0:00:23 > 0:00:26Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You,
0:00:26 > 0:00:28the show that sorts the facts from the fibs.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30On David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33a TV presenter who effortlessly mixes brains and beauty,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37like a sort of female Rob Brydon. It's Carol Vorderman.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39APPLAUSE
0:00:39 > 0:00:43And a comedian from Wales, so like all Welshmen,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46he's just happy to be indoors and out of the rain. It's Rhod Gilbert.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:52And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55an interior designer who was recently hired by the Beckhams.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57It was an easy job.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Victoria has a tiny interior and David hasn't got much upstairs.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04- It's Kelly Hoppen. - APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:10And the thinking woman's comedian, if that woman is thinking,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12"God, what was I thinking?"
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- It's Hal Cruttenden. - APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:20We begin of course with Round One. It's Home Truths,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22where our panellists each read out a statement
0:01:22 > 0:01:23from the card in front of them.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:26 > 0:01:28they've no idea what they'll be faced with,
0:01:28 > 0:01:32and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- Kelly, you're first.- OK.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Rather than use a flannel or a sponge,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I wash with an orange.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:46David's team, what do you think?
0:01:46 > 0:01:47How do you, how do you...?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49CAROL LAUGHS
0:01:51 > 0:01:54How do you use the orange?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Well, I mean, you know, citrus fruits are...
0:01:56 > 0:01:59LAUGHTER
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Instinctively, I think Carol doesn't believe you.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Either that or she's completely...
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Look, I mean, citrus fruits are known to be very good for your skin.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21So if you cut an orange in half and you use it on your face,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23the citrus goes into your pores.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25RHOD: Ah. Do you use both halves, like that?
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Absolutely.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Saves time that, doesn't it?- Yeah.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Then you wash it off with water, just with your hands
0:02:32 > 0:02:35and then the best bit is to then take the other side of the orange
0:02:35 > 0:02:37and buff your skin.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Oh. I tell you what, this is a northern man's nightmare.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Washing AND fruit.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- I mean I'm 73... - LAUGHTER
0:02:48 > 0:02:51..and honestly, it's fantastic and you smell so fabulous.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54RHOD: Can I, er... Can I come over and have a smell?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Oh, the old Welsh chat-up line. - LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I should be able to smell it, yeah?
0:03:01 > 0:03:02I should be able to smell.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:08 > 0:03:10The best evidence is before she started doing this,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12she used to have black hair.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- I didn't smell any orange. - Did you not?- No.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19You told me earlier today that you had a stinking cold.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20I have got a stinking cold.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Well, there you go. - So have you now.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I didn't realise you had a blocked nose, allow me.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- HE SNIFFS - Orange.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:31 > 0:03:34There are so many exfoliating creams that have orange or citrus in.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36None of them are an actual orange, though.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40You know, I've seen shampoos with coconut in
0:03:40 > 0:03:43but I've never actually washed my hair just with a coconut.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45DAVID: That would be exfoliating though, wouldn't it?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47The outside of a coconut.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Absolutely. You could draw blood with that.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54My question here,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57what you're going to get then is orange juice on your face.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00But I would say, if I dirtied my face with orange juice,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I would need something like soap in order to wash the orange juice
0:04:03 > 0:04:06properly off, otherwise I'd be going out into the world,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08essentially, with a soft drink on my face.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12OK. Does this ring any bells with you, Carol?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15No, I know obviously there are things where... You know,
0:04:15 > 0:04:19that things are scented with citrus oils and all of that kind of thing.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Never heard of oranges.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24RHOD: Carol, cut to the chase, a wet orange peel is no exfoliator.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26No. It's not.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28RHOD: I will live and die by that statement.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31You know, what it does, is it gets all the...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- No, it doesn't.- It does.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35So we think it's a lie?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Yeah. Oh, absolutely.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40OK, going to say lie. Kelly Hoppen,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42were you telling the truth then or were you telling a lie?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44It is a...
0:04:44 > 0:04:46lie. APPLAUSE
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Yes, it's a lie.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Kelly doesn't wash with an orange rather than a flannel or a sponge.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Rhod Gilbert, your turn.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01I once had a holiday in a Frenchman's garage.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03LAUGHTER
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Can I check if this is a euphemism?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11But seriously, how old were you, roughly? I don't mean go,
0:05:11 > 0:05:12- GROWLING:- "Oh, 17."
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- 38.- 38, oh, so it's quite recent.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Only 38 when it happened?- Yeah.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19You're 38, right, you're in France. Where was the garage?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- France!- Whereabouts in France? - Northern France.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- Whereabouts in Northern France? - Brittany.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25In Brittany. So you ended up in Brittany?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- Southern Brittany. - Southern Brittany and you...
0:05:28 > 0:05:29The northern end of southern Brittany.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Oh, that's just south of mid Brittany, isn't it?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- I know it well.- Mid Brittany.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- HAL:- What was the name of the town that you were in?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42The town where I stayed in the Frenchman's garage...
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Was?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- Vannes.- You were in the van in the garage, right.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49The town...
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Is this how this mix-up happened? "I want a holiday in a van."
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Rhod, Rhod. Let me speak to you as another Welshman.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Maybe he'll understand me. - LAUGHTER
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Ask me a nice specific question.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Did you book a holiday in a Frenchman's garage?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09No. I once HAD a holiday in a Frenchman's garage.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14When you arrived in the village or town called Vannes...
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Yeah, Vannes, yeah.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19- Did you already know you would be staying in a garage?- No.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Were all the hotels booked?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- No. We thought it looked nice in the brochure.- Who did?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- Me and my partner. - Partner?- Girlfriend.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Girlfriend.- Now wife.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Blimey, that was a quick ten seconds, wasn't it?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34OK, so you were going to Vannes.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35- We went to Vannes.- Right.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- Went to a tourist information place. - Because you hadn't booked anywhere.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40- We hadn't booked.- I'm with you.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42What happened at the tourist information?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45They said, "What about this place?" And we said, "That looks nice."
0:06:45 > 0:06:49A house with a nice pool, looked nice in the picture, so we went there.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50And when you got there...?
0:06:50 > 0:06:51It was a garage.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56The house was nice but we were in the garage.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Was the garage decked out to look like a room
0:06:58 > 0:07:00or was it just spanners and...?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02It looked like a room with a canoe on the side and a fuse box.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- Am I old before my time but...- Yes. - ..at 38, you don't go on a crazy...
0:07:08 > 0:07:11"Not going to book where we're going." At 38 you want to know where you're going.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- I'm with you, Hal. - Get a nice comfy room.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14You know, if this is true,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17you totally deserve what happened to you.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19I didn't say I didn't enjoy it.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21So it was a deliberate rough and tumble.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22No, it was a disaster.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- How long did you stay for in the garage?- Two weeks.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29You stayed for two weeks?! How much did you pay?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30It was very reasonable.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34I'm not surprised. Did it have any windows in the garage?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- No.- And you said there was a swimming pool?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Yeah, they had a swimming pool.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39- You were allowed to use it?- No.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I can't help thinking that what you're describing
0:07:44 > 0:07:45is more of a hostage scenario.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50And what about Mrs Gilbert, she wasn't Mrs Gilbert then,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53but how did she react? Because she's looking at you, Rhod,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56a tall, strapping, handsome Welshman.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57What everyone dreams of.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00And you've whisked her there.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Was there not a little part of her that died that day
0:08:03 > 0:08:06when she saw what you expected her to put up with?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09She wasn't very well, if I remember rightly.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Was it carbon monoxide or exhaust fumes?
0:08:14 > 0:08:20All right, Lee. It's a complex tale. What do your team think?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Absolute lie.- You say lie.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- Absolutely.- Really?- Mm hmm.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Based on just the floundering?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Absolutely everything.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Like what? All right, it did have windows.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34What are you thinking, Hal?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36It's like he's throwing in things that seem so ridiculous.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40No, but nobody would go and stay in a garage without windows.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41They wouldn't.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43You're Kelly Hoppen though, Kelly.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45He's Rhod Gilbert.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49OK, what's it going to be, Lee? Truth or lie?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Lie.- Lie?- Lie.- Lie.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I think it's true but I'll go with my team and say it's a lie.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58You're going to say lie. OK, Rhod, garage holiday in France.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- Truth or lie?- Holiday in the Frenchman's garage in Vannes,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- true. - APPLAUSE
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Yes. It was all true.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Rhod did once have a holiday in a Frenchman's garage.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Our next round is called This Is My where we bring on a mystery guest
0:09:18 > 0:09:21who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:09:23 > 0:09:25that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:09:25 > 0:09:28and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31So please welcome this week's special guest, Gary.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34APPLAUSE
0:09:39 > 0:09:42So, Kelly, what is Gary to you?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45This is Gary and he's a feng shui expert,
0:09:45 > 0:09:50and in order to improve the flow, the energy flow in my home,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53he advised me to get rid of my cat litter tray.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Hal, how do you know Gary?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Well, this is Gary. Last year, I kicked a football
0:10:00 > 0:10:04through my kitchen window and Gary agreed to take the blame.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07And Lee, your relationship with Gary.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08This is Gary.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13Together we were involved in a low-speed pedalo chase...
0:10:13 > 0:10:17DAVID LAUGHS
0:10:17 > 0:10:21..when a Spaniard had nicked Gary's towel.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25OK, there we have it. Kelly's feng shui friend,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Hal's football fall guy
0:10:27 > 0:10:29or Lee's pedalo pal.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30David, where do you want to start?
0:10:30 > 0:10:36OK. Kelly what was it about the cat being able to crap anywhere
0:10:36 > 0:10:39that would improve the feng shui of your house?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Well, no, the whole thing about feng shui
0:10:41 > 0:10:43is that it's all about energy lines in your home.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46So, for example, if you have a drain...
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Like where the sockets go?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- Well, no, like drains will, will mean... - LAUGHTER
0:10:53 > 0:10:57So if you've a drain in a home, you're losing energy.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00And where my litter tray was, was really my...
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- RHOD: It was your litter tray? - No, my cat's litter tray.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06You have all these areas in a home.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09I'm not a feng shui specialist, which is why I got Gary in,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11so he explained it to me and he said,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13"You really need to move your litter tray
0:11:13 > 0:11:16"because where it's placed is in your wealth corner."
0:11:16 > 0:11:18When he first turned up was his opening line,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20"Are you a feng shui expert?" And you said no.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Did he go, "Good."
0:11:22 > 0:11:24LAUGHTER
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- So it was in your wealth corner. - Yes.
0:11:26 > 0:11:31- So your cat was crapping on your money.- Yeah.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33So yeah, what do you put there?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35If it's inappropriate for a cat litter tray?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38You need to put a crystal or something that enhances the area,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41rather than a cat litter tray where a cat is going to pee in the corner.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Well, exactly. The difference between a crystal and a cat litter tray
0:11:44 > 0:11:46is that one thing has a purpose
0:11:46 > 0:11:49and the other thing is some tat that you should throw out.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52APPLAUSE
0:11:52 > 0:11:55What bits of the room... There's a wealth corner,
0:11:55 > 0:11:57what other corners are there that you're not allowed
0:11:57 > 0:11:59to put anything actually useful?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Well, there's wealth and there's clarity...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Clarity is for the red wine. - Yes.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08What... Was anything else wrong with how you had your house?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11No, actually everything else was really good. I mean.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13RHOD: What, that was it? How much did you pay him for that?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Well, no, no.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17He just moved the litter tray and went, "There you go.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- "There, job done." - No, no, no.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- "Eight grand, please."- No.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Did he move the cat litter tray and go,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26"That should help the wealth corner. Well, certainly mine, anyway."
0:12:27 > 0:12:29What problems were occurring then for you
0:12:29 > 0:12:30to get the feng shui expert, Gary.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32No there wasn't any problems, I just believe in it
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- and I work a lot in Asia. - What was his name again?
0:12:35 > 0:12:36- Gary.- Oh, yeah.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41I work a lot in Asia and we use a lot of feng shui consultants
0:12:41 > 0:12:44when we build houses in Asia and this is an ancient philosophy,
0:12:44 > 0:12:48so I can understand that you don't understand it, if you haven't read,
0:12:48 > 0:12:51if you haven't read about it and it is all about balancing out a home.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53It's like your body, if you have reflexology...
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Sorry, can I just confirm to Rhod, in case he's not sure.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- She's patronising you.- I'm not. - LAUGHTER
0:12:59 > 0:13:00I'm perfectly happy with that.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Did it have seem to have any effect?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Absolutely, that particular space, it was a wealth corner,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08and it shouldn't have had a litter tray, it needed crystals there.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09So where did you put the litter tray?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- I got rid of the cat.- Oh, my God. - AUDIENCE GASP
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I didn't really, I'm only joking.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18I love the way the whole audience went, "Oh, my God!"
0:13:18 > 0:13:20This is so Britain, isn't it?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Except the one French person going, "Zat is perfectly logical."
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- No, I didn't. - APPLAUSE
0:13:29 > 0:13:32So, Hal, just say what you said again.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Last year I kicked a football through my kitchen window
0:13:39 > 0:13:42and Gary agreed to take the blame for it.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- CAROL:- Hang on, you kicked a football?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Yes.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48It is a very, very rare event.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Hal, can I ask you how you know Gary? What the connection is?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- We're, both our kids that are at the same school.- Right.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- Well, that's certainly plausible. - It is plausible.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Many schools have more than one child at them.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03So there you were, in the garden, playing football.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04They'd come over anyway
0:14:04 > 0:14:07cos we're friends. So we were playing football in the garden
0:14:07 > 0:14:12and my wife had already made a comment about, "Oh, messing about.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15"Don't break the window." And then, we ended up messing about, and yeah.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19And you kicked the ball and it went through the window.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Yes.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24And what did you do then? So it's smash, tinkle...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Beat.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I just went a bit, "Oh, no! Did it again."
0:14:28 > 0:14:31"Oh, no! My wife is going to kill me.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34"She wasn't joking on any level.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39"This could be it for my marriage."
0:14:41 > 0:14:43So you said, "This is terrible.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45"She's going to be really angry." He... What did he say?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48He offered to take the blame. He said, "I'll take the blame for it."
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Because he's a bit more of a sort of, what's the word?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Scallywag type character.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I don't understand this modern street talk.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Did you say to her, "Gary's got something to say to you"?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05"Dear, oh dear, Gary."
0:15:05 > 0:15:06- Did you say...- No.- "Darling,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09"I said to Gary, I'd take the blame but you know."
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- Right, what about Lee?- Yeah, Lee.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Can you just remind us first of all, what was it you said?
0:15:16 > 0:15:21This is Gary and we were involved together in a low-speed pedalo chase
0:15:21 > 0:15:24after a Spaniard nicked Gary's towel.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Describe the scenario of the theft.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Where were you and Gary and where did the Spaniard come from?
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Spain.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- We were on a beach. - In Spain?- Not in Spain.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40So he'd come a long way, this assailant.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43He'd obviously heard about a valuable towel.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46He was an international towel thief.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Well, any of those options or possibly he was on holiday.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51And so, Lee...
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Yes, that's my Chinese name. - So what happened?
0:15:56 > 0:16:02I was... I was... I was on the beach and we decided to go,
0:16:02 > 0:16:06as two young, strapping men do, for a pedalo ride.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Had you known each other long by that point?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10No, I was strolling lonely on the beach...
0:16:11 > 0:16:14..and I saw a young gentleman in some tight shorts
0:16:14 > 0:16:18and I thought, "Hello, fancy a pedalo ride?"
0:16:18 > 0:16:20And luckily he was available.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22He's one of your old buddies then.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24We were on holiday together, yeah.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- So how long ago was this? - I was about 20.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31And so you decided to hire a pedalo.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Yes. We decided to rent out a pedalo and go into the sea.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35So that's what we do.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37We go out on to the pedalo and we start to pedal
0:16:37 > 0:16:39and oh. It's great.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41And it's at this point that you saw the Spaniard?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43So then we're sort of coming back to shore, right.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45DAVID: You've done a bit of a loop.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I'm literally doing the action now with my feet, I'm there.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Looks like the three of you are on jet skis from here to be honest.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:17:01So we're pedaloing and as we're pedalling, we see a gentleman
0:17:01 > 0:17:04who's renting out... He's in the process of renting out the pedalo
0:17:04 > 0:17:08and we sort of see him walk back, suddenly grab Gary's towel,
0:17:08 > 0:17:12and he puts it on the pedalo, on his girlfriend's seat and off he goes.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13So what do we do?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- You give chase.- We give chase.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18So you pulled up alongside him in your pedalo
0:17:18 > 0:17:19and you said, "Excuse me."
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Yeah, I wound the window down and I said...
0:17:22 > 0:17:25No, I just said, "Excuse me..."
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Why didn't Gary? I realise he's mute tonight for a reason but...
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Cos he was keeping his eye on the road and I was....
0:17:33 > 0:17:35So you say excuse me and he said...?
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Que?
0:17:38 > 0:17:40So I had to do the thing... I had to mime it.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42I sort of went... I said, "You...Erm.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44"Er...and then you..."
0:17:44 > 0:17:46HE WHISTLES
0:17:46 > 0:17:48So he sort of mimed, "I'm sorry."
0:17:48 > 0:17:51And handed the girl to us and we went, "No, no, no.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53"You've got it all wrong."
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Anyway, that's how I met my wife and that's...
0:17:56 > 0:17:57And that's the truth.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01All right, so we need an answer. David's team.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Is Gary Kelly's feng shui friend,
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Hal's football fall guy
0:18:06 > 0:18:08or Lee's pedalo pal?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Where do you want to start?
0:18:11 > 0:18:12I'm very confused.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Is feng shui...? I thought it was about,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17"Don't have the sofa there, move it out a bit more diagonally
0:18:17 > 0:18:19"and that's a bit more Chinese and cool."
0:18:21 > 0:18:25But I didn't think it involved crystals.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I thought that was a totally different form of charlatanism,
0:18:27 > 0:18:28I mean...
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Eastern science.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- We don't think it's... - We don't think it is.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35You don't think it's Kelly.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38I can't see Lee going on a holiday just with one other guy as well.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- No, I can't.- A group of guys in their 20s, fair enough,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42but two 20-year-old boys. No.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44And what about Hal?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Hal. Well, I think that sounds very plausible.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Except the children bit.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Are you saying I don't have children?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I think Hal does have children.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59You don't have children, do you, Rhod?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I don't have children.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- No. 2-0. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:07 > 0:19:10So, what are you going to say, David?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Hal.- You think it's Hal. - Kelly.- You think it's Kelly now.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16We're going to say... We're going to say Hal.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17- You're going to say Hal.- Yeah.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22OK, Gary, would you please reveal your true identity.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24My name is Gary
0:19:24 > 0:19:25and I advised Kelly.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- Yes. - APPLAUSE
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- LEE:- Can I just... Rob, sorry, can I ask a question?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Just before we move on, too quickly, Gary,
0:19:38 > 0:19:39David would like to explain to you
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- why the whole thing's a crock of rubbish. - LAUGHTER
0:19:43 > 0:19:48Yes, Gary is Kelly's feng shui friend
0:19:48 > 0:19:50and has had to endure
0:19:50 > 0:19:52a dreadful five minutes.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- Thank you very much, Gary. - Thank you.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies and we start with...
0:20:07 > 0:20:08- Carol.- OK.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I used to have a job in a safari park gift shop
0:20:13 > 0:20:17and regularly shared my bed with a lion cub.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Ah. Lee Mack's team.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22What year was this?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Or what rough year, I don't need the exact year.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Is that your opening question, Lee?
0:20:25 > 0:20:29What year was this? I don't need the exact year.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Well, I didn't want to embarrass Carol in case she said,
0:20:31 > 0:20:32you know, "It was when I was 18
0:20:32 > 0:20:34"in 1642."
0:20:34 > 0:20:36LAUGHTER
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I'll just say give me the decade.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40It was, it was in the mid-70s.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43So mid-70s and you worked in a safari park.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I worked in a safari park gift shop.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Which safari park?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Windsor.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52I lived in the safari park at the time. I lived in the safari park
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- at the time...- You didn't. - ..with my sister.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- But how could you live there? - Whoa, whoa, sorry?- And she's human?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00LAUGHTER
0:21:00 > 0:21:02She had a house in the safari park.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Is it because she was connected with the safari park at the time?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Did they build round her?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Did she buy it when it was just in a field and then one morning...
0:21:10 > 0:21:12One morning, she's lying there and she heard this...
0:21:12 > 0:21:14HE GROWLS
0:21:15 > 0:21:19She lived in the safari park with her husband
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- who worked with the animals. - Has he got a name, the husband?
0:21:23 > 0:21:24- Francis.- Right.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27He would bring home the little babies
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- who'd been rejected by their mothers. - Don't, you're going to make me go.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37So I went there one summer and there was a penguin in the bath
0:21:37 > 0:21:41and a lion cub in my bed.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44So I slept with the lion cub for the summer.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Carol, nothing happened, did it?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49LAUGHTER
0:21:49 > 0:21:50It did. No, it did.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Oh, God.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58No, it only happened when my mum came down from Wales.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03And she walked into the bedroom and screamed.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- I bet she did. - As she saw me in bed with a lion cub.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10How big is the cub? Are we talking like very young?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- Well, when I go there, it was that big.- Oh, yeah.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15It was that big by the time she'd finished.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Did you sleep with any other animals while you were there?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- No, it's a genuine question. - No, I had a bath with a penguin.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- You didn't?- Obviously.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Was he in the bath and you got in unsolicited or?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- No, he was in the bath...- He was already in there.- ..in cold water.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- Right.- So I had to get the penguin out of the cold water and...
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Did you p-p-p-p-pick up that penguin? - LAUGHTER
0:22:44 > 0:22:46So what are you thinking, Lee?
0:22:46 > 0:22:47I don't know. What do we think?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I think it could be true.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52HAL: Yeah, it's so ridiculous but she's so convincing.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- When you say...? - I wish she was on our team. Sorry!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57No, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01So, Lee, what's it going to be? Truth or a lie?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- You're saying?- I think it's true. - True. You're saying?
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Oh, I'll go true, I'm...I'm malleable. Yeah, true.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10- You're saying true? - Yeah, true.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13OK. Carol Vorderman, lion cub in the bed, truth or lie?
0:23:13 > 0:23:14True.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- APPLAUSE - Wow.- See.- Wow.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Yes, it's true.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Carol did used to share her bed with a lion cub.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Next up,
0:23:26 > 0:23:27it's David.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Whenever I see my postman, Roy,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34he shouts, "Oggy, oggy, oggy"...
0:23:34 > 0:23:37LAUGHTER
0:23:37 > 0:23:40..and won't move on until I have replied,
0:23:40 > 0:23:41"Roy, Roy, Roy."
0:23:41 > 0:23:44LAUGHTER
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Does he only do this when he's at your door
0:23:53 > 0:23:54or if you pass him in the street?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- It's whenever I see him. - Whenever you see him.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Yeah. So obviously I try and avoid him.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Is he a very friendly postman?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04He is friendly but...
0:24:04 > 0:24:05What's his name?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08He's, his name is, erm...
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Oggy. No, Roy!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Talk us through the very first time this happened.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Well, I... er, he rang the doorbell
0:24:24 > 0:24:26because it was a recorded delivery thing.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- What was it?- What was it?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- I don't know, I wasn't there. - LAUGHTER
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Do you remember? I only sleep over Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I can't... I can't remember what it was.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41Right. OK, so he's rang the doorbell and then what happens?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44I'm not in. So...
0:24:44 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:50A very handy answer.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53On another occasion, on a different delivery, I am.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- I open the door. - Why has he not knocked?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Before I'd rung the... He'd rung the bell.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- Yeah.- No, or did I ring the bell? No, it must have been him.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Before he'd rung the bell, I hadn't met him.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- So he rang the bell.- Yes. - Right, I answered the door.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Right, and...?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10You know, I signed for the thing, he says, "Oh, are you...?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13"You're off the telly, aren't you?" I say, "Yes."
0:25:13 > 0:25:14So he says, "You're on the telly."
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Yeah, and I say, "I must be hallucinating.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18"It seems like I'm on the doorstep."
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I say, "Yes," and he goes, "Oh, nice to meet you."
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Nice to meet...me.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Great moment, great moment.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Anyway, the next time I see him, it's out on the street.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- Oh, I see, so this is a different time now completely.- Right.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Now you just bump into him.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42And now he goes, "Oh..." He goes initially, "Oh, hello."
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Then he goes...
0:25:44 > 0:25:49- "Oggy, oggy, oggy."- Wow.- And then goes, you know, like...
0:25:49 > 0:25:52and I've remembered his name is Roy and I go, "Ha..."
0:25:52 > 0:25:54And he says, "So, Roy, Roy..."
0:25:54 > 0:25:56He makes me. He goes, "Roy, Roy, Roy?"
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Like in a questioning way.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01And I go, "Ha-ha, yeah. Roy, Roy, Roy!"
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Does he do it to everyone?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06I don't think he does it to everyone.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Actually, much as I... I'm a funny person. I mean peculiar.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I don't, you know, ha-ha, I'm not saying.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14It's not up to me to say.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19But I'm a peculiar person in that I hate this
0:26:19 > 0:26:21but I would be hurt if I thought he did it with everyone.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Tell us about the second time it happened.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Erm...I can't really remember the second...
0:26:27 > 0:26:29You would definitely have remembered the second time, David.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32It's awkward. So that won't, that won't wash.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Talk us through the second incident now!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38OK. I remember it as if it were yesterday.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45- I am walking out of my... Out of the front gate.- Right.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Quite early in the morning. He's right up the top of the road
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- on the corner, coming round...- With his trolley.- ..with his trolley.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- Tell you what, I'll be the postman. - OK.- OK?
0:26:56 > 0:26:57- I'm walking.- OK.- All right.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Is that a Zimmer frame?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04It's my trolley. I think you know it is.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Rob, you'd be whistling I think.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07I was about to whistle.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Now I'm coming out of the front door,
0:27:12 > 0:27:15slamming the front door, walking along. ROB WHISTLES
0:27:15 > 0:27:16- Oggy, oggy, oggy!- Hi.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Oggy, oggy, oggy!
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Roy.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Oggy, oggy, oggy!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27PAINED: Roy, Roy, Roy.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- So, what are you thinking? - I really haven't got a clue
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- but I...- I think it's a lie. - ..suspect it's an absolute lie.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- It's got to be, hasn't it? - Definitely.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- Yeah, I think it's a lie.- A lie.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47OK. David, truth or lie?
0:27:47 > 0:27:48It is...
0:27:48 > 0:27:52a lie. APPLAUSE
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Yes, it's a lie.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58David's postman doesn't shout "Oggy, oggy, oggy," when he sees him.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- BUZZER - Oh, that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show
0:28:01 > 0:28:05and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by 3 points to 2.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07APPLAUSE
0:28:09 > 0:28:11But it's not just a team game
0:28:11 > 0:28:15and my individual liar of the week this week is Kelly Hoppen.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Yes, Kelly Hoppen, the last time a woman deceived me that well
0:28:20 > 0:28:23she had big hands and an Adam's apple. Good night.