0:00:19 > 0:00:23APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie to You?
0:00:26 > 0:00:29The show with naked truths and well-dressed lies.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30On David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:30 > 0:00:34a comedian whose performances have put a smile on many people's faces,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37if not his own - it's Jack Dee.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39APPLAUSE
0:00:39 > 0:00:42And a man who's cool,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44he's hip, he's dench, he's amazeballs,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46he's OMG, he's the dog's bizzle, he's YOLO,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49I don't know what any of those words mean,
0:00:49 > 0:00:50it's Tinchy Strider.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:55And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:00:55 > 0:00:59a comedian who describes himself as a chubby sociopath,
0:00:59 > 0:01:02which is strange cos I've never thought of him as a sociopath -
0:01:02 > 0:01:05it's Romesh Ranganathan.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:10And the presenter of the National Lottery
0:01:10 > 0:01:14where every week some lucky person wins millions of pounds,
0:01:14 > 0:01:15loses all their friends,
0:01:15 > 0:01:16breaks up with their spouse,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18falls out with their family
0:01:18 > 0:01:21and ends up living alone in a giant house they paid too much for -
0:01:21 > 0:01:22it's Gaby Roslin.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26APPLAUSE
0:01:26 > 0:01:28And so we begin with Round One,
0:01:28 > 0:01:32it's Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement
0:01:32 > 0:01:33from the card in front of them.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38they have no idea what they'll be faced with
0:01:38 > 0:01:41and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Romesh, you're up first tonight.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47When I was a teacher,
0:01:47 > 0:01:50whilst trying to explain a tricky concept,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I accidentally locked a pupil in a cupboard.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:54 > 0:01:55David's team.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58OK. What was the concept?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Was it the concept of imprisonment or...?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER
0:02:02 > 0:02:05It was a... It was a maths lesson,
0:02:05 > 0:02:10I was teaching the topic of probability and chance.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13"What's the chances of getting locked in the cupboard?"
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Well, that was a... That became an extra learning objective.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18That wasn't the main one,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I was trying to get across the idea of....
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Narnia.
0:02:22 > 0:02:28- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I was trying to get them to understand
0:02:30 > 0:02:32how to explain the concept of probability.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34So, the idea was
0:02:34 > 0:02:38that if you had, like, an alien arrive on Earth
0:02:38 > 0:02:41how would you explain probability?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Which would be the first thing you'd do, wouldn't you?
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Yeah.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- No, actually...- "Put the laser down, let me talk to you about maths."
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Yeah.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Romesh, what age group was this?
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- So, this is year eight. So, 11, 12 years old.- OK, so...
0:02:54 > 0:02:58What happened was, I needed somebody to pretend to be an alien...
0:02:58 > 0:02:59OK.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01..so I selected a child...
0:03:01 > 0:03:04From the class, I didn't just go out and look for one.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:06 > 0:03:07How did you select?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Did you go for the little green one with the pointy ears?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Well, no, actually what it was - I thought I was doing a good thing
0:03:13 > 0:03:15because you know you get some kids that are sort of...
0:03:15 > 0:03:18That have problems making friendships and stuff like that
0:03:18 > 0:03:20and I had a kid like that in the class so I thought
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I'd bring him out of himself.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25You chose the kid that got bullied...
0:03:25 > 0:03:28LAUGHTER ..to be the alien...
0:03:29 > 0:03:33..so that the rest of the class can point at him and go, "Alien."
0:03:33 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I mean, to be fair, I thought we we're just playing a game,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I didn't realise this was an Ofsted inspection.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46LAUGHTER
0:03:46 > 0:03:50So, basically what it was, I was trying to make it realistic.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- OK.- So I said to him,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54"Why don't we pretend this cupboard
0:03:54 > 0:03:57"is like a transformation chamber?"
0:03:57 > 0:04:00"You know, you go in the cupboard,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03"you go in as a boy..."
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Oh, it's just... It's just getting worse, isn't it?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08If one of my kids came home from school
0:04:08 > 0:04:12and described this scene, I'd be down that school like a shot.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15How surprised would you then be
0:04:15 > 0:04:18to see that teacher on the BBC a few years later?
0:04:18 > 0:04:19LAUGHTER
0:04:19 > 0:04:22In the current climate, not surprised at all.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26APPLAUSE
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Basically I said to him, "You're going to go into the cupboard,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"you're going to transform into an alien."
0:04:31 > 0:04:33What was the concept again you was trying to teach the kid?
0:04:33 > 0:04:34- Probability.- Probability?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36We haven't got to that bit yet,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- we're going to find out when he steps out.- Oh, OK.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Oh, we're now trying to find out how to transform to an alien.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Oh, that's what we're looking forward to, him coming out,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45we never get that far, do we? what am I talking about?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48"At the next Ofsted inspection, a small skeleton was discovered."
0:04:48 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER
0:04:50 > 0:04:52And they said, "What are the chances of that?"
0:04:52 > 0:04:55and they said, "Well, interesting you should ask that."
0:04:55 > 0:04:58APPLAUSE
0:04:58 > 0:05:00What were you going to do? That's what I want to know.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02If he hadn't have got locked in, what were you going to do?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05The idea was it that he was going to come out and be the alien
0:05:05 > 0:05:08and then I was going to get different kids to...
0:05:08 > 0:05:09I mean, it...
0:05:09 > 0:05:11"Get different kids to..." Don't lose confidence.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I was going to get different kids to explain to him
0:05:16 > 0:05:17what probability was.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20So, he was going to be, like, the dummy alien and then he'd be like,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- "Be-be-be" and then... - LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- Never to be bullied again. - LAUGHTER
0:05:27 > 0:05:31I can't help feeling that I'm a little bit under attack here.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33It's all right because you may be lying,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35in which case, you're off the hook.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38LAUGHTER
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Why does it help to understand probability
0:05:41 > 0:05:43to get children to explain it to an alien?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46So, basically in, in order to get the idea
0:05:46 > 0:05:49that a kid understands a concept,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51them explaining it and that explanation being clear
0:05:51 > 0:05:53illustrates that they have learnt it completely.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56So, Romesh you've, sort of, left it that he's in the cupboard.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- He got in...- Yeah.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- What happened?- I realised I couldn't open the door...
0:06:02 > 0:06:05..to let him out, so I started looking around
0:06:05 > 0:06:07for other teachers to help me
0:06:07 > 0:06:09and they said, "Actually, the cupboard...
0:06:09 > 0:06:11"it can be opened from the inside."
0:06:11 > 0:06:14The problem came when I said to him,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16"You're going to have to come out of the cupboard,
0:06:16 > 0:06:17"just open it from the inside."
0:06:17 > 0:06:20And he replied, "Ze-be-de-digger-digger-digger."
0:06:20 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- Because he was being an alien. - Right.- Yeah.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29That extended the problem...
0:06:30 > 0:06:33..and he was in there for 20 minutes.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35So, he came out in the end, he eventually opened it,
0:06:35 > 0:06:37he came out and...?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Well, the lesson was ruined.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41LAUGHTER
0:06:41 > 0:06:43What are you thinking, David?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- I do know that Romesh used to be a maths teacher...- Oh, OK.- Right.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50..and education's loss was show business's gain.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:00 > 0:07:03There were so many gaps in the story, I just...
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- Yeah, the story wasn't really adding up right...- Ah, yeah.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- ..for a maths teacher. - I like that. I like that.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- I think we think it's a lie, do we? - I think it might be.- Yeah.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15It's a lie for all of you? OK.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Romesh, truth or lie?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19The story is...true.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22CHEERING
0:07:26 > 0:07:27It's true,
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Romesh did ACCIDENTALLY lock one of his pupils in a cupboard.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34LAUGHTER
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Tinchy, you're next.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Sometimes I pretend to have broken something in my house
0:07:40 > 0:07:44so that when a man comes round to fix it, I can play him at ping pong.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46LAUGHTER
0:07:46 > 0:07:48So, hang on, just to be clear, what you're saying is
0:07:48 > 0:07:52you sometimes pretend that there's something broken in your house,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55to get an handyman round, so you can what?
0:07:55 > 0:07:56So we can play ping pong.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01But why, why do you get a strange man round to play ping pong?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04It's not really a strange man, he's a neighbour
0:08:04 > 0:08:05but he's like a handyman,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08when I want to play ping pong,
0:08:08 > 0:08:09I'll tell him something's broke.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Why can't you just tell him you want to play ping pong?
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- Cos I don't know, I just...- Are you telling me the relationship
0:08:15 > 0:08:17with your neighbour is so bad
0:08:17 > 0:08:20that the only way you can get him to come round to your house
0:08:20 > 0:08:22is by pretending something's broken at your place?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24No, it's not that bad, he likes ping pong.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:32 > 0:08:33What's he called?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- What's he called? - I don't know, I've never met him.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER
0:08:36 > 0:08:39What's he called? Handyman. You could call him Handyman.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41But what's his real name when he's not Handyman.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- What's his real name? Paul. - Paul, the handyman.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Handyman Paul, really. Not Paul, the handyman.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46How long have you known Paul for?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49I've been living there for maybe the past three or four years
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- so, yeah, that long.- How many times has he played ping pong with you?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oh, loads of times, always something wrong in my house.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:08:59So, so you might say... What might be broken, for example?
0:08:59 > 0:09:00For example I might say,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"OK, the light's off in, like, the conservatory,"
0:09:03 > 0:09:04or something and then...
0:09:04 > 0:09:06"Conservatory?" You're very grime, aren't you?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:12So you've put all your hip-hop money into a conservatory and...
0:09:12 > 0:09:14LAUGHTER
0:09:14 > 0:09:18..so how would you go from "The light's broken in the conservatory"
0:09:18 > 0:09:21to "Do you want a game of table tennis?"
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Because when he comes round and then say, for example,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26sometimes it's not broken, I say "Ah, I've fixed it," as he gets there,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28and I'm like, "Are you sure...?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30"Pop in for a quick ping pong game then."
0:09:30 > 0:09:31LAUGHTER
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- David, do you play table tennis? - I do, yeah.- Really?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- Yes, I...- Are you good? - I'm all right.- OK.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Ah, but can you, can you fix a light switch?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Otherwise you've got no chance of playing him.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Absolutely not.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45So, how do you serve, David?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Do you serve like that, like that or...?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50David always gets someone to serve him.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Tinchy, I'd really like to, sort of,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01get an idea of how you move the conversation to ping pong.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03So, let's say you've broken your TV.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04How would it go?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I'll be Paul, the handyman.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- Hello.- Hang on, we haven't opened the door yet.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10LAUGHTER
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"Is it sticking? I can fix that.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"Actually, I can't because we're going to
0:10:15 > 0:10:18"play table tennis again, aren't we? I know how this goes."
0:10:18 > 0:10:21When someone knocks your door like, "Knock, knock," I say, "Who is it?"
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- I don't open and say, "Who is it?" - OK.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Who is it?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27LAUGHTER
0:10:27 > 0:10:30It's Paul, the handyman. You phoned me about three minutes ago
0:10:30 > 0:10:31about your television, who do you think?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35"Oh, hello, Paul." Open the door, you're in. "What's up?"
0:10:35 > 0:10:38"What's up?" You tell me, it's your telly.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- That's, that's, that's what...- Oh, I see. "What is happening, dude?"
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Your relationship with him is very sarcastic.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:49You try being his ping pong mate, you'll start being sarcastic.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51How do you introduce ping pong?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I say "Oh, yeah, do you want a drink?"
0:10:53 > 0:10:55and then he'll be like "I'm all right."
0:10:55 > 0:10:56And I'm like, "Do you want a game?"
0:10:56 > 0:10:58And you give him the special drink
0:10:58 > 0:11:00and he wakes up in the table tennis room.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Answer me this, what is he wearing?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- What's he wearing?- When he wakes up.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07When he wakes up?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Have you dressed him as a professional table tennis player?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- Oh, no he's... - Strapped to a mannequin...
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I'm swinging this!
0:11:17 > 0:11:18So, Lee, is this looking plausible?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- Gaby.- I think it's true because
0:11:21 > 0:11:24he doesn't want to be too upfront with Paul, the handyman,
0:11:24 > 0:11:25so he invites him round to fix.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Sorry, sorry, Handyman Paul.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Sorry, Handyman Paul.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31With Handyman Paul for ping pong.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Ping Pong Paul!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Even that name is better, Ping Pong Paul.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Ping Pong Paul.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- So, what are we thinking? - I think it's a lie.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- So, Romesh says it's a lie.- Yeah. - I think it's true.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- Gaby says it's true.- Difficult decision.- It's got to be a lie.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48It's a lie? OK. Tinchy, truth or lie?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Everything I was saying was all...true.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53CHEERING
0:11:53 > 0:11:54You see.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Good work, well done.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Yes, it's true.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Tinchy does like to play ping pong
0:11:59 > 0:12:03with a man that comes round to fix things in his house.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Our next round is called This Is My,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection
0:12:08 > 0:12:10to one of our panellists.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:12:12 > 0:12:14that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:12:14 > 0:12:17and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21So, please welcome this week's special guest, Georgia.
0:12:21 > 0:12:27APPLAUSE
0:12:27 > 0:12:29So, let's start with Gaby.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31What is Georgia to you?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33This is Georgia,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36and when she fell down a manhole,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I was unable to help her because I couldn't stop laughing.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Right, so, Romesh, how do you know Georgia?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45This is Georgia.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I have an irrational fear of sock puppets
0:12:47 > 0:12:50and, last year, I had to leave a children's party
0:12:50 > 0:12:52when she put one on.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Right, and finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Georgia?
0:12:56 > 0:13:00This is Georgia, after spending a weekend at her hotel
0:13:00 > 0:13:02I drove home only to find her cat
0:13:02 > 0:13:04asleep in the boot of my car.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08So there we have it, Gaby's mate in a manhole,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Romesh's sock scarer or Lee's lost cat lady.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13David's team, where do you want to start?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17So, Gaby, what were the circumstances of Georgia's accident?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19We had been shopping.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- So, you're friends?- Yes.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26LAUGHTER
0:13:26 > 0:13:27How do you know each other?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30She used to be my next door neighbour.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34So, how old were you when the, when this happened, the manhole incident?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36About 13.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38And describe the mishap,
0:13:38 > 0:13:40if you can keep a straight face.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41LAUGHTER
0:13:41 > 0:13:44We'd been shopping and the bus was coming
0:13:44 > 0:13:47and I said, "Run for the bus,"
0:13:47 > 0:13:49and then I heard a scream
0:13:49 > 0:13:54and, suddenly, I realised that she'd fallen down a manhole.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57You see that, to me, that would have really hurt.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59JACK: I think if you're running, you don't fall
0:13:59 > 0:14:01vertically down a small opening...
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Well, she's only little.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06She's still able to run with a big enough stride to
0:14:06 > 0:14:08not fall directly down a manhole.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Well, what if you had like a Tinchy Stryder doing it?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Oh!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15APPLAUSE
0:14:15 > 0:14:19So, she got out and what was the, what was the extent of her injuries?
0:14:19 > 0:14:20How bad is this story?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22"She only started walking six months ago?"
0:14:22 > 0:14:25She had a very, she had a very bad...chin.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- Chin.- Chin?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30She'd broken her fall with her chin?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:35She wasn't even touching the floor,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37just resting on her chin.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39LAUGHTER
0:14:39 > 0:14:43You're going, "What's up? I can't speak cos I'm in a hole!
0:14:43 > 0:14:44"Help!"
0:14:46 > 0:14:49The key question there is what Jack alluded to,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51is that, if you're running along,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- you've got forward momentum...- Yes.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56..and only one foot will be where the manhole is,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- you've got both feet. - That tallies with what she's saying
0:14:59 > 0:15:01cos one foot would go in you go forward and... Chin.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- No, it's not very no they're not very wide, manholes.- No, it was...
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Cos manholes are about, you know they're only, you know,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09to go down it like that, you'd have to be aiming for it, wouldn't you?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12You'd have to be doing run, run, run, jump, legs together.
0:15:12 > 0:15:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Right, Romesh,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21you have a fear of sock puppets.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Yeah. I do, yeah.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27OK, I believe you. LAUGHTER
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Why?
0:15:28 > 0:15:29It's this.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35I find that terr... Like a snake!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37At any point, they can just turn towards you.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Yeah, and it's the unpredictability of it,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41you know like... It's not fun.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43You know, they've got the sock puppet there
0:15:43 > 0:15:46then you're sitting down there going "Oh, ho-ho-ho!"
0:15:46 > 0:15:49That's not funny, that's terrifying. It's horrible.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51And what was the occasion with Georgia?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Well, I don't actually know Georgia that well.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56What happened was it that I was going to a kids' birthday party
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- with my children...- OK.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01..and the problem that we have is that our oldest child
0:16:01 > 0:16:03is very, sort of, chilled out and he just has a nice time.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05The second one is...
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Well, he's not.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10And so, we arrived at the party
0:16:10 > 0:16:12and his behaviour was unacceptable,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15he was shoving kids and it was getting pretty embarrassing
0:16:15 > 0:16:18and we were trying to control it and so, basically,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21she saw that there was an emergency situation,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I, sort of, wandered over
0:16:23 > 0:16:27and she was reaching into her pocket
0:16:27 > 0:16:30to pull out what I thought...
0:16:30 > 0:16:32What I hoped was a gun, but...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:39..but it turned out to be the sock puppet
0:16:39 > 0:16:41and she put the sock puppet on and then,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44"Here he comes again, hello, ho-ho-ho!"
0:16:46 > 0:16:48See he says a lot of, it's unpredictable, it's not...
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Yeah, but you don't know what the...- We know.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52You don't know what the puppeteer might do,
0:16:52 > 0:16:53what they might think is funny.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Well, they're either going to do that or that.- Yeah.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59No, but they can do that - "Attack, attack, attack."
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Yeah, but the sock is not what enables them to do that.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06In many ways, any human might suddenly do that to you.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not...
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- That's the risk we live with whenever we interact.- I'm not...
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- Is that what you're thinking when you're chatting?- Yeah, I...
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I always wondered about that strange look you give me
0:17:15 > 0:17:18when we're having a drink afterwards and you go like that, constant.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20I always think you give it a couple of yards
0:17:20 > 0:17:22so, if you suddenly do that, you can get away.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24So, how did you react, Romesh?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I just, sort of, grabbed my son and I went,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29"I'll get him, I'll sort him out. Don't worry, thank you, ha-ha-ha!"
0:17:29 > 0:17:30and just tried to not look,
0:17:30 > 0:17:34and then I ran out the party into the back garden.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Right. She's not going to come after you with the sock(?)
0:17:36 > 0:17:40No, if she'd have come out to the garden with like this,
0:17:40 > 0:17:41I would have just knocked her out.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43LAUGHTER
0:17:43 > 0:17:47So, Lee, "cat in car post-hotel" I've written down.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- That's her name, yeah.- Yeah.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:52What kind of cat was it, Lee?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Oh, it's a black one.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Oh, yeah.- What kind of hotel?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Red.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59LAUGHTER
0:17:59 > 0:18:00What kind of car?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Blue!
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Were you there for the weekend?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I'd taken my wife away for a weekend in a boutique hotel
0:18:06 > 0:18:08in the New Forest - the old forest wasn't doing it for me.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Right. Had you got home when you discovered the cat?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Yes, I'd got home and I opened up the boot...
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- to let the wife out. No. - LAUGHTER
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I'd opened up the boot to get the...
0:18:22 > 0:18:24To get the luggage out...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26And there was a flattened cat.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28No. What had happened is,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I opened up the boot of the car,
0:18:30 > 0:18:31I'd gone into the hotel
0:18:31 > 0:18:34because I put my bag in but my wife was chatting away to someone,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I was trying to get her away, I said,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38"Come on, we should probably drift off now,"
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- that's when the cat had jumped in. - And you drove back home...
0:18:41 > 0:18:42- Drove back home.- ..no incident,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45no sound of purring or yowling
0:18:45 > 0:18:47that you couldn't attribute to your wife.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Yeah. No, I just...
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- Bit rude, David, And I... - LAUGHTER
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Shame, that, you let yourself down.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Still doing all that old school comedy, I see.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02And yeah, we hadn't heard anything,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05we had the radio playing quite loudly and
0:19:05 > 0:19:07we all know that the sound of Spandau Ballet
0:19:07 > 0:19:09is a lot louder than "meow."
0:19:09 > 0:19:10LAUGHTER
0:19:10 > 0:19:13And you remembered, when you saw the cat in the car,
0:19:13 > 0:19:14"That's the cat from the hotel."
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Well, yeah, I mean the, a jet black cat in a hotel...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18You don't see a lot of cats in hotels anyway, do you?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21No, you don't any more cos you've taken them home in your car clearly.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Did you drive him straight back?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I immediately rang the hotel and said,
0:19:25 > 0:19:29"The bacon was a bit burnt, but whatever.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31"I've got your cat." And she said, "Blooming heck, all right.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34"Next time I won't cook it so much." I went "No, it's not a threat,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36"I'm just letting you know I've got your cat.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38"That was just an aside.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41"I'm not going to start sending you an ear and then a paw
0:19:41 > 0:19:44"I mean, you know, you're getting the cat back...
0:19:44 > 0:19:46"Well, eventually."
0:19:47 > 0:19:49But no, I said "You know, why don't we meet halfway?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52"We'll meet at a service station and I will give you the cat."
0:19:52 > 0:19:55So, David's team, we need an answer.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Is Georgia...
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Gaby's mate in a manhole?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Romesh's sock scarer?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Or Lee's lost cat lady?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Any initial instincts?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06It feels like none of them know Georgia.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09LAUGHTER
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I'm not buying it about the sock puppet,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13although it is definitely possible.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15The problem that we have here
0:20:15 > 0:20:17is that not all of you are telling the truth.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER Yeah.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- LEE:- That is true.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25I think Gaby knows Georgia,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27that's my instinct.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- I think we're going manhole?- Yeah.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- Manhole? Manhole? - Let's call her Gaby.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35- Gaby. Gaby, please. - LAUGHTER
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Farther than I ever intended it to be.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I'm so sorry.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48That was just....
0:20:48 > 0:20:52If I thought that through, I would never have said that.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55So, we're saying that it's Gaby.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- It's Gaby that's telling the truth. - It's the manhole.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Georgia, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:21:01 > 0:21:02My name is Georgia,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I'm a friend of Gaby,
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- and I fell down the manhole. - APPLAUSE
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Yes, Georgia is Gaby's fallen friend.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Thank you very much, Georgia, thank you.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19APPLAUSE
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Which brings us to our final round,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Quick Fire Lies,
0:21:22 > 0:21:24and we start with...
0:21:24 > 0:21:25BUZZER
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- It's Jack.- Hmm.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I had to reprimand my builder
0:21:31 > 0:21:33after I came home early one day
0:21:33 > 0:21:36and caught him eating doughnuts in the bath.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37LAUGHTER
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Lee's team.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41How did you reprimand him?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I said "What do you think you're playing at? What's going on?"
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Were they the ones with jam in the middle or the rings?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49What - the doughnuts or the bath?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51The doughnuts.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Well, they're a popular brand.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54They were Krispy Kreme.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Other brands are available but that's what he was eating.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59What did he say when you said? "What the hell are you playing at?"
0:21:59 > 0:22:01He said, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were coming home."
0:22:01 > 0:22:04LAUGHTER
0:22:04 > 0:22:06In mitigation, the bath wasn't filled with water,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08it actually wasn't even plumbed in yet,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11but he was lying in it
0:22:11 > 0:22:13and just taking a bit of a break having some doughnuts -
0:22:13 > 0:22:14having my doughnuts.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Did you offer him biscuits and doughnuts beforehand?
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Before you left that day?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Certainly not, no.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23No, because I wanted him to plumb the bath in.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Lay on a load of confectionery
0:22:26 > 0:22:28and he's not going to get on with the work,
0:22:28 > 0:22:30but anyway, he helped himself anyway.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33What upset me is he'd gone into the kitchen and helped himself to the...
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- They're yours, he hadn't even brought them in.- No, they were mine.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37How many doughnuts were there?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39We'd bought 36 because we were...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Whoa, whoa. What are you doing with 36 doughnuts?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Well, because we were expecting friends round
0:22:44 > 0:22:45because it's a new house.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48And you are, you're having this house-warming, curiously...
0:22:48 > 0:22:49before the bathroom had been finished.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- GABY:- Yes, I'm concerned about your plumbing.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Yeah, well, you know, the builder had...
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Not the first time a woman said that to Jack.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57The builder had...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00The loo was done - in fact, one of them wasn't done but, yes.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04I'm obsessed with the boldness of taking a whole box to the bathroom,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- more so than getting in the bath. - Yeah.- I don't care where he's sat.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- I agree.- How far would he have...? - You don't care?!
0:23:09 > 0:23:11You don't care if a builder was in your house
0:23:11 > 0:23:12and sat in your empty bath?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Only after it's been plumbed in does that bother me.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Oh, so an empty bath that's not plumbed in,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18you don't mind anybody sitting in your empty bath?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21He can wee in it for all I care, it's empty, it's not plumbed in.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Can I just say, if you're thinking of breaking into my house,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26that was a joke, do not urinate in my bath.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I must say I agree with Lee,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32I think an unplumbed bath is still the builder's province.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- Yeah.- Once it's plumbed in, they've signed off on it, then it's yours,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38it's your place of washing -
0:23:38 > 0:23:39before then, who knows?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42GABY: So, anybody can go and sit in an unplumbed bath?
0:23:42 > 0:23:43No, not anyone, no.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47A qualified builder-slash-doughnut eater.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49LAUGHTER
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I want to know if the party still happened though.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Everyone arrived, didn't they, they didn't know this had happened.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Was this a showbiz event?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- Cos I don't remember getting the invite.- Yeah...
0:23:58 > 0:23:59LAUGHTER
0:23:59 > 0:24:01..are you in showbiz, are you, Lee?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03All right, all right.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Come on, there's no need for that, Jack.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Lee, what are you thinking?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I don't know. Romesh, what do you think?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15I find your idea of serving doughnuts at a party unacceptable.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16That is unacceptable.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18And if I turn up to a party expecting doughnuts
0:24:18 > 0:24:21and they said, "There are no doughnuts," you know what I'd say?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23"Well, at least, can I just have a hot bath?"
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- And you can't even offer that. - LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- I think it's a lie. - Gaby?- Must be lying.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Both say it's a lie, I'll go with my team and say it's a lie.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Oh, you're saying it's a lie. Jack, truth or lie?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35It is...a lie.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38APPLAUSE
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Yes, it's a lie,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Jack didn't catch his builder eating doughnuts in the bath.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Next.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46BUZZER
0:24:46 > 0:24:47It's Gaby.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51If I'm ever worried about something silly,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I write it on a sheet of loo roll,
0:24:54 > 0:24:56eat it and the worry goes away.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58LAUGHTER
0:24:58 > 0:25:00David's team.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Right, but only if you're worried about something silly?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Well, it's those little things, you know those things that just bug you
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- and you can't get out of your mind.- No.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10LAUGHTER
0:25:10 > 0:25:12What sort of silly worry then?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14You know when you wake up at three o'clock in the morning
0:25:14 > 0:25:16and it's those, it's those little things,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19"Did I close the cat flap?" Or,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- "Did I put the rubbish out?" Or... - That's up to the cat.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22"Did I...?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24"Did I turn the lights off?"
0:25:24 > 0:25:26All of those, the little, silly things
0:25:26 > 0:25:28so then I'd go to the bathroom, and I write it down.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31It's not quicker just to check whether you've turned the lights off?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34No because the bathroom's closer than going all the way downstairs.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- Is it an en-suite, Gaby? - Is it an en-suite?- No, it's not.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Tinchy's off again, "Is it en suite? Mine is."
0:25:39 > 0:25:41LAUGHTER
0:25:41 > 0:25:43"I had it put in at the same time as the conservatory."
0:25:43 > 0:25:45"And the ping pong room."
0:25:45 > 0:25:48"There's a lot of money in grime, I'll have you know."
0:25:50 > 0:25:53So, you...? So, it's like a silly domestic...
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Oh, it's just silly things.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57"..have I locked the back door?" that sort of thing.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59When the kids go swimming with school,
0:25:59 > 0:26:03I sometimes worry that their swim kit isn't ready.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04What happens if you wake up in the night
0:26:04 > 0:26:07and worry about all the loo roll you've been eating?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:12So, what do you do when you got bigger worries?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14THEN I don't write it on the loo roll.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- Oh, what do you write it on? What do you eat?- Kitchen roll.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18- No, that...- Kitchen roll.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21APPLAUSE
0:26:21 > 0:26:24So, OK, let's say you're worried about swim...
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- Swim.- "Swim."
0:26:26 > 0:26:28You write swim on a bit of loo roll,
0:26:28 > 0:26:31and is that a whole piece?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Yeah, but, just one section, not the whole roll.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Yes, well it's a lot... It's not a lot of loo roll,
0:26:35 > 0:26:36but it's a lot to eat.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38No, they're only little.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40But they're not food. LAUGHTER
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- But it's paper. - I mean, this is only little
0:26:43 > 0:26:44but I don't fancy my chances
0:26:44 > 0:26:46of getting it down me.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49It's not like a sandwich.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51No, but I don't want a sandwich in the middle of the night.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55But, just as delicious... LAUGHTER
0:26:55 > 0:27:00Just a piece of loo roll with a slight flavour of ink.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03What was the first worry that led you to go round loo roll
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- and eat the loo roll?- Yeah.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Do you know, it was probably when I was young,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I think I was worried about doing my exams and things like that
0:27:10 > 0:27:12so I put the subject that I was worried about
0:27:12 > 0:27:15and I just chewed it up and the worry went away.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Yeah. Did you do well in the exam?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- No.- OK. LAUGHTER
0:27:19 > 0:27:21We know that was the worry
0:27:21 > 0:27:25but what all the rational people here are still wondering is,
0:27:25 > 0:27:26"OK, I'm worried,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29"but why am I writing on toilet paper and then eating it?"
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Because, because I wanted to go and sit in the light
0:27:32 > 0:27:34and the loo, the bathroom light is on...
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- Good, fine, yes. - ..and I needed a wee.- Right.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38But what's the logic?
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Because I thought... People say that if you write things down,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- it takes the worry away. - Yes, not...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- They don't say, "If you write it down and eat it."- Yes.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- Do you think...?- I didn't know what else to do, it does,
0:27:48 > 0:27:50I didn't know how else to get rid of the loo paper.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52But you're on the toilet!
0:27:52 > 0:27:57LAUGHTER
0:27:57 > 0:27:58So, what do you think?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00I'm on the lie side.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02All right, I'm thinking it's a lie.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03I think we think it's a lie.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05OK, conclusively a lie.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Gaby, truth or lie?
0:28:08 > 0:28:09It's actually...
0:28:09 > 0:28:11a lie.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:18- END BUZZER - And that noise signals time is up,
0:28:18 > 0:28:19it's the end of the show and I can reveal
0:28:19 > 0:28:22that David's team have won by three points to two.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25APPLAUSE
0:28:25 > 0:28:27But, it's not just a team game
0:28:27 > 0:28:29and my individual liar of the week,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32this week, is Tinchy Stryder.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35APPLAUSE
0:28:35 > 0:28:38And Tinchy's invited us, now,
0:28:38 > 0:28:40to hang with his crew and get on the decks, so,
0:28:40 > 0:28:42thank you, Tinchy, I love a regatta.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Goodnight.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48LAUGHTER
0:28:48 > 0:28:51APPLAUSE