0:00:14 > 0:00:18APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:29Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show where
0:00:29 > 0:00:31deception always gets a good reception.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33On Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37a comedian who once wrote a book of made up facts about pandas.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Well, that's the thing with panda facts - they're never black and white.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42It's David O'Doherty.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47A breakfast TV presenter who tells us
0:00:47 > 0:00:50what the day's weather is going to be like, saving us all
0:00:50 > 0:00:53the arduous task of looking out of the window.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55It's BBC weather's Carol Kirkwood.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01And on David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:01:01 > 0:01:06a Glasgow-born comic who'll mix delicately spun lies with
0:01:06 > 0:01:09good old-fashioned Scottish aggression.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10It's Susan Calman.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14It's a joke. It's a joke.
0:01:14 > 0:01:20And a man who's done almost 490 Pointless shows,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22and if you count tonight, 491.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24From Pointless, Richard Osman.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32So, to Round 1, home truths,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39To make things harder, they've never seen the card before
0:01:39 > 0:01:41so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Richard is first.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52I have a 40% stake in a prize winning racing pigeon.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Lee.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56If there's one thing I know about, it's buying pigeons.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59So be careful with your answer.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Tell me now Richard, how much did you pay for 40% of a pigeon.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- We paid £600.- Ah! You were robbed.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05And it is...
0:02:05 > 0:02:08And it's about £70 a month to keep him which is, which is fine.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- £70 a month?- Yep.- Wow.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11That is a lot of trill.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14We don't feed him...we don't feed him trill.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- What do you feed him? - Er, IPO, steroids.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Oh, well, fine.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20What do you do for £70 a month?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22What, are you taking him to Alton Towers?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25What...what are you...what are you doing with him?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Firstly he's got to be housed, he's got to be fed, he's got to be trained.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- Yes, in a wooden shack. - I won't leave him...- What's he got - a bungalow?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- ..In a wooden shack this is a prize winner.- When you say a prize winner, what has he won?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- He won Prix Calais.- Yep.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39And he's won some local things, but that's the proper deal.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- Is it 'prix', P-R-I-X.- Correct.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44How many pigeons were in the race?
0:02:44 > 0:02:48It's about 450 odd... It's less than 500 but more than 100 it's quite.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Oh, come on! 500! The sky would be black, then, with pigeons.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54"It's the Germans - they're back!
0:02:54 > 0:02:55"Agh!"
0:02:57 > 0:03:00They're released in Calais and they race all the way to...?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Well, they...they race home. - And where's home.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- Essentially. Well, his is up in Lancashire.- Right.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07What's the pigeon's, er, name?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10It's called Cobbold Jo, C-O-B-B-O-L-D.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- Cobbold....- Cobbold Jo.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- Cobbold Jo.- It's because the original, as you know about racing pigeons, right?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- Oh, I do know about racing pigeons. - You know Tolly Cobbold?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- Yeah.- Tolly Cobbold was the...was the grandfather.- Yeah.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26And so, you know, we chose that name that's nice.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Is that true, is there a pigeon called Tolly Cobbold?
0:03:28 > 0:03:29I don't know.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- You said you know about pigeons. - You're mixing me up with someone from a Hovis advert.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35LAUGHTER
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Are there any distinctive markings, just if there were some pigeons,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41say in Trafalgar Square, I'd be able to say,
0:03:41 > 0:03:46"Oh, that's Cobbold Jo, down in London for the sales."
0:03:47 > 0:03:50I'm going to be honest I would struggle to er,
0:03:50 > 0:03:54to choose her out of a pigeon parade but, you know.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Her? And she's called Jo?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- Yeah.- So is it 'Jo' with no 'e'. - Yeah.- Yes.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01That's fine, short for Joanna.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I think I might have this.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I don't think lady pigeons do the racing
0:04:06 > 0:04:10because they would be pregnant some of the time.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I tell you what, she'd better not be.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15It was only a cuddle, wasn't it, Richard?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Do you go and watch...when they go off do you watch it?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- I have seen the pigeon race once. - How much of the race did you see?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- I've seen the pigeon released. - Have you ever seen a pigeon land?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Yeah, I've seen a pigeon land. - You were there when the pigeon landed?- No, I...
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- You've never seen a pigeon land? - Right, I've seen a pigeon land, yeah.- Yes.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38But not under racing conditions.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- You've just seen a pigeon land in its spare time.- Yeah exactly.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42So you've only ever...
0:04:42 > 0:04:45So what you're saying is you've seen your pigeon take off,
0:04:45 > 0:04:50- but you haven't seen your pigeon land.- I have seen...- Does that mean your pigeon's lost?- Ugh...
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I don't think when a racing pigeon lands it's any different than
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- a normal pigeon.- No, exactly. - Oh, wrong.- They don't get...
0:04:55 > 0:04:58It skids right into the shed and go "Whoa, I was going fast."
0:04:58 > 0:05:01It raises its wings as it breasts the tape,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03that's what it does when it lands.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08So, it's time to decide, Lee. What are you going to say?
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- OK. Carol thinks it's?- I think it's true.- I think... Not true.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Let's say lie. I get confused if you say not true.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17It is a lie!
0:05:17 > 0:05:18You think it's a lie.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23- Ah, Richard the pigeons, the racing, Cobbled Jo, truth or lie? - It is, I'm afraid...
0:05:23 > 0:05:25a lie.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28APPLAUSE
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Yes, it's a lie.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Richard doesn't have a 40% stake in a prize winning racing pigeon.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Carol, you're next.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I was rumbled at a dinner party after serving up
0:05:43 > 0:05:48a shop-bought pie and pretending I'd made it myself.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- David.- What was in the pie?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Steak and kidney.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55And what shop did you buy it from?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I bought it from a local butcher.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Did you make a big deal of saying,
0:05:59 > 0:06:03"Oh, look at my home-made steak and kidney pie, isn't it lovely?"
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Unfortunately I did, yes.- Oh. - I waxed lyrical.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10And who were the people that you were trying to impress so much that you weren't home-making
0:06:10 > 0:06:13but you didn't know well enough to say "I bought this from a nice butchers."
0:06:13 > 0:06:17They were the parents of a good friend of mine who had been really kind to us
0:06:17 > 0:06:21- and I wanted to do something nice for them...- Repay them by lying?
0:06:22 > 0:06:23How did they find out?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27That's the question, that's the important issue, Carol.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Well, this was actually quite a bit awkward,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31because we were all sitting there having a lovely meal,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34beautiful smells, I was saying "I'm so glad I've made these
0:06:34 > 0:06:37"because I know steak and kidney is your absolute favourite."
0:06:37 > 0:06:42So, knife and fork in, how surprising this is chicken and ham.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Oh, dear.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Weren't you tempted to just go with it, pause and then go,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50"Well, how do you make it?"
0:06:52 > 0:06:57And, so, what happened when they realised your deceitful ways?
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Well, I had to really lie some more and had to think.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05I really thought you were going to say come clean.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07But, no, lie some more and say "I'm afraid, do you know
0:07:07 > 0:07:10"one of the first signs of Alzheimer's is thinking
0:07:10 > 0:07:13"you're having chicken when in fact it's steak and kidney.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"It's a terrible thing,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17"It means you've basically only got hours of consciousness left."
0:07:17 > 0:07:20So, what DID you say Carol?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Well, I said because they had thought that I'd cooked these I said
0:07:23 > 0:07:26"I made a big batch of pies at the weekend and I made some chicken
0:07:26 > 0:07:29"and ham and I made some steak and kidney and I froze them all.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- "I took out the wrong ones." - That's very devious.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- SUSAN:- Did you see how easily that tripped off her tongue?
0:07:33 > 0:07:37We have nothing to fear from climate change.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41You'll just tell us what we want to hear. It's all fine.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45If you feel like you're drowning, in fact it's a lovely sunny day.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50So David, what are you going to think here?
0:07:50 > 0:07:51I think it's genuinely,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53as it is hard to believe Carol would ever lie,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55but she's lying one way or another, so is she lying today
0:07:55 > 0:07:57or did she lie a long time ago,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I prefer to think that she lied a long time ago.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01In which case she's telling the truth now.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Although, actually her lie now would, to be fair, be mitigated
0:08:04 > 0:08:06by the fact that that is the point of this game.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I'll be devastated because I've watched Carol and loved Carol
0:08:12 > 0:08:16for some period of time and I'll be slightly devastated
0:08:16 > 0:08:19and I'll have to take the shrine down that I've got in the house.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23But I'll take that shrine down, she probably is telling the truth in that she lied.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Don't throw the shrine away, by the way,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28while we can have a little chat about it.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- So, David, you think it's the truth? - I think we think it's true.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35You think it's the truth. Right, Carol Kirkwood was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38It was...
0:08:38 > 0:08:40the truth.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Yes, it's true. Carol was rumbled at a dinner party after serving up
0:08:49 > 0:08:53a shop-bought meal and pretending she'd made it herself.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Susan, you're next.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01The day before I need to make a journey,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I often make the journey so that when it comes to making
0:09:04 > 0:09:07the actual journey, I'll know what the journey involves.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Wow, and that... Just how far, have you gone on these journeys?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Eh, probably driven an hour. - From Scotland?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18From where I live.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22If it's possible for me to do it like that. I mean, I'm not...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I'm not not...strange,
0:09:26 > 0:09:27It's got to be possible, it's not like
0:09:27 > 0:09:31if I'm going to New York I'll go the day before to New York then come back.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35This is journeys that I can make I would say in about an hour's drive radius.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- It's always driving, not on the train?- I would do it on the train.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42I've done it on the bus as well. I've taken the bus to make sure where the bus route goes and the bus stop is.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44You don't trust that the driver knows?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Well, no, it's me,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49I need to know where I'm going so I can, I can...
0:09:49 > 0:09:52You don't on a bus. He'll just do it. You just sit back and relax.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54No, but I think Susan's saying that there are certain things
0:09:54 > 0:09:57you have to do yourself, even when you travel by bus,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00like get on the bus and get off the bus.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02At the right point.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05And also get on the right bus, that's...there's more than one bus.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09- Sorry, you...- I don't want to sound totally working class.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Tell us, Susan, if you would, the last time that you did this.
0:10:14 > 0:10:20It was probably about two weeks ago. I had to go to a meeting
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- somewhere I'd not been before.- Where? A self-help group or a meeting?
0:10:24 > 0:10:28You were going for self-help about stop being so anxious about going for journeys
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- and you even recce-ed that.- Yes.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33There must have been quite a few of you hanging outside
0:10:33 > 0:10:35the meeting point the day before.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Yeah. So I drove from my house to the location,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41looked at what the parking restrictions were so I could have the right change with me.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43So I was completely relaxed the next day.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48If you know for a fact that you're going to do this, you're going to go the day before
0:10:48 > 0:10:51do you not the day before that think, "tomorrow I've got to do
0:10:51 > 0:10:54"that thing where I go the day before somewhere" and do it that day.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Susan, this now makes sense, cos didn't I see you yesterday
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- just sniffing around outside the studios?- Yep.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07Did an event happen in the past such that you once arrived somewhere
0:11:07 > 0:11:09and went, "Oh, I wish I had come here yesterday
0:11:09 > 0:11:12"and I could have foreseen this terrible situation."
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Like when JFK was shot.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Yes, I've always been haunted by that, if only I'd been there.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Yeah, if he'd gone the day before he'd have known when to duck.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- It's rude to be late for things. - Is that at the base of this,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- that's the root of it?- I'm paranoid about people thinking I'm rude
0:11:30 > 0:11:33or in any way, you know, deceitful like Carol, and just...
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- So...- What are you thinking, then? It does sound plausible.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- When you die, you'll have only lived a third of your life.- Yeah.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43The other two thirds was a recce.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Yeah.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47DAVID: I just don't think it fits.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I think she lives life by the horns or whatever that is.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Right.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57- Lie?- Truth.- Oh, I would say truth.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- You think it's the truth? - I don't know.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03I'm just... I'm practising, I'm going through what,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06what I'm going to say in a minute. That wasn't my answer.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- OK. So what are you going to say? - It's the truth.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12It's the truth. Susan, truth or lie?
0:12:12 > 0:12:13It is, eh,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15the truth.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Yeah, it's true, the day before Susan needs to make a journey,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26she'll often make that journey so that she knows
0:12:26 > 0:12:27what that journey involves.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Right, our next round is called This Is My... where we bring on
0:12:31 > 0:12:34a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Now, this week each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:12:37 > 0:12:40that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:12:40 > 0:12:42and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45So please welcome this week's special guest, Iain.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56So, Carol what is Iain to you?
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Well, this is Iain and to frighten a teacher,
0:13:00 > 0:13:04we once hid a ram inside a classroom cupboard.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Lee, how do you know Iain?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12This is Iain. He is the supermarket delivery driver
0:13:12 > 0:13:14who accidentally trapped me in the back of his van
0:13:14 > 0:13:16and drove me to his next drop off point.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21And, finally, David, what's your relationship with Iain?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24This is Iain. He is a sky-diver
0:13:24 > 0:13:29who got blown off-course and almost knocked me off my bike.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Right, there we have it. Carol's sheep prankster,
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Lee's accidental abductor
0:13:34 > 0:13:37or David's diverted skydiver.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40David Mitchell and team, where are you going to begin?
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Right, well, Carol, let's start with the...
0:13:44 > 0:13:45with the ram in the cupboard.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Oh, the old David Mitchell's chat up line.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Er, why did you put a ram in a cupboard?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Well, Iain and I went to school together in the highlands
0:14:01 > 0:14:04and often you would see the sheep and the rams just, you know,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08meandering into the school grounds and this particular day one came in.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- So the ram wanders into the school grounds?- Yes.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14And you think, "Oh that's fine, it'll be quite docile.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16"I daresay it'll agree to get into a cupboard."
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Well, what happened was the teacher was late, he was quite often late,
0:14:19 > 0:14:25- and we were in a wee Portakabin out the back of the school...- Are you saying the teacher was a drinker?
0:14:25 > 0:14:30No, but, anyway, he was late, so, we thought it'd be quite funny
0:14:30 > 0:14:33because he WAS late just to put this ram in his cupboard so that
0:14:33 > 0:14:37when he came in the ram would be mad and come rampaging out.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Does Iain look like the kind of man that would grab a ram
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- and drag it into a cupboard... - Yeah, he does.- ..for a laugh?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49He does. He looks like a kind of a devil and I think Carol,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52being attractive and beautiful, would have done that whole,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55"Oh, let's just put a ram in the cupboard, oh."
0:14:55 > 0:14:58And Iain'd be like, "Yeah let's put a ram in the cupboard."
0:15:00 > 0:15:02So when the teacher eventually arrived,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05how long was it before he went to his cupboard for a little look
0:15:05 > 0:15:08at his possessions, and what happened?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- It would've been about ten minutes. - Ten minutes.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- We were all sniggering in the class. - Sniggering.- He opened the door.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- Opened the door.- This angry ram came rampaging right out at him.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Is that where the word rampaging comes from?
0:15:19 > 0:15:23That's when you're trying to contact a ram in the 1980s.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Who would you like to quiz next?
0:15:31 > 0:15:36- David, could you it describe how Iain...was it- nearly- hit you?
0:15:36 > 0:15:41Yeah, skydiving. I mean, this goes back to '92 and my...
0:15:41 > 0:15:45My family have always been involved in the Scouts of Ireland
0:15:45 > 0:15:49and so the big jamboree was in Wicklow, just outside of Dublin,
0:15:49 > 0:15:54and I was on a tandem bicycle with my aunt, who is one of the heads
0:15:54 > 0:15:59of Scouting Ireland, and we were heading towards the jamboree
0:15:59 > 0:16:03and they were launching a comic book character to remind kids
0:16:03 > 0:16:08not to start fires in forests. And he was called Fire Dog.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11And his catch phrase was, "Don't start a fire. Woof!"
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- And... - LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:17For the launch, they decided, in the jamboree, they were going to
0:16:17 > 0:16:23parachute Fire Dog into the middle of the jamboree
0:16:23 > 0:16:27and we were on the tandem, heading towards it
0:16:27 > 0:16:29with our little Scouty ties on.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Can I just check - Fire Dog says, "Don't start a fire, woof!"
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Is it, "Don't start a fire, woof," or "Don't start a fire... WOOF!"?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Which one is it?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I want to know. I genuinely want to know this is the campaign.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47It's quite easy.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50This is quite easily solved immediately with a demonstration,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53because my understanding of skydivers is, they have a really
0:16:53 > 0:16:57good core muscle, so essentially if we do that bit from Dirty Dancing...
0:16:57 > 0:17:00You actually didn't get any taller when you stood up!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02That was the oddest thing I've ever seen!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05I've never seen anyone stand up and remain the same height!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- Yeah.- It's shocking!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11If I just run towards you like Dirty Da...
0:17:11 > 0:17:14and you just lift me up like at the end, then you'll be a skydiver.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18And if you don't do it, I'll be really hurt and you're...dead.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- So...- Likewise, in a minute I'm going to ask you to shut me
0:17:21 > 0:17:22in the back of a van.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26So, what are you planning to do?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I'm seeing whether or not he looks frightened by the prospect
0:17:31 > 0:17:34of me running towards him and he's got to lift me up!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37He does look a bit frightened, yeah.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Also, Rob also looks frightened.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44What if the end of my story is that, "And then he whacked against a wall,
0:17:44 > 0:17:47"his legs shot off and he had to have legs made of glass"?
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- Is that the end of your story?- No. - Back to Plan A, run at him!
0:17:54 > 0:17:58How far away from the jamboree were you at the point of impact,
0:17:58 > 0:17:59or, sorry, near impact?
0:17:59 > 0:18:03He had just missed the landing area by a few fathoms.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Sorry, it was an aqua jamboree?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11We swerved. We avoided him.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13He went into a hedge
0:18:13 > 0:18:18and we pulled him out. I was, what, 14 or 15 at the time
0:18:18 > 0:18:22and my aunt and Iain got talking,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25and that is why it's nice
0:18:25 > 0:18:27to have my Uncle Iain on the show.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31APPLAUSE
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Oh, that is a...
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- Oh, now that's... - That was a hell of a landing!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- RICHARD:- That's a bombshell. - Yeah.
0:18:38 > 0:18:44Your aunt met her husband when he nearly hit her dressed as a dog?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Right, what about Lee?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53So, Lee, how did you accidentally get shut in his van, what happened?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55As you will know, when the man who comes from the supermarket
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- delivers your food, he delivers them in like a plastic box.- Mm-hm.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01So he leaves the box and he goes into the kitchen
0:19:01 > 0:19:04and he drops off the food, and what I decide to do is that
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I'll help. He brings the last box, I said, "Is that it?"
0:19:07 > 0:19:10He said, "Yes, this is your last lot," puts the thing, gets the bags,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12goes into the kitchen, Mr Nice here
0:19:12 > 0:19:16picks the nice plastic things up and takes them to his van.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Oh, God!- And so I go into the....
0:19:18 > 0:19:21I know. This is like the start...
0:19:21 > 0:19:25This is like the start of an episode of Casualty, isn't it?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29So I go in, and as I put them in, I looked to my left
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- and something catches my attention. - A lamppost!
0:19:31 > 0:19:32- No.- And it's snowing.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- No, no.- And there's a fawn.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37No, no. A little thing catches my eyes, believe it or not.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Someone had locked a ram in the back of the van.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Believe it or not, the thing that caught my eye...
0:19:42 > 0:19:43I don't believe it, by the way.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46..was a slightly ripped box of Coco Pops
0:19:46 > 0:19:49and I thought, just for a minute, I thought, "Has Iain just had,
0:19:49 > 0:19:53"a little bit of a, like I would do, I'll have a little snack en route"?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56So I just walk over to it. Now as I walk over to it,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59it's only a couple of steps, I'm now hidden behind a box of food.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Oh, you are kidding me.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03You know, the boxes that haven't yet been delivered.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07And at that moment I hear the noise of tsk, the door shutting,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09and the little handle turning.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11So why didn't you call out?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- I did!- What, and he didn't hear you?- No.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Over the noise of a van engine? It's not very loud.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Not just a van, the noise of Howard Jones on Magic FM.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It was blasting. You try... Yeah, I'm going, "Help, help!"
0:20:24 > 0:20:29and he's going, "What is loo-ooo-oove anyway?"
0:20:29 > 0:20:34"Arrgggh!!" "Anybody, anybody..."
0:20:34 > 0:20:38"Arrrggghhh!" "What is looo-ooo-ooove?"
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I mean, it might not be true but God, it was dramatic.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44APPLAUSE
0:20:46 > 0:20:48So...
0:20:48 > 0:20:53So, er, we do need an answer. Is Iain Carol's sheep prankster,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Lee's accidental abductor
0:20:56 > 0:20:58or David's diverted skydiver?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01The key thing is, I don't want to be fooled by David O'Doherty,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04that's the key. Look at him. Look at that face.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Do you remember, you know in the Brownies you had the Brownie Promise
0:21:08 > 0:21:11so do you remember anything from your Scouting days,
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- your promise or anything? - It's different in Ireland.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17The Scouts don't have anything that you would possibly remember.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22No promises, no value system
0:21:22 > 0:21:26other than, "If you see a dog go into a hedge, you marry it"?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- I would say Carol. - I think... I think it's David.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- You say Carol?- Yeah. - I think I think it's David.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37You say Carol, you say David.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I think it's David.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41So you're going, therefore, with David.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- We're going with David.- OK.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48Iain, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50My name is Iain.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Carol and I frightened a teacher
0:21:53 > 0:21:57by hiding a ram in a classroom cupboard.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59APPLAUSE
0:22:01 > 0:22:06Yes. Iain is Carol's sheep prankster.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Thank you very much, Iain.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth
0:22:19 > 0:22:23but against the clock. We will start with...
0:22:23 > 0:22:24It is David.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30I once sent out 30 professional photographs of myself
0:22:30 > 0:22:32to try and get a agent.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36I got just one reply, advising me to destroy all copies
0:22:36 > 0:22:37of the photograph.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40What...
0:22:40 > 0:22:45David, what pose exactly where you doing in the glossy print?
0:22:45 > 0:22:46I mean, I...
0:22:46 > 0:22:50I thought a normal, dignified, at the same time hilarious
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- and talented one.- Show me.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- Yeah, can you do it? - No, I think what it was...
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Do it.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I think maybe, in the picture,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03my mouth looked a bit wrong,
0:23:03 > 0:23:07you know, maybe it was a bit sort of...
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- So that's why he thought... - Or maybe.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- But you didn't bother to change. - No, it wasn't like...
0:23:14 > 0:23:16And when was this? What period are we talking about?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19It was, er, in the 18th century.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24No, in the mid/late 1990s.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- What kind of places were you sending them to?- Um...
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Or did you just leave them in phone boxes around London?
0:23:30 > 0:23:34How were you dressed in the photograph,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37was it a casual or was it a smarter look that you went for?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- I'm guessing smarter.- Maybe he was wearing a leisure suit,
0:23:39 > 0:23:42It was the late '90s, you know.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43- What's a leisure suit?- Erm...
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Is that a sort of zip-up thing that you can relieve yourself in?
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Yes.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52It's what they'll be wearing in the future,
0:23:52 > 0:23:56it's just so convenient. Just get in and whatever happens, it's fine.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Did this dent your confidence, David?
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Yes.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06You didn't think, "I'll just get some more done,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09"but this time without the stovepipe hat and the cravat"?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I don't think I immediately got some more done.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I mean, I have subsequently had other photos taken.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- You got your confidence back? - Yeah.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21So, what do you think, do you think that could be the truth?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- I think it's true.- You do?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- Yeah.- I think it's true. - We'll say it's true.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27David, truth or lie?
0:24:27 > 0:24:28It is true.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Oh, true.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32- Sad.- It's sad.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36It's true, David did once send out 30 professional photographs
0:24:36 > 0:24:40but was advised by an agent to destroy all copies. Next.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43It's David O'Doherty.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Possession.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Ah, there's a box under the desk. Just pop the box
0:24:49 > 0:24:52on the desk and then there's a card inside it.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Before you take out the possession, just read the card, please.
0:24:56 > 0:25:01This is one of the pairs of leg warmers for birds that I've made.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I would've brought more, but birds are using them.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Will you show us these leg warmers?
0:25:11 > 0:25:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I live beside the canal
0:25:20 > 0:25:23and the swans are very unhappy around there.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28The swans? You've tried to put a leg warmer on a swan?!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31He hasn't tried to, he's succeeded.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34How the hell do you...? A swan?!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39So you're trying to feed it over the webbing
0:25:39 > 0:25:43and he doesn't get cross? He's got a great big beak on a...
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Everyone knows about this, but if you befriend the swan,
0:25:46 > 0:25:50the first thing... You know you befriend a swan when the wings go up
0:25:50 > 0:25:54like that and then generally they go like that, as in,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57"Make me leg warmers." That's it.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Are they for swans?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02David, they would break your arm if you went near them.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- Famously.- Famous. - That's what they do.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07What is it made out of?
0:26:07 > 0:26:11They break your arm and then the Queen eats them.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13How do you get them over the feet?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16If you put your hand like that and then try...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Try and get it over there.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21It's like OJ Simpson, slip it on there, that's a swan.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- That's a swan foot. - That's a swan.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26With the swan it's all about authority. So watch this.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- LEE:- Now that... That...
0:26:31 > 0:26:33They're webbed, they're webbed.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36That's no good. That's going to hurt the swan,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38you've just ripped through it's webbing.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- You know when you said swan at the beginning...- Yeah.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43..did you mean sparrow?
0:26:45 > 0:26:49David, it's time to take a guess. I mean, I don't know which way
0:26:49 > 0:26:50you're going to go on this(!)
0:26:50 > 0:26:55Maybe a swan could be able to slip that over its foot
0:26:55 > 0:26:59and maybe a swan would derive tremendous warmth from this
0:26:59 > 0:27:03incredibly thin and flimsy and short piece of material going
0:27:03 > 0:27:08an inconsiderable distance up its really rather long leg.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- I think it's true! - Don't say that!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Don't, cos that's the sort of...
0:27:13 > 0:27:16That's what happens to your mind in this game, you say, and you
0:27:16 > 0:27:20start thinking, "Oh, yeah, of course, the fact that he said swan
0:27:20 > 0:27:24"and it seems impossible is exactly what's so plausible about it"!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29If you people don't start taking this a bit more seriously,
0:27:29 > 0:27:31I'm going to bring my Uncle Iain out here again!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34So what are you going to go for?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- I think we're going to say lie. - Lie. You're saying it's a lie.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39- I'd just like to say, Rob...- Yes?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- If it's true...- Yes.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42I don't care.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46David, truth or lie?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49I'm afraid my tale of swan leg warmers...
0:27:50 > 0:27:52..is a lie. Thank God.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Who'd have thought it? Who would have thought it?
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Yes, it's a lie, David doesn't make leg warmers for birds.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01KLAXON
0:28:01 > 0:28:04And that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08I can reveal that David's team have two points and Lee's team has four.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Hey. Well done, team. Well done, Carol.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15But, of course, it's not just a team game.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19My individual liar of the week this week
0:28:19 > 0:28:20is David O'Doherty.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:23 > 0:28:29Yes, David O'Doherty. He's made the show like a massive bed
0:28:29 > 0:28:31and lied in it. Good night.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd