0:00:20 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?
0:00:26 > 0:00:30the show where deception is the dish of the day.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33And on Lee Mack's team tonight - charismatic, charming, gorgeous,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35and a beautiful Welsh accent,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38but enough about me, it's Alex Jones.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45And a man who in the 1970s' punk era was an angry young poet.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Of course, he's completely different now,
0:00:47 > 0:00:51he's an angry old poet, it's John Cooper Clarke.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedian
0:00:57 > 0:01:01who used to be a drama teacher. Shakespeare, Chekhov, Pinter,
0:01:01 > 0:01:05were just some of the books he threw at the pupils, it's Greg Davies.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12And a TV presenter who regularly hosts episodes of Made In Chelsea.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Now, if you've not seen the show, just imagine a really good drama
0:01:15 > 0:01:19and watch that instead, it's Rick Edwards.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25And so to Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out
0:01:25 > 0:01:27a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:30 > 0:01:32they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- and Alex is first up tonight.- OK.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43The first time I used eBay, I accidently bought a canoe
0:01:43 > 0:01:45instead of a handbag.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49David's team.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Well, how did that error occur?
0:01:52 > 0:01:57Well, back in the day, when eBay was pretty new,
0:01:57 > 0:02:01I thought I'd have a little go and I quite like vintage-y stuff
0:02:01 > 0:02:04and old clothes - although when they're delivered
0:02:04 > 0:02:05it's not quite as good
0:02:05 > 0:02:08cos they always smell a bit musty and have an air of dead people -
0:02:08 > 0:02:12- but I like the idea.- Yeah.- Um, and...- Did you get that from eBay?
0:02:12 > 0:02:13HE SNIFFS
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Oh, is that you?
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Sorry, carry on.
0:02:20 > 0:02:26So, I was scrolling through, as you do, and saw a lovely clutch bag.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I know I've lost you all already, haven't I?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- What's a clutch bag?- A clutch bag is a, is a little bag...
0:02:31 > 0:02:36- For keeping the pedal from a car in. - ..that you clutch.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38And you have an accelerator bag and a brake bag.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45So, what are we saying, Alex? You, you saw a clutch bag, you were miming putting the clutch bag
0:02:45 > 0:02:50under your arm to get into it and then you pressed canoe by accident?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53In fact, in the modern computer, they've taken the canoe button
0:02:53 > 0:02:56off the keyboard because this kept happening.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- OK, you're looking at eBay, what happens next?- I'm scrolling through. - Right.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02It started off at 99p.
0:03:02 > 0:03:0599 pence, John. Are you in?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- For a, for a vintage bag? - Yeah.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10You're in. Anyway...
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- Next thing you know - £14!- Ah!
0:03:16 > 0:03:21- I'm thinking about pulling out.- Yep. - Cos that's quite a lot for a vintage bag.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26- But anyway, on it went.- Yeah.- £32. - And you're still bidding?
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Are you still in, John?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Ah, no, I wasn't even in when it was 99p.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37You were wrong about that. You read me wrong there, Alex.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I don't know what my body language was saying, but...
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- OK, so the price is going up, you're tracking, that's what they call it...- £32.
0:03:45 > 0:03:51- We're 32.- You're tracking the bag. - And I think it's a good time to go to bed, leave it.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- Next morning...- Yeah.- ..email on the laptop...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58"Congratulations, your bid was successful.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01"You have bought a second hand red canoe."
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- It's quite a jump, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:04:05 > 0:04:10You think that's a terrible story, there's some fella
0:04:10 > 0:04:14who's boat was going down, he says, "Don't worry, I've got this covered."
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Tried to squeeze a family of five into a vintage handbag.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19So, you emailed the canoe man saying,
0:04:19 > 0:04:24- "Instead of the canoe, could I have the..."- The clutch bag.- "..clutch handbag that looks like a..."
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- And he said, "I haven't got a clutch handbag to offer."- Yeah.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30And I said, "Well, you've lied because I bid on a clutch handbag."
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Oh. So, do you think he was luring people in by putting photographs
0:04:34 > 0:04:37of vintage handbags, which people then bid on and bid on, bid on.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Whatever they pay, whatever the handbag looks like,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- they only get a canoe.- Canoe.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48Maybe seven times out of ten, people make do with the canoe.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54He must have looked into it.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Have you ever seen at the opening night of a film
0:04:57 > 0:05:00a glamorous starlet turning up with...
0:05:01 > 0:05:05The commentators are saying, "It's an incredibly large clutch bag."
0:05:06 > 0:05:08OK, what are you thinking, David?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I think, I don't know. What do you think?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- I...there's too much of a gap. - Do you think it's true?
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- No, I think it's a lie.- I think it's a lie, as well.- We think it's a lie. - You all think it's a lie?
0:05:17 > 0:05:22- We think it's a lie.- Conclusively a lie.- Conclusively a lie. - OK, Alex, truth or lie?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Silly boys, it was in fact...
0:05:24 > 0:05:26true.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Well done, you.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Yes, it's true.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Alex did accidentally buy a canoe instead of a handbag on eBay.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Greg, your turn.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45I once caused an injury to one man whilst trying to get
0:05:45 > 0:05:48a different man to say the word vegetables.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Lee's team.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56- Right. Just the word vegetables? - Yeah.- Do you really like the word vegetables?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59No, not as a general rule, no. But I liked it when this man said it.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Why? What was it about this man, the way he said vegetables, that was funny?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Did he have a speech impediment, or...- No, he didn't.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10He was a very intense man, though. And he was also Austrian.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I was with a friend once - and he was a colleague of ours, sorry -
0:06:13 > 0:06:18and I overheard him say vegetables and we both found it incredibly funny...
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Sorry, can you just roughly give us an impression of how he used to say vegetables? Even just roughly.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- He said it exactly like this... - IN EXAGGERATED ACCENT:- Vegeteballs.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31And then we happened to be on a coach trip with him and so we spent the whole coach trip trying
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- to get him to say vegetables again. - So, where were you? Where were you going and how do you know him?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- Ah, I was on a school trip. I used to be a teacher.- And he was a teacher?- Yeah, he was a teacher.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- What did he teach?- He was the head of languages and he was...
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- Head of languages?!- Yeah.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46The head of languages used to go...
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- IN FUNNY ACCENT:- ..vegetable.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- IN FUNNY ACCENT:- Vegetables!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Imagine, imagine I'm the man. OK, I'm on the coach.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I'm sat. We're driving. Off you go.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59So, I said, so...
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Ja?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT:- You're very big, aren't you?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08This isn't like him, at all.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- IN CAMP AUSTRIAN ACCENT:- You're very big, aren't you?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13That's him.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18So, I would saying things like,
0:07:18 > 0:07:22"Oh, I've, I've been trying to keep fit lately and I know that
0:07:22 > 0:07:27"you're into keep fit, what would you recommend for a healthy diet?"
0:07:27 > 0:07:28And he was going...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT:- "Well, you know, I would...
0:07:30 > 0:07:33"you must eat a balanced diet. You must eat greens.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37"And, you, you must enjoy some protein in, in limited..."
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I was going, "Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, if you were to group some of
0:07:40 > 0:07:43"those foods together..."
0:07:43 > 0:07:47And he was going, "Well, yeah. You must have carbohydrates, of course.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50"And you must have..." And it was, it was horrific.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55It went on for about an hour and every time I tried to find
0:07:55 > 0:07:59a new angle for vegetables, his ludicrous Austrian interpretation
0:07:59 > 0:08:02of things led us down a dark alley. It took...it was literally an hour in the making.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05And how did you finally get him to say it?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I honestly can't remember, it came out of nowhere
0:08:08 > 0:08:11and he suddenly said it and he said it with such passion.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15It was, he went, "Oh, well, of course, you must have vegetables!"
0:08:17 > 0:08:21I started biting my hand to stop myself from laughing.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24And my friend who was next to me,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27there was a jagged piece of metal at the front of the coach
0:08:27 > 0:08:30and because it was so funny - just to remind you...
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- IN FUNNY ACCENT:- "Vegetables, of course!" -
0:08:32 > 0:08:38I went like this and my friend saw the piece of metal and pushed his knee into it on purpose
0:08:38 > 0:08:40to stop himself from laughing
0:08:40 > 0:08:44- and blood started like spraying out of his...- Snout?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Started spraying out of his knee, yeah.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Oh, that was...this is a bit elaborate, this story.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52I'll tell you another detail. We went and did the trip, which was
0:08:52 > 0:08:56in Paris, and then after we came all the way back, all the way back to...
0:08:56 > 0:09:02to, Calais, and I said to him,
0:09:02 > 0:09:06"You know we put all the kids' passports in that hotel in Paris last night?
0:09:06 > 0:09:11"Did you, did you remember to..." Cos he was in charge of the trip, "..did you remember to bring those?"
0:09:11 > 0:09:14And he was standing up in front of the children on the coach
0:09:14 > 0:09:17and he went, "Oh, scheisse!"
0:09:30 > 0:09:33And he had to speak to the port authorities and get permission to
0:09:33 > 0:09:37take the kids on without passports while he went back on his own.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Can I tell you one more detail, as well? We were also standing in the middle of Paris
0:09:41 > 0:09:44under the Eiffel Tower, we'd been there for an hour, and the kids were all running around,
0:09:44 > 0:09:50and he came over and went, "We must, we must go. We are late for our next appointment."
0:09:50 > 0:09:53And I said, "Well, we should just make sure that all the kids are here."
0:09:53 > 0:09:56And he goes, "Yes, of course we should. Yes." And he turned round and went,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"Is everybody here?!"
0:10:05 > 0:10:11And all the kids went, "Yeah, yeah." And he went, "Well, then, we will move on."
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- IN FUNNY ACCENT:- Vegetables!
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- What are you thinking, Lee? - Oh.- I think it's true.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- True from John. - Yeah, defo. Yeah.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24I think a lie. You are a fantastic actor, Mr Greg Davies.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Well... So, what are you going to say?
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- OK. What do we think, Alex?- I think you'll find I'm BAFTA nominated.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35We're all BAFTA nominated.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42False.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44OK, we'll go lie.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48- You're going to say it's a lie. Greg?- Ah.- Truth, or lie?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50It is the...
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- truth.- Oh.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Well, I'm sorry. - Yes, that was all true.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:11:01 > 0:11:04who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:11:06 > 0:11:09that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:11:09 > 0:11:12and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15So, please welcome this week's special guest, Mary.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:23 > 0:11:29Now, then, Mary is the dog, not the handler. OK? It's Mary and...
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Obviously, cos if Mary had been
0:11:30 > 0:11:32the handler, she wouldn't have had a dog,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34she would have had a little lamb. Wouldn't she?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38OK. Alex, what is Mary to you?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42This is Mary, a dog, and I had to spend an entire episode
0:11:42 > 0:11:46of The One Show covering up the fact that she'd been sick on me.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50OK. So, John, how do you know Mary?
0:11:50 > 0:11:55This is Mary, I recited a poem at her wedding.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00There we are, John's married mutt.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03And finally, Lee,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06what is your relationship with Mary?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09This is Mary and when she was pining for her owners,
0:12:09 > 0:12:13I sat up with her all night and tried to comfort her with a song.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18All right, David's team, where do you want to start?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Alex, why was Mary on The One Show?
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- She was abandoned.- So, if... - I know you can't believe it.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29If a dog is ever abandoned in Britain, should it happen,
0:12:29 > 0:12:33they immediately get a slot on national television, just to sort
0:12:33 > 0:12:36it out, just to check that there are no dogs without homes ever.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38It was a very light day.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Was it a day with...
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- AS MATT BAKER:- "Me, Matt Baker." Or was it Chris Evans?
0:12:42 > 0:12:43It was...
0:12:43 > 0:12:48- AS MATT BAKER:- "Me, Matt Baker," and Mary came on...
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- AS MATT BAKER:- "It's me, Matt Baker, from the One Show."
0:12:51 > 0:12:55I think what we've learnt from that, ladies and gentlemen, is that Rob can't do Chris Evans.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:00 > 0:13:06Well... So, little Mary, comes on the show and we want to re-home her,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09we gave her lots of treats because she was on television,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12she came to sit on me and then
0:13:12 > 0:13:16the treats all became a bit much, under the lights, mess.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19OK, so you didn't have a story for The One Show,
0:13:19 > 0:13:24you scooped up a stray dog, pumped it full of sugar
0:13:24 > 0:13:27and got your just desserts.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Why wasn't it immediately noticeable that Mary was being sick?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Because as we were linking into whatever came next,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36it wasn't relevant, we'd moved away from Mary.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Oh, yeah. Matt Baker was pushing Bounty bars into a pony's face by then.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45In the meantime, Mary is being violently sick.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- So, you're talking about something else...- Yeah.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51- We, we go onto something else. - ..you're stroking Mary on your knee...- Stroking Mary.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Then, Matt Baker's saying...
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Matt Baker's spooning Angel Delight into a fox.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03What I want to clarify is, what's on television at that moment?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- My face.- Your face? So, it's a close-up of your face?
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- See, it's only to here, so you can't...- Can't see that you're stroking Mary
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- or that it's come to some sort of fruition...- ..and you can't see the mess.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14And they just said, "Just carry on."
0:14:14 > 0:14:19OK. Did Mary stay there or did Mary sort of think, "Well there's sick here"?
0:14:20 > 0:14:24She didn't have time to react anyway, Matt Baker was on top of her with a Curly Wurly, just...
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Well, you've got room for more now, haven't you? Yeah.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34OK. John, when you came up with your story,
0:14:34 > 0:14:37did you realise that Mary was a dog?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Yes, of course.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46You do have dog weddings.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Some owners channel their loneliness through events
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- like that, don't they?- Well, I'm trying to... I've been to a lot of weddings in my...
0:14:52 > 0:14:56I'm just going through them - human, human, hu...
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Do you know what? I think they might all be human.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- Now, listen, listen, dogs do... - It is a fact that dogs get married.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06- Dogs get married.- But also it is a fact that dogs don't get married.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07All right, OK.
0:15:07 > 0:15:12So, John, you wrote a poem and performed it at the wedding of Mary.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- Tell us about the experience.- Well, it was a poem I'd already written
0:15:16 > 0:15:20that had proved to be very popular at modern weddings.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24It's called I Wanna Be Yours and the first verse goes,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27"Let me be your vacuum cleaner breathing in your dust,
0:15:27 > 0:15:29"Let me be your Morris Marina, I will never rust.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32"If you like your coffee hot, let me be your coffee pot.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35"You call the shots, I wanna be yours."
0:15:35 > 0:15:37It goes on for another three verses.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Thank you, thank you.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Who is Mary's owner and do you know the owner?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Yes, Mary's owners live next door but one
0:15:49 > 0:15:52on the right hand side of our house.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58- Going out...- Right.- If you're going out, she's on the right-hand side. - No, it's a good point.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- So, if you go in the back door, they're on the left, aren't they? - Yeah, that's right.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06- I'm happy with that. - And, John, describe the... What was the ceremony like?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09It was conducted by the vet...
0:16:11 > 0:16:16..who had neutered her husband.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22It's kind of sick. If the arrangements had have been explained to me beforehand,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- I don't think I would have got involved.- Yeah.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28What was the husband's name, the dog that was fulfilling
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- the role of the husband here, do you remember the name?- Tyson.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Tyson?
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Did you know Tyson, the owners of Tyson, or did you only know the owners of Mary?
0:16:37 > 0:16:41I knew the owners of Mary better, but I did know the owners of Tyson, as well.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46- So, Tyson and Mary weren't owned by the same people?- No. No.- So, how were they going to cohabit?
0:16:46 > 0:16:51- Cos usually dogs tend to live with their...- Well, good question.- ..tend to live with their owners
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- rather than setting up home on their own.- Good question, David.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58Tyson lived next door but one on the left going out.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06So, they saw a lot of each other without actually cohabitating.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09John, where did the wedding itself take place?
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Um...
0:17:10 > 0:17:15At a place called...Old Hall.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17They breed their own sheep.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22So, as it happens, Mary did have a little lamb.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Lee. OK, remind us.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33So, this is Mary and when she was pining for her owners,
0:17:33 > 0:17:38- I stayed up with her all night and comforted her with a song.- Aww.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Where were you? And why were you with Mary? And why was Mary not with her owners?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45My next door neighbours, they went away to a wedding -
0:17:45 > 0:17:48a human wedding, I don't know if you've heard of them -
0:17:48 > 0:17:52and they asked me and my wife to look after little Mary.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54So, the dog came round to your house...
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Well, no, we picked him up cos he doesn't know the way.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- And so is Mary male? - You just called him a he.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Do you always call Mary "he"?
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Well, yeah, no. Sorry - she. Sorry, I always get mixed up.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11My husband Tara sorts it all out, I don't.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13So, what happened then?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16My wife went to bed and the kids were asleep, so it's just me and Mary.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19You know, I was watching the TV and she was fine, she was happy
0:18:19 > 0:18:23just sort of lying in front of the fire and then suddenly it started.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- What?- The programme, it was brilliant!
0:18:27 > 0:18:28The pining.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30HE PINES PITIFULLY
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Awww...
0:18:36 > 0:18:39So, this pining it got worse, the pining got worse and worse
0:18:39 > 0:18:41and it was breaking my heart, it really was,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43and ruining the show I was watching. So, I...
0:18:43 > 0:18:48It wasn't, it was The One Show, I didn't care. I phoned up...
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Your wife goes to bed before The One Show?
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- No, David. I'd recorded it. - Good boy!- I always record it.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- You record The One Show?- Watch it when there's literally nothing else to watch.
0:19:00 > 0:19:07And I phoned up my neighbour who was at the wedding
0:19:07 > 0:19:09and I said, "Look, Mary's pining."
0:19:09 > 0:19:11She said, "Have you tried everything?"
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I said, "I've done everything. I've taken my foot off her tail. I've..."
0:19:14 > 0:19:17So, they said - well you're not going to believe this - they said,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"But there is a way that you can keep her calm and she calms down."
0:19:20 > 0:19:24- Right.- "Do you by any chance have the song
0:19:24 > 0:19:26"Money For Nothing by Dire Straits?"
0:19:29 > 0:19:32And she said, the owner said,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34"If you play that song on your CD player,
0:19:34 > 0:19:39"Mary will calm down." So, I get the CD, I put it on and it was like magic.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41It was unbelievable, the second it went...
0:19:41 > 0:19:42HE SINGS THE GUITAR INTRO
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Look!
0:19:47 > 0:19:49The dog! Can I just say, you won't
0:19:49 > 0:19:52be needing any more biscuits, I'll take it from here.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55HE CONTINUES GUITAR RIFF
0:19:55 > 0:20:00And she... Look, she's calm, she's calming down.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02All right, we need an answer.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07So, David's team - is Mary, Alex's poorly pup,
0:20:07 > 0:20:11John's married mutt or Lee's homesick hound?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Well, I must say, I'm not finding Lee's story as
0:20:14 > 0:20:16quite as convincing as usual.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22You can imagine John reading that poem out at a dog's wedding.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Very easily.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Hold on a second, guys. I think Mary's getting a little bit bored,
0:20:27 > 0:20:29so we'll let her pop off.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30APPLAUSE
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- Look, we thought that might happen. So...- So, we're going to get down on all fours and put this wig on.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Ah, no way.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46You know what's going to happen, David, just to warn you, if this works tonight,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49they'll start replacing other people with cut-outs and we're out of a job.
0:20:49 > 0:20:54I'm sorry. I'm just, like, if someone just tunes in now and goes "What the hell?"
0:20:54 > 0:20:58And, "I don't know what they're doing, but that dog is very well behaved."
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Playing with the remote, "Is this on pause?"
0:21:01 > 0:21:04That's it, nobody move, just really shock the audience.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11APPLAUSE
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Can I just say, that's not going to work if you clap.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22OK. Greg, what do you think? The dog throwing up on The One Show?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I believe Matt Baker's capable of that cruelty,
0:21:25 > 0:21:29but I...on this occasion I don't think he did, no.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- I mean, I'm erring on the side of John.- OK.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- It's got to be John, I want it to be so badly.- Yeah, I do as well.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- I think we're going to go with John, then, are we?- OK.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41You're saying it's John? Right. Now, Mary is resting,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44so I will give Mary's answer for her.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Get behind the cardboard cut-out.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- IN GRUFF VOICE:- My name is Mary.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58And I do Tommy Cooper impressions!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- I'm doing a dog!- I'm sorry.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06That's not a good image.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09You are genuine... I'm not just saying it.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11You look at that, you are genuinely to scale
0:22:11 > 0:22:13as if you were a jockey on a horse.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:24My name is Mary and I can reveal that
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I was sick on Alex during The One Show. Thank you very much.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28No!
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Cooper Clarke's a genius.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Well, which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,
0:22:43 > 0:22:44and we start with...
0:22:46 > 0:22:48It's Lee.
0:22:48 > 0:22:53I once took my trunks off in the communal area of a ladies' changing room,
0:22:53 > 0:22:58after getting out of a pool and misreading the signs through my foggy goggles.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01David's team?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04So, where was the swimming pool?
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- It was at the leisure centre.- Oh, right. Where was the leisure centre?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Just next to the swimming pool.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- It was my local leisure centre.- OK. - Did anyone see your genitalia?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Four people looked, but no one saw it.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26I'm keen to know, at which point where you planning to
0:23:26 > 0:23:28take off your goggles?
0:23:30 > 0:23:34When I get out of the pool, I shake off like that,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38I turn back to let them have a nice look and then I...
0:23:38 > 0:23:43I put the goggles up. There's no way you'd keep your goggles on for the walk.
0:23:43 > 0:23:48Well, I am short-sighted and they are prescription goggles
0:23:48 > 0:23:50and I wouldn't have been able to.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- So, you were going to wear them home?- Not wear them home, no.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I was going to put my glasses on that were in the dressing room.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01- So, the reason you kept the goggles on that stopped you being able to see...- I know, the irony!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- ..was so that you could see. - The irony.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08- So, you get into the changing rooms. - Yes. Now, it's goggles off like that.- Yeah.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- And...- So, now you can't see anything now.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I can't see, I can't see a thing now.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15There was actually no one in the room, it's trunks down like that.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- Yeah?- Yep.- And that's, that's when I heard the voice.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19And what was the voice?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:- "Hello, I live in your trunks."
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- No. No, that's another story for next week.- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29That's the children's book you're working on.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I still feel publishers will be nervous.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38So, I go in, I do that, I bend over. Speedos down and...
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Is that your technique, goggles off, pants down?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I mean, do you not go to your locker?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48I would take the goggles off, put them in the locker. I wouldn't go goggles off, pants down.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- Right, where's my locker? - I was at the locker.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- What did the voice say? - The voice said, "Excuse me."
0:24:56 > 0:24:58And I said, "Excuse me. I'm not sure you should be in here."
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Did you not question yourself at this point?
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Question myself? I questioned her? "What are you doing in the men's changing room?" I said.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- Alex, could you say excuse me at the relevant point?- OK. Ready?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Come out here, this is exactly how it went.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14- Where are we going?- I'll walk you from the...- Oh.- So, I've left my child in the pool...
0:25:16 > 0:25:20"Daddy'll be back in a minute. If they go down - blow, blow."
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Am I drying over here, or something?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24You're in the shower, actually.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- Right, I get out the pool.- At this point the goggles aren't yet steamed up?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33The goggles are on, they're a bit wet and I walked in.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36I'm now, I'm in there and then I think, "Right."
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- And then I look up with my goggles, it's goggles off...- Off, pants down. - ..trunks down.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Excuse me.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56You're that woman from The One Show.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02This is the ladies. Get out, you pervert.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07- I think you'll find this is the men's changing room.- Hang on a minute. No, that's not right,
0:26:07 > 0:26:11because if you said that to her, "I think you'll find this is the men's changing room."
0:26:11 > 0:26:16and you believed it, then your system would kick back in again - bam - the pants would be down.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Oh, no-no-no-no-no. I wasn't going make a point and go,
0:26:18 > 0:26:21"Right. Come on, then. Beat that."
0:26:27 > 0:26:31So, no. So, then the woman said to me, she said, "Excuse me." I panicked and I said, you know,
0:26:31 > 0:26:35I said, "Excuse me. This is the men's." She said, "No, this is the women's."
0:26:35 > 0:26:39For a minute I thought she was wrong, but then I thought, "Oh, my god. She might be right."
0:26:39 > 0:26:42And then another woman came in and then a third woman. But I'm so argumentative,
0:26:42 > 0:26:46it wasn't till the fourth woman came in that I considered that I'd made a mistake.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49So, what do you think? Was he telling the truth there, David's team?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- I think it's without a question a lie.- And you think?
0:26:52 > 0:26:57In fact, if it is the truth, I'm prepared to pull my trousers and pants down right now on this show.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59AUDIENCE: Whoooo!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Hoh-hoh-hoh!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I'm not comfortable with that sort of forfeit
0:27:05 > 0:27:09becoming part of the format of this game.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13- So, you are willing to say, that you are willing to drop your trousers, if this is true?- Yeah.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Can we get you some goggles, as well?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I don't need them, my eyes will be closed.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Well, I think we're saying it's a lie.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26I'd like to say that I'm not willing to do anything at all
0:27:26 > 0:27:28if we happen to be wrong.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- So, you're all saying... - It's only a game, for god's sake.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38So, you say it's a lie. OK.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Lee, was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49It is in fact, Greg,
0:27:49 > 0:27:51true.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Can I just say that I just whispered, "Can you change it?"
0:27:58 > 0:28:00cos it was in fact a lie.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Yes, it's a lie. Lee didn't take his trunks off in
0:28:06 > 0:28:09the ladies' changing room because of his foggy goggles.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10BUZZER
0:28:10 > 0:28:13And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show
0:28:13 > 0:28:16and I can reveal that the scores are tied with two points each.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:22But of course it's not just a team game
0:28:22 > 0:28:26and my individual liar of the week this week is John Cooper Clarke.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Yes, John Cooper Clarke.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35And, of course, John will be given a hero's welcome when he gets
0:28:35 > 0:28:39back home to the distant planet where he was hatched. Goodnight.