0:00:25 > 0:00:27Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?
0:00:27 > 0:00:29The show with dedication to fabrication.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31And on Lee Mack's team tonight
0:00:31 > 0:00:34a TV chef who co-wrote The Hairy Dieters book.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I bought it last week and I've already lost nine pounds,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40well, £8.99 to be precise.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42It's the Hairy Biker, Dave Myers.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Thank you.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49And a woman whose working day starts at 3.00am
0:00:49 > 0:00:52so put your hands together, very quietly so you don't wake her up,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54it's Susanna Reid.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Now, on David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:01:00 > 0:01:04a man who is one of the few comedy geniuses who can do the vital
0:01:04 > 0:01:09but thankless task of hosting a comedy panel show, Jimmy Carr.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16And a comedian and actor with a line in saving nature
0:01:16 > 0:01:20and restoring homes but tonight we'll be after a little less
0:01:20 > 0:01:24conservation and a little more action, it's Griff Rhys Jones.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists
0:01:32 > 0:01:34read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Now to make things harder, they've never seen the card before
0:01:37 > 0:01:40so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Jimmy Carr is first up.
0:01:48 > 0:01:53As a baby, I was regularly fed coffee in my bottle.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Lee Mack's team, what do you make of that?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58From...from birth?
0:01:58 > 0:02:02I thought you were going to say, from your mother's breast?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04You were given coffee in the milk?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Well, milky coffee from a very...from about the age of three.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11This is not hot coffee, obviously.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Yeah, no, it would have been quite warm, warm milky coffee.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17And when you got older did you ever say to your parents,
0:02:17 > 0:02:18- why did this happen?- Yeah.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22My children like coffee.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27Nowadays you can have what they call a kiddychino, a babychino.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Sorry, babychino. I got it wrong, kiddychino.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Actually, a kiddychino is just a very small pair of trousers.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33You probably do use them.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40If they were putting coffee in your milk for a...
0:02:40 > 0:02:43No, they weren't putting coffee in my milk, I was having coffee.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Slightly milky coffee.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Well, that is the same as putting coffee in milk.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Well...
0:02:48 > 0:02:51No, no, there's distinction between putting coffee in milk
0:02:51 > 0:02:52and putting milk in coffee.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54What is the distinction?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56It's like the distinction between having a glass of water
0:02:56 > 0:02:58and going swimming.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05In one case you're putting water in yourself,
0:03:05 > 0:03:08in the other case, you're putting yourself in water.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13Did they give you other more adult foodstuffs at a very young age?
0:03:13 > 0:03:14I think I was...
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I think I was allowed a modicum of booze as a child.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Oh, were you? At what age were you allowed booze?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Like, as a baby.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24It was to offset the coffee buzz.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Lee, what, what, what were you given as a child?
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Evostick.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33But that's glue.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Yeah, but that was to stop me getting out the cot.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40David, as a small child, what were they bringing you in your quarters?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Just a port and a cigar.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48You took the words out of my self-parodic mouth.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51No, the blood of a pheasant.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Did you say pheasant or peasant?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Lee, what are you thinking, is there any truth in this?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Which way are you leaning?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I don't know, what do you think, guys?
0:04:06 > 0:04:10I think we're skirting on the edge of giving out really bad child care advice.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12That is true, but I can't help thinking that any parent
0:04:12 > 0:04:14that's looking at Jimmy and thinking, I want to raise
0:04:14 > 0:04:17a child like that anyway, is a dodgy parent in the first place.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18You know what I mean?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- I think it's nonsense. - You think it's nonsense.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Nonsense, OK.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- I think it's a lie. - You think it's a lie.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- We'll say it's a lie then. - Pretty conclusively.- Yeah.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Jimmy Carr, were you telling us
0:04:28 > 0:04:31the truth then or were you telling a lie?
0:04:31 > 0:04:35I can tell you it is absolutely true.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36It's true.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Wow, wow.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Yes, it's true.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46As a baby, Jimmy was regularly fed coffee in his bottle.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Dave, you're next.
0:04:49 > 0:04:54I once spent an entire Christmas locked in a bank.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58David's team.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02By an entire Christmas, what are we talking? All 12 days, I'm assuming.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06No, Christmas Eve until about 7.00 on Boxing night.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- On Boxing night?- Yes.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11When the bank opened for the usual Boxing Day evening.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15- No, somebody came to let me out. - Which bank?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19It was a merchant bank. I was working as a security guard
0:05:19 > 0:05:23and I'd elected, due to personal trauma, that I'd spend my
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Christmas working overtime, guarding Hill Samuel in Victoria.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29And then they forgot about you.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31No, because there was a rush on at Christmas,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I never got relieved on Christmas morning.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- A rush on. - Oh, we all look forward to that.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40I mean, in the Brydon household, I have to say,
0:05:40 > 0:05:41it's my one Christmas treat.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47It was the Christmas after John Lennon got assassinated.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49And you had to go into hiding?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55I don't ever remember you being implicated in this.
0:05:55 > 0:06:00- You see, I was living with a girl in Streatham.- Yeah, Yoko.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04No. And we split up because she was seeing somebody else.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06John Lennon.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10So I needed to get a job and, you know, I wanted to be a bit of
0:06:10 > 0:06:15a martyr so I said I'd work the Christmas shift as a security guard.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Like many of the great martyrs through history.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- Dave, answer me this. - Yes, certainly, Griff.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25You went through a period where you were so lonely and down
0:06:25 > 0:06:29that you didn't have any family of any kind whatsoever
0:06:29 > 0:06:32who were saying, come home for Christmas and come and...?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34No, but they laughed themselves silly when I phoned them
0:06:34 > 0:06:37up on Christmas Day and told them where I was.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38How did you do that?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40There was a phone in the bank.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46What sort of bank is this, with a phone in it?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I, honestly, I've tried to phone a bank over and over again.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57So there's a phone in the bank,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00why did you only use it to phone your family
0:07:00 > 0:07:03and not to phone someone who could have released you from the bank?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Oh, I kept phoning. I kept phoning. It was a firm in Croydon that
0:07:06 > 0:07:09had employed me and I kept phoning them and they said
0:07:09 > 0:07:11they had nobody in to hold on.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13So I held on right through, like, four shifts.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- And you accepted that? - Oh, no, I was locked in the bank.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- So at 8.00... - And I couldn't get out.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20When you're a guard in the bank, they lock you in.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22They don't lock you in surely, in the bank?
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Well, they wouldn't give me the keys. I was only 22.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Sorry, that's how a merchant bank ensures its security over Christmas?
0:07:29 > 0:07:33It locks a 22-year-old in there and they go,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36it's all right if anyone breaks in, the 22-year-old will handle it.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40No, but I had a phone, you see. I could have phoned for the police.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43What were you supposed to do if the burglars all come in?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Ring Croydon, they say, we'll have someone there in the next 36 hours.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48How did you actually celebrate Christmas?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50I mean, what did you do to mark it?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Before I went to work, I did take myself a small capon,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58I stuffed it, little sausages and everything and I put it by my,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01you know, away, and I looked forward to it.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03But when I got back on Boxing night,
0:08:03 > 0:08:07the cat had had my capon cos I forgot to put it away.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09The cat was wearing your cape?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12No, a capon, it's like a type of chicken.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- Oh, sorry.- I didn't even have a Christmas dinner.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- The cat with a cape on. - The cat wasn't wearing the apron.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- He said...- The cat's there taking over doing the frying going,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22well, he's gone I might as well look after myself.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- No, no, no, no, no. - It's like a big chicken.
0:08:25 > 0:08:30He clearly said, I came back and the cat had my cape on.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34So, David, what are you thinking?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37There is only one person who can answer this question
0:08:37 > 0:08:40here in this room, so we're going to have to turn to you, Jimmy.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44I wouldn't have thought there were many merchant banks in Victoria.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I don't really know much about banks in Victoria,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48if it was in Jersey I'd...
0:08:48 > 0:08:49LAUGHTER
0:08:49 > 0:08:50..I'm your man.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55So is it the truth?
0:08:55 > 0:08:56- I think true.- Do you?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I like the detail, the cat,
0:08:58 > 0:09:03the capon, I love the story, I'd like to buy the rights.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- We think it's true. - True, we think it's true.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- You all think it's true. - Absolutely true.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Dave, truth or lie?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Sadly, it's true.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Yes, it's true. Dave once spent an entire Christmas locked in a bank.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:09:25 > 0:09:28who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:09:30 > 0:09:32that has the genuine connection to the guest.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35And it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38So please welcome this week's special guest, Ray.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50So, let's start with Susanna how do you know Ray?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52This is Ray.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56I stole his title for downing a pint faster than anyone
0:09:56 > 0:09:59else on the BBC Breakfast team.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Dave, what is Ray to you?
0:10:02 > 0:10:06This is Ray, and as teenagers we spent two weeks
0:10:06 > 0:10:10building a 35 foot long airship in his back garden
0:10:10 > 0:10:13for it only to be popped by his pet cat.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17What about you, Lee, what's your relationship with Ray?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19This is Ray he taught me to drive in a hearse.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22So there we are.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Susanna's pint drinking opponent, Dave's airship building buddy,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28or Lee's hearse driving instructor.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31David's team, who do you want to start with?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33How quickly can you drink a pint?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I can drink a pint in six seconds.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- Six seconds?- Yes.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40How quick was Ray?
0:10:40 > 0:10:41Seven seconds.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Thank God you said a number bigger.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47And how long had Ray held the record?
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Three years.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51And how much less a man do you think he felt?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Well, it was a tough phone call because I had to call him
0:10:54 > 0:10:57to tell him that his record had gone.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Sorry, you just did this at home, did you?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03"I've had another one, Ray, I'm really getting through it tonight."
0:11:03 > 0:11:07- Sorry, no Ray....- If you're drunk, why do you turn northern, Jimmy?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Because of the alcohol.- Oh, right.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15I don't mind. When I'm trying to fiddle the government,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18I always put on Jimmy's voice.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22We all, we all do different things, we all do different voices.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Susanna can you just fill me in,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26what was his role in the Breakfast team then?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- Ray was a floor manager of Breakfast.- Right.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30In Television Centre.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I mean, Ray is famous for having the record of
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Seven seconds for downing a pint.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39But that was when we were at Television centre in London
0:11:39 > 0:11:42and then, of course, the Breakfast team moved to Salford
0:11:42 > 0:11:44and Ray didn't come with us.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Oh, I see, so the Breakfast team start downing pints when?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I've seen the show, I think they start before they finish.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Do they?- I'm confident.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58What's the context for this pint drinking, is it an annual?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00It is the annual Christmas party.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03What is your pint drinking technique?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06You have the pint.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08And you drink it.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Quickly.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16- I tap it once.- Yeah. - And I do it in four glugs.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Four glugs?!
0:12:19 > 0:12:23You can't do a pint in four glugs? How big are your glugs?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I'd like to know about the phone call.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Did you want to call him straightaway,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- did you wait till the next day? - It was the next day.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Did you HAVE to ring him?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Cos he's already lost his job, the place he works has closed,
0:12:37 > 0:12:41and so he'll be going, on top of that, you may think you're remembered
0:12:41 > 0:12:44fondly as the fastest beer drinker here, well no not even that,
0:12:44 > 0:12:49you've been beaten in that by one of the female presenters of the show.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53He didn't care, he got a new job teaching people to drive in hearses.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Let's move on to that, so you, he taught you to drive,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00why in a hearse?
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Because that's the vehicle he owned, because he was a funeral director.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06So what does the sign on his shop say?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Closed, when he's teaching me.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Why did he teach you to drive if he was a funeral director?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Because he was a friend who was a funeral director,
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- he just so happened to own a hearse. - Where did this all take place?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- In the hearse.- No, I meant...
0:13:22 > 0:13:24LAUGHTER
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I sometimes said, can I have a lie down in the back
0:13:26 > 0:13:28if I was tired, but he wasn't.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Where does he come from?- Southport. - Southport, the streets of Southport?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Yes, how do you know I'm from Southport?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- I told him.- How do you know?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Because we've been doing this programme for a thousand years.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Right so you're in Southport.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Is that you David? Is that David?
0:13:43 > 0:13:47I know everything about you, including the fact that you
0:13:47 > 0:13:49did not learn to drive in a hearse.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Nevertheless, we have to go through this.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56What age did you get your driving licence?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- About 22.- Wow! - About 22?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Wow, what? I was a late developer.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02I don't think you...
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Didn't have a first girlfriend till 46 and I'm only 44.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Give me a call in a couple of years.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Actually, I'd like to ask you something, what's
0:14:12 > 0:14:14the name of this funeral directors?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- What, Ray's Funeral Directors? - Ray's Funeral Directors.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21No, no, that's not my answer, I said, what? Ray's funeral directors?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Yeah, what was Ray's funeral directors called?
0:14:24 > 0:14:25I'll tell you now,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- I'll tell you what Ray's funeral directors was called.- Yeah.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Jones' Funeral Directors.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Jones, how does he do it, how does he come up with it so fast?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38When he took you out for these driving lessons, did it ever
0:14:38 > 0:14:42happen that you had, how shall I put it, a passenger in the back?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46No, but the, he did teach me once with a coffin in the back
0:14:46 > 0:14:48that didn't contain a body.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51It didn't contain anything before you go, what was in there?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53DAVID: Did he, did he?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Ocado have got a bit more protective over their fruit and veg.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Should we move onto the airship. - Yes, this is Dave.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01So you built an airship...I mean, this seems entirely plausible
0:15:01 > 0:15:03to me, you built an airship in your back garden?
0:15:03 > 0:15:07No, in Ray's back garden, we had a mutual love of dirigibles.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12And how um, how, how old were you when you, when you did this?
0:15:12 > 0:15:17- 16.- What did you build your airship out of?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Well, it's mainly air.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23No, no, no, it was plastic sheeting but it was sculpted
0:15:23 > 0:15:26so it did form the shape of an airship.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28How can you sculpt sheeting?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Because the way you cut it and you put it together,
0:15:31 > 0:15:33when it's blown up, it will assume that shape.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36And was there anything underneath it?
0:15:36 > 0:15:40There was meant to be, but it never got that far, really. Um...
0:15:40 > 0:15:44When the cat jumped on it, it was kind of went out of commission.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46With his cape billowing in the wind.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49It was a different cat.
0:15:49 > 0:15:55You had terrible trouble with cats. How did you inflate it?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- With a vacuum cleaner put on blow. - So you blew with a vacuum cleaner?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Do they have a blow function? I don't know.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- Do you do any vacuuming very often? - God, no!- No, what about you, Jimmy?
0:16:04 > 0:16:08I don't know I'd have to ask my people but I imagine someone does.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10It's terrible to see three grown men
0:16:10 > 0:16:11who've never picked up a vacuum cleaner.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Oh, I have picked one up.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- Oh, I've picked one up, yeah, but not for vacuuming.- Yeah.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21So the idea was, you actually get the shape formed, and then
0:16:21 > 0:16:25you heat the air that you put in and hopefully it would have flown.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28How do you heat the air once it's already in there?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Crafting a gondola with two camping stoves on.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- It wasn't to carry people. - You said, "Crafting a gondola."
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- We never got that far.- I know what all three of those words mean,
0:16:38 > 0:16:42but I can't get a concept out of them.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45In airship terminology, in dirigibles, it is a gondola
0:16:45 > 0:16:47that's suspended underneath the bag of gas.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Do you know what, that fact alone - true.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Have we changed channels?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Where were you going to go?
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Venice.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Just flying really. It was just...
0:16:57 > 0:16:59He was thinking,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02next time I get locked in a bank, I want an escape plan.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06You, see I'd been on an inflatables course where, where...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Yeah, spin on it.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Hang, hang, hang on, hang on, what is an inflatables course?
0:17:11 > 0:17:15It's for people that keep letting down their girlfriend.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21It was just learning how to make things out of plastic
0:17:21 > 0:17:24and blowing up, it was kind of a sculptural thing.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Now, let's go back to this cat, did he jump from a tree or a wall?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- Back yard wall. - Back yard wall.- Yeah.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33So the cat saw this huge inflated thing and thought...
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- DAVE: Bloody hell, I'll have that. - I'm going to jump on it.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Yeah. No, it just jumped on the top and we were in it at the time.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42You were in it. Why had you gone inside?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45To work out where to put the heat shield.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- You honestly... - That's true, that's true.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Couldn't be any more true.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54To work out where to put the heat shield, true.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Right, chaps. We need an answer. So, David's team -
0:17:58 > 0:18:02is Ray Dave's airship building buddy,
0:18:02 > 0:18:08Susanna's pint drinking opponent, or Lee's hearse driving instructor?
0:18:08 > 0:18:13Let's, let's go through, OK. So the hearse story, nonsense.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I could imagine BBC Breakfast having a drinking competition.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I remind you of the phrase,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21we were in there to see where to put the heat shield.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27You think...you think he'd make that up?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30And let's not forget the phrase, Jones's funeral directors.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I think he's a mate of Dave's.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I think he looks so much like a mate of Dave's, if we stood them
0:18:37 > 0:18:39face to face, it would look like a vase.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41So you are saying, therefore...?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Airship. Airship.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48Airship, right. OK. Ray, please reveal your true identity.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I'm Ray and I built an airship with Dave.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Thank you very much indeed, Ray.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Which brings us to our final round, Quick-Fire Lies,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth
0:19:09 > 0:19:12but against the clock. And we start with...
0:19:13 > 0:19:16It's Susanna, off you go.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20My dad used to keep a coconut in the car because holding it was
0:19:20 > 0:19:23the only thing that would cure my travel sickness.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25David's team.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Where did the coconut come from?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29We used to go on this very long journey to Devon
0:19:29 > 0:19:31cos that's where we used to go on holiday.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34One year, when the fair came to the village where we were staying,
0:19:34 > 0:19:39we won a coconut and because I was sitting with it in the car on the
0:19:39 > 0:19:42way home, cos I was so fond of it,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44it was the one journey where I didn't get sick.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47And you hadn't opened the coconut, you hadn't given
0:19:47 > 0:19:50in to the temptation which most of us when we get a coconut,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53really the thrill is the smashing open with the hammer of the coconut.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54I disagree.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57It's the drilling and the sucking the milk out with a straw.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Some of us like to drill and suck, some of us like to smash.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03This is what it says on Rob's match.com website.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08So talk us through the benefits, I mean,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11what was it about holding the hairy little fella that...?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17You got excited then, didn't you?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I did. Thought it was me for a minute.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22That brought you such, that brought you such comfort?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24I think it must have just been the texture of it
0:20:24 > 0:20:28and also the sheer distraction because...
0:20:28 > 0:20:31This could be the best night of your life, Dave.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36It would help me to visualise if you could put your head in her lap.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Can we do that? Can you just, you have your head,
0:20:38 > 0:20:43just so we can get a feel, if you could just...
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Wow, do you know what, he didn't take much persuading, did he?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50So how would that look, is this something we could believe in?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Yeah, just slightly higher so we can see.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I tell you what, I'm glad he faced that way.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- That could have been awkward, couldn't it.- Well...
0:20:58 > 0:21:02You don't look as delighted with the coconut as I was expecting.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Can I just say, with my slightly spiky hair,
0:21:04 > 0:21:08I probably am slightly more coconut-esque. I'm just saying.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Too late, the coconut's been cast.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14So, David.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Marvellous.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- David, what are you thinking? - What do you think, Griff?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I don't believe the old hairy coconut story.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I think, definitely true.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Well, I'm saying true, Griff's saying, not true so,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30who ever your favourite is, just go with that.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33This is, it's like I'm, you know, a nasty dad
0:21:33 > 0:21:36with two children of very different ages.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- My instinct is it's true. - You think it's true.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42OK, Susanna, they say it's true.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47Were you telling the truth or were you, in fact, telling a lie?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50It is...a lie.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Yes, it's a lie. Susanna's dad didn't used to keep
0:21:57 > 0:22:01a coconut in the car to cure her travel sickness.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Next, it's Griff.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09I pretended to Princess Margaret that I was deaf.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- You pretended to Princess Margaret that you were deaf?- Yeah.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Why did you pretend you were deaf?
0:22:15 > 0:22:21Because...because I needed to...
0:22:21 > 0:22:25I needed to explain that I didn't understand what she was saying.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26What did she say?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28She said, "What are you going to say?"
0:22:28 > 0:22:31And how did you find out that's what she'd said?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Because I pretended to be deaf.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- She said...- So she then said it loudly and clearly.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37- So did you have, did...- What?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- So did you have someone signing to you then?- What?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45She came up to me and, if you remember, she spoke in a
0:22:45 > 0:22:49sort of very Princess Margaret sort of voice and so she said...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51We met and we were introduced and she said,
0:22:51 > 0:22:52"Oh, you going here at the end?"
0:22:52 > 0:22:54And you said?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57And I said, "I beg your pardon, Ma'am."
0:22:57 > 0:22:59And she said...
0:22:59 > 0:23:00UNINTELLIGIBLE SPEECH
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Yeah.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06And I said, "Yes." And she said, "What do you mean, yes?"
0:23:08 > 0:23:10And I said, "I'm terribly sorry.
0:23:10 > 0:23:16"I didn't quite catch what you said then, Ma'am. I am a little deaf."
0:23:16 > 0:23:17And she said?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20"What are you going to say?!"
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- And what were you going to say? - What?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26What was the answer to the question? What were you going to say?
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- What is the answer to that question? - "I haven't thought it through yet."
0:23:30 > 0:23:33You mean, you talking to me now or to Princess Margaret?
0:23:33 > 0:23:34No, no, to Princess Margaret.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37The answer should have been, I haven't thought it through yet.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- Yeah.- But what did you end up saying?- That's what I said to her,
0:23:40 > 0:23:41"I haven't quite thought it through yet."
0:23:41 > 0:23:43But...no. But what...the answer...no.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46No, I'm asking, she said, "What are you going to say?"
0:23:46 > 0:23:48He said, "I haven't thought it through yet."
0:23:48 > 0:23:49What I want to know is,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52what were you going to say in the thing that you were supposed to say?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- Oh, I was going to make a speech. - And what were you going to say?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56He hadn't thought it through yet.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I hadn't thought it through at that stage.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- What did you say?- Something about art.- Pardon?- Art.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Sorry, I didn't understand what you said.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05I was making a speech.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07You can hear better with your classes on, can you?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Yeah. I can see you, cos I can see your lips moving now.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12And probably, I might be able to read 'em.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- It was an art competition... - A competition, were you in it?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16..And I was giving prizes to the people.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- You were giving prizes. - Yeah, and she'd been invited along.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- Right.- As the, you know, royal member of royalty.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24And so I met her and I couldn't understand a word she was saying,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- so I had to lie. - And pretend you were deaf.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28And it all went horribly wrong.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Lee, what are you going to say? Is that true, do you think?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- What do you think, Susanna? - I think it's true.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Think it's true.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I think it's true. You can't stand there going, eh? You what?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I think Griff would try just to smooth his way out of it.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Just try and yeah. He's a smoothy, isn't he?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- Yeah, I think it's true.- He's an old smoothy. I think it's true.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48You think it's true?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Griff, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53What?
0:24:53 > 0:24:54It's true.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55It's true.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Yes, it's true.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Griff did pretend to Princess Margaret that he was deaf.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Next...it is Lee.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11I have hidden in a cupboard to escape Anthea Turner.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- David's team. - Where were you when this happened?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- In the cupboard.- In the cupboard.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Where was the cupboard?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22In the room I was hiding from Anthea.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- Where was the room? - Just away from Anthea Turner.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27What was the occasion?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30And do not define the occasion or the geographical space
0:25:30 > 0:25:33in relation to Anthea Turner, what else was it?
0:25:33 > 0:25:36It was on a TV show that I was doing...
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Hide In The Cupboard From Anthea. I remember seeing it on BBC Three.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41That's very good. I don't think Lee was ever on it though.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- Oh, that's a lie. - What was the show called?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Pet Power.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Pet Power.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- Pet Power. It was about... - What was the premise?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Cats with capes.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56What were you doing on the show? What was your role on the show?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59My role on the show? I was the warm up man, like a TV warm up man.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Pet Power was the show where the pets would come on
0:26:01 > 0:26:04and there would be interesting stories about pets.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07And some of them, this particular incident,
0:26:07 > 0:26:10was a budgie goes up into the rafters.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14And I'm upstairs in my dressing room and I'm watching it on the monitor.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I hadn't been doing comedy very long and I was running out
0:26:16 > 0:26:19of things to go back and say to warm the audience up.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21And I saw the budgie go up in the rafters,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24panicked and there was a knock on the door.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- KNOCKING - Hid in the cupboard.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29And they actually came into the room but I was hiding in the cupboard.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- You mean the floor manager... - If you will.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36..Turned to Anthea and said, Anthea, I need you to pop upstairs...
0:26:36 > 0:26:37- No, no.- ..To get the warm up man.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40I don't think it was Anthea that personally came to get me.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- Oh, I see, you didn't hide from... - How will I ever know, Griff?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- They knocked on the door of your dressing room.- Correct.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Then what happened?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50As the door opened, I thought oh, my God, they're going to come
0:26:50 > 0:26:53and get me and say, come on, get out the cupboard
0:26:53 > 0:26:55and do some jokes, even though you've none left.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57And at that point, this is the bit you're not going to believe,
0:26:57 > 0:27:02I thought they're going to find me, and then I saw a lion, a witch,
0:27:02 > 0:27:07and I was able to escape into the forest and never was seen again.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09- No.- I'll tell you what I'm interested to know.- Yeah.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12You didn't stay in the cupboard indefinitely.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14No, cos that would have been ridiculous.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- You came out and you must have chanced upon Anthea.- I did.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19It wasn't really Anthea that went to look for him, it transpires.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Just the floor manager. It was a normal professional relationship.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25He's rather building up his intimacy with Anthea Turner.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28I don't think they've ever exchanged any words at all.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Even in the lying world, where any of this happened,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32which is not the world we're living in at all.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Narnia is more believable.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40David. Could that be true?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- Griff, do you think it's true? - It's not true.- Jimmy?
0:27:42 > 0:27:45I think it could be true. I know Lee used to do TV warm ups.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48I used to do TV warm ups as well, it's how a lot of comics start.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50- When you start out, you run out of material.- You do.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- You think it's true. - It could be true.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- You've talked yourself into thinking it's...- Yeah.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I listened to you earlier in the show and it didn't work
0:27:57 > 0:27:58so I'm going with Griff. It's a lie.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00You think it's a lie?
0:28:00 > 0:28:03OK, Lee, was it the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Of course, it is absolutely true.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Yes, it's true.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16Lee has hidden inside a cupboard to escape Anthea Turner.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17BUZZER SOUNDS
0:28:17 > 0:28:20And that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22I can reveal it's a draw.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28But it's not just a team game,
0:28:28 > 0:28:32and my individual liar of the week this week is Dave Myers.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Yes, Dave and the truth, like his hair and a brush,
0:28:37 > 0:28:40they just don't go together. Good night.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd