0:00:22 > 0:00:25Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,
0:00:25 > 0:00:29the show where economising with the truth pays dividends.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30On Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:00:30 > 0:00:32an actress who's been in EastEnders so long
0:00:32 > 0:00:35they actually built the set around her.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37It's June Brown!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:40 > 0:00:44And a woman who studied French and Philosophy at university
0:00:44 > 0:00:47and is now a comedian and actress.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49That was 30 grand well spent.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50It's Aisling Bea!
0:00:50 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:56And on David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:56 > 0:01:00a stand-up comic who admits that he can't do up a tie -
0:01:00 > 0:01:02and by the look of him, can't use a hairbrush either.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04It's Seann Walsh!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:10And a football presenter who once did a charity bike ride
0:01:10 > 0:01:12from Newcastle to West Brom with Alan Shearer.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14They were only supposed to go to Sunderland,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16but Shearer insisted on finishing his anecdote.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18It's Adrian Chiles!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:25And so we begin, as always, with round one - Home Truths,
0:01:25 > 0:01:26where our panellists each read out
0:01:26 > 0:01:29a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34They have no idea what they'll be faced with
0:01:34 > 0:01:38and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Adrian, you're first up tonight.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I find nothing more relaxing
0:01:44 > 0:01:46than making scented candles.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Lee's team, what do you think?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52How long have you been doing this for?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I've been doing this for... Oh, about, about...
0:01:55 > 0:01:5620, 24 seconds?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58No...
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I've been doing this for about two years.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05What started you off? What happened two years ago
0:02:05 > 0:02:07that you were so stressed, this is what you took to?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I had a... A friend of mine from Birmingham
0:02:10 > 0:02:11was working in London during the week
0:02:11 > 0:02:15and he came and he said, "Oh, I've been making candles."
0:02:15 > 0:02:16And I went...
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Yeah, your regular Brummie start to a conversation.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- He said...- "All right, Adrian, yeah,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"I've just been making the candles, what have you been up to?"
0:02:24 > 0:02:26It was something like that, actually.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28He said there was a little shop near me in west London,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30where you can get all the candle making stuff
0:02:30 > 0:02:33and he told me how to do it and that sounds relatively simple.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37I've never been able to do anything practical, anything arty or crafty.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I thought, perhaps this is the one poxy little thing I could do.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I've genuinely never... How do you make a candle? What do you...
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- What does it come in, the...? - What you...- Shall I tell him?
0:02:45 > 0:02:46- Do you know?- Yes.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Do me a favour, don't tell him.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- What you do is this...- Yeah?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54You get, say you get a glass, say any...any glass
0:02:54 > 0:02:57and then you melt your wax and obviously, it's come solid.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00You melt it very gently in a saucepan, so it's liquid.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Where do you buy wax? Where do you go?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04From a candle making shop, from a candle making shop.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Well, I've never seen any candle making shops.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08No, neither had I, neither had I and I live...
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Oh, I've... I've seen one, there's one just down the road, just near the butcher's and the baker's.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13I... I've seen one of them.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16No, that's the candlestick maker!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18They're different?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- Obviously!- They make candlesticks, not candles.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23What's the difference between a candlestick and a candle?
0:03:23 > 0:03:24You don't mean a candle...
0:03:24 > 0:03:27A candlestick isn't some thing you... That's not a candelabra, you know.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31- That's a candle holder. - A candlestick is the thing you put the candle in, you idiot.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32- No, no, no.- Yes, yes, yes.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- A candlestick is a stick-shaped candle.- No, it's not.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I've always assumed that the candlestick maker was
0:03:37 > 0:03:40basically just the candle maker but they put the stick in for scansion.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45No, I think the candlestick refers to the stick...
0:03:45 > 0:03:46So you think that's the man...
0:03:46 > 0:03:49That's not the man that makes the butcher for everyday meat,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52baker everyday bread and the candlestick maker for...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Not the candles, you have to go out of town to get them...
0:03:54 > 0:03:57But, for the things you put the candle receptacles...
0:03:57 > 0:03:58- The opposite...- ..for the candles.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- I'm saying he makes the candles that are in the shape of a stick. - Oh, I'm with you.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- He's saying... The candlestick... - The candelabra.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05..refers to the candelabra,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07the actual thing that you put the candle in.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- I think...- The Candelabra is separate to a candlestick.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10What is a candlestick?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13A candlestick is a single stick you put a candle in!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16We've all had our say, let's refer to the expert.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17June?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Is a candlestick the candle, or the thing you put the candle in?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I'm afraid it's the thing you put the candle in.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24- The thing.- Damn!
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Get me Barbara Windsor!
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Anyway, Adrian, you were saying?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Yes, so you melt the wax
0:04:33 > 0:04:36and then you basically stick your wick in the...
0:04:37 > 0:04:39..in the middle.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42You stick your wick at the bottom of the jar,
0:04:42 > 0:04:43and then the wick sticks up.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46You might have to just hold the end of it, just to keep it stiff.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Then...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Then... I'm not making this up, honestly. Then...
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Right, you've got your wax and you've put your scent
0:04:54 > 0:04:57and your colour in the wax by this time and so...
0:04:57 > 0:04:59And then you just pour it into the cup and...
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Just to as high as you want it and then you let go and
0:05:03 > 0:05:04the wick stays where it is, then
0:05:04 > 0:05:06and then you've just got to let it cool down.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Right, now, now we know the process, June, is that how you make a candle?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- I don't know.- I do, actually.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I'm not going to go with this as being the truth
0:05:19 > 0:05:21just because he explained it, because if...if it's a lie,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I reckon he could have pretty much worked out you melt the wax,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26add a bit of string and it goes hard.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- No, but all those things like holding it...- He was quite, yes...
0:05:29 > 0:05:31..and knowing to... Those things...
0:05:31 > 0:05:33How would Adrian Chiles know that, otherwise?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35He did used to present The One Show.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- AS ADRIAN:- Coming up next, we've got a fascinating feature on candles.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43So what do you think - truth or lie?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- What do we think?- I think truth.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- You think it's true? - I don't think so.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48I think it's a lie,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50but don't take my word for it.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I'm going to go with whatever you say.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- Oh, don't do that.- I'm not putting any pressure on you.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- No, of course not. - Whatever you say, I will say.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Just go "one, two, three" and say something.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- OK. You're saying "true".- True.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08- ..three, true.- True.- True.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11True, but I've never been very good with timing, sorry.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13No, it's... Oh, it's a lie, but never mind.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14What?!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I was about to say "true"!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I was about to say "true".
0:06:19 > 0:06:21We're going to go with lie, I trust you.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24You're going to say "lie". OK, Adrian Chiles, candle maker -
0:06:24 > 0:06:25truth or lie?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27It is...
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- true.- Oh, I knew it!
0:06:32 > 0:06:37Yes, it's true. Adrian does find making scented candles relaxing.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- June, you're next.- Oh, crikey.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I once went skinny dipping
0:06:44 > 0:06:46with Sharon from EastEnders.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48David's team.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Where did you go skinny dipping?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- Greece.- And why were you on the beach
0:06:53 > 0:06:56with a co-star of the show?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Well, we had gone on holiday together
0:06:59 > 0:07:02and Tish was very worried, because of photographers, you see?
0:07:02 > 0:07:03And every time a camera went off -
0:07:03 > 0:07:05there weren't phones then, but there were cameras -
0:07:05 > 0:07:08and there's a flash, Tish would think she was being photographed.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10And we should say, June, that when you say "Tish",
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- that's Letitia Dean, who plays Sharon.- Yes, that's right.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15So Letitia stripped off for this skinny dipping?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Well, why are you so interested in that?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Why aren't you interested in me?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21LAUGHTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:25So, when was this happening?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Well, it was about 1988, I'd say...
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Right.- ..might have been '89.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32And why did you decide to go swimming naked,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35rather than wearing swimming costumes, as is conventional?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Because there was nobody else on this beach,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40except a lot of poles -
0:07:40 > 0:07:41well, not...
0:07:42 > 0:07:46They're people too, June, they're people too.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48..that were awaiting umbrellas.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Were you drinking?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51No.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53She was driving.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55She drove into the sea?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57My God!
0:07:57 > 0:07:58What are you thinking, David?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Well, I think this is basically a plausible story.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03People have been nude in their life.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Even I have, on occasion, been nude...
0:08:05 > 0:08:07David, David. Let's not, please.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I'd like to sleep tonight.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Have you ever been skinny dipping, David?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Is it something you've ever done?
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Um, no.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Unless...- You've never, never...
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Unless I pick up a card later that says I have.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Can I ask one more question, do you mind?
0:08:29 > 0:08:33What factor sun cream did you wear as you went in?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- I don't think I had any on.- Oh.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37It's not responsible really, is it?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- Well, I...- Again, this isn't The One Show.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42You're not presenting a feature on sun care.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- AS ADRIAN:- Do remember if you are popping in with your tinkle out,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48to cover up with a bit of sun cream.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Anyway, Giles Brandreth has been investigating teddy bears.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57So what are you going to say? What do you think, truth or lie?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00What do you think?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02If you're worried about cameras,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04it's not the first thing you think of -
0:09:04 > 0:09:05let's go and find a beach and get our kit off
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- and get in the sea in broad daylight.- Yeah.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- I think "lie". Lie. - I would go with "lie".
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- And..."lie". We think "lie". - You think "lie"?- Lie.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16OK. June, were you telling the truth
0:09:16 > 0:09:17or were you telling a lie?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I was telling...
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- the truth.- Ooh!
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Well done, that's very good.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Yes, that was true,
0:09:27 > 0:09:32June did go skinny dipping with Sharon from EastEnders.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Our next round is called This Is My...
0:09:34 > 0:09:35where we bring on a mystery guest
0:09:35 > 0:09:38who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:09:41 > 0:09:43that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:09:43 > 0:09:46and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48So please welcome this week's special guest -
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Marie.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51APPLAUSE
0:09:55 > 0:09:57So, Aisling,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59what is Marie to you?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01This is Marie.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03She once booked me a stripper
0:10:03 > 0:10:06and it went so badly that I spent the rest of the night
0:10:06 > 0:10:08trying to cheer him up.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09OK.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11June, how do you know Marie?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Well, I call her Mar-ee, you see,
0:10:14 > 0:10:17because Marie is going to play the young Dot
0:10:17 > 0:10:19in a spin-off of EastEnders
0:10:19 > 0:10:23called Dot Cotton - The Motorbike Years.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:28 > 0:10:29OK.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32And finally, Lee - what's your relationship with Marie?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34This is Marie.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37She once asked me to pop into her house
0:10:37 > 0:10:39to get rid of a spider.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Ten minutes later, she asked me to leave,
0:10:42 > 0:10:43because I was making matters worse.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47All right, there you have it.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Aisling's party planner,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50June's acting apprentice,
0:10:50 > 0:10:52or Lee's damsel in distress.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55David's team, where would you like to begin?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- Aisling, the...- Yeah?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Marie hired you a stripper?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Yes. Now she's my friend, one of my best friends, yeah.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- Right, and why? - It was my birthday party,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07and there was about 40 to 50 people in the room,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10and, er...then the silence came.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13And this wasn't just because people had nothing to say to each other?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- No, it...- This was... There was someone had gone...
0:11:15 > 0:11:18No, it wasn't one of your parties, David.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19So it goes quiet.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Then what happened?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23And out came a fireman.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27And I...I was in... I was in total shock
0:11:27 > 0:11:31and he gave a CD of his music
0:11:31 > 0:11:33to my flatmate.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Oh, so the CD wasn't already in the CD player?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- Oh, no it was, he had given it, so...- Oh, he had given it, right.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- So, yeah.- Right, so he didn't come in brandishing it, saying...
0:11:40 > 0:11:41No, he didn't come in.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45"Track five. Move it on to six when I get down to my pants."
0:11:47 > 0:11:50My flatmate put it into my laptop
0:11:50 > 0:11:54and at the time, every time my laptop got a new CD, it...
0:11:54 > 0:11:57After about seven seconds of music,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59it would automatically start writing the CD.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02You know, when it takes on the song?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05So this fireman came out. I was shocked and it started going...
0:12:05 > 0:12:07SHE HUMS A TUNE
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Silence.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12The music stopped as he was taking off his jacket.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- Yeah?- And I could see a sadness in his eyes.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17And what happened?
0:12:17 > 0:12:21He took out a banana out of his satchel and started to peel it.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- Oh, all right.- And he was, you know....- Easy now, easy.- ..and I...
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I looked at it and I was trying to eat healthier at the time
0:12:28 > 0:12:30and he gave it to me like this and I just went,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32"Oh, thank you very much." Om.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34And he was like, "No, you weren't supposed to eat it,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36"you're supposed to lick it", and I was like,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38"Oh, my God, I'm so sorry."
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I think I'm in the wrong programme.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46This poor little girl is standing here for ever,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48what's it got to do with her, I want to know.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50She... Marie booked me the stripper
0:12:50 > 0:12:52and she was also really disappointed...
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Oh, you naughty girls.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56..because they'd all chipped in a tenner
0:12:56 > 0:12:59and Marie had spent ages looking for, um...
0:12:59 > 0:13:02looking for a nice fit policeman
0:13:02 > 0:13:04and she opened the door and she was really disappointed,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07cos a little bit of a tubby fireman turned up
0:13:07 > 0:13:08and that is not what she'd ordered.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10So how did it end?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Oh, well, after the banana incident, he went for the next bit,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16which was the whipped cream and he covered himself in whipped cream
0:13:16 > 0:13:19and again, I was trying to... I'd cut out dairy out of my diet.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24He put it on his chest and that's covered in baby lotion as well,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26so I was a bit like, that's disgusting.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Because you didn't lick off the cream,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30that meant that he would have had to take that off,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- which is the saddest image... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37..of all time - a stripper, just upstairs, going, "Oh, God."
0:13:37 > 0:13:39But he put loads of it on him.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Do you think that's why he was so tubby,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43that he was for ever having to...?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45APPLAUSE
0:13:48 > 0:13:50All right, David,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52who would you like to move on to?
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Well... June,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56what's the broad outline of
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Dot Cotton - The Motorbike Years?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Well, they've done this before, haven't they?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02They had a young Lou and a young Ethel,
0:14:02 > 0:14:03years and years and years ago
0:14:03 > 0:14:06and they decided they'd have a young Dot,
0:14:06 > 0:14:08to show what she was like before she was married.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Dot, you see, she was apprenticed into hairdressing
0:14:12 > 0:14:13and what happened was,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16she used to go round on a motorbike with a sidecar -
0:14:16 > 0:14:18this was before she married Charlie.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20She met him, actually, because she nearly knocked him down
0:14:20 > 0:14:22with the motorbike and the sidecar
0:14:22 > 0:14:25and that's unfortunately how she met Charlie.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28So she used to go round to her customers on the motorbike.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Can I ask, have they filmed this yet?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33No, no, no, it's about to happen.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- Oh, I see.- You know what they're like and I don't know
0:14:35 > 0:14:37how many episodes it'll be.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40So what advice did you give Marie?
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Well, I explained about her foibles and her oddnesses, you know?
0:14:44 > 0:14:45And her precision, her...
0:14:45 > 0:14:49She's pernickety and she's quite difficult, really.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51She was quite nasty at the beginning.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54She's become so lovely now, I don't know what's happened to her.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55So anyway...
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Oh, I hope it's true now.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- That's really what it was... - Which it isn't, cos mine's true.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03You do both have lovely high cheek bones.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05So, Lee - how do you know her?
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Marie lives next door.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08What, she's your next door neighbour?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Well she's my next door neighbour's, um...nanny.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Right, OK.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Not grandmother, obviously. That would be crazy.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16How big was the spider?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20The spider was... Including the legs?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Yeah, oh, yeah.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26The spider was, I would say, about that big, with legs.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Well, did she come round and knock on the door, or...
0:15:28 > 0:15:31How did she alert you to the crisis?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34She, er... She came round and knocked on the door.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39What, leaving the children and the spider unattended?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- Yes.- And what were you doing?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I was at home just watching television, you know?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- Just like you do, watching a bit of...- So what time...
0:15:45 > 0:15:49- Bit of EastEnders, as it goes. - Well.- What time of day was this?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51(What time is it on?)
0:15:51 > 0:15:52- (7.30.- 7.30?)
0:15:52 > 0:15:55It was about 7.30 till 8.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58So it was in the evening and, erm, Marie knocks at the door...
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- LEE KNOCKS DESK - ..you go and answer the door...
0:16:01 > 0:16:02What did she say?
0:16:02 > 0:16:03She said...
0:16:03 > 0:16:06FRENCH ACCENT: "Lee..." She's French.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08She is!
0:16:08 > 0:16:12FRENCH ACCENT: "Lee, you must come very quickly."
0:16:12 > 0:16:13"Pourquoi?" I said.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20FRENCH ACCENT: "There is a spider in my house, I am very frightened."
0:16:20 > 0:16:22LEE GASPS
0:16:22 > 0:16:24"Mais oui," I said.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27So I said, "I'm not, you know,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30"I'm sort of watching Dot Cotton, my favourite, you know?"
0:16:30 > 0:16:33FRENCH ACCENT: "I don't know this character, I've only just arrived.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35"Last time I was here, it was Dirty Den."
0:16:35 > 0:16:38No, so we just made light conversation about, I just said...
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Yeah, you made light conversation despite her distress,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43despite the fact that she's leaving unattended children in a house
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- with an arachnid she finds terrifying.- Yeah.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- And so you go in the house...- Yeah.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Where's the spider?- Exactly.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56"Ou est la spider?" I said.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58And, she said...
0:16:58 > 0:17:00FRENCH ACCENT: "It's in the back room, in the back room."
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- Bathroom?- It's in the back room?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04No, that's what I said, I said, "No, it's bathroom," and she went,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06"Oh, thank you, I've learned something."
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- And then she went upstairs to the bathroom...- Yep.- ..and she said,
0:17:09 > 0:17:10"It's under that thing there."
0:17:10 > 0:17:12What... What was...?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14There was a little corner cabinet.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16She goes, "It's under there, it's under there", so I said,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19"Stand back," but I'm actually a bit frightened of spiders.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21So I was trying to play it cool, like I'll sort it out,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24but was terrified of what I might see.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27So I asked if she had any, er...
0:17:27 > 0:17:30like, brooms and stuff and she passed me the broom.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32So I get the stick and I try and move the thing
0:17:32 > 0:17:34and as I'm moving the thing,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36the vase that was on top fell over and smashed.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37AISLING GASPS
0:17:37 > 0:17:41- Now, that was just the start of my problems.- Oh, God.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Put it this way, have you ever seen that episode of Mr Bean
0:17:43 > 0:17:45where he tries to catch a spider?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- No.- Good, I'll use that then. So...
0:17:48 > 0:17:51APPLAUSE
0:17:54 > 0:17:57No. So I... So the vase smashes.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Now... Now the child comes in, sees me...- Oh, oh.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03I panicked, saw the broken vase, saw the child with no shoes on
0:18:03 > 0:18:06and just sort of went, "Whoa, whoa, get out!", like that -
0:18:06 > 0:18:08a bit, bit too assertively
0:18:08 > 0:18:10and the child started crying.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- ALL:- Aw...
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- FRENCH ACCENT: "Oh! Why do you make me cry so?"- Hang on...
0:18:16 > 0:18:17No, no.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18The child was not French.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21No, no, that's what I said. I said, he...
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Let me finish. I said, "Are they French children?"
0:18:24 > 0:18:26And she went...
0:18:26 > 0:18:28FRENCH ACCENT: "No, but you know, the parents are never here,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30"so they learn from me."
0:18:31 > 0:18:33It's unbelievable - three years old, never been to France,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36he's going... FRENCH ACCENT: "Boo-hoo, boo-hoo.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38"Why must I cry?"
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Horrible.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43What happened then?
0:18:43 > 0:18:44She shepherds them out, like that.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48So I got a bit more brave and I went over to the thing, like that now
0:18:48 > 0:18:50and I just go for it, I just pull it like that.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52The whole thing goes over, the drawer comes out
0:18:52 > 0:18:55and things spill all over from the top drawer
0:18:55 > 0:18:58and there's some awkward things in the top drawer,
0:18:58 > 0:19:02because I am in the bathroom that Marie uses,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04so it's her bathroom.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- I'm not going to go into detail. - What sort of awkward things?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- I don't want to embarrass her, but... - A Lee Mack video?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15APPLAUSE
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Some awkward things.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20And did you at any point actually see the spider?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Well, that's the funny thing. No, I didn't.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24But you know what size it was?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Yes. I did. Because she told me.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29She told me, didn't she?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31You described the size quite specifically.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Because I listen to women, Rob!
0:19:33 > 0:19:35That's the difference between me and you.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36That's why they go out with me,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38because I listen to what they have to say.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I don't always go, "Did you see me in Gavin and Stacey?"
0:19:40 > 0:19:43No, I'm interested in their lives, Rob -
0:19:43 > 0:19:45in their lives and their fears!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47It's not all about you!
0:19:47 > 0:19:50APPLAUSE
0:19:50 > 0:19:53All right, well, is Marie
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Aisling's party planning friend,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58June's acting apprentice,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01or Lee's damsel in distress?
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Well, I'm pretty sure that Lee doesn't listen to women, so...
0:20:06 > 0:20:07But what do you think?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Um, what Lee's saying is obviously, er...
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- It's just not true, is it?- No.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Dot Cotton - The Motorbike Years?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20No. Aisling's absolutely sold me on this.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25I can see you struggling with that banana, it's...unquestionably...
0:20:25 > 0:20:26What do you think?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Marie looks Irish, as well.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30There's something about her that's Irish.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- OK, we think it's... - You're going to say...?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- It's the stripper story. - You think it's Aisling? OK. Marie -
0:20:35 > 0:20:38would you please reveal your true identity?
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Sorry, er...
0:20:39 > 0:20:41LEE SPEAKS PRETEND FRENCH
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Je m'appelle Marie, et...
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I booked a stripper for Aisling's birthday!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Go on!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Do you know what? Genuinely, for a moment then, I thought,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05"Oh, it is me!"
0:21:07 > 0:21:08You're not French, are you?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11No, I just really wanted that story to be true.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Thank you very much, Marie.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Which brings us to our final round,
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Quick Fire Lies -
0:21:21 > 0:21:23and we start with....
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- BEEP - It's David.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I once accidentally left a goldfish
0:21:31 > 0:21:32on top of a petrol pump.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Lee's team.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- Hmm...- OK, when was this?
0:21:38 > 0:21:39About in the late '90s.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41The late '90s? That's quite old.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Where had you got this goldfish from, that you were
0:21:43 > 0:21:45at a petrol pump with it?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- I was basically in a car...- Uh-huh.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50..with some friends of mine
0:21:50 > 0:21:52and we were driving...
0:21:52 > 0:21:55We were driving back from the Edinburgh Festival
0:21:55 > 0:21:58and the goldfish had been a prop.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Is it in a bowl or a plastic bag?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02It's... It's neither.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- What's it in?- What? - It's in a sort of Tupperware.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08But it... But it's got water in, right?
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Yes.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- And holes in the top?- Yeah.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Yes, but none in the bottom.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17We stopped for some petrol
0:22:17 > 0:22:19and I fancied stretching my legs
0:22:19 > 0:22:23cos I was sitting in the passenger seat with a goldfish on my knee.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25You were travelling back with it on your knee?
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Well, what... How would you...?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I wouldn't be so selfish. I'd have gone by submarine and towed it.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33But I'm different to you.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I'm far more giving than you, David.
0:22:35 > 0:22:41I think you have an exaggerated idea of how wide Britain's canals are.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Because if you tried to take it by sea,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47the salt would have killed it, you barbarian.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Oh, it wasn't the salted goldfish?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51A salted goldfish is a starter.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53This was a pet.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- So you rested it on top?- Yeah.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Now talk us through what happens next.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Um, I get out of the car with the goldfish,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- put it on the petrol pump.- Again?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07No, no, no, I'm sort of... I'm rewinding a bit.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Oh, right. So all right, I'll rephrase the question.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Tell us what happens next, but before that, go back ten seconds.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Because quite frankly, that was the gripping bit of the anecdote,
0:23:15 > 0:23:17I'd like to hear it again.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19So go on - then you all get back in the car.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Yeah, and we drive off.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23How far had you gone?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I think it was...
0:23:25 > 0:23:26It was several miles.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I at this point realise,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31oh, I'm, I'm feeling sort of more comfortable
0:23:31 > 0:23:34and less sort of stiff and clammy than I had been
0:23:34 > 0:23:36for the first bit of the journey
0:23:36 > 0:23:39and then I realised, oh, hang on - we've left the goldfish behind.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42OK. What do you think, Lee? Is he telling the truth?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- June?- I mean, I don't see why it's so important, but I think...
0:23:45 > 0:23:46Well, I wouldn't say...
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I wouldn't say so much "important" as we were
0:23:48 > 0:23:51just engaging with the basic premise of the show.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54And what do you think then? Come on, now.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Well, now I... You've put me under pressure and now I realise
0:23:57 > 0:23:59what it's like to be a guest. I'm genuinely worried.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- There you are, you see what I mean? - It's horrible, isn't it?
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Don't make us do it, you do it. Now, what do you think?
0:24:05 > 0:24:09He hasn't made an actual decision since Series Four.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10I just relay what everyone else says -
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I didn't know I was going to be asked what I think!
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- June, we'll go for... The women will decide.- Oh.- Yes, brilliant.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17- All right, it's a lie.- Yes.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20You say it's a lie, you say it's a lie, in that case, "true".
0:24:20 > 0:24:21We could have asked the audience.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- We think it's a lie.- True or lie? You're saying "lie".- Lie.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25All right, go for a lie.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27So, David, the goldfish in the petrol station -
0:24:27 > 0:24:28truth or lie?
0:24:28 > 0:24:29It is...
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- true.- Oh, no!
0:24:31 > 0:24:34APPLAUSE
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Yes, it's true.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39David did once accidentally leave a goldfish on top of a petrol pump.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Next.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- BEEP - It's Lee.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45I found my girlfriend was cheating on me
0:24:45 > 0:24:47while I was bouncing on a trampoline
0:24:47 > 0:24:50and spotted her over the fence with another man.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51LAUGHTER
0:24:56 > 0:25:00What age did this traumatic event occur to you?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I was, er... 18.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03So what were they doing next door?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Well, you don't want to know that, Adrian.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09They were lying, believe it or not, on a trampoline.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11You were trampolining in your garden?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- Yes.- And you saw over the fence... - Yes.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15..into your girlfriend's garden?
0:25:15 > 0:25:16No, no, she... She didn't live next door.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- Oh, right so into... - Neither lived next door.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20- Neither of them lived next door? - Correct.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Why were they next door then?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Because there was a party going on next door
0:25:24 > 0:25:27and it sort of slightly drifted into my house.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30It was like two sort of houses were taking part in the party -
0:25:30 > 0:25:31it sort of bled into mine.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34What sort of trampoline was it, Lee? Was it an oblong...
0:25:34 > 0:25:36It was the TS497 - the only trampoline.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40I remember jumping up over the fence, seeing them kissing and thinking,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42is that the TX417?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Where did he get that from? I wish we could afford one of them.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- Are we...- "Stop kissing her!" Then I went...
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- I think you know what I mean.- Yes.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Was it an oblong trampoline?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Was it the modern one with the nets...
0:25:53 > 0:25:55The circle with the nets up the side?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Don't say that! You know her name was Annette.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02It was a trampoline with no net round the side.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Oblong or circular?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Er... Well, she'd lost a bit of weight...
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I would say slim to oblong.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12So, um... You couldn't see what was going on,
0:26:12 > 0:26:16except at the top of your bounce trajectory - is that right?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- Yeah.- Yeah, and then what do you see,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20for an instant at the top of that bounce?
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Are they already doing it?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23They're not "doing it"!
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Are they already kissing?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Are they already writing poetry? What, are they all...?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Have they taken their shoes off?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32They hadn't taken their shoes off. DAVID AND SEANN GASP
0:26:32 > 0:26:35There was more - worse though. It was the only thing they were wearing.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39How long had you been seeing her for?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41We'd been up and down over the years, er...
0:26:41 > 0:26:42So go on. You're at the...
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- You're at the peak of your trajectory...- Yeah.- ..affording you
0:26:46 > 0:26:50a wonderful bird's-eye view of the neighbouring trampoline.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- Correct.- What did you see?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- I saw my...my then girlfriend. - Whose name was?- Name?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57She was called, er... Joanne.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- So what happened? - I wanted to have a proper look.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I went straight up to the climbing frame
0:27:02 > 0:27:05and, er...sure enough,
0:27:05 > 0:27:07my fears were confirmed...
0:27:07 > 0:27:09- Oh, my word.- ..it was the TX497.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13You must have been furious.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I was so angry, I was so angry.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18So I came round, got on the trampoline and I went,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20"Joanne!"
0:27:20 > 0:27:22And she looked round, there was no-one there.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24And then I went to the top again, "Joanne!"
0:27:24 > 0:27:26She looked round, there was no-one there.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29This carried on for a long time - "Joanne!"
0:27:30 > 0:27:34So then I timed it perfectly, I said "Joanne" when I was down...
0:27:34 > 0:27:35"Joanne!"
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Well, it took a while before I worked out that system.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43So what do you think, David? Is he telling the truth?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- I don't think so, no.- Why?
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Can I be honest with you? I'm not convinced either.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Lee, bouncing on the trampoline and spying Joanne,
0:27:52 > 0:27:53truth or lie?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55- It's a lie.- No!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59I would love it to be true, but...
0:27:59 > 0:28:00BUZZ
0:28:00 > 0:28:02And that noise signals time is up
0:28:02 > 0:28:04and I can reveal that David's team have won
0:28:04 > 0:28:05by four points to one.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:10But of course, it's not just a team game.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13My individual liar of the week this week
0:28:13 > 0:28:14is June Brown.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:18 > 0:28:19Yes, June Brown -
0:28:19 > 0:28:22she's given us more rabbit than Watership Down.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23Good night.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26APPLAUSE