0:00:24 > 0:00:25Good evening,
0:00:25 > 0:00:29and welcome to Would I Lie To You, the show where lies win the prize.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31On David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:31 > 0:00:34a comedienne recently voted one of the 100 most powerful
0:00:34 > 0:00:39women in Britain. Yes, not only is she hilarious, she can also toss
0:00:39 > 0:00:43a caber and drag a tractor using just her teeth. It's Sarah Millican.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:53And a comedian who is famous for his compulsive obsessive disorder, and
0:00:53 > 0:00:56yes, I said that the wrong way round on purpose just to unnerve him.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57It's Jon Richardson.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:05And on Lee Mack's team tonight, he's the comedy legend that gave us
0:01:05 > 0:01:08the anarchic Shooting Stars. We're no strangers to anarchy here -
0:01:08 > 0:01:11David Mitchell's not even wearing a tie tonight.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12It's Bob Mortimer.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13APPLAUSE
0:01:15 > 0:01:19And he's the Homeland star who left Birmingham to go to Hollywood,
0:01:19 > 0:01:22but says one day he wants to return.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25He IS a good actor! It's David Harewood.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26APPLAUSE
0:01:28 > 0:01:30And so we begin with round one, Home Truths,
0:01:30 > 0:01:33where our panellists read out a statement from the card
0:01:33 > 0:01:36in front of them, and to make things harder, they've never seen
0:01:36 > 0:01:39the card before so they've no idea what they'll be faced with,
0:01:39 > 0:01:43and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45OK, Bob, you're first up tonight.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Thank you.
0:01:46 > 0:01:52I once set fire to my house with a box of fireworks.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54David Mitchell's team.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Ah, was this on purpose?
0:01:56 > 0:01:57LAUGHTER
0:01:59 > 0:02:01It was... It was done out of ignorance.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER
0:02:04 > 0:02:05What age were you?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I was somewhere round about seven.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I want to know where you grew up where a seven-year-old can buy
0:02:10 > 0:02:15- a box of fireworks.- I bought them in the shop where, near where I lived in Middlesbrough,
0:02:15 > 0:02:19it was a box for 2/6 of Standard Fireworks, that was the brand.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24Standard brand! That sounds exciting, Standard Fireworks.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- Yeah.- A normal level of excitement will be engendered.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31For a Bonfire Night you WILL forget!
0:02:32 > 0:02:37But, but it says Standard but then it's, pch! Pch! Pch!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40That IS standard for a firework!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42So you're in your home?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- Yeah.- And you are seven or eight years old.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- I'm seven and I'm on my own, yeah. - On your own.- What happens?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50On one of the fireworks, I think it was the sparklers,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53it said "not suitable for indoor use,"
0:02:53 > 0:02:57which, at that age, makes you think, "Ah, that means they're OK."
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Could you just not read the word "not" when you were a bairn?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Did you think "not" was the brand?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08You go, "Oh, lovely I like that "not" brand food.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10"It's "not" - for human consumption."
0:03:10 > 0:03:11LAUGHTER
0:03:12 > 0:03:16You know that logic that says, well, people have obviously tried them indoors.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18And discovered they're not suitable.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- Yeah.- So, therefore, I won't use them indoors because I want to live.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25But if you look on a big firework, it won't say not suitable
0:03:25 > 0:03:29- for indoor... It's obvious.- Yeah. - Right.- Well, not to everybody.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31But on the sparklers they chose to put it on.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33So what happened?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37I lit the sparkler, the sparks went into the box of fireworks -
0:03:37 > 0:03:42the Standard box - and set THEM off and I carried the box of fireworks,
0:03:42 > 0:03:46now beginning to light into the kitchen and I threw them into the kitchen.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50I thought it would be more suitable.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I think you're right, the kitchen of all the rooms is the most
0:03:53 > 0:03:55suitable for fireworks, isn't it?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- It is.- Because of the oven, the gas,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00the stove - there is fire naturally in the kitchen.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05Yeah. There's a lot of...and there's more... It's more wipe-down. Less cloth.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07So what happened then?
0:04:07 > 0:04:08They went off in the, um...
0:04:08 > 0:04:11What was the sound like? Was it bing! Wheee! Pssh-pssh-pssh?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14No, these were only Standard. Phoo! Phoo!
0:04:14 > 0:04:15LAUGHTER
0:04:16 > 0:04:21And er... No, I can't remember...I remember, as I'm sat here now,
0:04:21 > 0:04:26wiping the scorch marks off the floor and thinking that my mum's going to kill me...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- Yeah.- ..and so I'm going to be in big trouble,
0:04:28 > 0:04:32then I went back into the living room. Unbeknownst to me...
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- Yeah.- ..I'd dropped one.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37And it just... The living room was completely engulfed in flames.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40It sounds to me that if you're on your own at home at seven,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43your mum's pretty laid-back anyway.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45She said, "Son, will you sit here
0:04:45 > 0:04:50"and look after these fireworks whilst I go out to the bingo."
0:04:52 > 0:04:56So you lit the sparkler, a spark went into the Standard box.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- Yes.- The box started to go...
0:04:58 > 0:05:02You go, "Uh-oh, I must get them into the most suitable room for fireworks."
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Yeah.- That's the kitchen, no need to go beyond the kitchen to the outdoors.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Yeah. Mum said, "Don't go out."
0:05:08 > 0:05:09LAUGHTER
0:05:11 > 0:05:12APPLAUSE
0:05:15 > 0:05:19No, it's good to know that there was at least one rule in your house.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21What time of day did all this happen?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23This happened mid-afternoon.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- Oh, dear. So you didn't really get the benefit of the fireworks?- No.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Who put the fire out?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I went to next door where Miss Best lived.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Bless her, she was about 80 and I knocked on her door
0:05:33 > 0:05:37and said, "My house is on fire," and she said, "Do you know, I thought it was."
0:05:40 > 0:05:42So what happened then?
0:05:42 > 0:05:43She called the fire brigade.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47They fired their water hoses throughout the house.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- Ruining it.- Even the rooms where there was no fire.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51- Not ruining it?- Yeah.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54You do know that before they put out the fire, it was already ruined, don't you?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58You're making this house all wet, it was lovely and warm before.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Lee, it's the water damage that knackers the house.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- Is it? Not the fire?- Not the fire.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07If they would use their boots to put it out...
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I must say, the entire house was...that's it.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14I was in a family of four children and we had...
0:06:14 > 0:06:15we were homeless.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- Keep it light.- I'm just saying. - Where were all the other kids while you were alone with the fire?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Why did she take three children out and leave you?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26They were looking after fireworks in other people's houses.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30So, you say you were homeless - how much of the house did the inferno claim?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- It had gone, the entire house. - The whole house?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- The whole house burnt down? - The whole house burnt down.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38So how much did you leave in the living room?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41The fireworks in the kitchen have only caused a few scorches!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- Yeah.- What did you leave in the living room?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47And now, and now don't you feel stupid for saying Standard fireworks?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- Yeah.- I'll tell you...
0:06:49 > 0:06:54Not really. I think you were stupid for lighting a sparkler indoors.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56If you don't know what you dropped
0:06:56 > 0:06:59in the living room is there a chance that it's just a coincidence?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- No, it could be.- That it might not have been your fault?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- That's what I said to the press. - It's not your fault.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Press? What, what press, who, who, who did you speak to?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Local press.- They... Cos they came to the house while it was burning?
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Yeah. You know, with their hats on, trilbies, sniffing around.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17LAUGHTER
0:07:19 > 0:07:22With those little bits of paper in the hat.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- Typewriters and everything? - Yeah.- Were they called things like Scoop McLean?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30I believe he was called Ron Waffle.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Sorry, Ron Waffle?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35It was either him or the other ace reporter on the Gazette was
0:07:35 > 0:07:38John Caramel. It was one of them two.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Caramel and Waffle!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Honestly.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47The question is whether you think Bob has been telling the truth.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Well, I was... I thought it seemed very plausible
0:07:50 > 0:07:54until we heard about Caramel and Waffle.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I think he thinks he's telling the truth, but I think what's
0:07:57 > 0:08:01happened, at some point, he's seen a film in which this has happened.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- He saw Backdraft.- And is now convinced that it happened to him.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I think it's a lie.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Sarah?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I, ah, I sort of... I was going to say I want it to be true,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13but that sounds really horrible.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I think... I don't... I think it might be true.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Well, I think it's true. I think it's true.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- So you're going to go for true? - Yeah.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23OK. Bob, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I was telling the truth.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28APPLAUSE
0:08:31 > 0:08:36Yes, it's true, Bob once set fire to his house with a box of fireworks.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Jon, you're next.
0:08:39 > 0:08:46When I'm stressed, I often take a water-free bath.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Water-free baths, Lee and his team.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Do you er, do you get undressed?- No.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Do you, do you just sit in the bath?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Well, I lie in the bath.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Well, of course, cos you want to get the imaginary water all over your body, don't you?
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Do you imagine there's water in the bath or does your mind accept it's not there?
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- No, you know it's not there. I'm not... I'm not an idiot. - I know it's not there.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Do you have a hovering duck?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15How long do you spend in this position?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Uh, well, it depends on how stressed I am.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20If I'm very stressed I'll be in there a long time,
0:09:20 > 0:09:24if I'm only a little bit stressed I'll pop in and I'll pop out again.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25But what's the benefit, what,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I don't see what is stress-relieving about it.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Oh, a bath is stress-relieving, isn't it, but then it's quite a faff
0:09:32 > 0:09:35innit, running the water, taking your clothes off, then you're
0:09:35 > 0:09:39wet, you can't go out when you're wet, so you've got to dry yourself
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- then you've got to put your clothes back on.- Well, why...- If you just get in without all that faff,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46you get all the joy of a bath and none of the fuss.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50You're from the north - I'll bet you've got just an imaginary flannel.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52You said that like you're not from the north.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56I, I, I've completely converted now.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Have you told your accent?
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Are you always alone?
0:10:00 > 0:10:01LAUGHTER
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- Oh, wow!- Sarah do you mean in life or in the bath?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Whichever one he wants to answer.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15I... You always should be in the bath alone, I think we'll all agree.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Jon, do you do any, like, bath-related things when you're in
0:10:18 > 0:10:20the non-bath, or do you just shut your eyes and lie there?
0:10:20 > 0:10:27Uh, sometimes I'll put my dressing gown on over me or a big towel to...
0:10:27 > 0:10:28- Over your clothes? - Over your clothes?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- Over me, I'll get into the bath. - Oh, in the bath.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Oh, right, so now it's suddenly got a bit more disturbing.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39It's stress relief, isn't it? I don't just sit there, like, in the bath, like, you know...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- I don't smoke.- You could have an imaginary cigarette
0:10:41 > 0:10:45if you're having an imaginary bath - it's fine!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47So what are you thinking, Lee?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Does this, does this smack of the truth?
0:10:49 > 0:10:54- Um, what do we think, David?- I think it's total nonsense.- Do you?- Yeah.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Putting the thing over your head, I think it would add to the stress as opposed to relieving it.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- I'm going for a lie. - You're going for a lie.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Go for a lie in his bath fully clothed.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Actually, come to think...
0:11:05 > 0:11:10A fart's not going to be half the fun in this non-bath, is it?
0:11:10 > 0:11:11- So are we going to say lie?- Lie.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14My team say lie so I have to go with them and say lie.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17You're all saying it's a lie, OK. Jon Richardson, were you just telling us
0:11:17 > 0:11:20the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:11:20 > 0:11:21It was,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23sadly, true.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Oh, no.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Oh, no, no, no.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32I want it... Let's end the show there, let's end the show there, we'll have
0:11:32 > 0:11:35a quick chat with Jon, we'll bring on Jeremy Kyle and just end it now.
0:11:35 > 0:11:41Yes, it's true, when Jon is stressed he has a water-free bath.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Our next round is called This Is My... where we
0:11:44 > 0:11:47bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to
0:11:47 > 0:11:50one of our panellists. Now this week, each of Lee's team will
0:11:50 > 0:11:53claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:11:53 > 0:11:57and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00So, please welcome this week's special guest, Keith.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02APPLAUSE
0:12:07 > 0:12:11So, er, Bob, first of all. Bob, what is Keith to you?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Er, this is Keith, he's my oldest friend
0:12:14 > 0:12:17and when we were at school together we hid
0:12:17 > 0:12:21a Dictaphone in the classroom ceiling to confuse our teacher.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23David Harewood.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Er, this my is old teacher, Keith. I once had to claim I wasn't me
0:12:27 > 0:12:32when I met him in a cafe, as I was in character preparing for Homeland.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36And finally, Lee - your relationship with Keith?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39This is Keith, and his hawk... Yes.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41LAUGHTER
0:12:41 > 0:12:47Yeah. I'll admit, David, it's a difficult start, but go with it.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49This is Keith
0:12:49 > 0:12:54and his hawk was supposed to land on my arm at a village fete,
0:12:54 > 0:12:58but instead, stole the wig from the man next to me
0:12:58 > 0:13:02and flew off into a tree.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04So there we are. It's Bob's classroom prankster,
0:13:04 > 0:13:09it's David's blanked buddy or it's Lee's hawk handler.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11David's team, where do you start?
0:13:11 > 0:13:16So, yes, David, what, he was a teacher at your school?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- Very briefly.- What, a whole lesson?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I mean, I don't know if... I mean, I could... I would see him.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- But he didn't teach you. - No, not teach me.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27He was someone who hung around a school
0:13:27 > 0:13:32and, charitably, you assumed he was a teacher.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34But if he was at the school a short period of time how did you
0:13:34 > 0:13:38even recognise him in the cafe?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Oh, I knew it was him.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42He walked into the cafe and he said, "Hi, David,"
0:13:42 > 0:13:45and, basically, I blanked him.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47It was literally the month before I went to America
0:13:47 > 0:13:53when I was doing Homeland and I'd just been to see my dialect coach.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57He basically said I have to stay in my American voice, so...
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Could you not have explained that to him in your American voice?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03"I'm sorry, buddy, but I'm doing a role here."
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I, I don't think it was ever as good as that, Jon, to be fair.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13I basically just had to say, "I don't know what you're talking about."
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Oh, that's... I'm, I'm remembering you now.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- Do the voice a bit more.- I said, "I don't know what you're talking about."
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Oh. That did weird things to me.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:27So your dialect coach said, "You're in this role, you need to stay in this character.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31"Now the lesson's over, let's go to a very public place where you're likely to encounter several people."
0:14:31 > 0:14:35You have to stay in that voice. You have to have the confidence to stay in your voice.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Why can't you just, like, turn it on like an actor?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Oh, that's a, that's a cheap shot, Sarah.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I did... I had to say... I did phone him up afterwards and apologise.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50So you had his number.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55You stayed in touch with a teacher you barely remember?
0:14:55 > 0:15:00Would it be fair to say the hawk's looking a bit more plausible?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02So, David, who would you like to question next?
0:15:02 > 0:15:08Um. Bob, er, remind us of your allegation!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11When we were at school together we hid a Dictaphone machine
0:15:11 > 0:15:16in the ceiling tiles to, um, interrupt the lesson.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18So, not to record but to play stuff.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20- Yeah.- What sort of stuff?
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Well, it was, um, important to keep a gap at the beginning
0:15:24 > 0:15:28so we let it run for about 15 minutes and then there was the
0:15:28 > 0:15:29noise of a fly...
0:15:33 > 0:15:36..for a brief period then another bit...period.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- To confuse the teacher. - Where would you get the noise from the fly? You'd make the noise?
0:15:39 > 0:15:45We'd make the noise ourselves. I'm not paying for no fly to do it.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Bob, let's hear your fly.- Bzzzzzz. You know...what?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- It does sound like a fly. - Can I hear your bee?
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Er, we didn't do a bee.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Do you know how to do a bee? - How?- Just like that fly.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Oh, no, it's more...it's more wholesome if it's a bee, isn't it?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- Show me the difference, David. - Well, I don't know. I'm, I'm not...
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- Do it.- But I would say, OK a bee would be a sort of a fuller bzzzzzzzzzz.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09No, that's a bumble bee.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Whereas a fly is a (HIGHER PITCH) zzzzzzzz.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- That is good. - That's good, very good.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Do you see the way he just slipped straight in and out of character?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- So you'd hide it. - So, yes, there was silence.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23- Yeah.- Then a little bit of fly, silence, little bit of fly
0:16:23 > 0:16:29and then quite loudly, but not to frighten anyone, the word "wolf!"
0:16:34 > 0:16:36What? Then more silence.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- Yeah.- A bit more silence. Then...
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- Yeah.- ..Speedway stadium.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Speedway stadium?
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Do you know, the idea was just to say kind of random things.
0:16:52 > 0:16:59We had, he was a really nice teacher called, um, Bill Whittlingham.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02How did Bill Whittlingham react to these random sounds?
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Well, Mr Whittlingham left the room and said,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09"Can you sort this out by the time I've gone back?"
0:17:09 > 0:17:11"Whatever it is that's going on."
0:17:11 > 0:17:14And there was a cupboard in the corner where, interestingly,
0:17:14 > 0:17:20it had exercise books in it, pens and that, but it also had, in a little cage, a hand lion,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23which is a robotic... It's a battery operated thing.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24- A what?- Are you just,
0:17:24 > 0:17:28are you just saying any words that come into your head in any order?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31It's a hand lion and if you...
0:17:31 > 0:17:36- A hand lion?- It's a robotic elect...animatronic hand lion.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40And if you'd been particularly good he would put it on your hand
0:17:40 > 0:17:44and set it to "lick" and it would lick you.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- If you'd been particularly... - Was this like a clockwork lion?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49No, it was remote control, I promise you. It was remote control?
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Remote control. He had the controller in his desk and he said,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55"You've been such a good boy,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57"get out the hand lion and you'll get a lick."
0:17:57 > 0:18:00And if you'd been bad he'd put him on your hand and he'd strike,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02he'd strike at your hand.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06So, the hand lion had two settings - it could lick or it could strike.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Yes, good boy, bad boy.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Right, very sensible.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- Now the only problem with it of course...- What, this story?
0:18:14 > 0:18:19The only problem was cos if the batteries got low, it would get constipated.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27No, anyway but in this cupboard, so we got up on the cupboard, um...
0:18:27 > 0:18:31You climb onto the cupboard that the hand lion is housed in?
0:18:31 > 0:18:35- Probably asleep.- Right. You reach up under the ceiling tile.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- Take out the Dictaphone. - Switch it off.- Yeah.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Mr Whittlingham comes back in. - Yes, yes.- What happens?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43He's nervously awaiting another, you know, edict from above.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48It doesn't come, we carry on with the lesson, um, British Government and Politics, it was.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50There was a lesson called British Government and Politics?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- Yeah.- A whole year on that?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Two years. It was A-Level.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55So the 6th formers...
0:18:55 > 0:18:57A hand lion...
0:19:00 > 0:19:05A hand lion that can either lick or strike was what was used to
0:19:05 > 0:19:07express praise or,
0:19:07 > 0:19:13or the opposite to these 17 or 18-year-old students.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16And it was very effective.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19All right, would you like to move on to the final claim.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22So Lee, tell the story about Keith.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25I was at a village fete, and er...
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Why were you at a village fete?
0:19:27 > 0:19:28I was helping out.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- What village?- Thames Ditton. - Why were you helping out at Thames Ditton fete?
0:19:32 > 0:19:37I don't live too far away from there and they asked me to help out and I did a few little things. I did...
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I did a bit of tombola, a bit of announcing then I went over to
0:19:39 > 0:19:43judge the pig racing, the usual things you do at a fete, you know.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- The pig racing?- Yeah. I don't know why I judged it, cos surely, first past the post, but...
0:19:49 > 0:19:52It was... I was there in case of a dead heat.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56And what happened with the... with the hawk and Keith and the wig?
0:19:56 > 0:20:00One of the things, um, I had to do was to volunteer to stand there
0:20:00 > 0:20:04and learn - he had the little, er, headpiece on, where he'd
0:20:04 > 0:20:07teach the crowd basic falconry, I believe we call it.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I stick the, er, stick the glove on and, er,
0:20:09 > 0:20:13then hold this little thing. I don't know what it was but I'm doing this.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- A small morsel of meat.- Thank God you've been to one, cos I haven't. I'm holding a small morsel of meat.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Then what happens? And then, er...
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Then the swan comes down.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23The swan came down.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26So the hawk comes over, right, it comes up there, there's a person
0:20:26 > 0:20:29missing from this story, and it's the mayor, right, the local mayor.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I can't say it in... I always struggle.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33The mayor.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35The mayor! The mayor, right? So.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37The mayor is standing next to a horse.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Yeah. So, the local...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41So, the mayor is doing his bit,
0:20:41 > 0:20:45but the mayor has got a wig on, right, the hawk flies over to go
0:20:45 > 0:20:48and land on my hand, but he lands on the mayor's head
0:20:48 > 0:20:52so it gets caught up in his, in his... What shall we call them?
0:20:52 > 0:20:53- Talons.- Talons!- Talons.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Gets caught up in the talons
0:20:54 > 0:20:57and then in the sort of panic the bird sort of...and he can't
0:20:57 > 0:21:00release this wig and he flies off and he goes into the tree.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05I said, "Why didn't he go for the meat?" He said, "I genuinely think the gold chain caught his eye,"
0:21:05 > 0:21:09there was a bit of confusion for a second, and he just did a bit of an emergency landing on a
0:21:09 > 0:21:15mayor's wig at Thames Ditton fete! What's there not to believe?
0:21:15 > 0:21:19At that point, did you cry, "Oh, no - the mayor's hair's over there"?
0:21:23 > 0:21:29All right, so David's team - is Keith Bob's classroom prankster,
0:21:29 > 0:21:33David's blanked buddy or Lee's hawk handler.
0:21:33 > 0:21:39I was believing Bob until the fact that he was 18 and the hand lion.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I'm leaning towards David.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43I think I'm leaning toward David.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47I think, I think it's Bob. And I think he panicked cos he knew we were onto him, so he went
0:21:47 > 0:21:50on a ridiculous riff about a hand lion to throw us off the scent.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I'll go Bob, but I've been wrong before.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54- Sarah?- I'm going to go David.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- We'll go David. - You're saying David.- M'hm.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Keith, please reveal your true identity.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04My name is Keith and, er, Bob and I recorded voices
0:22:04 > 0:22:06and hid the Dictaphone in the ceiling.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17Yes, um... Keith is Bob's classroom prankster.
0:22:17 > 0:22:24I would never have believed all that stuff about a hand lion was completely true.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Thanks very much, Keith.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Thank you.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies, we start with...
0:22:34 > 0:22:35BUZZER SOUNDS
0:22:35 > 0:22:37It's Sarah Millican.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41- Possession. - Ah, there's a box under your desk. Would you pop it on the desk
0:22:41 > 0:22:45and then first of all read out the card that's inside, before you
0:22:45 > 0:22:48show us what the possession is.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53This is my cat-cam.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57I put it around my cat's neck for a week to film what it got up to
0:22:57 > 0:23:02because I believed it was him who kept turning the kitchen tap on.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05OK, let's take this item out and pop it on the desk.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Right, Lee's team, cat-cam.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10So you're saying that the... You thought the cat might be
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- turning the tap on.- Yes. - we know it wasn't Jon.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17So you put the cat-cam on the cat
0:23:17 > 0:23:19for how long?
0:23:19 > 0:23:23For, well generally, like an hour at a time, but while I was out.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26So the cat's clever enough not to be turning this tap on when you're in.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Well, yeah, because I would just see him doing it
0:23:29 > 0:23:30and then I would know it was him.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33If he could do the tap, were you not worried that he could turn
0:23:33 > 0:23:34the camera off?
0:23:34 > 0:23:35LAUGHTER
0:23:36 > 0:23:41No, cos the tap's like one of those ones where that's quite fiddly.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43How do you see the picture? You connect it to a computer?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Yeah, it's just got a USB thing, yeah.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- I see, OK.- You attach it to the computer, and how long,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- you watch it an hour at a time? - Well, you fast forward it, I'm not sitting watching.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- Oh, just the highlights, you're doing the highlights.- Yeah.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- Go on, the big question is... - Was it the cat?- Not so far, but I'm still... It's still sort of...
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- Somebody's turning the taps on when you go out of the house.- It's kind of a work in progress, so...
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- When you come...when you come back...- I hope he's not watching, cos...
0:24:07 > 0:24:11- Don't worry, he can turn this off. - He's turned this off.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- Can I ask you a question, very, just..?- Yes.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Why didn't you attach the camera to the taps?
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Oh!
0:24:17 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Thank you.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25What's the name of your cat, Sarah?
0:24:25 > 0:24:26He's called Chief Brody.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29And the personality, is he a scratcher?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- He is a scratcher. - On bits of furniture?
0:24:32 > 0:24:33On, arms.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Yeah. Well, that's not so much of a worry - it's the furniture
0:24:35 > 0:24:37is more the thing, isn't it?
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- Is it?- Thanks.- Can I ask why you're so worried about the cat turning the taps on
0:24:41 > 0:24:44when you've got something in your house that's attacking you?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I wouldn't mind if he turned the tap on if it's scratching my face.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52- Well, that's because you're not a cat lover.- No, but I don't like things that scratch.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Well, don't get a cat, then.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57- Am I the weirdo here?- Yeah.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- Can we have a show of hands?- Yes.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07That's so lovely to hear, cos usually it's me.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09What colour is your cat, Sarah?
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Ginger.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Um, pink collar, ginger cat?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Would you?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16It's red, it's not pink.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17- Would you, pink.- It's red.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Oh, please it's pink.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20It's red, shut your face.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Red and ginger, devil's finger.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- What? - That's what they say. It's true.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- No-one says that.- Who says that?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- No-one says that, Bob.- They do.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Is that what your mum used to say? - And they're still saying it.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39So what do you think, Lee? Is she telling the truth?
0:25:39 > 0:25:40What do we think, Bob?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I'm saying it's a lie.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- You're saying it's a lie, David's saying it's...- Possibly true.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51- Well, I'll go lie.- OK, you're saying lie. Sarah, truth or lie?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53It is a...
0:25:53 > 0:25:54lie.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Oh!
0:25:57 > 0:26:03Yes, it's a lie, Sarah didn't put a cat-cam on her cat.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Next.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07It's David Harewood.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13I can balance a bank note on my nose.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18When did you first find this out?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20When I was about, um, 13.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Is it flat or is it sort of like that?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26It's on its, kind of, on its...
0:26:26 > 0:26:30- On its edge.- Yes. And I would balance it on like that.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Straight up? Like that?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- Yes.- On your nose? - Kind of like that.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37So the end of the note is along your nose there.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- Going upwards?- Yes.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42What's your technique for... cos I imagine the problem
0:26:42 > 0:26:45with that is that the note would immediately fall off.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- Well, I kind of...- What's your technique for preventing that?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Zen.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Is that a type of glue?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56What do you think, David? Does this have the ring of truth for you?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58I don't think it does.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01I think it's an odd mixture of something that would be
0:27:01 > 0:27:05impossible and not that impressive anyway.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08So what do you think?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- I think we think it's a lie. - I think it's a lie. - Lie. We think it's a lie.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Three of you, all three of you think it's a lie. OK.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16David Harewood, truth or lie?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18It is...
0:27:18 > 0:27:20true.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Whoa!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Yes, it's true.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Whoa.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34You pulled that out at just the right time for us.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- Cheers, mate.- I might have to... I have to stand up for this.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- All right, please do.- Here we go.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Take your time, milk it.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Whoa.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51APPLAUSE
0:28:00 > 0:28:03- Very impressive! Yes, it's true. - BUZZER
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Oh, and that noise signals time is up - it's the end of the show
0:28:06 > 0:28:09and I can tell you that Lee's team have triumphed
0:28:09 > 0:28:11by three points to two.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14SPEECHED COVERED BY APPLAUSE
0:28:16 > 0:28:19But, of course, it's not just a team game
0:28:19 > 0:28:24and my individual liar of the week this week is Bob Mortimer.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25APPLAUSE
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Yes, Bob Mortimer if you were looking for an effortless liar
0:28:31 > 0:28:34then Bob's your uncle. At least, he says he's your uncle -
0:28:34 > 0:28:37he's probably lying about that, too. Good night.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd