on?
0:02:16 > 0:02:20I think I was just taking photos of things in the flat
0:02:20 > 0:02:23and then thought I'd take a photo of myself.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25When you say tired, do you feel your eyes are...
0:02:25 > 0:02:26or just a little bit tired?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Well, it depends, it can depend.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Sometimes I'm a little bit tired, sometimes I'm really, really tired.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34If you're wearing glasses and taking photographs, of course,
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- that would disguise the tiredness in your eyes...- Do you want me to take them off now?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Yes, please do, yes.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Just do a pretend one for us, Sarah, that's it.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45To be fair, she looks absolutely knackered.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48You look... Do that face again.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51What would you give yourself from one to ten, if one is not tired...
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I can't see it, that's why I take the photo!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55LAUGHTER
0:02:55 > 0:02:57APPLAUSE
0:02:59 > 0:03:02When you look at these pictures how do they make you feel?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Well, sometimes if I think I'm really tired
0:03:04 > 0:03:08and I take a photo of myself and then I compare it
0:03:08 > 0:03:12with another much earlier tired one that seems to be more tired,
0:03:12 > 0:03:13then I feel better.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Whilst you're asleep, do you ever go...
0:03:17 > 0:03:20HE SNORES ..and not realise you've done it?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23No, I eat a lot in the night but I've never taken a photo.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Not as you're sleeping though, Sarah, surely?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30You're not shovelling it in from the bedside table as you sleep?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33No, but I do wake up in the morning with less biscuits than I thought I had.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35So what are you going to say, Lee?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Is this the truth or has she made it up?
0:03:37 > 0:03:38I think it's true.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Josie thinks it's true.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I think she's lying and I think it's a lie
0:03:41 > 0:03:46because I don't think Sarah's that ridiculous or that vain.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Well, we're in trouble if it's true then, aren't we?!
0:03:51 > 0:03:53So, Lee, what are you going to say?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I'll say... I'll go with Josie, say it's true.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57You're going to say it's true, right.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Sarah, was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01It was...
0:04:01 > 0:04:02true.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Ah, very good well played.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Yeah.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11And the exciting thing is...
0:04:11 > 0:04:14not only is it true, we have the evidence.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Take a look at this.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Now, Sarah, how do you rate... How do you rate that one?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23That's a good seven out of ten.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27You know, that's been a hell of a day, hasn't it?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30All right, let's go on now to snap number two.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32LAUGHTER
0:04:32 > 0:04:34That's different cos that's happy tired.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Can you see? - That's happy tired?!- Yes.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Let's have a look at number three.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Were you on a drip there?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- Were you being kept alive in that one?- That is the worst one!
0:04:48 > 0:04:52I couldn't even be bothered to hide my bra strap.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Yes, it's true, Sarah does photograph herself
0:04:55 > 0:04:57to see how tired she looks.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59I'm terrible after a late night. You know, some mornings
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I barely recognise the old man looking back at me in the mirror,
0:05:02 > 0:05:06or remember why I invited him home in the first place.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Right, Huw, you're next.
0:05:09 > 0:05:14I have an evil eye that I use on my colleagues during broadcasts
0:05:14 > 0:05:16when I want them to move on.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Now when you say your colleagues, who in particular?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Cos don't you read the news on your own?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- It's a very lonely job. - You mean correspondents, don't you?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- Colleagues who might be correspondents.- Nick Robinson?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Oh, I see!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Robert Peston for example.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36People who come in to drone on about something endlessly.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39All right, well, Lee I'll tell you what, you be a correspondent.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- I'll be a correspondent.- So I'll...
0:05:41 > 0:05:42And then Huw, do your evil eye.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45You mentioned Robert Peston going on and on about
0:05:45 > 0:05:48the world coming to an end, I've got to stop him talking.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Right, in news today, we believe that there's a chance that the...
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Oh, my God!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55That's it.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Do it again!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59You've got to start again, I can't do it in silence.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Today the icecaps were melting once again and we've found...
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- That's not what a correspondent says.- That's true.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06A correspondent doesn't say "In the news today"!
0:06:06 > 0:06:07You've got to talk about the euro.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Oh, I'm sorry, David(!)
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I'm sorry, I didn't realise there was going to have to be method!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Talk about the euro and do it with some level of insight for God's sake!
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I will, I will! Today...
0:06:18 > 0:06:19- "Today"?!- Today, yes!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21All right, tomorrow!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23"We're now going to our correspondent, TODAY"!
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Why are you saying "today"?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26All right, forget it!
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Tomorrow, do you know what I heard? That the euro....
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Good, it is good.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35David can't see it. Do it to David.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36There are gradations of it, OK.
0:06:36 > 0:06:41David, wait, do it properly. Pretend you're a sports correspondent.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43LAUGHTER
0:06:44 > 0:06:46You're talking about the Carling Cup Final last year, David.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Today...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Not today, not today.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- Today...- No, no today!
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Today in the football, once again, they were kicking it...
0:06:55 > 0:06:56- Oh, God!- It does work.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01It does work. Some of them are very, very resistant to it.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03You are the BBC version of Medusa, are you not?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07I have to stop these people, they have to be stopped.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08LAUGHTER
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- You said there are gradations. - That's right.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14So, OK, let's see minor irritation.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- Did you see that? - Well, it's barely noticeable.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Well, exactly. - That's a nervous twitch surely.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- No, it's not.- OK, medium?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- That's good. I like that. - OK, and then full on.
0:07:26 > 0:07:31If I angle the head down, that is serious, it really is.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- If you're really not interested do you raise both eyebrows?- No!
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- It's going to backfire, isn't it? - No, there's a different one I use.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41He's fascinated by this!
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Wow, this is interesting!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45There's always the "turn your back on them" technique
0:07:45 > 0:07:49which I have used as well, but Robert Peston still carries on.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50You don't really turn on him.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Oh, I have done. So, Rob you're now Robert Peston.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54So you say "quantitative easing".
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Quantitative easing, will it work? It's hard to say, Huw.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01And at the end of the day we won't know until Tuesday
0:08:01 > 0:08:04when the Chancellor is going to give us his report.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Now, word is that that report is going to contain
0:08:06 > 0:08:08many of the ingredients...
0:08:08 > 0:08:10APPLAUSE
0:08:10 > 0:08:13..but until it's released we won't know and don't forget
0:08:13 > 0:08:16that there's always the opportunity for the Shadow Chancellor
0:08:16 > 0:08:17to put forward his proposal.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20We won't know until Wednesday. Why Wednesday, you ask?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Well, Wednesday is the day when the report will be presented.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28- Our Business Editor, Rob Brydon, thank you very much indeed. - Thank you very much.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31So, what do we think? You think it's true?
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Lie, lie, lie.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33You think it's a lie?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36He's too lovely, he really is.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40- He's like a big, old, cuddly Welsh bear.- Old?!
0:08:40 > 0:08:45I mean old in the loveliest sense rather than in the old sense.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Lie.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49You think it's a lie? Why lie, Bradley, why lie?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Because you can.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53No, I mean why do you think this is a lie?!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:59He's a very solitary person on television.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I see Huw in my living room, he's on his own.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02He's never given me the evil eye.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04So truth or lie?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Lie. OK, my team say lie.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07You say it's a lie.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Huw, was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:09:10 > 0:09:15You should know that I am programmed by the BBC to tell the truth.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17APPLAUSE
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Wow, yes, it's true.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Different news presenters have their own little techniques,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Fiona Bruce will incline her head to one side.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Emily Maitlis will cough, and Jeremy Paxman will grab you
0:09:31 > 0:09:34by the lapels and tell you to "shut it" or he'll glass you.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Bradley, you're next. - Oh, OK, here we go.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Whilst fulfilling a lifelong dream
0:09:44 > 0:09:46of swimming with dolphins,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49I had to punch one of them on the nose
0:09:49 > 0:09:53because I firmly believed it was trying to remove my trunks.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55David.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Where and when?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Florida.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59When?
0:10:01 > 0:10:032005.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07- 2005.- Yes. - What was this dolphin doing?
0:10:07 > 0:10:11You're swimming along... I've never swum with dolphins.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12He's getting off on this!
0:10:12 > 0:10:16I want it as arousing as possible!
0:10:16 > 0:10:20And a blow by blow, if it came to that,
0:10:20 > 0:10:22account of what this particular
0:10:22 > 0:10:26saucy bottlenose did around your trunks.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28OK, erm...
0:10:28 > 0:10:30LEE MIMICS DOLPHIN CALL
0:10:30 > 0:10:31LAUGHTER
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- Don't!- Get 'em off!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39- Get 'em off!- Lee, please stop,
0:10:39 > 0:10:43because I have nightmares about it. I have flashbacks! Flashbacks.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46You have to hold onto the dolphin's fins, like this,
0:10:46 > 0:10:50and they propel you across the water so you're in tandem with dolphins.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- Is it in the sea? - It was like a SeaWorld place.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56And I was being propelled across the water,
0:10:56 > 0:10:58or dragged across the water, by these dolphins.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- Holding them by the dorsal fins. - Indeed. I got to the other side
0:11:01 > 0:11:04of the tank that we were in,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07and one swam left and the other one came round
0:11:07 > 0:11:10and was poking me in the back.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13So, consequently, the lady
0:11:13 > 0:11:18- who was there...- The lady dolphin? - No, not the lady dolphin.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21You know, the instructor lady, she said, "Just shoo him away."
0:11:21 > 0:11:23So I went, "Shoo, shoo!"
0:11:23 > 0:11:27But he wouldn't go and all of the sudden, it actually
0:11:27 > 0:11:30ran its nose down the back...
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I've got a crevice in my spine,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36right the way down, and my trunks started to go south.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38When you say you've got a crevice in your spine,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41you're not getting mixed up with the bottom, are you?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44As I turned round, I went like that
0:11:44 > 0:11:46and caught the dolphin right
0:11:46 > 0:11:48on the nose and it startled the dolphin
0:11:48 > 0:11:51and the dolphin swam off.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- You been back to SeaWorld in the meantime?- Yes, I've been back.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Swimming with dolphins again, after that rousing experience?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I went with a charity.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- What had happened to you? Did you have an illness?- No, I didn't.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05LAUGHTER
0:12:06 > 0:12:09So what are you thinking, David?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Which way are you leaning?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14It's pervy and a bit creepy, isn't it?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16But it's perfectly believable.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Never mind the other two on your team! What do you think?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Perfectly believable!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24I didn't believe it at all to start with, and now I believe it a bit.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26But it is disgusting.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Disgusting!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31He seems quite ashamed of it, which makes me think it might be true.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35He's a good-looking fella! I can see what they were thinking!
0:12:35 > 0:12:36We think it's true.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38The team are in agreement.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41OK, Bradley Walsh,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43were you telling us the truth, or was it a lie?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45HE SIGHS HEAVILY
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Rob Brydon, it's a total lie!
0:12:49 > 0:12:50APPLAUSE
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Yes, it's a lie.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Bradley didn't punch a dolphin on the nose,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01because he believed it was trying to remove his trunks.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:13:04 > 0:13:07who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:13:09 > 0:13:12who has a genuine connection to the guest and it's up
0:13:12 > 0:13:15to David's team to spot who's telling the truth. So, please welcome
0:13:15 > 0:13:17this week's special guest - Paul.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19APPLAUSE
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Right, Bradley, what is Paul to you?
0:13:27 > 0:13:32This is Paul, my school friend,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35who loved mashed potato
0:13:35 > 0:13:40so much, that I used to steal it off teachers' plates for him.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41LAUGHTER
0:13:41 > 0:13:44OK, Josie, how do you know Paul?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47This is Paul and he taught me
0:13:47 > 0:13:48the carrot technique
0:13:48 > 0:13:50for giving up smoking.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Finally, Lee, your relationship to Paul?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55This is my milkman, Paul.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I came down one morning to find
0:13:57 > 0:14:01he'd left 88 pints of milk on my doorstep.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06So, there we are. Bradley's Mr Potato Head,
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Josie's carrot counsellor
0:14:08 > 0:14:10or Lee's mixed-up milkman. David, where do you start?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13All right, mashed potato? Why did you see it as your role
0:14:13 > 0:14:17to obtain mashed potato for Paul?
0:14:17 > 0:14:18MOMENTARY SILENCE
0:14:18 > 0:14:20LAUGHTER
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Because he loved mashed potato so much,
0:14:25 > 0:14:27and I was his friend,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29and he wasn't brave enough.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32How did you steal it without the teachers noticing?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35PENSIVE SILENCE
0:14:35 > 0:14:36LAUGHTER
0:14:36 > 0:14:40I stole it when the teachers weren't looking.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43AUDIENCE LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY
0:14:43 > 0:14:46How many teachers did you steal mashed potato from,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48and on how many separate occasions?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Described the scale and nature of the scam!
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Five years I've had this!
0:14:56 > 0:14:57RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:15:01What happened was,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03the teachers' dinners
0:15:03 > 0:15:08- had mashed potato on them.- Were the pupils allowed no mashed potato?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Was mashed potato the luxury item, available only to teachers?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13No, not necessarily.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- Not necessarily?- No, no.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18On some days?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Some days we would have mashed potato.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23I had a very privileged upbringing, where mashed potato
0:15:23 > 0:15:25was available to teachers and pupils alike.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Not a day goes by, when I don't give thanks for that!
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Some days we had no mashed potato, and, erm...
0:15:33 > 0:15:36DAVID PROMPTING: Paul...
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Paul...
0:15:37 > 0:15:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Rob, how come I never get a newsreader?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52We would have lunch in the dining area.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55The teachers that were looking after us in that dining area,
0:15:55 > 0:15:59would then swap over and have their lunch later than us.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- Right.- The plates of dinner going to the other teachers
0:16:02 > 0:16:04had mash on them.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06And somewhere else
0:16:06 > 0:16:10in the school, other than the dining room, we'd take the mash.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Right.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Just sum up for us,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16how you got the mashed potato
0:16:16 > 0:16:20off the teacher's plate and onto Paul's plate.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I hijacked
0:16:23 > 0:16:26the canteen trolley thing.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28On a trolley, so it's an industrial quantity of mash
0:16:28 > 0:16:30you're moving around here, yeah?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Is that right?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Would you like to move on with your enquiries?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Josie, what is the carrot method?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Paul, bless him, is my plumber.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45And is... I've known him for about ten years now.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I do like a cheeky ciggie every now and then.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51About two months ago, he came and did
0:16:51 > 0:16:53a tap in my utility room,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56and I said, "Paul", when I gave him a cup of tea,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58I said, "You know you can have a fag in this house."
0:16:58 > 0:17:01He said, "I don't do it any more, but I'll show you what I do."
0:17:01 > 0:17:04And he had a packet of ciggies with a little plastic bag thing,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06and little sticks of carrots.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08And he nibbled them.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- So you don't smoke the carrots?- No!
0:17:10 > 0:17:11No!
0:17:11 > 0:17:15So it's quite simple, every time you fancy a cigarette,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18just nibble on a carrot.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20But for some reason, because I've tried before,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22just having the packet with you...
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- So you put them in the cigarette packet? - Yes, that was his little technique.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I was trying to give up heroin once,
0:17:28 > 0:17:30and carried round a little tub of hummus.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I found that worked.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Right, what about Lee's story?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37When was this?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39It was about six weeks ago.
0:17:39 > 0:17:4288 bottles? Glass bottles?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Glass bottles of milk.- And how were they arranged on the doorstep?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- In the shape of a cow! What does that matter?- It does.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I'm just trying to picture the scene. Where were they arranged?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- On the door, 88 bottles of milk. - Where were they?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Where were they? On the doorstep, around the doorstep...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- You've got a very big doorstep. - Let me finish.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01On the doorstep, around the doorstep,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03around the side,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06up the bit that I have at the side of my house.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- The colour of the foil on the milk bottles? - The colour of the foil? Blue.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Blue? Which means what?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14It means that it's full-fat.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I didn't think anybody drank full-fat any more.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Is this the bit you doubt about this story?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22I had 88 bottles of milk on my doorstep.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- That's fine. That's champion. - Full-fat?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Are you bonkers?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28How many had you ordered?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I had ordered... Well I thought I had ordered eight.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- You thought you'd ordered... that's a lot.- Eight pints?
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Of full-fat milk.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Why did you want eight pints of full-fat milk?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Because I had friends staying over.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Who liked milkshakes?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I ordered online, I made a mistake.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I meant to put eight bottles and I hit it and put 88 in the box.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- That's what happened.- And Paul didn't question that at all?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Nobody questioned that you wanted 88 bottles of milk.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Yeah, because what happened, I put 88, double clicked,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02and then his face came up on screen and went, "You sure, guv'nor?"
0:19:04 > 0:19:07"I mean, come on, Lee, 88 bottles of milk?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10"What are you talking about, eh?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13"I'll go back down, have another go."
0:19:13 > 0:19:15He doesn't get involved in the admin,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17he looks at the list and delivers the milk.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Fair enough.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19When does Paul deliver?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22What time?
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Oh, it's quite early, Huw.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25So, how many bottles did you say? 80?
0:19:25 > 0:19:2788 on this particular occasion.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30And he did it silently on the doorstep, you didn't wake up at all?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33You heard no big clanking going on, back and forth
0:19:33 > 0:19:35and back and forth to the milk float? No?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38It was in, he's got, he's a... He's a professional.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40We call him the ninja milkman.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42OK, talk us through the event.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44You open the front door, what happens?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I saw 88 bottles of milk.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Ah, yeah, and what happened then? What happened?
0:19:49 > 0:19:50I went, "Love!"
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Not to him, obviously he's gone.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I said, "Er, darling,"
0:19:54 > 0:19:57cos I don't say "love", that'd be far too working class and northern,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00"Darling, heavens above, the milkman's left 88 bottles of milk again,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02"what an absolute blaggard."
0:20:02 > 0:20:03How long did it take you
0:20:03 > 0:20:07to get through this supply, till you got rid of them all, or what did you do then?
0:20:07 > 0:20:11We didn't get through them all before they'd gone off.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12We gave some to the cat.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Actually, I'm lucky because I've got a lion.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19OK, we need an answer, so David's team, is Paul
0:20:19 > 0:20:24Bradley's Mr Potato Head, Josie's carrot counsellor
0:20:24 > 0:20:26or Lee's mixed-up milkman?
0:20:26 > 0:20:30I don't understand why you'd have full fat in this day and age.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Think of your heart, flower.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33I get semi-skimmed.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34I get semi-skimmed.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I get semi-skimmed.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I think everyone gets semi-skimmed.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Everybody gets semi-skimmed. Semi-skimmed? Yes.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I think it's Bradley.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43LAUGHTER
0:20:43 > 0:20:45No, I think you might be right.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46- It was so bad.- Yeah.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Yeah, it was so bad.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48It's got to be right.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Bradley's technique to basically collapse in front of us
0:20:51 > 0:20:54meant we didn't really get any information either way out of him.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55He's just...
0:20:55 > 0:20:58And he has, he has a whiff of a thief about him as well, doesn't he?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00LAUGHTER
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Yeah, yeah.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04OK, so, Paul, would you please reveal your true identity.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08I'm Paul and Bradley used to steal potatoes for me.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Thank you very much, Paul.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Thank you very much.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22APPLAUSE
0:21:22 > 0:21:28Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies and we start with...
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Lee.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I can tell if someone drinks mainly tea or coffee
0:21:33 > 0:21:35just by listening to their stomach.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Right, David's team, what do you think?
0:21:38 > 0:21:39How? How?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Yeah, how?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Well, there's a certain rumble to your coffee drinker.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Oh, come on.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49It's the slightest thing that only someone with a sensitive ear like mine would hear.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Can you reproduce the rumble yourself?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- What did you say? - Can you reproduce the...
0:21:54 > 0:21:55LAUGHTER
0:21:55 > 0:21:57The eyebrow's gone up.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Oh, sorry, Huw, what was the question?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03I said, can you reproduce the rumble in some kind of form,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05give us a sense of whether it's resonant
0:22:05 > 0:22:08or a bit of a squeaky rumble, what kind of rumble is it?
0:22:08 > 0:22:09I would say that
0:22:09 > 0:22:13the drinkers of coffee have a rumble that I can only describe as,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15imagine a small fish passing wind...
0:22:15 > 0:22:17LAUGHTER
0:22:17 > 0:22:19..but you've got a stethoscope to the glass.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22It's just, it's the mildest of rumbles and as I say,
0:22:22 > 0:22:24only a trained ear would hear.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Whereas the tea drinker's rumble?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Much... I mean, for hardly ever, hardly ever.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- I mean it's to do with the... - What, they rumble less, tea drinkers?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34The tea drinkers have less of a rumble than the coffee drinkers.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Cos I'm a tea drinker and I rumble loads.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Good job you don't drink coffee, you'd be all over the place.- Really?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42But surely they're both the same amount of liquid,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44so I don't understand why a difference.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- Well, I'm glad you asked me that, Sarah. Finally, a sensible question. - Yes.- You're welcome.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50It's to do, apparently, with...
0:22:50 > 0:22:52It's not the actual and I genuinely don't know what it is,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54but it's to do with something that's in coffee.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55I believe you.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57It's something that's in coffee that's not in tea.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59And it isn't coffee.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- Right.- It's my party trick, so I'll say, "Do you want tea or coffee?"
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Then I go, "In fact, don't tell me," and I'll get down on my knee,
0:23:06 > 0:23:11I'll lean in like that and er, I'll go, "I'm guessing coffee."
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Could you do that to Bradley or Josie and say which they prefer?
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Why don't I do it to you, David, cos I think that's what you want.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Finally, some physical contact between us.- I know.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Let's just get this out of the way.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I'm desperate to get your ear on my bare skin,
0:23:26 > 0:23:30but no, do it to, to, do it to, to Josie.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34No, I want to do it to you.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38It's a "will they, won't they" panel game and finally it comes to this.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I could do it to everybody.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Are you going to do us all?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Bovril.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER
0:23:48 > 0:23:49OK.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Breathe in.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54HUW INHALES DEEPLY
0:23:54 > 0:23:56LAUGHTER
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Oop, news just in.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01LAUGHTER
0:24:02 > 0:24:04There's a definite rumble there, you're a tea drinker.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I thought you said coffee drinkers rumble more.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- There's a rumble but it's not the rumble... It's the mild rumble. - Yeah?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13LAUGHTER
0:24:15 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- That was lovely. That was really lovely. - Oh, yeah, yes.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Do you know what, I can't make my mind up, I'll have to check again.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Got a very warm ear.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39It's tea.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Now, I have a different system for the ladies.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44LAUGHTER
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- Do you mind if I... - Not at all. - ..press my ear to this.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I'll lift them up so you can get in.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Do you promise you'll keep them up till I'm away?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55No, I'm going to thunk them on your head.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Don't put them on top. I don't want to be forced to the ground.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I'm going to put them on your head.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Dunk!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03LAUGHTER
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Yeah, see, you're an interesting one because you've got a bit of both,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09so it's almost as if there's, it's like you don't drink tea or coffee,
0:25:09 > 0:25:10- I'm getting from you.- OK.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I'm getting you don't drink tea or coffee,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I'm getting you drink tea, I'm getting you drink tea,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18so that's what I would say, so you now know whether it's true or a lie.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Now, what we need to know is did he get those right?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24There's no sense on what these rumbles actually sound like.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26I need to sort of get a sound.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29OK, I'll try and do the sound.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33David as a tea drinker was the mild rumble, a sort of...
0:25:33 > 0:25:35HE MAKES A QUIET TICKING SOUND
0:25:35 > 0:25:36LAUGHTER
0:25:36 > 0:25:37HE MAKES A TICKING SOUND
0:25:37 > 0:25:39HE MAKES A POPPING SOUND
0:25:39 > 0:25:41LAUGHTER
0:25:41 > 0:25:43So, David, are you a tea drinker? Is he right?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I am a tea drinker, but I...
0:25:45 > 0:25:46No way! How did I do it?
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Can you confirm to the audience that we've never met.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54I think Lee probably got it by listening to the rumbles of my stomach,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57or he might have got it from my saying I'm a tea drinker
0:25:57 > 0:25:59several moments beforehand, one or the other.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02It could have been that, you never know with this kind of weird thing.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03What about you, Huw?
0:26:03 > 0:26:07I'm not saying UHU, what about, what about you, Huw?
0:26:07 > 0:26:11It's a very complex picture with me, and you know, it's tea and coffee.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12No, but it's mainly tea.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- It depends on the time of day. - It's mainly tea with you, don't lie to me, Huw.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Have you had a coffee? Have you had tea this evening, Huw, or coffee? What have you had? Be honest.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21I've had a tea.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Well, there you are, you see. He knows what he's doing.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Brilliant, even the audience are clapping now, I'm loving this.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Now, with me you said it was either one or the other.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33No, I said you're not really a big tea or coffee drinker
0:26:33 > 0:26:35but occasionally you'll have a tea.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36I drink a lot of tea.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38No, you don't.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39- To be fair, I've got... - LAUGHTER
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I've got a lot of underwear on, so that might have spoiled it.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Ah, it doesn't work with underwear. I didn't say, but it doesn't work with underwear.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50- You should have said, I would have taken it off. - I didn't, yeah, that was a...
0:26:50 > 0:26:52What about the noise of the coffee then?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54The coffee rumble is a lot more like a...
0:26:54 > 0:26:56HE MAKES A MUTTERING SOUND
0:26:56 > 0:26:57LAUGHTER
0:26:57 > 0:26:58HE REPEATS THE SOUND
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Like that, that's the only way to describe it.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- I mean, I can't make the noise of a... - HE REPEATS THE SOUND
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Can I suggest that that would be a better party trick?
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Don't call my, my, my skill a trick, Sarah.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11It's a... I find it a curse I've had to live with all my life.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13LAUGHTER
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- So what do you think, David? - What do you think, Huw?
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I'm trained to spot liars in my life. That's my job.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22It's something I can do with a kind of unerring sort of sense of certainty.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Why are we losing then?
0:27:23 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER
0:27:24 > 0:27:28It's, it's erm, it's not working tonight.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32- Oh, right. - On this one I just think it's unlikely, isn't it?
0:27:32 > 0:27:36And however much fun it was to thwack one of my boobs on his head,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38erm, I still think it's a lie.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40That was just one?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42LAUGHTER
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Yes!
0:27:44 > 0:27:45So what are you saying, David?
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- We're going to say it's a lie. - You think it's a lie, OK.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Lee, was that the truth or were you lying?
0:27:51 > 0:27:52It is in fact true.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54No, it's not, it's a lie.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57APPLAUSE
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Yes, it's a lie.
0:27:59 > 0:28:05Lee can't tell if someone drinks mainly tea or coffee just by listening to their stomach.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- BUZZER GOES OFF - Oh, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to two.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14APPLAUSE
0:28:14 > 0:28:16But it's not just a team game
0:28:16 > 0:28:20and my individual Liar Of The Week this week is Huw Edwards.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23APPLAUSE
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Yes, Huw Edwards,
0:28:26 > 0:28:30who's been less genuine than an email from a Nigerian billionaire.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Goodnight.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.