0:00:15 > 0:00:18APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Ah.
0:00:24 > 0:00:29Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You At Christmas? -
0:00:29 > 0:00:33a very special edition filled with festive fibs.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37On David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedian whose previous jobs
0:00:37 > 0:00:39include playing the organ at a crematorium.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43He's the man who puts the fun into funeral, it's Bill Bailey.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:46 > 0:00:50And an award winning comedian, actress
0:00:50 > 0:00:55and the writer and star of Gavin And Stacey, or as I prefer to call it,
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Gavin And Stacey And Bryn, it's Ruth Jones.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:03 > 0:01:05And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:01:05 > 0:01:09a comedy legend who's won a BAFTA, several comedy awards,
0:01:09 > 0:01:13written five books and written and starred in a hit sitcom,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16but to me she'll always be the judge from Splash,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18it's Splash judge, Jo Brand.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:21 > 0:01:26And the fastest Dame in the world - not much of a claim
0:01:26 > 0:01:28when the competition consists of Maggie Smith, Judi Dench
0:01:28 > 0:01:30and Christopher Biggins -
0:01:30 > 0:01:33it's Olympic gold medallist Dame Kelly Holmes.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:36 > 0:01:40And so we begin as always with Round One, Home Truths,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43where our panellists each read out a statement
0:01:43 > 0:01:44from the card in front of them.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49they've got no idea what they'll be faced with,
0:01:49 > 0:01:53and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55And Jo, you're first up tonight.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Last year I ate my Christmas dinner in the bath.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04David's team.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07But why?!
0:02:07 > 0:02:12Because we had quite a lot of family round,
0:02:12 > 0:02:16and I just wanted to be on my own, because I was in a really bad mood.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Jo, was it on a plate?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21LAUGHTER
0:02:21 > 0:02:24That's a horrible image, isn't it?
0:02:25 > 0:02:26It was on a plate.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Hold on, so I'm just going to picture the scene, right?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31You've got your Christmas dinner on the plate
0:02:31 > 0:02:33and you just get up from the table
0:02:33 > 0:02:36and you say, "I'm just going off to the bath for a bit,"
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- and the family...- I don't... I don't think I announced it.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43I was just so fed up with everyone, I just got up, took my dinner,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46went upstairs and thought, "I'm going to have a bath."
0:02:46 > 0:02:51But didn't you find it...that you got really hot, eating in the bath?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I could eat my Christmas dinner in a fire.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Where did you put the dinner when you were running the bath?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- On the toilet.- On the toilet.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01And did you... did you allow the bath, the...?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Not, not with, I mean, with the lid on, and a...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06a nice little tablecloth...no.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Even so, I think it's a bit... - Do you?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11It's just the... it's the associations, isn't it,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13of the two ends of the process?
0:03:13 > 0:03:14If it was someone else's toilet, well...
0:03:14 > 0:03:18It's like saying to the food, "This is where you're going to end up,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21"mate, we both know it. You know it, I know it.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24"In between, you're going on an incredible journey."
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Yeah.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Did you continue to eat your Christmas dinner
0:03:28 > 0:03:32while the bath was running, or did you pause in that process
0:03:32 > 0:03:35to sort of save it until you were nice and comfy in the bath?
0:03:35 > 0:03:36I had a couple of sprouts, David.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- Right.- Did you have like a tray that goes over the side of the bath
0:03:40 > 0:03:42that you can put the dinner on
0:03:42 > 0:03:45or did you have to balance it on your knees?
0:03:45 > 0:03:46I had to balance it.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47On your knees?
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Not necessarily.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER
0:03:56 > 0:04:00If you were balancing it on a part of you, is there not
0:04:00 > 0:04:03a risk that it will become submerged at some point, which would
0:04:03 > 0:04:07ruin the dinner? Essentially, you're turning your Christmas dinner
0:04:07 > 0:04:09into the Maldives in about 30 years' time,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12when, you know, the bathwater of the world
0:04:12 > 0:04:15starts to wash the sprouts towards the plughole.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Well, I don't...I don't put enough water in the bath for that.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23In fact, you know, I don't hardly need to put any water in the bath.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26OK, what do you think, David, what are you...
0:04:26 > 0:04:30- what are your team thinking? - I think maybe you had a bath,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32but you didn't eat your Christmas dinner there.
0:04:32 > 0:04:37Yeah, I can believe that Jo has had baths and has eaten...
0:04:37 > 0:04:39and has eaten Christmas dinners,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42I don't believe she's ever combined the two processes.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I, well, I think... I think she might have done.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- Oh, you think she might have done? - Yeah.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I thought we were heading towards consensus there,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52but in a very Christmassy way we're very much at loggerheads.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- Yeah, that's right.- OK.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I think, seeing as I feel a little bit 50/50...
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Oh, no, that doesn't help at all, does it?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Well, no, it does, cos if you're 100% it's true
0:05:02 > 0:05:03and you're only 50% it's...
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Who said I was 100%? I'm at about 80.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Oh, right. I'm going to need a pen.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11This is why I keep saying I need a spreadsheet.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14OK, we're going to say true.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16So they're saying true.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Jo, eating your Christmas dinner in the bath, truth or lie?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23It's a lie.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Ahh.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- APPLAUSE - Well done.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32Yes, it's a lie, Jo didn't eat her Christmas dinner in the bath.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Bill, it's your turn.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Oh, right.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39OK, it says on my card, possession.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- Ah, just to the side there, there's a...- Oh, yes?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- Yes, just...just bring... - Just bring that up there.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Just pop that up there
0:05:47 > 0:05:49and then read the statement before you do anything else.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51OK. "This is Jakob."
0:05:51 > 0:05:54SCREECHING
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I don't remember those yoghurt drinks making that noise.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- OK.- Must be live yoghurt.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Wahey!
0:06:11 > 0:06:12All right.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14This is Jakob.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I once smuggled her into the cinema,
0:06:17 > 0:06:21then had to pretend the noises she was making were coming from me.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25OK, now perhaps you could... you could unveil,
0:06:25 > 0:06:26take the sheet off.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- ALL:- Aww.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Aw, I love cats.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Right, Lee's team.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Why on earth would you take Yacot
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- into...- Jakob. Hang on.- Co-ot...
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- Ya-kob.- Ya-kob.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Yeah, it's spelt...it's spelt...
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Into a cinema?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- ..Jakob but pronounced Ya-kob.- OK.
0:06:49 > 0:06:56I was on tour and the bird, er, was on tour with me in the hotel room,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59and we wanted to go to the cinema,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- so my wife and I...- But hang on, whoa, whoa, stop you there.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- Why was the bird on tour with you? - Good question.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Well, because we didn't have anyone to look after her.- She's on tour?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- We, um...- But that's a bird with a man's name, then, is it?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- I'm sorry, is it a she or a he, the bird?- It's a she.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14But why is she called Jakob?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- Be...- Ya-kob.- Ya-kob. - Well, I know, but...
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Ya-kob.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Well, no, there was a little bit of...
0:07:20 > 0:07:25- There was a bit of confusion with the...- Sexing.- The sexing at first.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26I had that with a rabbit once.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- Did you?- Yes.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29What, sex?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:37 > 0:07:39ALL: Ohh!
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- Sit... Well, in the cinema... - "Sit"?!
0:07:43 > 0:07:48In the cinema, we put a coat over... over the case,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51and we were watching a film
0:07:51 > 0:07:53and then in the middle of the film there was some music
0:07:53 > 0:07:57and she got quite into the music so she started whistling to the music.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58HE WHISTLES
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- What was the film?- Entrapment.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:06That's a bit insensitive to a bird in a cage.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Yeah, well, we didn't think of that at the time.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Is that the normal cage that he lives in,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14he or she lives in at home, or does she live in a big one?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17No, this is a travel cage, er, it's called a Wing-ebago.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18LAUGHTER
0:08:18 > 0:08:21So the bird starts singing along with the music of the film.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Yes.- Yeah. - Right, and then what happens?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27And then... then she started to make noises
0:08:27 > 0:08:30and then people started to look round and they looked round
0:08:30 > 0:08:33and they heard this noise and then I actually just went...
0:08:33 > 0:08:35HE WHISTLES
0:08:35 > 0:08:37HE SCREECHES
0:08:37 > 0:08:40And then... And then she said "Jakob!" like that
0:08:40 > 0:08:43and then I had to say that to my wife, I went "Jakob" like that
0:08:43 > 0:08:46and just sort of passed it off
0:08:46 > 0:08:48like we were having a little conversation.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Was anyone sitting next to you, other than your wife?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- Yeah, there was a lot of people in the cinema, yes.- What did they do?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Er, they just thought we were a bit weird.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58So how long have you had Jakob. Is it Ya-cov?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Must be about 10, 15 years now.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- Do you have a lot of these animals in your home?- We do.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- How many animals do you have? - We've got about,
0:09:05 > 0:09:06I don't know, 30 or 40 animals.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- 40 animals?- 30 or 40 animals? - Yes.- Really?- What like?
0:09:09 > 0:09:14- Fish, er, some...- I don't mean in your freezer, I mean...
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Ants, we've got loads of ants...
0:09:18 > 0:09:22- We've got dogs, cat, birds. - You've got a cat?- We've got a cat.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24With the bird, isn't that a problem?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26No, the cat doesn't stay in the house, er...
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- What's he do, go round the cinemas? - He goes round the cinema.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Yeah, the cat's got a paper round. Er, no.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35So what are you thinking, Lee, what does your team think?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I mean, the obvious big clue to this is that he...
0:09:38 > 0:09:41he seems very close, she seems very close to Bill.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- JAKOB SQUEAKS - See?- Aww!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I've seen Bill do TV shows where he's working with wildlife,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- so I know he likes the wildlife. - Oh, right, so there you go.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52So it might be that he's lying but he knows how to handle that bird?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- That's what I think.- Would you be so bold as to give him
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- a kiss on the lips?- I could do. - I wasn't talking to you.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Come here, give us a kiss. Come and give us a kiss.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04You all right? She's a bit shy, she's a bit shy.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Well, I don't want to stir it up,
0:10:06 > 0:10:08but she was all over David in the green room.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11So, Jo?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I think it's a lie, I don't think he'd be that irresponsible.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- I'm going to go lie. - OK, my team say lie.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17You're all saying it's a lie, OK.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Bill, was that the truth or was it a lie?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21It was...
0:10:21 > 0:10:22true.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24APPLAUSE
0:10:27 > 0:10:32Yes, it's true. Bill did smuggle his parrot into the cinema.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:10:35 > 0:10:37who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Now this is week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:10:39 > 0:10:41that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:10:41 > 0:10:44and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47So please welcome this week's special guest, Mick.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58So, Kelly, what is Mick to you?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01This is Mick, and I've a photo of him in my car
0:11:01 > 0:11:03to stop me getting road rage.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Jo, how do you know Mick?
0:11:07 > 0:11:12This is Mick and when we were bell-ringing together in church,
0:11:12 > 0:11:16he was responsible for me being hoisted 20 foot up in the air.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20And Lee, what's your relationship with Mick?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23This is Mick. His surname is Partridge,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25and I once had to rescue him
0:11:25 > 0:11:27when he was stuck up a pear tree.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34So there we have it. David, where do you want to start?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36DAVID LAUGHS
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Can you do me a favour? Can you start with these two,
0:11:39 > 0:11:40cos I might need a while?
0:11:43 > 0:11:48Kelly, why have you got a photo of Mick to avoid road rage?
0:11:48 > 0:11:49How does that help?
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Mick's known me for a long, long time,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53so he used to have to calm me down quite a lot on the track
0:11:53 > 0:11:57and then he used to come and watch some of the races, cos, obviously, when you're a young kid,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00you get your family members and friends and things to come
0:12:00 > 0:12:03and so because Mick used to always make me smile when I was stressed,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05he gave me this one photo.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06And what is he doing in the photo?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Smiling.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Is he wearing anything, or...?
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Luckily it's just a head shot.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Do you ever get road rage, Ruth? Is that something that affects you?
0:12:18 > 0:12:22I do get annoyed but I... I don't show any anger or rage,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I tend to just smile or blow a kiss or...or wave at them
0:12:25 > 0:12:26in an annoying fashion.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28In an ironic...in an ironic manner.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32David, I would imagine you're an absolute brute at the wheel.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I am not legally allowed to drive a car.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Oh!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Does that mean you drive a car illegally?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Er, no, I haven't, er...what's the expression, got...
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- Passed your test? - Yeah, that's it, yeah, yeah.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48But have you ever had lessons?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55Ineffective in terms of engendering in my brain
0:12:55 > 0:12:56the knowledge of how to drive.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58How many lessons did you have?
0:12:58 > 0:12:5945,000.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03OK. Who would you like to quiz next?
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- So, Jo - bell-ringing.- Yeah.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Are you a keen bell-ringer?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Not any more.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Were you a keen bell-ringer?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I was never really that keen on it, if I'm honest...
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Have you ever been bell-ringing? - Yes, I have been bell-ringing.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Where was it and why did you give it a go?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24It was in a church, David.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26What was the church called?
0:13:26 > 0:13:30I can't remember, actually. St something's.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Oh, that narrows it down, yeah.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Can you remember where it was?
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Yeah, it was in a village in Kent.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38OK. That's plausible.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42If she'd said North Korea, we could have questioned it.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45What was the...? Picture the scene for us.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Well, what happened was I had been to church a few times
0:13:48 > 0:13:49and I didn't like it.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- So when was this, what age were you? - About 12.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- Right.- And so I was...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I could either have gone in the church choir
0:13:57 > 0:13:59or been a bell-ringer.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02And what happened? What did Mick do that led to this incident?
0:14:02 > 0:14:07Well, it was a sort of prank that used to be played on new ringers
0:14:07 > 0:14:11and what happened was that Mick said to me, "Can you hold this a minute?"
0:14:11 > 0:14:14And I just put my hand out without looking,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16held on to the rope and just went like that,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18right, like, 20 feet up in the air.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20You went 20 feet up in the air.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22How old was Mick then?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24A couple of years older than me.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27So you were about 12, he was sort of 14.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Oh, so he was a young lad doing it.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31I was imagining him at the age he is now.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37It's before the service,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39you're doing the pre-service bell-ringing -
0:14:39 > 0:14:41why aren't you on your own bell rope?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45What are you doing there that you're able to respond to his call,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47you know, "Grab hold of this"?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Which is a dangerous thing to respond to without looking
0:14:50 > 0:14:52in all sorts of circumstances.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Not quite as dangerous as your impression of bell-ringing,
0:14:55 > 0:14:56which looks more like cow milking.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58You're going like this.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05Sorry, I'm no sort of mime. But is it more like that?
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Is that more like it?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10I think it's a...
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Happy Christmas!
0:15:13 > 0:15:17You have to get it from one position to another position,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20and while you're doing that, that's when it's dangerous, so...
0:15:20 > 0:15:21And how do you do that?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Is that using the rope sort of...?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25You yank it along with the rope or...?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27You have to pull the rope in a particular way.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Oh, well, it'll be a nice chance for you to demonstrate how you pull it.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Well, when you're actually ringing a bell properly,
0:15:34 > 0:15:36you start by putting your hand up and getting
0:15:36 > 0:15:40the end of the bell rope, which is about that far above your head.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43You pull that down and you catch the fluffy bit
0:15:43 > 0:15:46and then you pull that down with both hands, then you let it go,
0:15:46 > 0:15:50let go one hand and let it go right up, so it's like that.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52So that's ringing... that's ringing a bell.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55In order to get the bell in the right position,
0:15:55 > 0:15:59you pull it like this and as you pull it...
0:15:59 > 0:16:02SNIGGERING FROM AUDIENCE
0:16:02 > 0:16:03That's why he married me.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Now what about...what about Lee and...and his claim?
0:16:11 > 0:16:12No, that's not true.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16OK, what was he doing up the pear tree, Lee?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19He was rescuing a cat.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22No further questions.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Where was the pear tree?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Next to the cat.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34The pear tree was in the grounds of a pub.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36OK, and this was, like, in the beer garden?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39We were having drinks outside in the beer garden.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Er, we had a bit too many, we went back inside, it got dark,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45got late, and then we were staying in a local hotel,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47everyone was going out to get the taxis home
0:16:47 > 0:16:50and that's when I heard a scream.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"Help, I'm up a pear tree!"
0:16:52 > 0:16:56And I thought, "What?" I thought... I remember saying, "Hark!" And...
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Did you know Mick? Was he one of your friends who'd gone to the pub?
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Never met him before in my life.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Mick, it turns out was the landlord of the pub.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07- Right.- Right.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10And which answers the question why we weren't getting served,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12but we'll forget that for a minute.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15How big a tree was it, Lee, and how high was Mick?
0:17:15 > 0:17:19The pear tree was, er, was...was quite high,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I would say going... Using Mick as a measurement of one,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I would say it was about five Micks.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27How did you actually rescue him?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30So I shouted up, "What are you doing up there, mate?"
0:17:30 > 0:17:33And he said, um...well, this is what I heard at the time,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35HE MUMBLES
0:17:35 > 0:17:38I said, "You'll have to shout, mate, you're five Micks up."
0:17:40 > 0:17:43So he's right at the top. It's a five-Mick tree and he's right at the top.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- Yeah.- I was thinking he'd be about three-and-a-half Micks up.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47To be fair, he was sort of lying on the branch,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50so his head was only four Micks and a bit high.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51And he said, "Go and get help.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53So I said, "Have you got any ladders?"
0:17:53 > 0:17:56He said, "Yes", and I said, "Right, well, good luck," and off I went.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58But how had he got up there?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00How did he manage to get up there in the first place?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03How did he manage? He clambered up. So the cat, as it turns out,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05was at the top of the tree, right at the top of the tree.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09I'm talking five-and-a-half Micks cos there was a thin branch at the top.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12So he's basically, a pear tree is full of, er...
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- Pears.- That's the word.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17But for a very brief period of the year.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18- Yes.- Yes, correct. - Is he up there at...?
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Well, would you believe, that this cat was partial to a pear.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Wouldn't have happened any other time of year.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26He says, "He's always like this." He's a country bloke.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- "Always like this, he is." - But he wouldn't go for a near pear.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Or one of the many that were on the floor.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36David, David, it was the last pear, he'd eaten the others.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39So it wasn't full of pears, there was only one pear,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41at the top, like an angel.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43It was full of pears when he started climbing -
0:18:43 > 0:18:46he'd been up there for two-and-a-half seasons.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49So off I went and got the ladder,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51clambered up the first bit of the ladder
0:18:51 > 0:18:53and I just sort of helped Mick down on to the ladder
0:18:53 > 0:18:55and we became lovers.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59All right, well, we need an answer, so David's team,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02is Mick Kelly's calming companion,
0:19:02 > 0:19:07Jo's bell-ringing buddy or Lee's Partridge in a pear tree?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I think it's Jo that's telling the truth. Do you know why?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Cos of her rope action.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You think it's Jo.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18Yeah, and I don't know what it would take to calm you down, Dame Kelly.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21I don't think Mick is the answer, though.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Aw.- He looks calm now.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27You want to see him at the top of a pear tree gripping a cat.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Absolutely in bits, he was.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30What are you thinking, David?
0:19:30 > 0:19:31I think it's Jo, that's what I think.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35You think the bell-ringing. Ruth thinks the bell-ringing. Bill?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- Yeah, I'll go with bell-ringing. - The bell for Bill. OK.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Right, they all think it's Jo.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Mick, could you please reveal your true identity?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44My name is Mick
0:19:44 > 0:19:48and I was responsible for Jo being hoisted 20 feet off of the ground.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Yes, Mick is Jo's bell-ringing buddy.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Thank you very much, Mick, thank you.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02and we start with...
0:20:02 > 0:20:04BUZZER It's David.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Possession.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08There'll be a little box under your desk.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- Thank you. - There's a card inside, David.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Read the card out first and then when you've done that...
0:20:13 > 0:20:17This is just a little something me and Rob got you for Christmas.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20And then once you've read it out, then pop the object on the desk.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21OK.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25These are two of the best gifts I was given last Christmas.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- OK. And take them out and pop them on the desk.- OK.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- There we are.- There we go. - Right. What - Lee?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39First question is what, and I can see what one of them is,
0:20:39 > 0:20:40but what's the other one?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- It's a hat.- No...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46What's the... What's the stick thing?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Yeah. - Er, it's a...it's a wand.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- OK.- You do magic with it.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Oh, well, don't wave it around, anything could happen.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Who bought you it?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- Er, my wife.- Oh.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00That bit is true, in case you were wondering -
0:21:00 > 0:21:02he has got a wife, yeah.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Most people don't believe it at this point but...he has got a wife.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Just to give us a fuller picture, let's see if the hat fits
0:21:08 > 0:21:09and if it does, wear it.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Put it on and then... Let's get the full effect.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Ah, but does the wand fit?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- And then hold the wand. - I think so.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Oh. It's lovely.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22You look like a proper Dickensian gentleman.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25OK. When you opened the present,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28did you say, "This is lovely but what...what is it for?"
0:21:28 > 0:21:33It's a... No, she said it was, um, er, a wand thing where you can...
0:21:33 > 0:21:35There's a... It's got a battery in it.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Oh, it's a cordless one.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40And...and you can make it... You can make it be a remote control.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Am I allowed to touch David's wand?
0:21:45 > 0:21:46- Can I?- You can inspect it if you want to,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49but don't damage it, I-I'll get it...
0:21:49 > 0:21:51You don't trust me to get it without damaging it.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I'm just happier when you're sat down, that's all.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Get me the wand, please.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Were you born in a little northern town
0:21:58 > 0:22:00called Double Entendre?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Actually Cockermouth.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10First thing is, I can't see any way you can get batteries in this thing
0:22:10 > 0:22:12and it...it's got a light on the end
0:22:12 > 0:22:14so obviously it does do something electronic
0:22:14 > 0:22:16but I don't know where you'd put a battery.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18You don't put a battery in the end there.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- Can you get a battery in the end of there?- No.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Look the end comes off so we can definitely...
0:22:23 > 0:22:25It's an electronic item, that is a definite,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27and that's definitely a hat, I'm not an idiot.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Rob, I've broke it.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Have you really?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Well, something's come off the end.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36David, I'll get you another one, I promise.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- He actually has lost the... - The end's fallen off the...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- There it is. - There! There it is, there it is.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Give me the hat. - Oh, I've sat on the hat!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Give me the hat, give me the hat, give me the hat.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Would you wear that in the house, the hat, David?
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Would you wear it around the house?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00No, I wouldn't wear a hat indoors.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Basically, you'd wear a hat like this
0:23:02 > 0:23:05when you've, you know, on the way from the cab
0:23:05 > 0:23:06to the scene of the murder.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12So what do you think, Lee? What is your team thinking on this?
0:23:12 > 0:23:17Well, I'm interested that Rob warns off manhandling
0:23:17 > 0:23:18and hurting it.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Would David be that bothered?
0:23:20 > 0:23:21I have got history on this show.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23History of breaking things?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Well, he owned...he owned a pen in one episode when it was his pen.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27And you broke it?
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Damn right.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31There was another episode
0:23:31 > 0:23:34where there was...supposedly a beloved teddy bear
0:23:34 > 0:23:37that I didn't own, but he didn't know,
0:23:37 > 0:23:38and he tore its head off.
0:23:40 > 0:23:46Um, so... Now, David, I would like to know
0:23:46 > 0:23:49was there any explanation from your wife at all,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51cos obviously you've picked this up, you don't known what this is.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- An explanation?- Yes, to why...
0:23:53 > 0:23:57When you're given a present, do you ask for an explanation?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- No, no, you misund... - It's quite aggressive, isn't it?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Let me finish, David - was there any explanation at all
0:24:02 > 0:24:03as to why she married you?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07No, she's never explained that,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09but I don't want to ask too many questions.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10- I reckon I'm onto... - Leave it at that!
0:24:10 > 0:24:13..I'm onto a good thing.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17My husband bought me a dress that was two sizes too small once
0:24:17 > 0:24:21because he wanted me to lose weight so I could wear it.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23He did, and then when he gave it to me,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26he said, "Look forward to seeing you in it."
0:24:27 > 0:24:30So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34That worked very well.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40What are you going to say, Lee's team? Is he telling the truth?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Kelly, you're saying...?- Oh... Lie.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- You're saying lie, Jo's saying lie. - I'll say lie as well.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I have to go with my team and say it's a lie.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51So the team is saying lie. David, truth or lie?
0:24:51 > 0:24:52It is...
0:24:52 > 0:24:53true.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Next.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00It's Lee.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Last Christmas Eve, my wife asked me to pop out
0:25:04 > 0:25:08and get four to five lemons and eight or nine limes.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Unfortunately, I misheard her
0:25:10 > 0:25:14and came back with 45 lemons and 89 limes.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16David.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18I, um...
0:25:23 > 0:25:26In better news, we haven't suffered from scurvy for a long time.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33You went out and you came back with 45 lemons and 89 limes?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35What did you think they were for?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40I don't ever question my wife when it comes to cooking.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42You just don't, with my wife.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47She cooks some amazingly overly citrus dishes, always.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Largely cos she's using up what you've bought.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52You say it was Christmas Eve -
0:25:52 > 0:25:54were you going to be entertaining guests?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Well, you know, family members.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58- So I wouldn't say guests, but they had to come round.- Right.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01What...what were the lemons and limes for?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03It turns out they were for the drinks.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- I wondered why I didn't need to get any pastry.- I haven't met your wife,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I'm sure that she's very lovely and sensible.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Why say four to five? Why not just say,
0:26:11 > 0:26:15"Go and get me five lemons, go and get me nine limes"?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17That is exactly what I said when she said,
0:26:17 > 0:26:21"What have you come back with 45 lemons and 89 limes for?"
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Because you're right - you tell me, you know.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Why does she strike me about the head when I wake up?
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Who knows the mysteries of a relationship.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Where did you get these citrus fruits from, Lee?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Was it a corner shop, a hypermarket or...?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Actually it was a hypermarket on the corner, so it was both.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44- So you get back home.- Yeah. - And there's Mrs Mack and what...?
0:26:44 > 0:26:50I mean, when you put your wares on the table, how does she react?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53She said, "What...what...what are they?"
0:26:53 > 0:26:55and I said "What do you think they are?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57"Green ones are limes, yellow ones are lemons."
0:26:57 > 0:26:59She said, "How many have you got?"
0:26:59 > 0:27:01I said "I've got 45 lemons and 89 limes"
0:27:01 > 0:27:05She said, "Sorry, are you saying four to five lemons and eight to nine limes?"
0:27:05 > 0:27:07I said, "No, I'm saying 45 lemons and 89 limes."
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- She said...- Wow.- She went, "You're an idiot.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12"What am I supposed to do with all them?"
0:27:12 > 0:27:15I said, "You tell me, you asked for 45 lemons and 89 limes."
0:27:15 > 0:27:17"No, four to five lemons and eight to nine limes."
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I said, "Sorry, can I check what you're saying?"
0:27:19 > 0:27:22She said, "I'm saying four to five lemons and eight to nine limes."
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- When it all became clear.- Yeah, she said, "They're for drinks."
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I said, "I know, but your family are alcoholics.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29"I thought there was just loads of drinks going to be happening."
0:27:29 > 0:27:31She went, "I was going to make something tarty."
0:27:31 > 0:27:36- I think you'd have laughed about it rather than had a row.- These things always happen in our house.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I remember saying to my wife I only wanted four to five kids
0:27:38 > 0:27:39and now we run an orphanage.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- So what are you thinking, David? - What do you think?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I just don't believe that she would say,
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"Go and get eight to nine limes."
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Sorry, can I just check, you saying 89 limes or eight to nine limes?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I can see it happening... I asked my husband once,
0:27:53 > 0:27:55"Could you get me 89 Mars Bars?"
0:27:55 > 0:27:57And he only got me eight.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04- What are you thinking David? - Well, we'll say lie.- You say lie.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07OK, Lee, was it truth or was it a lie?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09It's a lie.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10A lie?
0:28:10 > 0:28:16- Lie.- Yes, a lie. Lee didn't buy 45 lemons and 89 limes.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17END-OF-ROUND BUZZER
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Oh, and that noise signals time is up
0:28:19 > 0:28:21and I can reveal that David's team
0:28:21 > 0:28:23have won by four points to one.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30But of course, it's not just a team game,
0:28:30 > 0:28:34my individual liar of the week this week is Jo Brand.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Yes, Jo Brand.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41First a BAFTA, now this - that's a downwards trajectory.
0:28:41 > 0:28:42Good night.