0:00:22 > 0:00:25Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,
0:00:25 > 0:00:28the show with tall tales and tantalising truths.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30On David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33a comedian who used to sell furniture.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37A shabby dresser, a knackered tallboy, a leathery old pouf,
0:00:37 > 0:00:38it didn't matter what people shouted at him,
0:00:38 > 0:00:42he carried on selling that furniture. It's Micky Flanagan.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE
0:00:45 > 0:00:50And a TV star who's most famous for presenting the BBC News.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Reading autocue can be tricky, you've got to make sure
0:00:53 > 0:00:56you don't accidently wrong the words say. It's Fiona Bruce.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:03And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a presenter
0:01:03 > 0:01:08who last year came top of a poll for TV's most irritating hair cut,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11a decision still being contested by Micky Flanagan's lawyers.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13It's Claudia Winkleman.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16APPLAUSE
0:01:16 > 0:01:21And lock up your daughters, sisters, mothers, aunts and grannies.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22It's Steve Jones.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24APPLAUSE
0:01:27 > 0:01:29So we begin with Round One, Home Truths
0:01:29 > 0:01:32where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42And it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Tonight, we start with Micky.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I once livened up a lacklustre hen do
0:01:48 > 0:01:51by taking my clothes off for the ladies.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I don't know much about religious cultures,
0:01:54 > 0:01:55what is a lacklustre Hindu?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Hen do.- Oh! There was a misunderstanding.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Where were you? - I was in Minorca.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Yeah, there was a group of girls sort of wandering round
0:02:08 > 0:02:10a little bit, forlorn like, you know...
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Was it a restaurant, Micky?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14A town square, a restaurant, what was it?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17It was in a sort of restaurant-bar type thing.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- I know what you mean. - You know with an outside area.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- Who were you with? - I was with my now wife
0:02:22 > 0:02:25and someone else's wife and you know.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I just went around asking various wives if they cared
0:02:31 > 0:02:33to spend time in Spain with me.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34So what did you do again?
0:02:34 > 0:02:38I could see the girl sort of walking around tables, talking to men,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40and then suddenly she came up to me
0:02:40 > 0:02:43and said, "Oh, would you do a, um, strip for us?"
0:02:43 > 0:02:49And your now wife and your then wife were like, go ahead?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51My wife's a very open-minded person.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Hey, you don't have to tell me about it.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER
0:03:01 > 0:03:03So she said, would you do a strip?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06To be honest with you, I initially said no
0:03:06 > 0:03:09and it was my wife who went, you should do it.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Why?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Because I'm a great dancer.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Micky, is there any chance you could give us some visual proof
0:03:15 > 0:03:17because you just said you're a great dancer.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20If I could see a bit then I may believe the story a bit more.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21To be honest, I can't remember what I did.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24MAN IN AUDIENCE: Come on!
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Oh. I see your wife's in.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Peer group pressure.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Yeah, it's not a group really. It's just one person
0:03:36 > 0:03:38who shouted "come on" in a TV recording.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40It could spread though, David. I've seen it spread.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44So go on, Micky, so there you were, in the restaurant,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47your wife said, go on, Micky, have a strip.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48What happened next?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I, sort of, then had to set the scene.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Set the scene?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Did you have props?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Not props but I knew I'd need a stage and a pole.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57What?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I don't think male strippers have poles, do they?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Why not? A man can swing round a pole, can't he?
0:04:04 > 0:04:05I think you're thinking of Morris dancers.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I told them to play Keep Your Hat On, classic.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And I sort of just improvised from there, really.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17So just by complete coincidence, they had the song you asked for?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Yeah, well, I went and checked with the DJ.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21What kind of restaurant was it?
0:04:21 > 0:04:22I would say dubious.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27I think the sort of restaurant where there's a DJ and a pole,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29you start to doubt the quality of the paella.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32And how much did you take off?
0:04:32 > 0:04:38I sort of got to my pants and then I could see across the restaurant
0:04:38 > 0:04:42bar, diner, alfresco area, my wife went to me...
0:04:42 > 0:04:44HE MOUTHS
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Even though ten minutes earlier she'd said,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49you should strip for them. They're sad, they're having a rubbish time.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I said she was open-minded, she's got standards.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55No, she hasn't.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57LAUGHTER
0:05:00 > 0:05:03OK, I want to try and set this scene. You're there,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06the hen is there, your two wives are there.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11We're wondering, is he going to do it, is he going to do it?
0:05:11 > 0:05:15You scamper up to the DJ, you have a word, and you say, hit it.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19MUSIC: You Can Leave Your Hat On
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I think we've seen enough. We've seen enough, we've seen enough.
0:05:43 > 0:05:50Fiona, on behalf of the BBC, I offer a full and profound apology.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Please don't press charges.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55OK. What are you thinking, Lee?
0:05:55 > 0:06:00Here's my problem, is I think that a gang of girls who were on a hen
0:06:00 > 0:06:04aren't lacklustre. If you've already got on a plane,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06you've committed, you're in, you're on board.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07But Claudia I would say,
0:06:07 > 0:06:10that once I'd got over the slight kind of..."Oh, my God,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12"what's going on?" thing, there was a moment,
0:06:12 > 0:06:16when Micky put his knee on my shoulder
0:06:16 > 0:06:18and I thought,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21this has gone from lacklustre...
0:06:21 > 0:06:22to stellar.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Yeah.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Yeah, I fancy a pint of Stella after that.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28So, what are you thinking?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Ah, I don't know. This is a tough one, because
0:06:30 > 0:06:33there's something about Micky that says he would do it.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34CLAUDIA: Course he would.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37This is not real. It's horribly vague, it's all over the shop.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39So you think it's a lie. You think it's...?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- I think it's totally true. - I'll go with true.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44OK. Micky, truth or lie?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46It is...
0:06:46 > 0:06:47true.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49APPLAUSE
0:06:50 > 0:06:55Yes, Micky did liven up a hen do by taking his clothes off.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Steve, you're next.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I once saved P Diddy's life.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04- Erm, David.- How?
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Well, hang on, before we get there. David. P Diddy.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10LAUGHTER
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Where does one begin?
0:07:12 > 0:07:16A rapper, a singer, very popular sells a lot of records.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Right.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19We can have a look at a photo. Here he is, take a look,
0:07:19 > 0:07:20for viewers at home perhaps.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- That's the man whose life I saved. - DAVID: Right.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25FIONA: So, how did you do it?
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Er, he was drowning and I saved him. I jumped in and I saved him.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30You were lucky he was drowning,
0:07:30 > 0:07:34because you couldn't have saved him from drowning if he'd been choking.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36What was he drowning in?
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Water.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39OK, where was this? Where was this?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41St Tropez.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Get you. You and P Diddy in the sea in St Tropez.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- Yes, indeed.- So were you...you were socialising with P Diddy beforehand,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50you didn't just happen to come across him.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Yeah, we were socialising. We were on the same boat together.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Hang on a minute. Are you Welsh?
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Yes, I'm a Welsh person.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Then I find this very hard to believe.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- OK.- So why were you on this boat?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06We have a mutual friend who owns a boat.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- What, you and P Diddy?- Yes.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Derek Evans from Pontypridd.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13LAUGHTER
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Derek has been very close to Diddy for some years now.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- When was this?- Five years ago. Four or five years ago.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Four or five years, all right.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Why were you both in St Tropez at the same time?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25It was Cannes at the time.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29And we just went there to party and she said, one day, "Oh, P Diddy
0:08:29 > 0:08:31"is joining us tomorrow." And I was like, oh, cool.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- And why did you get invited?- Uh...
0:08:33 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Harsh, bit harsh.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I'm friends with the lady who owns the boat,
0:08:43 > 0:08:44and her friend's with P Diddy, so.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Did he come on his own or did he have some of his entourage with him?
0:08:47 > 0:08:51He came with one giant body guard.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- And so they get on the boat, him and the body guard.- Yep.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- And then he goes for a swim or does he fall off?- They....
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Or was he pushed?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05We got pretty steaming that night when he got on the boat,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07it was a bit of a raucous party. The next morning
0:09:07 > 0:09:10he was a bit hung-over, I remember him saying, "Yo, I'm hung-over."
0:09:10 > 0:09:12And I was like, "Yeah. We all are."
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Did he think your name was Yo?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Yeah, possibly.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21He was hungry and I remember him
0:09:21 > 0:09:24eating a big bowl of pasta for lunch.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Then he was like, I'm going to go for a dip.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28And he jumped into the ocean.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I thought you said he couldn't swim.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Well, this is... OK, let me finish!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35I'm sorry, as he dived, he went, "Oh, I can't!"
0:09:36 > 0:09:39"ARGH, I can't swim! I forgot!"
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I've done that. Haven't you done that?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Know what I mean? We've all done it.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Who's team are you on?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46So was this wasn't a very high boat then?
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Well, it was like a speed boat that was part of the bigger boat.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53We took the smaller boat to go out into the open ocean to swim.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56So you took him further from somewhere where he might be saved.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I'm not his father. I'm not like, "P Diddy, can you swim?"
0:09:59 > 0:10:01He just jumped in.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I think, if I was socialising with a rap star,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I might not ask them whether or not they can swim
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- before they go swimming. I think. - Oh, I would.- You would.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Yeah, because if they jump in then suddenly they're drowning
0:10:12 > 0:10:13they'll start...
0:10:13 > 0:10:15HE MAKES GUNSHOT NOISES
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Start shooting it up, you know.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20So you've got into a smaller boat.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22He jumps off the smaller boat.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I didn't think much of it, I turn around to look
0:10:24 > 0:10:27how he's doing. I just glance. It's P Diddy, you're going to look.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30And he's got his hands balled into fists
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- and he's kind of doing this. - That is a fatal error.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Hitting the water with clenched fists and I thought he was messing around.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Like he's trying to destroy the sea.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38I couldn't work it out.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40My nemesis!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER
0:10:44 > 0:10:46So I jumped in, I swam across to him,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49and I'm like, "You're OK, calm down." He's like, "Argh, help!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:51and I grabbed him around his chest like this and, kind of,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54swam back to the boat and you know got him on the ladder
0:10:54 > 0:10:55and he said thanks.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58And I was like, you're welcome, P Diddy.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00All right, so what are you thinking, David?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02This is the most ridiculous story I've ever heard.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05I think that is P Diddy, if he'd have done anything that stupid
0:11:05 > 0:11:07and you would have saved him he'd have said to you,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10"Nobody ever hears about this, do you understand?"
0:11:10 > 0:11:12The various rap stars whose lives I've saved,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14they've all sworn me to secrecy.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17So David, truth or lie?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Well, I think we think it's a lie.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24You're saying a lie. Steve Jones, P Diddy, truth or lie?
0:11:24 > 0:11:25It is...
0:11:25 > 0:11:26- true.- No!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29APPLAUSE
0:11:29 > 0:11:30- Good call.- Not bad.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Our next round is called This Is My...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36where we bring on a mystery guest
0:11:36 > 0:11:39who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them
0:11:41 > 0:11:44that has the genuine connection to the guest,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50So, please welcome this week's special guest, Laura.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53APPLAUSE
0:11:57 > 0:12:01So, Fiona, what is Laura to you?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05This is Laura, she fell asleep when she came on the Antiques Roadshow
0:12:05 > 0:12:08while an expert was valuing her egg cups.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Micky, how do you know Laura?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14This is Laura, she owns my local chippy,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17and she said if I got her close to Steve,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20she would give me free chips for the rest of the year.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Finally, David, what's your relationship with Laura?
0:12:25 > 0:12:30This is Laura, she's the first woman I ever bought flowers for.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31I gave them to her to say sorry
0:12:31 > 0:12:33for being sick on her floor.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37So there we are.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Fiona's conked out collector, Micky's chip shop chum,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44or David's bouquet buddy. Lee's team.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47So, Micky. When was this incident?
0:12:47 > 0:12:48It's not an incident.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50It's built up over time because I've been going in there
0:12:50 > 0:12:53and Laura says to me, oh, I've seen you on the TV
0:12:53 > 0:12:55and we got chatting and she's always going on about Steve.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57"Do you ever work with Steve?" And I was like, yes.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Oh, and this is coincidence? - He's young, good looking. I'm like, thanks.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- What's the name of the chip shop, Micky?- The Zappian.- The what?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- The Zappian.- The Zappian.- What does that mean?- The Zappian.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10I don't know. Not everything makes sense in the world.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13All I know is, I used to live very near you, as you know,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15and I don't remember the....
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Hence the court case.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Yes. I don't remember the Zappian chip shop.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I sort of stumbled on it, if anything.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23It was sort of en route
0:13:23 > 0:13:25because I would normally go to the Cod Father,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27as you know, in East Dulwich.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I prefer the new one, the Cod Father II.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Set the scene and talk us through the moment
0:13:33 > 0:13:35when you knew you were going to be on with Steve
0:13:35 > 0:13:37and you had this thing to tell. How did it go?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I come in with my little boy, Friday night tradition,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41we go and get fish and chips, right, OK.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I know you see your boy on a Friday night.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48Yeah, but he, he finishes playing... He finishes...
0:13:48 > 0:13:53I get the tag removed for the evening and go and pick him up.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I walk in, and I say to her, I'm only on with that Steve Jones
0:13:56 > 0:13:59that you always go on about, blah. You know, roughly. We have a chat.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00- This is what...- And she says...
0:14:00 > 0:14:03She said, "Could you get me on the show? I'd love to meet him."
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- And I said, "Yeah, I think I can."- Yeah.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I didn't run round there and knock her up in the morning...
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Well, that...
0:14:10 > 0:14:12LAUGHTER
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Micky. No-one doubts what you'll do for a free bag of chips.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Laura, Laura, can you look, look at me, Laura?
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Laura's not allowed to speak, Steve.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- No, she's not speaking, just looking.- She's not allowed.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27She's not drowning, Steve. You can't touch her.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- She's not allowed to look at me? - No.- She can look at you.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31That's all I want. I'm not going to speak to her.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33That's how it always starts, isn't it?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Now is this close enough?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42FIONA: He wants to see if she looks adoringly, doesn't he? That's the thing.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44She couldn't look any less interested.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46LAUGHTER
0:14:47 > 0:14:50This lady does not care for me.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Not at all.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Not in the slightest. Nothing.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59And yet...
0:14:59 > 0:15:01You watch what happens now.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03LAUGHTER
0:15:05 > 0:15:07OK. Fiona, were you the person
0:15:07 > 0:15:10interviewing her when she fell asleep?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12No, it was it was one of our experts,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Will Farmer, who's a ceramics specialist,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16and so he was the one who was talking to her.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17So you didn't witness this event.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19This is something you found out later.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22No, no, I did witness it, because I saw it on the monitor.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23I waited to see what would happen,
0:15:23 > 0:15:25because I thought it was pretty funny.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Thought it was funny? "I think this woman just died.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31"She's going to be an antique soon."
0:15:31 > 0:15:34You'd be surprised how often people do fall asleep on the Roadshow,
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- because it's a very long day. - I wouldn't.- Oh.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- How many egg cups was it? - Well, I don't know how many were in the entire collection,
0:15:41 > 0:15:42but on the table were about a dozen.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- Are...- How... Sorry.- Are you sure...?- How... Sorry.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- You ask.- No, no, please. - Did you...?- How?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51LAUGHTER
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I promise you, right, I won't do it again.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- Claudia, have you got a question? - Yeah, I do. Um...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Nyah!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00LAUGHTER
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Did Laura immediately say, yes I've fallen asleep?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Like, did she... Was she open about it or did she wake up
0:16:07 > 0:16:09and do that thing where, I think I got away with this.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- She kind of went like that... - How much?!
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Tell me the period of time
0:16:15 > 0:16:17from when you noticed her falling asleep to when she woke up.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20It was only it was only about 30 seconds probably, it's not that...
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- 30 seconds?!- That's a long time on television, to have someone falling asleep.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- This didn't end up in the finished show?- It didn't.
0:16:25 > 0:16:30- And Laura was embarrassed?- Because I'm sorry, Laura. The egg cups weren't interesting enough.- Oh, dear.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34OK, David, tell us your fact again if you can remember it.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Well, she's the first woman I ever bought flowers for
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- and it was to say sorry for being sick on her floor.- Right.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42When was this?
0:16:42 > 0:16:46I was a student, so it would have been in the...the mid '90s.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Was it a party?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50It was, sort of... There were a group of people
0:16:50 > 0:16:52had gone back to her room after being at a bar...
0:16:52 > 0:16:54David, just so you know, that's called a party.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Well, no, no, well... What I'm saying is,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58invitations hadn't been issued.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Right.- Right.- You don't have to...
0:17:00 > 0:17:03LAUGHTER
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- There's a gang of you, you've gone back...- Yeah.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09You're drunk, at what point do you throw up?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- Are you on all fours? - Claudia, wait a minute,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- we don't know if he was drunk or not, he might have just...- Were you drunk?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- I was drunk.- OK.- Right.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20So you get back to the room, you put on some music, what do you do?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- I, well... There was definitely drinking.- Yes.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- I think there might have been crisps.- Right.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31I'll tell you what, all the clues are saying party.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32It is looking that way, isn't it?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35There was a brief... a brief round of musical statues
0:17:35 > 0:17:36but it didn't really...
0:17:37 > 0:17:42No, I remember sitting on a sofa and drinking,
0:17:42 > 0:17:47and then...then it goes a bit... And my memory fades slightly.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- I think I might have fallen asleep. - Before that.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Dozed off, passed out.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54And then suddenly, you wake up and you think,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I'm not going to make it. Do you ask for a bucket?
0:17:56 > 0:17:57No, I didn't think I was going to die.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01I don't remember much. I remember, I wake up,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I'm definitely going to be sick in a minute
0:18:03 > 0:18:07and I essentially have enough time to lean forward.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Oh.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- And, and then someone produces a bin.- Yes.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Sort of, I would say, 60% of the way through the process.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19And what about the flowers, when did they come into it?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21The next day.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25I woke up the next day and felt very hung-over, and quite guilty.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- Did she clean it up, did she say? Didn't ask.- I think she cleaned it up.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31But I certainly... What I didn't say is, here's some flowers
0:18:31 > 0:18:34and if it's still festering there, I'll go and clean it up now.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38All right. We need an answer, so, Lee's team. Is Laura...
0:18:38 > 0:18:39I'm so confused.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43..Fiona's conked out collector, Micky's chip shop chum,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45or David's bouquet buddy?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- Who do you want to rule out?- Micky!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49You want to rule Micky out.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51The Zappian that make... What, who, what?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53So you want to rule out Micky for no other reason
0:18:53 > 0:18:55than the name of the chip shop.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58The other thing is, I don't want to get pernickety,
0:18:58 > 0:19:01but unless Micky has some magical line to the producer who goes,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03"Who's on?" three weeks in advance...
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I found out who I was with, I think, today,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08like, I don't think you know that far.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09To be honest with you, Claudia,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11some people get booked well in advance.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14LAUGHTER
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Was it just me?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I think I think she went to university with David
0:19:21 > 0:19:23and he threw up on her carpet.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- STEVE:- Mitchell's not vomiting on people's carpets.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27He's a class act, he doesn't vomit on floors.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30The one thing you can say about vomit is that everyone's done it
0:19:30 > 0:19:31including the Queen.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33That is treason!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38You conjuring up the image in people's minds
0:19:38 > 0:19:42of Her Majesty hunched over the toilet bowl
0:19:42 > 0:19:45heaving and heaving and heaving? You disgust me.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- Would it not...? - Her crown falling in.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Picking it out, giving it a rinse.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- Right, so, Claudia, you're saying David. You're saying?- Micky.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03- Micky. We'll go with Micky. - OK, you're saying Micky.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04- Right, Micky.- OK.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Right. Laura, would you please reveal your true identity.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11My name is Laura,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14and David gave me flowers after he was sick on the carpet.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Yes.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Laura is David's bouquet buddy. Thank you, Laura.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Thank you very much.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Which brings us to our quick fire round, Quick Fire Lies,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31and we start with...
0:20:33 > 0:20:34It's Fiona.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40I have a recurring dream in which a monkey in silver hot pants
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- feeds me soup from a bowler hat.- Oh.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48- Lee's team.- Do you find primates attractive?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50It's that primates find me attractive.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Well, we've seen that with Micky earlier.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55LAUGHTER
0:20:55 > 0:20:57When was the first time you had this dream?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I've been having this dream since adolescence.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02OK, what kind of monkey is it?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I don't know exactly what type. It's a bit like a capuchin monkey,
0:21:05 > 0:21:06it's quite small.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Are they the ones with the frothy bit and the chocolate on the head?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13How does the dream affect you?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16When you wake from a night having had this dream,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18do you awake fulfilled, are you...
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Are you a better... That's not what I meant and you know that.
0:21:22 > 0:21:28Do you wake in a good frame of mind or are you troubled?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I am satisfied, I am sated, I am replete.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Where are you in the dream when the monkey's...feeding you, did you say?
0:21:34 > 0:21:35- What are you wearing? - I don't notice.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Yeah, what are you wearing? - I... No, that doesn't.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I never notice that, it doesn't form part of the dream.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Do you think there's any amorous connotations to this dream?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48You've got the little Kylie Minogue hot pants on,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50probably why you can't get it out of your head.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53APPLAUSE
0:21:56 > 0:21:58So what do you think? Could this be true?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I think it's so brilliant,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04but I think Fiona might just be a fantastic liar.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- She was very quick on her answers. I think it was.- True.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- I think it's true.- CLAUDIA: Let's go true.- We'll go with true.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13OK, Fiona Bruce, truth or lie?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15It is...
0:22:15 > 0:22:16a lie.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Oh. You did it so well.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22APPLAUSE
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Yes, lie. Fiona doesn't have a recurring dream
0:22:26 > 0:22:31where a monkey in silver hot pants feeds her soup from a bowler hat.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Next...
0:22:33 > 0:22:34it's Lee.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Oh, possession.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Right. There should be a box under your desk.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Would you first of all read the card out
0:22:43 > 0:22:46and then take the possession out and pop it on the desk.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50This is the set of keys I carry around with me every day.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I know what every single one is for,
0:22:53 > 0:22:54apart from one.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00LAUGHTER
0:23:00 > 0:23:01OK, pop the box back on the floor.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Just take us through the set of keys, Lee.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07In your own time, please don't feel you have to rush.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09It's not in his own time,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12it's all of our time, really, isn't it, but OK, carry on.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15So, now, I've got three keys that look very similar,
0:23:15 > 0:23:17so I have to put those little things on
0:23:17 > 0:23:19- to give you the different colours.- Yeah.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20And these colours help me a lot
0:23:20 > 0:23:23because that's for the blue door, that's for the green door
0:23:23 > 0:23:24and that's for the yellow door.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Now.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I'll never forget because the blue door is blue,
0:23:29 > 0:23:30the yellow door is yellow
0:23:30 > 0:23:34and the green one is my next door neighbour's, Shakin' Stevens, and...
0:23:34 > 0:23:37What lies behind those doors?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- That's my front door key. - And that's blue?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- Which genuinely is a blue door, my front door.- OK.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43The green one genuinely is my next door neighbour's key
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- but it isn't Shakin' Stevens. - FIONA: Yep.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I'm not an idiot. It's Howard Jones.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50And the yellow one... the yellow one is, um,
0:23:50 > 0:23:54the key for the door at the back of the house.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Now this, this one that's... the key for the front door
0:23:58 > 0:24:01that the...bottom lock, where, what do you call that?
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Bolt. Bolt.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Yes, I wish I could.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:07 > 0:24:12This... This unusual looking key, that's for the money chest.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14The money chest.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18That for a small tin, that we keep some money in.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21And some things that we don't want the kids to see.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Why don't you want the kids to see money
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- and what else don't you want the kids to see?- There's other things in it.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- I don't mind the money, it's the other things...- Like what?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31The remains.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34OK, that's where you keep your money
0:24:34 > 0:24:36and the remains of those who you've killed.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Yes.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Then you've got PBU, that's that one there.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42What does PBU stand for?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- PBU on the key ring?- Yes.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47It's the place...for bins,
0:24:47 > 0:24:48you.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51LAUGHTER
0:24:51 > 0:24:53And, er, and it, it's a little, um...
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Just like that!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- My... I... What happened... - He couldn't have made that up!
0:24:58 > 0:24:59It's true.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01We've got one of those outside little shed things
0:25:01 > 0:25:04you're supposed to put the bins in to make it look tidy
0:25:04 > 0:25:08and my wife constantly comes out and says, "There's a place for the bins, you!"
0:25:08 > 0:25:11And to help me remember that's the key, I put PBU on the thing.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13So you give yourself the job of remembering
0:25:13 > 0:25:17the night before the bin men are coming, to go out, unlock these bins,
0:25:17 > 0:25:21every time you go to put some rubbish away, you unlock the bin.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22- No.- This is, none of this...
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Because the shed that the bins are kept in doesn't have the lock.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29The gate leading to the shed to put the bins in has the lock.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31What is going in these bins?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33My wife basically thinks more of the bins than me.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Then we've got this little baby here.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Whoa ho, this tells a story. This one is for the safe.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43- Ah.- But the safe...- Aha.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46..bizarrely, it was already in the house
0:25:46 > 0:25:48and it's behind a picture, how exciting.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51The key has never fitted. We never know what's in the safe.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Now, what is the picture in front of the safe?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- The picture in front of the safe? - Yeah.- Oh, that picture.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59The you know the safe that doesn't exist?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01There's a picture that doesn't exist in front of it.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- This is the thing... - What's it of?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06It's a painting of your bins that you had done.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07This is the bit...
0:26:07 > 0:26:09The bins that must never be taken from the house.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12This is the bit you're going to find crazy.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15It's a picture of the safe.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I know, I know, it's crazy.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20It's absolutely crazy.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23And this, David, is the key to your heart.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26It's not, that is to the side passage.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34And it's quite annoying to get through the side passage
0:26:34 > 0:26:39because I have to open the gated community for the bins
0:26:39 > 0:26:41and that takes me through to the side passage which I open
0:26:41 > 0:26:43and that's all the keys apart from this one,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46do you know what that one's for, Fiona?
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Nobody knows.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49And how did you get that key?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51That key was given to...
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Right, this is the bit that's not funny and I don't want any jokes.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57My great grandfather fought in the First World War
0:26:57 > 0:27:00and he had a key round his neck,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02and we don't know what the key was for.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05But it was passed on, he gave it to his father, his father gave it to his father....
0:27:05 > 0:27:08He gave it to his father? So he passed it on backwards in time?
0:27:08 > 0:27:09No, sorry, no.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16All I will say is, just in summary, I'm not pitching it to you
0:27:16 > 0:27:18because it is true, but if you don't believe it, quite simply,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21the story is simple, what is there not to believe?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24I come home, I make sure the side gated community to the bins are unlocked
0:27:24 > 0:27:26so I can get the bins out, leave them on a Tuesday,
0:27:26 > 0:27:30and let them open the side passage, get in, lock the side passage,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32come through to the house, open the safe by moving the picture,
0:27:32 > 0:27:37I can't open the safe, I always forget, I close the safe, I get the tin, open it up,
0:27:37 > 0:27:40move the eyeballs, get the money out, close the tin, open the thing,
0:27:40 > 0:27:44back inside, straight to the front door, which is blue, go out,
0:27:44 > 0:27:48feed Howard Jones' cat next door, who I accidently said was Shakin' Stevens.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50What part of that are you telling me is not true?
0:27:50 > 0:27:54APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:58So what are you going to say, David? What does your team think?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00I think we're going to say it's a lie.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Saying it's a lie. Lee.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09It was a lie.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12APPLAUSE
0:28:13 > 0:28:17- BUZZER - And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show,
0:28:17 > 0:28:21and I can reveal that David's team have won by 3 points to 2.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23APPLAUSE
0:28:25 > 0:28:28But it's not just a team game,
0:28:28 > 0:28:32and my individual liar of the week this week is Steve Jones.
0:28:32 > 0:28:33Thank you.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Yes, who'd have thought it?
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Wales' best-looking man
0:28:40 > 0:28:43telling Steve Jones that he's the liar of the week, good night.