0:00:25 > 0:00:26Good evening.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30And welcome back to a brand-new series of Would I Lie To You?
0:00:30 > 0:00:34The show where economising with the truth pays dividends.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37On David Mitchell's team tonight, he's as funny as he's tall
0:00:37 > 0:00:40and tall as he's bald
0:00:40 > 0:00:41and as bald as he's funny.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44It is the funny, bald, tall Dara O'Briain.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING
0:00:46 > 0:00:51And the only man lucky enough to see Tess daily,
0:00:51 > 0:00:53from Splash and Family Fortunes,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55TV presenter Vernon Kay.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57CHEERING
0:00:59 > 0:01:01And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:01:01 > 0:01:05an actress who starred in both A Midsummer Night's Dream and Strictly Come Dancing.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08So, we've seen her Bottom and her cha-cha,
0:01:08 > 0:01:10it's Denise van Outen.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12CHEERING
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Borderline, borderline.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Risky.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18And a comedian who, on his show about work experience,
0:01:18 > 0:01:19did a stint as a dustman.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Although, you don't really need training for that,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24you just pick it up as you go along.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25It's Rhod Gilbert.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27CHEERING
0:01:30 > 0:01:31And so, to Round 1, Home Truths,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33where our panellists each read out a statement
0:01:33 > 0:01:35from the card in front of them.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39So they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Then it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- Dara is first up. Dara, please reveal all.- OK.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50In nightclubs, in order to impress the ladies,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53I used to break into my special catwalk move.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I hope this is true.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Lee's team?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01You know we're going to ask you to demonstrate it.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Before you do, can we just clarify, you mean like a model
0:02:04 > 0:02:05or were you on all fours and weeing?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09And walking at the same time! No, like a model.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11OK, could you demonstrate for us now?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Well, no, that would be ridiculous. - I know, that's why I'm asking!
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Yeah. No, because if I showed you that I did a very good catwalk move
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- then obviously I'm telling the truth.- Not necessarily.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23You could be lying but you are able to do it.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25You could say, "When I used to go to nightclubs,
0:02:25 > 0:02:27"I would stand on one leg" and if I said, "Demonstrate it,"
0:02:27 > 0:02:30you'd go, "No, because that'll prove I can do it."
0:02:30 > 0:02:32And I'd go, "No. It proves you can stand on one leg.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34"It doesn't prove you used to do it in nightclubs."
0:02:34 > 0:02:37So, I ask you again, get yourself on the floor and start walking.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- DENISE:- We want to see it, don't we?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42CHEERING
0:02:43 > 0:02:49This move, this move is so good that if I were to show I could do it,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52you'd be going, "Well, obviously you'd play that card in a nightclub."
0:02:52 > 0:02:55DENISE: Just imagine we're in a nightclub now. Nightclub setting.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I'm single, I'm well up for it, I'm from Essex...
0:02:57 > 0:02:58I'll take this.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Will you compromise, will you do the face?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Yeah, do you do a model face? Do you pout?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10It was more about the swivel of the face than the face itself. The...
0:03:10 > 0:03:12DENISE AND RHOD: The swivel of the face?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14How do you swivel your face?
0:03:14 > 0:03:15- It's very...- I can swivel my face.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I mean, that's swivelling it, isn't it?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20No. That's surely swivelling your head.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- That's bad...- Your face swivels when you swivel your head.- No, no, no.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26The head's the thing your face is on!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Your head needs to stay still while the face moves if you're going to do it.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31No, I don't... I think you can swivel things
0:03:31 > 0:03:34with the use of things that the things are attached to.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I can move my eyes, seriously, right to the back of my head. Watch.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- There you go.- No, wait, no!
0:03:43 > 0:03:45No, no, never mind "No, no."
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Yes, yes. Yes, yes!
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Nobody said "Swivel your face in relation to other bits of your head."
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I'm swivelling it in relation to the rest of the universe.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Dara, really, within the rules of the game,
0:03:58 > 0:04:03I think it would be right for you to show us this move.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- Dara, I'm going to help you, OK? - No, no.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14I'm going to help you. I'm going to give you a little bit of music
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- so you've got something to work with.- Oh, inspiration.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I don't know if we've got anything ready but hit it.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22MUSIC: "Horny '98" by Mousse T.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Wait, wait, stop. Whoa, whoa, wait!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Wait. Oh, no, hold on.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29This is the catwalk area here, right?
0:04:29 > 0:04:34However, first the model walks out to the start of the walk, all right?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37So, I'm slightly backstage here. I'm nervous, I'm ready to go, right?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39This'll be the catwalk area here.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- When I hit the bend, watch for the swivel, right?- Dara?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Dara, was this boring bit part of the chat-up?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Oh, man.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Did you have to explain it all before you did it?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52About what she was about to see?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Did you have the confidence in a nightclub to go...
0:04:56 > 0:04:59"Cut the music. I'm not ready! Cut the music.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03"Everyone, stop having fun, I'm not ready!"
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- OK, music.- Yeah.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08MUSIC: "Horny '98" by Mousse T.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09No clapping, no clapping.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Oh, there you go!
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Yes! Yes.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Now, I don't know about you,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39but I found that very attractive.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40- Did you see the swivel? - That's really good.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- It's all in the swivel.- That was nice, with the swivel.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45The swivel of your head, rather than your face.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48What you're asking for would require surgery.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52That's what the woman used to say when he used to chat them up.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Lee, what's it going to be, truth or lie?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- What do we think?- Well, I think...
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Would that have done anything for you in a nightclub?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06No, not really.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Ten years ago, with more hair, thinner, you know?
0:06:09 > 0:06:10- DENISE:- I'd have laughed.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I'm not at me fighting weight here, right?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Definitely wasn't the first time he's done that. He's pulled it off before.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18He's definitely done that before.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- Do you think so? - Too much confidence.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21So we think it's the truth?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24But he hasn't necessarily done it for the reasons he's saying.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- DENISE:- Men are so indecisive. Let's go with the truth.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- I'm not sure about that. - Let's go with the truth.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- So, Lee, what's it going to be? Come on.- Shall we go for the truth?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- We'll go for the truth! - Let's go for the truth.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Right, they're saying is the truth.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Dara O'Briain, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:06:44 > 0:06:45It is...
0:06:45 > 0:06:47true.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Yay!
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Wowser. Come on!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Yes, it's true.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Dara used to break into a special catwalk move
0:06:55 > 0:06:58to impress the ladies in nightclubs.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Right, Denise, you're next.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03I once got a tattoo
0:07:03 > 0:07:07because I was told that it would disappear after three years.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Really, when?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Erm...I...it was on a job that I was doing.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18It was actually live on TV I was tattooed.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20And it was on The Big Breakfast.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24And who had told you that they'd disappear after three years?
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Johnny Vaughan.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30- So...- Had you not previously heard of tattoos?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33No, it was a new... They were a German company who came on the show.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38And they claimed that they had this new ink that would fade after three years.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- And they did it live on The Big Breakfast?- Yeah.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- DARA:- So, can we see it?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45No, because it's in a place where I don't really want to get it out.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46- LEE:- What do you mean?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- LEE:- What part of the body? - Where is it then?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52It's just...erm...at the top of my bottom.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53What is it, Denise?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56What I had was... Barbara Windsor was on the show,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59and you know she used to say, cos I love Carry On Camping,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02and you know she used to say, "Well, you are saucy."
0:08:02 > 0:08:05So I wanted to have "saucy" tattooed across there.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10- RHOD: I've got a potato tattoo on my back.- A potato?- Have a look.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Have a look.- Denise won't show you, I don't mind if I get mine out.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- I might have to undo a button. - Undo a button.- I'll sort it out. - All right.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22What I'm doing is... I'm doing this,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24but I'm imagining my face has swivelled that way.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Right, that...
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I can confirm that is a potato.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33VERNON: Are you sure that's a potato?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36What? Why have you got that?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Rhod, if I were you...
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Rhod, if I were you, I'd have that checked out.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Has it changed shape in the last few years?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- VERNON:- Used to be a chip on his shoulder.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- LEE:- There it is! Beautiful.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Do you know what, it was worth it, just for that.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59So, Denise, you've already said - if this is true - that we can't see it.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I don't mind showing you.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Oh!
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Maybe later!
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- VERNON:- Have you taken legal action against the people who promised you
0:09:11 > 0:09:13it would be there for just three years?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15No, cos I don't know who they are.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18They didn't leave any forwarding details for me to get in touch in three years.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Anonymous German men turned up on The Big Breakfast...
0:09:21 > 0:09:23But it was The Big Breakfast!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26"We would like to maybe tattoo you in a secret place
0:09:26 > 0:09:28"and do not ask any questions!"
0:09:30 > 0:09:34So, David, what are you going to say? Is this the truth or has she made this all up?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I believe that you might have had a tattoo on television.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40What I can't believe is that you'd think that a tattoo
0:09:40 > 0:09:41wouldn't last for ever.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44I think you'd go, "Well, fine, I'll have a tattoo."
0:09:44 > 0:09:47But she'd been told by Germans that it would go.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50The two greatest authorities, Germans and Johnny Vaughan.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53What do you think, Dara?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56No. There's certainly an emotional context
0:09:56 > 0:09:59in which this could have happened.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03I don't think anyone's mad enough to have fallen for that.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05And it's a big risk on live television
0:10:05 > 0:10:06to tattoo someone and then say,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"Oh, don't worry, it'll go in three years."
0:10:09 > 0:10:11I think we think it's a lie, then.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- DARA:- We think it's a lie. - You think it's a lie? All right.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Denise van Outen, were you telling the truth, then?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Or were you telling a lie?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24What?!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I didn't think you were going to get away with that.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Wow!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Yeah, it's true.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Denise did get a tattoo because she was told it would disappear after three years.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39- Now, you did say that I was the only one.- Only you.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- Only me!- Look away.- Where will I see it?- Look away.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51No, seriously, don't look!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Have a drink, have a drink.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Have a drink, you'll be fine.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Yeah?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- It's fine!- I need counselling.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Right, our next round is called This Is My...
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them
0:11:30 > 0:11:32that has the genuine connection to the guest.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35And it's up to Lee's team to sort out who's telling the truth.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39So please welcome this week's special guest, Mel.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51So, Vernon, what is Mel to you?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53This is Mel.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56And he came to the rescue
0:11:56 > 0:11:58when I almost blew up
0:11:58 > 0:12:00a banana factory.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06David, perhaps you'd like to explain how you know Mel?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09This is Mel. He's the postman who had to retrieve my phone
0:12:09 > 0:12:12from a postbox when I accidentally posted it
0:12:12 > 0:12:14instead of a letter I was carrying.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Finally, Dara, how do you know Mel?- This is Mel.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21One night, we were out stargazing
0:12:21 > 0:12:23and we were quizzed by the police
0:12:23 > 0:12:25because they thought we were Peeping Toms.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Lee's team, where do you want to begin?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31There's something about...
0:12:31 > 0:12:34If he'd said he blew up a banana factory it would have been bizarre,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37but there's something more bizarre about almost blowing up a banana factory.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- DENISE:- What did you actually do in the banana factory?
0:12:40 > 0:12:45Well, what happens in a banana factory,
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- is that bananas come in from a foreign land.- Yeah.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Let's say the Caribbean.- Yeah.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53And they are ripened in Bolton.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56They're ripened in Bolton?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00There's not enough sun in the Caribbean?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- Did you work in this banana factory? - I did, yeah.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06What was your job?
0:13:06 > 0:13:10- I...- Were you the banana straightener?- No.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Or were you the banana bender?
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Maybe they come in straight
0:13:12 > 0:13:15and it's his big muscly body that turns them into that shape.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17That's what they do in Bolton!
0:13:17 > 0:13:18"What are you up to?"
0:13:18 > 0:13:21"Oh, you know, just usual, bending me bananas."
0:13:23 > 0:13:26RHOD: Surely it's a banana ripening plant, anyway, not a factory?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Well, it's a factory because there was a conveyor belt so I just...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Wait, wait, there's a conveyor belt?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36So someone puts it on and it's green
0:13:36 > 0:13:39and by the end of the conveyor belt, it's ripened?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42How big is this conveyor belt, Vernon?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45And more to the point, what are you doing other than...
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Shall I straighten it yet?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53RHOD: What did Mel do?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Mel, he was one of the foremen.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- And you were...- There were only four men working in a banana factory?!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03How did you almost blow up this banana factory?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06I was on a forklift truck and what happened was
0:14:06 > 0:14:11I inadvertently drove into a gas heater
0:14:11 > 0:14:13and disconnected it.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Right, and then what happens?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- And then the factory filled up with gas.- Really properly fills?
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Yeah, yeah.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- What did Mel do?- So, what did Mel do? How did he save you?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Mel shut down the factory and evacuated the building.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Leaving the bananas to ripen themselves?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Now, what about David? What did we think of David's story with the postbox?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35What were you supposed to be posting?
0:14:35 > 0:14:40- I had a card and two normal letters to post.- Right.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44And the nearest postbox to me has a...
0:14:44 > 0:14:47It's a very narrow aperture.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- So only...- For the letters?- Yes.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- I know the kind of thing. - For whatever you want to use it for.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- We've got 'em, back home.- Yeah.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01And you can't get 'em in, sometimes.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03You can't get the wider things in.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07So you thought, "I'll just post whatever fits," and that was your phone?
0:15:07 > 0:15:11- It...- Stuff my keys in. Oh, they go in! The keys go in. Any change?
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- I'll stuff that in.- I was contemplating what an outdated medium snail mail was
0:15:15 > 0:15:16and I thought, "This'll show 'em!"
0:15:18 > 0:15:22No, I had...in my confusion, I thought, "Oh, that doesn't fit,
0:15:22 > 0:15:26"I'll post those two, they fit." And, "Oh, what a fool...
0:15:26 > 0:15:29"What a fool I've been! If only this were happening in a sitcom."
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- The two letters and phone go in at the same time?- Yeah.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37So you're e-mailing it and putting in a hard copy at the same time.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- DENISE:- So how did Mel come in to it? Was he in the area?- LEE:- How did...
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Well, luckily,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Mel had also fallen in.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46He just reached out and passed it out to you.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Yes, I mean, I hadn't realised that pillar boxes were manned until then.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53He simply handed it back.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56So, go on, what happened next?
0:15:56 > 0:16:00I noticed that the last collection of the day
0:16:00 > 0:16:03was happening about half an hour later.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07So I thought, "I know what I'll do,
0:16:07 > 0:16:08"I'll simply wait."
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Fiendishly clever!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16No, you didn't.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21- So what are you thinking? - No. Remind me again of your truth, lie, thing.
0:16:21 > 0:16:26He and I, Mel and I, were stargazing and the police quizzed us
0:16:26 > 0:16:28because they thought we were Peeping Toms.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- Was it just the two of you? - Yes, it was, actually, yeah.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32And what were you stargazing at?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35We were looking at a meteor shower.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38OK. So the two of you were out. What have you got? You've got the telescope...
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- No, you don't.- What have you got?
0:16:40 > 0:16:41You just use binoculars.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42- Binoculars?- Binoculars?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44The naked eye, generally, binoculars probably.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48You don't use a telescope because they move quickly so you'd have to be really fast!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51You'd be playing it like a tu... Like that.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Yeah, but if you want a really good look,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55why don't you use two telescopes, like binoculars?
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Cos that's even better than binoculars and also, if two things happen at once, you can go,
0:17:01 > 0:17:02"And the moon's looking nice!"
0:17:05 > 0:17:08DENISE: So, when the police turned up...
0:17:08 > 0:17:12We could see the police car coming because it just drove along and then stopped
0:17:12 > 0:17:14and two of the lads came and walked over to us.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Cos we were two men in the middle of Ealing Common,
0:17:16 > 0:17:17there's houses all around,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- but with binoculars. - But surely, you don't look...
0:17:20 > 0:17:21You look like that, right up in the air?
0:17:21 > 0:17:25I know but maybe they saw me during the midpoint of that. I don't know!
0:17:25 > 0:17:28No, no, no! You don't go, "Let's start at the ground and go up!"
0:17:28 > 0:17:30You go like that and you do that.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32You don't go, "Would you like a cup of tea?
0:17:32 > 0:17:33"But sorry, I can't see.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- "Everything's blurry."- I don't... - You can take them off.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38RHOD: Nobody does this when they're using binoculars,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- "Right, head up and now, binoculars." They don't!- They do!
0:17:41 > 0:17:42They go, "Look at that, up there."
0:17:42 > 0:17:45They don't go, "Have you seen the moon tonight?"
0:17:45 > 0:17:47"Wait, wait, I need a bit of a run up."
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Don't forget, Dara's face moves independently from his head.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53That's true. Yes, he can swivel his face.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56And look at the woman in the bathroom behind. It's true!
0:17:58 > 0:18:03Right, Lee, we need an answer. Is Mel Vernon's banana hero,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05David's postman pal
0:18:05 > 0:18:08or Dara's saucy stargazer?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- What do you think?- I think the difficult thing is Mel's got a tan.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13But you can get a tan in all three of those jobs.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Well, he's going to the Caribbean a lot, to pick up bananas.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Stargazing, you can get a tan off that if you're out there long enough.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22And a postman, outdoors all day.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25You know that stargazing's done predominantly at night?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29There is not a shadow of a doubt in my mind
0:18:29 > 0:18:31that Mel worked in a banana factory.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33OK, you're saying banana man?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- DENISE:- No, I definitely... If I saw Dara and Mel on Ealing Common,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I would think they were a couple of pervs.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43But Dara could have said, "It's OK, I work in TV."
0:18:43 > 0:18:46The police would go, "Well, that makes it impossible."
0:18:52 > 0:18:54So what are you going to say?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56We are going to state that in fact
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Dara was cautioned by the police for standing on Ealing Common.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- Not necessarily for being a pervert. - Cautioned? Cautioned actually means something, legally, by the way.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Sorry, he wasn't cautioned. - Questioned!- Questioned.- Questioned.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I was never formally cautioned with anything!
0:19:12 > 0:19:13- You say it's Dara.- Go for it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17So, Mel, would you please reveal your true identity.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22I'm Mel, and I rescued Vernon after once nearly...
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Yes, Mel is Vernon's banana boss.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34So, how dangerous was this?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Were you just seconds away from bang?
0:19:37 > 0:19:42BOLTON ACCENT: Virtually, yeah. Vernon's driving the forklift and, like he said...
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Oh, why didn't you speak like this before?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47We'd have known it was Vernon! Why isn't he allowed to speak?
0:19:47 > 0:19:48- RHOD:- I told you!
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- And what was Vernon known as within this factory?- Little Vern.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Little Vern?- Little Vern.- Aw!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Stand up next to Mel, Vernon, and let's see Little Vern now.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Mel, thank you very much indeed.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies,
0:20:13 > 0:20:17in which our panellists lie, not only through their teeth, but against the clock.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18We will start with...
0:20:20 > 0:20:21It's David.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26One of the codes I live my life by...
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Always a good start!
0:20:31 > 0:20:35..is that my appearance should be in no way noteworthy.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40But then again, not so unnoteworthy as to be, in itself, noteworthy.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- What do you think?- Well, if it is true, you're certainly carrying it off.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52When did you decide on this code?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54It didn't happen suddenly.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- It just, you know... - Sort of developed?
0:20:57 > 0:20:58The way I felt comfortable being
0:20:58 > 0:21:02sort of gradually formed into the philosophy,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05and I don't think that's too grandiose a term,
0:21:05 > 0:21:09that I have read off a card for you today.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I would say, since you've got a beard,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15you have become more noteworthy.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17The answer to that is that I've enjoyed growing a beard
0:21:17 > 0:21:20but you're right, because I've grown a beard, some people have said,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23"I see you've grown a beard," or, "He's got a beard,"
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- and I hate those moments.- Can I just pick you up on the point...
0:21:25 > 0:21:29I deeply hate those moments of being physically noticed.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Have you really enjoyed growing a beard?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34well, that's what's so odd.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I mean, I haven't like hugely enjoyed it.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38It's not been like a brilliant roller coaster.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41But it's just very, very slightly I've enjoyed it.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44And very slightly also, I've had a sense of achievement.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Of course, it is no achievement.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48It's actually a failure in personal hygiene.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50But it feels like an achievement.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53But you surely went through the difficult itchy stage.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- I did go through it. - No-one enjoys that.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I call them my teens.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Do you make these rules about everything?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Are the underpants you're wearing unnoteworthy enough to be...
0:22:05 > 0:22:07You know what I'm saying. Are they?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- I don't think... - Sorry, let's start again,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- are you wearing underwear?- Yes.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- OK.- And I don't want to sound too sexy, but yes.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I don't want to sound too sexy, but no.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Under my underwear, I'm naked.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I want to know, not what you consider noteworthy,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28but what you consider so unnoteworthy that it becomes noteworthy.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30A grey tie.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33If you were in a suit, like you're in a suit-wearing scenario,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35and you wore a grey tie,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38that would be so unnoteworthy as to be, in itself, noteworthy.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39So a grey tie...
0:22:39 > 0:22:44It could be so colourless, so "not wanting to draw the eye", it would draw the eye.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46It's how you spot spies, isn't it?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48People who are just trying to blend in so much
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- they've blended in so much, they're noticeable.- It's true.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Like a chameleon.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55If there was a chameleon in here, it would stand out.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59I'll tell you what, if there was a comedian in here, it'd stand out.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:04 > 0:23:08A worrying round of applause on the subject of our comedy.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Is it true or is it a lie? Make your decision.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17I think it's true. I think it's very plausible that David would be like that, yeah.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- Yeah, I think it's true. - I'll go with my team and say true.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22All saying true. David, truth or lie?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Yes, well, of course it's true.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Yes, it's true.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31One of the codes David lives his life by
0:23:31 > 0:23:34is that his appearance should be in no way noteworthy.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Next...
0:23:37 > 0:23:38..it's Rhod.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43I once dug up my dead hamster...
0:23:46 > 0:23:47..and gave it a wash.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56What age were you when you bought it?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58And what age were you when it bought it?!
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Oh, God, I...
0:24:02 > 0:24:04When I bought it, I must have been 25.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- 25? Sorry?- What?- No?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- 25?- Six!
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- Six!- I must say, I was thinking it would have been during your childhood.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I don't know exactly, I did not record my age.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21- DARA:- OK, we're not splitting hairs between 23 and 24 here. - Mid-twenties.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24You weren't nine is what we were basically getting at.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27No, I tell you what, maths really is your strong point.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29No, the point is, who in their 20s buys a hamster?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- LEE:- I like the fact that it doesn't seem unusual that he dug it up
0:24:35 > 0:24:36and washed it, that's all right.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38"You had a hamster in your mid-20s?"
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Surely that's not the bit you should be focused on!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- Did the hamster have a name? - Yes, his name was...
0:24:46 > 0:24:47..Ianto.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- How's that spelt? - I-A-N-T-O, I think.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54To be honest, I never had cause to write the name down.
0:24:56 > 0:25:01You don't have to worry about the spelling of any pets really, do you?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I think there are times when you have to write...
0:25:03 > 0:25:07You might be writing an e-mail. with news, to a loved one.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11- "By the way, Ianto's looking peaky." - You're quite right, I did once...
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- DARA:- Did you not put a little tombstone?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Thus making it easy for you later to dig him up and wash him.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19He did have a tombstone, yeah, of sorts.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21And did it not have Ianto written on the tombstone?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Tragically, there was already something written on his tombstone.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25What was written on it?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27It was a lollipop stick.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- LEE:- It had a joke on it?!
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- Your hamster dies and you buried it where?- In the garden.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39How long was it under the earth before you dug it up?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- Was it, sort of, months later?- No, probably a day or two.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Was it in a container? A sort of hamster coffin?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- It was in a container, yeah. - What was the container?
0:25:48 > 0:25:49It was in a...
0:25:50 > 0:25:51A smoothie bottle.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56A smoothie bottle?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01He was in a smoothie bottle?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04How did you get the hamster into the smoothie bottle?
0:26:04 > 0:26:05With the lolly stick!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10No, no, I took the top off and just pushed him in.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13You sort of forced him in? Because I imagine...
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I had to. He was dead. I tried persuading him but it didn't work.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21- DENISE:- And then, how would you get the hamster out to wash it?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Or did you put the water in the bottle, put the lid back on,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28give it a shake and then take the lid off and then...?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30You wouldn't want to put water in.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32You'd want to put lots of fizzy drink in,
0:26:32 > 0:26:33shake it up and...he's out!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38He is blown out like that. And then you go...and catch him.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42The thing that we haven't established in all of this
0:26:42 > 0:26:47is why you felt you had to clean him.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Because he, well he had, like, a strawberry Mohican.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- It had gone stiff.- There was still strawberry stuff in there?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Yeah, I hadn't rinsed it out properly.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- And you were racked with guilt?- Yep.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Oh, wow.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Can you describe the...the washing?
0:27:01 > 0:27:05If I'm honest, the washing of him doesn't stand out that much.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08It was a fairly straightforward rinse and blow-dry, as I remember.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10In the...
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- A blow-dry? Come on! You didn't blow-dry him.- In the kitchen sink?
0:27:13 > 0:27:17"Been anywhere nice on your holidays?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19"Do want a cup of tea or anything?"
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Did you run the hamster under the kitchen tap?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I washed as much of that strawberry smoothie
0:27:24 > 0:27:26out of his sticky, brittle hair
0:27:26 > 0:27:27as I could...
0:27:28 > 0:27:31..said our goodbyes and buried him in the garden.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33So did you feel like you'd done the right thing?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Yeah, definitely, yeah. Thanks, Rob. I did, yeah.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39That's good. That's good to know.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- Do you think he's telling the truth? - I don't.- No.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- VERNON:- Maybe a quick flick under the tap
0:27:47 > 0:27:49but I don't think he'd spend time scrubbing down the hamster.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- So you're saying lie? - We're saying it's a lie.
0:27:52 > 0:27:57You're saying it's a lie. Rhod, the hamster, the burial, the resurrection,
0:27:57 > 0:28:00is it the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Obviously,
0:28:01 > 0:28:03it's true.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Well, it's... It's true.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15And it's very upsetting.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16BUZZER
0:28:16 > 0:28:18And that noise signals time is up.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20It's the end of the show.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21I can reveal that
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Lee's team have won by four points to one.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY CHEERING
0:28:29 > 0:28:31But it's not just a team game
0:28:31 > 0:28:34and my individual liar of the week, this week,
0:28:34 > 0:28:35is Dara O'Briain.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Yes, Dara is so good at lying,
0:28:39 > 0:28:43even Lance Armstrong thinks he should ease up. Goodnight!
0:28:57 > 0:29:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd