0:00:15 > 0:00:18APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Good evening! Welcome to Would I Lie To You -
0:00:25 > 0:00:28the show with tall tales and tantalising truths.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31On David Mitchell's team tonight, a TV presenter
0:00:31 > 0:00:34whose knowledge of cars is second only to my own.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37My personal favourite is a red one. It's Richard Hammond.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43And a comedian who once did a TV show for Channel 4,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45where he wrestled an alligator.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Who says Sky TV has all the best sports? It's Sean Lock.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54And over on Lee Mack's team tonight, someone who has helped
0:00:54 > 0:00:56transform British tennis
0:00:56 > 0:00:59and helped ruin British dancing. It's Judy Murray.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:04And a South African comedian who recently
0:01:04 > 0:01:06performed on the Royal Variety Show.
0:01:06 > 0:01:0890 minutes of the finest entertainment
0:01:08 > 0:01:12crammed into seven and a half hours. It's Trevor Noah!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14APPLAUSE
0:01:15 > 0:01:19So let's begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists
0:01:19 > 0:01:21read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26they've no idea what they'll be faced with,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Trevor, you're first up tonight.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35I used to call strangers on the telephone
0:01:35 > 0:01:39and convince them that they were talking to Nelson Mandela.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44David's team.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Er, why?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Because everyone loves Nelson Mandela.
0:01:49 > 0:01:55But is it, I mean, how often did Nelson Mandela cold-call people?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Were you selling anything, as Nelson Mandela?
0:01:58 > 0:01:59No, no, no, just...
0:01:59 > 0:02:02He wasn't pretending to be Nelson Mandela during his telesales period.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Oh, right.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08How did you start the conversation? So, if I've answered the phone...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Hello?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- AS NELSON MANDELA:- Hello, Richard.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Whoa, it's Nelson Mandela!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16APPLAUSE
0:02:17 > 0:02:19What would you say next?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22How are you, Richard?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I wanted to thank you
0:02:25 > 0:02:28for fighting against bad things.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32You haven't seen Top Gear, have you?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Who did you target?
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Anybody. I just dialled numbers on the phone.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45What, random...random numbers?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Yeah, like, it was just, you know...
0:02:47 > 0:02:49What was your hit rate on that,
0:02:49 > 0:02:53for people who believed it was Nelson Mandela, and didn't?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- 100%.- Really?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Everyone. How many did you try?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Is it just Richard - now?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03It was, yeah, it was fairly convincing.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Did you ever let the people know at the end?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Did you go, "Ha, it's not Nelson Mandela!"?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10No, no, because that would crush them.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15How would you know when to end the conversation as Nelson Mandela,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18with this unsuspecting - gullible, hopefully - stranger?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Well, they would think I'm Nelson Mandela and then initially
0:03:20 > 0:03:24it's "wow", and then, I guess, the next thing becomes,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26"Why are you calling?" And then afterwards,
0:03:26 > 0:03:30then they start asking questions. "Ah, what are you up to?" And you go, "No."
0:03:30 > 0:03:31What are you wearing?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36You're not wearing that shirt again, are you, Nelson?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- I'm sick of that shirt. - But what if you'd called,
0:03:39 > 0:03:43what if you'd called an apartheid-friendly white Afrikaner?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Feel the tension in the room.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Can I just say, Rob, have you done light entertainment before?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51You're calling me.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- OK.- Yes?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Hello, who am I speaking to?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- IN BAD SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: - You're talking to Tobias Cruelty.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07This is some of my best work.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08We're just glad it's someone else
0:04:08 > 0:04:11other than Ronnie Corbett, for a change.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Who's this that is talking to me?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15This is Nelson Mandela.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18What?! Where are you?
0:04:18 > 0:04:19I'm free.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Are you sure you're not Morgan Freeman?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32That movie hasn't come out yet.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Well, do you know what, I've always been pro-apartheid,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39but this frank exchange of views with you
0:04:39 > 0:04:43has really turned me the other way. I wish you all the very best.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44And to you.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46APPLAUSE
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- So, could this be true? - I think it's true.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- You think it's true?- Yeah.- Do you? - I'm thinking it's true as well, yeah.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- So you're saying true. - We're saying true,
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- we're definitely saying true. - All right. Trevor, truth or lie?
0:05:02 > 0:05:03True.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Yes, it's true. Trevor DID used to call people
0:05:09 > 0:05:12and pretend to be Nelson Mandela. Sean Lock, you're next.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17While travelling around Europe,
0:05:17 > 0:05:22my friend and I came up with a scheme to make money on the beach.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- Lee's team.- What was it?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28It was, it was jewellery. We used to sell jewellery.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30What kind of jewellery was it?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32It was earrings.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34And where did you get the earrings from?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Um...
0:05:38 > 0:05:41To be perfectly honest, we'd make them.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Oh, it's home-made jewellery - here we go.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- And where was the beach? - Where was the beach?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51It's right next to the sea. Thank you.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53It was in Greece.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56What was it about being on that beach, you thought "earrings"?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Um...
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I couldn't make doughnuts.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08And what did you make the earrings out of?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Well, I didn't make them, my friend made them.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12And what did HE make them out of?
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Beads.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Now, this friend, Sean, what was his name?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27- Spud.- Spud?- Spud.- Spud was his name?
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Spud the jeweller.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32My job was to sell them.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Ah, so you're the salesman. So, so give us a bit of patter.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Imagine David is on the beach in his thong, he's relaxing.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Finally he can be himself, OK?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45And you come along and you look at his ears, they're unadorned,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47you think, "There's an opportunity." Off you go.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Well, the first thing, if he's got a thong on, I'll ask him to turn over.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Could you roll on to your back, please?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57And would you like me to rub a bit of cream into that area
0:06:57 > 0:07:00because I don't think that's ever seen the sunshine.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04He wasn't... The target market isn't...
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Well, Richard likes a bit of jewellery round the neck.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08So sell them to Richard.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Are you having a nice time?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Yeah, I'm having a lovely time.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Do you want to buy some earrings?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- Not really, no.- All right, then.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15What's wrong with ME?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- Yeah, all right. - I've turned over and everything.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Then I'd do this.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Spud!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Help!
0:07:24 > 0:07:25What was Spud's real name?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Keith.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Keith. Why did you call him Spud?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33He always had a jacket on? What?
0:07:39 > 0:07:40What are you thinking?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Judy, do we think that's the truth or a lie?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- I think it's a lie. - You don't, you're not...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I can't see him selling beaded earrings on a beach.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Would you buy anything from him?
0:07:49 > 0:07:50No, nothing.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54You know, I'm going to go, I think Judy's right.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- You think it's a lie.- Yeah.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57I'm going to go with the team.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00You're going to say lie. Sean? Truth or lie?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03True.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05APPLAUSE
0:08:05 > 0:08:10Yes, it's true! Sean DID used to sell earrings on the beach.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Our next round is called This Is My...,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15where we bring on a mystery guest
0:08:15 > 0:08:17who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Now, this week each of David's team
0:08:18 > 0:08:20will claim it's them that has the genuine connection
0:08:20 > 0:08:24to the guest. It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27So, please welcome this week's special guest, Ben.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29APPLAUSE
0:08:35 > 0:08:38So, Richard, what is Ben to you?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41This is Ben, and I once convinced him
0:08:41 > 0:08:44that he'd been spooked by a ghost in a country house.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Sean, how do you know Ben?
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Well, this is Ben and I had to talk to him for over an hour,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52to keep him calm when he got trapped in a Portaloo.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55David, what's your relationship with Ben?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58This is Ben, and he very recently took me
0:08:58 > 0:09:00to my first-ever football match.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03LEE LAUGHS And...
0:09:03 > 0:09:08And was disappointed that I nodded off for a bit in the second half.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Lee's team, where do you want to start?
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Well, first of all, Sean, how was he trapped in a Portaloo?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Well, it was the lock wouldn't work, wouldn't open.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Why was there such a tense situation that you had
0:09:19 > 0:09:22to calm him down, why is he panicking?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Because, Ben, as I'm sure you'll notice -
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I mean, you just have to look at him to know,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28he suffers from a lot of anxieties.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34I mean, he looks so comfortable here, doesn't he,
0:09:34 > 0:09:37just so relaxed under these lights.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39He's not, inside he's...
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Where was the Portaloo?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- On a campsite. - Had you met him before?
0:09:44 > 0:09:45I'd seen him on the campsite.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- And you'd nodded. "Hello," all that. - Yeah.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Well, you know what it's like, you're walking across a campsite
0:09:50 > 0:09:53and you've got a toilet roll in your hand...
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Everyone knows, you know, where you're going,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58and they sort of smile at you, the way you,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00something...you've all exposed.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- We've all been there.- We've all been there, and you're walking across
0:10:03 > 0:10:06and you've got a toilet roll and people go, "All right?"
0:10:08 > 0:10:11And then they've got that "What, again?" look, without saying it.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16So did you go to use the Portaloo?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18No. I was going out of the campsite.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20And you heard, what did you hear?
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Well, someone sort of... struggling with the mechanism.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Oh, no shouting at this point?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28If someone... You know, it's a matter of politeness.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33If someone's making sort of struggling noises in a Portaloo,
0:10:33 > 0:10:37you don't think you can do much to help.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I like to think. And even if I could,
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I don't really want to get involved in that problem.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47As I was walking out, I thought -
0:10:47 > 0:10:50it looks like it was wobbling slightly -
0:10:50 > 0:10:53and I went back, I said, "Are you all right?"
0:10:53 > 0:10:55And he went, "No, I'm not!"
0:10:55 > 0:10:58And you talked to him for, you said, an hour?
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Yes, we just...
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Well, I'm curious to know what you filled an hour with.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Well, I just chatted. I said, I was chatting about
0:11:05 > 0:11:07how his camping weekend was going.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Well, not very well.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12So you're in the thing with him
0:11:12 > 0:11:14and eventually, what happened, what was the outcome?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- Yeah, how did he get out? - The guy came - the camp...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- He died in there. - The campsite manager.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21And then when he came out,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- first time you'd seen each other. - Yeah.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25And how was that? Did you fall in love?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30To be honest with you, I think he was a bit disappointed.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32It was like Blind Date.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Now, who else would you like to quiz, Lee?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Richard, could you remind us again, please, of your...
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I once persuaded Ben that he'd been spooked by a ghost
0:11:46 > 0:11:47in a country house.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50And, and what was the story - how did you convince him?
0:11:50 > 0:11:55Well, he was in a separate room and I saw a stool
0:11:55 > 0:11:58and realised, "Hang on, I can hit the rafters,"
0:11:58 > 0:12:01knowing where he was, "that'll sound like footsteps
0:12:01 > 0:12:05coming towards him." So I did, and he believed it was a ghost.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07And what were you doing in this house - is it just
0:12:07 > 0:12:09an empty house where people are...?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- No, we worked together in radio. - Yeah.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15And we were doing a ghost hunt.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Why was Ben in the room by himself?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Because he just wanted to be brave and go off,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23and he'd sat in the scariest, supposedly most-haunted room
0:12:23 > 0:12:25in the house, which happened to be
0:12:25 > 0:12:28directly above where I was in the hall.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30How high were the ceilings in the room that you were in?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Ah, fairly high, not massively high. - How high?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37If you think of me plus a chair - about that high.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39That's a very low ceiling.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Oh, give up! Really?! Cheap shot!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- Listen, I am 6ft, if I got... - All right, all right, we got it.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I'm just saying, I'm 6ft and it's great.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Is it?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57And how did Ben react when you were making these noises -
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- did it spook him?- Well, yeah.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03He ran straight out through the door, which would have meant running through where the ghost was.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- Oh, I see.- So he properly panicked. - Oh, God, absolutely terrified, yeah.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Well, I know that about Ben - he does get very, very spooked.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Anything like that freaks him right out.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Thank goodness he could open the lock on that door, you know?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21When did he find out that it had all been a wheeze?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- I told him about ten years later. - ROB AND LEE: Ten years?!
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- Yeah.- Really?- Yeah.- You've let him live with this trauma for ten years?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31No, look at it this way - and I explained it to him like this
0:13:31 > 0:13:34at the time, cos he was quite cross, cos you would be - and I said,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37"No, listen, you've dined out on that story, I know you have.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40"You'd have told people at dinner parties - 'I was in the most-haunted house.' "
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- Like people saying, "Nelson Mandela once rung me up."- Yeah.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46David, remind us again, please?
0:13:46 > 0:13:51This is Ben. He took me to my first-ever football match and then
0:13:51 > 0:13:55was disappointed when I dozed off for a bit in the second half.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56When was this?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59This was last season.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Oh, he's already got all the words, hasn't he?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05He's been training for this one. Last season?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- Yeah.- What was the match?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09It was, er, association football...
0:14:11 > 0:14:16..and it was between Tottenham Hotspur and Hull.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18And who won?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- Tottenham Hotspur.- How do you know?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I went to it.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26And where was it played - in Tottenham or at Hull?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- In Tottenham.- Do you remember the name of the ground?
0:14:29 > 0:14:33What if I could? Would that make this definitely true?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Um, I'm not willing to say how I feel about that,
0:14:36 > 0:14:37until you've said it.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I'm not willing to say how I feel about anything,
0:14:40 > 0:14:42but that's just cos I'm British.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Ah, yes, it was at White Hart Lane. AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Thank you. Yes, I do have a research team.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Do you remember the colour of the kits?
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Let's say, one team was in white,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04and the other team...
0:15:04 > 0:15:06wasn't.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08APPLAUSE
0:15:09 > 0:15:12What colour was the goalkeeper wearing?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Green, all over,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17with a little tricorn hat.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21As I recall.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- So, how do you know Ben? - He was at school with me.
0:15:25 > 0:15:31OK, and if you don't like football, why would you have gone?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Um, I'm an idiot.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39I like to... No, I was about to say I like to experience new things.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43No, I don't, but occasionally I get bullied
0:15:43 > 0:15:45into experiencing new things under peer pressure.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48He said, "You're always slagging off football -
0:15:48 > 0:15:51"why don't you come along, and the atmosphere will be great,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53"you might quite like it, and then
0:15:53 > 0:15:56"maybe, just maybe, you'll shut up for a bit."
0:15:56 > 0:16:02- Who were you there to support? - Ah, well, vaguely he's a Spurs fan -
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- that's the shortening.- Nice.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08So I was broadly, you know, hoping his team would win.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- Do you remember the score? - I think there was one goal.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13To the Tottenham Hotspurs?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Exactly, and it was on the basis of THAT that the victory
0:16:16 > 0:16:18was declared to be theirs.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Back to you in the studio!
0:16:31 > 0:16:32All right, we need an answer.
0:16:32 > 0:16:37So, Lee's team, is Ben Richard's frightened friend,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Sean's Portaloo pal, or David's match-day mate?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44I don't see Sean chatting to somebody trapped in a Portaloo -
0:16:44 > 0:16:47he doesn't strike me... Without laughing.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50That is a very good point. I've known Sean long enough to know he would be going,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"Oi, come on, everyone, let's push it over!"
0:16:57 > 0:17:02Richard and the roof is where he lost me - just the height.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Yeah, the height, it's too high.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08But also, like, to exert enough force to hear it through the roof...
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Like, you maybe would have barely touched it,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13but then your height, when we look, no. No.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18I think they're saying that in a stately home, ANY person,
0:17:18 > 0:17:22however tall, plus a stool, they're doubting. It's not just you.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- Thank you.- Oh, no, no, no, just him. - It's just him.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29He said that like he was a Spanish ambassador
0:17:29 > 0:17:31and he was worried about being insulted.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33"I think, Ambassador, it's any person -
0:17:33 > 0:17:37"it's nothing to do with your height, sir."
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- So not Richard. - What about David and the football?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Well, it is possible that he would have a friend,
0:17:44 > 0:17:45I suppose.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48So what are you going to say?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- I suppose we're left with David, are we?- Yeah.- OK.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52You think it's David?
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Right, Ben, would you please reveal your true identity.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58My name is Ben...
0:17:58 > 0:18:02and Richard spooked me by pretending to be a ghost in a country house.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Really sorry, mate, really sorry about that!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Thank you very much, Ben.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with...
0:18:16 > 0:18:18It's Lee.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21One Saturday morning I lay on my back in the garden and pretended
0:18:21 > 0:18:26I'd fallen off a ladder so that I could get out of a family trip to IKEA.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34- David's team. - What had you been supposedly doing on the ladder to fall off it?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37So my wife said, "We're going to IKEA," and I knew she'd be upset
0:18:37 > 0:18:39if I said no, so I said, "Yeah, no problems.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41"Can we go in an hour?" She went, "Yeah - why?"
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- I said, "I've got to do something in the garden."- What?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- What were you doing? - Trimming the tree.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48So you said, "OK, we can go to IKEA in an hour,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"I've just got to go and trim the tree."
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I didn't say I was going to trim the tree, obviously.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I said, "I've got something to do in the garden."
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Why is it so urgent that this tree needed to be trimmed?
0:19:00 > 0:19:04You're not following this story, are you? I didn't need to trim the tree.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Yeah, but wouldn't she go, "Well, do it later"?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Because it was a casual conversation. "We're going to IKEA,"
0:19:08 > 0:19:11"Can we go in an hour? Just got to do something in the garden."
0:19:11 > 0:19:14"Yeah, fine." That was it. We don't live in a relationship where I go,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16"Can we go in an hour? I'm doing something in the garden,"
0:19:16 > 0:19:18she doesn't sit me down, put a spotlight on me and go,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"What is this thing in the garden?"
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- OK.- "But you did topiary last week!"
0:19:25 > 0:19:29So she's... You say you've got to do something in the garden,
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- she says, "Fine," so you walk out into the garden.- Yes. Go to the shed.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Explain how you set the scene. - I go to the shed, right?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I'd picked my tool wisely,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42cos I want I want to make sure that when I've fallen with it
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- that it looks dramatic.- Yeah. - You know?- So what did you pick? - Bit of secateurs - nothing -
0:19:46 > 0:19:47those big giant ones, you know?
0:19:47 > 0:19:51They look like old-fashioned bull workers but with a pair of scissors at the end.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- And telescopic handles. - That's the ones.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55I still needed a ladder, you're not going to get me on that.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Do you climb to the top of this ladder?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59I don't need to, do I?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- There's no trimming to be done! - What?
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I mean, are you forgetting...? There is no...
0:20:05 > 0:20:08I'm not Robert De Niro - I'm not method!
0:20:08 > 0:20:10"I must become the tree trimmer."
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Your wife must think you're pretty bad at it
0:20:13 > 0:20:15if you can go out and presumably instantly fall off the ladder.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18I didn't say I fell off instant, I know she's going off
0:20:18 > 0:20:20to do something else. She says, "I'm going to the shops, then."
0:20:20 > 0:20:23So I know she's out, so I position everything.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25So she says in advance of going to this shop,
0:20:25 > 0:20:26she's going to the shops.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28No, it's an expression, "I'm just popping to the shops."
0:20:28 > 0:20:30They don't go, "I'm popping to the individual shop."
0:20:30 > 0:20:33No, it's not an expression - it means going to the shop.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Is it a euphemism in your house
0:20:35 > 0:20:37for, what, having a poo?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I'm popping to the shops.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Is it a euphemism...?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45You won't get me on one letter! All right, I'm popping to the shop!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48But she said she was popping to the SHOP now -
0:20:48 > 0:20:51shop singular - in advance of your trip to the shop.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54She might have said "shop" - it's one letter, give me a break!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57It's series nine! She may have said shop!
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Can I ask a question?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Or shops! I'm just popping out - in fact, she said "out".
0:21:02 > 0:21:03"I'm popping out."
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- She was popping out! - She was popping out.- So...
0:21:08 > 0:21:10OK, so she has left the house.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13She's left the house. She's gone to the sho...p!
0:21:14 > 0:21:18To buy a Curly Wurly or Curly Wurly...s, I'm not sure.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21She's gone out, I know she's going to be gone enough time
0:21:21 > 0:21:23for me to get a ladder, lie it on its side, do the secateurs
0:21:23 > 0:21:26and lie there in a position that I would describe as...injured.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Can I ask a question?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Why didn't you want to go to IKEA?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33LAUGHTER
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I think I'd go to IKEA to get out of trimming a tree.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I didn't need to trim the tree!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43So your wife comes back from the shop
0:21:43 > 0:21:46before going to the shop, for whatever reason.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49We find that, weirdly, different shops sell different things,
0:21:49 > 0:21:51so I have tried. When she goes, "I'm just going to buy
0:21:51 > 0:21:54"some potatoes," I've gone, "Why don't we wait till we're in IKEA?"
0:21:54 > 0:21:55And she said, "No, you can't buy..."
0:21:55 > 0:21:59As it turns out, different shops sell different things.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01So your wife comes back from the potato shop to find...
0:22:01 > 0:22:03No, it's not called the potato shop.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- You've finished trimming the tree and fallen off a ladder.- Yes.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08How much of the tree did you get done?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10LAUGHTER
0:22:10 > 0:22:14APPLAUSE
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Did you claim specific injuries that you'd done,
0:22:16 > 0:22:18when you said, "Oh, I've just generally hurt..." what?
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- What had you done - what did you say you'd hurt? - I went, I went, "Argh! My leg!"
0:22:22 > 0:22:23She went, "What's up with it?"
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I said, "I don't know but I can't go to IKEA."
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I claimed to have injured my coccyx.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32How long had she been gone?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34It was probably four or five days this time.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40I'd say probably about, oh, 15 to 20 minutes.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- Did she still go to IKEA? - Yeah, yes, what DID she do then?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- You're there in agony. - She came to help me.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- She helped you up.- She helped me up, she tried to get me stood up,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- I held the base of my back - is that where the coccyx is?- Yeah.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I held the base of my back, like that,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58and she said, "You better come inside and sit yourself down."
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I said, "But what about the trip to IKEA? I feel I've let you down."
0:23:00 > 0:23:02She said, "No, that was years ago."
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I think the bit where I was pushing it, when I shouted,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09"Love, can you put that ladder away?"
0:23:13 > 0:23:15"I don't want it to go rusty -
0:23:15 > 0:23:18"I might need that in a couple of weeks when we go to Boots."
0:23:19 > 0:23:21What do you think, David - is this true?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23What do you think?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I think it's a lie.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I just think you'd save that for something a bit more...
0:23:28 > 0:23:29You think it's a waste.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Yes, a waste of an opportunity to get out of something.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Like a family Christmas - you could get out of a whole Christmas.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39So what are you going to say?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I think...I think we think it's a lie.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45You're saying it's a lie. Lee, truth or lie?
0:23:45 > 0:23:46It's a lie.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51It's a lie. Lee didn't pretend he'd fallen off a ladder
0:23:51 > 0:23:54to get out of a family trip to IKEA. Next.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57It's Trevor.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02I used to be in a South African boy band
0:24:02 > 0:24:04but we split up after three of us
0:24:04 > 0:24:08were kicked by a horse on a video shoot.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09David's team?
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Why was there a horse in the video?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Cos that's what you do in, like, boy-band videos - you have a horse.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Sing to a horse.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- No, you don't sing TO the horse - the horse is there.- Why a horse?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Because, "Ladies, look at me, I'm on a horse."
0:24:20 > 0:24:22You were ON the horse?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- No, but that's...- You weren't on the horse, you were next to the horse.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27We couldn't all get on the horse cos there's four of us.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Were any of you on the horse?- You had one horse between four of you?
0:24:32 > 0:24:33What was the song?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- What was the song?- Yeah. - I Love You Baby.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37The song was called I Love You Baby?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- Yes.- What are the lyrics
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- of I Love You Baby? - We're not singing to the...
0:24:41 > 0:24:43It's a Xhosa song, Xhosa and Zulu, so it's called
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- I Love You Baby - that's the translation into English.- Right.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Give us a taste of it. How does it go?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- What, the song?- Yes, the song. - You want me to sing it...?
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Yes, I want you to sing it.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Well, I'll sing my part - I can't sing the whole...
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Imagine now, I'm the horse, right?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Here I am. Ready?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- Sing to the horse. - Sing to the horse.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11HE SINGS IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE
0:25:14 > 0:25:15This wasn't a big band, was it?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18This is my part, I'm singing my part.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20HE CONTINUES
0:25:23 > 0:25:26RHYTHMIC CLAPPING
0:25:26 > 0:25:28We all know it.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Get with it, middle-aged man - WE all know it.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34APPLAUSE
0:25:34 > 0:25:36HE WHINNIES
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- I just don't get that. - So that's definitely a song.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Do you know what they call that sort of music?
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Clip-clop.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:49 > 0:25:51What were you called - the boy band?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- What was the boy band called?- Yeah.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54- Yeah.- This is weird cos, like,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56now I have to translate everything into English.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58- That's handy.- Well, it would help.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02No, because it was Spuxboys.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05But in English it means Sparks Boys.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- Sparks Boys?- Sparks Boys.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- Yes.- And no wonder it took so long to translate that.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15And what provoked the horse to actually kick -
0:26:15 > 0:26:17why did that happen?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Well, we don't know. Everyone was standing together
0:26:19 > 0:26:21and then you're singing... Everyone's facing the camera
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- while you're singing.- Yeah.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26And then out of nowhere it's just a kick and then...
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Wow, but it got THREE band members?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31What were the injuries?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Well, the one guy, he got kicked the hardest
0:26:33 > 0:26:36so he was really hurt, so I don't know if he fractured his arm
0:26:36 > 0:26:38or if he broke something.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Or he was going to IKEA.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44"Sorry, love, I've joined a boy band and I got kicked by a horse -
0:26:44 > 0:26:45"can't make it today."
0:26:45 > 0:26:49What I don't understand is why is it the end of the group,
0:26:49 > 0:26:51just one horse accident?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53It's not like there was a stampede
0:26:53 > 0:26:55and you got killed by a load of horses,
0:26:55 > 0:26:58and then it's just, like, Gary Barlow's head
0:26:58 > 0:27:00rolling across a field and you go,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03"I think that's it, that's it.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05"I think there's no more comebacks from this."
0:27:07 > 0:27:08From the horse's point of view,
0:27:08 > 0:27:10the horse was destined for great things -
0:27:10 > 0:27:12he's starting to appear in pop videos.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14It's a disaster any way you look at it.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Well, you say you start getting a reputation for, you know,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19lashing out in a professional context, it can be the end.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26What are you going to say, David?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29It's very convincing - I'd say it's true, I'd go true.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- I'm going to go... Yeah, I'm going to say...- You think true?
0:27:32 > 0:27:35I think it might be true. Let's say true.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37You'll say true. OK, Trevor, truth or lie?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Lie.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45BUZZER
0:27:45 > 0:27:48And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50I can reveal that David's team have won by
0:27:50 > 0:27:52four points to one.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55But, of course, it's not just a team game,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58and my individual liar of the week this week
0:27:58 > 0:27:59is Trevor Noah.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01APPLAUSE
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Yes, it's Trevor Noah,
0:28:02 > 0:28:05he's dished out more whoppers than a teenager in Burger King.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Goodnight.