0:00:21 > 0:00:23APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You, the show packed
0:00:27 > 0:00:29with fantastical facts and legendary lies.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33On David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedian who recently shared
0:00:33 > 0:00:37a West End stage with Michael Ball and Imelda Staunton,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41which just goes to show that theatre security ain't what it used to be.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42It's Jason Manford.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44APPLAUSE
0:00:44 > 0:00:49And a journalist and broadcaster who has written five books,
0:00:49 > 0:00:53which interestingly is just three more than Lee Mack has read.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54It's Joan Bakewell.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:03And on Lee Mack's team tonight, an actor who starred as an Ewok in Star Wars,
0:01:03 > 0:01:07a role he wasn't very happy with as wanted to be Yoda, he did.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Warwick Davis.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:15And a man who spends his life sniffing tarts
0:01:15 > 0:01:17and poking his finger into muffins...
0:01:17 > 0:01:19LAUGHTER
0:01:19 > 0:01:22From The Great British Bake Off, Paul Hollywood.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:28 > 0:01:31And so we begin with Round 1, it's Home Truths, where
0:01:31 > 0:01:34our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Now, to make things harder they've never seen the card before,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction
0:01:42 > 0:01:46and, Warwick, we're going to start with you tonight.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50When I got my first car, my friend and I would pretend to be cops,
0:01:50 > 0:01:54park up, eat burgers and tail cars we'd picked out of the traffic.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56David's team.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59How old were you at the time?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Well, I would have just passed my test, so 17.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04What was your first car?
0:02:04 > 0:02:05It was a Mini.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07LAUGHTER
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Could you indicate how you pretended to be cops?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15We used to watch a lot of American films where cops normally
0:02:15 > 0:02:17sat in the car eating doughnuts and drinking coffee
0:02:17 > 0:02:20and then they'd see somebody go by who might be a criminal
0:02:20 > 0:02:23and then they'd sort of throw the food and speed off.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25LAUGHTER
0:02:25 > 0:02:28So that's what we were doing in essence, that sort of.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29- So you were American cops?- Yeah.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31And what were you eating?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Um, just normally a burger and some chips.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37And how far would you let yourself get through the burger
0:02:37 > 0:02:41before you'd decide someone was a criminal and you'd throw it away?
0:02:41 > 0:02:46Well, we let fate decide really because we, we would say,
0:02:46 > 0:02:51"The next green car that goes by, that's going to be the criminal."
0:02:51 > 0:02:53How do you know how the police operate?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55LAUGHTER
0:02:58 > 0:03:01What happened when you caught up with them?
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Well, we also set a rule that we'd follow them
0:03:05 > 0:03:06all the way to where they were going.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Oh. - LAUGHTER
0:03:08 > 0:03:10It's starting to sound a bit sinister now.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12This is the strange part.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14And when they arrived then we would just carry on,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16we wouldn't confront them or anything.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20- And how far was the furthest you went, in pursuit?- Um.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Bulgaria.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23LAUGHTER
0:03:24 > 0:03:27That was a really crap weekend, wasn't it?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29"They're never going to stop!"
0:03:29 > 0:03:31The bloke in the front's going,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33"Don't stop - there's a bloke following us.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35"I don't know, Bulgaria, just keep going."
0:03:35 > 0:03:39How far was the furthest you went, like, more than a mile, two miles?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Oh, more than that, but we'd never go out of the county. We lived in Surrey.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Cos you had no jurisdiction!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46LAUGHTER
0:03:46 > 0:03:49APPLAUSE
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Did you exceed the speed limit?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Uh, well, if they did we would then lose them
0:03:56 > 0:03:58cos we didn't have authority to speed.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:04What did you think they were guilty of? What were their crimes?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Why were you after them?
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Just because we'd been told to.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Who was telling you? - Bring him in.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Did you have little radios?
0:04:11 > 0:04:16"All units, we're looking for a green Ford Cortina,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19"registration Alpha, Papa, Papa, Alpha."
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Didn't know Alan Bennett was a policeman!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23LAUGHTER
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Here we go. He said um, he said...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- IMITATING ALAN BENNETT:- "We're looking for a car, it's just escaped.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:37"If anybody happens to see it, do take chase but don't get too close."
0:04:37 > 0:04:41David, I'm holding you responsible for that one.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I thought he'd already done it.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:48- So what do you think, David? - Yeah, I think it might be real. - I think he would.- It might be true.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- He had a bit of fun.- Well, I think we think it's true then.- Yeah.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56- You're going to say true?- Yeah. - Warwick Davis, truth or lie?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59It is the truth.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01APPLAUSE
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Yes, it's true.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09When Warwick got his first car, he and a friend would pretend to
0:05:09 > 0:05:11be cops, park up, eat burgers
0:05:11 > 0:05:14and tail cars they'd picked out of the traffic.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Next up, it's Jason.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22I was gutted when I first saw Rob Brydon's "small man in a box" routine,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25as for years I'd been entertaining my pals
0:05:25 > 0:05:27with my own "man trapped in my mouth".
0:05:27 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Well, first of all "small man in a box" is a silly little thing
0:05:32 > 0:05:37I do that nonetheless shows great talent, and it's this.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- USING A FAINT VOICE:- Where are you? I don't know where you are. Somebody get me out of here.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Thank you, now.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45APPLAUSE
0:05:47 > 0:05:49OK, can we, can we hear the man trapped?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Well, I'd rather not because...
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- You can't do it.- Because... - LAUGHTER
0:05:54 > 0:05:56What it is, is like I never thought about doing it as part
0:05:56 > 0:05:59of my act or anything like that but, you know, it's like anything
0:05:59 > 0:06:02that's really, you know, that you think, "that's good",
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- and then you see someone else do it properly and well, you know, like Rob.- Yeah.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11And I thought, I can't do that now cos it's been done.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- Mine's amateur in, in...- We'll take an amateur version, won't we? We won't...- Yeah, yeah.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17We'll take, we'll take any old rubbish you've got.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I'd be em, I'd be em, I'd be embarrassed to do it on.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- That's why we want you to do it. - On BBC One.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25I think the only way we can really get a grip on this is
0:06:25 > 0:06:28if you were to give us a little something of it.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Yeah, you've got to give us a sample.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31LAUGHTER
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- Let's have some water. You know what it's like, Rob.- Careful, he'll drown.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36LAUGHTER
0:06:37 > 0:06:40APPLAUSE
0:06:42 > 0:06:47Just warm, just warming up. Just putting, just putting him in.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48The part of the trick.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- Oh, you pretend to put him in, do you?- Yeah.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Can I just say before you do it, that's a nice detail that you
0:06:53 > 0:06:55might want to consider.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Anyway, enough prevaricating.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59All right. OK.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I wonder what you're going to do.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07LAUGHTER
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- HE SQUEALS:- Help, get me out. I can't get out.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I'm stuck in his mouth, I can't get out!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16APPLAUSE
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Why don't I see if I can coax my little man in a box
0:07:22 > 0:07:25to have a little chat to the man who you've got stuck in your mouth?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Here we go.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29The old Rob Brydon chat up line.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31LAUGHTER
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Here it comes, ready?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- IN A FAINT VOICE:- How are you feeling today?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36- SQUEALING:- Um.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Do you think it's possible that Jason might have been
0:07:47 > 0:07:49lying in what he's been saying?
0:07:49 > 0:07:53I don't know, cos he could be, he could be better at it than he's making out.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- No, I'll be honest with you. That's the best I've ever done it. - LAUGHTER
0:07:56 > 0:08:00I'll tell you what we'll do, just one last little try, just the best it can be for us.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05- SQUEALING:- I'm stuck in his mouth, I can't get out, help me.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I can't get out!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- USING NORMAL VOICE:- He's panicking now. He's panicking!
0:08:11 > 0:08:13APPLAUSE
0:08:14 > 0:08:16So what do you think then, Lee?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Warwick?
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Well, at first I thought he was lying
0:08:19 > 0:08:23but I'm tending to think now that he may well have done this.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24- Paul?- No, I think it's a lie.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26I think he's actually practised as he's been doing it.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29You think he's learnt that talent in the last five minutes?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I think that talent has really come to the fore in the last five minutes.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34You think it's a lie, Warwick thinks it's true.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I think it's...true, because he did it well.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- You think it's true?- I think it's true because he did it well.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- All right, you're saying true. - Well enough.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43OK, so Jason.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Yeah.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50It was...
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- True.- Ah. Good start, good start, Warwick.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57APPLAUSE
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Yes, it's true. Jason was gutted
0:08:59 > 0:09:03when he first saw my small man in a box routine because he'd been
0:09:03 > 0:09:07entertaining his mates with his man trapped in his mouth.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Our next round is called This Is My..., where we bring on a mystery
0:09:10 > 0:09:13guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Now, this week each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:09:16 > 0:09:18that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:09:18 > 0:09:21and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24So, please welcome this week's special guest, Neil.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26APPLAUSE
0:09:33 > 0:09:35So, Warwick, what is Neil to you?
0:09:35 > 0:09:41Well, this is Neil and he paid me to jump out of a tree in the park
0:09:41 > 0:09:44and propose to his girlfriend whilst dressed as an Ewok.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47LAUGHTER
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Paul, how do you know Neil?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52This is Neil, he's my neighbour and when he goes on holiday
0:09:52 > 0:09:55I look after his parrot and take it out in the cage for a walk.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57LAUGHTER
0:09:57 > 0:10:00And finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Neil?
0:10:00 > 0:10:01This is Neil,
0:10:01 > 0:10:06and to prove my manhood I once assaulted a Womble in front of him.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:11So there we have it.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Warwick's park proposer,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Paul's parrot-walking neighbour or Lee's Womble witness.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18David, where do you want to begin?
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Where to begin.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Yes, so Warwick.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Yes.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Clarify exactly the transaction that you underwent with Neil.
0:10:25 > 0:10:31He paid me to dress as an Ewok and propose to his girlfriend.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34So, but if YOU proposed to his girlfriend you then might
0:10:34 > 0:10:37have to marry his girlfriend. LAUGHTER
0:10:37 > 0:10:39No, it was on his behalf, I mean
0:10:39 > 0:10:43himself and his girlfriend were huge Star Wars fans.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46So you have got the costume at home just all the time.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Well, I was given one after working on the film.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Oh, they give you one. - You want to get that on eBay.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Then you wouldn't have to jump out of trees and propose to people.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:58You're obviously a successful actor. You know obviously
0:10:58 > 0:11:01been in Star Wars and you must have been doing better than having to
0:11:01 > 0:11:03pick these little jobs like this up.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- Well, yeah, but I mean... - He's here, isn't he?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08LAUGHTER
0:11:10 > 0:11:13There are sort of ups and downs in any actor's career.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I'll say it again, he's here, isn't he?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18LAUGHTER
0:11:18 > 0:11:20What was your line, what did you have to say?
0:11:20 > 0:11:25Well, I hopped out of the tree and I went, "Yup yup," which is
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Ewok language for "yippee".
0:11:28 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER
0:11:31 > 0:11:37And I said, "On behalf of Neil, will you marry him?"
0:11:37 > 0:11:42And thankfully she said yes and then he came out from behind the bush.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Just, I don't...
0:11:43 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER
0:11:47 > 0:11:51So the girl was in a park by herself,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54he's hiding behind a bush. He's not with her that day.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55No, no, no, no.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59You jump out of a tree dressed as an Ewok saying, "Yup yup,"
0:11:59 > 0:12:02and she stayed still and waited to hear the rest of the sentence!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04LAUGHTER
0:12:04 > 0:12:07No, Neil and I had organised it.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09She always went this way home from work.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11So she was walking home from work as well.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Was it after dark?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- No, no, no, it was in the summer. - OK.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- So you knew she'd pass that particular tree?- Yes. Yes.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20And what was her name?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Tracy.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- That is a name.- That is a name.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:26 > 0:12:28So you just walk away, leaving the two lovers together
0:12:28 > 0:12:31and you just go home and feel mission accomplished?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34That's an image, isn't it, them kissing and in the distance
0:12:34 > 0:12:37a little Ewok walks away like that, and a little wave.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Mission accomplished.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Just as he goes over the horizon. "My job here is done."
0:12:41 > 0:12:43LAUGHTER
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Yeah.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48As he's giving out the leaflets for the local restaurant.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50LAUGHTER
0:12:51 > 0:12:54And did you get an invite to the wedding?
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Yes, I did, yeah.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- You did, and did you go? - No, I didn't go.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58No.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59There was no money in that.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:05And how did it come about? How did you,
0:13:05 > 0:13:06how did they get in touch with you and...?
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Well, Neil came to a Star Wars convention that I was at
0:13:10 > 0:13:14and I had, I knew him when I was a kid.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I didn't really remember him but then when he asked me,
0:13:17 > 0:13:21"Look I'm going to propose to my girlfriend, she's a huge fan,"
0:13:21 > 0:13:24you know, and offered me some money to do it, I mean I...
0:13:24 > 0:13:26# That's what friends are for. #
0:13:26 > 0:13:27LAUGHTER
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Had there been a progression of, like...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Did he start with Hans Solo and go, right, he don't want to do it.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35All relationships start with hands solo.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38LAUGHTER
0:13:38 > 0:13:40APPLAUSE
0:13:42 > 0:13:45OK, well, let's move on to Paul.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50- Now, Neil is your neighbour...- Yeah. - ..and he owns a parrot.- Yes.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Why does the parrot need walking?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55It needs to get out in the fresh air.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59So you walk down the road just with the parrot in the cage.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Well, he's actually got, it's like a...
0:14:01 > 0:14:03It's not great exercise for the parrot, that, is it?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06No, no, it's to get the air, it's to get the air and it keeps him...
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- Couldn't you just use a hairdryer? - You could do!
0:14:08 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER
0:14:09 > 0:14:11What colour is the parrot?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Well, it's got a blue head and sort of brownsy.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Brownsy?- Brownsy wings. - Blue head, brown wings.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Yeah, a little dark down the bottom. - Sure it's not a pigeon?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22LAUGHTER
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- It's a bright, it's bright blue. - Oh right.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I mean, you seem to me too busy to be doing that as well.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30What does your neighbour do for a job?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Poor Warwick, but he doesn't seem too busy to be doing jumping out of trees!
0:14:33 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I think you'd take it into the garden and just let it get some fresh air.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40No, it's actually the movement, he wants to see where, you know, around.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42You could walk round the garden, couldn't you?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45You know those washing lines on a pole that spin round?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47You could just attach it to that and...
0:14:47 > 0:14:49LAUGHTER
0:14:49 > 0:14:51APPLAUSE
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Yeah.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55And where would you go on this walk, Paul, where?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59We live, we live in a village. Literally just up the lane
0:14:59 > 0:15:01at the top there's a little path which breaks
0:15:01 > 0:15:04out into the wheat fields. I'm literally, I don't go as far
0:15:04 > 0:15:06as I normally walk the dog, but about half way up the field and back.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09He offered me to have this, like a haversack.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12It's weird, and it's got a connection, you can
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- actually hold it on your back.- No way.- Yes.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15- In the cage?- In the cage.
0:15:15 > 0:15:20- Oh, I thought you meant without the cage and I thought...- Oh, no! - ..it could take off.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Argh!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:29- Now, what about Lee? - So, Lee, the Womble assault.- Yes.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34- Tell the story. - Well, there was a Womble and I...
0:15:34 > 0:15:37No, there wasn't, Wombles don't exist, it's a lie, OK?
0:15:37 > 0:15:41It's not an actual Womble, it's a toy Womble
0:15:41 > 0:15:43and the story is I went away on holiday when I was 16
0:15:43 > 0:15:48and it was me and Neil and another friend of ours, John, and
0:15:48 > 0:15:53we went to a little caravan site in Blackpool and I took the Womble with
0:15:53 > 0:15:56me because I had this Womble since I was a little kid and I don't know
0:15:56 > 0:16:01why but I took it on holiday with me and when I opened the suitcase,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03them two mercilessly took the mickey out of me
0:16:03 > 0:16:08and I said, "Ha, that old thing, I don't even know how it got in there."
0:16:08 > 0:16:12And to prove my manhood I got a pair of scissors, cut its ears off
0:16:12 > 0:16:17and then burnt it on the fire, and was devastated, but I tried to show
0:16:17 > 0:16:19my manhood by just not being bothered.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Like I don't bother about that, so.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Did you cry later on?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I was crying as I did it inside, but on the outside laughing. It's a bit like this show.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28LAUGHTER
0:16:28 > 0:16:32I will say, Lee, you, to me you've never seemed more human.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:40How did your friends react when you sliced up the Womble with the scissors?
0:16:40 > 0:16:45Did they go, "Yeah, you're a great lad," or did they, or were they...
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- You and your boy talk. - I know, I, yeah, yeah.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52It was a pretty rough comprehensive you went to, wasn't it, David?
0:16:52 > 0:16:58Yes, they all said, "You are a great lad," together, as they chanted and rang their bells at the same time.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01# You are a great lad, a great lad, a great. #
0:17:01 > 0:17:04They danced around me and put up the maypole.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06How did your friends react when they saw you?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Did they sort of go, "Oh, yeah, that's great, ha-ha,
0:17:09 > 0:17:14"he's one of the lads still," or did they go, "Oh, my God, he's a maniac"?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Right. They're only having a bit of fun going, ah, it's your Womble,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19they didn't expect me to, "No, it's not."
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- Yeah.- So, you burnt it as well.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26I burnt his face against the fire in there.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Sorry, I'd forgotten that bit. - Yeah, oh, yeah.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34Priceless. "I'd better burn its face so that I seem normal"!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36LAUGHTER
0:17:36 > 0:17:37We need an answer, David.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Is Neil Warwick's park proposer,
0:17:41 > 0:17:46Paul's parrot-walking neighbour or Lee's Womble witness?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Joan, what do you think?
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Well, I think if I was a fan of Warwick and the show
0:17:52 > 0:17:57I would think that would be quite a larky thing to do.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01I really, I genuinely hope it's not true about Lee,
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- cos I think that must have been very upsetting...- Me too.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06..and then it must be very upsetting when the point came
0:18:06 > 0:18:09and you realised you have to use that terrible moment in your past
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- on a TV comedy show.- David, David... - That must be, that's...
0:18:12 > 0:18:15It is series seven, I'm getting desperate.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18By series 23 I'll be going,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21"I had to see a child psychologist cos Mummy left."
0:18:21 > 0:18:22LAUGHTER
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Come on the show with an eye patch on saying,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28"I blinded myself in one eye before the show."
0:18:28 > 0:18:29LAUGHTER
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Who knows, could it be an eye or a wound?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- I think the parrot one is the least plausible...- Yeah.- ..for me.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42I think Warwick's telling the truth. I think that's the closest to reality.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46- I hope it is.- I think I too think it's most likely to be Warwick that's telling the truth.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- You think it's Warwick.- Yeah. - You think it's the Ewok, it's the jumping out of the tree
0:18:50 > 0:18:57and the proposal. OK. Right, Neil, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Rob, my name is Neil and I'm a friend of Lee's
0:19:01 > 0:19:03and I witnessed the Womble assault.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I think I feel a thousand years older.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Thank you very much, Neil. Thank you.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24APPLAUSE
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Which brings us to our final round Quick-fire Lies,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth
0:19:33 > 0:19:35but against the clock and again they don't know whether
0:19:35 > 0:19:38they're about to read out a true fact about themselves,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40or a made-up lie they've never seen before.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43We start with... It's Joan.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49For the last 30 years my breakfast regime has never altered.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53I have one bowl of porridge, one large banana
0:19:53 > 0:19:56and half a pint of lager.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER
0:20:00 > 0:20:04- Lee.- How much do we want this to be true?
0:20:04 > 0:20:05LAUGHTER
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- It's healthy.- It really isn't.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Sorry to break it to you but porridge is not good for you.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14LAUGHTER
0:20:14 > 0:20:18So for 30 years, why did you start apart from emotional problems?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- Well...- Drinking for breakfast.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24I had a bit of a thing about staying healthy as I got older.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29I thought it was important to have a routine, to have a regular nourishment that was,
0:20:29 > 0:20:34that answered many of the needs of the diet fads that were around at the time
0:20:34 > 0:20:37and then of course once I'd started I liked it.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Where did the alcohol come into it though?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Well, you, I mean you can't just have porridge by itself and a banana.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45It's very dry, you have to have something to drink with it.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Are you seriously, in a half pint glass or in a pint glass that's half full?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50No, no, no, a half, it's half a pint.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- Have you got it on draft in the kitchen? - LAUGHTER
0:20:52 > 0:20:56No, I don't do that. I buy lager like other people do, in cans.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I don't gulp it down.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Sips it like a lady.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I just enjoy it, I read the Guardian while I'm...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05You read the Guardian with your half a lager!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Exactly.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- HE SLURS:- Forget the paper.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER
0:21:20 > 0:21:24So when you go abroad do you hunt down bananas and lager?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Yes, it's not difficult if you stay at the right places.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30It's not difficult to acquire lager anywhere in the world.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- All hotels do have lager.- Yeah. - Yeah, but why specifically...
0:21:33 > 0:21:35That not the bit we're doubting, David.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- Well, I'm...- We're not doubting where you get them.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Porridge is also well-known as a breakfast food, I don't see
0:21:40 > 0:21:44which of these three things do you think will be somehow unattainable.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- It's not...- In the places you might go and stay on holiday or business.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Some places you go to you will find it difficult to find porridge.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- Where?- Er, some of the Greek countries you'll find it difficult to,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- Cyprus, you'll have...- I have to say I have...
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Some of the Greek countries, like Greece?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:06That's not been... The problem that I've encountered is when
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- I go to stay somewhere in which I've rented a villa or something.- Yeah.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12And then I take porridge oats with me.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13And beer, some lager as well.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15No, you can order that.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Where do you go and...
0:22:16 > 0:22:18You can't order it in a villa.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20No, you can't order it but you can take it.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Unless you open the door and scream, "I'm a heavy drinker, somebody help me!"
0:22:23 > 0:22:29It's seven in the morning. Argh! I NEED LAGER! And porridge and a banana. Thank you.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER
0:22:30 > 0:22:34I have genuinely never been in a villa in another country
0:22:34 > 0:22:37when there hasn't also been lager there.
0:22:37 > 0:22:43- In the villa?- Yeah. It's not naturally occurring but when people go on holiday,
0:22:43 > 0:22:48British people they go on holiday, the first thing they do is they buy a load of lager.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Do you find yourselves sometimes on a stressful week having quite a few breakfasts during the day?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54LAUGHTER
0:22:55 > 0:22:59What are you? Were you in the green room before, what are you having for dinner, Joan?
0:22:59 > 0:23:03"I'll just have another breakfast actually, porridge, a banana and yes, another little half a lager."
0:23:03 > 0:23:10Let, let me, let me just say, Joan, whatever it is that you do, it's working...
0:23:10 > 0:23:15- Thank you. - ..because you look fantastic. you see, that's how you talk to a lady.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Now, Lee, what are you thinking?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19She couldn't understand a word you said, she's drunk.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21LAUGHTER
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Is it the truth or is it a lie? Time to decide.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28I think she looks great and that's why I don't think she drinks half a lager.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Cos look at me, I do drink lager every morning and I'm 24.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34LAUGHTER
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- What do you think, Warwick? - Yeah, I, I think it's a lie.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- You think it's a lie.- I think it's a lie. Let's go for a lie.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- So you're going to say it's a lie? - I'll say it's a lie.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44OK, they're saying it's a lie.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Joan, was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:23:46 > 0:23:47It was a lie.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49APPLAUSE
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Yes, it was a lie.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56For the last 30 years Joan's breakfast regime hasn't been
0:23:56 > 0:24:00one bowl of porridge, one large banana and a half a pint of lager.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Next... It's Lee.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08I can smell if there is a dead fly in the room.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10LAUGHTER
0:24:19 > 0:24:24Can I just say, I know it sounds ridiculous.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26But I can smell a dead fly in the room.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30So, is what you're saying that if there isn't a dead fly in the room
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- you have no sense of smell? - No, that's not what I'm saying,
0:24:34 > 0:24:38and you know damn well that's not what I'm saying, David.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42No, I can smell if there is a dead fly in the room. I can smell the dead fly.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44So is there one, is there a dead fly in here?
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Hold on.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47LAUGHTER
0:24:49 > 0:24:50No, I can't smell a dead fly in this room.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55- Obviously, this isn't what we call a normal size room, is it? - Oh, I see.- Well, a room in my house.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57How do you prove this? Do you actually sniff it out?
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Can you, like a sniffer dog you actually find the dead fly with your nose?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- Or do you just go.- No, no, no. - There's a dead fly in here.- I never told you I could find them.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08You can't locate it, you just know it's somewhere within the walls.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Not, not within the wall.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14I'm not talking about flies that might have been killed by a serial killer and then sort of plastered in.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Yeah, yeah. I can't smell them. I can't smell them, no, no. Definitely not.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21- Right, OK. - But you can't locate them, you just know they're somewhere in the room.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23I can smell if there's a dead fly in the room.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER
0:25:25 > 0:25:27How can you put it to the test
0:25:27 > 0:25:30because you might have been in a room in which there was
0:25:30 > 0:25:35a dead fly and you have not smelt it and said, "There is no dead fly in this room,"
0:25:35 > 0:25:38and people have believed you and yet lurking in the corner...
0:25:38 > 0:25:42It's a good question, Joan. It's a very good question, and I wish that I had a good answer.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Just by the law of averages there's been too many times
0:25:45 > 0:25:48when I've gone in a room and gone, "There's a dead fly in this room,"
0:25:48 > 0:25:51and quite often we will see the dead fly.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54What do you mean "quite often"? It has to be always, it has to be always.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I can smell if there's a dead fly in the room
0:25:56 > 0:25:58so I will go in and go, "I think there's a dead fly in the room."
0:25:58 > 0:26:01That's just a polite way of talking, David.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06- I don't go, "There is a dead fly in the room, it's a fact every time." - This room is a disgrace!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I talk, I talk more softly than you, David, I have a softer...
0:26:09 > 0:26:10I don't show off about my talents.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14I walk in a room and I go, "I think there's a dead fly in this room."
0:26:14 > 0:26:16In fact, no, I think you'll find there is definitely.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17LAUGHTER
0:26:17 > 0:26:20There always is. There always is.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24What does the dead fly smell of?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27It's a smell that I wouldn't want to describe to a friend.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- Try, imagine you're a wine connoisseur.- Right.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31But it's the smell of a dead fly.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- I'm getting... - Yeah, what are you getting?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I'm getting a... I'm getting a bit of wing.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40I'm getting, er, I'm getting another wing, er,
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- and er, how many wings has a fly got? Is it two or four?- Four.- Four.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Another wing, and, no, wait, wait.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50There's only three wings. I think I know how this fly died. Um.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53LAUGHTER
0:26:53 > 0:26:55You've not really described the smell there.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00You've described the body parts of a fly while making sniffing noises.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Well, I can't, you know, I'm a professional. You're an amateur.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04I'm trying to say it in layman's terms.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Well, earlier on, I was, er, I came to see you in your dressing room
0:27:07 > 0:27:10to say hello and I had a little look in the window and only now I'm
0:27:10 > 0:27:13thinking, there was a dead fly in there and you never mentioned it.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Before you came in I went, "Oh, smell a fly."
0:27:16 > 0:27:19But I found that that smell was soon overpowered, Jason.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER
0:27:23 > 0:27:26David, time to make your mind up. Is he telling the truth?
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Is that whole fly-smelling thing real?
0:27:30 > 0:27:35Um, well, let us pay him the respect of pretending to consider it.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Joan, you don't believe him when he says?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- I do not believe him. - Well, I think lie.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46You think lie. You're saying lie. OK.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Lee, were you telling the truth or was that a lie?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52I've actually started believing it myself.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54LAUGHTER
0:27:54 > 0:27:55It's a lie.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Yes, it was a lie, Lee can't smell if there's a dead fly in the room.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- BUZZER - Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
0:28:06 > 0:28:11I can reveal that Lee has triumphed by three points to two.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14APPLAUSE
0:28:16 > 0:28:18But it's not just a team game,
0:28:18 > 0:28:22my individual liar of the week this week is Warwick Davis.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:26 > 0:28:31Yes, Warwick Davis, who would have thought it? An Ewok who tells lies.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Whatever next, Yoda trying to sell us mobile phones?
0:28:34 > 0:28:35Good night.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38APPLAUSE
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd