0:00:23 > 0:00:26Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,
0:00:26 > 0:00:29the show with a fondness for fabulous fibs.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30On David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:30 > 0:00:34a chef who likes to experiment with food, as do I.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Sometimes I put the beans under the toast. It's Heston Blumenthal.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39APPLAUSE
0:00:39 > 0:00:43And a comedian who's so posh,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46he employs a chauffeur to deliver his punch lines.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47It's Miles Jupp.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:55And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a member of the Fox acting dynasty.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Her cousin is Laurence Fox, her uncle is James Fox
0:00:58 > 0:01:01and her second cousin is Basil Brush.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02It's Emilia Fox.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:07And a man who's gone from a long-haired layabout
0:01:07 > 0:01:09dreaming of becoming a comedian
0:01:09 > 0:01:12to a long haired layabout who actually is a comedian.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Ed Byrne.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:19And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21where our panellists each read out a statement
0:01:21 > 0:01:22from the card in front of them.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Now to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28They've got no idea what they'll be faced with
0:01:28 > 0:01:31and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Miles, you're first up tonight.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36After a visit to a school fete,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39I had to tell my neighbour their cat had been run over
0:01:39 > 0:01:43while my own face was painted like a kitten.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45LAUGHTER
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Lee's team.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Oh, please be true, please, please.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52You were at the school fete as what,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55as a dad or were you working on the stall
0:01:55 > 0:01:57doing the face painting or anything or were you just visiting?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I... There was a sort of shift so I did help with one of the stalls
0:02:00 > 0:02:02but I was also there just as a parent.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04What was the stall you were helping on?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Bric-a-brac.- Bric-a-brac? - Bric-a-brac.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08How did you find out the cat had been killed?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Because it was killed regrettably close to our house.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- What kind of cat was it? - A tabby cat.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15And how was it killed, sorry?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Unfortunately it was a truck that shouldn't have been...
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Not just normal sized lorry, a very, very long lorry,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23that should not really have thought
0:02:23 > 0:02:24that it could drive around those streets
0:02:24 > 0:02:26but was attempting to and it flattened, um...
0:02:26 > 0:02:28So you actually saw the lorry flatten the cat
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- and then you had to go and tell the neighbour.- Yeah.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- ED:- I feel like this is the truth except for the part about the truck
0:02:34 > 0:02:37and that actually you killed this cat.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39What was the cat called?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41She was called...
0:02:41 > 0:02:43She was called Jenny.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- LAUGHTER - Jenny the cat?- Jenny?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48What was the owner called, Tiddles?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50LAUGHTER
0:02:50 > 0:02:52In a horrible name mix up,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55they started calling each other by the wrong names.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57If you want to find fault with someone's cat naming logic,
0:02:57 > 0:02:59you've got to have a go at my neighbours.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- Well, they're grieving. Let's leave them out of it.- Yeah.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- After you killed their cat. - I didn't.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05You say you didn't kill it.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07You might have been partly responsible.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09You were dressed as a cat when it happened.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- It might have been the driver of the truck....- Not dressed as a cat, I was just...
0:03:12 > 0:03:16..has looked over and gone, "The size of that cat..."
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Meanwhile, the little cat crossing the road has gone,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21"Is that you, Mummy?"
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Those two incidents combined...
0:03:22 > 0:03:26you've killed little Jennifer, to give her her full name.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Either that or it was a hit aimed for you
0:03:28 > 0:03:29and the description given was,
0:03:29 > 0:03:33"Looks a bit like a cat." LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Did you pick the cat up and take it to the neighbours
0:03:36 > 0:03:40or did you just point to the cat and say, that's where your cat is?
0:03:40 > 0:03:41I didn't, I didn't pick it up.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43What happened when they answered the door?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Talk us through that conversation. Must have been very awkward.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Had you still not remembered that your face was painted like a cat?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52No, I didn't until after. I went home and went, "Oh, I've just had to tell so and so..."
0:03:52 > 0:03:55So they've opened the door. Can you remember the conversation?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Well, it was very awkward. I've never had to do that before so I said...
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Meow.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:05They said "Hello" in a sort of cheery,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08"Oh, maybe he's come round for some sort of jolly reason."
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Wonder what gave them that impression?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12And I said, "I'm really sorry,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16"but I'm afraid that I've just seen Jenny get run over."
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- And they said...?- What?
0:04:18 > 0:04:19What did they say then?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Oh, sorry, you're acting.- They said, "What?"- I thought you were asking.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26- I genuinely thought you didn't understand but you were in character, sorry.- Yeah.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31If we get to a point where you're asking questions I don't understand, something has happened.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:34 > 0:04:37The regulars like that one.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39And they said, "Thank you very much for telling us."
0:04:39 > 0:04:42And then I went back into my house, cos I live next door and...
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Did you go through the front door or back?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46LAUGHTER
0:04:46 > 0:04:49When you realised you had your make-up on still, at home...
0:04:49 > 0:04:51It's my wife pointed it out to me.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I came home and I said, "Oh, this dreadful thing's happened."
0:04:53 > 0:04:56And my wife said, "You know that you've got your face painted like a kitten?"
0:04:56 > 0:04:59and I said, "Oh, no!"
0:04:59 > 0:05:00LAUGHTER
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Did you and your wife look at each other in shock
0:05:03 > 0:05:07and just feel terrible or did you both instantly start laughing?
0:05:07 > 0:05:08She laughed immediately.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10But she's an awful woman, though.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12LAUGHTER
0:05:12 > 0:05:16No, you're not. You're not. Ignore the Irish man.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18You're the best female truck driver in the world.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:23MILES COUGHS
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Are you all right, Miles? You know what that is? Fur balls.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:31So what are you thinking, Lee?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Does this have the ring of truth for you?
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Emilia, what do we think?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- I think it's a total lie. - Do you?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- Not even an ounce of truth in it. - Not for me.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41It's going round to the neighbours
0:05:41 > 0:05:44and you haven't really actually told us anything about the neighbours.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47You haven't talked about who it was who answered the door
0:05:47 > 0:05:48and how you then got to talk to them.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- All right, well, Paul answered the door.- Paul?- Paul.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- And Paul is married to...? - Paul is not married.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Oh, but you did say "them", you told THEM that their cat had died.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Yeah, there are a number of ways in which people cohabit.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- I don't believe it. - You don't believe it?
0:06:04 > 0:06:05You don't believe it.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- Are we going to say lie? - We say it's a lie.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08OK, Miles, truth or lie?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Oh, ye of little...
0:06:12 > 0:06:13It's a lie.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15APPLAUSE
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Yes, it's a lie
0:06:18 > 0:06:20and Miles didn't have to tell his neighbour
0:06:20 > 0:06:24their cat had been run over while his face was painted like a kitten.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Ed Byrne, it's your turn.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I once found a steak pie down my trousers.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- David's team. - No further questions.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Was it hot or cold?
0:06:38 > 0:06:42By the time I found it, it was body temperature, you know, really.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45From which direction had it reached body temperature?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48From piping hot downwards or from cold upwards.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49I think it was, I think
0:06:49 > 0:06:51it had gone from room temperature to my body temperature.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I was actually sitting on the Tube
0:06:54 > 0:06:58and I realised that there was a steak pie
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- in my trousers. - Which line were you on?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Actually, you know, it wasn't the London Tube,
0:07:02 > 0:07:05it was the Glasgow underground actually, more specifically.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07So you're sitting there,
0:07:07 > 0:07:08what time of day is it?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11It's... It was morning, I was on my way home
0:07:11 > 0:07:14and I felt uncomfortable and I put my hand down the back.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17So early morning, you're on your way home from some sort of party or...?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I was a student and I think that answers all other questions.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Were you drunk?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I was not drunk at the time. Just cos I was in Glasgow?! No, um...
0:07:25 > 0:07:29No, because you're Irish! LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:30That takes the curse off it, right?
0:07:34 > 0:07:38I surmised what had happened was I had fallen asleep at a...
0:07:38 > 0:07:42In someone else's living room and somebody thought it would be funny
0:07:42 > 0:07:47to put a steak pie, not just in my trousers, actually in my pants.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- It was in your pants?- Yes.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Was it at the front, back or side?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I would say what has happened is I've fallen asleep face down
0:07:55 > 0:07:57and it has been shoved down the back.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58It was down the back.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Well, I tell you, whoever it was made an effort. They pushed.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- It had become... - It was down in the gusset.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08In fairness, I don't think they were really my friends.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12I sort of inveigled my way back into somebody's house,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14without really having been invited.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16There was a group of people going back
0:08:16 > 0:08:19and I think I wasn't entirely a welcome addition to the evening.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21So you wake up in the flat.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23You've been asleep face down
0:08:23 > 0:08:25so you've not yet felt the effects of the pie.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- That's right.- You stand up.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Yes, still not aware of it.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- You don't feel that there's something extra?- No.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34You're talking about a man
0:08:34 > 0:08:36who's already carrying quite a lot of weight down there.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42OK, so it's only added maybe 2, 3% to the general wealth of matter.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Yes.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46And then you walk,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49presumably from this flat to this underground station.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51You don't notice on that walk
0:08:51 > 0:08:55that there's something not part of you...
0:08:55 > 0:08:59For all I know, I might have been shedding pie crust
0:08:59 > 0:09:02like something from The Great Escape.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Wasn't it smelling? Were you not walking along constantly going,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- "There's a Greggs everywhere around here." - LAUGHTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:13So then you get on the train. What point do you notice the pie?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15You know, it's only a five minute,
0:09:15 > 0:09:19eight minute journey then to my stop, so at some point there
0:09:19 > 0:09:21while sit... It was only when I was sitting down.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24At some point? Not the moment you sat down on a pie?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26No, it definitely...
0:09:26 > 0:09:28That wasn't the time, it just... You gradually became aware.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- Yeah, yeah, I was like... - I don't believe that.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I mean, you've got a pie in your pants.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37David, even if you don't believe it, you don't need to be angry about it.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39LAUGHTER
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- We're all, we're all... - I'm trying to break him.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46What sort of pants were you wearing?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49If that's not too sexy a question.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50I don't want to sound like I...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I'm making things up but I don't remember exactly what.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56You don't remember what pants you found a pie in?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00That's not a mental image that stayed with you?
0:10:00 > 0:10:04- The type of pants from which the pie emerged.- No, because...
0:10:04 > 0:10:05I would remember that.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08They didn't emerge, I was sitting on the Gla... On the underground
0:10:08 > 0:10:11and I went... And I just sort of, I put my hand down and...
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Oh, can you imagine the face of the person opposite?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16LAUGHTER
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- Especially...- Especially when I started eating it, yeah.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25So what are you going to say, David? Which way?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Well, I think it's full of plausible detail
0:10:27 > 0:10:29such as they didn't want you at the party.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:37So we think it's true that he did have a pie in his pants.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40OK, Ed, was it the truth or were you telling us a lie?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42To my eternal shame, it is true.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45LAUGHTER
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Yes, I'm afraid that was true.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Ed did once find a steak pie down his trousers.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:10:56 > 0:10:58who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Now this week, each of David's team will claim it's them
0:11:01 > 0:11:03that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:11:03 > 0:11:06and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09So please welcome this week's special guest, Rodney.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11APPLAUSE
0:11:16 > 0:11:19So, Miles, what is Rodney to you?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23This is Rodney. I was so excited to see him driving my old car
0:11:23 > 0:11:26that I gave him a cheery honk and he drove into a hedge.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28LAUGHTER
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Heston, what is Rodney to you?
0:11:30 > 0:11:31This is Rodney.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35He helped me break the world record
0:11:35 > 0:11:38for the most sit ups in two minutes.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41And finally, David, your relationship with Rodney.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44This is Rodney and he had to retrieve my shoe
0:11:44 > 0:11:46when a drunk man
0:11:46 > 0:11:49threw it at the skittles in a bowling alley.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:55There we are.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57So, it's Miles's distracted driver,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59it's Heston's sit up supporter
0:11:59 > 0:12:01or David's bowling buddy.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Lee's team, where would you like to start?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Right, let's start with Heston. We'll start with Heston.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07This two minute sit up world record,
0:12:07 > 0:12:08how many did you do?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11It was 128.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You did more than one a second?
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Yes.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Because I'd been looking at this for two years before
0:12:20 > 0:12:22cos I was doing about 3,000 a day.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25You were doing 3,000 sit ups a day?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27At first.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- And that's still not even the weirdest thing he's ever done. - LAUGHTER
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Can you do a sit up now for us?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Actually, I can't, because I am having a hip replacement.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I'm not surprised, the amount of sit ups you did in two minutes.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40What are you going to do with your old hip?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Cos I reckon you should make a casserole out of it.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45LAUGHTER
0:12:49 > 0:12:54So, how did Rodney help in a sit up session?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Well, I needed somebody to spot me.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58What does that mean?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01It's basically somebody making sure you're doing the correct sit up
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- and then counting.- So he's like the ref.- Yes.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07All right, who would you like to quiz next?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09OK, we'll go for Miles.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Could you just remind us of the statement?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Driving along, I was very excited to see my old car,
0:13:14 > 0:13:16which Rodney was driving, and I gave a cheery honk
0:13:16 > 0:13:19and as a result of that, he steered into a hedge.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Did you sell it to him?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22No, I sold it to a dealership.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24And then he bought it off the dealer.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- Yeah.- Where exactly were you?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- When he went into the hedge?- Yes.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Cornwall.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- You saw your old car...- Yeah.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33You don't know the guy driving it
0:13:33 > 0:13:38and you think, "Let's honk at him cos he's driving our old car."
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- Yeah.- And he'll be able to tell the difference between a cheery honk
0:13:41 > 0:13:43and a "Get out of the way, what are you doing,
0:13:43 > 0:13:47"you crazy fool?" And a "Oh, that's our old car!"
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Or have you got a selection of honks?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Is there, like, an aggressive one and one that does, you know, Agadoo?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55In retrospect, it wasn't well thought through.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57No, you're right.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58What speed were you going?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Well, we would have been going... It was a windy lane,
0:14:01 > 0:14:03so probably somewhere in the region of 35, 40mph.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04And was he badly injured?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07No, he wasn't badly injured, but he was...
0:14:07 > 0:14:10He wasn't as relaxed about it as he looks now. LAUGHTER
0:14:10 > 0:14:13So what happened? Did you then get out of the car and...
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Well, I... Yeah, I felt very guilty, stopped the car and I got out
0:14:16 > 0:14:18and he went, "What are you doing?" And I said,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20"I'm... I'm really sorry that we honked.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22"The reason I honked was because you are...
0:14:22 > 0:14:25"We... This used to be our car. You're driving our old car."
0:14:25 > 0:14:28At what point did he say, "But why have you got a cat's face on?"
0:14:28 > 0:14:30LAUGHTER
0:14:30 > 0:14:32How do you behave if you see a man
0:14:32 > 0:14:34and he's going out with a girl that you used to go out with?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38We're not talking about big numbers here.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Well, whatever her nickname was, we don't care.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER
0:14:52 > 0:14:54OK, what about David's statement?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56You'll have to remind us, David.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57He had to retrieve my shoe
0:14:57 > 0:15:01when a drunk man threw it at the skittles in a bowling alley.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02OK, well, first of all,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04what were you doing in a bowling alley?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Second of all,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10what were you doing in possession of your own shoe in a bowling alley?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12And thirdly, they're not called skittles, they're called pins.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- But apart from that, so far it's all adding up. - LAUGHTER
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Surely your shoe was behind a counter somewhere.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Well, precisely. It was, until just before it was chucked.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Oh, it wasn't the shoe you were wearing.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25It was the one that was in the bit, that you swapped.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I wasn't currently wearing the shoe.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29When he threw it, I wasn't in it.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31LAUGHTER
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Was it your bowling shoe that was thrown or your own shoe?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- My own shoe.- Your own shoe. - Who was the guy that threw the shoe?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39I think his name was Chris.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40And what year was this?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43It was the year 2012 AD.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45So you were... you were...
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Who was the guy that threw the shoe?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- A friend of a friend. - So what's he done?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- I'm getting my shoe...- Right.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- We're leaving.- OK.- You know,
0:15:54 > 0:15:58the bowling expedition is coming to an end, very sad time.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00LAUGHTER
0:16:00 > 0:16:03So he's thrown the skit... The shoe at the skittle and...
0:16:03 > 0:16:05It wasn't just my shoe.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- What did he throw? - There was a group of us
0:16:08 > 0:16:12and we were all leaving at once and he was part of the group
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- but he was sort of enjoying himself on a different level.- Yeah.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19LAUGHTER
0:16:19 > 0:16:22There was... I'd say there was disagreement in the group
0:16:22 > 0:16:25as to on what level life should be lived.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29And he was on the very much the heightened, you know...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31"Tomorrow we may die."
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I can imagine you were lobbying other members of the group
0:16:34 > 0:16:36to join your level of life enjoyment
0:16:36 > 0:16:38versus his level of life enjoyment.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I was already very disappointed by the bowling alley's wine list.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44LAUGHTER
0:16:44 > 0:16:47But he, this guy that threw the shoe, he was having a lovely time.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Beer had been drunk.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53And when some of us were trying to get our normal life shoes,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56rather than the magic shoes of bowling...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Do you get up in the morning and call them
0:16:58 > 0:17:02- the normal life shoes to start with? - Absolutely.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06"Mummy, the normal life shoes and the normal life vest."
0:17:08 > 0:17:10"I think again today,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12"I shall have the skis of exceptional invention."
0:17:12 > 0:17:15LAUGHTER
0:17:18 > 0:17:22So the shoes were being handed back and this guy runs past,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24snatches three or four shoes.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Wow, how many legs have you got?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Oh, the friends'. Sorry.- They're on the counter at this point.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31He chooses his moment
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- with... Frankly, with the accuracy of a sober man.- Yes.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41Runs, and he does it with some sort of Viking shout of glee,
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- chucks them towards the... what I now realise are pins.- Right.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47You haven't said what the occasion was.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Erm, it was a stag do.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51A stag do for one of your chums.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52For a stranger.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I was the stripper. LAUGHTER
0:17:57 > 0:17:59No, yes, a friend's stag do.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01And how does Rodney come into the story?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04He worked at the bowling alley.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09I think still does and you can't just... You can't just wander down.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13He went and he walked down one of the...you know, the gutters.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Did he?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16And retrieved the shoes.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18So did anything else happen on this stag night?
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Did they do anything to the groom?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Like tie him to a lamp post, strip him naked, anything like that?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Anyone get a steak pie down their pants?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27No, because everyone had been invited.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30LAUGHTER
0:18:34 > 0:18:37All right. Well, we need an answer.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42So Lee's team, is Rodney Miles's distracted driver,
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Heston's sit up supporter
0:18:44 > 0:18:46or David's bowling buddy?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Well, this is difficult, isn't it?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Because you would have thought
0:18:51 > 0:18:53that if Heston would have been that good at sit ups,
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I feel I would have known that.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58One of the flaws I see in David's story is the idea
0:18:58 > 0:19:01that there was all their...loads of their shoes were on the counter
0:19:01 > 0:19:02and he picked up a load of shoes,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04whereas when you're in a bowling alley
0:19:04 > 0:19:07and you get your shoes back, there's one person giving the shoes back.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09The flaw I think in David's argument
0:19:09 > 0:19:11is the amount of friends he claims to have.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12LAUGHTER
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- I don't believe Miles's story. - You don't believe Miles at all.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18You wouldn't just honk at somebody driving your old car.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19- EMILIA:- No. I thought it was Heston or David.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- You think it's Heston or David. You think it's...?- I think it's Heston.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25So that means that I'm going to take the mean average
0:19:25 > 0:19:27and say it's Heston and half of David.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:30So you're saying that it's Heston.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32OK. Rodney, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Hi. I'm Rodney and I helped Heston break the world record for sit ups.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38APPLAUSE
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Thanks very much, Rodney.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50and we start with...
0:19:50 > 0:19:51It's Lee.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57Every time I make a cup of tea, I pretend I'm in the World Darts Final
0:19:57 > 0:20:00and test out my skill at throwing the tea bag in the cup.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04David's team?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07That's not exactly what you have to do in darts, is it?
0:20:07 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:12How far away from the cup do you stand to throw the bag?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I do exactly four paces.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18But large paces, so, Rob, about six paces.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:23And, what sort of tea bag do you favour?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Oh, the old David Mitchell chat up line.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER
0:20:31 > 0:20:33The tea bag of preference is...
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Pyramid bag?- No. - Or a Frisbee-like Tetley affair?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39The little round ones, the round ones, because, as we all know,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42if you're going to try and throw a pyramid-shaped tea bag
0:20:42 > 0:20:43into a cup at four paces,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46well, you're an idiot, we all know that.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48What's your success rate?
0:20:48 > 0:20:49About one in...one in ten.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52The way I do it is this. So you get three tea bags.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55You take your four paces, and then you do a little bit of... You know,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58psyche yourself up, pretend it's the World Darts Final,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- give yourself a... - Have a pint of bitter.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Yeah, you know. Put on a bit of weight, yeah.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Get the tea bag and then give myself a bit of pressure
0:21:06 > 0:21:09by saying to myself, "Here he is. Lee Mack.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12"He needs to get one tea bag into the cup
0:21:12 > 0:21:15"to become the World Darts Champion. Can he do it?"
0:21:15 > 0:21:19If you get it in the cup, do you then say, "180!"
0:21:19 > 0:21:21No, because there's only one. I just go, "One!"
0:21:21 > 0:21:24LAUGHTER
0:21:24 > 0:21:26But I do the end bit, I go, "One...tea."
0:21:26 > 0:21:29LAUGHTER
0:21:30 > 0:21:31And then I'll throw three,
0:21:31 > 0:21:34and then I'll go back and I'll gather the three,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I'll do it again and then I'll give myself one final throw of three.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- This sounds remarkable and we're all now picturing it, aren't we?- Yeah.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45In our minds, but how lovely it would be if we had a mug.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Yes, well. That's the thing.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50And if we had some tea bags. And if the mug, for example,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53got popped just on the desk there, why don't we?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Whoa, whoa, whoa. That is far more than four paces.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Yeah, you've got to come over here.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58I tell you what, after this,
0:21:58 > 0:22:00we're going to forget all this truth and lies stuff.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03This is a much better game. LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Right. So what I do is go up to the cup like that and I'll sort of do...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- One, two, three, four.- Yeah.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I'll often do this. I look to my right.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Might put the kettle on, get it ready.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16And I'll often look to the left and go, "Rob, get out my kitchen."
0:22:16 > 0:22:18LAUGHTER
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I'll go like that, I'll go, "Heston,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22"the beans are burning. You were in charge of them.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- "David, put some clothes on." And then I'll... - LAUGHTER
0:22:26 > 0:22:28And then I will... And the trick is to get the...
0:22:28 > 0:22:30You can't squeeze too hard because you'd split the bag.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Oh, ho, I know.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34LAUGHTER
0:22:40 > 0:22:42The trick is to give the tea bags a little shake,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44and then you've got to get them compact.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46It's a bit disgusting but a real little trick is,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49if you've got sweaty palms, you'll get a bit more...
0:22:49 > 0:22:50I've got sweaty palms.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Yeah, but I don't want you, because I've got to drink the tea.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- Oh, right.- And you're not always going to be there for me, are you?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I am! LAUGHTER
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Please say you're not, David.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Then you put it onto your head.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Lee, Lee, just say, you've obviously got quite a large kitchen.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Well, no, no, because I'm now in the living room.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10But you just said the kettle's there.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Yeah, no. I keep the kettle in the living room.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14I'm old school. Why get up to make a cup of tea?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Put it next to your sofa. I'm not an idiot.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19- Right, and then you do that, you get it on your head.- Yes.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Like that and then you do that.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I tell you what, when it hits the cup, it's a lovely noise.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28DAVID LAUGHS
0:23:29 > 0:23:31AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Now at this point at home, I'll be going...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Look at this, this is actually turning into an event now.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38And I'll go, "Lee Mack. He's only got six tea bags left
0:23:38 > 0:23:40"to become the World Champion!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43"He's going to have to make sure that this one goes in
0:23:43 > 0:23:45"otherwise Jocky Wilson will be in!"
0:23:48 > 0:23:50AUDIENCE: Hooray!
0:23:50 > 0:23:53APPLAUSE
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Well, there we are.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59So, what are you going to say then, David?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Well, the thing is, it is difficult now
0:24:01 > 0:24:03because whether or not it's true,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05he's definitely going to do it from now on,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07as am I.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- Do you think it's a lie? HESTON:- I'm not sure.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Well, I think we're going to say true.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Going to say it's true. OK. Lee, truth or lie?
0:24:17 > 0:24:18It was, in fact,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- true.- Oh, wow.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22APPLAUSE
0:24:22 > 0:24:27Yes, it's true. Lee does pretend he's in the World Darts Final
0:24:27 > 0:24:29every time he makes a cup of tea.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Next.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33It's David.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37There is something about me that elephants like.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39LAUGHTER
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Every time I visit a zoo, they thunder towards me
0:24:46 > 0:24:49and point their trunks in my direction.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Right, Lee's team.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55When did you first notice elephants finding you so attractive?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I don't think elephants liked me
0:24:58 > 0:25:00before I hit puberty.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05And do you believe that puberty was the triggering thing?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Correlation is not causation.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Oh, another one of your catch phrases.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I told you, they don't catch on, David.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- IMITATING BRUCE FORSYTH: - What's correlation... Oh, forget it.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:25OK. Where were you? When did you first notice it?
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- I think it was probably at the Cotswold Safari Park.- Right.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I had recently become a man.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Yes.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I was quite an imposing figure,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38striding around the Cotswold Wildlife Park.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Still intellectually juvenile,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43in that I was still interested in the animals.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46And then I was passing the elephant's enclosure
0:25:46 > 0:25:50and, you know, it swivelled its head towards me.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51And it was quite alarming
0:25:51 > 0:25:54and then it started to move slowly towards me and then,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56as it moved towards me, its trunk rose.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01It straightened as if... as if in arousal.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Yes, yes.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Have you ever been on safari?
0:26:05 > 0:26:06No, I haven't, for obvious reasons.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:12How many zoological gardens/safari parks
0:26:12 > 0:26:16have you been to and observed this in elephants?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19At least nine or ten sort of times.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21You play you, right.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I'll play the elephant.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Right, now you...
0:26:24 > 0:26:27LAUGHTER
0:26:27 > 0:26:30If you'd like to walk towards me and I'll...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32No, you... You've got to spot me.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34It's not about what I do, it's about...
0:26:36 > 0:26:39LAUGHTER
0:26:44 > 0:26:46It's exactly like that.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- Is that how it happens?- Yes.- Wow.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51There was something about being the elephant then
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- I believe it to be true. I was... - LAUGHTER
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Have you always been with the same people or different people
0:26:57 > 0:26:58- to the safari park?- Oh, it's...
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Has it been mixed up enough to know it's you, specifically?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Yes. The only person who is always with me
0:27:03 > 0:27:06is my friend, Kevin the bun seller.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER
0:27:18 > 0:27:21So what do you think then, Lee?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Do you think, do you think that's true or was he...
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Was he making that all up, what would you say?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I don't believe it at all. No.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- There's not even an ounce of truth in it.- No.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31I think we're going to have to say it's a lie.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32OK, so you say it's a lie.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35David, attracting elephants, truth or lie?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Well, it is,
0:27:37 > 0:27:38a lie.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Yes, it's a lie. Elephants don't thunder towards David
0:27:46 > 0:27:48and point their trunks in his direction when he visits the zoo.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52- BUZZER - Well, that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56And I can reveal that Lee's team have won by 3 points to 2.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:04But it's not just a team game. My individual liar of the week
0:28:04 > 0:28:06this week is Miles Jupp.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:13Yes, it's Miles Jupp. He's as honest as the day is long,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15in the Arctic in the middle of the winter. Good night.