0:00:13 > 0:00:15APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Good evening, and welcome to a very special edition
0:00:25 > 0:00:29of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie To You?
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Joining Lee Mack tonight, Bob Mortimer, Richard Osman,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Jermaine Jenas, Moira Stuart,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Alex Jones, John Cooper Clarke,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Clare Balding and Joe Lycett.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41And joining David Mitchell tonight,
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Danny Dyer, Gaby Logan,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Steve Backshaw, Alan Davies,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Germaine Greer, Greg Davies,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Rhod Gilbert and Nick Grimshaw.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists
0:00:54 > 0:00:56each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02They've no idea what they'll be faced with,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Danny is first up.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12I've buried £1,000 in cash at a secret location
0:01:12 > 0:01:15in case I ever have to go on the run.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17LAUGHTER
0:01:17 > 0:01:19When did you hide it?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22About ten years ago.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- Are you willing to say on national television where it is?- Nah, nah!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28I think I'll keep it double low, to be honest with you.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Because if I'm on the run, it'll be on top for me
0:01:30 > 0:01:33and it'll be the first place they'll look, won't it?
0:01:33 > 0:01:34What?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36LAUGHTER
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Not that I'm going to be on the run.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41I'm just saying that, you know, I've buried a bag of sand,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- which is a grand, right?- Right.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- Somewhere, in case it comes on top... - What does that mean?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- Somewhere? - No - on top!
0:01:53 > 0:01:57If something happens, illegal or...
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I thought you meant in case the money...
0:01:59 > 0:02:01You haven't buried it deep enough and it'd end up on top.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04It's double low, you muppet. He said that.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08If I don't know what low means then I don't know what double low means.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Well, you know it's twice as much.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I don't know what the starting point is.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13How much is low?
0:02:13 > 0:02:19- Well, low - you know - double low's proper on top.- Right.- Which means...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Don't forget, anybody watching, we do have subtitles.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Use that red button.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27What would you imagine that you could get into trouble for?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28We don't count acting.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31GROANING AND LAUGHING
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- Sorry!- I like that reaction. Good reaction! Healthy.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38So, what kind of thing could you get into trouble for?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Well, numerous things,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42so you need to just have a little stash somewhere.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Danny, can I just check, is this for crimes... Not crimes!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- I'm not talking about crimes. - I didn't say crimes!
0:02:49 > 0:02:54Is this for murders that have taken place previously
0:02:54 > 0:02:56or things that might happen in the future?
0:02:56 > 0:03:01- Are you asking Danny to confess to crimes?- All right.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04So do you think you might have to move abroad to start a new life?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Well, not abroad. Margate, or something like that.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Get off the plot, you know what I mean?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13How long could you last on a bag of sand?
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Well, depends where you are.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Margate, you can last about ten years!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20And how did you bury it? Was it under cover of darkness?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23No, it was in broad daylight. I wouldn't go at night.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Why did you do it in daylight?
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Well, because it...
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I'm giving it away now.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34I'm not going to go, "Daylight - I think I know where it is."
0:03:34 > 0:03:35I know where it is.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39It's somewhere outdoors. I'll go and get it.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43It's an area that, you know, ain't got no houses around.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Right, so you buried it in, like, a forest or something?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Not a forest, no, no. That would be too tricky.- In a graveyard?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51No, no, not a graveyard.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53That'd be out of order, wouldn't it?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Digging up a grave and whacking a grand in.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56It's a field.
0:03:56 > 0:04:01- A field?- Ah. Presumably, now, you possess a treasure map?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- Nah, nah.- Well, how are you going to remember where it is?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06It's about where I whacked my motor.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11- You've what, you' killed your car?! - No... I parked my car.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14But you drove your car away, though, didn't you, afterwards,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16so it's not still there!
0:04:19 > 0:04:24You do know that when you got back in the car and drove away,
0:04:24 > 0:04:28saying it's by the car is no longer a help!
0:04:28 > 0:04:32- Well, I parked my car next to something that I will remember.- Ah.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Now, so...what is that thing? - I'll tell you what it is.- Good.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- No, no, I don't want to, though. - Why?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Cos it might be next to, sort of, a Norman Wisdom statue,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- and there's only... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:04:44 > 0:04:48And there's only a few of them knocking about is what I'm saying.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51It's not near a Norman Wisdom statue. It's not!
0:04:51 > 0:04:56You can't expect Danny to give away the location on television
0:04:56 > 0:04:58of where his bag of sand is!
0:04:58 > 0:05:02For a minute then, I really thought I was in some gangster film.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06"I've wiped it off and buried it near the Norman Wisdom statue"!
0:05:06 > 0:05:11- Have you been back to check on it, to check it's still there?- Nah.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13That'd be stupid, wouldn't it? It's there.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16No-one's going near it, I know that. It's impossible to find.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Um...
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Danny, that's the point we're making!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25So what do you think, Lee?
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- What do we think?- Absolutely not. - I say it's a lie.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31A thousand wouldn't have been enough.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33And I say it must be a lie?
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Going to say lie, OK.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Danny, truth or lie?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39It's a lie, innit? Come on!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Clare, it's your turn.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47The first time I went to Germany, I knew only one German phrase,
0:05:47 > 0:05:51and bizarrely, an accident occurred which required me to use it.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52David's team.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54What was the phrase?
0:05:54 > 0:06:01Entschuldigen Sie, bitte. Mein Vater ist in den Fluss gefallen.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02I don't speak German.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Is that a phrase or is that just a random German sentence?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Are you asking what does it mean?
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Yeah!
0:06:11 > 0:06:15It means, "Excuse me, please, my father has fallen in the river."
0:06:17 > 0:06:20That well-known German phrase.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Had your father fallen in the rivers elsewhere for you to learn that?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- No. - Was he like a serial...
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- River...no. - But why would you learn that phrase
0:06:30 > 0:06:32unless he had a habit of falling into rivers?
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Before you went to Germany,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35you thought, "I'd better check that out."
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Total coincidence - "I think I'll learn the phrase,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40"'My father fell into the river.'"
0:06:40 > 0:06:42You went to Germany and your father fell in the river.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Yes!
0:06:47 > 0:06:51- I think I'm ready.- I've decided.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I'm going early on this one.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58So what happened with your dad, and who did you say that phrase to?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Were you shouting it from the banks?- No.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04We were skiing, and he was going off-piste
0:07:04 > 0:07:08and he skied into a little river by mistake.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12- What is the German emergency - is it 999?- I don't know!
0:07:12 > 0:07:14LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:20So they're saying, "Do you need help?"
0:07:20 > 0:07:23and you're saying, "Nein nein nein," and they go, "Forget it, then."
0:07:23 > 0:07:29- When you dial 999, Lee, do you then say to them, "999"?- No, no, no.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Have you got one of those old phones
0:07:31 > 0:07:33where you have to call to the operator and go,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36"999 at once! The vicar has been taken ill."
0:07:37 > 0:07:41- Clare, who did you end up saying this phrase to?- To a passer-by.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- A skier?- Yes.- Right. - No, a tennis player, Rob(!)
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- I flagged them down and said... - Wow, he's going fast!
0:07:51 > 0:07:55So you spoke to this passing skier who was just
0:07:55 > 0:07:57another holiday-maker, another skier. What happened?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Well, luckily, they were English, so I needn't have bothered.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02So they had no idea what you were saying!
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- Absolutely no idea.- So you spoke to them and then what happened?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- They helped me pull him out.- Right.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11But then all evening I was able to say that my father
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- had fallen in the river, in German. - What are you thinking, Nick?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I think that you would have just initially said,
0:08:16 > 0:08:17"Help!" if this was a true story.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19You wouldn't have been like,
0:08:19 > 0:08:23"Let me just remember this very weird German sentence."
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I'm not sure, but I find it hard to...think ill of Clare Balding.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- I think she's telling the truth.- Oh!
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Now, if she's lying, it wouldn't reflect badly on her character.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37It would.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Even within the parameters of this game,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I still don't think she would.
0:08:43 > 0:08:49- So, what are you going to say?- Lie? - Lie for me.- True?- True, absolutely.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- I think I'll... Lie. - OK. They're saying it's a lie.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Clare, truth or lie?
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Would I?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- It's true.- Oh!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06It's David.
0:09:06 > 0:09:12I find it incredibly irritating when other people fiddle with my jigsaws.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- Lee's team. - What was the last jigsaw you did?
0:09:16 > 0:09:22- It was a picture of the city centre in Oxford.- How many pieces was it?
0:09:22 > 0:09:27- 1,000.- 1,000! - What's your jigsaw etiquette?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Er...my etiquette?
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Well, when I say etiquette, I mean, if you're doing a big jigsaw,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35you have to do it on something,
0:09:35 > 0:09:40so that it doesn't upset anyone else's life, so what do you do it on?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42My grandfather's coffin.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Because we've all stopped hoping that he's ever going to come out.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- On a card table.- On a card table? - OK.- On a card table.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57That's nearly right.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- And you start with the outside, you do the whole perimeter.- Yeah.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Where do you go then?
0:10:02 > 0:10:07Then I go for recognisable objects in the scene.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10So which particular recognisable bits were bits you were looking for?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Well, there's a building in the middle
0:10:12 > 0:10:15with a sort of dome and a spike.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I'm an expert in architecture.
0:10:18 > 0:10:23Also, there were several people wandering around,
0:10:23 > 0:10:24like someone on a bicycle.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're saying...
0:10:27 > 0:10:28You're looking for specific things.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31A person can go anywhere in the jigsaw.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34No, they can't. They can only go where they go.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38"I've got a person. I'm going to put him up there."
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Can you do a jigsaw, Lee?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Well, I don't, David, cos I've got a life, but carry on.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Fair enough. I was going to say, do you use scissors?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52You know I'm not allowed scissors!
0:10:54 > 0:10:58So generally, 1,000-piece jigsaw, you're coning back to it
0:10:58 > 0:11:01now and again, work commitments permitting...
0:11:01 > 0:11:02How long does it take?
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Let's say...three months.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Three months?! Three months?
0:11:09 > 0:11:13- It's a 1,000-piece jigsaw, 330 pieces a month...- Excessive.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16So he's doing about 90 pieces a week.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- So he's doing about 15 pieces a day, all right?- Mm-hm.
0:11:20 > 0:11:2415 pieces a day is borderline you need help.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I don't need help and I don't like it when people help!
0:11:29 > 0:11:32That's the point. That's the point.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- So Lee, what's it going to be? - Alex?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Well, if he was into jigsaws properly,
0:11:38 > 0:11:43- and he didn't want a fiddler, you put clingfilm on it.- What?!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47You're even weirder than me!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Wouldn't the clingfilm stick to the pieces and then
0:11:52 > 0:11:57so when you pick the clingfilm up it would undo weeks and months of work?
0:11:57 > 0:11:58No.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Cos you buy a massive tray, you do it on the tray,
0:12:02 > 0:12:06not only can you carry it around if you need to dust,
0:12:06 > 0:12:10but also the clingfilm wraps underneath.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- You've watched far too many features on The One Show, haven't you?- Yes!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- AS ALEX:- This week, we're talking about tricks for jigsaws.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21You probably think it's just the four corners you have to know,
0:12:21 > 0:12:25but no, get your clingfilm ready and we'll tell you after this.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- John, do you think it's...? - Well, I can see it.
0:12:33 > 0:12:38I think David's a contemplative type of person, you know,
0:12:38 > 0:12:42and jigsaw puzzles kind of allow you
0:12:42 > 0:12:47that loose space to be ruminative...
0:12:47 > 0:12:50It takes you to a ruminative place that you wouldn't otherwise
0:12:50 > 0:12:54enter in the normal run of events.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Just to clarify, is it true or false?
0:12:55 > 0:13:00- True. True.- True?- Go true.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- OK. True.- OK.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05David. Truth or lie?
0:13:05 > 0:13:06It is...
0:13:06 > 0:13:10- True.- Ah.- Ah!
0:13:11 > 0:13:13It's Bob.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I have a possession.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Ah, there's a box.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22Take the item out of the box. Pop it there and then read the card.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28This is the cushion that I used to carry my pet owl around on.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I would have brought the owl, but he escaped last week.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39- David's team, what do you think? - What kind of an owl was it?- Tawny.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Tawnys perch on branches,
0:13:42 > 0:13:46so how did you get it to perch on a big, flat, soft cushion?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Oh, Steve, it's so good to have you here!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52How did I...?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Is there a problem here, Steve?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03You know the talon marks? I have a rare breeds farm near me
0:14:03 > 0:14:05and they had to get rid of a tawny owl that was injured.
0:14:05 > 0:14:11- He couldn't use its wings and couldn't use its bottom.- For what?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14For doing what... for poo-pooing.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17What did it use?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23So, as a trustee as the organisation,
0:14:23 > 0:14:27cos it's just down the road from me, in Warehorne, I agreed to have...
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I agreed that I would look after it.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37It actually had what you would call a colestomy bag.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- We wouldn't call it that.- You would.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41We'd call it a colostomy bag.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Have I said it...? - We wouldn't have picked it up
0:14:44 > 0:14:47but you did specifically say that's what we would have called it.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I thought I'd better address this because we wouldn't.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54Steve, is an owl's colostomy bag called a colestomy bag?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Yes, it is!
0:14:57 > 0:15:01You wouldn't really need it because the majority of solid faecal matter
0:15:01 > 0:15:03with an owl comes out of its mouth.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Yeah. Look, we're dealing with a very sick owl here.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10I'm sorry, I sound aggressive there.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15He's escaped now and I can see his little face.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17We were given a pipette with what was...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Owl nourishment.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- So you had to feed it by pipette? - Yes.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26How did it stand on the cushion if, as Steve says, it needs a perch?
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- It was fine just... - I've clearly not made it clear.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32This is an incredibly sick bird.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37You can't judge it by the normal tawny.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41This is a lump of meat and feathers.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44That is just hanging on in there.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47But the thing's still escaped.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Yes. Actually, I...
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I suspect it was killed by my cats.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Why did this owl sanctuary, when it has a sick owl,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02why didn't it look after the owl itself
0:16:02 > 0:16:06rather than give it to a local celebrity?
0:16:06 > 0:16:11Because I...I am very closely associated with it.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Sorry - my client would like a minute.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21You clearly said you were going to nurse it back to health?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- No, that was never going to happen. - It's palliative care?
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- Palliative care for the owl. - A hospice for the owl.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30And we had some decent times.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Did he have a name, this owl?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34We called it...er...
0:16:36 > 0:16:40- Did you? You called it...ah. - You're upset, Bob, I can tell.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45- If you need a minute, it's OK. But what did you call it?- Sorry?
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- What did you call it? - What did we call the owl?- Yeah.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Well, we called him Mavis.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Mavis.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Bob, what did you feed it? With the pipette?
0:16:58 > 0:17:02It was described to me as "owl nourishment".
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Described to you by who?! By who?!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09You just take bowls and put them in the liquidiser?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Steve, I can't impress on you how sick...
0:17:12 > 0:17:15The most we got out of it...
0:17:17 > 0:17:20It'd just lift a lid.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23It wasn't perched, then. It was reclined on the cushion?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30That was its death bed.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33We'd have like a broomstick or something, we'd hold it out.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38What have you told the owl sanctuary?
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Cos they must have been upset.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42No, I told them he's passed away, yeah.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46And they said, "That's fine, we knew Mavis was going to die soon,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49"that's why we gave him or her to you,
0:17:49 > 0:17:50"a comedian who lives locally,
0:17:50 > 0:17:55"to keep on a cushion in the same room as a cat"?
0:17:56 > 0:18:00My client would like to change his plea.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03This isn't sounding...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06GABBY: You're a trustee, did you say, of this charity?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Yes. It's a rare breeds farm in Warehorne, does family days.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Sadly, they haven't got an owl at the moment.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15So David, what are you thinking? Is this true?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18No, this isn't true.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21You think he made all of that up?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I just don't believe they would let him bring a dying tawny owl home.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- No, I don't think so. I think we're saying it's a lie.- I think you are.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31And I think the rare breeds centre
0:18:31 > 0:18:33probably needs to look at its working practices
0:18:33 > 0:18:36if it happens to be true.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37OK, Bob, truth or lie?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I was telling a lie.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49- It's Germaine.- Oh.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- Possession.- Possession. Now, then, there's a box under the desk.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Could you read the card first and then take the item out
0:18:57 > 0:18:59and pop it on the desk, please?
0:18:59 > 0:19:04This is the bag I wear on my head to carry my shopping home.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06LAUGHTER
0:19:06 > 0:19:08All right, so let's see the bag.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Just pop it in-between you and David on the desk. That's it.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- You wear it on your head?! - Yeah, we need to see this.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18You do it like this. This is...
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- It's a tumpline. It's a tumpline. - You've obviously done that before!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- What's a tumpline?- Yeah. People all over the world
0:19:25 > 0:19:29carry things like this, especially if they haven't got beasts of burden -
0:19:29 > 0:19:31you become the beast of burden, so...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Sorry - have I just turned over?
0:19:35 > 0:19:36What are you doing with your arms?
0:19:36 > 0:19:41You're walking with a stick or carrying a baby or whatever.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43You're walking with a stick and a baby in Tesco?
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Well, you see, it comes from somewhere else, this amazing thing.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Where do you shop? Tibet?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53No, I shop in Essex.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55You come over here, Germaine, if you would,
0:19:55 > 0:19:56and I'll tell you what we'll do.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00I will be working at the local supermarket.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I'm the new, young checkout boy.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05It's good that you're getting some practise in.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10- Right, is it ready?- Yeah. - OK. Here we go. Get ready.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Beep!
0:20:15 > 0:20:18There you go, love. Beep!
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Some oranges, I see. Lovely.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32How much, bread?
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Can I just ask a question?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Beep!- At this point, are there people in the queue
0:20:40 > 0:20:42looking at you face-on?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44In the supermarkets, you've got your trolley,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46then you get to the checkout...
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Then you get to the checkout...
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- Come on, hurry up!- Beep!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- That's going to be too heavy, isn't it?- No. Put it in.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56- Are you sure?- Yes.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59If I kill you on the television...
0:20:59 > 0:21:02There could be a dead body in there. That's how big it is.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06- Is that all right? - Yeah. I'm still cool.- All right.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09How far would you walk with those?
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- Well, I can walk any amount of distance.- How do you get it off?
0:21:15 > 0:21:19- How do I what?- How do you get it off without doing yourself...
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Oh, careful!
0:21:20 > 0:21:24- It's not a problem.- Well, very convincing. What do you think, Lee?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- Jermaine?- She doesn't strike me as a person who's going to be
0:21:26 > 0:21:28too fussed about what people think.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30OK!
0:21:30 > 0:21:33And also, it kind of suited her.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I think it suits her. I think it's 100% true.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43If this is true, I've got one word for you and that is "Ocado".
0:21:45 > 0:21:48My team say true. I doubt it, but we'll go with true.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Oh, you're going to say true. Germaine. Truth or lie?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54True.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Greg, your turn.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03When I was a teenager, I used to have to butter my legs
0:22:03 > 0:22:06in order to squeeze into tight leather trousers.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Lee's team, off you go.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- What age are we talking about? - I was 17.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18It was when I was experimenting with being a Goth actually.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19You don't look like a good Goth to me
0:22:19 > 0:22:21cos you're too close to the sun!
0:22:21 > 0:22:22I wasn't.
0:22:24 > 0:22:29Isn't there an issue of rancidity
0:22:29 > 0:22:31when the temperature of a room changes?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34And it's a very volatile substance,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37it moves from a solid to a liquid in the blink of an eye.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I wish you'd had been my science teacher.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46School would have been so much more fun.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48There's an issue around odour here.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51You're forgetting I was a teenager when I was doing this
0:22:51 > 0:22:53and I generally stank.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58I mean, it wasn't butter, actually, it was a margarine spread of sorts.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59ALEX: Worse!
0:22:59 > 0:23:00It wasn't worse, it worked.
0:23:00 > 0:23:06The reason I had to do it is because I'm ludicrously tall
0:23:06 > 0:23:13and the only tight trousers around stopped half a foot below my knees
0:23:13 > 0:23:17so it would look like I was wearing some sort of perverse lederhosen.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21So, the only tight trousers that would fit me
0:23:21 > 0:23:23were, sort of, women's Lycra leggings.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29How did you manage to hold the trousers to pull them up,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31now that your hands were very slippy with the marge?
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Well, I would put the marge on and then...
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Interesting thing - in Shropshire, running water.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39I would wash my hands.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Who else knew about this?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46My sister was the only person who knew and that's
0:23:46 > 0:23:50because she walked into my bedroom when I was applying the marge.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53And...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I was very keen to explain.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59That must have been one of the worst moments of her young life.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- So, what do you think? - What do we think, John?
0:24:01 > 0:24:05It's not playing out very well in the playground of my imagination.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I think that's the most wonderful way
0:24:13 > 0:24:15anyone has said "lie" on this show.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Oh, I really want it to be true.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22It is true.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Because to see you in a women's legging would be magical.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Ah - well, just call me.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33I've got my doubts here because we've gone from leather to Lycra
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- and butter to margarine. - No, they were...
0:24:36 > 0:24:38No, they were leather-effect.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41You didn't ask me. They were a leather-effect trouser.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I Can't Believe It's Not Leather?
0:24:51 > 0:24:52OK, what are you going to say?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54You're saying it's a lie. Alex is saying...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Oh, I'm sorry, John, I'd love to agree,
0:24:56 > 0:24:57but I think he's a bit weird.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Yeah, people do alternative things with groceries at that age, I think.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Oh, my God, not that sort of thing!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I'll go with John and say it's a lie.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15- Say it's a lie?- Yeah.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18OK. Greg, truth or lie?
0:25:18 > 0:25:19It's a lie.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- Good work, John. - Well done.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28It's Jermaine.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32If ever I took a penalty,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I would choose to place the ball to the left or right,
0:25:35 > 0:25:39depending on which of my socks was the muddiest.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41David's team?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Oh, right.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Alan?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Well, footballers can be quite superstitious.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- How did you come to that system? - It started when I was a kid.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55As you can imagine, those playing fields
0:25:55 > 0:25:58weren't exactly Premier League pitches in those days.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00But every time I did it, I scored.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03What's your strike rate on penalties?
0:26:03 > 0:26:0590%.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08What's the average...? How many penalties...?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09What's the percentage of penalties?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Alan, you take the questions, mate!
0:26:15 > 0:26:18It's quite easy, this football pundit lark!
0:26:19 > 0:26:25Can I ask if, when your socks are very, very muddy,
0:26:25 > 0:26:29one foot is heavier than the other?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32No, if the mud is on your boot, it would tend to be heavier,
0:26:32 > 0:26:34but not the socks.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Is that just something you're interested to know?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38No, it would be nice to find
0:26:38 > 0:26:42a sensible reason for scoring with either foot.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45It's not the foot, let's be clear. It's always the same foot.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47- All right, David, I've got it. - Oh, I'm sorry.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51It's not different feet.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Suddenly David has become Alan Hansen!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I've found something I knew I understood.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Same foot, different way.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03No, I didn't listen properly, I beg your pardon.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06That's your problem, you don't listen.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08What are you going to say, David?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- It sort of rings true. - Did you play football?
0:27:11 > 0:27:12I know you don't play professionally.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16- I had to play a bit. - At school?- Yeah.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18I hated it completely but I was usually sort of put
0:27:18 > 0:27:22vaguely in defence so that I would be standing there, coldly.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Some of the bigger boys charging down towards you?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Charge past me, in the goal, and then it goes back to the middle
0:27:28 > 0:27:29and you get a bit of respite.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35And what time was chess club due to start?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- Yet I wasn't very good at chess. - Really?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Yes, a pathetic physical specimen,
0:27:40 > 0:27:43and intellectually not that creative either.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48But thanks to the way the media select people for prominence,
0:27:48 > 0:27:49here I am!
0:27:54 > 0:27:58OK. So, what are you going to say? Has Jermaine been telling the truth?
0:27:58 > 0:28:01What do you think, Germaine?
0:28:01 > 0:28:04- I think it's true.- True. Alan?
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- Yeah, let's say true. - We're going to say true.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08You're going to say is it's true? OK.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Jermaine, truth or lie?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13It's a lie.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19That's all we've time for on this special edition
0:28:19 > 0:28:20of Would I Lie To You?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Thanks very much for watching. Goodnight.