0:00:19 > 0:00:22APPLAUSE
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You? -
0:00:26 > 0:00:28the show that says, "If it looks like a lie
0:00:28 > 0:00:31"and sounds like a lie, then it's probably true."
0:00:31 > 0:00:34On David Mitchell's team tonight, he's the comedian's comedian
0:00:34 > 0:00:36and the hairdresser's nightmare,
0:00:36 > 0:00:37it's Paul Foot.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:40 > 0:00:43And the star of Getting On, where she plays a nurse
0:00:43 > 0:00:47whose jobs include bathing old people and emptying their bed pans.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Forgive me if I don't shake hands, it's Jo Brand.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:53 > 0:00:58And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a survival expert
0:00:58 > 0:01:02who can kill, skin and gut a rabbit in seconds.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04That's the last time I take him to a petting zoo.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06It's Ray Mears.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:09 > 0:01:11And a stand up comedian
0:01:11 > 0:01:14who, until a few years ago, used to live with her nan.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Must have been a bit awkward for her to bring young men home
0:01:16 > 0:01:19what with her granddaughter being there all the time.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20It's Roisin Conaty.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:23 > 0:01:26And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths,
0:01:26 > 0:01:28where our panellists each read out a statement
0:01:28 > 0:01:30from the card in front of them.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35they've no idea what they'll be faced with,
0:01:35 > 0:01:38and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- And Jo is first up tonight.- Right.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46"Once, on Christmas Day, I was forced to hitch hike my way home
0:01:46 > 0:01:49"and was picked up by four different drivers."
0:01:50 > 0:01:51- CHUCKLING - Lee's team.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Where were you going from and to?
0:01:53 > 0:01:57I was going from London down to Hastings.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58How old were you?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Er, I was about 17 and a half.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03And because nothing was running on Christmas Day or you were skint?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06No, well, what happened was I was meant to go home
0:02:06 > 0:02:08on Christmas Eve but I missed the last train.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- So you started your journey in London?- I did.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- And how long did it take to get picked up?- Um...
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- For the first bit.- Not long actually. 10 minutes...ish.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18And he said?
0:02:18 > 0:02:19"Would...would you like to come back
0:02:19 > 0:02:22"and have Christmas lunch with me? I'm very lonely."
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- Seriously, he said that?- Yeah.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25What sort of a man was he?
0:02:25 > 0:02:29He was a gay man in his mid 70s.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30How far did you go with him?
0:02:30 > 0:02:31LAUGHTER
0:02:31 > 0:02:33No! Whoa, no, no, no, no.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I mean how far on your journey did you go?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39He drop... I think he drove me about 10 miles.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- Right.- Something like that. - So that's the first person.- Yeah.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43And then do you remember the second one?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- Er, a woman...- Yes.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48..who picked me up round about the Eltham area, I think.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Oh, I like a euphemism early on in the show.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- ALL LAUGH - Sh... Sh...
0:02:55 > 0:02:58We've all been picked up in the Eltham area, haven't we?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Actually you're more accurate than you realise.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03She actually did make a pass at me.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04You... This is two now!
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Well, um, she said, "Where do you want to go?"
0:03:10 > 0:03:13And I said, "Down to the coast, please."
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Oh, my God.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Oh, oh.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Did she go down to the coast?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Well, what she actually did was she put her arm round my neck
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and tried to kiss me.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26She didn't. What had led her to believe that this was
0:03:26 > 0:03:27a possibility? What had happened?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29The mistletoe on the wing mirror?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31LAUGHTER
0:03:31 > 0:03:33So she tried to kiss me,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I opened the door and got out of the car,
0:03:35 > 0:03:36- and ran away.- Ah, so that's...
0:03:36 > 0:03:38That explains the second story.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Right, now get to the third one.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- What happened?- The third... The third guy was deaf.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46LAUGHTER
0:03:47 > 0:03:48He...
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I'll tell you what, if this turns out to be a lie, you deserve a medal
0:03:51 > 0:03:53for the...
0:03:53 > 0:03:56For making this as least plausible as possible en route to the story.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- But, OK, so he's deaf.- Yeah.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Right.- And so, I...
0:04:00 > 0:04:04I had to write down where I wanted to go.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- And you said Hastings on the card? - Yeah.- What did he say?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10He didn't say anything, he just started driving.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- Oh, my God.- That's a bit menacing, isn't it?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14He didn't look scary.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15And who was the fourth?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17The fourth was a farmer.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22He said that he was fed up with his family,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25so he took me all the way to Hastings from London.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28So he's having a bad day on Christmas Day
0:04:28 > 0:04:30and decides he'd rather drive you to Hastings.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Well, he said that he'd told his wife he was going out for a paper.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38That's the end, really,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40cos he dropped me off where I was going.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Did you invite the man in for a mince pie or something?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- No.- You didn't even invite him in?
0:04:46 > 0:04:47No.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- Do you think that's a bit weird? - I don't.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I think it's the weirdest bit of the story.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00He's given you a lift all the way to Hastings on Christmas Day.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03He's the only one who hasn't made a sexual pass at you.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05He's been entirely honourable.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Just give him a little bit of a mince pie and some brandy butter.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12So, what do you think? There's a lot of detail in there.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- I think it's not true.- Based on?
0:05:14 > 0:05:15I think she's just...
0:05:15 > 0:05:18It's got too many characters, like a Tarantino film.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22The bit I'm doubting is that...
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Wouldn't you just write on a piece of paper, "Hastings"
0:05:24 > 0:05:26and hope someone's going there, rather than,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"Anyone going sort of that way,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30"and I'll keep getting out and getting out?"
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Have you ever hitch hiked?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34You sound very idealistic about it all.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37"Well, I'm not getting in a car until they're going to Hastings.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41"I don't care what day of the year it is."
0:05:41 > 0:05:43"Hastings, no."
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Paul does have a point.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47That's not how it works.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49You just go a little bit, and then maybe...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51And that's part of the fun of hitch hiking.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Rob, don't try and pretend to me you've ever hitch hiked.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I know you well enough to know.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Getting at the back of a Mercedes once a week is not hitch hiking.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I've seen it in films though.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- So Ray think's it's true.- True.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07It's got to be true. Too wacky to be made up.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08You think they're too wacky to be made up,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10you think it's too wacky to be true.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Yeah, I think she enjoyed making them up.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14So what's it going to be then, Lee?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16OK, well, we'll say...
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Be it on your head, Ray, but we'll say it's the truth.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Saying it's the truth. OK. Jo Brand, truth or lie?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25It is...
0:06:25 > 0:06:26..true.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27APPLAUSE Ah!
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Yeah, it is true.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Jo did have to hitch hike home on Christmas Day
0:06:34 > 0:06:36and was picked up by four different drivers.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Paul, you're next.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- Oh, dear. - LAUGHTER
0:06:41 > 0:06:44"I am absolutely repulsed by beards."
0:06:46 > 0:06:48AUDIENCE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:06:54 > 0:06:56"When my friend grew a beard,
0:06:56 > 0:07:00"I changed my phone number so he couldn't contact me."
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Right, there we are. Lee.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- What's his name?- His name is Ben.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Ben. And what did Ben do?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Well, he used to be a child.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Then, when he got older, he was a tree surgeon.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Right.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22So, what is it about beards that you find so repulsive?
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Well, it's just...
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Like...like the idea of touching a beard is horrible
0:07:28 > 0:07:31and it can't be hygienic.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32I mean there must be dirt in it.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Well, look to your left.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I think you'd have to go a long way
0:07:36 > 0:07:40to find a better, more respectfully kept beard
0:07:40 > 0:07:41than David Mitchell's.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45But David Mitchell can afford to have a beard cleaning person.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER
0:07:47 > 0:07:50The average beard person just... They don't ever wash it, do they?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52It's all dirty. Bits of egg in there and all sorts.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- You would never consider a beard then, obviously?- Oh, no. I...
0:07:55 > 0:07:57But on a windy day,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00surely those bits of hair around the side of your head
0:08:00 > 0:08:02are going to go over your face,
0:08:02 > 0:08:03cos that's quite long hair you've got.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- But they're all lovely and soft. - Well.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Whereas, with a beard, it's all scratchy and thick hair.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I imagine David's beard isn't scratchy,
0:08:12 > 0:08:18I imagine David's beard is comforting, soft and welcoming.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19And I invite you now...
0:08:22 > 0:08:24..to enjoy David's beard.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I mean, strictly speaking it's not your invitation to give.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31But you would be doing a great service to Paul,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33who's obviously a troubled young man.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- No, I would be honoured were Paul... - Paul, please.- ..to fondle my face.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Paul, knock yourself out.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Leave it to me to invite him.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Go ahead if it would give you pleasure.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43It does not give me pleasure, that's the whole point.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I hate it, but, you know...
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Oh, he's doing it. He's doing it.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51He's do...
0:08:51 > 0:08:54If this is going to make you throw up, I...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56We can both do without that footage on YouTube.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Did you tell your friend why you changed your number?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Oh, no, well, what happened is...
0:09:02 > 0:09:05He just... He used to have a smooth face,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07then he grew... And it was a massive beard,
0:09:07 > 0:09:10and it was all really long, and really unkempt
0:09:10 > 0:09:12you know, like all long.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14And then I just couldn't deal with it.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16And you've never seen or heard from him since?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Well, I can't, because he hasn't got my number.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19He can't contact me.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21When was this, Paul? How long ago?
0:09:22 > 0:09:232010.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26That's a long... Oh, sorry, I thought you were going to say years.
0:09:26 > 0:09:292010 years after the birth of Christ, is that...?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I mean, you've picked a good example.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34If you saw an image of Jesus Christ,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36would you have problems looking at his beard?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Or does it have to be a friend in your personal space?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Well, I mean,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Jesus isn't my friend in that way.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- He is, Paul.- Yes.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49And he's yours too.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:09:51 > 0:09:52But not yours, Lee.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57All right, so what's it going to be, Lee? Is it true or is it a lie?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59What do we think?
0:10:00 > 0:10:01True.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Absolutely every word of it.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- It's a lie. It's got to be a lie. - You've done the opposite again.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13OK, so you're saying it's a lie, you're saying it's true.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- True.- I'm going to go for true. - You're going to say it's true.- Yeah.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19OK, Paul Foot, was that true or was it a lie?
0:10:19 > 0:10:20It is...
0:10:20 > 0:10:21true.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- APPLAUSE - Oh, very good.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Yes, it's true, Paul is repulsed by beards
0:10:28 > 0:10:30and did change his phone number
0:10:30 > 0:10:32rather than tell a friend he didn't like his beard.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- Ray, your turn.- Hmm.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- HE MUTTERS:- What have we got here?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39"To hone my tracking skills,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41"I used to secretly follow joggers in the woods."
0:10:41 > 0:10:43LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:47- David.- Which woods?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49That was in south London back then.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51South... The woods of South London?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- ALL LAUGH - It could have been lots of places.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56What you're saying is a park.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57You followed joggers in the park.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59A park, yes.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I've jogged through the woods in South London.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- I never followed your tracks, Jo. - No, well, I only jog at 0.03mph,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07so I'd be following you.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12What does tracking involve, can you tell me?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Yeah, you're following the marks and disturbances
0:11:15 > 0:11:18that animals, or people, or anything leaves as it moves along.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22So what is the evidence of a recent jogger?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25It can vary. So, for example, if...
0:11:25 > 0:11:26It depends what the jogger's wearing.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Probably running shoes.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32But they might have, for example, shorts on or long trousers.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Right, here's a question, imagine they've got shorts on,
0:11:34 > 0:11:35what would they leave?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Well, then they would avoid maybe stinging nettles and brambles
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- as they're running on...- Whereas the ones with tracksuit bottoms on
0:11:41 > 0:11:43are just going right through the bushes.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46And you might even find fibres left on brambles
0:11:46 > 0:11:48as the person passes by
0:11:48 > 0:11:52that enable you to determine the colour of the garments
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- that they're wearing.- All right. - Can I ask you a question?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Have you thought of getting a PlayStation?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- No.- Just checking.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03So you could find... If they're wearing trousers
0:12:03 > 0:12:06and are therefore crashing through the nettles and brambles,
0:12:06 > 0:12:07you can find fibres.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10And if it's wet, you can see footprints.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Mm-hm, this is true.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15What if they're not wearing trousers and it isn't wet? What...
0:12:15 > 0:12:18If they're not wearing trousers, they're probably not a jogger.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Basic rule, trousers - jogger, no trousers - dogger.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22That's how I remember them.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Very basic system.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29You've got to have a system for these things, haven't you?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32So, when you're arriving at the woods
0:12:32 > 0:12:34long after the joggers have gone,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38what do you look for first as the start of the trail?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40A muddy puddle, something like that,
0:12:40 > 0:12:41where there's a clear footprint.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44But then you're trying to establish maybe the height of the person
0:12:44 > 0:12:46that you're running... Their personality even shows.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- Their personality?!- Their personality shows and...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51What like things like, oh, they like jogging?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Whether they're... Yeah, whether... Yeah, exactly.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55- No.- Best way you can learn, isn't it?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Whether they're listening to music or...
0:12:57 > 0:12:59How do you tell if they're listening to music?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02You can get a different...get a different thing in the trail.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Can you tell what they're listening to from the rhythm of their footprints?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07You go, "Oh, this jogger's listening to samba music."
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- I'm dying to know.- I can't yet determine what music they're listening to.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- How do you know they listen to music?- People move differently.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- Rubbish.- Seriously.- Nonsense.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20So, David, what are you going to say, is it the truth?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23What do you think, Jo?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Well, I think it's plausible.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28It's certainly a very complete story. What do you think?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I think he does do it.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Well, I think, we think it's true, then.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- You think it's true?- Yeah.- OK.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Ray Mears, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie?
0:13:38 > 0:13:39It's a truth.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Well done. Well done, us.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Yes, it's true.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Ray did used to secretly follow joggers in the woods
0:13:48 > 0:13:51to hone his tracking skills.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Our next round is called This Is My...
0:13:53 > 0:13:54where we bring on a mystery guest
0:13:54 > 0:13:57who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59This week, each of David's team will claim it's them
0:13:59 > 0:14:01that has the genuine connection to the guest,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07So, please welcome this week's special guest, Andy.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09APPLAUSE
0:14:14 > 0:14:18So, Jo Brand, what is Andy to you?
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Er, this is Andy, and he once helped me
0:14:22 > 0:14:26break into an ex boyfriend's house
0:14:26 > 0:14:29through the dog flap so I could steal all his pants.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Right. Paul, how do you know Andy?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36This is Andy.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39He is a great believer in telekinesis,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42and, together, we conduct experiments
0:14:42 > 0:14:46to try and move objects with the power of our minds.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49OK. And finally, David, what's your relationship with Andy?
0:14:49 > 0:14:50This is Andy.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54I once accidentally nudged him into a fountain..
0:14:54 > 0:14:55LAUGHTER
0:14:55 > 0:14:58..whilst trying to take a photo of a tank.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Well, there we are.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Jo's fellow pants pincher,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Paul's psychic sidekick, or David's fountain friend.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- Lee, where do you want to start?- Jo.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Mm-hm.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Just talk us through the incident again.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Well, I was probably about 18-ish, something like that, and, Andy...
0:15:16 > 0:15:20You'd just got in from a long hitch, had you?
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Yeah.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Um, and Andy is a friend of mine.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28I was going out with this bloke who was a millionaire.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32We went to a party next door to his house.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36- He ended up snogging someone else at this party.- Oh, right.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Who did he snog?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41A woman with blonde hair. I can't remember her name.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Roisin.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46So I was quite cross,
0:15:46 > 0:15:48and I just wanted to...
0:15:48 > 0:15:51do something to make my feelings...
0:15:51 > 0:15:54And you decided to go through the dog flap?
0:15:54 > 0:15:55- Yeah.- What kind of dog did he have?
0:15:55 > 0:15:56A St Bernard.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- SHE LAUGHS - No, he didn't.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02ALL LAUGH
0:16:02 > 0:16:06No, he had...he had a fat Scottie dog.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Like a Highland terrier?
0:16:07 > 0:16:08- Yeah.- They're tiny.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I know, but I was thin at the time. I was thin when I was a teenager.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14No, no, no. You might have been thin but you weren't like 1ft high.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Terriers are like...big cats.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17I didn't walk straight through.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23- I wriggled through it.- Wriggled? - Yeah.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25What did Andy... What was Andy's part in this?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Andy's part in it was that he helped push me through
0:16:28 > 0:16:30from the garden side.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33See, not as easy now, is it? You needed a friend to get you through the tiny...
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- Well, a bit, yeah. And he kept watch in case...- In case what?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39The neighbours noticed.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Yeah, best way to stop anyone noticing
0:16:40 > 0:16:43someone going through a dog flap is to have someone stood up next to it.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Yeah, a complete stranger standing next to the door's a bit suspicious.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- Well.- When you got in the house, what did you do?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- Went to his bedroom.- Yeah.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Got all his pants out of the drawer...
0:16:54 > 0:16:57..and all his pants out of the washing basket.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Ah!- Threw them out into the garden,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02and then we went and chucked them in a bin,
0:17:02 > 0:17:04and then went to the pub or something.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Why pants? If he's a millionaire, why didn't you...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08If you broke in and risked getting arrested,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10why didn't you steal something, or break something,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12or write on, like, a painting?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Because a bit of me wanted to do something
0:17:15 > 0:17:19that he would think was a bit weird, and possibly not know it was me.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Did he ever find out?
0:17:21 > 0:17:22I never saw him again.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- You don't know to this day if he...? - ..blamed the dog.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- He knows now.- He knows now, yeah.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Well, hopefully he's dead, so he doesn't.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30ALL LAUGH
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Joke, everyone.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36The good thing is, Jo...
0:17:38 > 0:17:39..as long as you've moved on.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41LAUGHTER
0:17:44 > 0:17:45- Blimey.- Right.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Who else would you like to quiz?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50OK, Paul. So you believe it is possible to move an object
0:17:50 > 0:17:51with the power of thought?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Yeah. It's not just possible, we've done it.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- What things have you moved? - We moved a vase.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- You moved a vase?- A vase.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01How far did the vase move?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- About half an inch.- Right.- About?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05How many times have you done this, Paul?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08We've moved things about three or four times.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10What other things have you moved?
0:18:10 > 0:18:11We moved um,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14er, a crisp...crisp packet.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Well, they do...
0:18:16 > 0:18:17LAUGHTER
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Was the window open by any chance at all?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21No, it was full. It was full and there was no wind.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23There's no way that could have moved,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- It turned.- It turned.- No.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28How do you know it just didn't move on its own, without telekinesis?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Because if you put a crisp packet in conditions
0:18:31 > 0:18:32with no wind, it won't just turn.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34It could go on its own if it was Walkers.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35It's got air in it.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Or Skips.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Oh, Skips, yeah.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Can you move fruit?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Oh, hello.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50But, you know, I couldn't... It would take some time...
0:18:50 > 0:18:54It takes... And it doesn't work in this kind of environment
0:18:54 > 0:18:56with sceptical people watching,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59and everyone all just sort of judging. It involves...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Is it better with gullible people?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05No. No.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- You've moved a vase, a crisp packet. - Yeah.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- You said there were two others. What are they?- A remote control.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15A remote control. Remote control. And what was the last one?
0:19:15 > 0:19:16A cushion.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Have you ever visually seen anything move?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Or have you have closed your eyes, opened them and it's moved?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Yeah, we've always closed our eyes. - Yeah.- And...
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Do you know what? I think I know what's going on.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32No, but...neither of us moved, we're both at opposite ends of the...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Yeah, no, I know. I'm not doubting you Paul.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I'm just saying your friend Andy might be a bit of a charlatan.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40What about David?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Where did this happen then? Come on. Tell us all.
0:19:42 > 0:19:49It happened, er, in, er, at a military museum in France.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Military museum in France, you're taking a photograph of a tank.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- Hmm.- Which military museum in France?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57It was... It was called
0:19:57 > 0:20:01the Musee De Blande.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02AUDIENCE CHUCKLES
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Do you... What does that mean in English?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I think it means it's a museum of armour.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Right.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12He knows I can't argue with him. He could say anything.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Whereabouts in France?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I th... It's sort of... I think it's quite near...
0:20:16 > 0:20:19It's sort of in the middle-ish on the left.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21- Now you're talking my language. - Yeah.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24And what were you doing there?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Er, I was looking round the museum.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Museums... Tank museums?- Yeah. - Do you do this often?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- Well, we were, um...- We?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Me and I... I've got a wife now.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Wow.- I'm surprised... - It's definitely a lie.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40To be honest I'm...I'm surprised that's never come up on the card,
0:20:40 > 0:20:41you'd never have believed it.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- So... So this is quite recently? - It's, er... Yeah, last summer.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Last summer you said,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49"Darling, it's time for you to know the truth about me."
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Well, I'm...- "Now it's time to know the real me.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55"Museums, France. Come on."
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I knew you had a microphone in our bedroom.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02So, talk us through the incident with Andy
0:21:02 > 0:21:03and how that actually happened.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Well, um, outside the sort of front bit,
0:21:06 > 0:21:10there's like a piece of artillery and a tank.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15And, er, I wanted to take a picture of the tank, as well I might.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- You know.- What sort of tank was it, David?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20It was, um... It was a German tank.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Was it?- A tiger tank.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23- Yeah.- A tiger tank?- Yeah.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26So, you've taken a photograph of your grandad's tank,
0:21:26 > 0:21:27and um...
0:21:27 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER
0:21:28 > 0:21:30And then...
0:21:30 > 0:21:31LAUGHTER INTERRUPTION
0:21:31 > 0:21:33And have...
0:21:33 > 0:21:34How did it crop up?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I want to know the actual mechanics of how he ends up in the...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I've not taken the picture at this point.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I'm trying to get the tank in frame
0:21:41 > 0:21:43and I was backing away, you know, just slowly,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46and I, er... There's a... There was a sort of...
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- pondy, fountainy bit which people... - A what?- A pondy, fountainy bit.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Oh, right. I genuinely thought you were speaking French again.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- De ponde fountaine bit. - Fountainy bit.- Ah.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58And I...I just, um...
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- You backed into it.- I backed... I just sort of...with my elbow,
0:22:01 > 0:22:03and I don't know, he was obviously...
0:22:03 > 0:22:04He was obviously what?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07He was obviously... He was obv... I don't know, I was about to say.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I was about to see how that sentence finished myself, Lee.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Now I need another run up.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Here we go. This is what I want to know. You've backed into him.- Yeah.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15There can only be two things.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16He's either looking at you
0:22:16 > 0:22:19and, for some reason beyond anything, he just thought,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I'd better just stand here and be pushed into the fountain,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23or he's facing the fountain, in which case,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25why is a man facing a fountain so far...
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Was he weeing into the fountain?
0:22:26 > 0:22:27LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:31He was standing on the rim eating a baguette.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Ho-ho! Was he?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- OK.- Was he? Was he wearing a beret?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Did he have onions round his neck?
0:22:37 > 0:22:38No, no, no, no, no, no.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41How deep was the water into which he fell?
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Um, about 8ft.
0:22:42 > 0:22:448ft?!
0:22:44 > 0:22:45AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Not 8ft, not 8ft.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49It was about a foot.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51All right. We need an answer, so,
0:22:51 > 0:22:56Lee's team, is Andy Jo's fellow pants pincher,
0:22:56 > 0:23:01Paul's psychic sidekick, or David's fountain friend?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- David's fountain friend. - Do you think so?
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Without a doubt.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Well, please tell me at least there's a doubt.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08SHE LAUGHS
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I've never felt more confident.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Wow. Ray, are you of sound mind?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- I agree. I agree, I think. - You agree as well?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, it was David.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Lee, you're not as sure.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I'm not... I'm not sure it's David.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Usually I would have dismissed someone pretending
0:23:24 > 0:23:27that they've moved a vase half inch.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29There's something about Paul that makes me think,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31yeah, he looks like the kind of man who, in his own deluded mind,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34thinks he has done it, and which, in itself, is a truth, isn't it?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- If you think it's true, then it's true.- Yeah.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- But I think Jo's...- Pants. - ..story is the most likely
0:23:38 > 0:23:40because I've known Jo for some years,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42and I can confirm she is bitter and twisted.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43LAUGHTER
0:23:44 > 0:23:47So your two team mates say one thing, you say another,
0:23:47 > 0:23:51- what are you going to do?- We'll go with David's...ludicrous story
0:23:51 > 0:23:52and say that it was David.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54You're saying it's David, OK.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Andy, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Hi, my name's Andy
0:24:00 > 0:24:02and I helped Jo steal...
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- ALL:- Oh!- ..her ex boyfriend's pants.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06APPLAUSE
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Whoopie.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Ladies and gentlemen, Andy. Thank you very much.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies,
0:24:18 > 0:24:21and we start with...
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- BEEP - It's Lee.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29"A man from Brazil once taught me a very simple noise you can make
0:24:29 > 0:24:32"that will always stop a fox in its tracks."
0:24:32 > 0:24:34LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- David's team.- Can we hear the noise?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I'll be honest with you, it's a very instinctive thing,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43and without a fox, I, er...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- I'll be a fox. Ready?- Yeah.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- Ready?- Yeah.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48ALL LAUGH
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Can you do fox not reading a book?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54No, no, no, no. They know.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55- They know.- What's that?
0:24:55 > 0:24:56They know.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58You, you dumb...don't know.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- What's that?- Ready?
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Ready? OK.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04"Come on, Mr Lee, come on."
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- Oh.- Oh.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08"Stop me. Stop me, Mr Lee. Stop me."
0:25:09 > 0:25:13I didn't think this would give Rob an impression opportunity.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- "Come on, Mr Lee."- You can see him in the producers' room.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18"Could we change, um, bear to fox?
0:25:18 > 0:25:22"I can... I can do Basil Brush, I can't do a bear."
0:25:22 > 0:25:23They can't...
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Lee, they can't change what a Brazilian man once told you.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29ROB LAUGHS
0:25:29 > 0:25:31That's true.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32That is very true.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Oh, that was like something out of Poirot, wasn't it?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Did this happen in Brazil?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41It was in... It was in Brazil, yes.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43And what was... What was the noise?
0:25:43 > 0:25:44The noise was...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I might have to take a little drink to do it properly.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48I can only stop a fox if I've got water.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Not many people know this but...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56..the fox fears very few things.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57It's true, you know.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01But there is one animal...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04That's my bushy tail.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07There is one animal...
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- Come on.- ..that, if a fox hears... - Yes!
0:26:09 > 0:26:13..the tone is so weird to the fox it will scare the fox.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16And that beast, if I may call it a beast,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18is the dolphin.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:26:21 > 0:26:25And the noise that you make is simply the noise of the dolphin,
0:26:25 > 0:26:26which I will now demonstrate.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29The fox comes towards you... and a simple...
0:26:29 > 0:26:30IMITATES DOLPHIN SQUEAK
0:26:30 > 0:26:32..will stop the fox in its tracks.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Can I just ask you
0:26:40 > 0:26:44why would you want to stop a fox in its tracks anyway?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Foxes aren't aggressive. They don't run towards you...
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- Foxes are aggressive. - Foxes are aggressive.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- They gnaw at our recycling box. - Well, can I just say?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53They don't gnaw at my recycling
0:26:53 > 0:26:55because I have a letter box and this.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57IMITATES DOLPHIN SQUEAK
0:26:57 > 0:26:59They're off.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Was it a recycling gnawing scenario
0:27:02 > 0:27:04that the Brazilian man was giving you this technique...
0:27:04 > 0:27:06- No, no.- ..in order to avert?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08This was just one of those crazy, drunken nights in Rio
0:27:08 > 0:27:10that, er, I... I'll never forget.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11I'll never forget sitting there...
0:27:11 > 0:27:14I wasn't even talking really to this gentleman, and...
0:27:14 > 0:27:15PFF, he was smoking a big fat cigar,
0:27:15 > 0:27:17and he turned round to me and goes...
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- IMITATES ACCENT:- "If there's one thing that life has taught me...
0:27:22 > 0:27:24- "..this... - IMITATES DOLPHIN SQUEAK
0:27:24 > 0:27:26"..will always stop a fox in its tracks."
0:27:26 > 0:27:27And he did that.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30He blew the smoke into my eyes and we slept together.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31ALL LAUGH
0:27:33 > 0:27:34- Truth or lie?- Lie.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36It's a lie. OK, Lee...
0:27:38 > 0:27:40..the suspense is killing us.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Is it true?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45It is, in fact,
0:27:45 > 0:27:47a lie.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Yes, it's a lie.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Lee wasn't taught a noise
0:27:53 > 0:27:56that can always make a fox stop in its tracks.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57BUZZER
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Ah, that noise signals time is up.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59It's the end of the show.
0:27:59 > 0:28:04And I can reveal that David's team have won by 3 points to 2.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05APPLAUSE
0:28:07 > 0:28:08APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:28:08 > 0:28:10But it's not just a team game,
0:28:10 > 0:28:15and my individual liar of the week this week is Jo Brand.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16- APPLAUSE - Crikey.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Yes, Jo Brand,
0:28:19 > 0:28:23devious, calculating and shamelessly misleading.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26If she wasn't a comedian, she'd have made a hell of an accountant.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27Good night.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29APPLAUSE