0:00:15 > 0:00:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Good evening, and welcome to "Would I Lie to You?",
0:00:25 > 0:00:29the show with naked truths and well-dressed lies.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32On David Mitchell's team tonight... I'd typically do a joke
0:00:32 > 0:00:35here about his cockney roots, but I don't think that's appropriate,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38and, besides, I don't want to mug him off - it's Danny Dyer.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:40 > 0:00:44And a comedian who did Hispanic Studies at university,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47partly so he could learn about the rich culture but mainly because
0:00:47 > 0:00:50they were allowed a siesta in the afternoon - it's Jon Richardson.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:55And on Lee Mack's team tonight, she's the first voice I hear
0:00:55 > 0:00:57when I wake up in the morning.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Insert your own joke.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00It's Moira Stewart.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:05And a comedian who provided the voice-over
0:01:05 > 0:01:07for ITV2's Magaluf Weekender -
0:01:07 > 0:01:12a sweaty loud Mecca for unpleasant, horny teenagers,
0:01:12 > 0:01:14ITV2 is available on most Freeview boxes.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - It's Joe Lycett.- Hello.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23And, so, we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists
0:01:23 > 0:01:25each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before -
0:01:28 > 0:01:31they've no idea what they'll be faced with - and it's up to the
0:01:31 > 0:01:35opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction, and Jon is first up.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42On a camping trip, I won an award for having the tidiest tent
0:01:42 > 0:01:45even though I'd wet my sleeping bag.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Lee's team.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49True.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Was this as a child, or was this recently?
0:01:57 > 0:01:58No, I was a child.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59How old were you?
0:01:59 > 0:02:04I guess I was about six or seven.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And was it the Scouts?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- No.- What was it?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12It was, erm, the Woodcraft Folk.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- LAUGHTER - The what?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19The Woodcraft Folk? What kind of organisation is that?
0:02:19 > 0:02:20It's like the Scouts.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Is it literally about going away to craft wood, to make things
0:02:25 > 0:02:27out of wood, or more about generally lighting fires and...
0:02:27 > 0:02:30No, it's woodcraft in a more general sense...
0:02:32 > 0:02:35What exactly is woodcraft in a general sense?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38It's, well, you know...
0:02:38 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:43How do we know, Jon? Cos I don't think you know.
0:02:43 > 0:02:49- It's...wood, erm... - LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Do you want to change the name of the organisation?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57That's what they say at every meeting of the Woodcraft Folk.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01So the Woodcraft Folk, they head off into the woods together,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04they find a clearing, they set up camp
0:03:04 > 0:03:06and what sort of things do they do?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08We might spot birds,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11we might rub trees.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Do you ever spot trees and rub birds?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Only if you don't want to get your tree-rubbing
0:03:19 > 0:03:21and bird-spotting badges.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- So there are badges?- Yes.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25- OK.- Yes, yes, there were badges.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28What, what badges do you have? Did you...?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Ah, well, first badge would be sewing badge, obviously,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34otherwise all subsequent badges would fall off.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- Then...- Bird-spotting. - Bird-spotting badge.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- Tree-rubbing.- Tree-rubbing. - Tree-rubbing.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Tree-rubbing was just to chill out.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50It can't all be about getting badges.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52All right, how many people were on the...
0:03:52 > 0:03:53in the competition of tidiest tent?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Ah, 15?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Did you just suddenly go back to childhood with that voice?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- 15.- That's more like it.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07So, 15 kids, all trying to have the tidiest tent.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Well, in the...not that... not exclusively
0:04:09 > 0:04:14but we stayed in tents, and to instil an atmosphere of tidiness,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- every morning there would be tent checks...- Tent checks.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- ..and whoever's tent was the tidiest would be rewarded.- Right.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21How many boys per tent?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Not just boys, boys and girls.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- Whoa, hang on a minute. - LAUGHTER
0:04:26 > 0:04:28These were mixed tents.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33I shared a tent with my sister, who was also in the Woodcraft Folk.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36How did the other Woodcraft Folk react to it?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39They never found out.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Did your sister find out?- Yeah.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43She was aware, yes.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46She was one of the first to be aware.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Do you think they gave you the prize to sort of patronise you,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51because they felt sorry for you?
0:04:51 > 0:04:52A prize is a prize.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54LAUGHTER
0:04:54 > 0:04:56So, other than the swampy conditions,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59it was...it was very nice and very tidy?
0:04:59 > 0:05:04Yes, the tent was very tidy because everything was outside drying off.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07What do you think, Lee, is he telling the truth?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- I don't know. What do we think, Moira?- I think it's true.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11You do? Why do you think it's true?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- He looks like a bed-wetter. - Well, I know that.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Ah, do you know, the worst thing is,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24when you say it, it sounds like news.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31I think it's probably true, yeah.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33You're coming round to true, as well? We'll say true, then.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36He's going to say true. OK, Jon, truth or lie?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Why would I admit on telly to such a...
0:05:39 > 0:05:41true!
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Yes, it's true.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Jon did win an award for the tidiest tent,
0:05:50 > 0:05:53even though he'd wet his sleeping bag.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Joe, you're next.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55OK.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59If I'm ever walking alone at night, I call out
0:05:59 > 0:06:03the name of an imaginary dog to deter any muggers.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- LAUGHTER - David's team.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- What's the name of the dog?- Yeah.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- Brian.- Brian.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Cos if it's going to be a vicious dog
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- it would be Brian, wouldn't it? Definitely.- Yeah.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17And do you think a would-be attacker would,
0:06:17 > 0:06:18from the tone that you say Brian,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21know that you mean a dog and not a Brian?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23To me, it sounds like you'd be calling a, you know,
0:06:23 > 0:06:27a middle aged civil servant to you. LAUGHTER
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Well, erm, it's because I read an article, erm,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34with...written by Derren Brown, in which he said
0:06:34 > 0:06:37if you're in a situation where things look like
0:06:37 > 0:06:40they're getting a bit choppy, if you do something unusual,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43the other person is so sort of freaked out by that,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46they stop doing what they're doing if they're being a bit aggressive.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51How...how do you shout? Imagine I'm a terrifying would-be assassin.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52You know, in your whole panel,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55maybe you're not the first choice for that role.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58LAUGHTER Jon. Imagine if Jon was...
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Erm, so, all right, imagine Danny is a terrifying would-be assassin.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Yes.- And, do... You know, go for it.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Brian.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- That's...- You don't want to attack me now, do you?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17No, that's...that's terrifying, to be honest with you.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Is it just someone comes up to you at night, you know,
0:07:20 > 0:07:22asks you for the time and you go, "Brian," and you just flip out or,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24is it a general mugging?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27I like you, Danny. Erm...
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Everyone's got their own showbiz personas and you
0:07:29 > 0:07:34and Danny have completely gone for different ones, haven't you?
0:07:34 > 0:07:35I think we're very similar in many ways.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- Yeah, no, I do, I do. I do. - We're lovers.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- Danny, stay calm, please, please. - Well. I wouldn't push it.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- Calm down, calm down.- If I were you, I'd start shouting "Brian."
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Have to say, Joe, you're playing with fire there.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49I'd leave it if I were you.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- I'm feeling this one. - You think it's true?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I think he'd read a Derren Brown book for a start,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- he's that sort of... - I believe the Derren Brown article
0:07:56 > 0:07:59but the whole point of that is that you say something random that sort of
0:07:59 > 0:08:01puts people off their stride,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03whereas you're going for something specific -
0:08:03 > 0:08:06calling upon a dog called Brian to come to your aid.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08But that's immediately disprovable.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12The absence of Brian is immediately evident. That's...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Whereas calling upon Brian,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16they're going to go, "Brian? Oh, there's no Brian, fine."
0:08:16 > 0:08:18LAUGHTER
0:08:18 > 0:08:21My big sticking point is still, if you were trying to create
0:08:21 > 0:08:25the illusion that you had a dog, why you would give it a person's name.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- Yeah.- What, you just shout "dog?"
0:08:27 > 0:08:29You'd shout, like...
0:08:29 > 0:08:32More like a dog, Rover or Fido.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35That would be good if he had a dog called Dog that would...
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"DOG!"
0:08:38 > 0:08:40"Dog!"
0:08:40 > 0:08:42What would you call him, Jon? Rambo, Tyson...?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Well, my defence is slightly different, I would wet my pants.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48APPLAUSE
0:08:51 > 0:08:52So, what are you thinking, David?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- Jon?- I don't believe it.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- Danny?- Well, I think... I think it's true.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- You think it's true? - I think he's a... Yeah.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Now, I don't know, I have to make a decision.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05My gut is that it's not true.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Let's go no, then. Let's have a lie.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Let's say lie.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12You're going to say Lie. OK, Joe, truth or lie?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- It was a lie.- Yes.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- LEE:- Good try, though.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Yes, it was a lie all along.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Joe doesn't call out the name of an imaginary dog to deter muggers.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Danny, you're next.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- It's a possession.- Oh, right, OK, there's a box under the desk.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Now, if you could first of all read the card out that's in the box...
0:09:33 > 0:09:38- All right.- ..and then take out the possession and pop it on the desk.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Last year, on a visit to the zoo...
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- What? - LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I've been to a zoo, you know what I mean?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Last year on a visit to the zoo, I put on a mask
0:09:51 > 0:09:54so that no-one would recognise me. This is that mask.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56No need to be quite so aggressive about it.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Could you put it on your face, please, Danny?- Yeah, no,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- I'll whack it on, yeah, course, yeah.- Yeah, let me have a look.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- LAUGHTER - Look at that.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Now, can I just hear you say, "Two ice creams, please."
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Er, could I get a couple of ice creams, please?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Excuse me, I hope you don't mind me asking but,
0:10:18 > 0:10:20aren't you Danny Dyer wearing a zebra mask?
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- LAUGHTER - So, OK, now...
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Can I...can I take it off now?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Yes, of course you can. Of course you can.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29So, where did you get that mask from?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- Eh? I don't get it. - You heard, don't buy for time.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I'm not buying for time. No, I bought it at the zoo, didn't I?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Where do you think I bought it? Look at it.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38So did you plan before you went to the zoo not to be recognised,
0:10:38 > 0:10:39that was always part of the plan?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41No, you never know. You go out with your kids and...
0:10:41 > 0:10:43When you got to the zoo you decided to...
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Well, it was on me, and... - What was on you?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- Like, people.- People were on you?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- Not on me, jumping on... - No, but I mean giving you the...
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Driving me mad.- Yeah.- Right, nice people. It's all love and all that
0:10:53 > 0:10:55but I needed to do something about it because, you know,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57me little 'un was getting the hump.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00You know, I was trying to look at the, you know, the old giraffes,
0:11:00 > 0:11:01this drugged-up giraffe.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04The giraffe didn't look well, to be honest with you.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07You've been round the zoo a bit, you're getting a bit of grief,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09you've had enough, you go to the gift shop...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Any reason why you chose a child's one?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Cos it looks very small on your head, that.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15It was just the first one I picked up and I needed to get one on,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18lively. I actually bought it, you know, with it on.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Do you know what I mean? I whacked it on.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- You didn't even want the person selling you it to recognise you.- No.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- Did she not scream and say, "We've got an escapee."- No.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Danny, where is this zoo?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31I can't, it's...it's round the corner to me it's...
0:11:31 > 0:11:35it's in Essex. It's only a little...little number.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37You know, there's a couple of rabbits in there,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- I mean, you know... - LAUGHTER
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Did you go and see the zebras?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44They didn't have any, not a zebra about them.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46You say that. Are you sure they weren't wearing a Danny Dyer mask?
0:11:46 > 0:11:50No... There was one, yeah, yeah, actually there was one.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52There was one.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I was disappointed, I ain't going to lie.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I felt bad for her, you know, I've took her out on a day out
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- and I've took her to a moody zoo. I mean, it wasn't...- Moody zoo?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02A moody zoo, and I've really promised. I said, "Listen, babe,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"me and you, we're going to have a lovely day."
0:12:04 > 0:12:05And I've took her to see
0:12:05 > 0:12:08a couple of rabbits and a moody giraffe, you know what I mean?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10So, in general, you know, it was a bit of a let down.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Do you mind, just, one more time placing that on?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Yeah, I'd love to put it on, love to.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- LAUGHTER - It's...it's very small.- The er...
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I reckon that I could recognise you from the voice
0:12:21 > 0:12:23and what's showing on the face.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Was this before you were on EastEnders or afterwards?
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- Erm, this was before. - So, you weren't being mobbed loads.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Well, still getting it a bit, you know what I mean?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36A lot of my...a lot of my fans... Can I take this off again now?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I wish you would. Yes, yes, I'm a little disturbed.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Thanks. No, you know, a lot of my fans hang out in zoos, so...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47So, you know...
0:12:47 > 0:12:48So, what do we think Moira?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I think he is so cool,
0:12:50 > 0:12:54that he can do other things rather than wear a zebra mask.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- To stop the attention? - To stop people, yes.- Like what?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Oh, saying,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02"Hey, no. I think you can get..."
0:13:04 > 0:13:07So, hang on, hang on, hang on. No, it's a...
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Is that what you do when people ask for photos?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14"Excuse me, are you Moira Stuart?"
0:13:14 > 0:13:17"Oi, no."
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- So, what's it going to be, Lee? - So, Moira says it's a lie.- Yeah.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Yeah, I think it's probably a lie. - Joe? You're going lie. OK.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Yeah, lie, yeah, lie.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I'll go with my team and say lie, then.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29You're going to say lie. OK, Danny, truth or lie?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- It's the truth.- Oh, wow.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Yes, it's true, Danny did wear a mask
0:13:36 > 0:13:39so he wouldn't be recognised at the zoo.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:13:43 > 0:13:45who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:13:48 > 0:13:50that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:13:50 > 0:13:53and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55So, please welcome this week's special guest, Charlotte.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05So, er, Joe what is Charlotte to you?
0:14:05 > 0:14:06This is Charlotte.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10In the evenings, I like to relax by watching videos of her
0:14:10 > 0:14:12wrapping gifts on YouTube.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13LAUGHTER
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Moira, how do you know Charlotte?
0:14:15 > 0:14:19This is Charlotte, she does such a good impression of me
0:14:19 > 0:14:24that I once let her pretend to be me on Radio 2 and no-one noticed.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25LAUGHTER
0:14:25 > 0:14:28And, Lee, what is your relationship with Charlotte?
0:14:28 > 0:14:34This is Charlotte and she is my judo instructor and she
0:14:34 > 0:14:37told me off recently when she caught me
0:14:37 > 0:14:41having a pint in my judo kit just before a tournament.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Before a tournament.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Oh. That's the very worst time to be drinking, isn't it?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51David, where do you want to start?
0:14:51 > 0:14:56Well, Joe, that sounds like one of the creepiest things I've ever heard.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00You watch her on YouTube, wrapping presents.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- Yes.- Why?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Um, because she's very good at it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08That is not an explanation, that's why you might ask her to
0:15:08 > 0:15:12wrap presents for you, not observe her doing it.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Well, no what she does, she does it, um...
0:15:14 > 0:15:18She takes great care over the way she's doing it, and it...
0:15:18 > 0:15:20- So, she's slow. - She's slow, and very...
0:15:20 > 0:15:23So, not very good at it.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Joe how long does it take Charlotte to wrap a present,
0:15:26 > 0:15:27would you say?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Um, in the videos, I think it's about half an hour.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Half an hour?!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Half an hour per present? What are these presents?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37What's she wrapping, a tank? I mean...
0:15:37 > 0:15:38LAUGHTER
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Why did you initially think, "What I need to relax is to watch
0:15:41 > 0:15:45"someone wrapping presents on my computer"?
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Well, since I've been a child, I've had this weird sensation
0:15:49 > 0:15:53when I watch people with bits of paper, particularly, where
0:15:53 > 0:15:57I get this lovely tingling in the back of my head and
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I remember it when my grandmother was doing some paperwork and she
0:16:00 > 0:16:04licked her finger and turned a page and it made me feel really lovely.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07The saddest thing is the idea that
0:16:07 > 0:16:10when you used to go round to your grandparents' house as a child,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13she used to do her paperwork while you were there.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I mean, mine used to take me out, they'd maybe cook lunch.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19"Joe's coming round, brilliant.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22"I've got some receipts I need to go through, so..."
0:16:22 > 0:16:26What you're saying, Jon, is that because of the years of neglect
0:16:26 > 0:16:28that Joe suffered as a child,
0:16:28 > 0:16:32he's come to substitute paper work for love.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33LAUGHTER
0:16:33 > 0:16:36It's a relaxing thing, it's like having a massage rather
0:16:36 > 0:16:38than like a sexual thing, it's not a...
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Opening, I understand. I understand a video of someone getting
0:16:41 > 0:16:43a present and watching the joy.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Watching someone wrap a present... Do you get to see who opens it?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- Well, no.- Or it just gets wrapped and that's the end?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- That's...yeah.- I suppose you play it backwards, couldn't you?
0:16:51 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER
0:16:54 > 0:16:56All right, David, who else would you like to question?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Moira, right, so what's this?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- she does the best impression of you ever?- Absolutely.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04And how did you find this out?
0:17:04 > 0:17:09I walked in on the production team on the floor two floors down
0:17:09 > 0:17:13from my studio and she happened to be in mid-rap.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- She was wrapping then? - Oh, she was wrapping?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Let's just remind you of who's saying what.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28- She was in mid-imitation.- Right, OK. - So, she works at the Beeb?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- Yes, she's a researcher.- Right, OK.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33So, she was mimicking you behind your back.
0:17:33 > 0:17:38- So, really, taking a liberty, really, in a way.- Having a giggle.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42And you rewarded her by whacking her... Not whacking, sorry.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43LAUGHTER
0:17:43 > 0:17:47You rewarded her by putting her on your show, that was...
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Not my show. It was the Chris Evans Breakfast show.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50- Chris Evans' show.- Yeah.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54- So, she actually read a bit of your bulletin?- Yes.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55- On his show.- His idea.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Oh, it was his idea? He's a little imp, isn't he?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02So, what would the introduction be? I mean, I'm trying to think.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I listen to you every day, of course I do.
0:18:04 > 0:18:11The introduction is - "This is BBC News, on the date.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13"I'm Moira Stuart, good morning."
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I'm genuinely having a panic attack that my kids are late for school.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17LAUGHTER
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- And that's the bit that Charlotte did?- Yes.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21DAVID: It's possible.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I think Moira's voice would be difficult to impersonate.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Don't encourage Rob.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- No, have a go. Have a go. - All right, I'll give it a try.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34But if it doesn't work, you may never do Ronnie Corbett again.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I'm out, no, I'm out. No, no, no, that's too great a risk.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- Right, what about Lee?- Lee.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Yes, tell us about how you got into judo in the first place.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Well, how does anyone get into judo?
0:18:49 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I was watching Kung Fu Panda.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53LAUGHTER
0:18:54 > 0:18:58- And...- What, and ruled out kung fu?
0:18:58 > 0:18:59LAUGHTER
0:18:59 > 0:19:03My kids loved it and so they decided to take up martial arts
0:19:03 > 0:19:06and they decided to take up judo. So, I took my children
0:19:06 > 0:19:09to the judo and it was a bonding thing. I said, "Ah, right."
0:19:09 > 0:19:11They said, "Come on, Dad, you do it." So, I joined
0:19:11 > 0:19:14the adult class whilst they did the kids' class.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16How many weeks have you been going to judo?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I'd say I've been to about 30 lessons.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- So, it's like a weekly class... - Correct.- ..for judo.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- But how does the tournament work? - Well, after...
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Is that on the same day as the class, or...?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Yeah, so, every week we have a class.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30And then he said to all the men and the women in the class, he said...
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Who's he?- Charlotte.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34LAUGHTER
0:19:34 > 0:19:38No, I haven't got to Charlotte yet. I haven't got to Charlotte.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- But I thought she was your judo instructor?- She is, she is.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- She is?- She is, yes. - But he said...- Let me finish.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45LAUGHTER
0:19:45 > 0:19:49I said tournament. Tournament. I've only done...
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I said, "I'll do a tournament when you have a sex change, mate."
0:19:51 > 0:19:52LAUGHTER
0:19:55 > 0:19:59She said, "Next week we're going to have a little bit of a tournament
0:19:59 > 0:20:00"between you lot."
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I thought it was just all a bit of fun, so I turned up the following
0:20:03 > 0:20:06week ready for my tournament and I got there a bit early, I dropped the
0:20:06 > 0:20:10kids off, but the adult class starts a bit later and I saw the pub.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Went over and I was chatting with the other bloke,
0:20:12 > 0:20:16- who's one of the dads.- Oh, right, so you're both in your judo gear?
0:20:16 > 0:20:17- Yes.- What's the name for that?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I call it the white dressing gown.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:22And she's come bowling in.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26So, she's come bowling in. I said, "Bowling's next door." And, er...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28LAUGHTER
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Why is she in the pub?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Because she's looking for us and we've gone on a bit late.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Oh, you've got...
0:20:33 > 0:20:35What actually happened was we were a bit late...
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Yeah, what did actually happen?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39LAUGHTER
0:20:39 > 0:20:40She's walking past the pub.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43We were actually at the bar, looking out the window, having a pint
0:20:43 > 0:20:46and a chat and we saw someone just sort of walk past and go...
0:20:50 > 0:20:52And then come in the pub and tell us off.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Cos yous two being the star pupils obviously you was going to...
0:20:55 > 0:20:57That's not how it works in martial arts, Danny.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- Not just the star pupils get respect.- Ah.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Everyone is equal.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01LAUGHTER
0:21:04 > 0:21:06And what's your favourite move in judo?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Cos judo is full of a wide variety of stances.
0:21:09 > 0:21:14What's the one that really gets Lee thinking, "This is for me"?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17If you had it narrow it down to your favourite six or seven...
0:21:17 > 0:21:18LAUGHTER
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I think it's probably teppanyaki.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Sorry?
0:21:22 > 0:21:23LAUGHTER
0:21:24 > 0:21:27That's a starter dish, isn't it?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Well, that's the funny thing, all judo moves are named after dishes.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I did the sushi, the teriyaki
0:21:33 > 0:21:36and the weird one you're not going to believe, the pot noodle.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38LAUGHTER
0:21:38 > 0:21:41If you wanted to demonstrate any moves, the floor is yours.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43If you feel that would help prove your point.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46So, well, what you do is, I mean... What would you like to see?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Well, first of all, your opening stance.- OK.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52LAUGHTER
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Well, don't do it back.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01An example of a move, Rob... Come out here I'll show you.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- I'll show you. - Not in a million years.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Get up, go on, get involved.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06CHEERING
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- Get involved.- What about Danny Dyer?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12You started it. You started this, Rob. Do you remember a minute ago
0:22:12 > 0:22:15when you said get out there? You're regretting that aren't you, Rob?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- Right, stand there. - How well have you taught him?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Stand there. So, the first move you'll do....
0:22:20 > 0:22:24- Bow to him, Rob, for God's sake, or he'll kill you.- Yeah, bow.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Not a curtsy, you fool!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Then you'll... Come here.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Brian! Brian!
0:22:35 > 0:22:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- You take a lapel like this.- Yeah.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- You'll take a lapel like this.- Yeah, OK. Whoa!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Right foot forward like this. - Yeah, don't you dare.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51I won't. And then you get like that. And then you go like that.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53LAUGHTER
0:22:53 > 0:22:54APPLAUSE
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- Sorry, Rob.- They just said in my ear, "Are you OK, Rob?"
0:23:18 > 0:23:20LAUGHTER
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I'm a BAFTA nominated actor!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24LAUGHTER
0:23:25 > 0:23:27So, we need an answer.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31David's team. Is Charlotte Joe's soothing stranger,
0:23:31 > 0:23:36Moira's mimicking mate, or Lee's martial arts master?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Right, let's just Lee out the way, I reckon.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40It's just silly, nah, nah.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Oi, oi, oi, come over here and say that.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Yeah, well, it doesn't seem very plausible
0:23:48 > 0:23:50but that was a good move you did.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Well, he goes over easy, though, don't he? Him, I mean...
0:23:52 > 0:23:55LAUGHTER
0:23:55 > 0:24:00I think it's Moira. I think Joe, he's an odd mark, but, um...
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- I don't know, what do you think? - Jon?- I think it's Moira.- Yeah.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I think we think it's Moira, I think
0:24:07 > 0:24:12on the basis that Lee has shown himself able to push Rob over,
0:24:12 > 0:24:16and that's not nothing, but at the same time, it's not much.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute...
0:24:18 > 0:24:22And just the wrapping thing, that's just so confusing as a thing
0:24:22 > 0:24:27that I think I'm going to pretend I've never heard it.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- You're going for Moira?- If the team's happy, we'll go for Moira.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32- Yeah.- The impersonation, the first bit of the news, OK.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Yeah, exactly.
0:24:33 > 0:24:38Charlotte. Would you please reveal your true identity?
0:24:38 > 0:24:39My name is Charlotte
0:24:39 > 0:24:42and Joe watches my videos to relax on an evening.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- Thank you very much, Charlotte. - Thank you.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies
0:24:55 > 0:24:57And we start with...
0:24:57 > 0:24:58BUZZER
0:24:58 > 0:24:59It's Moira.
0:25:00 > 0:25:07On a cold winter's evening, I like to treat myself to a jacket potato
0:25:07 > 0:25:09with a melted Kit Kat on top.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10LAUGHTER
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- David's team.- And now the weather.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14LAUGHTER
0:25:16 > 0:25:20I mean, it sounds delicious, the way Moira puts it. I mean, the...
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Any butter involved in this, or just the straight Kit Kat?
0:25:23 > 0:25:29- No, no, this is... But very, very, very hard skin.- Sorry?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31The jacket potato.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- Oh, sort of really crispy jacket, with...- Very crispy, yeah.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- And what sort of state's the Kit Kat in?- It's melted.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39What about the wafer? That don't really melt, does it, wafer?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Well, it adds a sort of an interesting kick.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Chunky or four finger?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46LAUGHTER
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Please.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Sorry. You'll have to excuse Jon, he's not been speed dating before.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I only know the double Kit Kat.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- You've not heard of the classic four finger Kit Kat?- Times are hard.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:09When did this start, Moira? How did you discover this?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Oh, about three years ago.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Really, and what sparked it off?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I thought, "I like jacket potatoes."
0:26:16 > 0:26:21- Who doesn't?- "I've done the tuna." - Who hasn't?- "Let me try the Kit Kat.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Why not?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24LAUGHTER
0:26:24 > 0:26:27That's the next stage, yeah.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Have you ever heard, Moira, of cheese?
0:26:29 > 0:26:33LAUGHTER
0:26:33 > 0:26:36So, just a couple of years ago, is it? Someone introduced you to it.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40They go, "Listen, you want to whack a Kit Kat on a jacket potato."
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I don't think anyone Moira knows has ever used the phrase,
0:26:42 > 0:26:44"Whack a Kit Kat on it."
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I don't think Moira knows anyone who talks like that. Am I right, Moira?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Can I ask more about the cooking process?
0:26:51 > 0:26:52It's very, very lengthy.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55LAUGHTER
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Moira. Don't push it.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Obviously, of course, but at the end of it, you've got a jacket potato
0:27:01 > 0:27:06with a Kit Kat on it, so, it's worth hours and hours of work.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11You blast it in the microwave. Then you put it in the oven
0:27:11 > 0:27:14for, oh, about 20 minutes.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Then you halve it, then you slap the Kit Kat on top,
0:27:17 > 0:27:18do another ten minutes.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21What do you think, David, is she telling the truth?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24I think it sounds like a disgusting meal.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Am I the only one that thinks that actually sounds really nice?
0:27:27 > 0:27:28I quite like that.
0:27:28 > 0:27:33I like cars and I like chips, but I don't drive over my chips.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Not everything that you like should be mashed together in the same...
0:27:37 > 0:27:39That's rich, coming from 8 Out of Cats Does Countdown.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42LAUGHTER
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- So what are you going to say, David?- Danny, do you...
0:27:48 > 0:27:52I think she's a very sophisticated woman and I think, you know,
0:27:52 > 0:27:53very cultured.
0:27:53 > 0:28:00No way in the world would this lady whack a Kit Kat on a jacket potato.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04That's the line we go out on! Doosh! Doosh! Doosh, doosh, doosh, doosh!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06LAUGHTER
0:28:06 > 0:28:09I think, all in all, we don't believe it.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12So, Moira, truth or lie?
0:28:12 > 0:28:15I'm not having it, it's a lie.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18APPLAUSE
0:28:18 > 0:28:22- KLAXON - And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25And I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to two.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:28 > 0:28:30But, of course, it's not just a team game,
0:28:30 > 0:28:35my individual liar of the week this week is Danny Dyer.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Yes, Danny Dyer, mainly because I'm frightened of what
0:28:39 > 0:28:42he might do to me if I give it to someone else. Goodnight.