0:00:26 > 0:00:31Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show where fibbing is fabulous.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33On David Mitchell's team tonight
0:00:33 > 0:00:36a lady who's the presenter of The Great British Bake Off.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I love the celebrity version
0:00:38 > 0:00:41where they made a variety of fruit cakes and tarts
0:00:41 > 0:00:42make some biscuits.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43It's Mel Giedroyc.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:54And a presenter who like me has been in Nicole Scherzinger's house,
0:00:54 > 0:00:55but unlike me he was invited.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57From the X Factor, Dermot O'Leary.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:04And on Lee Mack's team tonight
0:01:04 > 0:01:07a man who when he played rugby showed a beautiful left foot
0:01:07 > 0:01:10and when he danced on Strictly showed two of them.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12From A Question Of Sport, Matt Dawson.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:16 > 0:01:21And the star of The Last Leg, whose looks and personality have proved
0:01:21 > 0:01:24no obstacle to his success, it's Josh Widdicombe.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:29 > 0:01:32And so let's begin with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists
0:01:32 > 0:01:34read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37To make things harder, they've never seen the card before
0:01:37 > 0:01:39so they've no idea what they'll be faced with
0:01:39 > 0:01:40and it's up to the opposing team
0:01:40 > 0:01:44to sort the fact from the fiction. Josh Widdicombe, you're first up.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Possession.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48- Ah OK, there's a box...- OK.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51..which I think is at the side of your desk, can you see it?
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Yeah, I've got it.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- Would you read the card first?- Yeah.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Then, bring out the possession.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59A-ha!
0:01:59 > 0:02:02"These are my favourite boxer shorts.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04"Despite the fact they've seen better days
0:02:04 > 0:02:06"we have such a strong bond I still wear them."
0:02:06 > 0:02:10- Ah, right. You're my kind of guy. - OK, now let's have a look at this possession.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Let's see.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- MEL:- Oh, hello.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Hello.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Sorry you've gotta show the back bit, that's, that's vile.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- What's that?- That is...
0:02:23 > 0:02:25No, no, no.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27And that's the back bit.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Oh, no.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Do you still wear those, Josh, as pants or are they...?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Yeah, I don't wear them as a hat.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Josh, how many pants do you have, how many pairs, roughly, would you say?
0:02:37 > 0:02:3810 to 12.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40So these get used, what, once a fortnight?
0:02:40 > 0:02:41You've done the maths, yeah.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45So there are two days where you don't wear pants.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Is tonight one of those days?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I don't know if you wear boxers, I think you might be a, um...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- A briefs guy. - Briefs, is that what they're called?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- Oh, that is...- Hammocks.- That is, no. - You're young, you're quite trendy,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03the hair's forwards which to me says you're quite you know trendy.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Isn't that...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Don't listen to her, Matt.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Josh, if I was your girlfriend I would want to dust with those,
0:03:14 > 0:03:15I wouldn't want to see them on you.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Can I ask you something, how long have you had them for?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I would have probably got them
0:03:20 > 0:03:22when I was about 18,
0:03:22 > 0:03:23so that was 12 years.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- Explain the bond you have with these pants.- It's nothing personal.- What have you been through with them?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31They haven't got any specific memory but I just don't like wastage, really,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34and they're still perfectly usable.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35No, they're not.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38The frightening thing is
0:03:38 > 0:03:39- if they're not Josh's pants...- Yeah.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42..whose pants are they?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Well, Josh, would you help us out here
0:03:45 > 0:03:47by perhaps just slipping into them
0:03:47 > 0:03:49so we could get an idea of the fit?
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Yeah.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Get 'em on, get 'em on, get 'em on!
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Get 'em on.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55AUDIENCE CLAP AND CHANT
0:03:55 > 0:03:58This is what women chant at me in bed.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Josh, maybe round here somewhere would be nice.- Here?
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- That's going to be a good spot. - Yeah, I mean, obviously I'll take my shoes off.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08You see, look, he doesn't seem au fait with the mapping of them.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11It's not that you get familiar with pants and it becomes a second nature.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13He's not at ease with those pants.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16This is genuinely one of the lowest moments of my life, by the way.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Just so you know.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21If I had a penny for every time someone said that on this show.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24So, oh my God.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28I suppose all you can do now is pray that it's edited sympathetically.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Which in all honestly is unlikely.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Josh, my love, that waistband is a good two inches too big for you.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Well, if you feel the elastic, Mel... - Come on.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Mel, you don't have to touch anything you don't want to.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48If you feel the elastic, then it's kind of gone a bit.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I'm going to do something slightly sinister.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54I've been dreaming of this since Late Lunch, I'm not going to lie to you.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Look, come closer, love, come closer.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Yep, there's a whole finger.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07All right, just take your shoes and please go back to your seat.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I feel like I've been thrown out of a pub, "Take your shoes and go."
0:05:13 > 0:05:16David, it's time to gather your thoughts
0:05:16 > 0:05:20and ask yourself whether or not Josh is telling the truth.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21I think, Mel...
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Yes, my love.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Is... You're strongly of the opinion that those are not Josh's pants.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28He did not seem at ease when he was touching...
0:05:28 > 0:05:30He was intimidated by the pants.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- He was intimidated.- Yeah.- He was.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37I agree with you that there's a stylistic clash between Josh and those pants.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I'm not buying it, there's no anecdote,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42there's no, ah, I kept these when so and so broke up with me.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44If he's going to keep a pair of pants that long
0:05:44 > 0:05:46you've gotta be through some good times
0:05:46 > 0:05:49and by the looks of it some bad times.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53So what are you thinking then?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Well, I think we think it's a lie.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- All of you all agreed. OK.- Yeah.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Josh Widdicombe, the pants.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Can I just say, either way, I'll give them to Mel so she can dust with them from now on.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Thank you, thanks darling. - That's lovely, that's heart warming.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Is it the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I am ashamed to say
0:06:10 > 0:06:12it's the truth.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14APPLAUSE
0:06:22 > 0:06:24CHEERING
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Yes, it's true,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29they were indeed Josh's favourite boxer shorts
0:06:29 > 0:06:31which he still wears.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Mel, you're next.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34"I once had a snog
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"with one of the people here
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"on Would I Lie To You? tonight."
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Ohhh!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44One of us...six? Yeah, six.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Hang on a minute, I'm here as well.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- Yeah, six.- It could have been me. - She didn't snog herself, did she?
0:06:50 > 0:06:51That's true. That's true.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Oh God, oh my word!
0:06:54 > 0:07:01I think my poor grasp of mathematics has never been more cruelly exposed.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07So one of us six people, you... Why am I saying one of the six? I know it wasn't me!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09One of them five, was it you?
0:07:09 > 0:07:10It's true.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Oh, no, no, no, I'm Spartacus.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17You see I, I genuinely think...
0:07:17 > 0:07:20It's going to be a bit awkward if all six of us have snogged her.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24But she can only remember one.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27If it's true
0:07:27 > 0:07:30will the person remember, or was it like a drunken thing or?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I don't know if they will remember.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- This is getting awkward, if this is true this could be very awkward. - I don't know.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38So how many years ago?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I think it was in '98,
0:07:41 > 0:07:43so, 15 years ago.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Just a snog?
0:07:44 > 0:07:49- Yeah.- Oh, it's going to be David at university, isn't it?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Why, did they go to university together?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53They're both, Cambridge, aren't they?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- We did.- Yes.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56And were you in the same...
0:07:56 > 0:07:58But, but...
0:07:58 > 0:07:59LAUGHTER
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- No, but...- The plot thickens.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04David... (is quite a lot... quite a lot younger than me).
0:08:04 > 0:08:08- So that might...- But were you still hanging around the university?
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Trying to prey on freshers in Freshers' Week.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15What you haven't said yet, Mel,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19is you haven't really painted a lovely picture for us
0:08:19 > 0:08:22of the circumstances, where you were,
0:08:22 > 0:08:23just talk us through that.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25It was a works do.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Uh, not me, I've never worked in my life.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32It was a works do and everyone had been working very, very hard,
0:08:32 > 0:08:37it was a long series, and it was the end of term party.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- Stop looking at me, Mel. - End of series party.- You're scaring the bloomin' daylights out of me.
0:08:41 > 0:08:46- What was the series?- The series. - It was the England rugby team 2003.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Was it a test series?
0:08:52 > 0:08:56- Oh, it was a show back in the late '90s.- Was it Late Lunch?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59It was called Late Lunch/Light Lunch.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02So was the person you kissed a guest on the show
0:09:02 > 0:09:03or were they a regular on it or...?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05No, we were colleagues.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08This is a totally new type of round for this game.
0:09:08 > 0:09:14Stop trying to work out whether it's true or not, just who it is.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Who was it?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Who was it that you kissed?
0:09:24 > 0:09:25- ROB CLEARS HIS THROAT - Was it Rob?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Please tell me when you kissed him he didn't do that.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Who was it that you kissed?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Dermot, it was Dermot.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- Dermot?- It was Dermot.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Wow!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45This is a weird one now because if it's not true
0:09:45 > 0:09:48poor Dermot now has got to answer all these questions.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I don't think you're allowed to question other panellists.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56No, no, we're in new territory, this has never happened before.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Rob?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59My proclamation is thus.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03You can quiz O'Leary, however...
0:10:03 > 0:10:07he doesn't have to answer unless he so chooses.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Whoa!
0:10:08 > 0:10:12To be fair, that's true with everyone.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15We cannot be legally required to speak.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18If you want to make people talk when they don't want to you have to waterboard them.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I'm happy to waterboard him if you want to.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Mel, what was Dermot doing in this show?
0:10:25 > 0:10:32Dermot was the guy responsible for getting the audience in.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- Has Dermot said if he remembers this? - Do you remember this?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37That would scupper my team's chance, I can't answer that.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Yeah, that's handy, you mean no.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44- So you were working on... - I was working the Light Lunch. - What was your position?
0:10:44 > 0:10:45I was a sort of audience researcher so...
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Well that's handy, just what she's just said yeah.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51In 1998 were you in a relationship or is it OK to push you on this?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55I'm not sure.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00You said at the time, Dermot, that you weren't in a relationship.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Ah well, he can't have been then.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07So what are you going to say then, Lee? What are you thinking?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Ah, it's an interesting one this, isn't it?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I think... It feels like...
0:11:11 > 0:11:12- Plausible.- Do you think?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- I think it's plausible. - It is plausible.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15It's definitely plausible.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19I just think O'Leary's been too kind of reticent on the details and the facts.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22But it could be awkward cos he doesn't remember,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25or he remembers very well and he's trying to play for his team.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- A gentleman doesn't tell. - I think it's a lie.- You think it's a lie.- Based on O'Leary.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Matt, what are, what are you thinking on this?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I'm not, I'm not sure, I don't think the dates fit. Lie.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36We'll go with lie then.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37You're saying it's a lie.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- I think it might be true but I'll go with my team and say lie.- OK.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Mel, it was a wonderful, wonderful tale,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47was it true or were you telling a lie?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Rob, gents, Dermot,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I was telling...
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- the truth.- Ohhh!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Dermot, everything that Mel said was true.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10100% bona fide.
0:12:10 > 0:12:16Yes, it's true, Mel did have a snog with Dermot O'Leary.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:12:19 > 0:12:21who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Now this week each of David's team will claim it's them
0:12:24 > 0:12:26that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:12:26 > 0:12:29and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32so please welcome this week's special guest, Shaylene.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34APPLAUSE
0:12:39 > 0:12:42So, we will begin with Dermot.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Dermot, what is Shaylene to you?
0:12:44 > 0:12:49This is Shaylene and I asked Shaylene out 156 times.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Mel, how do you know Shaylene?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55This is Shaylene. When we were kids I cut her hair
0:12:55 > 0:12:58to plump up the stuffing in my teddy bear.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03There we are, finally David Mitchell.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- I want that to be true, I want that...- Yeah, that's amazing.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09How do you know Shaylene, David?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11This is Shaylene.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13She is the swimming pool lifeguard
0:13:13 > 0:13:18who talked me into letting go of the diving board I was clinging to
0:13:18 > 0:13:21after I panicked mid boing.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:27 > 0:13:31So, there we have it,
0:13:31 > 0:13:35is it Dermot's romance rejecter, Mel's teddy stuffing supplier,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37or David's diving board saviour?
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Lee, where do you want to start?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Wow where we start that one? Dermot...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43When was this?
0:13:43 > 0:13:47I'd have been probably 14 and Shaylene was a year younger than me.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- How did you do it, was it all face to face?- Yep.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51As, as opposed to what?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- We, we went to, um...- Or text?
0:13:53 > 0:13:54He was 14.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Oh sorry, yeah of, course.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Do you know, before, it was all different.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04In the old days what we used to do is just press our faces against the bathroom window and shout.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Dermot, just to be clear, how many times did you ask her out?
0:14:08 > 0:14:09156.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11In, like, how many sittings?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Probably over the course of about 18 months.
0:14:14 > 0:14:1518 months.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- Why did you count them?- Yeah.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Because...
0:14:18 > 0:14:23It takes 156 times for him to know she's not interested.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25After a while it became,
0:14:25 > 0:14:29I suppose, it became like almost like a right of passage.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Shaylene lived in a different village to the village I grew up in.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Which village was this?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I grew up in a village called Marks Tey and Shaylene lived in Great Tey.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39And where was this. Mordor?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43And Shaylene went to same youth club as me.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Youth club. It's getting more rock and roll this story.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Shaylene was the only girl in the village who had black hair...
0:14:50 > 0:14:51and, er...
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Have you looked to your left?
0:14:54 > 0:14:55At least Mel is realistic.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58She had black, jet black hair
0:14:58 > 0:15:02all in, kind of, a lovely sort of '80s Madonna-style quiff.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06- The first time she said no, how long did you leave it till the second time?- The next week.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11- So it's every week you were doing it?- Yeah.- Every week, 156 weeks, 18 months, that adds up.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- Sometimes twice a week.- Rob's thinking it does, but it doesn't.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Sometimes twice a week, sometimes twice in the same night, oh, go on, go out with me.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21So when it got to a hundred did you not think, probably not going to happen?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Thought I'm still in, keep batting.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Lee, who else would you like to quiz?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- Who shall we go with next?- Mel.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32OK. How old were you?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34When the hair cutting happened?
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- Yes, obviously I don't mean... - Oh, sorry.- ..how old were you, er, on your 12th birthday?
0:15:38 > 0:15:44So, Shaylene's older sister Charlotte is a good friend of mine.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Shaylene and Charlotte.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Yes, Shaylene and Charlotte.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Who was her dad, Sh, Sh, Sean Connery?
0:15:50 > 0:15:56Shaylene and Charlotte came over to ours to do a sleepover.
0:15:56 > 0:16:01We had a bunk bed, and I wanted her to sleep on the top bunk.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02This is the bit, you see.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Because we had a game in our house
0:16:05 > 0:16:08whereby if you slept on the top bunk
0:16:08 > 0:16:12you had to drape your hair over the side of the bunk.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Like Rapunzel.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Tell you what, Dermot, I'm glad you didn't go back to hers now.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22He'd have said, "No, my hair's too short."
0:16:22 > 0:16:25She went, "Don't worry, use something else."
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Go on.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I had a secret plan with Shaylene.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35I wanted her to fall asleep on the top bunk
0:16:35 > 0:16:37so that I could cut her beautiful hair.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I didn't cut that much.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Right, how much did you cut?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- About two inches. - That's a lot of hair.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- So having cut this hair off... - Yes?- ..what did you do with it?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49So I had this lovely beloved teddy bear Patch.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51And, er, had a bit of a hole in it.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53What?
0:16:53 > 0:16:54I remember exactly where.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Where?- Shoulder down to mid arm.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00How did the hole start, did you make the hole?
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Just love, just love.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Is that what you call love? Ripping off a man's arm.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Dermot.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Lee, what about David?
0:17:09 > 0:17:13David. Remind us again of this utter truth.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Um, Shaylene is the swimming pool lifeguard
0:17:16 > 0:17:20who talked me down when I was clasping on to a diving board.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Were you actually hanging off it?
0:17:21 > 0:17:26Yeah, I had my arms round it like that and it was at head height.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28But how did you get to that position?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I was considering jumping off the diving board
0:17:31 > 0:17:35and I remained indecisive too long in the process.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Right. At the last minute you went but panicked and stopped.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Exactly.- And of course... - And I sort of...- Cos you weren't...
0:17:41 > 0:17:45..slid off it and grabbed it and was left there dangling.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47And had you gone to the pool specifically to dive
0:17:47 > 0:17:50or had you gone with a bunch of mates and you were larking around,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53bombing, heavy petting,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56all the things that we're not supposed to do but if I know you,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59the rebel that you are, you would have been doing them.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03It was one of my regular late night music parties in the municipal baths.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05How old were you?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08It was recently, it was...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- How recently? - It was just about an hour ago.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16No, it was, it was last autumn.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20I'd have thought if David Mitchell had been hanging off a diving board,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23someone would have taken a photo and tweeted that, wouldn't they?
0:18:23 > 0:18:27I don't think you're allowed to have mobile phones in swimming pools.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Come the advent of the aqua phone
0:18:29 > 0:18:32my water sports days are over.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Have you ever dived in off a diving board headfirst at that point?
0:18:35 > 0:18:39No, and I certainly wasn't planning on doing this headfirst.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Oh you were going to go feet first. - Absolutely.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44And so you'd jumped you...
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I was thinking of this programme
0:18:46 > 0:18:51and I thought, well I can lose up to about there, it'll be fine.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58You know, they could prop the remnant on a bar stool and I can still do the job.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03So I thought I'll go in with the non-panel show end first.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06As you've leapt off,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09at that point you think, I'm going in, change your mind,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12spin in the air, grab the board and land and just do that,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14because I think that's a 10.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15I'm giving a 10 for that.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19It was, the moment of indecision changed...
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- That made you stumble.- Changed how I... I mean I, I can't entirely...
0:19:23 > 0:19:28- Did you...- It's bizarre considering it happened to me,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31I can't entirely visualise it.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35So, er, what are you thinking, Lee?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I want to know exactly how Shaylene talked down David.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41She said, "Are you all right?"
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Which you know wasn't the best question in the world but, er...
0:19:44 > 0:19:45- She's clearly trained.- Yes.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47What did you say?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I think I said something like, "Oh, yes, sorry, I slipped."
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Sorry I slipped?!
0:19:51 > 0:19:56One minute you're panicking and then, "Oh, sorry, I slipped, forgive me."
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Even in near death situations you're middle class.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03"Sorry, I appear to have slipped, my dear."
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- I didn't say... - "Could you fetch my cravat? It appears to have wafted away."
0:20:08 > 0:20:12I didn't say sorry I slipped in a suave tone of voice, Lee,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14but I did say sorry,
0:20:14 > 0:20:20because it's very deeply ingrained in me to apologise at almost any occasion.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23How did you say it then, if you didn't say it in a suave way?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26"Sorry, I slipped! Sorry, I slipped!"
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Like that.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28You were quite panicked.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I was quite panicked.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32What happened then, what did she say?
0:20:32 > 0:20:36She said, "It's all right, stay calm," "Too late!" I screamed.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Where is she? Is she on the floor or is she on up top?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42She has got on the diving board.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44What, she's up there with you?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46She's giving it a little wobble.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49She's not got to the boingy end, she's just...
0:20:49 > 0:20:52"Do you mind if I have a little skip whilst we're doing this?"
0:20:52 > 0:20:58It was only after a few minutes had passed that she threatened to boing me off.
0:20:58 > 0:21:04Wow! I'll tell you what, these municipal swimming pools.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09Do you know what, I would say that constitutes heavy petting.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12So you were hanging on for a few minutes?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15No, not really, for a few... I think for about four or five minutes.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Four or five? Oh, the eagle-eyed lifeguard(!)
0:21:21 > 0:21:23She just...
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"Oh, I wish I could use me whistle."
0:21:27 > 0:21:29How did she make you go from, I don't want to let go,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32to letting go, what kind of words did she use?
0:21:32 > 0:21:36"It's OK just drop in, you know, I promise you won't hit the bottom."
0:21:36 > 0:21:42Just drop in? I'm around three o'clock till six on Thursday.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Do you have Earl Grey ice cream?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Feel free to drop in any time you like.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Go on, yes.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58So you were hanging on but what did she say to make you let go?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Um, I think "It's fine, you won't hurt yourself",
0:22:02 > 0:22:04she said, "This happens a lot."
0:22:08 > 0:22:11"If you'd come in here half an hour earlier there'd be three of you...
0:22:12 > 0:22:15"Only just cleared the last backlog."
0:22:15 > 0:22:18OK, so Lee, we need an answer.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Is Shaylene Dermot's romance rejecter,
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Mel's teddy stuffing supplier,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28or David's diving board saviour?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30What do you think?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33David...has no...
0:22:33 > 0:22:35to hang onto something for four or five minutes.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- That's a long...- That is. - That's a long time to hang on.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- Long time. - You couldn't hang on that long.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Dermot said she had black hair.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44156.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45That's a lot, isn't it?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48It's a lot and it's a very specific number.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49- It's too precise.- I think Mel.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- It's got to be Mel.- You think Mel?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- Mel had emotion and feeling. - Mel.- I would go Mel. - I'll go with the team and say Mel.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56You're all in agreement. OK.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Shaylene,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00please reveal your true identity.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Hi, I'm Shaylene
0:23:01 > 0:23:06and Dermot asked me out 156 times.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Thank you, Shaylene, thank you very much.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,
0:23:16 > 0:23:20in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth but against the clock.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22We start with...
0:23:22 > 0:23:23BUZZER
0:23:23 > 0:23:25It's Lee.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28"At school I was given the nickname The Charmer
0:23:28 > 0:23:33"because I was the only one who could console the school snake whenever it got agitated."
0:23:33 > 0:23:35LAUGHTER
0:23:35 > 0:23:36David and team.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42So,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44what type of snake was the school snake?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Er... it was, er, do you know what, I genuinely can't remember what type of snake it was it was.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- I could describe it.- Go on.- Go on.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Er, legless?
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Er, it was, yes, it was, it was about so big.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- What was it called?- Er...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02it was called, I think it was called Sammy.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05You remember its name but not its species.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Well I'm like that with women.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Grass snake rings a bell. I think.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Why did your school go for a snake, as opposed to a mouse or some such...
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Oh, it had a mouse as well but it was in there with the snake.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23What was in the tank other than the snake.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Well, it was open plan,
0:24:25 > 0:24:29there was an area in the corner where he used to sleep,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- we used to call it the bedding area. - What was there?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- What was there?- Never mind what he used to do there.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- Just like an ordinary bed but just a lot longer.- A bed was there.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39A lot longer and a lot thinner.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Very long and thin, extremely hard to tuck in at night.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48By the time you'd done one side and gone round the other side,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50this side had come up again.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- You'd be there forever. It was awful.- Very long thin.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- Very long thin bed.- Mattress.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Very long thin mattress.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59This wasn't one of those snakes that likes to sleep curled up.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- No, no, no. - It likes to stretch out on it.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03Right out like that.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Why did the snake need charming?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Was it a particularly aggressive snake or...?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11It was, it used to do this little thing
0:25:11 > 0:25:15where it used to raise its head up and sort of shake its head like that, left to right.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19And I said to the teacher, "What's that? What's he doing that for?"
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Oh, so you were taught in the same room as the snake?
0:25:22 > 0:25:26We went to different lessons but in one of the classrooms there was.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28This was during snake studies or...
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Well that's what the PE teacher called it.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36So I said, as well as the other kids, we'd say,
0:25:36 > 0:25:38"What does it do that for? and the teacher said,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40"That is a sign that the snake is getting agitated."
0:25:40 > 0:25:43And I said, "I bet I can stop that,"
0:25:43 > 0:25:45and I lifted off the thing and I just went like that,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48and I stroked the back of its head as a joke and it stopped.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- So you can't demonstrate it on a snake, but you...- No, I can't.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53But Matt is there, I mean, what if Matt...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56What if Matt were to be a little agitated,
0:25:56 > 0:26:00I wonder if employing the same methods you could calm Matt?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- Well...- Matt could you be a little agitated?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Matt, if you could be a snake now if you put your head down here,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- yeah, put, put your head further down.- I'll put it...
0:26:08 > 0:26:12- Put your head here, cos the head starts off down, right?- Right. - Now get into character.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14From a certain angle this looks really dodgy.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18It looks like I'm just about to go bowling.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22So you're looking down, right, and you're the snake,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26and now suddenly you're a snake, you're agitated.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28That is an agitated snake. You're all worried, aren't you?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Don't worry, I'll sort this out.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Now I'm going to use my hand,
0:26:32 > 0:26:34cos in proportion to the head that's a finger, yeah.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Then I stroke the back of the head like this,
0:26:37 > 0:26:39and watch him, watch the snake calm.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Go down.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Down.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:51So what do you think then, David?
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Lee claims that his teacher called him The Charmer,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56and that's the nickname that stayed with him.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58I'd have got murdered at my school
0:26:58 > 0:27:02if my teacher would have said, "You, you're the charmer," that's it.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04There's so much of that that I've got a problem with,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06that thing, the fact it was a grass snake.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Time for a decision, right now.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10I think we think it's a lie.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11- You think it's a lie.- Lie.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Lee, The Snake Charmer,
0:27:13 > 0:27:14were you telling the truth?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Mel's not sure now.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Well actually, ha, ha, ha,
0:27:18 > 0:27:19it was
0:27:19 > 0:27:21a lie.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22APPLAUSE
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Yes, it was a lie. Lee wasn't nicknamed The Charmer at school
0:27:27 > 0:27:31because he was the only one who could calm the school snake.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32BUZZER
0:27:32 > 0:27:35And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37I can reveal that David's team has triumphed
0:27:37 > 0:27:39by three points to one.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:45 > 0:27:47But of course, it's not just a team game
0:27:47 > 0:27:50and my individual liar of the week this week,
0:27:50 > 0:27:53is Mel Giedroyc.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Yes, yes,
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Mel Giedroyc, like Mary Berry,
0:28:02 > 0:28:04in the Great British Bake Off.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07I'm trying to smile but I've got a very bitter taste in my mouth.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08Good night.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd