0:00:13 > 0:00:16APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Good evening, and welcome to "Would I Lie To You?" -
0:00:25 > 0:00:29the show with fabulous fibs and terrifying truths.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32On David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedian who says
0:00:32 > 0:00:36he looks like a cross between Miss Piggy and Boris Johnson,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38so part puppet with the face of a pig,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41and part Miss Piggy, it's Rob Beckett.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:44 > 0:00:48And a presenter of Newsnight, who attended an all-girls school
0:00:48 > 0:00:52that she describes as being a bit like St Trinian's.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I say forget the quiz, let's talk about that. It's Kirsty Wark.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:59 > 0:01:00And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:01:00 > 0:01:04a dancer who's been in the business for 40 years -
0:01:04 > 0:01:07quite an achievement, considering he says he's 37, Bruno Tonioli.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:12 > 0:01:17And an avant-garde comedian and broadcaster who redefines "cool".
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Cool now means having a beard and living in Norwich.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23It's Adam Buxton.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:26 > 0:01:29And so we begin with Round 1. It's Home Truths,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32where our panellists each read out a statement from the card
0:01:32 > 0:01:35in front of them. Now, to make things harder, they've never seen
0:01:35 > 0:01:38the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41And it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Bruno Tonioli, you're first up tonight.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I once caused a fire in a hotel
0:01:48 > 0:01:51while making pasta sauce for Bananarama.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55David's team. Bananarama, I should say, David, are a popular pop group
0:01:55 > 0:01:59from the 1980s - all-girl, three-piece band.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Yeah. I should point out, girls are...
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I mean, the key question here, Bruno, is
0:02:08 > 0:02:11why were you making pasta sauce in a hotel for Bananarama?
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Because I'm Italian and, you know, people like my pasta.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Who was your favourite member of Bananarama?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Ah, oh, they're all my favourite, they're all friends.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Perfect answer. If he's lying, he's good.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29One of them is married to Andrew Ridgeley.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- KIRSTY:- What, really? - Wasn't one of them married
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- to the Eurythmics bloke? - Yes, yes.- Dave Stewart, yes.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- That's Annie Lennox. - Annie Lennox wasn't in Bananarama.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41It's so difficult working with such music experts(!)
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Anyway, back to the story. When was this? When was it?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Er, it was in the '80s.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50The 1980s.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Wait a minute, you were just... Were you very young in the '80s?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I was extremely young, I was practically a foetus.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02And why were you with Bananarama?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06I was, er, I was shooting a video, I was shooting a video.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Were you dancing?- You were directing it, were you?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Choreographing a video.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- You were choreographing a Bananarama video?- Yeah.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16I have to say, having seen Bananarama videos,
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I don't think there's an overreliance on choreography.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- IN ITALIAN ACCENT:- You-a point-a your hand like this,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24you go-a like that, you go up in the air,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27you come-a down. You go to that side.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28It's-a wonderful, I love it.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Now, where is the kitchen and my sauce-a-pan...?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40So anyway, I was working with a lot of pop groups at the time.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Bananarama was one of my clients
0:03:42 > 0:03:45and I was in Los Angeles, shooting a video,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47and after we finished filming
0:03:47 > 0:03:51I went to the hotel, they asked me to cook a pasta for them.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Is cooking dinner at the end of the day
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- part of the choreographer's job description?- Um...
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Because some hotels, I believe, at the very top end,
0:04:00 > 0:04:04will actually provide a food-making service for you.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07And, in fact, I've heard it's even frowned upon
0:04:07 > 0:04:10if you attempt to cook your own meal on the premises.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Ah, but there are some hotels,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15rock'n'roll hotels, which actually have villas,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18so you don't go through the...where everybody goes through.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21So how did the fire...? You say there was a conflagration?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Well, what happened is that I kind of started, er,
0:04:25 > 0:04:29this tomato sauce and I said, er, to Sara,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32"I need to get some extra ingredients,
0:04:32 > 0:04:34"so you just watch the onions.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"Make sure that once they become golden, you remove
0:04:37 > 0:04:39"the pan from the stove.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"And wait for me to come back to finish."
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Very clear instructions. - Very clear, it's very simple.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47An idiot could follow those instructions.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50After a day of trying to choreograph Bananarama,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52you knew they couldn't follow any instructions.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58So, anyway, so I come back and there is, like, fire engines,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01smoke everywhere. "What the hell is going on here?"
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Basically, she washed her hair, and the kitchen was on fire,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07everything was black. I mean, the whole thing was a terrible disaster.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Was Bananarama all right?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Who cares? My pasta was ruined.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Did the fire brigade come?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17- Yes.- Was that nice?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19"Was it nice?" did you say, Rob?
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Was it nice?!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- IN WELSH ACCENT:- How was the fire engine - was it nice?
0:05:23 > 0:05:27They are nice, because in America they're always very nice.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29They're, "How are you doing, sir?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32"Is this your villa? Is it burnt down to the ground?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34"Well done, good job, good job!"
0:05:34 > 0:05:38You know they're, they're lovely, I love it. Good job!
0:05:38 > 0:05:43They're so nice. Everything in America is lovely. "Good job!"
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Good job.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49David, what are you thinking?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- What do you think? - I think it's a lie.- Really?- Yeah.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I think he's telling the truth cos it's so ridiculous.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58I think we're going to say true. I think it's true.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02OK. Bruno Tonioli was it true or was it a lie?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04It was the truth.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Ah, wow.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Yes, it's true, Bruno DID cause a fire in a hotel
0:06:12 > 0:06:15when making pasta sauce for Bananarama.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Adam, you're next.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22If my wife and I are having a row, to help us think more rationally,
0:06:22 > 0:06:27we go into separate rooms and continue the argument over Skype.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29LAUGHTER
0:06:31 > 0:06:32APPLAUSE
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I should say, before we kick off here,
0:06:38 > 0:06:42if anybody in Wales is watching, Skype is, um...
0:06:42 > 0:06:46It's a sort of telephone call with pictures. David.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Adam, where did this idea come from?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Er, well, it first started
0:06:51 > 0:06:54when we were not in the same physical space,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57like, we weren't in the same house, we were, er...
0:06:57 > 0:06:58On Skype already.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01We were on Skype, we were in different countries
0:07:01 > 0:07:04and we were having quite a difficult conversation
0:07:04 > 0:07:07that I was anticipating was going to get out of hand, and I was
0:07:07 > 0:07:11surprised by the fact that Skype enabled us to stay relatively calm.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- What was the difficult situation? - KIRSTY: I was going to ask that.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Did it go along the lines of,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18"What's that person doing in the background?"
0:07:21 > 0:07:24What was the last row you had that required Skype's intervention?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Er, well, I mean, this is kind of personal.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30You brought it up, mate.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I mean...
0:07:32 > 0:07:36It was sparked off by, er, drawers being left open.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- THEY GASP - I mean, I was very irritated
0:07:38 > 0:07:42because it was something that I'd pointed out a number of times.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- And I was disappointed to see that, er...- Disappointed!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- The conversation...- Classic!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Oh, yeah, "I'm not angry, I'm disappointed."- Disappointed.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55I was VERY disappointed to see that the tip
0:07:55 > 0:07:58that I had given about keeping the drawers closed,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01especially the ones at a low level, so I don't bark my shins -
0:08:01 > 0:08:03is that really unreasonable?
0:08:03 > 0:08:08I was disappointed to see that that chat hadn't been actioned.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Ah, oh.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16How do you go from arguing...? Which one of you will then say,
0:08:16 > 0:08:21"OK, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, timeout, um, let, let's, let's..."?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I mean, that's enough to start a divorce.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29If someone goes, "OK, timeout." "Right, that's it!"
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I do that with my wife when we have an argument,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I go, "Make us a cup of tea."
0:08:33 > 0:08:37That doesn't help. Just...just a tip for you.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39How do you...? Who makes that decision?
0:08:39 > 0:08:40How does it move onto the Skype stage?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Yeah, I'm the one who makes the decision
0:08:42 > 0:08:45because originally I thought that it would be
0:08:45 > 0:08:47a sort of funny way of defusing some tension.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52Is this a system you could see yourself implementing, David?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- No.- You and Mrs Mitchell, perhaps,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57if tempers are ever - heaven forbid - raised.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Well, I think it wouldn't work for us
0:08:59 > 0:09:04because I think we find computers more annoying than each other.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:09 > 0:09:12So, David, what are you thinking? Has Adam been telling the truth?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Um, what do you think, Kirsty?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Um, I think it's really, really possible.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19What do you think?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21He does like computers, don't he? Look at him.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I've got one last question.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Come on, then.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32The first time, you know, you had the row in real life,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34when you had in the back of your mind that maybe
0:09:34 > 0:09:38if you could get onto Skype, the row would be defused,
0:09:38 > 0:09:42was that not, to your wife, and incredibly annoying suggestion?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Ah, yeah, it was, yeah.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48I would have thought that the de-escalating effects of Skype
0:09:48 > 0:09:51would be overwhelmed by the escalating effect
0:09:51 > 0:09:53of suggesting Skype.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- It's heavy-going, isn't it? - It is heavy-going.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- It's very heavy-going, that one. - Eight years, eight years of this.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Get to the point!
0:10:01 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:06"Get to the point" is not an exhortation
0:10:06 > 0:10:09you can fairly make during a parlour game.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10I don't care.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13There IS no point. This is a pointless exercise.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17We are whiling away our finite time before the grave.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28What are you going to say? Truth or lie?
0:10:28 > 0:10:29I think it's the truth.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32I think, and I think it's so weird, it's true.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35OK, my team says true. I'm certainly not sure either way
0:10:35 > 0:10:37so I couldn't overrule them.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38- So it's true. - We're saying it's true.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40You're saying true, right, OK. OK.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45Adam Buxton, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Er, Skype-conducted arguments, that is...
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- a lie.- Oh, brilliant!- Very good.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55I'm not insane!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Yes, it was a lie, all along.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Adam and his wife don't go into separate rooms to argue over Skype.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05OK, our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on
0:11:05 > 0:11:08a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10This week each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:11:10 > 0:11:13that has the genuine connection to the guest,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19So please welcome this week's special guest, Hayden.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22APPLAUSE
0:11:27 > 0:11:30So, Adam, what is Hayden to you?
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Er, this is Hayden, he is the human statue
0:11:34 > 0:11:36that I once had to give a massage to
0:11:36 > 0:11:39because he got cramp in his leg.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Bruno, perhaps you could explain how you know Hayden.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46This is Hayden.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49When I choreographed a dance routine
0:11:49 > 0:11:52for a troupe of JCB diggers,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55he drove digger number three.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00And finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Hayden?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02This is Hayden, he used to be
0:12:02 > 0:12:04the lead singer of Bananarama...
0:12:06 > 0:12:09..until a fire tragically burnt off his hair.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Actually that's not true.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Lee, what is your relationship with Hayden?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20This is Hayden, he once stopped a cow charging at me
0:12:20 > 0:12:21by throwing an app...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Oh, this one's true!
0:12:23 > 0:12:28Oh, hang on, let's listen cos this one's true!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Now you're starting to think the Bananarama one's true.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I will continue. This is...
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Lee, what is your relationship with Hayden?
0:12:37 > 0:12:42This is Hayden. He once stopped a cow charging at me,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44by throwing an apple pie in its face.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47LAUGHTER
0:12:47 > 0:12:49There we are, there we are.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Adam's stiff statue,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Bruno's dancing digger driver,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55or Lee's bovine basher.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57David's team, where would you like to begin?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Um, well, Adam, what was the situation
0:12:59 > 0:13:02in which you had to give a human statue a massage?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- Er... - Why was his cramp your problem?
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Well, we were in London, me and my family -
0:13:10 > 0:13:13my three young children and my beautiful wife -
0:13:13 > 0:13:17and we were on the South Bank, er, right next to the London Eye,
0:13:17 > 0:13:22and we saw Hayden there, he was dressed as a golden robot man.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26My daughter wanted to pose for a photograph with him,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28cos she thought he was adorable-looking,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30she loves gold, anything gold.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34And, um, in the middle of the photograph
0:13:34 > 0:13:38he sort of started making pained robot noises.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41How did you become certain enough
0:13:41 > 0:13:44that a massage of an intimate part of his body would be
0:13:44 > 0:13:46gratefully received?
0:13:46 > 0:13:50I just asked. I said, er, would you like me to rub your calf?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Funnily enough, that's interesting,
0:13:52 > 0:13:56because that's the exact phrase I used when the cow charged at me.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- Were there many people there? Cos quite often...- No, no.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07..a crowd gathers round someone like that.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09No, it was a rainy morning, a cold, rainy morning.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12When it was rainy, why was you walking round London
0:14:12 > 0:14:14with your family? It sounds stressful.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Sometimes - I don't know if this is true - you can leave the house
0:14:16 > 0:14:18and it's not raining and it starts raining.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- I'm only going by the rumours I've heard.- Yeah.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21But what I normally do is,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24go in a coffee shop, not wander round looking at robots in the rain.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Yeah, and what I would say to you, Rob, is, do you have children?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31It's not often a five-year-old says, "Caffe Nero, please.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35"This weather is intolerable."
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- Do you have children, Rob? - No children, no.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42So you live a life of unalloyed pleasure and hedonism,
0:14:42 > 0:14:46not having to think for one second about another living person.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49If you have children, it is not uncommon
0:14:49 > 0:14:52to trudge around the South Bank in the pouring rain
0:14:52 > 0:14:55with the drudgery of your life pressing down on you,
0:14:55 > 0:14:58and these voices coming at you from every damn side.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59You don't know you're born.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04And the fact that you're stood still looking at this loser...
0:15:07 > 0:15:12..is blessed relief from listening to them giving this all the time.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Right, David, right, who else would you like to quiz?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- Bruno. Um...- Yeah.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23There was a digger dance.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27A digger, er, it was a dance routine in which we had many,
0:15:27 > 0:15:28many, like, a group of diggers.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31And how many diggers, sort of 20?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I think it was, no, 12.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34And what was it for?
0:15:34 > 0:15:38It was for these fairs, you know, these kind of country fairs
0:15:38 > 0:15:42where they have all sort of products in relation to farming.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46And what was so special about Hayden's digger?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Well, I mean, they're all the same, the diggers,
0:15:49 > 0:15:50but he was number three.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Did he have to do a particularly difficult pirouette or something?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58They all had to do very, very difficult manoeuvres.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Can you imagine? They're huge, they're tonnes,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04and they have things moving up, down, so everything was to music.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05What was the music?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- It was a medley. - Oh, I love that.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I love medley, don't you? Of Andrew Lloyd Webber tunes.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Oh, I've gone off it.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Is it your favourite? Your favourite.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Right, Lee, um...- Yes.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22A cow was charging at you and then, Hayden...
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- KIRSTY:- Hayden had a pie. - ..saved you.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Luckily Hayden had the apple pie and threw it in its face.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- So why was he carrying an apple pie? - Good question.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Um, because, er, we were going to a wedding.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- Oh, you knew him. - Oh, I know Hayden, yeah.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- So you're on your way to a wedding. - With an apple pie.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Across a field. With an apple pie.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- We're in a car park.- Right.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44We're going to some sort of country wedding,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47there's lots of marquees and things and we've got to walk through
0:16:47 > 0:16:50a bit of land with lots of farmers' land round it, and there was a cow
0:16:50 > 0:16:55that started approaching, and he was carrying, bizarrely, an apple pie.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57So it was a bring-your-own food wedding.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00No, hey, just cos we're northerners, don't be like that.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Er, no, it was his children...are very picky eaters,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07and he knew that the children wouldn't eat
0:17:07 > 0:17:09any of the fancy food at the wedding,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12and so he didn't want the stress of the child not eating...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14But why did the cow charge you?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Cos cows are normally quite timid. Bulls charge.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18It started coming towards me
0:17:18 > 0:17:22and as a joke I started, sort of enticing it a little bit.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Showing it a nipple.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28And the cow went, "Call THAT a nipple?"
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Have a look at these.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34So you're with your family,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37you're not on your own, you're with your family.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I'm with my family, I'm with my wife and three children.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45And I, like Rob, was weeping, going, "Why can't I be on my own for once?"
0:17:45 > 0:17:48You're walking across the field, the cow has noticed you.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51The cow, well, I wouldn't say "noticed me" - it didn't go...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- Lee Mack!- That's Lee Mack!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58To be fair on me, Lee, I did say "noticed", not "recognised".
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- The cow sort of looked up, right? - Yeah.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03- And...- Noticed you?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Was it Friesian, Belted Galloway?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I don't know what the temperature was like. And, er...
0:18:08 > 0:18:12The cow, the cow it was actually one of those ones
0:18:12 > 0:18:14that looked like Mick Hucknall.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Oh, the ginger ones. - A Highland cow!
0:18:16 > 0:18:17- Ginger one.- Ginger cow.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19You know the ones that
0:18:19 > 0:18:21look like Mick Hucknall wearing a Viking's helmet?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Yeah.- One of them.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- What, a Highland one of those? - A Highland cow.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27In Cumbria, where were you?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Believe it or not, it was actually on the Isle of Mull.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33OK. Now we're getting somewhere.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35We're on the Isle of Mull now, aren't we?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37You were dressed in a kilt?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39No, because I've got some self-respect.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43And so the cow noticed you, starts coming over...
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I don't think the cow was charging us
0:18:45 > 0:18:47in the sense of it's gonna kill us,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49but it was walking very fast towards us.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54I foolishly had picked up a load of grass and was sort of doing that.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- You waved the grass as a joke. - I got the grass, it started getting
0:18:56 > 0:18:59a little bit out of hand because it started getting aggressive,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02and then we sort of walked away a bit and then it walked very fast
0:19:02 > 0:19:05towards us. He went like that and sort of threw it in the cow's face,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07and the cow got a bit of a shock.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11How far away from the cow was, er, was Hayden
0:19:11 > 0:19:13when he launched the pie?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- I would say...- Did he actually press it into the cow with his hands?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19No, no. I think you're mixing up this incident
0:19:19 > 0:19:22and something that happened with the Chuckle Brothers. He didn't go...
0:19:22 > 0:19:25and it didn't drip down slowly and the cow went...
0:19:28 > 0:19:31So how far away were you when you...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33was he when he threw the pie?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36It was all in a bit of a panic, but I would guess at somewhere
0:19:36 > 0:19:39in the region of, sort of how far now I am from Hayden.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40So it was one of those sort of...
0:19:40 > 0:19:44So did it get in the horns and all down through its hair?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47To be honest, we were sort of facing the other way going at speed.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50So...I didn't say, "Kids, come back, see how it's landed."
0:19:52 > 0:19:57So, David's team, is Hayden Adam's stiff statue,
0:19:57 > 0:20:02Bruno's dancing digger driver, or Lee's bovine basher?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04What do you think?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I'm just not sure about the idea that he looks
0:20:06 > 0:20:10the kind of guy that is a golden robot.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Look at his golden robot head.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16No. I don't... I don't think he's a robot.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18It doesn't show Lee in a good light because
0:20:18 > 0:20:22he's acted incredibly stupidly and then couldn't repair his own damage.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Yeah, absolutely. He's lured...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26He's literally put his children in danger.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- No, whoa, whoa, hang on. - You put your children in danger.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I'm not having another one taken into care. I didn't...
0:20:32 > 0:20:36I did not. I simply said, "Look at the orange beast,"
0:20:36 > 0:20:37and waved a bit of...
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I remember last series, where you brought in a video of you
0:20:42 > 0:20:43making one of your children cry.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Yes, I remember that. Yes.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47I think Bruno's... I think he looks like a guy
0:20:47 > 0:20:50who probably would be very precise with a digger.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52I'm siding on digger over robot, definitely,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54and don't know about the cow pie.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Yeah, I think we're leaning towards Bruno's story being true.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- You're all thinking it's the digger. - Yeah.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03OK. Hayden, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05My name's Hayden.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08I was digger number three in Bruno's dance routine.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Yes, Hayden is Bruno's dancing digger driver.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Thank you very much, Hayden.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Which brings us to our final round Quick-fire Lies,
0:21:25 > 0:21:26and we start with...
0:21:29 > 0:21:30It is David.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35As a child I was scared of the sun.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40What-what age?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Um, I think this would probably be
0:21:43 > 0:21:47when I was four, five, six, seven,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49that sort of age.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52When I was 4,567.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55I, you know, I was still in my infancy as a god.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59What was it about the sun that you found frightening?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- Er, it was, er, looking at it. - Oh, yeah.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Did you just go out at night or something -
0:22:04 > 0:22:06you never went out during the day?
0:22:06 > 0:22:10No, I did go out during the day but I would, er, sort of obsessively
0:22:10 > 0:22:12keep my eyes towards the ground.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16The problem was that someone said, someone used the phrase,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19"If you look at the sun, you will go blind."
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Funnily enough exactly the same advice for me as well,
0:22:22 > 0:22:24but it was Page 3 of The Sun.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28So you would still go out but you'd avoid in any way glancing at it.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Yeah, and then occasionally you sort of turn your head
0:22:32 > 0:22:34and the sun goes through your vision
0:22:34 > 0:22:37and it can create that slight...
0:22:37 > 0:22:39you know, when you blink, you can still see it.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- And you thought that was burning your retina.- And I thought,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45"What's that? Is that the beginning of great eternal darkness?"
0:22:45 > 0:22:48You really had a happy childhood, didn't you, David?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51We were all playing on our Raleigh Grifters
0:22:51 > 0:22:53and you were thinking about the eternal darkness.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Did anything else scare you as a child?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Oh, yes, yes, most things.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59What else scared you?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Well, the trouble is that some children are timorous
0:23:02 > 0:23:03and some children are reckless.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Yeah, and Sagittarius.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07And in order...
0:23:07 > 0:23:10In order to save the lives of reckless children,
0:23:10 > 0:23:14warnings are calibrated for their safety,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17the result of which is that the timorous
0:23:17 > 0:23:19live in a state of perpetual terror.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23What I needed to be told is,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26"Do you know what? Most days you won't die. It's fine," you know?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28You know...
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I wasn't ever going to tear across a three-lane motorway.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35You know, the very existence of a three-lane motorway
0:23:35 > 0:23:38in the same postcode as me made me not want to leave the house.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41And, um, presumably you would wait for about three weeks
0:23:41 > 0:23:44before swimming after a meal.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Oh, absolutely.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Yeah, yeah!
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Not only that, and having an ice cream in the afternoon
0:23:50 > 0:23:54then thinking, "I should probably not swim for the rest of the holiday."
0:23:55 > 0:23:57And then someone says, when I was an adult,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00"You don't have to wait at all - it's all a myth.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02"You can swim AND eat."
0:24:02 > 0:24:05While looking into the sun.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09- So what are we thinking?- Adam?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- I'm thinking true, true fact. - BRUNO: I'm going truth.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- You're saying it's the truth. - Yeah.- We'll say it's true.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18You're going to say that it's true. OK, David, truth or lie?
0:24:18 > 0:24:19It is...
0:24:19 > 0:24:21true.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23It's a heart-warming story.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Yes, it's true. As a child, David was scared of the sun.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Next.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33It's Kirsty.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Jeremy Paxman didn't talk to me for a week
0:24:35 > 0:24:38after he caught me drinking from his Snoopy mug.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Lee.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I'm sorry, I'm very ignorant, what's a Snoopy cup?
0:24:45 > 0:24:46You know who Snoopy is?
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Snoopy is a rapper and...
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- No, he's a cartoon character, a comic strip.- Snoopy the dog.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- Snoopy the dog.- Snoopy the dog. - Charlie Brown.- Charlie Brown.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Jeremy Paxman has a Snoopy mug?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Mug. Cup mug thing.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03And how did he come about finding out you'd had...?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Was there lipstick on the coffee cup?
0:25:05 > 0:25:06No, he caught me.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- He actually caught you, you were lips on cup?- Yeah.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14What did he say? So picture the scene, right. I'm Jeremy Paxman.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16No, no, you have to play him, otherwise...
0:25:16 > 0:25:19I wouldn't be able to say it because I wasn't there.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20I'll be you, right?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24- IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:- News, news, news, news. News.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25- That's you rehearsing.- That's me?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- News, news, news.- News, news, news.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30All right, I need a little break.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I need to go and see, news, news.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34News, news. Paxman! Paxman's in.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Isle, Isle of Isle of Mull, Highland cow.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Hang on, you're both doing you now.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- Don't do you.- He's doing you. - I'm doing you.- Right.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- He's doing you.- Are you?!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- No. Let's be very clear. - I'm at my desk.
0:25:47 > 0:25:52- Lee is doing you.- I'm you.- You are doing Jeremy Paxman.- Jeremy Paxman.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55You're at the desk.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I'm rehearsing. So I'm saying, "News, news, news, news, news.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01"I want to go independent but I'm not allowed to say it publically."
0:26:01 > 0:26:04And then I get...I get my lips... I get my lips on the cup.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06"Or I might not want to go independent,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- but I'm not going to say. I get my cup.- No, no, no. Stop!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- I get my cup.- I'm left-handed.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13LAUGHTER
0:26:13 > 0:26:15APPLAUSE
0:26:19 > 0:26:22So there you are, you're doing the drinky thing,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25and it's got to your lips, the cup, like that. Paxman!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27What does Paxman say?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30"Kirsty, you're not drinking out my Snoopy mug."
0:26:30 > 0:26:33So he said, he said, "You're not drinking out my Snoopy mug."
0:26:33 > 0:26:35What's he doing this for?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38"He said, 'You're not drinking out of my Snoopy mug, are you?'"
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- And you're me.- Oh, yeah, sorry. - You're me anyway.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- I'm you, sorry. - I had it in my left hand.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- Are you doing Paxman now?- No.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Why is he talking like...? I don't understand why.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Because the microphone's broke, he's a long way away, it's a big room.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- He's a long way away. - "Are you drinking out of my cup?"
0:26:54 > 0:26:55It's a small room.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58So, you've got the cup and Paxman walks in and then YOU say...
0:26:58 > 0:27:01I can't do you because I wasn't there, you have to now be you.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03So you said... I'm now Paxman.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06"Oh, Kirsty are you drinking from my Snoop whatever?" And you said...
0:27:06 > 0:27:10"It's only a mug. What does it matter?"
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- And he said.- "It's MY mug."
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- And you said.- "OK, have your mug."
0:27:15 > 0:27:16And he said.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17"Wash it first."
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Oh, I've been through that conversation with a woman before.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25So, er... OK.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- But then he didn't talk to you for a week?- A week's a long time.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31What is it about Paxman that he wouldn't talk to you for a week?
0:27:31 > 0:27:35- Who said that?- That was in your... - You did when you read it out.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37- You said that at the beginning! - Did I?!- You did!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I think we're at the nub of it.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41"Who said that?!" Oh, now, who was it that said that?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Was it you who said that?
0:27:43 > 0:27:44Somebody said it.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I suspect you're edging towards her telling a lie.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49I think it's a lie.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50I think it's a lie.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Do you know what? I believed her until the "week" mistake.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Until the unravelling.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56So you say it's a lie.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Kirsty, was it truth or was it a lie?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Tr...lie.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09- BUZZER - Oh, and that sound signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13I can reveal that Lee's team have won by three points to two.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:19But it's not just a team game, of course,
0:28:19 > 0:28:22and my individual liar of the week this week
0:28:22 > 0:28:24is Adam Buxton.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Yes, Adam's got more flannel
0:28:27 > 0:28:31than the John Lewis bed and bath department. Good night.