0:00:25 > 0:00:28Good evening and welcome to a very special edition
0:00:28 > 0:00:32of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie To You.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Joining David Mitchell tonight -
0:00:34 > 0:00:39Dermot O'Leary, Kirsty Young, Stephen Mangan, Sarah Millican,
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Richard Osman, Isy Suttie, Greg Rutherford,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Joan Bakewell, Jason Manford,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Susan Calman, Mel Giedroyc and Jon Richardson,
0:00:49 > 0:00:52and joining Lee Mack tonight -
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Warwick Davis, Josh Widdicombe, David Harewood,
0:00:55 > 0:01:01Matt Dawson, Carol Kirkwood, Bob Mortimer, Paul Hollywood,
0:01:01 > 0:01:06Joanna Scanlan, David O'Doherty, Charles Dance and Gok Wan.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09And so to Round One, Home Truths,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11where our panellists each read out a statement
0:01:11 > 0:01:13from the card in front of them.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18so they've no idea what they'll be faced with
0:01:18 > 0:01:21and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Charles is first up.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Whenever I answer the house phone
0:01:28 > 0:01:30and it's someone I don't wish to speak to,
0:01:30 > 0:01:36I take a message, and pretend I am my fictional handyman Sean.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40David.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44So, do you answer in Sean's voice all the time,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47so that in case it's someone you don't want to speak to?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I leave a pause and wait for the person on the other end
0:01:50 > 0:01:51to say, "Hello?".
0:01:51 > 0:01:54You answer the phone with silence?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57And I can usually tell by the "hello"
0:01:57 > 0:01:59whether it's somebody I wish to speak to
0:01:59 > 0:02:02and if I'm not in the mood to speak to anybody, you know, I say,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:- "No, I'm sorry Charles isn't home, now,
0:02:05 > 0:02:08"try calling back later, you know?"
0:02:08 > 0:02:10What part of Scotland is Sean from?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- He's from the West side of Belfast.- Ah.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Charles, if you don't want to speak to anyone at all, why pick up the phone?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Well, it's a kind of obsessive thing, you know,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26with the insecurity that actors have, you know, you think,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"Oh, my God, might be a job," you know, I just...
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- Well, let's give it a try, I'll ring you, OK?- Yeah.- OK.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Brr-brr, brr-brr.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Has he not bought a telephone since 1983?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Hello...hello?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Charles? Hello?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: - Hey, no, this is not Charles. Charles isn't home at the moment,
0:02:52 > 0:02:56but if you'd like to leave your number, er, I'll get him
0:02:56 > 0:02:58to call you back when, when he's back, yeah?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Charles, are you ill?
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Charles! Charles, I'm calling for an ambulance now.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13It's all right, get in the recovery position.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Oh, God, I'm on my way!
0:03:17 > 0:03:21So, what are you thinking, Stephen Mangan?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I can't see that, who picks up the phone and doesn't say "hello"?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26It's an innate human instinct, isn't it?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29You can't pick up the phone and go...
0:03:32 > 0:03:33.."Hello, I'm Sean," I just...
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Isy, what do you think?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I don't think you just pick up the phone and not say anything he might,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42the person might be able to hear you breathing, it all gets a bit creepy.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Which way are you going to go with this, David?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- Well, I think, we don't think it's true.- You think it's a lie.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49OK, Charles, truth or lie?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Erm, I'm afraid it's a lie.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Joan Bakewell, it's your turn.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Once, when I spotted an ex-boyfriend in a department store,
0:04:03 > 0:04:07I pretended to be a shop mannequin to avoid having to speak to him.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Lee.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Well, I know what I want to see.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Oh, sorry, no, it's probably different.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Sorry, sorry, you want to see the mannequin thing.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Oh, right, oh, yeah, whatever.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Do that, do that, but then we do mine, yeah?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I would like to see the mannequin impression.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Well, I-I... It was in the department
0:04:33 > 0:04:36where they used to, erm, sell a lot of fabrics
0:04:36 > 0:04:41and they used to have mannequins draped in, in just swathes of cloth.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45So, I grabbed a swathe of fabric
0:04:45 > 0:04:49and just draped it across my shoulder, and it, it was full-length.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Where was this? We haven't said where it was.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54It was in Dickins & Jones on Regent Street.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- Oh, lovely. - And when, when was this?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Oh, ah, it's a long time ago, early in the '60s.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Surely you weren't old enough
0:05:00 > 0:05:03to shop on your own in the early '60s, Joan.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07So gallant.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13No, I'm kidding, I believe you. Erm...
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I've said sorry to mannequins before now,
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- in the department stores, I've gone...- Yeah, but what were you doing to them?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24What do you think, Lee, is it the truth?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Warwick, what do you think, do you think there's any...?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- I think she's telling the truth. - Really, do you think?- Yeah, I do.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34The thing for me is, if you're within six to eight foot of an ex,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37and you don't recognise her cos she's static, it just seems a bit...
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I wouldn't, I've never been allowed within eight feet of my exes.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Go on then, I'll say it's a lie.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50OK, they're saying it's a lie. Joan, was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- It's a lie.- Lie!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55How could you, Warwick?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Dermot, you're next.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I sometimes move bowls and plates from the bottom
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- to the top of the pile, so they don't feel left out.- Lee.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10How much time have you got on your hands?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Is this system only for the plates and the bowls, nothing else?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15It's for the side plates, big plates,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17yeah, and your regular bowls.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20So, for example, if there are four that have gone in the dishwasher,
0:06:20 > 0:06:24and there's, say, two left, I like those two guys to be first up next time.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29Which, I do understand, attributes some kind of personality to an inanimate object.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31That's why they put you on David's side.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39How many bowls are there?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41It works with all crockery.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43It wouldn't work with eggcups, though, would it,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- cos they're you couldn't really stack them in the same way.- No.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49That's a good question, would the eggcups at the back be brought to the front?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53- We have two so they get used regularly, they're pretty happy. - How about if you only had two plates?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- Dermot can't have two plates! - Thank you, Rob.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Imagine the sort of dinner parties he has!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Imagine who's coming to those dinner parties -
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Cowell, Walliams, McPartlin, Donnelly.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Ant and Dec, they're using the egg cups as bowls!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11When was the last time, if you can remember,
0:07:11 > 0:07:16that you actually thought, "It's time for a change, let's move these fellas out of the way,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- "let's bring these guys up." How recently would that have been? - Oh, last week.- Really?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Last week, yeah. There was one single plate there
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- and I thought, "When did that guy last get used?"- Yeah.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28I'm thinking at least a fortnight, he's got to go to the top.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Dermot, how do you keep track of how many pills and tablets
0:07:32 > 0:07:35you're meant to take in any... in any one day?
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Do you have a system or does your carer really oversee all of that?
0:07:41 > 0:07:42What does your wife think?
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Weirdly, I only told her about it a couple of weeks ago.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Are you worried that your wife's doing the same thing? And so...
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Yeah...that's a good point.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Dermot, you call them guys, are there no lady plates, lady bowls?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04No, I mean, that's a catch-all term,
0:08:04 > 0:08:08some bowls have a femininity about them, yeah, but, no, I...
0:08:08 > 0:08:12- They're sort of, they're sort of omnisex.- Oh, OK.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- I don't mind being called guys. - Well, you don't, you're only one.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- I know.- You're a guy, yeah.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20It's a very middle-class thing, I think, calling, parents who
0:08:20 > 0:08:23call their children "guys", that always makes you want to vomit.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Yeah. Yeah, it's true, innit.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- "You guys want to help with the washing up?"- Oh, yes!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30The worst one is, "Come on, guys, let's do the washing up,"
0:08:30 > 0:08:32and they go, "You're not my real dad."
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Well, there we are. Lee, what do you think?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Do Dermot's words have the ring of truth about them?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Josh?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I...think...so.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Matt Dawson, which way are you leaning?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Lie.- So, Lee, you have to have the casting vote.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53- We're going to say that it is in fact true.- You're saying true.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Dermot O'Leary, were you telling us the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01I was telling you...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- the truth.- Oh, well done, give it that.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Good show, good show!
0:09:08 > 0:09:10It's David O'Doherty.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16I looked after a neighbour's pet for five days
0:09:16 > 0:09:18before I realised it was dead.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22David Mitchell and team, what do you think?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25OK, what, what was the species of pet?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29His name was Charlie.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32So, initially I thought he was going to be a spaniel, at the very least,
0:09:32 > 0:09:38- and then it turned out that he was a stick insect.- Thanks.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Stick insects, I mean, I'm not an expert, David,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47don't require a huge amount of high-maintenance upkeep.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48What was your role meant to be?
0:09:49 > 0:09:54Step one, greenhouse, eucalyptus...
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- into the cage...- Eucalyptus?!
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- Eucalyptus.- It wasn't a koala bear?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Step two, water, squishy gun, "Squish, squish," five.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09- One, two, three, four, five. - So, you drowned it?
0:10:10 > 0:10:14And because I felt that he might be a bit unhappy,
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I would take him out into the garden for this,
0:10:17 > 0:10:21and when the wind blew, he had little aerials and they'd...
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Do you know what I mean? Just like a stick insect.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25So, I thought he was alive.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Oh, so the wind gave you the impression that it was moving.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32"I'm alive, I'm dead...
0:10:32 > 0:10:35"I'm alive..." That's how you'd know.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40- What's the spraying for?- To simulate the monsoon environment that...
0:10:42 > 0:10:46They come from a part of the world where there's a regular,
0:10:46 > 0:10:47daily, 25-second monsoon?
0:10:50 > 0:10:54I think if I'd taken him out, then I, obviously, would have seen...
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- Out of what?- The cage.- Right.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- The cage?!- Cage?- Cage?!
0:11:01 > 0:11:03He was in a tight metal... You're supposed to be my team!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I know, but I know that's what they're thinking
0:11:06 > 0:11:07so I'm trying to help you on by going,
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- "What, you mean that thing that little sticks could get through, the cage?"- Good question.
0:11:11 > 0:11:17- It was a very tight mesh.- Let's call it a glass cage, or a tank.- No!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- No, they couldn't breathe then. It's a...- No, you don't have a lid on it,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- you have a, actually, no, good point, you have a...- Lee!
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Will you stop designing hutches for stick insects?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32So, how did you eventually know that he was dead?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I was just, I was putting in the eucalyptus
0:11:35 > 0:11:39and removing yesterday's eucalyptus and he was...
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Who'd be eating yesterday's eucalyptus?!
0:11:42 > 0:11:45No, it was, I'd just take it out and he was like this, OK?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48And then when I took it out it brushed past him
0:11:48 > 0:11:50and he just reacted like this.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- And, you know...- Yeah.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- That's a fair description. - So, what are you thinking, David?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Is that truthful or has he made it all up?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I don't think it's truthful because I think stick insects,
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- sort of, live in gangs and aren't as he described...- "Gangs"?!
0:12:13 > 0:12:17- What's the collective noun for lots of stick insects?- Trees. Trees.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Do you two think it's true? Because I'm very happy to defer.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- I would go for, I'd say false. - Susan says "lie", Richard?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- I say "true".- You say "true", David?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Well, I think it's a lie so, you know,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33why not sometimes just say what you think?
0:12:33 > 0:12:34David, they think you're telling a lie.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Were you telling a lie or were you telling the truth?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39This is a 100% trustworthy face
0:12:39 > 0:12:43and it was telling the absolute...truth.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Sorry!
0:12:49 > 0:12:50It's David Mitchell.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57I once got stuck in a cave for an hour after getting the hood
0:12:57 > 0:13:01of my cagoule caught on a stalactite
0:13:01 > 0:13:05in a way I couldn't untwizzle.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Right. Caves and stalactites, Lee Mack's team.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14- Well, the bit that we DEFINITELY believe about that story is "cagoule".- "Cagoule".
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- We're not doubting "cagoule". - Oh, yeah.- Yeah.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21And when, in the last three weeks, did this happen?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25This happened when I was a boy, a child, a human child.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- A boy child?- Boy child! What cave was it?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Er, it was somewhere in France.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- Ah, holiday?- Yes.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Deliberate ploy by parents to get rid of you?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41"Give him the baggy cagoule, find a stalactite, then run."
0:13:42 > 0:13:44And you in... You were in there for an hour?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Yeah, I was I was caught on the...on the stalactite.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48- For an hour?- For an hour, yeah.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Just remember, remind me again, stalactites go down, right?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- Stalactites hang down.- Hang down.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Stalagmites go up and the easy way to remember it...
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- Yeah?- ..is that stalactites have a C in them -
0:13:58 > 0:14:00stala-c-tite, C for ceiling.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Stalagmites, have a G - G for ground.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- No, it's the stalactites come down isn't it?- Tights come down.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07But, tights... Tights go up as well.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10No, they don't. Not when I'm around, love.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Hey, hey!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16But how did you eventually escape?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18My dad came and released me.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- So, you're with your family on this trip?- Well, they were sort of...
0:14:22 > 0:14:24It took them AN HOUR to find you...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I would have thought, if I'd have lost you
0:14:26 > 0:14:29and you'd have been my child, it would have been six or seven days.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- Right, so what are you thinking, Lee, could this be true? - What do you think?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- I'm going to go for a lie. - You think it's a lie.- Hm.- Bob?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Lie for me, Lee.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- Lie.- Lie. David?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- It's a lie.- Yes.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Joanna, you're next.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54I used to vet potential boyfriends by getting them to play me at darts.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58I could tell more about them in one game, than I could on ten dates.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01David?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04So, what was it about their darts-playing,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07that told you things about their personality?
0:15:07 > 0:15:13Stance. It's, sort of, liquidity of the way they stand in that position.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- The "liquidity"?- Was this linked to, you thought their character
0:15:17 > 0:15:20or their physical prowess, if I can put it that way.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22It's character. It was all about the character.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Well, here's the thing,
0:15:24 > 0:15:28because one of our panellists is quite accomplished at darts.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31It's Lee. So, Lee, would, would you demonstrate
0:15:31 > 0:15:32and then we could ask Joanna to analyse
0:15:32 > 0:15:34and come to her own conclusions.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Are you good at darts?
0:15:36 > 0:15:40I've been known to do double tops, I think you know what I'm saying.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48So, what I tend to do is I tend to go like this... That's the line.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- And now, I'll take my dart. - Where's the board, sorry?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Good question, that's what I was thinking.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55That's the first thing I do is I'd go, "Hang on, there's no board."
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Because I know what I'm doing! And then I would take the dart,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I will lean forward with all the weight on the right leg -
0:16:01 > 0:16:03keeping it straight, of course, I'm not an idiot.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I'll then raise the hand and little finger,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07note the little finger is in the air, it's weight,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09if I put it down, I'll fall to the left.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13I have to ballast myself with the finger out.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14And then I'd go like that,
0:16:14 > 0:16:18might give it a cheeky wiggle of the bottom to the lady watching...
0:16:18 > 0:16:21and then, "Oh, he's only gone and hit 180 again!"
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I'm going to collect the things,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I'm so proud, I'll probably moonwalk to the board.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Oh, Christ!
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I didn't know about that, usually oches are straight.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34And then I would grab the darts, like that,
0:16:34 > 0:16:38and go, "They're for you, princess."
0:16:38 > 0:16:39That's how I roll.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Now then, you've seen a...
0:16:48 > 0:16:50A fulsome display.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54So, what would you...? What judgments...?
0:16:54 > 0:16:58What conclusions would you have come to about Lee, from that?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01You all saw it, there was evidence there of the, kind of,
0:17:01 > 0:17:02it's about a certain sort of flow.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Yes.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05And I think Lee pretends...
0:17:05 > 0:17:10Gives quite a good impression of being a bit of a moron.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15It is true he does, he does.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17But, but what I think that belies
0:17:17 > 0:17:22is the fact that underneath it, he is a bit of a kind, old softie.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- Yay. Yay.- And that's, kind of, what I'm looking for.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- So, David, what do you think? - Kirsty, what do you think?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I would tend to think it's true.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Greg?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Yeah, I, sort of, think the same.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Can I say, I'm, sort of, 70%, I'm not 100%.
0:17:38 > 0:17:44- How, what percent are you?- 50. - You're 50. 50?!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Well, the thing is it could be either, that's the thing.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- Well, that's...- I know!
0:17:54 > 0:17:59- True.- True. OK, so, Joanna, truth or lie?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01In fact, it is a lie.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Sorry.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09It's Gok.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Right.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I always use two toothbrushes to brush my teeth.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- One for the top set, one for the bottom.- David's team.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I believe it.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26Can I just check, when you say, "One for the bottom..."?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- How would you tell the two apart? - Different colours.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31One pink and one blue -
0:18:31 > 0:18:36always pink up top, always blue, blue down below.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- Just talk us through it.- Right. - You're in the bathroom...- Yeah.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- Yeah.- OK, so, I'm in the bathroom.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45I have my shower, I fully body-moisturise...
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I can vouch for all of this.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51And then, I go to brush my... And it's quite a big ritual for me
0:18:51 > 0:18:56because when I was younger I was bullied by the way that I look, you see, so...
0:18:56 > 0:19:00I think it's fair to say, Gok, you weren't bullied BY the way you look, were you?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- Because of the way I looked. - Yeah.- Absolutely.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- It's an important distinction. - Yeah, absolutely.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Otherwise you're being bullied by a concept, aren't you?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08This is true, thanks for pointing that out.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I'm feeling bullied again, thank you very much indeed.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Well, you can see how it started, can't you?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18So, as I was saying, I was bullied and one of the big reasons
0:19:18 > 0:19:22was because of my big teeth and my big smile,
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- and so, I was always very aware of how big my mouth is...- Why are you looking at Stephen, Rob?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- Erm...- Well, I thought they might have met at a support group, I...
0:19:30 > 0:19:35- Teeth Anonymous! - MUFFLED:- I don't know what you're talking about.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- Erm, what do you think?- Isy? - I think this is definitely true.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41He's very plausible in his chat, but I just can't,
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- I can't see someone doing that. - I'm going to say lie.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- OK, so, Gok, truth or lie? - It was a lie.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50That was unlucky.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Richard Osman, you're next.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01When I was a child I created a superhero called Snooker Table Man.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08He had three key skills and one mortal enemy.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Lee.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Let's start with the obvious,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13who's the mortal enemy of Snooker Table Man?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- Vampire Ray.- Not...
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Who was based loosely around Ray Reardon.- Ray Reardon?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20What were his three skills, Richard?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23A lot of his skills didn't have an awful lot to do with snooker, I'll be honest.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26He took, he took on the form of a snooker table
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- because then he could get... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32What...? Just one question to clarify,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35what the hell are you talking about?
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Right, Snooker Table Man, he would take on the form of a snooker table
0:20:39 > 0:20:42in the same way that the TARDIS would take on the form of a phone box, it's not crazy,
0:20:42 > 0:20:46and he would be able to go into the houses of very rich and successful and famous people and spy on them.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Well, it's not like the TARDIS, is it?
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- The TARDIS is the vehicle that the superhero, for want of a better word, travels round in.- Yeah.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54If you're Snooker Table Man,
0:20:54 > 0:20:56and there's a child trapped in a building, you know,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59"What are we going to do?" "Don't worry, it's Snooker Table Man."
0:20:59 > 0:21:01and then you turn into a snooker table, and you go,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03"Now what, I don't know, that's all I can do."
0:21:03 > 0:21:06So, what was his purpose, what did he do?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09His purpose was to go into the houses of very rich people
0:21:09 > 0:21:13who were trying to, for various reasons, take over the world,
0:21:13 > 0:21:17and he would, firstly, he would report back on them
0:21:17 > 0:21:20because he had wireless transistors in the pockets.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Whoa, whoa, whoa, so, he was...
0:21:23 > 0:21:26So, he would go into the houses of very, very rich people.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Admit, ADMIT, admit that is a good disguise if you want to get into...
0:21:29 > 0:21:31No, it's a terrible disguise, it's a terrible disguise,
0:21:31 > 0:21:34unless the person in question has ordered a snooker table.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Otherwise, they'll go... It's the worst disguise in the world!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40They'll go, "Where the hell did that come from?"
0:21:40 > 0:21:43You think any rich person, if they were given a delivery of a snooker table,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45wouldn't go, "Oh, lovely, a snooker table."
0:21:45 > 0:21:48They would, but you didn't say you were given delivery,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50you said you suddenly appeared in an empty room.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52No, I didn't, what do you mean, transport myself...
0:21:52 > 0:21:57So, you knock on the door and you go, "Hello, I'm here to give you a snooker table."
0:21:57 > 0:21:59No, you are, you are...
0:22:01 > 0:22:02That was it, that was your...
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Now, you're making it sound ridiculous.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13How did he move around?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16He didn't move around, that's the beauty of him.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18People moved around him, that's snooker tables.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21You know what, I won't tell the rest of this story,
0:22:21 > 0:22:22if you're going to mock me.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- What are the other powers you haven't told us about?- Yeah.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Well, I've given you the two and the third one was...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- What was the second one? - Transistors...- The transistors, yeah.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- The ability to transmit information. - Who to?- And it...
0:22:37 > 0:22:39To... (Oh, goodness me!)
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Who do you think, if we're trying to save the world, who do you think he's transmitting to?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- Steve Davis.- Firstly, me.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- What was your third power then? - The third power was exploding balls.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57And how would he use his exploding balls?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00In what situation would he want his balls to explode?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Finally, a sensible question.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09If I received enough information...
0:23:09 > 0:23:11that the person whose home this snooker table is in
0:23:11 > 0:23:15is up to no good, is up to nefarious activities, OK?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17The next time they're playing a game of snooker,
0:23:17 > 0:23:21I can then make those balls explode at will.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24If you were playing this game in Wales you wouldn't call it snooker.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- "Snuker"?- "Snuker".- Yeah, "snuker".
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Cos we don't, we don't like the O sound,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31it's the same with tooth, we'd say "tuth".
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Yeah, and, likewise, we don't like the...the Welsh.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- Lee, what are you thinking? - I think it's a big fat lie.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44You think it's a lie.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49I mean, I think he's a large man. He's like a snooker table.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I'm not twelve foot by six foot, you know that, David.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I think I'm going to say that that was a lie.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59You think it's a lie. OK, Richard, was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01It was...
0:24:01 > 0:24:02a lie.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08It's Jon Richardson.
0:24:09 > 0:24:14When I was a child, I was told to stop stalking a clown.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I think it's true.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Why were you stalking a clown?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Because I liked him.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23How old were you, Jon?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- Nine?- What was the name of the clown?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Dozy David.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- Dozy David?- He was opening a shopping centre where I grew up
0:24:34 > 0:24:39and I saw what I believed was genuine magic.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43- What did he do?- He did card tricks and he juggled, and he did jokes,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46made animals from balloons.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47What was the nature of your stalking?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Physically following him or phoning him or...?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- It was on the phone. - How did you get his number?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Because I asked for his autograph and he gave me his card.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- What, "Dozy Dave..."- I thought, for a minute, you were going to say,
0:24:57 > 0:25:02"Gave me the autograph and included his number as well!" OK.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05So, talk us through, then, what happened. You leave it a day or two do you or...?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I left it a day or two cos I didn't want to look...
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Give him chance to get home in his car that keeps falling apart.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15So, what did you do, talk us through the first conversation.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Well, no, that's the thing, he never answered his phone.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19So I used to leave messages.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21"Hiya, David, it's Jon here, from Lancaster,
0:25:21 > 0:25:25"just wondering if you're coming back and doing any shows or...?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27"Give us a ring, we'll see what happens."
0:25:27 > 0:25:29He never rang back so I had to ring him again, didn't I?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- Right, and how long did this go on for?- A few weeks.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35How many times in those few weeks did you ring him?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37I would imagine it was something like every other day.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40And was it the same messages or was it getting steadily more menacing?
0:25:40 > 0:25:45Were you going, "Now, listen here, Dozy Dave..."
0:25:45 > 0:25:46"If you don't call me back..."
0:25:46 > 0:25:49"Yeah, I know where you live, I've got your address on the card..."
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- "Yes, I've got your number..." - "I'll come round your house..."
0:25:51 > 0:25:55"I know where you keep your balloons!"
0:25:55 > 0:25:58"If you don't call me, I'll get a bucket of confetti
0:25:58 > 0:26:01"and I'll throw it right in your face, and you'll think it's water."
0:26:03 > 0:26:04"Just watch it, you!"
0:26:04 > 0:26:07"Yeah, what's worse, I'm going to come...
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- "come round and mend your car!" - Did this carry...
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Did this carry on long enough for the messages,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14your voice was getting deeper and deeper.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16"Now, listen here...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18"this has been 23 years...
0:26:19 > 0:26:22"..how do you make a poodle out of a BALLOON?!"
0:26:29 > 0:26:31How did it end then, Jon?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34It ended very upsettingly
0:26:34 > 0:26:38when his wife or girlfriend answered the phone.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42And said, "David says, will you stop calling the house."
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Oh.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- Oh, this is a heart-breaking story. - Blimey.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Lee, what do you think, could that tale of woe be true?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I think it fits his character profile, sweet. I think it's probably true.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- Yeah, do we, David? - I think it's true.- True.- For me.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- OK, we'll say... - You all think it's true.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Jon, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03I was telling a...
0:27:03 > 0:27:05truth.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Lee, how do you know Ian?
0:27:11 > 0:27:15This is Ian, he is my supermarket delivery driver
0:27:15 > 0:27:17who accidently got... I can't remember!
0:27:19 > 0:27:23I just want you to know this is absolutely true, right,
0:27:23 > 0:27:28but they do insist that we say it exactly the way it happened.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- So, here we go.- Right.- Erm...
0:27:30 > 0:27:32This is David... No, what's your name?
0:27:34 > 0:27:35- Lee.- Yeah.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Perhaps you'd like to explain how you know Ian?
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Never met him.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42This is Ian, right.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- Lee.- This is Ian.- This is Ian.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Listen, I think it's fair to say the opposition have got it down to 50/50.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59So, Lee, how do you know Ian?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01This is Ian.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Ian, do me a favour, could you Sellotape that to your face?
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Right.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16This is Ian, he is the supermarket delivery driver
0:28:16 > 0:28:19who accidentally trapped me in the back of his van
0:28:19 > 0:28:21and drove me to his next drop-off point.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Right, and finally, David, what is Lee to you?
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Not Lee, sorry.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd