0:00:20 > 0:00:23APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie to You?
0:00:26 > 0:00:29The show with barefaced lies and well-masked truths.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32On David Mitchell's team tonight - a comedian who's been all over
0:00:32 > 0:00:35the world, from Australia to the United States. In fact,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39the only place he hasn't been is a hair dresser's. It's Alan Davies.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:47And a woman who, when she was at university, earned a first-class degree in Romantic poetry.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I must tell her the one I wrote - 'There once was a man
0:00:49 > 0:00:50'from Nantucket who's...'
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Another time. It's Germaine Greer.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:59And on Lee Mack's team tonight, he's the host of Pointless,
0:00:59 > 0:01:03one of BBC's most popular tea-time shows, or as students call it,
0:01:03 > 0:01:05breakfast television. It's Richard Osman.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:11And a footballer who played for Nottingham Forest, Newcastle United,
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Spurs, Aston Villa and QPR. Meaning he was either
0:01:14 > 0:01:17hugely in demand or couldn't get on with anybody.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19It's Jermaine Jenas.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:25And so we begin with round one - Home Truths - where our panellists
0:01:25 > 0:01:27each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:30 > 0:01:32they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Richard, you're up first tonight.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Last year, at a party...
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I shared a Jacuzzi with three of the Eggheads.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER
0:01:49 > 0:01:50David Mitchell's team.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Which...which three Eggheads?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Ah, it was Barry...
0:01:57 > 0:01:58LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:02:02I know, right? Kevin...
0:02:03 > 0:02:05..and Chris.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Are The Eggheads only allowed in a Jacuzzi for three minutes?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER
0:02:14 > 0:02:16What was the party?
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Well it was...all of the sort of quiz shows together.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23We were doing a big photo shoot, and it was us,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27and by us I mean Pointless. It was Eggheads, The Chase
0:02:27 > 0:02:30and, like, Fifteen to One.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33How did you get all them in?!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Just out of interest, who initiated the Jacuzzi-ing?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39There had been photographs earlier, and then
0:02:39 > 0:02:42later in the evening people were jumping in of their own accord.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- Right, OK.- What was the photo shoot for?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Radio Times, TV Times, one of those.
0:02:47 > 0:02:52So the concept for the photo was three Eggheads and you in a Jacuzzi.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55What were the...what were the Fifteen to One-ers and the Chasers doing?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57We were doing all sorts of photographs,
0:02:57 > 0:03:01drinking champagne, Jacuzzi. It was supposed to be, you know...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03decadence and all this kind of stuff.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06The concept was decadence in the quizzing community.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I think it was...champagne,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10chocolates, just being decadent, I think, yes.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15- Chocolates in a Jacuzzi?- Not IN a Jacuzzi, we hadn't gone mad!- Sort of a box of Black Magic bobbing by?
0:03:17 > 0:03:21I think photographing a lot of people from different quiz shows
0:03:21 > 0:03:23in a ridiculously kind of opulent setting
0:03:23 > 0:03:27is the sort of idea that a listings magazine might have.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30For example, for the last series of this they had us sitting
0:03:30 > 0:03:34round a table pretending to play poker and pulling loads of faces.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- Yes.- It's the kind of stunt that they do, rather than just
0:03:37 > 0:03:39having a normal photograph and then
0:03:39 > 0:03:43a note of when the programme is on, which is all you need.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I rather enjoyed the poker photo.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48It was a lovely opportunity to spend time with you and Lee
0:03:48 > 0:03:52out of this environment. But never mind, if you weren't happy...
0:03:52 > 0:03:55To be honest with you, Rob, I also had a terrible time.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58LAUGHTER
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Right, it's time to make your mind up.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02What way are you leaning, Alan?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I don't think it's true.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I can see the photo shoot, but I just can't see him in a Jacuzzi.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Continuing to party at the end of a photo shoot is certainly not...
0:04:11 > 0:04:15It's not something we considered, was it, Lee, at the end of the... the aforementioned poker?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Literally, as he put the cap on the end of the camera
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- like that, we were in the taxi, weren't we?- Yeah.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I remember as we drove off, winding the window down and hearing,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- IN WELSH ACCENT: - "It's my round, lads."
0:04:25 > 0:04:27LAUGHTER
0:04:27 > 0:04:31"It's my round!" "Get your head down, he's looking."
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Rob... Yeah. Rob sent me the end of his anecdote in five long texts.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40So, Germaine, what do you think?
0:04:40 > 0:04:44- IN A SING-SONG TONE: - I'm going to say...
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- Is this a musical? - False. False.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49You're saying a lie. You think it's a lie?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- A lie. A lie.- So you both think it's a lie?- Yeah.- We'll say lie.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54You're going to say it's a lie. OK, so, Richard - Jacuzzis,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56photo shoot, truth or lie?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59It is...
0:04:59 > 0:05:00- lie. GERMAINE:- Wahey.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Yes, it's a lie. Richard didn't share a Jacuzzi
0:05:05 > 0:05:08with three of the Eggheads.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Germaine Greer, your turn.
0:05:11 > 0:05:16Whenever I travel by tube, I look around the carriage to decide who
0:05:16 > 0:05:23I'd eat first if we were a group of people stranded on a desert island.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- Lee.- Wow.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31I hope this isn't true, Germaine.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Although we are now all doing it.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38And I think we all know what we're thinking.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Yeah. Yeah, it's not going to end well for me.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Thing about you is you could eat you and make a raft out of the bones.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:48So, Germaine, is this a thing you only do on the tube?
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Well, you know how... I mean, you can sit on the tube,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54stupefied with boredom
0:05:54 > 0:05:59and ask yourself what everyone would look like undressed, and that is
0:05:59 > 0:06:02just so, so depressing a thought
0:06:02 > 0:06:06that I've started to work variations
0:06:06 > 0:06:12on this theme, and thinking, you know, who looks...toothsome.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Toothsome?
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Yes. Who would you like to sink your teeth into?
0:06:17 > 0:06:21I thought looking toothsome meant you had a lot of teeth.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- Well, you thought wrong. - Really? Did I, really?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:06:28 > 0:06:31How do you make the judgment call, then? Is it just the fattest or...?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33No, it's not just the fattest,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- cos they're probably the least interesting. You might decide... - "Interesting"? Interesting?
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- Don't know about interesting.... - Well, because it's just lard.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Unfortunately, it's positively correlated with youth.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- So you like the idea of eating youth?- Uh-oh.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48LAUGHTER
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Imagine, Germaine, we're all on the tube together.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Hang on, she's eyeing me up. She's fully eyeing me up.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00In which order do you eat us?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Well, Jermaine is quite right, he has to go first.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06He's the fittest.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- That's an assumption. - RICHARD:- Whoa.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Thank you very much.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13So you're starting with, with Jermaine. All right,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15we'll allow you that. Who do you turn to next?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19I think it would probably be Alan next.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- It's hard to know if it's a compliment or not, isn't it?- I know.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Do you remember that feeling at school when you were lined up
0:07:25 > 0:07:27and they were picking the football team?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30And the only thing you can think was, "I better not be last."
0:07:30 > 0:07:32It's happening again!
0:07:34 > 0:07:37So you've had Jermaine and Alan. Who do you go to next?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Ah, David, I think.- Thank you.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43It does feel like an honour, doesn't it?
0:07:43 > 0:07:48It does. I'm very proud to finish in the top half of the table.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Why would you go to... Why, for Lord's sake, would you go to
0:07:51 > 0:07:53David before me?
0:07:53 > 0:07:57To a lesser extent Lee, and Richard? Why?
0:07:57 > 0:08:01I think Richard would be a bit difficult to handle, to manage.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:07So you've go the three of us left - who's next?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14It would be a matter of how one cooked you.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Crackling is what comes to mind.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24I don't know if she's insulting me or praising me.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Everybody loves crackling, if it's made properly.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Yes, I like that. So it's me next, is it?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Well, yes, maybe. Look, this is getting out of hand,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I'm afraid I'm full already.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I'm not even hungry any more.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Take it a little more seriously, please.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41So you're left now...you're left with the two stragglers,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44you've been pushing them round your plate, you really don't
0:08:44 > 0:08:49want to know. It's Lee and Richard, who do you go to next?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I can't help thinking at this point I'd have probably got off the tube.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- ALAN:- Once she started eating people!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00So who is last, just to be sure?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02For when I get the t-shirts printed.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I thought I'd... I thought I'd spared Richard.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08You spared Richard cos you think he's too big, so Lee.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- Let him go.- Lee is technically last, excellent. So...
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Lee is last, but you refuse to eat Richard at all.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16So what do you think?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Very detailed about what... She knew.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22When she looked into your eyes and said, "I'd like to eat you first."
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I saw. Yeah, I told you, the eyes told me. Yeah. "You're going."
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- You felt true. - To be honest with you,
0:09:27 > 0:09:29in the make-up room before, I was like...
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Things are coming back to me now, actually, yeah.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Yeah, cos she was, she was basting you, wasn't she?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- So what's it going to be? - What do we think, Richard?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Well, I think... Well, just look in her eyes, it's so true.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- So you both think it's true? - Yeah.- I think it's a lie.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- Oh, do you?- Yeah. I'll go with the majority cos I'm weak.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50OK, you're going to say true. Germaine, truth or lie?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- Lie.- No!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Yes, it was a lie all along.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Our next round is called This Is My...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection
0:10:03 > 0:10:05to one of our panellists.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them
0:10:07 > 0:10:09that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:10:09 > 0:10:12and it's up to Lee's team to spot who is telling the truth.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15So please welcome this week's special guest, Wally.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18APPLAUSE
0:10:23 > 0:10:26So, Germaine Greer, what is Wally to you?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Oh, this is Wally.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31He's the crane driver who once let me
0:10:31 > 0:10:35sit in his cabin, 50 feet above my house.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Alan, how do you know Wally?
0:10:38 > 0:10:39This is Wally,
0:10:39 > 0:10:44and during one of his driving lessons, I crashed into the Co-op.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50And finally, David, what is your relationship with Wally?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52This is Wally, and he intervened
0:10:52 > 0:10:56when I got into a whispered row with a woman in a library.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58LAUGHTER
0:10:59 > 0:11:03So, there it is. Lee's team, where do you want to start?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Wally's got the top half of Alan's face and the bottom half of David's.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:15I think you'll find Germaine's got those in her fridge.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20APPLAUSE
0:11:20 > 0:11:24OK, well, let's start with Alan. When was this?
0:11:24 > 0:11:25I was 17.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Sorry, this was a lesson or a test?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30It was the day before my test.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31I'm in a Mini,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34and Wally's with me, helping me learn.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- Oh, he wasn't the instructor? - He's not a driving instructor.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Oh, OK, so he's your mate. Right, and what caused
0:11:41 > 0:11:42you to go into the Co-op?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Um I just...
0:11:45 > 0:11:46I didn't stop.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53It pulled out in front of me, Lee.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Talk us through the incident, then.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57It's where I grew up. I grew up in Essex
0:11:57 > 0:12:02and it was the biggest supermarket in Europe.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- The Co-op?- The Co-op.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- Which town was that in?- In Loughton, where I... That's where I grew up.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Oh, the Loughton Co-op, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11It's the only supermarket seen from space.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13LAUGHTER
0:12:13 > 0:12:16But it's hard to spot if you're driving.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- Did you scrape it or did you go bang into it?- No, straight into it.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Into a window or a wall?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26The wall. Instead of braking, I accelerated.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29How much damage did you do to the car?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Well, it wouldn't go.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- Really, it was that bad?- Yeah.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I can't get over the hair, they've gotta be mates.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42They come from that town where that is the hair.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44How did the manager of the Co-op, who came out with presumably
0:12:44 > 0:12:48the same hairstyle...
0:12:48 > 0:12:50How did he react?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Maybe Alan tried to blame Wally, pointed,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54but there was like 20, 30 blokes
0:12:54 > 0:12:57and you had to work out where Wally was.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00LAUGHTER
0:13:01 > 0:13:04So the manager came out, and what was the response?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I don't remember anyone coming out.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10The car has gone into the wall of the Co-op
0:13:10 > 0:13:13and everything just carries on?!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Did you have to put a pound into the back to release it?
0:13:16 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:20 > 0:13:22All right, so who would you like to speak to next?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Germaine, what was the crane doing?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I presume there was building work going on?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30It was to do with an electricity substation.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32So he was doing some work...
0:13:32 > 0:13:35The crane was there for a few days
0:13:35 > 0:13:38before I actually approached him
0:13:38 > 0:13:43and asked him if I could go up in the cabin.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48And when I first asked him, he was distinctly un-keen.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53When you say you asked him, where was he? Or did you shout,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - "Can I come up to your cabin?"
0:13:55 > 0:13:57LAUGHTER
0:13:57 > 0:14:01"I wanna sit on your crane in your cabin.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05"Come on, don't be a dingo, let me in your cabin."
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- Was that the thrust of the conversation? - He'd come down off the crane.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Oh, he was already down, ready to go home and you grabbed him and went, "Get up there, mate."
0:14:13 > 0:14:17And so I asked him again if I could nip up and have a look at a...
0:14:17 > 0:14:19And did he go up with you?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21No, well, the thing is, he didn't really wanna do it,
0:14:21 > 0:14:23so I did my best to persuade him.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25How did you persuade him?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28What, you put a white hanky over his mouth and suffocated him?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31You said, "Smell that," and he woke up in the cabin.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38"Ahhh, let me out, I'm going to tell the police."
0:14:38 > 0:14:43He would have had to be dragged up unconscious. I couldn't have done that. Let me just say that...
0:14:43 > 0:14:46It was only the practicalities that stopped her from doing it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Let me simply say that money changed hands.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52And how much did he have to pay you?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54LAUGHTER
0:14:54 > 0:14:56So did you both go up to the cabin?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00He said I had to go first, just in case I missed my footing.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Oh, and he went up right behind you?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- Not right behind. - Wally, you pervert!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:08OK, so you're up in the crane,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10is there room for two people in those things?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Barely. It was... - So it was intimate?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- Not really, but it was uncomfortable. - You can't have it both ways.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20You certainly can't have it both ways in that, it's too small.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Have some respect for Germaine Greer.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28So sorry about my friend.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32It was pretty cramped, but he showed me how you use the controls.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34You're telling me now that you actually had a go of it?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36No, I didn't have a go of it,
0:15:36 > 0:15:40but I... Well, I can use a digger and an excavator
0:15:40 > 0:15:42so I know how to balance the two hands.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Well why, why do you know how to use a digger?
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Because I dig holes.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:48 > 0:15:51What about David?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53David, can you remind me of your statement?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55This is Wally and he intervened
0:15:55 > 0:15:58when I had a whispered row with a woman in a library.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01What was the row about?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03It was about noise.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- Who started the row? - Yeah, who started the row?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10I... Well, I would say she started it
0:16:10 > 0:16:14but the noise that it was about was my responsibility.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I was in the loo.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- Was what?- What?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I was in the loo when the noise happened
0:16:21 > 0:16:24but the noise didn't emanate from the loo.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26It was my phone
0:16:26 > 0:16:27made the noise
0:16:27 > 0:16:28while I was in the loo.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Because it was on silent, but it vibrated and sort of...you know.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- Where was it? You left it in the library?- I'd left it on the table by my...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Oh, you'd left the thing, gone to the toilet.- ..by my laptop.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42So you'd come back from the toilet, could you hear the... It's that
0:16:42 > 0:16:44"nuhh" noise, yes? "Nuhhhh."
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Yeah, well, that's... Yes, I was in the toilet and...
0:16:47 > 0:16:49And you heard the nuhhhhh?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53No, no, I couldn't hear that noise...
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Oh, great, he's now doing impressions of inanimate objects.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02- I thought he was doing me on the toilet, sorry!- Do your blender, do your blender!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05No, that's not you on the toilet, no that's more of a...
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- IMITATING DAVID:- "I wonder how long I'll be here for?"
0:17:08 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER
0:17:11 > 0:17:13APPLAUSE
0:17:13 > 0:17:15So what happens next?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Well, I come out of the toilet and she's immediately
0:17:18 > 0:17:23incensed and comes up to me and has a massive whispered go at me about...What did she say?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25She said, "I've been trying to work in here and you've
0:17:25 > 0:17:28"been making noise all the time and now that phone has
0:17:28 > 0:17:32"gone off two or three times!" And I'm sort of going, "I'm sorry,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35"I didn't realise that, I just left it there in error, I'm very
0:17:35 > 0:17:40"sorry, there's no need to take that tone with me, though, madam.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43"There's no need to be so rude, I'll turn my phone off now.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45"I'm sorry, but..."
0:17:45 > 0:17:50"Nuhhhhh, nuhhhhh."
0:17:50 > 0:17:52So this carries on for a few minutes
0:17:52 > 0:17:56and then Wally, who works there, comes up and has a word with us both
0:17:56 > 0:18:00and says, you know, "Be quiet and get on with your work."
0:18:00 > 0:18:04OK, we do need an answer, so Lee's team, is Wally Germaine's
0:18:04 > 0:18:09crane companion, Alan's car crasher or David's bookish buddy?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11He's got a bit of library about him, hasn't he?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13He has got a whiff of book about him.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17- He looks...- That's my new fragrance for Christmas.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19LAUGHTER
0:18:19 > 0:18:22If I had to choose, I would say Alan.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23What are you thinking, Jermaine?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26The whispering argument, I can actually...I can see it happening.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- And I bizarrely think it might be Germaine.- Ah, brilliant.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36OK, so Jermaine thinks it's David.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- Yes, I do.- I think it's Alan. - You think it's Alan
0:18:38 > 0:18:41and I think it's Germaine.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Let's say it's Germaine, then.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Jermaine has to pick?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Yeah, I think Jermaine should say Germaine.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I'm handing the leadership qualities over to Jermaine
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- and letting him decide who it is, providing he says Germaine. - What are you saying, Jermaine?
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- We collectively think it's David. - No! No, we don't.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:01 > 0:19:03So, you're saying David? OK.
0:19:03 > 0:19:09So, Lee's team, after a thorough democratic process
0:19:09 > 0:19:13are settling on David.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Wally, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20My name is Wally and I was teaching Alan how to drive
0:19:20 > 0:19:24when he crashed into the Co-op car park.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25APPLAUSE
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Thank you very much, Wally.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with...
0:19:36 > 0:19:38..it's Lee.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41After an incident last year, I have a fear that
0:19:41 > 0:19:44some of my neighbours think I hunt ducklings.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46LAUGHTER
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- David's team. - What was the incident?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Hang on.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Ah, got it.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01So...I live by a river.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- Yeah.- That much is true.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- Mm-hm.- We know it's true because we've both enjoyed an evening,
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- one of his evenings at his house. - We have, indeed.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11You remember it, David, don't you? Cos you and Rob both left
0:20:11 > 0:20:13and then 10 minutes later you snuck back, didn't you, David?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19"He's gone. He's gone."
0:20:19 > 0:20:21And I remember as David drove off, going,
0:20:21 > 0:20:23"I'll give you a lift, David.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26"David! David!"
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- So, I live by the river.- Yeah.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33And there was a duckling in the front of our house.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Let's call it the driveway. - Oh, right, right, yeah.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I didn't want to say driveway cos I'll start making me
0:20:38 > 0:20:40all showbiz that I've got a car.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Anyway, so there is the duckling, right?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Which part of the driveway - was it down by the gates
0:20:45 > 0:20:47or where it sweeps up around the lawn?
0:20:48 > 0:20:52I don't know how it had got over the moat, to be honest with you.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Actually a duckling would be quite good at that.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I reckon I know how, I've been thinking about it!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- So this duckling on its own. - Yeah, so there's a duckling.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04It's on the drive.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06He's on the driveway, this was the yellow fluffy variety.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- Right.- And so I decided I must catch the duckling
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- and try and put it back in the water.- Yeah.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- In the river.- Why?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17You mean, why have I got a heart, David?
0:21:17 > 0:21:22- AS DAVID:- "Why did you bother about this non-human thing?"- Yes.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- "Why didn't you eat it?"
0:21:26 > 0:21:28So, yeah... No, duck is...
0:21:28 > 0:21:32"Why don't you baste it, fry it and shove it in your mouth?"
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Are you saying that it...? - "Why didn't you?"
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Sorry. Sorry, David.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Yeah, I mean, you could, you've had enough time to invent anything now.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Right.- So you see the duckling on the drive.- Yes.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- You pick up, what is this thing that you're picking up?- This?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Well, this is... I have a big net in my house.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Right.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56And so I see this duck and I catch it
0:21:56 > 0:22:00- and I scoop it up so I've now got a duck in the net.- Oh, right.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03And my plan was to look round for lots of baby ducklings
0:22:03 > 0:22:06and a sort of adult sized duck going...
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- And that was my plan.- Right. - You did say the duckling was yellow.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Did I?
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Yeah, what colour are the ducks on the river?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- RICHARD: Uh-oh.- What?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Can we go into conference for a moment?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Because the ducks on the river are almost certainly mallards.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Yes.- And their ducklings are NOT yellow.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Yeah, but this wasn't complete, this wasn't a pure mallard.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43I don't care. Wrong.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Now, one of the most important things not to do with ducklings
0:22:48 > 0:22:52when you find them in the spring is to touch them or handle them at all.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Oh, Lee. Lee...
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- Because the mother will reject them.- Yes.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I didn't handle him, I netted him.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Do you know why I didn't handle him?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Because the mother would have rejected it.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07APPLAUSE
0:23:07 > 0:23:09So how far have you walked at this point?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12A long way because I couldn't find any ducks and any ducklings.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16So I'm now walking up and I have noticed that people have passed me
0:23:16 > 0:23:18and I've given them the, "All right?" And they've gone...
0:23:18 > 0:23:20"All right?" Like that.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22It dawns on me after half a mile they're going,
0:23:22 > 0:23:26"I think..." This stretch of the river which is famous for fishing.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28"I think that weirdo has been catching ducklings."
0:23:29 > 0:23:31They think I've scooped one out,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33- cos it's a proper big fishing net I've got.- Right.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38So I decided to go home, ring up the RSPCB and...
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- RSPCD.- B, I said.- D. P.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- It's the RSPB...- Oh, sorry, sorry.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- RSPB, you idiot.- Or the RSPCA.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50You thought it was D, you weirdo!
0:23:51 > 0:23:56Preventing cruelty to ducklings, that's a very niche market.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57"Oh, no, no, we're only goslings."
0:24:00 > 0:24:02So what do you think, David? Is he telling the truth?
0:24:02 > 0:24:06I should point out that we did find out that it was a goose.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08- So it was a bright yellow gosling. - It was bright yellow
0:24:08 > 0:24:11and I thought it was a duckling and it was actually a gosling.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- Goslings are bright yellow.- Are they?- Mm.- OK, what are you thinking?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- The thing is, it's so heavily embroidered, this story...- Yeah.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- But I think it's substantially true. - Alan?
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Well, throughout the story, I thought it was complete nonsense.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Yes, I did throughout but then there was something about him saying
0:24:31 > 0:24:34they came back and they said actually it was a baby goose
0:24:34 > 0:24:35and it having been yellow,
0:24:35 > 0:24:39that's tipped me into thinking it might be true.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- I'm going to say true.- True?- Yeah.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44OK. Lee, truth or lie?
0:24:44 > 0:24:45It is in fact...
0:24:45 > 0:24:47true.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50APPLAUSE
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Next...
0:24:52 > 0:24:53It's Jermaine.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58The night before the biggest game of my career,
0:24:58 > 0:25:03a team-mate woke me up by practising his trumpet.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04David's team.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I'm assuming that's not a euphemism.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11What time was this?
0:25:11 > 0:25:1312, 12.30, something like that.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16So why were you cohabiting with a trumpeter?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Now, just please, please just use that as the trailer
0:25:24 > 0:25:26and nothing else.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28That's it, that's all we need.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30It's not something that you ask, is it?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I mean, "Are you a trumpeter?" And, "Let's room together."
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- I don't know, it was just... - But he was from your team.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- He was, yeah, he was in my team. - ALAN:- What team was it?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40When I was at Newcastle United.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42So where were you?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- I was in a hotel.- A hotel.- Yeah.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- Where?- Erm, it was...
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- ..in Newcas...- Think about the other team you were playing
0:25:52 > 0:25:54and it'll probably be the same answer.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Were you just about to say in Newcastle?- It was in Newcastle, yeah.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Why would you be in a hotel in your own home town?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Because we were playing against Sunderland.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Oh, fair enough.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Sometimes the manager likes to just keep the players together.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- Yes, I have heard of that. - ALAN:- Under lock and key.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- Who was the trumpeter? - It was Nobby Solano.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Oh, Nobby Solano. He's from Peru.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18What was he playing?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I can't help thinking if someone wakes you up playing a trumpet
0:26:22 > 0:26:25in your ear, you don't go, "Oh, what is that? Is that...?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29"No, no, no, don't tell me, carry on playing. Erm...
0:26:29 > 0:26:31"I'll get this."
0:26:31 > 0:26:35It was something like those Mexican kind of food adverts, like...
0:26:35 > 0:26:37HE MIMICS THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE
0:26:37 > 0:26:38More, more, more!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43And you say this was Nobby Solero.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- Nobby Solano.- Nobby Solero is a very adult ice cream.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53APPLAUSE
0:26:54 > 0:26:56So where is he trumpeting?
0:26:56 > 0:27:00He was, like, kind of like sat at the edge of his bed,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02like this with a stand and...
0:27:02 > 0:27:03A stand?!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06He'd set up his...
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Can I just say, if this is a lie, don't push it, son.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Stand and a baton!
0:27:14 > 0:27:18- He'd set up his music stand. - Tunic, got a tunic and a hat on.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Strap under his chin.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Two, three, four...
0:27:21 > 0:27:24HE MIMICS THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- And what was his excuse? - That he's practising, that was it.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29And did the conversation go further? Did you say...?
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Well I just said, you know, "Put it away."
0:27:35 > 0:27:39- I dread to think... - And also stop playing the trumpet.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42What do you think? I mean, I know the world of football is not one
0:27:42 > 0:27:44that you're overly familiar with.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Yes, but I am an expert in nocturnal trumpeting so...
0:27:48 > 0:27:51..you know, it balances out. What do you think, Germaine?
0:27:51 > 0:27:55It's certainly true that people tolerate a lot of noise
0:27:55 > 0:27:58- in South America, generally. - OK, you think...?
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- ALAN:- I wouldn't be surprised. I'm going true.- We'll go true.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04OK, Jermaine, truth or lie?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06It's...
0:28:06 > 0:28:07- true.- Oh, wow.- Wow.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:12BUZZER
0:28:12 > 0:28:15And that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18I can reveal David's team have five points
0:28:18 > 0:28:21and Lee's team have nil.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24APPLAUSE
0:28:24 > 0:28:26But, of course, it's not just a team game.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29My individual liar of the week this week
0:28:29 > 0:28:30is Germaine Greer.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33APPLAUSE
0:28:33 > 0:28:37Yes, Germaine Greer, a feminist who not only burnt her bra
0:28:37 > 0:28:40but now her pants are on fire as well!
0:28:40 > 0:28:42- Goodnight. - APPLAUSE