0:00:14 > 0:00:16APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You At Christmas,
0:00:31 > 0:00:35a very special edition filled with festive fibs.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39On Lee Mack's team tonight a man who knows all about the story of Christ,
0:00:39 > 0:00:43as they were at school together - it's comedy legend Barry Cryer.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Thank you.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:45 > 0:00:49And a comedian and actor who lists among his hobbies cricket,
0:00:49 > 0:00:52fly fishing and tea tasting.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55We've had him flown all the way here from 1953.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57From Rev, it's Miles Jupp.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:04On David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07forget ten lords a-leaping or seven swans a-swimming,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10we prefer one Miranda a-falling. It's Miranda Hart.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And he's the comedy actor who does episodes of Episodes
0:01:17 > 0:01:20with his friend who was in Friends. It's Stephen Mangan.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:24 > 0:01:29So let's begin with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists
0:01:29 > 0:01:31read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37so they've got no idea what they'll be faced with,
0:01:37 > 0:01:41and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44And Stephen Mangan is first up. Stephen, off you go.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49One Christmas, my wife bought me a dog.
0:01:49 > 0:01:54Rather than think up a name for it, I took him for a walk in a cemetery
0:01:54 > 0:01:59and named him after the first gravestone he showed an interest in.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Well, that's lovely and festive, isn't it? Lee's team.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05What was on the initial gravestone?
0:02:05 > 0:02:06John Samuels.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09John Samuels, so your dog is called John Samuel?
0:02:09 > 0:02:10The dog is called John Samuels.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- And this... - He's a Bedlington Terrier.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15They're sort of, do you know, they've got curly hair.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Was it chosen, the curly-haired dog, for any specific reason, Stephen?
0:02:18 > 0:02:22No, I can't think of a reason why I'd choose a curly-haired dog.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24This dog, has it got big gnashers?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26LAUGHTER
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Lee, Lee. - I'm not sure where this is going.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- What?- It's Christmas, it's Christmas.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Oh yeah, sorry. This dog, has it got big gnashers, happy Christmas.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:36 > 0:02:40What time of day do you tend to walk your dog in cemeteries, Stephen?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Well, it was only... he was only a puppy,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45so I was actually carrying him, so it wasn't really a walk.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49How did he show interest if you were carrying him? Did he leap from your arms?
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Yes. He wagged his tail.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- Wagged his tail and up until that point, he hadn't wagged his tail.- OK.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56He'd had a really miserable Christmas,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58he'd had a miserable walk - or carry - everything...
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Here's the story. I'd ask my wife, if you're watching this,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03to cover John Samuels' ears.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06We told him it was the one he showed an interest in,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09but we'd - are his ears covered? - had secretly decided it was going
0:03:09 > 0:03:14to be the first one inside the gate. He thinks it's cos he wagged his tail, but actually it was the first.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- He thinks it's cos he wagged his tail...- Yeah.- Think about what you're saying!- He thinks that's what it is.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Firstly, have you had a chat with him?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Wait till he finds out he was adopted, he'll go ape.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Tell us about the lovely heart-warming scenario
0:03:26 > 0:03:31on Christmas morning when Mrs Mangan whipped out a puppy for you.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- I mean...- Steady.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34LAUGHTER
0:03:38 > 0:03:42I think you know full well that's not what I meant, Miranda.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44How did she present the puppy to you?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46The puppy came with her parents.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Wow, that's a hell of a present. - Yeah, exactly.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Was it a special offer?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55They were coming round to ours for lunch and they brought
0:03:55 > 0:03:57the puppy in a little basket with a bow round its neck.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- Aw, that's lovely.- And a big sign saying, "To Stephen."
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Honestly, Stephen, how much did you want the dog?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06A lot, I've always wanted a dog.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08My mum never let us have animals.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12We had a cat once, but it wasn't allowed in the house.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15You haven't really got the cat then, have you, in that case?!
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Did she just point at cats and say, "Yeah, that belongs to us"?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21You had a cat but he wasn't allowed in the house?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- Well, there was a room... - In that case, we own a cow.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27LAUGHTER
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Is this the first time you've done this?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Yeah, we've got one dog, that's it.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- Have you got any children? - Two children.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34How did you name them?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36What, Burger King and Boots?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38LAUGHTER
0:04:38 > 0:04:42So what are you thinking, Lee? Does this sound truthful to you?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I'm...I'm not sure, really. What do you think, Barry?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47There's too much erratic detail in it.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I don't think the narrative holds together.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- Miles?- I think...I mean, I think this couldn't be less true.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- You don't think it could be less true?- No.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57What if it's a lie?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01That's definitely less true if it's a lie, isn't it? Less true.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04If I'm going to talk semantics with someone tonight, Lee,
0:05:04 > 0:05:05it won't be you.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:09I love having Miles on the show.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13He's the only person in the world that can make David Mitchell sound like Danny Dyer.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- I don't believe Stephen. - So you think it's a lie.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I do think it's a lie, yeah.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- You think it's a lie.- Yes.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Well, I disagree with you, so I think it's not true.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Right, Stephen, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Amazingly, it's a lie.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31APPLAUSE
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Yes, it's a lie.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Stephen didn't take his dog for a walk in a cemetery
0:05:38 > 0:05:40to choose its name.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Barry, you're next.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47I'm in a four-man pub quiz team
0:05:47 > 0:05:52with a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53David's team.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- What's the name of this team? - Quartet.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02How did you get to know the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker?
0:06:02 > 0:06:06In the pub. There was much mirth cos we realised it was
0:06:06 > 0:06:08butcher, baker and candlestick maker.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11What's the name of your butcher friend?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- Harry Granger.- That was quite quick. - And the baker?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Oh...Ed.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- Ed what? - Ed Saville.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- And the candlestick maker... - Is called?
0:06:21 > 0:06:25He's called Bill Grimes.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27No, he's not!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Just cos you're dressed in like the 19th century,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35the names don't have to be from the 19th century.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38So Barry, remind me again, the three names are...
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Bill, Harry and Ed. - And their surnames?
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Grimes...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Do you know, you've got me there.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:48- LEE:- Saville, Granger.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Saville and Granger.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- OK, next question.- Granger.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Have the visitors been?
0:06:55 > 0:06:56LAUGHTER
0:07:01 > 0:07:05- They brought you some flowers, Barry.- Did they? - And some chocolates, yes.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08They steal your trousers when you're asleep, you know.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09LAUGHTER
0:07:15 > 0:07:17So what do you think then, David?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- What do you think, Miranda? - I don't know.- I mean, all... I do.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- I think it's completely and utter untrue.- Codswallop.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27So what are you going to say, David?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- Well, I think we'll say it's a lie. - Yeah.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32You think it's a lie? Oh, dear, dear, dear.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Barry, truth or lie.- It was...
0:07:36 > 0:07:39APPLAUSE
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Yes, it's a lie, Barry's not in a four-man pub quiz team.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Miles, you're next.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Every morning I eat one of those mini multi-pack cereals, but to
0:07:49 > 0:07:53save time and washing up, I pour the milk straight into the packet.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57David's team.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00One of the, like, the mini variety pack cereals?
0:08:00 > 0:08:01That's right, yes.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Are you often in a rush of a morning? Why are you needing to save time, please?
0:08:05 > 0:08:10What I don't enjoy doing is washing up, and I've taken a sort of stand.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I bought a dishwasher, and my wife doesn't like dishwashers.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- So she insists that I wash everything up.- Wow.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20What is it about dishwashers that Mrs Jupp objects to?
0:08:20 > 0:08:25Er, she objects to the noise, she objects to the...
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Oh, they're so noisy, aren't they? It's like a pneumatic drill in the corner of the kitchen.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32If you have a problem with some of my wife's opinions you must take this up with her.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37She objects to the rise of the machines...
0:08:37 > 0:08:38LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Does she... Does she think that the dishwasher represents
0:08:44 > 0:08:49the thin end of some kind of robotic takeover wedge?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Yeah, robotic takeover wedge is the very phrase, David.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Where does she stand on the Hoover?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57That is not how a Hoover operates.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01So Miles, what are the...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04what are the cereals you get in those little boxes?
0:09:04 > 0:09:05LEE: Ha-ha, this is the test.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Well, you get Frosties, Rice Krispies,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Corn Flakes, Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes, Coco Pops...
0:09:12 > 0:09:14LEE: Three more to go.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- And... - MIRANDA:- What's your favourite?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19And if you don't get this right, this last one, it'll be "cheerio" to you.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:22APPLAUSE
0:09:22 > 0:09:28Yeah... That reminds me, Hula Hoops, what are they...
0:09:28 > 0:09:30No, Cheerios. And then it's actually on a rotation
0:09:30 > 0:09:33so there will be some swaps. You don't always get eight separate...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- Could we trouble you for a full mime?- Yes.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Absolutely.- You've got a little box of Coco Pops there.- Yeah.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43I draw up the inner bag, and I open it like this carefully...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Draw out its little underwear.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:47 > 0:09:50You've given away a lot there, David.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53So I pour the milk into the bag, and then I eat the cereal and then
0:09:53 > 0:09:57the little bit of milk left over, I pour that into my mouth.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Meanwhile his wife's sat in the corner weeping.
0:10:00 > 0:10:07Do you find no problem of sort of sloppage between bag and inner cardboard?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Well, if I spilled something I would get some sort of disposable material
0:10:10 > 0:10:13such as kitchen roll, and wipe it up and then drop it...
0:10:13 > 0:10:15You don't find that something sort of...
0:10:15 > 0:10:21leaks down, a bit of sticky goo, in a way that would be displeasing to someone as tidy as you?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- No. - This is like C-3PO talking to R2-D2.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:30I don't have any breakfast time seepage issues.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32LAUGHTER
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Well, when you've been married a while that sort of stuff does tend to tail off.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39What do you think? Truth or lie?
0:10:39 > 0:10:45Well, what's clear is that Miles is... Well, Miles' wife is Amish.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47LAUGHTER
0:10:47 > 0:10:51And he's not...he's not accepting of her religious views
0:10:51 > 0:10:53and that's very... That's very, very sad.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56What do you think, Stephen?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59I think he's thrashing about and drowning in a lie soup, is what I think.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01What are you thinking, Miranda?
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Because it's so ridiculous, I'm veering towards the truth.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06You think true?
0:11:06 > 0:11:10- Yeah, why not?- You think lie. - I think a lie.- I think it's a lie.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11You think it's a lie. OK.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Miles, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I was telling a...
0:11:17 > 0:11:19lie.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It was a lie. Yeah.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26Miles doesn't pour milk straight into cereal packets to save time.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Right, our next round is called This Is My, where we
0:11:28 > 0:11:30bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to
0:11:30 > 0:11:33one of our panellists. Now, this week each of Lee's team will claim
0:11:33 > 0:11:36it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest,
0:11:36 > 0:11:41and it's up to David's team have to spot who's telling the truth. This week's special guest - Mike.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42APPLAUSE
0:11:48 > 0:11:54So. Barry, what is Mike to you?
0:11:54 > 0:12:00This is Mike, who's one of the three Kings who came to visit me at Christmas.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03OK. Miles, what is Mike to you?
0:12:03 > 0:12:07This is Mike. We were once told off by our neighbour
0:12:07 > 0:12:10because our snowman was using up too much snow.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Right. And Lee, what's your relationship with Mike?
0:12:13 > 0:12:17This is Mike, and last year I ordered my Christmas turkey
0:12:17 > 0:12:20from his farm, but I never got to eat it
0:12:20 > 0:12:23because I formed an unbreakable bond with the bird.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:29So there we have it. Barry's Christmas King, Miles' fellow snow hog, or Lee's turkey trader.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32David's team, where would you like to begin?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- So, Barry, your...- Yes.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Your story's unclear at the moment,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39are you saying that you're the baby Jesus?
0:12:40 > 0:12:46No. It was it was Christmas, and three Kings visited me.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Right, that's clear(!)
0:12:49 > 0:12:51What countries were they King of?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54They were not Kings in the regal sense at all.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56In what sense were they Kings?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59In sense of their name.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- Their surname was King?- Yes.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06I get it now. Suddenly it's more plausible.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- Here we go again. What are the names of the three Kings?- Yeah.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Mike...
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Phew!
0:13:14 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Tony...
0:13:17 > 0:13:18MIRANDA: Tony King.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- ..and Denis.- Denis King.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24It's a very warm memory I've got of them visiting. I was in hospital.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26They visited you in hospital?
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- Yes.- Can we ask the nature of your hospital visit, or is that too personal a question?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Oh - might be people eating who are watching this.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36There won't be anyone watching it but there might be people eating.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I was bandaged up extensively.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Like a mummy?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I was. That's true.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- You were bandaged all over... - Yes.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50But you don't think it appropriate to say why.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Well, if you insist... - MIRANDA: Yes, we do.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Eczema.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Oh.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59# Happy Christmas time, happy Christmas time! #
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Happy ecze-mas.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01LAUGHTER
0:14:03 > 0:14:05APPLAUSE
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Right, what about what about Miles?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11OK, Miles. You and Mike were making a snowman together...
0:14:11 > 0:14:15And a neighbour was very cross with us because our snowman had used too much snow.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Set the scene. Where were you making the snowman?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Northampton.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21So, you live in Northampton?
0:14:21 > 0:14:25No, I don't live there, Mike lives in Northampton. And I was staying in Northampton.
0:14:25 > 0:14:30- Were you staying with Mike?- Yes. Because he rents rooms to actors.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- So what was the play you were doing in Northampton? - It was The Way Of The World.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Right. And you were staying with Mike...- That's right.
0:14:36 > 0:14:42How did the topic of building a snowman with this relative stranger get brought up?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Say relative stranger - I was staying in Mike's house for two and a half months.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48What would happen, I would go back to the digs after the show
0:14:48 > 0:14:51and Mike would often still be up and say, "Oh, I've just opened
0:14:51 > 0:14:53"a bottle, and do you want a glass?"
0:14:53 > 0:14:58so I'd sit and we'd chat about how did it go and I'd say, "Oh, it was another absolute triumph."
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- And erm... - LAUGHTER
0:15:00 > 0:15:08So you got to know Mike and then one day, one day it snowed and Mike said, "We're friends now..."
0:15:08 > 0:15:12And at that point words weren't necessary, you both looked at each other...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- LAUGHTER - "Come on, Mike..."
0:15:14 > 0:15:19So it snowed. Who brings up the subject of building a snowman? You or Mike?
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Oh, Mike smokes so he would go outside on the doorstep, and one...
0:15:23 > 0:15:25That's when he noticed the snow.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Well, he hadn't looked out until that point
0:15:26 > 0:15:30because I was telling him theatrical anecdotes so he was absolutely riveted,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32he'd have no reason to look anywhere other than straight at
0:15:32 > 0:15:35whichever part of my body I was using to tell the story.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- Which parts of your body can you use to tell stories?- Yeah.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I have a, you know, full...
0:15:41 > 0:15:45- He's, he's a proper actor, he tells stories with his whole body. - It's not just neck-up cynicism.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:48 > 0:15:51So Mike hadn't noticed the snow, he went outside.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55He said, "Do you know it's snowing?" and so I was like, "Oh, wow I haven't made a snowman for ages,
0:15:55 > 0:15:59and I said, "Do you know that thing when you start rolling snow and
0:15:59 > 0:16:04"you can make a snowman really big really quickly, because you roll it and it starts picking up..."
0:16:04 > 0:16:06But only if the snow has already lain
0:16:06 > 0:16:08and you said it's snow-ING. Thank you.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Yeah, but how...
0:16:10 > 0:16:14I think what you're underestimating, Miranda, is the length of Miles' anecdote.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:22So it starts snowing, and then the anecdote finishes - there's about six feet of it.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- Now it seems more plausible.- Yes.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Right, then what happens?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33I used the snow from about, probably about three or four houses.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37I've used all that snow to make one enormous ridiculously large snowman.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41And then what happened? Because then there was an altercation.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43When I went out the next morning a chap that lived
0:16:43 > 0:16:46two doors down said, "Do you know who built this snowman?"
0:16:46 > 0:16:49I said, very proudly, "I built this snowman," and he said,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51"You've used up all the snow, haven't you?"
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Does this house have a back garden?
0:16:53 > 0:16:58Er...it does, but the back garden is multiple...lots and lots of locks
0:16:58 > 0:17:01whereas the front one, you want to have a cigarette, so you...
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Why did he have so many locks on his back door?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Well, you must know this,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09people are more likely to break into the back of the house...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- LAUGHTER - than...
0:17:13 > 0:17:14ROB LAUGHS
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Than the front. Yeah?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Now, then - Lee's story.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21- MIRANDA:- Lee and your bird.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Mike sold you a turkey. Is that right?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26No, I went to his farm to choose a turkey.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- Mm-hm.- But I never got to eat it because
0:17:28 > 0:17:32I formed an unbreakable bond with that bird.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34And it's here tonight(?)
0:17:34 > 0:17:35LAUGHTER
0:17:36 > 0:17:38What was the nature of this bond?
0:17:38 > 0:17:42I went to the farm in around about the beginning of November,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45and you choose your bird, and then I was driving past again
0:17:45 > 0:17:49and I thought, "I'll just pop in, you know, have a little look at my bird."
0:17:49 > 0:17:51And so he showed me,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54and that's when I had a proper look at it and it looked back at me,
0:17:54 > 0:17:59and there was something about the look that he gave me that just made me think,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02"I just don't want... I don't want to kill him and eat him, so..."
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Did you immediately feel that?
0:18:03 > 0:18:08No, no, this was after we'd had dinner, and erm... It was about the third date I think.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11So what did you do to save the bird's life?
0:18:11 > 0:18:15I said to Mike, "Change of plan - I will take it home."
0:18:15 > 0:18:18What did you have for Christmas dinner that year?
0:18:18 > 0:18:23Er, we had turkey. But not that turkey.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28So did you say, "I'll take him as a pet, and that one - chop its head off."
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- No, I...- Cos he...he won't give me the time of day.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33LAUGHTER
0:18:33 > 0:18:35MIRANDA: Where do you keep a turkey?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37In the first place, in the shed.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I cleared away all the sharp implements.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Bit of pot pourri in a bowl.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Look, if you're not going to take my story seriously, Stephen, I don't want to talk to you.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48How did your wife react? She was expecting...
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Well, she as you know lives in the shed as well so she was erm...
0:18:51 > 0:18:56she wasn't happy. And she said, I think it's time I made a move into what she calls "the house".
0:18:56 > 0:18:58So I let her in the house.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- What did you call the turkey? - Istanbul.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Istanbul. Why?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- Cos it's in Turkey.- BARRY:- Turkey.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Oh, yeah, of course.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09APPLAUSE
0:19:09 > 0:19:15Right, so... David's team, is Mike Barry's Christmas King,
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Miles' fellow snow hog, or Lee's turkey trader?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- I'm all about Miles.- Yeah.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23In every way.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- I think it's Barry.- Do you?- Do you?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- Do we think Lee is definitely not... - We think Lee is definitely not true.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- So you think it's Miles. - I think it's Miles.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Stephen's saying Miles.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37I'm saying... Sometimes I'm saying Miles, sometimes I'm saying Barry, I'm confused.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- It's Barry. - You say it's Barry. OK.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Mike - would you please reveal your true identity?
0:19:43 > 0:19:48Yeah, I'm the Mike King with the three Kings who visited Barry on Christmas Day.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:51 > 0:19:57Yes. Mike is Barry's Christmas King. Thanks very much, Mike, thank you.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies, and we start with...
0:20:07 > 0:20:08It is David.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- Possession.- Ah. Now, behind your chair is a box.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19Open the box, read the card, and then take out the possession.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21It's a beautiful box.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- I like it.- This is entertainment.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Yes...
0:20:27 > 0:20:29"This is my cape.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35"I used to put it on,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38"pretend I was Doctor Who,
0:20:38 > 0:20:40"and head into my TARDIS -
0:20:40 > 0:20:44"or, as my parents called it, the airing cupboard."
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Put the cape on.- All right.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Feel free, David, come and use the floor space.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Think back to your dancing days, come out, use the floor.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56You could have a glamorous assistant in the form of Miranda.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- Oh, certainly.- Would you help David get into his cape?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Hang on. Do we put this over there?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- That's what I'm thinking. - And that'll hold it in place.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07That actually fits you really well. Were you exactly the same size as a child?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09LAUGHTER
0:21:09 > 0:21:13I can't see you properly, David. Could you come and stand in front of me and twirl round?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15So, you just... Yes. That's actually...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- MILES: That is a reminder of the film Magicians.- How old were you?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Erm... I think...
0:21:20 > 0:21:22LAUGHTER
0:21:22 > 0:21:24MIRANDA: I'm loving it!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26This is how I picture you walking round your house.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31How old was I...?
0:21:31 > 0:21:32LAUGHTER
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I think...
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I think at the time I was first given this cape,
0:21:43 > 0:21:48I was... I think I was about um, maybe ten?
0:21:48 > 0:21:53- In that cape?- Maybe nine. It was too big for me initially.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Hang on a second, whoa, whoa, whoa. When you were nine - so, give us an idea of the height.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Just give us knees and we'll see how much it would have dragged.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05- So that would have been you, as... - Hang on, it's rucking. - Can I have your shoes for a second?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- Can I take this off? - What are you doing?!
0:22:07 > 0:22:11- I want to take your shoes... - Oh, I see.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13It might show us how you might have looked in those days.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16This is how the police do sort of ageing profiling, don't they?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- Yes.- What would he have looked like a few years ago?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19So just get yourself...
0:22:23 > 0:22:24LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:27APPLAUSE
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Did you say your mum and dad got you this?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- My mum made it.- Your mum made it? - Yeah.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37She made it for you. Had she no idea what size it should be?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Were you a close family, David?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44I'm actually getting cramp in my knee.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47You can go back to your seat. I give you permission.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51You look like a very middle-class disgruntled Dracula.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54"I didn't get any blood tonight...
0:22:54 > 0:22:58"I'll just shrug back to my chair and bite some virgin's neck tomorrow, I suppose."
0:22:58 > 0:23:02So what do you think, Lee, is it the truth or is it a lie?
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- What do you think, Barry? - Not a shred of truth in it. - I think it COULD be true.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09It sounds incredibly likely. In fact I'd be surprised...
0:23:09 > 0:23:13I'd be surprised if this is a habit that's actually finished, I imagine he's...
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- So Barry says a lie. - I'm the odd one out here, aren't I?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- You say true.- I think... I hope it's true, I think it's lovely.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Well, I think it's lovely as well so I'll say it's true.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25You're going to say true. David, truth or lie?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27It is, of course, true.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30APPLAUSE
0:23:30 > 0:23:37Yes, it's true. David used to wear his cape and pretend he was Doctor Who.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39So, next...
0:23:39 > 0:23:40it's Miranda.
0:23:42 > 0:23:48"I will not get out of bed on Christmas morning until I have smoked a full cigar."
0:23:48 > 0:23:49LAUGHTER
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- What age did this start? - About 33.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55What made you start?
0:23:55 > 0:24:01Well, when I was giving up smoking I smoked those thin cigars -
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I thought, "Well, that's not really smoking."
0:24:03 > 0:24:06And then when I properly gave up smoking I thought
0:24:06 > 0:24:09this should just be... It was a Christmas and birthday treat.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11How long does it take you to smoke the cigar?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- Erm...- DAVID: About 6 months...
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- Yeah.- ..and then start on the birthday one.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Always got one on the go, but great to have given up smoking.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Do you smoke the whole cigar?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- Smoke the whole cigar. - And how long does that take?
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Couple of hours.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28That's a lot of puffing.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- You're still in bed?- Still in bed.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Do you have the cigar ready the night before and the little match?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Well, no, we...we have stockings
0:24:35 > 0:24:39in the morning so we all then huddle round my bed.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43- Oh, so the family and friends have to come to you to the base of the bed?- To me.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45"No present opening till it's finished!
0:24:45 > 0:24:50Have you by now slipped into the Christmas onesie, or are you still in your negligee?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Er...
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Negligee!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Yeah, we're all imagining cos there's nothing more arousing
0:24:57 > 0:25:00than a woman lying down and smoking a big fat cigar.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I prefer a Woodbine girl myself.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- GRAVELLY:- "Merry Christmas, Lee.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06LAUGHTER
0:25:06 > 0:25:09"I can't get out of bed till this is finished."
0:25:10 > 0:25:13So what are you going to say, then?
0:25:13 > 0:25:17- What do we think Barry? - I've got a 100% wrong record on this current show.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- It's time for a change, Barry. - It's time for a change.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- Whatever you say we're going with.- I think it's true.- In fact it's a lie.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- That what you're saying, Lee? - No, what do you think?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- I think it's true.- Oh, YOU think it's true.- Yeah.- You both say true.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- I'm going to say true. - I'll go with my team and say true.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38You say it's true. OK, Miranda -
0:25:38 > 0:25:40the cigar, Christmas morning, truth or lie?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43It is a...
0:25:43 > 0:25:45lie. Yes!
0:25:45 > 0:25:46- APPLAUSE - Wow.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Yes, it's a lie, Miranda does not smoke a full cigar
0:25:52 > 0:25:55before she gets out of bed on Christmas morning. Next...
0:25:55 > 0:25:57it's Lee.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00"I have perfect pitch,
0:26:00 > 0:26:04"so can listen to any noise and tell you what musical note it is."
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Pff!
0:26:06 > 0:26:07B flat.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- I'm joking, I can't do... Go on. - You can't do it.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Well, that saved us a lot of time!
0:26:14 > 0:26:15APPLAUSE
0:26:15 > 0:26:18So can you sing us a...a G?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I can't sing. I can listen to a note and tell you what pitch it is
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- but I can't, I'm not actually very good.- Aaaahh!
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Are you upset?
0:26:25 > 0:26:26What was that?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- Do it again.- Aaaahh!
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Yep, got it.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35LAUGHTER
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- DAVID: What's... - That will be... That's A.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40So when did you discover you could do this?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42About 30 seconds ago.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER
0:26:45 > 0:26:46APPLAUSE
0:26:48 > 0:26:50So, do you play a musical instrument?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Do I... No.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- Yes, I do play a musical instrument. - What do you play?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58I play guitar, triangle...
0:26:59 > 0:27:05- Well, you know what, Lee, it's funny you should mention a triangle because...- Yeah.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Ah, the triangle. - You tell me what this is.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- TING - Oh, that is out of tune.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:13- Do it again. Do it again. - TING
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- One more time, louder. - TING
0:27:16 > 0:27:20I'll be with you in a minute, I've just got to serve this customer.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24APPLAUSE
0:27:24 > 0:27:26TING
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- G.- It's a G?
0:27:28 > 0:27:29- G, that. - I don't know if it is or not.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31It is. There.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32DING-A-LING
0:27:32 > 0:27:34David, your tea's ready.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER
0:27:38 > 0:27:39WHISTLE BLOWS
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- Is that the end of the game?- Yes.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46That was a... That last whistle, that was a PEA.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47LAUGHTER
0:27:47 > 0:27:52So what do you think, David? Could that be true?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- Stephen?- No. - It's a nonsense, it's all rubbish.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59- Lie.- They're all saying lie. Lee, truth or lie?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01It was in fact a lie.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Oh! A surprise.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Yes, it was a lie. Lee doesn't have perfect pitch.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11- BUZZER - Well, that noise signals the time is up, it's the end of the show
0:28:11 > 0:28:15and I can reveal that David's team have romped home to a Christmas victory 5 points to 2.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Well done, team. Merry Christmas!
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- APPLAUSE - We got hammered.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21But it's not just a team game,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24and my individual Christmas liar is Miles Jupp!
0:28:24 > 0:28:26APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Yes - Miles Jupp, his pants are on fire
0:28:31 > 0:28:35which is amazing when you consider how hard it is to get tweed to burn.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36Goodnight!