0:00:20 > 0:00:23APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,
0:00:26 > 0:00:28the show with a fondness for fibs.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30On David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:30 > 0:00:32the host of the Radio 1 Breakfast Show,
0:00:32 > 0:00:36yes, the Noel Edmonds of our time, it's Nick Grimshaw.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38APPLAUSE
0:00:40 > 0:00:45And the star of Ask Rhod Gilbert, Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience
0:00:45 > 0:00:48and the Rhod Gilbert Radio Show. Anyone?
0:00:48 > 0:00:49It's Rhod Gilbert.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:57And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a TV presenter who's hosted
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Crufts on three occasions, which in dog years is almost a lifetime.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02It's Clare Balding.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:10And a comedian who left a New York performing arts school with a degree
0:01:10 > 0:01:12in musical theatre. A fantastic achievement,
0:01:12 > 0:01:14but he doesn't want to make a song and dance of it.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17It's the star of Catastrophe, Rob Delaney.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:24And so we'll begin with Round One Home Truths, where our panellists
0:01:24 > 0:01:27each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:30 > 0:01:31they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33It's up to the opposing team
0:01:33 > 0:01:36to sort the fact from the fiction and Rhod is first up tonight.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42One Friday after school,
0:01:42 > 0:01:48I swapped our family cat for a Scotch egg and a Smurf.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54When my mum found out on Monday morning, she made me swap them back.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Right, well, when was this, first of all? How old were you?
0:01:58 > 0:01:5913.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02But more important than how old was he or anything to do with him...
0:02:02 > 0:02:07The cat, what...? I mean, we're very concerned about the cat. I am.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I'm a bit more concerned about the Smurf, if I'm going to be honest.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I'm most concerned... The Scotch egg, you just...
0:02:13 > 0:02:14What was your logic?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Would you hide it under your bed for a whole weekend?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17You three have a chat
0:02:17 > 0:02:20and when you've worked out collectively what you're most
0:02:20 > 0:02:21concerned about, come back to me.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24- Can I start with mine? - Please do.- OK.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27What was the cat called? What kind of cat? What colour, please?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29The cat was called Snowdrop
0:02:29 > 0:02:31and as the name implies, it was tortoiseshell.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Who did you swap with?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Ah, should I name him?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I don't know. Unless he's in prison at the moment.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I don't know, I haven't seen him for a long time.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44He was a kid who lived on an estate nearby.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- Just give us his first name. - Lee.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Ah.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Just with the Scotch egg - you wanted a Scotch egg...
0:02:52 > 0:02:56You wanted a Scotch egg so badly that you traded a living
0:02:56 > 0:03:02mammal for it and then you just put it under your bed, for 48 hours?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05To be fair trading a Scotch egg for a living mammal is exactly
0:03:05 > 0:03:09what's necessary in the manufacture process of a Scotch egg.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12You start off... People have decided...
0:03:12 > 0:03:15They have live pigs but they don't like the live pigs enough -
0:03:15 > 0:03:17what they want is no pigs but Scotch eggs.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Why did you want the Scotch egg?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I presume for the obvious that you like them and wanted to eat it.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- Yes.- Why didn't you just eat it there and then?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Why didn't I just eat...?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30You said you swapped them back again on the Monday, which...
0:03:30 > 0:03:32That suggests you still had the Scotch egg.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Well, hang on. I mean, was it the same one or had you
0:03:34 > 0:03:37consumed it and then you just had to give a Scotch egg back?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39That's right, Rob.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER
0:03:43 > 0:03:46It's like the blooming Welsh mafia, this.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48You can't help him out!
0:03:48 > 0:03:49CLARE: Could I get back to the cat?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Cats obviously are very territorial, so would the cat not try
0:03:52 > 0:03:55and come home, cos they normally do if they've gone out away?
0:03:55 > 0:03:56He didn't, not that weekend.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Talk us through the actual exchange process.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I tell you what, Rob. You stand up, we'll go through it, come on.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03I am standing up.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I'll role-play it with you. So, I'm... Right.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- OK, so, imagine I've got my family cat in my hand.- All right.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13With this hand you have a Scotch egg.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Where are we now, Rhod, where are we?
0:04:15 > 0:04:16We're in Wales. Are we in Wales?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- We're in Wales.- Aww.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Isn't that nice?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Let's just take a minute, let's just take a minute. Lovely.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Go on.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- Right, so, we're in Wales.- Yeah. - I've got a cat in my hand.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- All right.- Right. You've got in this hand a Smurf and a Scotch egg.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Yes.- Right, now we swap them over.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37All right, here we go. This is how it happened.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39This is going to be difficult.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:43 > 0:04:45APPLAUSE
0:04:48 > 0:04:51And that, my lord, was the mechanics of the exchange.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Wow.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Rob, you can put the cat down now.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58CLARE: But gently, gently. Rob, gently, yes.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01So, what do you think, Lee? Does this sound truthful to you?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I don't think he's shown any affection for Snowdrop
0:05:03 > 0:05:06and on that basis alone I think it can't be true.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Well, weirdly, I... The exact same reason I think it is true,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12because I know him to be heartless.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I can show you some affection but what do you
0:05:15 > 0:05:18want to know about Snowdrop? I can show affection for Snowdrop.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- How would you stroke him?- Her.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21No! Got you.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24You have changed the sex of that cat at least three times.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- I promise you, even if I was... - You have!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I don't think vets should agree to do that.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:38It's always been a female cat, Snowdrop.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41What are you thinking, Rob? Are you thinking it's the truth?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43It really started to crumble at the end here,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45so I'm smelling a lie.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Both saying a lie. My team say lie, we will go with lie.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51OK. You're saying lie. Rhod, truth or lie?
0:05:51 > 0:05:52It is a...
0:05:53 > 0:05:56APPLAUSE
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Yes, it was a lie. Rhod didn't swap his family cat for a Scotch egg
0:06:00 > 0:06:02and a Smurf.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Nick, you're up next.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05OK, here we go.
0:06:05 > 0:06:10I once called a friend in New York and asked her to call the police
0:06:10 > 0:06:15in London because I thought there was a burglar at my house in London.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Where were you when you made the call?
0:06:19 > 0:06:20In the house.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Why didn't you phone...? - The police.- Yes.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Because I'd been messaging my friend.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30I felt like she'd gone, so I called her, and as I was on the phone
0:06:30 > 0:06:33to her I thought there was someone breaking into the house.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36So I was like... ("You should phone the police.")
0:06:36 > 0:06:37What did you hear, exactly?
0:06:37 > 0:06:41I just heard, like, irregular noises from downstairs.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Irregular noises.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Footsteps, doors closing. So I was like, who's that?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Were you living on your own at the time?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48I did have a housemate but...
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- Did you not think it might be that person?- No.- Why?
0:06:50 > 0:06:55Because at the time I was doing a night-time radio show
0:06:55 > 0:06:59so I would get home late and she'd always, like, "Be quiet
0:06:59 > 0:07:02"when you get in at one o'clock in the morning, cos I'm asleep."
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Ah, so you assumed her to be asleep. - Yeah.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Why didn't you put the phone down and phone the police?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Because I didn't want to speak in case the burglar...
0:07:09 > 0:07:11But you ARE speaking, you're telling her to phone the police.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Well, I was like, "I need to go, I think there's someone here.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17"Call the police." That's why I had to get off the phone
0:07:17 > 0:07:18and not use the phone.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Well, look, look, Nick, let's re-enact it.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- OK.- I'm going to be your friend in New York.- Yeah.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- She's an American?- She is.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Thank God. I thought you were going to say,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- "By coincidence, she sounds like Ronnie Corbett."- Yeah, no.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33She's a very sassy Jewish lady.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35All right.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- DEEP, MEASURED VOICE:- Now, Nick, how are things going over there?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Did you say she DIDN'T sound like Ronnie Corbett?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- No, it's...- She's the opposite to Ronnie Corbett?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- HIGH-PITCHED AMERICAN ACCENT: - She's like New York Jewish
0:07:47 > 0:07:49kind of person like that?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Pretty spot-on.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53O-M-G!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER
0:07:55 > 0:08:00So, listen. You've finished your radio show. How did it go?
0:08:00 > 0:08:01I love your impressions, you know that,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04but you're texting - we don't need the voice.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Oh, he wants me to call him? Sure I will.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Hi, Amy, how's America?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Oh, I love it, there's so many Americans here.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Hey, what's that noise in the background?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- What IS that noise? - I heard something!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I can... I can hear something downstairs.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Oh, are you having trouble with your stomach again?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28No, like, downstairs.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30There's someone downstairs, in the HOUSE downstairs.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34I'll pretend to be asleep, you call the police.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36What, the NYPD?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38No, my police.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39- All right, I'll call.- OK.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Love you.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45So, I put the phone down and then I just go like this...
0:08:45 > 0:08:46and then fear for my life.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Well, hold on, because it's all happening stateside.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52APPLAUSE
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- NORMAL VOICE:- Well, I mean, we can go on like this all night.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00So then what happened? Go on, talk us through the rest of the story.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03She makes the call, there's, like...call the police.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Cos there's not the 999 number, there's, like,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08the police round the corner. You know, the local police.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11She went and logged on and looked for your local police station?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Yeah. You don't have to log on - there's internet on phones.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Listen, sunbeam, you do want my Atari.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20LAUGHTER
0:09:20 > 0:09:22So, she called the police
0:09:22 > 0:09:27and then it turned out that it wasn't an intruder at all, it was...
0:09:27 > 0:09:29How did you find that out?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32I found that out when my flatmate burst in.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35What's she bursting into your room for at night?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Because she had been on the wine. So the bang, bang, bang noises
0:09:38 > 0:09:40were her looking for wine or something, I don't know.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42And you said what?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- I said, "Oh, my God." - You said, "Hypocrite!"
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I said, "I thought I was going to be killed by the intruder
0:09:49 > 0:09:52"and the police are coming," so then we were like,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54"We need to call the police now to stop them."
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- So, you phone me back in New York. Go on.- No, I don't phone you.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- AMERICAN ACCENT: - You want me to cancel them?
0:09:59 > 0:10:00But they're on their way, honey.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I just went direct to tell them.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Oh, yo, so when you want me, I'm right here waiting,
0:10:06 > 0:10:08but when you don't want me, you just drop me.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Well, screw you, Grimshaw.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I'm not surprised Amy doesn't have any friends where she lives.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24What are you thinking, Lee?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- What do we think, Rob? - I believe it, I believe it.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- You believe it?- I believe this man.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I've been taken for a ride. I like it.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34You're starting to sound more and more like Amy every day.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36So, what are you thinking, Clare?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I believe it.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Well, I think it must be true, then.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42True. OK, Nick, truth or lie?
0:10:42 > 0:10:43It is...
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Well done, team.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50APPLAUSE
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Yes, it's true. Nick did ring his friend in New York
0:10:53 > 0:10:55and ask her to call the police for him.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:10:59 > 0:11:01who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:11:04 > 0:11:06that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:11:06 > 0:11:09and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12So, please welcome this week's special guest, Greg.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14APPLAUSE
0:11:19 > 0:11:22So, Clare, what is Greg to you?
0:11:22 > 0:11:26This is Greg, and he is the RSPCA officer who came to my aid
0:11:26 > 0:11:29when a squirrel climbed into my handbag and wouldn't get out.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Rob Delaney, how do you know Greg?
0:11:33 > 0:11:38Well, this is Greg and we once stayed up all night together holding
0:11:38 > 0:11:43onto a fence when a game of who can hold on to the fence the longest
0:11:43 > 0:11:45got out of hand.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Greg?
0:11:49 > 0:11:54This is Greg. I was so nervous about appearing on TV for the first time
0:11:54 > 0:11:58that I made him come with me and pretend we were a double act.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03David's team, where do you want to start?
0:12:03 > 0:12:08So, Clare, where were you when the squirrel jumped into your handbag?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12I was filming in Devon for Countryfile
0:12:12 > 0:12:15and I was doing one of those links, you know,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18when you walk along the cliff top, essentially. I'd left my bag
0:12:18 > 0:12:22under a tree and sometimes there are little sweeties left in it
0:12:22 > 0:12:25and I assume that is why the squirrel got in it.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27You know when you get those selection chocolates
0:12:27 > 0:12:30and there's some...the Topics that nobody likes?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I think I'd left...except unless you're a squirrel,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35in which case, huh-huh.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Well, it's the one thing they say about squirrels -
0:12:37 > 0:12:39they're not fussy when it comes to Quality Street.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- So, as you approached the bag... - Yes.- ..what did you see?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- How were you alerted to this? - It was moving.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49And what did you do then? Did you continue to approach?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Yeah, I thought, "There's something in my bag,"
0:12:52 > 0:12:53and then when I got close,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I thought, "It'll jump out because I'm near to it," but it wouldn't.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59You're approaching the bag, Clare, it's moving about,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- you know there's a squirrel, you continue to approach.- Yes.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03What happens then?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05The squirrel's doing its thing...
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- Continues to rummage.- Yeah, going through my diary, my phone...
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- Helping itself to a strawberry cream.- Yeah, yeah.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12You know, "I don't know why people are so fussy."
0:13:14 > 0:13:18The cameraman said, "Don't touch it because you might get bitten,"
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and he said, "We'll call the RSPCA, they'll know what to do."
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Had you tried tipping it upside down?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I've seen women do that to get things out.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Not if you've got earrings in the bag
0:13:27 > 0:13:30in the middle of a field in Devon. You're not going to do that.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32There's a great image of the squirrel wearing the earrings
0:13:32 > 0:13:34and reading the diary.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:42"She's got a busy December, no wonder she can afford these."
0:13:42 > 0:13:46So, they rang the RSPCA, Greg came up to a cliff top in Devon...
0:13:46 > 0:13:47CLARE: It did take a while.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49RHOD: And the squirrel was still in your bag?
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Yeah.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52How did he get it out? How did he get the squirrel out?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54The squirrel had probably had enough by then
0:13:54 > 0:13:56so he didn't even have to do much.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58The squirrel came out of his own accord?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Indeed, as he approached the bag.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02All right. David, what about the others?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- OK, Rob, a fence-holding-on contest that got out of hand.- Yes.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08You said all night, Rob, was that it?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- You went on all night, the fence-holding.- Correct.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- Are you standing on the fence...? - No, we're standing next to a fence,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16we're standing next to a wooden picket fence.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17- Touching it.- Touching it.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19And where were you?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21We were in Pittsfield, Massachusetts.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24One of you said, "I'm not saying it's boring here in Massachusetts,
0:14:24 > 0:14:28"but who fancies holding on to that fence all night?"
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Fair. We had...
0:14:29 > 0:14:32There'd just been a documentary that was sweeping the nation
0:14:32 > 0:14:36called Hands On A Hard Body, and it was about these people
0:14:36 > 0:14:39who could win a Toyota pick-up truck if...
0:14:39 > 0:14:42whoever held on to or whoever touched it for the longest.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46So we had just seen this documentary and we were very drunk
0:14:46 > 0:14:47so we thought...we were like,
0:14:47 > 0:14:49"Ha, wouldn't it be funny if we did this?"
0:14:49 > 0:14:52And then we did it for...
0:14:52 > 0:14:54nine hours.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58And who is Greg? I mean, how was he there?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Greg is the older brother - you can see he's quite a bit older than me.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05He was the older brother of my friend that I went to college with.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Did you learn a lot about Greg?
0:15:07 > 0:15:08More than I'd care to know.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Could we have five Greg facts?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Uh...- LEE:- Opened his own bakery. - Let's see.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER
0:15:16 > 0:15:17That was the big one.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Who won?
0:15:21 > 0:15:25We agreed at five o'clock in the morning that we were both winners
0:15:25 > 0:15:28and that as 5am approached...
0:15:28 > 0:15:30So you started this at what time?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- About 8pm.- You started that at 8pm?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36That's very early to start a fence-holding game.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Yeah, it's quite early to be... to go that strange.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Yeah.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43When had you started drinking?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Meh, four or so in the afternoon.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47All right, maybe.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51OK, now what about Lee?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- DAVID:- OK, Lee. Um.... Just remind us of what it was that you said.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58This is Greg and I was so nervous about my first TV appearance
0:15:58 > 0:16:01that I made him come along with me and pretend we were a double act.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03What was your first TV appearance?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06It was on a programme called Pump Television.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08What's that?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10It was a sort of magazine type show.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14It was a bit funky and happening. it was like The One Show
0:16:14 > 0:16:18but for people that are allowed out in the day.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- And what were you doing on the show? - Just being interviewed.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22It was Reading television
0:16:22 > 0:16:25and I'd just won a competition for new comedians up in Edinburgh.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27What year was this?
0:16:27 > 0:16:281995.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31But you didn't win in Edinburgh till 1997.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33That's right, sorry. I've completely messed up the story.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I went on the show, Pump TV, to tell them
0:16:35 > 0:16:37that I could predict the future.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:42You know, you said to us that you were a double act.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44What sort of a double act?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I rang up and said, "Sorry, I'm actually a...
0:16:46 > 0:16:48"I do a bit of double act work. Can I bring my double act partner
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"on as well?" They said, "Fine, what does your double act partner do?"
0:16:51 > 0:16:54and without thinking, I said, "He's a juggler."
0:16:54 > 0:16:57What happened when you got there? Did he have to get there and juggle?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59There's another twist to this story...
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Is the other twist to this story that it's a complete lie?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05No, Rhod, I don't think that would be a twist.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10So, he comes...he comes on the show and I tell him
0:17:10 > 0:17:12fairly last minute, I think maybe an hour or two's notice,
0:17:12 > 0:17:15"Oh, by the way, I may have told them that you were a juggler."
0:17:15 > 0:17:18So now he's panicking, isn't he? So what does he do?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Cos he thinks he's going to be asked to juggle on the show
0:17:21 > 0:17:25and he can't juggle. So he bandaged his arm up and so thus he wasn't...
0:17:25 > 0:17:26If they said, "Can you juggle?"
0:17:26 > 0:17:28He can say, "I can't, I've hurt my arm."
0:17:28 > 0:17:31All the way there in the car you're not talking about
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- why you're driving all this way... - We didn't drive together.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35He couldn't - he'd injured his arm juggling.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36That's not right.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39That's not right, is it? Now I'M starting to think...
0:17:39 > 0:17:42No, I met him at the studio because he actually is from Reading.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45That's handy, isn't it? That was good, wasn't it?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Were there any other guests on the TV show?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I can't remember now. I think there was a person who had a dog
0:17:50 > 0:17:51- and the dog did something.- Yeah.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Uh, there was a bit of...it's a magazine.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- DAVID:- Maybe he actually didn't have a dog
0:17:55 > 0:17:58but he just persuaded the dog to come on because he was nervous.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59All right, we need an answer.
0:17:59 > 0:18:05So, David's team, is Greg Clare's squirrel saviour,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Rob's fence-feeler
0:18:07 > 0:18:09or Lee's pretend partner?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12It's a pretty unappetising menu, isn't it?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I don't believe Clare Balding. I don't believe
0:18:15 > 0:18:18that she would be scared, somebody who hosts Countryfile.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19If there was a sound man there with a boom,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22you could have used that furry boom to entice...
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Like, maybe he could have pretended it was a badger.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Also, if you were a lady
0:18:28 > 0:18:31and you saw your handbag moving, you wouldn't immediately think
0:18:31 > 0:18:34squirrel in there, you'd think, "Oh, God, it's gone off again."
0:18:34 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:40 > 0:18:42What about Rob's story?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45There was a lot of detail with Rob's fence-holding story.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I like Rob's. It could very well be true, but...
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I think so. Greg's hands were made for holding on to fences.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55So, you think Rob. Rhod, who do you think?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I think because Lee so rarely sounds plausible,
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I think it'd be nice to give him a little go.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05You think that when Lee went on Pump TV in 1995
0:19:05 > 0:19:09with an average viewing figure of 14...
0:19:09 > 0:19:11he was too nervous to go on his own?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I do, I do.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Yeah, I think Rob, I think Rob.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16You're going to say Rob Delaney.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18That's what we're going for.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23OK, so, Greg, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26My name is Greg and I pretended to be in a double act with Lee.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28APPLAUSE
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Yes, Greg is Lee's pretend partner.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Now, we have a picture of Lee and Greg on TV together.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42There they are.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- NICK:- That's brilliant!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48I can see Greg in the picture.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- LEE:- Who's the really skinny fella?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Who's the 70-year-old man who's dying?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I'll tell you what, David, coming from you, that is rich.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00It is true, I was very thin.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I was 9st there, I was a skinny lad.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Good lord. But we've made great advances in medicine
0:20:06 > 0:20:09and he's here with us today.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Thanks very much, Greg.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12APPLAUSE
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18and we start with...
0:20:20 > 0:20:21It's David.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28The night before the bin men come, I go to bed wearing earmuffs.
0:20:32 > 0:20:37That way I'm spared their irritating early morning clank of trash.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41What day do the bin men come?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Thursday morning.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44CLARE: I think it's instantly believable
0:20:44 > 0:20:47because we know him to be grumpy and, you know,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49intolerant and easily disturbed.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Oh, hang on, can I have a go with the list?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Why earmuffs and not just little in-the-ear thingies, you know?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I don't like things in there.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I don't like to be, you know, penetrated.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07What do your earmuffs look like, David?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09They're grey.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Do they have, like, a nice plastic strap along the top?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14No, they're two single, separate muffs.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Oh, I see, you put them on your ears then put a Hoover on your mouth.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Is that how they work? - Precisely, yes.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Then you have to block all the holes quickly.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27No, no, they have got a linking plasticity.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Are your muffs fluffy?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31They're...yeah, they have a, I would say...
0:21:31 > 0:21:35You know, there's... Yeah, yeah. I mean, yes. Yes, they're fluffy.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37What do you sleep in apart from the earmuffs?
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Nothing at all.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- LEE:- So you're naked?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42No, I...pyjamas.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46So sometimes your relatively new wife wakes up
0:21:46 > 0:21:49on a Thursday morning with your matching pyjamas and earmuffs.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54No, no, the earmuffs don't match the pyjamas.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- I know that, but... - Does she secretly quite like you
0:21:56 > 0:21:59in the earmuffs? I mean, does she say you look very sweet?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02It's not become a problem in our relationship.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- LEE:- I would have ended the sentence as
0:22:04 > 0:22:06"Does she secretly quite like you?"
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Because I get phone calls often from her going,
0:22:11 > 0:22:13"I don't know how this can carry on -
0:22:13 > 0:22:15"the earmuffs, the matching pyjamas..."
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Now, when do the muffs go on?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Because we get into bed at night, don't we,
0:22:19 > 0:22:23but we have several things to accomplish before we go to sleep.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- Yeah.- Be it a quick look at an iPad or tablet,
0:22:26 > 0:22:30be it browsing a book or be it celebrating
0:22:30 > 0:22:33a very special aspect of the marriage.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37That's broadcastable! Would...?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Your proudest boast.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45So, would you wait for the muffs to go on
0:22:45 > 0:22:49until all other business has been attended to?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51All other business has been attended to,
0:22:51 > 0:22:55be it a crossword or something even less broadcastable.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57It has all happened before the muffs go on.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01The only thing I have not done - and I'm very particular about this -
0:23:01 > 0:23:05before I put the earmuffs on, is go to sleep...
0:23:06 > 0:23:10..because I find it very difficult to put them on whilst unconscious.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15But what if you've had a particularly exerting crossword, OK?
0:23:15 > 0:23:18The two of you have been going at this crossword
0:23:18 > 0:23:21for half an hour, 40 minutes, relentlessly.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24You finally finish the crossword,
0:23:24 > 0:23:28let's say 14 down has been particularly tricky,
0:23:28 > 0:23:32and you fall back with, "Oh, my God, that was fantastic.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34"Where are me muffs?"
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Well, I don't know if it's just a thing in our relationship,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42but crosswords don't take us that long.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44LAUGHTER
0:23:45 > 0:23:47APPLAUSE
0:23:51 > 0:23:54What are we thinking, Lee, and Lee's team?
0:23:54 > 0:23:55What do we think?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- I think that it is not true.- OK.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02You know when you have to wake up to pee sometimes?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05That's when I'd throw them on. You know, all night, I don't know.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- I don't always wake up to pee. - I wish I...
0:24:09 > 0:24:10CLARE: Oh, no!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12So, erm...
0:24:12 > 0:24:14LAUGHTER
0:24:16 > 0:24:19So, you're saying it's... What do we think?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Essentially, I think it's a well-told lie.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24You think it's a lie. OK, we'll say it's a lie.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27You're saying lie. OK, David, truth or lie?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29It is a lie.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31APPLAUSE
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Yes, it's a lie -
0:24:34 > 0:24:37David doesn't wear earmuffs the night before the bin men come.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Next.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41It's Lee.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Because I can never remember the phonetic alphabet,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I have invented one of my own
0:24:47 > 0:24:51based on things I can see from my bedroom window.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Now I never forget it.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Now, in case there are people watching perhaps
0:25:00 > 0:25:03who don't know what the phonetic alphabet is...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Can I just say, I'm one of them.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08It's... You know, it's kind of Alpha, Bravo, Charlie...
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- DAVID:- Why is that called the phonetic alphabet?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13There's nothing phonetic about it.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Just do us a favour, lads -
0:25:14 > 0:25:16keep discussing, it gives me more thinking time.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- So, Lee...- Yes. - ..take us through it.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Well, where would you like me to start?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- Z.- A.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25A for apple tree. And to the point where I will do this on the phone
0:25:25 > 0:25:28when they say, "What's your postcode?" I will use these.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- Carry on.- B. This is the one that can get confusing -
0:25:30 > 0:25:33B for bird, because obviously the bird is not always there.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37But you can always hear or sense a bird, so B for bird.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40C for cat. There's always a cat -
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I think I know why there's no birds.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45D, think you know where I'm going with this.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I'm surprised the cat's still there, I really am.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Do you sometimes find there's no C when there's a D?
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Often, I can say D, there'll definitely be no C and B ever.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02We don't need it all. What's H?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04H will be for hospital.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06What's V?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09V is for a word I'm not allowed to say on national television,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11but all I will say is the next-door neighbour,
0:26:11 > 0:26:13she likes to sunbathe naked.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15LAUGHTER
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Unless... This is a weird one, can't do C and V at the same time
0:26:18 > 0:26:21because she's got an allergy to cats.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22- DAVID:- R.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23I know, it's a shame, isn't it?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- R. - Oh, I see.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27LAUGHTER
0:26:31 > 0:26:33What's the name of the hospital?
0:26:33 > 0:26:34- What?- What?!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36H, you said H for hospital.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38All I can see is the A&E sign,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41or as I call it, apple tree and Edna.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Take me to apple tree and Edna!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47So you don't know the name of your nearest hospital?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Not interested. I don't need to know the name of it.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54I'm afraid at that point - and only at that point -
0:26:54 > 0:26:55I ceased to believe you,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57what otherwise seemed like an excellent system.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58I don't know the name of it
0:26:58 > 0:27:01but I can certainly spell hospital for you.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06H for Harry.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09No, for hospital, for hospital! You said it's for hospital.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Oh, yeah.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Oh, yes, that's...
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Even though I say so myself, that was a bad mistake.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:22So, what are your team thinking?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I don't believe it at all. At all.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- What about you, Nick? - I think that he does do this
0:27:28 > 0:27:32and he's made it a nice lovely story to throw us,
0:27:32 > 0:27:33but I think that Lee actually does,
0:27:33 > 0:27:38when he can't think of the real life ones, will say Edna or whatever.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Just to be clear, perhaps the most fascinating moment
0:27:40 > 0:27:43of the whole evening... Nick, you think that's true?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I think it's true!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48OK, it's time to decide.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52- A lie.- Lie, OK, you say it's a lie. Well, here we go.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Lee, is it true or is it a lie?
0:27:55 > 0:27:56You have to actually ask?
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Yes, it's all a lie - Lee hasn't invented his own phonetic alphabet.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07BUZZER
0:28:07 > 0:28:10And that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show
0:28:10 > 0:28:14and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by four points to one.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16APPLAUSE
0:28:17 > 0:28:19But it's not just a team game -
0:28:19 > 0:28:23my individual liar of the week this week is Rob Delaney.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Yes, it's Rob Delaney. All night long, the American has been lying
0:28:30 > 0:28:32through his perfectly-aligned pearly white teeth.
0:28:32 > 0:28:33Good night.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35APPLAUSE