0:00:16 > 0:00:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
0:00:28 > 0:00:31the show where honesty is never the best policy.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33On David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37a comedian with a career spanning 18 years.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40To put that into perspective, his career is old enough to vote,
0:00:40 > 0:00:44to get married and to reject my advances at a bar.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46It's Phill Jupitus!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:53And an actress who, in Sherlock, sometimes appears opposite
0:00:53 > 0:00:56her partner, Martin Freeman, but who tonight is making an exception
0:00:56 > 0:01:00and is appearing opposite her FUTURE partner, Rob Brydon.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03It's Amanda Abbington!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And, standing in as guest captain, it's Greg Davis!
0:01:08 > 0:01:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:13And on Greg's team tonight,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16he's not the first choirmaster to end up with his name on a list,
0:01:16 > 0:01:17although...
0:01:17 > 0:01:19LAUGHTER
0:01:19 > 0:01:22..in his case it was the Queen's Birthday Honours List.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24It's Gareth Malone!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:27 > 0:01:29And, you know, some people,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32some people are nervous about mentioning this man's height.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Not me, I'll happily say it right to his belt.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It's Richard Osman!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Hello, everyone.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43And so we begin with Round 1,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement
0:01:46 > 0:01:47from the card in front of them.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53They've got no idea what they'll be faced with
0:01:53 > 0:01:57and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction
0:01:57 > 0:01:59and Gareth is first up tonight.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03A quick technique I often use to determine
0:02:03 > 0:02:06if someone has singing potential, is to get them to sing
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Baa Baa Black Sheep as if they are frightened.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13David.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Is it?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- As if they are frightened?- Yes.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20And what is it about that that tells you anything?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23It's to determine whether they can perform.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Not just to sing but whether they can take it the next level.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Look terrified while singing,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32cos that's the key skill needed in a choir(!)
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Yeah, no, it's more about them,
0:02:34 > 0:02:39you know, it might be that I want them to get under the skin
0:02:39 > 0:02:42of a piece of music that I'm going to do later
0:02:42 > 0:02:44so I want to see whether they've got what it takes emotionally
0:02:44 > 0:02:47to connect with the song, even if it is Baa Baa Black Sheep.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Is that one of your favourites, Baa Baa Black Sheep?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Well, it's a very good tune.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Well, look, talk is cheap.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Let's see some of that - and I use this phrase advisedly -
0:02:59 > 0:03:02"Malone Magic" in action.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Erm...
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Greg...
0:03:05 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:06 > 0:03:10..could you sing Baa Baa Black Sheep as if you were frightened, please?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Fine. I'm an incredibly versatile actor. Let's go.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15- Frightened?- Frightened.- OK.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Oh!
0:03:19 > 0:03:21LAUGHTER
0:03:21 > 0:03:25BREATHLESS, HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: # Baa baa, black sheep,
0:03:25 > 0:03:29# Have you any wool?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31# Yes, sir, yes sir
0:03:31 > 0:03:33# Three bags full! #
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Can I ask, are you being Barry, Robin or Maurice?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Can't quite tell.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Well, I think we've established that he's got potential
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- and the important thing is... - Give me another emotion, Gareth.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- No, that's the...- Yeah I know, but give me another one, just...
0:03:51 > 0:03:53All right, erm...
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Sexual joy.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56LAUGHTER
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Hang on a minute.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02DEEP VOICE: # Baa baa, black sheep
0:04:02 > 0:04:04# Have you any wool? #
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Can I do the frightened one?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Oh, you want to...?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I don't get to look someone in the eye very often.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Do you know what I'd love to see? I'd love to see...
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Is there anybody here, do you think,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26who perhaps doesn't like singing,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29who might be sat in between...?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33He might be in between his team-mates now thinking,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35"Oh, I do hope they don't come to me."
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Is there anyone?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- Why don't we ask David to... - Oh! OK, all right.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44..to perhaps sing Baa Baa Black Sheep.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48- Baa Baa Black Sheep, like I'm very frightened?- Go on, David.- OK.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51WAVERING VOICE: # Baa baa, black sheep
0:04:51 > 0:04:54# Have you any wool?
0:04:55 > 0:04:59# Yes, sir, yes sir
0:04:59 > 0:05:02# Three bags full. #
0:05:03 > 0:05:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:09 > 0:05:12You know that Gareth didn't want you to sing Baa Baa Black Sheep
0:05:12 > 0:05:14as if you were a sheep, don't you?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17What do you ascertain from what he's just done?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Well, he can sing in tune and...
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Meh...
0:05:22 > 0:05:24..in the broadest sense.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Yeah, and making people feel comfortable
0:05:26 > 0:05:29and let's not start with the Mozart Requiem.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Let's start with Baa Baa Black Sheep as if frightened.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36So, what are you thinking of this claim of Gareth's?
0:05:36 > 0:05:37I think it's true.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Also you have to have a thing, if you're auditioning lots of people,
0:05:40 > 0:05:41you can't think about it with each one.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- You have to have a thing you ask everyone to do.- Yeah.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- I think we're saying it's true. - You think it's true? OK.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Gareth Malone, truth or lie?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52It is...
0:05:52 > 0:05:53- a lie.- Ah!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55APPLAUSE
0:05:57 > 0:05:59I really thought that was true.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Phill, it's your turn.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Ahem-hem.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11I am addicted to rescuing loose trolleys at my local supermarket.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Greg's team.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Supermarkets and trolleys, what do you think?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19How often do you do this, Phill?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21When I go shopping.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24In my experience at a lot of the supermarkets I've been to,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- there is a person who often deals with...- Yeah, that's Phill.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29LAUGHTER
0:06:29 > 0:06:32I'm just wondering has there ever been any tension between you
0:06:32 > 0:06:34and the trolley person at your supermarket?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37If the trolley person appears,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I hide behind a car.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44If you go past a canal and you see a trolley that's been chucked in,
0:06:44 > 0:06:48as is often the case in canals, will you attempt to retrieve that?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I may, I don't know. It depends how old it is.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53The thing is, the fear would be that an old trolley in a canal
0:06:53 > 0:06:57will not properly tessellate with a new trolley in a Waitrose.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01It depends when the trolley's been thrown in the canal, of course.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04It could have been recently thrown in, but you can't tell, really,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07until you've got it out and then if you try and make it mate...
0:07:07 > 0:07:09What if it's a Safeway trolley?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Safeway are no longer are in business.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14But they thought that about Labradors and poodles, didn't they,
0:07:14 > 0:07:15and somebody managed it?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18But can you imagine the psychological...?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Are you saying that it's going to be a Safe-Waitrose?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- So, is he telling the truth? - I think it's true.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- I, yeah, I think it's true. - You think it's true?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- Mm, Gareth does.- My respected colleague thinks it's true.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- Oh, thanks.- Hold on?!- Oh, sorry.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Yeah, well, I'm overruling both of them.- Oh, come on.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- I think it's a lie.- You're going to say it's a lie...- Yeah.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49..even though both members of your team think it's true?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- That's right.- That's a very, very irresponsible use of power.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Perhaps it is.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Lee Mack's not here. This is my bench and I tell you, it's a lie.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Why do you think it's a lie? What about that was unconvincing?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03It's irrelevant. I've made my decision.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06So you're saying that it's a lie?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Phill, were you telling the truth there or were you telling us a lie?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I was telling...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- the truth.- No!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16APPLAUSE
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Tell you what, Greg,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26this captaincy lark isn't as easy as it looks, is it?
0:08:26 > 0:08:30OK. Our next round is called This Is My,
0:08:30 > 0:08:32where we bring on a mystery guest
0:08:32 > 0:08:34who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Now, this week each of Greg's team will claim it's them
0:08:36 > 0:08:39that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:08:39 > 0:08:42and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45So, please welcome this week's special guest, Gareth.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47APPLAUSE
0:08:52 > 0:08:56So, Gareth Malone, what is this Gareth to you?
0:08:56 > 0:09:01This is my old neighbour, Gareth, and when I was learning a song
0:09:01 > 0:09:05he would distract me by singing the same song in his own flat
0:09:05 > 0:09:07but in a different language.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- Right, Richard Osman, how do you know Gareth?- This is Gareth.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13When he came to watch a recording of Pointless,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I had to ask for him to be moved away from the front row
0:09:16 > 0:09:19cos his behaviour was putting me off my statistics.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- And, Greg, how do you know Gareth? - This is Gareth.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29He was the rickshaw driver I once paid to pedal me home.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32By the time we arrived, he was so exhausted
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I let him stay on my sofa.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36LAUGHTER
0:09:36 > 0:09:38So, there we have it.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Gareth's synchronised singer,
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Richard's Pointless punter or Greg's shattered chauffeur.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- David's team, who do you want to start with?- Gareth.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53What language does he sing the song in, or does it vary?
0:09:53 > 0:09:54He was singing in English.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- So what were you singing in? - German.- Ah.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59What song?
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Um, I think, I think it was Bach's St Matthew Passion.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06That's what I thought it would be.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09So, how often did this happen?
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Enough for me to remember... to mention it now.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18If a neighbour was singing a song next door to me,
0:10:18 > 0:10:22the first thing I'd do would be to translate it back to English
0:10:22 > 0:10:25and then sing it as an off-putting kind of...
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Especially through a wall. That really cuts deep(!)
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- How does it go, Gareth? - I can't remember it in English.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34You don't really want to hear it, do you?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I'd like to hear it as if you're frightened.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39LAUGHTER
0:10:41 > 0:10:44# Da Jesus diese Rede vollende hatte
0:10:44 > 0:10:48# Sprach er zu...seine...Jungen...#
0:10:48 > 0:10:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:54 > 0:10:57And he was singing exactly the same song the other side of a wall?
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Yeah. I mean, actually, I think up a semitone.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- So he's your neighbour, he's also called Gareth?- Yeah.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07He's singing the same song in a different language
0:11:07 > 0:11:09and a semitone different.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11It's almost unbelievable, isn't it?
0:11:11 > 0:11:16Now, Richard, what was the behaviour in the front row...
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Yeah, I wanted to know that.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21..that Gareth did that was putting you off your stats?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I sit very close to the audience on Pointless,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26where my little desk is and there's an audience very close to me.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Xander is further away for contractual reasons.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32But lots of people come and see Pointless regularly and they know
0:11:32 > 0:11:35if they turn up early they can sit in the front row and Gareth is one
0:11:35 > 0:11:38of those people and there's a trick that people in the audience here,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I'm sure if you've been to lots of shows, know, that there's a way
0:11:41 > 0:11:44of getting yourself on a TV show, which is laugh in an unusual way.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- HIGH-PITCHED:- Ah-ha-ha-ha!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Sorry, sorry.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Carry on.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- Now Amanda will almost certainly be on the show.- Yeah.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56So, Gareth had a way of laughing.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Because you come for two shows, he didn't do it in the first show
0:11:59 > 0:12:01and in the second show he'd clearly developed a laugh
0:12:01 > 0:12:05that sounded sort of like a donkey braying sort of a laugh,
0:12:05 > 0:12:06every time something funny was said,
0:12:06 > 0:12:08so he did it, like, four times in a show.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Can we hear your version of the laugh?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13It'd be like a kind... Oh, God.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16It'd be kind of like a hee-haw-hee-haw.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17That sort of thing.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- Yeah.- And I could hear it all the way through
0:12:20 > 0:12:23and so in the first recording break I said to the floor manager,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26"Could you get him moved to the back?"
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Can I ask a question at this point?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32How did Gareth react, because if you were to pick somebody here and say,
0:12:32 > 0:12:34"Sorry, could you, could you go and sit over there?"
0:12:34 > 0:12:35they might be upset.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- I mean, how did he take it? - No, floor managers are very good.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39They always just say,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41"For camera reasons we need three more people at the back."
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- Oh, so he wasn't told what the reason was?- No, no, of course not.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- How do you think he feels now?- Yeah.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49He literally came up to me about three days later and said,
0:12:49 > 0:12:50"I know why they moved me.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53"They moved me because I was doing that laugh" and I said, "Yeah."
0:12:53 > 0:12:55In what context did he come up to you three days later
0:12:55 > 0:12:57and were you alarmed?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01During a recording, he sauntered up to you while you were halfway
0:13:01 > 0:13:04through reading out some information and went,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06"By the way, Richard, I know why I got moved the other day
0:13:06 > 0:13:09"and I know why security are coming for me now."
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Of course not. We have recording breaks and stuff like that.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Right. OK, so during a recording break, he went,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18"I know why. I'm laughing normally now."
0:13:19 > 0:13:21All right, David, what about Greg?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25So, Greg, tell us your story.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Not your whole life, you know. Just...
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Just the rickshaw bit.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34I had a very big celebration in the centre of town.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Ooh, where?- What reason?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I was celebrating leaving teaching.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42LAUGHTER
0:13:42 > 0:13:43OK.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47So I had a very big celebration just after my last night at school
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- which was ludicrously big.- OK.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54You emerge from the bar in question a little the worse for wear?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I was offensively drunk.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- A rickshaw?- Yeah.- Why?
0:13:59 > 0:14:04If I'm honest, I was showing off. It had been a day of showing off.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07How far did you have to take Gareth?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10He had to take me from Central London to Hounslow which is...
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Hounslow!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Yeah, it's something like.. It's just shy of ten miles.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16How much was it?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18It was £163.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- How long did it take, roughly?- Um...
0:14:23 > 0:14:25..I mean, I honestly don't know.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I thought you were waiting for the length of time.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31LAUGHTER
0:14:31 > 0:14:33- So, you arrive.- Yeah.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35You give him his money.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39When does the whole idea of offering him a bed for the night come?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42We didn't even discuss the money because I got off the bike,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45by which point I was incredibly sober, and I looked at his face
0:14:45 > 0:14:47and it was, er...
0:14:47 > 0:14:49It was grey.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I mean, I genuinely feared for his life, so I said,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53"Oh, my God, you must come in for a bit,"
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- and I made him a cup of tea." - LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:14:59WOLFWHISTLES
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Greg, Greg, Greg...
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Greg!- We're better than that, guys! We're better than that.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Where did he put his rickshaw?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- LAUGHTER - Is that a euphemism?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Very personal, very personal.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19How did it progress from the cup of tea to the sleepover?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Because, honestly, I was sober by the time I got home.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24He didn't say "cup of tea".
0:15:24 > 0:15:26He said, "Would you like to come in for a bit?"
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- Exhausted from the bit... - Biscuits! Biscuits!
0:15:29 > 0:15:31he fell asleep on the sofa.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Let's be clear, you've invited him up for a bit.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36You go in.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39What happens?
0:15:39 > 0:15:44After the cup of tea, I decided that he was clearly still very
0:15:44 > 0:15:47close to death, so I said, "Would you like to crash on the sofa?"
0:15:47 > 0:15:50And I'll give you an extra little detail.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52As he went past my front garden, he said, "What is that?"
0:15:52 > 0:15:56because I'd set fire to my teaching outfit before I'd gone out,
0:15:56 > 0:15:58when my friends first came round,
0:15:58 > 0:16:02and there was half of a trouser leg left.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06And Gareth saw it and went, "Is that half a trouser leg?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09"Has someone spontaneously combusted?"
0:16:10 > 0:16:14We need an answer, so, David's team, is Gareth
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Gareth Malone's synchronised singer,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21is he Richard's Pointless punter,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24or is he Greg's shattered chauffeur?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I've got a horrible feeling he's the Pointless punter.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- You think Pointless punter?- Yeah.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30See, I'm thinking rickshaw driver.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Yeah, the detail that Greg was giving was...
0:16:33 > 0:16:36The detail of the burned trouser leg is...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39That was like he'd forgotten himself and he was getting into his story.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41"Oh, this happened, I'm really excited."
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- You're discounting Gareth altogether?- Oh, completely, yeah.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49OK, so you're going for the two tall guys there, the two lanky dudes?
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- Hey! You know what, we're just two guys.- We're just two people, right?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- That's what we are. - The two lamp posts there.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58LAUGHTER
0:16:58 > 0:17:00So, David, what are you going to say?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- I'm going to... because I genuinely don't...- You're abstaining?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06I'm going to go with the team captain's final decision.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09If I had a gun to your head though, Amanda, and don't rule it out...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- ..who would you go for?- Greg.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15You'd go for Greg. All right.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Or Richard.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- What do you think?- I think Greg.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- You think Greg, now?- Oh, no! - We'll say Greg. We'll say Greg.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25They're saying that it is Greg.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Gareth... - He's a Pointless contestant.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Could you please...
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- I've taken your answer! - Yeah, I know!
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Would you now observe the rules of the game
0:17:34 > 0:17:37and please treat this with a little more respect?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Gareth, would you please reveal your true identity.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- My name is Gareth and I once distracted Gareth.- Oh!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Yes, Gareth WAS Gareth's synchronised singer.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- Gareth, thank you very much indeed. - Thank you.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies
0:18:09 > 0:18:12and we will start with...
0:18:13 > 0:18:15It is Richard.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Every time I lock my front door, I squawk like a parrot.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22That way...
0:18:22 > 0:18:24LAUGHTER
0:18:27 > 0:18:29That way, if I later worry that I didn't lock it,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I remember the squawk and know that I did.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35David's team.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Quite genuinely, I think that makes perfect sense.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40As someone who's slightly OCD about locking stuff,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43what you need is to remember the moment when you knew it was locked...
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Yes.- ..and a squawk of a parrot's as good as anything else.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Give us a squawk.- WAAAK!
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- PHILL:- Yeah. I can see the door now.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Although, I'd get confused and maybe
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I'd think, "Oh, I squawked and I didn't lock it."
0:18:55 > 0:18:57No, you squawk after you lock.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- Oh, OK.- It goes, lock, squawk.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02And your doorway - I don't know your doorway -
0:19:02 > 0:19:04but are you in view of neighbours?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Have you ever been witnessed doing this?
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Well, I'm in hearing view of neighbours that side.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Hearing view?!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13LAUGHTER
0:19:13 > 0:19:14I mean...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Whatever the word for "hearing view" is.- Earshot!
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- Richard, you're coming out of the house, OK?- Yeah.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25You're reaching into your pocket to get your keys.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- Act it out for us. - Shall I be the door?
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- Yeah, why don't you...- This is going to be the worst mime ever.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33LAUGHTER
0:19:35 > 0:19:38There's my key.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Are you going to penetrate Gareth with that?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43LAUGHTER
0:19:46 > 0:19:48If you don't want me to do it, I won't do it.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50No, we want you to do it.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58WAAAK!
0:20:00 > 0:20:02APPLAUSE
0:20:08 > 0:20:11No, I don't believe him anymore.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- No, the squawk was too nonchalant. - Yeah, it was, wasn't it?
0:20:14 > 0:20:18What you need is the OCD focus. The squawk is your point of remembrance.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20You just squawked like you were saying goodbye to the door
0:20:20 > 0:20:22in parrot language.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26By and large, it's quite perfunctory, I'll admit to that.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29It's kind of plausible cos it's him and he's a bit of an odd bod.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30- What?!- What?!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32What on earth has given you that opinion?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Well, he's so tall.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38You know you're saying this in hearing view of me, don't you?
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Maybe he does a different bird and that's what's going to happen to us.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45He'll say, "Oh, I don't do a parrot. I do this one."
0:20:45 > 0:20:48KOO-KOOKOO-KOO, KAKA-KA!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50What bird is that?!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52I don't know, but it's in all the Tarzan films.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55It's also reminded me I turned the gas off when I left the house,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57so thank you.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:04 > 0:21:06What do you think? Is it the truth?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I can't believe you do that much stuff when you go out.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I didn't buy the nonchalant squawk.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I don't think it's true of Richard.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19OK, Richard, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21It is...
0:21:21 > 0:21:23a lie.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25APPLAUSE
0:21:27 > 0:21:30It's a lie. Next.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33It's Amanda.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39I spent years making sure I didn't step on my imaginary pet rabbit.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40When I finally got a real rabbit,
0:21:40 > 0:21:44I did just that with disastrous consequences.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Greg's team. - What was his name or her name?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Brian or Henry, I can't remember cos it was a long time ago.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Did you have more than one imaginary rabbit?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56No, just one, Greg, come on!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58LAUGHTER
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Where did the rabbit live?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Was he in a hutch in the garden or was he
0:22:01 > 0:22:04one of those rabbits that's allowed to romp through the house?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07He was on the bottom step of the stairs.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10The imaginary rabbit lived on the bottom step of the stairs?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- Of the stairs.- And where did you step on the real rabbit?
0:22:13 > 0:22:17I was in the garden and we used to let my pet rabbit run around.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19It was snowing so there was white everywhere.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22He was a black rabbit and I used to run around with him
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- and he ran under my foot and I trod on him.- In the snow?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- Yeah, and he died.- Oh, I'm so sorry.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Why are you laughing?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- Did stuff come out of his mouth?- Oh!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36AUDIENCE GROANS
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- Lee would never have asked that.- No.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I never thought I'd say it, David, but I miss him.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57When you got your new rabbit, what was your new rabbit called,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- the real rabbit, what was it? - Elvis.- Elvis?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Do you remember where you were when you heard that Elvis had died?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Yeah.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15You've got to ask yourselves this - does she look like a rabbit killer?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Me, I say yes, she does.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20But does she to you? That's the key thing here.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- Well, I've got a very firm idea. - I thought you might.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- You had a very firm idea last time, though.- I've learned my lesson.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I'm beginning to realise how this programme works
0:23:28 > 0:23:32so, Gareth, what's your opinion, I'm genuinely interested,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34LAUGHTER I'm...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36No, I don't know.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Oh.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Richard?- I think true. - You think true?
0:23:42 > 0:23:46OK, I don't think true based on the not being able to remember the name
0:23:46 > 0:23:49of her own imaginary friend,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51but casting vote.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Oh, gosh, all right, OK, I'm going to go, true.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Then, against my better judgment,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00we, as a team, will say that
0:24:00 > 0:24:05that quite clearly rubbishly nonsensical story is true.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08You say it's true? Amanda, truth or lie?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- True.- Yes!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Yes!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Well done, guys! - That's team work.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Yeah, it's true.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Next.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25It is Greg.
0:24:28 > 0:24:34I once invented a language so I could speak to my sister in secret.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I even gave this language its own name.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43What's the name of the language?
0:24:43 > 0:24:47It is not a word...
0:24:47 > 0:24:49that you will have heard of
0:24:49 > 0:24:51and the word is Cushin.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- Cushin. What?- Cushin.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- So like, like "cushion" but Cushin?- Yeah.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- And could you say something in Cushin?- Yeshk.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01LAUGHTER
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- What, what...? - Could you say something more?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Is that what "yes" is in Cushin?
0:25:06 > 0:25:10I didn't claim that the language was sophisticated.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15I would say you're arbitrarily adding a sort of "shk" sound.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- So do a sentence.- OK.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Um...
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Ashkiminsh...
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Ishk amshk...
0:25:26 > 0:25:28LAUGHTER
0:25:28 > 0:25:31It's obviously been a long time.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I lushkly am enjoyshkink...
0:25:35 > 0:25:38..thisk experienshk of Would I Lieshk To You?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41You sound like the chef on Sesame Street.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43If it's so simple, what did I say then?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46You said, "I am loving the experience of Would I Lie To You?"
0:25:46 > 0:25:48No, I didn't, I said I am largely enjoying the experience
0:25:48 > 0:25:50of Would I Lie To You?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53So it lookshk like it's not as shimplesk as you thinkshk!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Where did the name for this language, Cushin, come from?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I honestly can't remember.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09But it was called Cushin and I can tell you part of the language
0:26:09 > 0:26:11and, I'm afraid I can't explain this to you,
0:26:11 > 0:26:15would be sometimes mid-sentence, sometimes at the end of a sentence,
0:26:15 > 0:26:19just to loudly proclaim, "Cushon!"
0:26:19 > 0:26:21LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:26Cushin is talking with random "shks" if you can squeeze them in,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28and occasionally going "cushon!"
0:26:28 > 0:26:32in the middle or at the end of a sentence?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35You know, my parents...
0:26:36 > 0:26:38My parents didn't...
0:26:40 > 0:26:42They didn't work out Cushin,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45as simplistic as you clearly think it is, they didn't work it out.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48They didn't work it out when you when you said,
0:26:48 > 0:26:52"Ishk wantshk to goshk to the shopshk?"
0:26:52 > 0:26:54They went, "What on earth is he saying?" Oh, my God!
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Hang on, David.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Cushon!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03So, David, he's been quite fulsome, lot of detail,
0:27:03 > 0:27:05but is it the truth or is it a lie?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07What do you think?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Well, I believed him up until the point he went "Cushon!"
0:27:09 > 0:27:13- and then I...- He's enjoying "Cushon!" far too much.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Although he could be enjoying it with the fact that his sister
0:27:16 > 0:27:18is watching their secret language being outed.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20She won't dislike it.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22She'll be ashkolutelyshk delightedsk.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:27 > 0:27:32And that, my friends, so far is the biggest "Cushon!" of them all.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37It's not inconceivable but it is unlikely.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39What do you think, truth or lie?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- Lie?- Lie, let's do it.- Lie.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44You're saying it's a lie. OK, Greg, truth or lie?
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Ishk washk tellingshk...
0:27:48 > 0:27:50- the truthsk.- Oh!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53- Cushon!- Cushon!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55APPLAUSE
0:27:55 > 0:27:57BUZZER SOUNDS
0:27:57 > 0:28:00And that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03I can reveal that Greg's team have won by four points to two.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:07 > 0:28:10But, of course, it's not just a team game.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14My individual liar of the week this week is Gareth Malone.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16APPLAUSE
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Gareth Malone.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Something those military husbands might want to think about
0:28:20 > 0:28:23next time they leave you alone with their wives.
0:28:23 > 0:28:24Good night!